No Contact Mistakes : Item Retention



It is well understood that no contact is the effective approach to tackling our kind. Whether your entanglement with a narcissist was in a romantic context, familial or a friend, the aim is to cut that person out of your life forever so that the cessation of fuel supply forces the narcissist to seek an alternative source and leave you alone. The concept is an easy one ; have nothing to do with us and cut off all means of contact. Execution is somewhat more difficult.

You will have to overcome significant emotional hurdles which cause you to either want to continue some form of contact or leaving a route open for an approach to be made “just in case”. You will have to conquer innate empathic desires for answers, to know the truth of what has happened, to know what the narcissist is now doing, whether he or she is alright. You will have to make changes – whether that is blocking numbers, altering e-mail contacts, staying off social media or more significant ones such as moving jobs and/or home. You will also face a determined opponent who will be reacting badly to the sudden cessation of a source of fuel  and also the inherent criticism that comes with such a bold move on your part.

Dependent on the precise nature of your narcissist, you will be hoovered, often in ingenious and intense manners, you will face appeals to your better nature, your sympathy will be milked, you will be threatened and charmed. Resisting much of this proves difficult and even more so when you are ground down, exhausted and bewildered. Nevertheless, should you grasp fortitude and bolster your resolve to execute no contact, it remains the most effective way of forcing us to seek our fuel elsewhere and in the process provide you with a much needed respite

This road to being left alone is paved with difficulties and often they are of your own making. This may arise from under-estimating who you are dealing with through to the complacency which arises as a consequence of the perception that a period of silence on our part means that it is finally and completely over. There are five common mistakes that are made when people implement no contact and we begin with item retention.

1. Item Retention

People like mementos. Whether it is a reminder of a wonderful holiday in the sun, a trip to a concert or a sporting final, people like to collect something which is a tangible reminder of the experience.  A link is made between that item and the experience and picking up that glass lighthouse with different coloured sands inside of it transports the holder back to the sun-kissed shores of a Greek island and the blissful times that were spent there. It might be that pilfered plastic seat taken from the stadium when the football club moved to pastures new and the zealous fans helped themselves to a memento. It may sit in the garden shed, but every so often it is touched or gazed at as the memories of victory (and defeat) come surging back, triggered by looking at this piece of coloured plastic. The associations are powerful. The emotions that were experienced are imprinted on that person and they are able to summon them or indeed the memories and emotions rise in an involuntary fashion just by their eyes looking on the memento. They are transported back to the concert, the triumph of completing a marathon, the first music exam passed, the memory of a relative who in their dying days would sit with that blanket over their knees. Indeed, the blanket is kept in a box so that every now and then, the holder can hold the blanket to their face and smell their deceased relative still and in so doing intense emotions are evoked through such an act.

This is no different with our kind. I have explained about Ever Presence and our instinctive (and in some cases calculated) laying down of  triggers throughout our entanglement. This Ever Presence is very powerful and allows us to linger in your memory, maintain a grip on your heart and pave the way for a successful hoover in the future.

Some people make the error of retaining those items which were both gifted to you and which we purposefully left behind. They think that whilst no contact has been implemented there is no harm in having those reminders of better times. The first present that was given to you as we seduced you, a jumper of ours which we have left in the wardrobe which still smells of our fragrance or a particularly special gift given to you on our first anniversary of being together. Sometimes the item may prove to be expensive and/or practical to you and you are loathe to remove it for those reasons. More often however it is because you still wish to retain some reminder of what we had together, so that every once in a while you can sit and hold that stuffed toy, or let your fingers trace the ornate frame of a beautiful landscape we gave you and conjure up the memories of when we were together. It may be one item, it may be several.

Do not do it. All items – be they gifts or our possessions which have been left – must be purged.

By allowing yourself to retain this connection you are enabling us to live large in your memory. This means that you are allowing emotion to govern you, rather than the cool, hard logic which is needed to keep no contact effective and in place. By giving emotion the opportunity to surface and interfere in your no contact you are weakening it. You allow yourself to consider matters such as

“We had such a wonderful time when he gave me this, I wonder what he is doing now?”

“I have always loved this item, I could never get rid of it, we had some special times together”

“It is bittersweet holding this now and thinking of her, but I still crave her. It wouldn’t do any harm just to chat would it?”

“I remember this so well, seems like such a long time ago, I can put it behind me now, so it would not hurt if I contacted him.”

As I have repeatedly explained, there is a reason you were ensnared by our kind. You have an innate ability to attract our kind and be susceptible to our overtures and that will never leave you. Yes, you will become adept at recognising our kind and knowing you ought to stay away from us, but many of you will fall for us again if you allow yourself to interact with us. You cannot help it. Some of you have greater resistance and may well be able to interact without plunging back into the quagmire you once struggled in but why would you ever want to risk finding out what the outcome would be? The fact that you were once ensnared means that there always remains a risk of it happening again. You have acquired the knowledge and that knowledge tells you what we look like, what we do and why you must maintain no contact. That knowledge is based on icy logic and that is why it is effective. As soon as you give any emotional thinking the opportunity to govern you, then this icy logic is abandoned. You may even be thinking “i should not do this” but you are unable to fight the emotional thinking which has taken you over and is drawing you back into our grasp. You will always remain vulnerable to us. That is how you have been built, in the same way that I have been built to always need fuel. You are able to protect this vulnerability by staying away from us and evading the new vultures which come sweeping towards you.

By allowing yourself to retain some kind of trinket, trophy or object you are giving the emotional contagion that we placed inside of you the chance to surface. This then wants to govern your thoughts and once it does, it will create a considerable risk that you will make an approach to us and thus break your no contact. Even if you do not place yourself in a sphere of influence in that way, your nostalgic interaction with this item places you at risk that if we execute a hoover against you, you will crumble and respond to it.

If you keep some totem of your supposed love, a memento of those fabricated ecstasies, you are sitting with a time bomb. It will keep reminding you of us and this will hinder your forward advance which is required to enable you to recover. As you know, much of what we do is designed to paralyse you so that you cannot escape us. This paralysis is caused by our varied manipulations. The keeping of a memento is self-inflicted and a potential for us to infect you again.You are keeping the ghost of us with you. Our haunting is allowed to continue and by glancing on this item, holding it, touching it, smelling it or caressing it you are allowing the poison to continue to flow through you and in so doing the experience which may feel reassuring to you amidst all of the pain that you are enduring, only serves to weaken your resolve. The greatest risk is that you are puncturing holes in your logic vessel as you try to cross the emotional sea (see The Post Discard Battle – Part Two ) and in so doing you will fall into that emotional sea once again. Once that happens it becomes far easier for us to ensnare you.

No matter how strong you might feel, no matter how much you feel that a mere object cannot have such an effect, you ought not to take that risk. Whether it is a gift we gave you, something created through the golden period or a trinket of delightful times then it poses a risk. If those items belong to us, you are exposing yourself to a double risk. Viewing those items has the potential to affect you in the way that has been described above. It is also provides us with a ready reason and excuse to make contact with you and to see you for the purposes of collecting those items. By enabling us to appear directly in front of you, from our point of view at worst we will gather fuel from you and at best we will successfully seduce you once again and resume the Formal Relationship. Once you give us a toe hold, we will take it and use it to hoover you and apply our manipulations once again. Combine this determination on our part with your inherent susceptibility to our kind and the fact that you are allowing emotional thinking to surface and override your logical thinking, you are exposing yourself to danger once again.

Do not keep those items. Purge them all. Return our property and expunge everything else. Retention risks infection.

15 thoughts on “No Contact Mistakes : Item Retention

  1. Asp Emp says:

    LOL. This reminded me of a painting that Lesser bought (it was dirt cheap though!!) – at least he bought something I liked. However it ended up being totally and utterly destroyed – there was no sentimental value to it – I felt no guilt, nor remorse. Laughing – at the memory too. Total and utter satisfaction.

  2. Joa says:

    Child. It resembles the most. With a smile, grimace, behavior, voice.

    When I was pregnant, he told me that I would never forget him now … and he disappeared.

    He was right.
    Hoovering after 13 years without contact.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      Joa, that must have been pretty devastating at the time. And HG has an article referring to this very thing – Impregnate – which I assume in some ways seals the narcissist’s ownership of us and our child/ren.

      I’m afraid this article doesn’t cover the retention of children. And I say that with tongue in cheek, but also with an understanding that it could be quite painful for some people to have that daily reminder of their narc which exists in their child. I don’t know if you feel that way, or if you a just being tongue in cheek as well. But, no matter what way we look at it, our children will always provide a link and sometimes that is in looks as well.

      I have three children. The middle one looks the most like me, but none of them look like their father in the sense of reminding me of him. I honestly don’t know how I would handle that, but I’m sure I’d be looking at their own unique characteristics rather than focusing on what could be considered the ‘down side’ related to the narc.

      Did you forget him while he was gone? When you say “he was right’? And the hoovering seems to have come out of the blue, although HG always reminds us we should expect a hoover any time unless we have established a solid no contact regime. My children still interact with their father. I don’t. But I’m still exposed to some of his shenanigans. Luckily, we are also oceans apart, so all in all it’s less impactful.

      I’m not sure how you’re handling the hoovering, but I hope you will let HG assist if you need some extra support. If you are a new arrival to the blog, there is countless material to assist you. And also plenty of listening ears and support if you need to vent.

      1. Joa says:

        It was very painful. Punishments with silence during pregnancy and after childbirth (days and weeks of silence, phone number changes, moving) + lots of malicious hoovering, devaluation and triangulation with more women.

        “Your spell is broken and I am radiating again” – this sentence stuck to me. I used them now against him 🙂

        In fact, our child was my rescue. It brought happiness and allowed me not to go crazy. Establish your femininity and value.

        The point is not if the baby is very similar. The problem is with me. I look for similarities, I want him to be like him … In a way, I admire him, teach him, and despise him at the same time. All these years I felt a strong connection with him and still do. I want to save him and destroy him at the same time.

        I’ve been dealing with it great for a year. Because now I know what I’m dealing with. I have fun like him. I’m using it. I let go and pull. I build its façade firmly and then “involuntarily” destroy it, gently triangulate it. We both hurt each other, but now I hurt more. I am stronger. The boy is very tired, he tries to escape as he used to, but he can’t 🙂

        I am an empath, but for him I have become an empath and a narcissist at the same time. I was waiting for it. I always knew he was coming back.

        Our child is not involved in this process. He has no rights. Everything is done on a psychological level. Only once did I see his fury when he threatened revenge on the physical level + involvement of the authorities. I wasn’t scared, I laughed at him. I ordered to start and I listed what I would do in retaliation. I know a lot about him. He withdrew.

        Being happy is the best revenge.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          I appreciate your response, Joa, and thanks for clarifying around the issue of similarity between father and child. I see you admire his father for certain of his traits, and I’m guessing would similarly admire those things in your child. It’s not about your child’s looks, as you say.

          My children provided a different perspective on life for me, too, and definitely made it worth living. They are the jewels in my crown. But only because they are their own people, not because they are either a reflection of me or their father. Some of their behaviours remind me of their father at times, and button pushing is a thing. No escaping his influence altogether. But those are negative moments all round.

          When you say your child is not involved, as your ex has no rights, I’m not sure how you keep him from being exposed to the game playing between the two of you. And that’s what it sounds like to me. I’m assuming you’re new to the blog, but resting on HGs advice it is always better to get out and stay out. Obviously that’s not always possible where children are concerned and no doubt you appreciate the financial contribution. HG has work specifically tailored to children – “Child Defender”

          I’m just concerned that the happiness you speak of is connected to your revenge.

          And your revenge involves ongoing contact with the narcissist.

          I hope you will read more of HGs work and seek his advice.

          1. Joa says:

            Calmly. I have my life arranged.

            Yes, the child is a separate human being, one of a kind.
            And yet, although he does not know his father, he was not allowed to copy, some of the similarities are undeniable.

            As long as we both draw from this arrangement with the narcissist, it will continue. Until one or the other side gets bored. Contrary to appearances, I owe a lot to my narcissist, for example personal development, independence, faith in my strength, a more sober view of the world, but also many other things. And the biggest “gift” (he says) – a child. I forget the bad ones in the blink of an eye. I focus on what good I can get from this contact.

            Life goes so fast, people come and go. “My” narcissus is now an additional life bonus for me, an interesting intellectual game 🙂

            By the way, I helped him a lot, and he helped me (even though it’s just a side effect of his goals).

    2. A Victor says:

      13 years?! What did that look like, if you don’t mind sharing. I can’t even imagine but I’m at 10 years and I have thought I was safe. With my daughter being in contact with him, I would’ve thought that was a possible trigger but so far nothing, and I haven’t even been worried about it. She would tell him not to if he asked her first.

      1. Joa says:

        13 no contact of any kind – physical, telephone or e-mail.

        No contact with his family and friends – he forbade them.

        He saw the child for the last time when he was one year old. They don’t know each other.

        He never gave any money for a child.

        Now he pays and wants contact – to get to me. I use it.

        When he was gone for good, he said I was a few degrees too high. I didn’t understand it then.

        Now he’s back stronger to crush me. But I have grown even more – thanks to him 🙂

      2. Joa says:

        The trigger is his jealousy, envy, the desire to destroy or take revenge.
        Sometimes loneliness.

        Take care of yourself internally, be happy, laugh a lot, meet people, radiate energy – and it will appear like … a hornet.

        If you don’t want to, be boring.

        “My” narcissist claims that he is a hornet, and women are bees that pull like to honey 🙂

        Since the world of insects is close to him, I called it the buzzing fly. He was furious 🙂
        5 days of silence as a punishment 🙂

        Now it’s enough to whisper “Bzzzzzzz” 🙂

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Joa, 5 days of silence? Is that all?

          1. Joa says:

            His devaluations, triangulations, epithets, spite, scaring, returning to the past, make a small impression on me at the moment. The moment of pain passes quickly, and then I laugh at myself. Now I have a huge distance to myself and to my emotions 🙂

            I focus on my goals and its goals – making this contact so that I gain and he gains, he continues to give it to me.

            If he goes away. It will be sad. But life goes on 🙂

        2. A Victor says:

          Joa, I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to keep your child safe, and yourself as well. Thank you for your reply, my children are all adults now so my ex can’t try in the way that yours is. I wish you the best, this has to be very difficult.

          1. Joa says:

            My child is safe and also almost adult – a teenager.

            That’s why he came back. Boredom, safety and diapers were not for him 🙂

            It is no longer difficult for me. It is very interesting.

            Distance, observation “from the side”. I let go of the reins myself and pull it off. I make sure that he doesn’t suck me in 🙂

          2. A Victor says:

            Glad to hear that!

  3. A Victor says:

    Just get rid of the stuff, it is not worth it.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.