No Contact Mistakes : Thinking We Will Not Hoover You
A second common mistake which occurs when somebody implements no contact is thinking that there will not be a hoover from us. As I have explained, the hoover takes place at various points in the dynamic between narcissist and victim. In this instance, it concerns the post escape or post disengagement hoover.
Where you have escaped us, you will almost always face the Initial Grand Hoover as we unleash a frenzied attempt to bring you back under our control. This will happen where you tip us off and also once we realise you have embarked on your escape without giving us any notice of what you are doing. (You can read more about how we react in such instances in The Effect of No Contact On The Narcissist ) Should you manage to resist the Initial Grand Hoover you are usually granted a period of respite as we seek fuel from our supplementary sources (secondary and tertiary ) and look to find a different primary source.
Where you have been disengaged from of course there is no Initial Grand Hoover. We have a new primary source and we focus on that person, effectively deleting you from our minds. You may try to contact us, to get answers, to win us back, to try and resolve unfinished business and you are rebuffed and receive malign hoovers which cause you to back off.
Accordingly, in the case of escape you have rejected the Initial Grand Hoover and there is silence. Or, you have been disengaged from and your attempts to connect with us have been rejected and there is silence from us. You implement or maintain no contact going forward and the fact that you have heard nothing from us, no messages, no phone calls, nobody calling around to see you, no enquiries from our friends or family causes you to think that you have weathered the storm and that it is all over.
It is not.
I will return to this presently.
The other common mistake that people make with regard to thinking that we will not hoover is making use of the phrase ‘final discard’. I have seen this used many times and I do not know where it has originated from. It appears to be the case that people seem to think that there is some final flourish from us as we tell you that this time it is REALLY over and this time I mean it (although didn’t I say that last time?)
There is no such thing as a final discard. I have written previously that the word discard is not accurate because it really is a dis-engagement. In our minds, our relationship with you lasts until either you die or we die. It is for life because you belong to us. Yes, we will put you from our minds at certain times (when enjoying the golden period with someone else, when we place an IPSS on the shelf) but this does not mean that it is over.
Just because you have weathered the sustained effort of the Initial Grand Hoover to win you back does not mean that we have got the message and we will leave you alone. It is a temporary cessation in the hostilities. Our need for fuel will send us elsewhere as we hunt down a new primary source but we will be back. You have a period of respite by which you can build your no contact and recover but do not be drawn into thinking that this one off blitz of hoovering was the end of it. Similarly, do not think just because we have told you that we wish you would fuck off and die, or disappear off the planet that we will not come back for more. Just because you have tried to speak to us but we have rebuffed you does not mean that that is the end. Not at all.
We are contrarians, hypocrites and engage in contradictory behaviour. This is because of the narcissistic perspective that we adopt. We do what the fuel requires of us. All is as the fuel dictates it to be. If that means in January you are persona non grata, it does not mean that by May we will not declare our love for you once more. What has gone before is the past and we have no sense of shame or reluctance in coming back to you again. It does not matter that we once cast you aside because you failed us. That was then and this is now. Now somebody else has failed us, they have been painted black and this means that you are back in favour. You have recovered and we see you through the lens of being a ‘good’ person once again, someone who is going to give us what we need. It is irrelevant that you let us down previously. What matters is that our perspective causes you to be seen as a good source of fuel and we want it.
It is understandable why you might think we might not hoover, this may be for any of the following reasons:-
- We were so savage in our disengagement of you;
- You exposed us to people when you escaped;
- Significant time has passed;
- You believe there was a ‘final discard’;
- You hear we are with somebody else;
- You are with someone new;
- You sent us packing when we tried the Initial Grand Hoover.
Whilst these may influence the likelihood of a hoover occurring they will not in themselves mean that it will not happen.
Accordingly, just because of the circumstances and the passage of time, you decide you can go back on social media, you can accept friend requests from strangers, you can go to the places you had avoided for some time, you can talk about us freely again with your friends or even our friends and so on. This is dangerous.
I am not suggesting that you must spend the rest of your life always looking over your shoulder. That is unsustainable but you ought not to think that there will never be a hoover because if you do this you will instinctively lower your guard and in so doing you will cause two things
- You are far more likely to activate a Hoover Trigger by entering the spheres of influence; and
- You will lower the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria and thus increase the chances of a hoover happening.
Of course you may well be in a better place and thus far more able to repel the hoover when it happens but there remains a risk, because of your inherent susceptibility to our kind, that as I explained in Part One of this series, you will allow exposure to us cause your emotional thinking to rise and over take your logical thinking which means you are risking being dumped into the emotional sea once again.
If you think a hoover will never happen you will become complacent and you will then start to do the very things which will result in a hoover being MORE likely to happen. Thus, by always reminding yourself that there is a risk (even if it is very small) of a hoover taking place you will continue to maintain a degree of vigilance which ensures this risks stays small and you do not begin to engage in behaviours which encourage us.
I see repeatedly people state that they know their narcissist will not hoover again. They write that it will not happen and they are safe. The only way you are safe from a hoover is if we have died.
I have hoovered somebody after a 12 year hiatus (one of my readers was hoovered after a 26 year gap) I would do it after a longer period of time if there was a Hoover Trigger and the criteria are met. There is fuel available and we will take it and assert our superiority and control over you. Remember, we made an investment in you, all that time ago and we will want to keep drawing on it. The fact you have not heard from us for a long time is because our attention was elsewhere and your no contact is proving effective so even if there is Hoover Trigger, the criteria are not met and therefore no hoover follows.
If you start thinking we will never hoover you, you will become complacent and that is when you run a greater risk of a hoover actually taking place.
One thought on “No Contact Mistakes : Thinking We Will Not Hoover You”
My narc (long-term friend and occasional lover) has written me a letter and sent to my home as I went no contact after a 3 year affair. The affair was mostly online as we live on different continents and well, Covid..
I see him for exactly what he is now – abusive, weak, damaged, pathetic…and dangerous. My feelings for him are dead. I know now he was pretending to care about me all those years. It doesn’t hurt though. I just want nothing to do with him ever again.
My dilemma is that he knows a very big secret that I confided as a friend years ago (before our affair)…one that could destroy someone I love. I’m worried he may report it if he thinks I have abandoned him.
In his letter he said he wanted to be “friends”.
While otherwise I’d stay no contact, I am scared of his revenge. I’m thinking of sending him a brief letter to ask he respect my privacy now as I “work through things”, and give him the impression we can be friends in the future… essentially lie so he thinks I still care about him and he still has a hold on me. I’m fully aware he just wants me back in his life so he can get his revenge…. Unfortunately I see this as my only way to save my family.
I fought him our entire relationship…telling him he treated me rotten, telling him I deserved respect, ignoring him when he went no contact, calling him out constantly on his lies and gaslighting. I dumped him twice. He hoovered me back once then got more abusive. I ended it and went no contact during the discard, but before he ended it. I didn’t know exactly what I was dealing with before. I just though he was clueless and a selfish ahole. But now the narcissism is SO clear.
HG, would my plan possibly work if he thinks I’m still keen? I could give a sh** if he tries to hurt me. He never destroyed me… if anything, he emboldened me and made me stronger in my resolve to move on from his pathetic childish stupidity.