The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery

THE NARCISSIST´S WHEEL OF MISERY

There can be no disputing that ensnarement with our kind results in misery for our victims. How might one assess that misery in terms of impact? There is both an objective standard and a subjective one.

Let us take two ensnarements :-

The first is the Intimate Partner Primary Source (Wife) of a Middle Lesser Narcissist. The ensnarement has lasted 15 years. He has physically assaulted her more times than can now be remembered, he is known around town for chasing “young skirt”, he occasionally works, leaving her to hold down a job and raise a family. He steals money from her, he is verbally abusive, forceful sexually and his version of being pleasant to her is a break in the abusive behaviour.

The second is the Dirty Little Secret of an Upper Mid Range Narcissist. He is married and has the archetypal desirable family unit, he lives in a pleasant part of town, he has a high-powered profession, is liked by many and supports local charities through fundraising efforts which he comperes. The DLS has been The Other Hidden Woman for 7 years, always hoping he will leave the wife. The DLS has never been called a bad name, she is expected to appear at short notice when the UMR Narcissist compels it and if she fails to do so she receives a triangulated comment with regard to the wife or even other women who may or may not be IPSSs since it is unclear to the DLS. She is often let down by him as he cancels at the last minute but he always lets her know, he never does a ´no show´. She finds herself envious of the apparent delightful lifestyle of the wife and wishes she could be her. She often feels used especially when he insists on the role playing games when they meet at the high-end hotel out of town, but it is just role-playing right?

If you asked me as an impartial observer which of those two ensnarements is worse for the victim, this would be my answer.

The former has the worse situation, but for each of them their situations are equally unpleasant and horrific. Objectively the answer is the first, but subjectively they are equal.

Both individuals are miserable.

They are caught on The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery.

When we put you on this wheel it is difficult, but not impossible to stop it turning.

How does this wheel work. Once you have become ensnared in whatever form it takes with regard to your position in the narcissist´s fuel matrix, you are feeding your inherent addiction to narcissists. This addiction (by the very fact it is an addiction) is hugely powerful and it compels you to engage with the narcissist (and often several narcissists in different guises and you do not realise they are narcissists) often and repeatedly.

This wheel has you sitting down for coffee with the narcissist, pleading with the narcissist to stop hitting you, asking the narcissist why he is not talking to you.

It has you texting the narcissist to ask where he is, or what he wants for dinner, or whether he will come and see you. It has you reading the plethora of apparently contrite text messages that you are being bombarded with after being on the receiving end of a tirade at your 40th birthday party.

It has you exasperated as emails flood you demanding to know when he can see the children. This wheel has you stalking her Twitter and Instagram profiles to find out where she really was last night when she failed to turn up as expected. This wheel has you running around the neighbourhood running errands for the narcissist.

The wheel has you sat sobbing with your mother recounting the latest hateful text exchange. it has you at your friends´houses as you go over again and again his push and pull behaviour as you try to fathom out what on earth is going on. You spin around and around as you sit looking at the pictures of the golden period wondering what went wrong?

It has you lamenting the perfect love which has slipped through your fingers or wondering if the new man will make her happier than you ever could make her feel. This revolving wheel of misery takes hold of you and has you wondering where he has gone to, why he has not answered your text messages, why he made that remark about your cooking, why he never helps you with the household chores, ascertaining if you can make some improvements to solve this riddle, pondering why he never touches you like he used to and whether he is getting “it” elsewhere and who with.

The Wheel of Misery has you turning round and round so you engage with and about the narcissist in a multiplicity of ways and every time it causes you to interact, this is what happens.

You interact.

Your emotional thinking rises.

You do not use logic.

You continue to interact.

Your emotional thinking rises.

You do not use logic.

You continue to interact.

Your emotional thinking rises.

This is The Wheel part. Round and round and round.

Now let us add in the misery.

You interact.

You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist

(Example the narcissist verbally insults you/you feel upset thinking about the once good times with the narcissist)

Your emotional thinking rises.

The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence

(Example you feel anger at how you have been treated.)

You do not use logic.

You continue to interact.

You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist

Your emotional thinking rises.

The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence.

You do not use logic.

You continue to interact.

You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist

Your emotional thinking rises.

The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence.

You do not use logic.

You continue to interact.

You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist

Your emotional thinking rises.

The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence.

You do not use logic.

You continue to interact.

You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist

Your emotional thinking rises.

The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence.

Thus the revolving wheel has now added the misery caused by what we do to you and how you are made to feel as a consequence of what we do and/or your own actions in relation to us.

One things leads to another. The more you interact, the greater the misery, the more your emotional thinking will rise, the greater the misery, logic becomes less used and more obscured and on it goes.

This is why when you are placed on The Wheel of Misery it becomes so hard to stop it.

How do you stop The Wheel of Misery from turning and keeping you on it as you go helplessly and hopeless round and round?

Firstly you have to recognise that you are on The Wheel of Misery.

How is this done? You assess your feelings.

Is this person making you cry, get angry, feel worthless, horrified because they are hurting your children, making you feel lonely by isolating you from friends, making you feel sad by taking you for granted, making you feel tired by failing to support you, alarming you by spitting in your face, annoying you through stealing your money, irritating you by belittling you when at dinner with friends, angering you by never acknowledging your contributions, hurting you by punching you in the face, causing you upset through sleeping with someone else, making you feel anguish commenting about how brilliant your brother is and how rubbish you are, making you sad because they are always forgetting your birthday, causing you to feel anxious by spoiling the wedding anniversary, making you frustrated through never wanting to go on holiday, having you at your wits end because they never help around the house, demanding sexual behaviour which upsets you, unnerving you by pushing you, saddening you through never showing affection, making you feel frightened by shouting at you, causing you to feel frustrated by blowing hot and cold and a thousand other adverse sensations and feelings, then you are on the wheel.

You have to recognise you are on the wheel.

When you do you must realise what this wheel is, that it is self-perpetuating, that it is misery and only misery (despite how that might sometimes be masked) and most of all you must stop it turning.

How do you then stop it turning?

You gather the tools to do so from me. This well then enable you to apply those tools and this will (and it will) lead to The Wheel of Misery stopping that seemingly endless turning.

It is a miserable, empty and hurtful wheel that will always turn.

Unless you stop it.

49 thoughts on “The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery

  1. Joa says:

    I was beaten as a child. As a teenager, I was raped.

    But no one caused me such pain as my narcissist 15 years ago. I was getting up for several years …

    I never cry.

    He’s back now. I’m on this wheel. He deals blow after blow. I hurt him and hug him. I attract and repel. I learned from the master … I am as strong as ever. He wants to trample me down, but cannot. I want it to fall at my feet. I don’t know when I’m gonna say STOP. I don’t know when he’ll say STOP.

    Mesmerizing and energizing.

    Interestingly, he is growing in his life and I am growing in my life. Maybe because I’m so sure that he can’t hurt me any more than he did 15 years ago. I swallow his blows like fruit seeds, and he is amazed.

    I am not afraid of suffering. Life is Beautiful 🙂

  2. Sweetest Perfection says:

    So that you guys know, I am not interacting. But I am dying to. But I’m not. But I’m dying to.

    1. A Victor says:

      “NO SP, don’t do it!” Stay strong, he’s not worth it!! Good job so far!!! 🙂

  3. Sweetest Perfection says:

    You interact.

    Your emotional thinking rises.

    You do not use logic.

    You continue to interact.

    Your emotional thinking rises.

    You do not use logic.

    You continue to interact.

    Your emotional thinking rises.

    If it wasn’t because it is not very ecological and I don’t want my husband to ask wtf is this about, I would print several copies of this and post them on different strategic locations around my house: my office desk; the fridge; my bathroom mirror; maybe MY FOREHEAD. Remember remember remember remember: “you continue to interact your emotional thinking rises you don’t use logic…..”

    1. A Victor says:

      Is there some way to just not get on the wheel? In addition to the reminders, that’s what I would prefer.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        AV, the key is to fight your ET. At least I have this personal experience, now that I know what my ET does. It is extremely hard. Example: this new narc has recently contacted me (hoover after a long time). I thought it was alright just to meet for a coffee and catch up (ET thinking because I used to have a huge crush on him and felt flattered he contacted me again) so I answered his email (interact). We met (interact). He told me he was getting a divorce. I thought ok that’s fine I’m not interested. He asked for my phone number which I didn’t give him but I said I was on messenger. Came back home (ET was already raised). He contacted me through messenger so I answered (interact) so my ET raised. I haven’t interacted again and won’t initiate it. But will I if he does??? Logic says no. ET says absolutely, answer. It’s a fucking trap. At least I can see it objectively and analyze it but it is hard to control. It doesn’t help that the guy is pretty attractive. Physically and above all, intellectually. I can’t go NC but I can ignore or decline the next invitation.

        1. A Victor says:

          SP, thank you for that clear layout and your honesty regarding your own experience with your ET. I have had mine go up, skyrocket up, on a couple of occasions so have been aware that, even with all the learning, I am still susceptible. We can help each other to stay on track but my concern has been in the moment, what will happen when I am faced with something similar. You have done well to share your struggle, I hope you continue to stay away from him. If you need a “NO, don’t do it!” let me know. I will do the same!

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Thank you AV. I think it is helpful to share this here now that I know what I’m going through.

        2. BC30 says:

          I confessed to my BFF earlier this week, that if the UMR reached out, he’d be the only man on the planet with whom I initiated NC that I would consider sleeping with. It’s a dangerous game.

          If he asks you out for coffee, reply to one of my comments with a date and time, and I’ll sit down with a cuppa and think of you at said date and time. 😘😆

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I think the next move will be a drink so get the bottle ready. Nooooooo!! Logic logic logic.

        3. NarcAngel says:

          Sweet P
          Do you see your giving into ET progressively and repeatedly in this situation as addiction? Or something else?

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            NA, smart way to say I’m giving in regardless haha. Why? The disaster mix!: 1) my addiction to that toxic charm 2) being an ACON, the constant need for attention from another narc 3) I’m a dirty empath I’m afraid 4) huge Vanity traits linked to being a love devotee 5) His accent/highly stimulating conversation/eyes/ smile disarm my Logic.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            On the other hand, I haven’t done a ND on him. He has enough red flags to suspect he is a narc, but if he’s not…. Then it’s not an addiction to narcs but an addiction to cheating! I actually prefer the former because it would make him the monster instead of me. I am not gonna cheat. I am resolute about that. I made a mistake once and look where I ended…

          3. Leigh says:

            Sweet P, if I may, I think you might be using your addiction to narcissists as an excuse to interact with him. NA is right. If a drug addict is always exposed to drugs there is a real danger that they will use again.

            I’m a dirty empath too and I know you want to remain faithful. You should ask yourself why you are doing this. This is an action that could ultimately hurt your husband. I know why I wasn’t faithful. My husband is a narcissist and I have very little empathy for him. I don’t believe you’ve ever said that your husband is a narcissist but it does seem that your empathy for him is a little low. Maybe there’s something there that you’re not addressing.

            I apologize if I’ve overstepped.

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Leigh, I’m not using anything as an excuse to interact. I am not interacting anymore. I did the first time for the reasons I explained on another thread when I first got the hoover email from him: I was curious to see what he wanted, I was curious to test if he was a narcissist, and I was also curious to see my response. But more importantly, I wanted to find out whether he had any information from the somatic narc that I cheated with because they are acquainted. I doubt he knows anything after our conversation. After that day, we just exchanged a couple of messages regarding a book he recommended to me (which was excellent btw). I was the one who left the exchange saying I had a lot of work to do for a forthcoming publication and that was it. I will be honest: I have a hundred wonderful excuses to contact him again, funny lines I could use to interact again, even an invitation by him to join an online forum he is directing. I have not acted on any of it and have declined his invitation. I do love my husband and feel empathy for him. When I cheated with the somatic narc, my marriage was not doing that well and the narc and I were good friends, he knew I was vulnerable at that particular moment and took advantage of it. I let myself go unaware of what was really going on. I was stupid and believed it was meant to happen because we were soulmates. It hurts my heart to remember that.

          5. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I must say I am very grateful for finding HG’s work and for this blog. I appreciate that you guys worry about my dangerous situation and care for me or other commenters. I would have gone crazy without HG’s knowledge and without the valuable support in this blog so thank you thank you thank you.

          6. Leigh says:

            Sweet P, I apologize. I was just pulling from my own experiences of why I wasn’t faithful. It wasn’t fair of me to do that. Not everyone’s reasons are the same. I’m glad you’re in a better place now with your husband.

            I’m also sorry I reminded you of what happened with the somatic narc. I know how hard it is to get over them.

          7. Sweetest Perfection says:

            No need to apologize, Leigh. You didn’t remind me of somatic narc, it’ll be three years of NC next week and I never forgot what I did. I don’t miss him or want him back, so don’t worry.

          8. BC30 says:

            You’re not a monster. We all have our reasons, weaknesses.

          9. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Thank you, BC30. I feel like a whore sometimes when I think about it.

          10. NarcAngel says:

            Sweet P
            Your ET is conning you into thinking you can control addiction. Addicts can be resolute that they will not use again but we all know how that turns out. You interacting with him is like repeatedly exposing someone out of rehab to drugs. They may be able to hold out at first, but relapse is almost guaranteed.

        4. Leigh says:

          Sweet P, its a very risky game. They are relentless and they know how to wear us down. They want to get in our head so we are constantly thinking about them.

          MP made a comment that really resonated with me. She said, “Prior to awareness, I started with being offended, but then it created an energy between us where I was so puzzled by him and made me think about him a lot and it ended up being an opening for him to do more behaviors that make me hyper-aware of him and so I developed attraction towards him”

          What MP says is so true. Just be careful.

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            NA, Leigh, I understand and I will not expose myself anymore. He is probably “auditioning” several women to replace his ex’s role. I am aware I gave him fuel, but also very intentionally made it clear that I don’t have a free schedule, that I am extremely busy with research this summer, and that I have a husband and get along with him. Although we all know narcs don’t respect boundaries, I am sure he will find other women that don’t require so much effort so I’m probably on the shelf right now, and there I will stay.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Clarification: by “other women that don’t require so much effort” I didn’t mean to say I’m better than them, I was thinking in terms of narc energy conservation.

          3. Leigh says:

            Sweet P, I know what you mean. If he’s a narc, he will go for the easiest prey. Its very sad. You’re married and that might pose some difficulty but I don’t know if that would completely deter him. I think the better defense is your knowledge of narcissism.

            The shelf isn’t such a bad place. There’s peace and clarity on the shelf.

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I love shelves, and mine have a lot of captivating readings in them to keep me entertained.

          5. BC30 says:

            What do you mean by, “The shelf isn’t such a bad place. There’s peace and clarity on the shelf.”?

          6. Leigh says:

            When I’m on the shelf it means I’m not interacting with the narcissist. If I’m not interacting with the narcissist, I feel at peace and it brings me clarity. I like being on the shelf and I hope I’m kept there forever.

          7. Sweetest Perfection says:

            If you are ensnared, the shelf hurts at first but I was able to discover HG precisely because of that so it was beneficial to me.

          8. BC30 says:

            Ah! Makes sense. I have slightly a different perspective. The Ns think I am on the shelf, but I am not. This includes my colleague narc.

          9. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Well, because it is true, BC30. We are not in any moronic shelf, it’s just their hallucinatory thinking. It’s not quantum physics, the physical state of the empath does not change based on the narc’s gaze! Hahaha. But they believe it does. Like they also believe they own you.

          10. Leigh says:

            Oooh! I like that much better!

    2. SParham says:

      MY FOREHEAD! I might try that for the fun of it. 🤣👍🏼

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Haha!

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          I would write that next to “RedruM.”

          1. SParham says:

            I was listening to an interview with HG by a fellow named Mark. What stood out the most was when HG said that professionals stating that “narcs can be cured” is dangerous. True crime is a testament to danger and RedruM. Instant connections, having many shared interests, love bombing, devaluations, repeat with increased manipulations. “No one saw this coming” is a sad common phrase when victim’ families reflect on their loss. How could they’ve known if they weren’t educated properly? Authors, creators, personality professionals don’t get the narcissist in these situations correct. Hell, most of them are mid range narcissist’ themselves. I’ve connected to one true crime author/creator that is the perfect example of a mid range. In conversations it was “you can come here”, “you could travel with me” and then a ghosting. WTF??? Later, when I asked him to fulfill his Patreon tier deal that he neglected for 3 months, he pretended to forget what his offer was (to interview him for 30 minutes) and that he’d said all that sappy shit before. Then he asked why I felt special asking for his time? Ewww, I was not happy. I may be an empath but if I know facts I’ll respond. This is a prolific author that claims to know narcissism and has psychological understanding. I’ve mentioned HG in a couple of his comment threads that has narcissist in the title. I’m thinking of making a point to name drop HG in all the true crime channels.

            My son is a police officer that deals with too many domestic abuse cases. It’s quite interesting that both men and women get violent and now I understand why. I recently asked him if verbal screaming matches count as they hurt like hell too. Unfortunately, nope, there has to be a mark before it’s considered an abuse case. To think how many violent acts could be prevented if there was more awareness and ability to call out narcissist’ before it gets to a violent end.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Sparham, my comment on RedruM was just a cultural allusion to the scene in The Shining when the writing shows up on the mirror. I thought of that when you joked about writing those words on your forehead based on my previous comment, that’s all. I am engaged in work against gender violence and domestic abuse and in no way I was referring to that. I agree with all that you said about it.

            I am particularly worried about psychological abuse, since it is the one that doesn’t leave any marks and however can end up in deaths as well.

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            PS: The interview with Mark is one of my favorite ones.

          4. Asp Emp says:

            SP, interesting to read your comment, thank you for sharing. I also watched the Mark & HG interview (last year), I found that interesting too.

          5. SParham says:

            I gotcha. It just reminded me of the misunderstandings when it comes to domestic abuse and violence. I’ve lost friends to both murder and suicide. Each time it had a narcissist dealing the shots and emotional blows. It made me desperate to understand why and how to prevent it. If I had billions of dollars I would gladly set up victims of these abuses so they could GOSO. I’m grateful for folks like yourself that see what’s going on and that are trying to help. 💐

          6. Sweetest Perfection says:

            How horrendous, SParham. I’m very sorry.

          7. Asp Emp says:

            SP, one of my favourite films of all time!

          8. Sweetest Perfection says:

            It still scares me after all this time, especially the twin sisters.

          9. Asp Emp says:

            SP, I know exactly what you mean……. the whole film is really good. I don’t get scared but it is more psychological rather than instinct. Jack Nicholson did brilliant in the role. The wife grates me though. It’s only a film.

          10. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Speaking of abuse, Shelley Duval was psychologically tortured by Stanley Kubrick during the filming of the movie. Apparently, Kubrick thought he was still shooting A Clockwork Orange…

          11. Asp Emp says:

            SP, my jaw dropped to the floor….. ok it didn’t but you get the gist! A Clockwork Orange – another brilliant film. Interesting. I don’t know much about Stanley Kubrick, just googled and came across his IQ of 200 and again, my jaw dropped…… bloody hell, I think I may read some more into him. Wow. Goes to show that you can learn hell of a lot, just by being on this blog!!!

          12. SParham says:

            It’s a relief to finally understand what was at play during those times. It’s like a 5000 piece puzzle that suddenly came together in one swoop. I heard “Accepting This Frees You From the Narcissist” and the proverbial light bulb turned on in my mind and heart. Now I don’t pay attention to anyone trying to explain narcissist behaviors. I’ve tried countless times and it just confused me more. I guess I’m a hard learner and it took the right messenger to get through. My kids understand it and tried to tell me but I was too cynical. My son told me once years ago that I was seen as an object, not a sentient being. After Tudor Treatments I apologized to both of them for my ignorance and gladly accept the told you so’s. 🤗

  4. BC30 says:

    Pew pew pew.

    Timely reemergence of this article, HG. Thanks.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome

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