Consequences : 10 Unintended Consequences Of Your Responses To The Narcissist

10-UNINTENDED-CONSEQUENCES-OF-YOUR-RESPONSE-TO-THE-NARCISSIST

 

The law of unintended consequences applies to much in the world and is just as applicable to the world in which you have been inserted by our kind. In terms of unintended consequences arising from an act committed or a step taken, there are three categories. There are the unexpected benefits. For instance, aspirin is used as a painkiller but has also been found to be an excellent anti-coagulant and is used to assist those with heart and circulatory problems. There are the unintended drawbacks. For instance, Prohibition in the United States during the 1920s suppressed the alcohol trade. Its unintended consequence was to drive alcohol provision into the hands of organised crime which resulted in those organisations becoming wealthier and better funded to expand their criminal activities. The final category concerns the perverse result. I have two favourites examples in this regard. The first became known as the Streisand Effect whereby the actress and singer Barbara Streisand took legal action concerning the online publication of a picture of her home. Prior to legal action only six people had downloaded the picture. Following her legal action 420 000 people downloaded it as a consequence of the coverage of the case. There is much to be said to not drawing attention to something by complaining about it in the first place. The second example of a perverse result concerns the then British government’s handling of venomous cobras in Delhi, India. It was decided in order to encourage the local populace to hunt down and reduce the number of cobras that a bounty would be offered for each cobra killed and handed in. Enterprising individuals decided it was easier just to breed the cobras than hunt them down, kill them and hand them in. Once the government realised that this was happening, they withdrew the bounty. The populace then released the now worthless cobras. Thus the number not only was not  reduced but actually increased.

The unexpected drawbacks and perverse results are also applicable to you in terms of your dealing with our kind. Owing to the fact that most people do not know what they are dealing with, how we think, how we regard the world and why we do as we do, these people approach any issue concerning us with what they think are sensible and well thought out intentions. They believe that dealing with us in a certain way will bring about a desired result which will prove beneficial to them. This lack of understanding, incomplete analysis and attempt to control something which they do not actually know how to control, results in unintended consequences of the unpleasant variety. Here are ten examples of that at work.

 

  1. Giving us a dressing down

Intention – to put us in our place so we know you are displeased so we do not repeat the behaviour.

Unintended consequence – you provide us with fuel and we do it all the more as we realise how well (from our perspective) you react

 

  1. Mirroring our behaviour

Intention – it will stop us doing what we are doing

Unintended consequence – we will shift to a different manipulation and apply it with greater vigour against you

 

 

 

 

  1. Telling everybody how awful we behave towards you

Intention – people will believe you, support you and turn against us

Unintended consequence – you are seen as The Crazy One, your position is eroded and ours becomes stronger

 

  1. You try to reason with us

Intention – we understand the error of our ways and will correct them. You feel satisfied

Unintended consequence – you ignite our fury through this criticism of us by suggesting we are wrong in some way and you become frustrated and upset at your failure to make any headway

 

  1. You turn to one of our friends for help

Intention – we may not listen to you, but we will listen to our best friend won’t we? The problem will be resolved

Unintended consequence – you are feeding information to our lieutenant. You are seen as treacherous and this helpful intention will be turned around and used against you.

 

  1. You tell us everything about yourself

Intention – by opening up yourself to us you hope we will do the same and therefore there will be mutual trust and understanding.

Unintended consequence – you are handing us bullets which we will later fire at you based on what you have disclosed to us about your fears, weaknesses and vulnerabilities

  1. You second guess us, anticipate and dedicate yourself to avoiding upsetting us

Intention – we will be pleased, you will not set us off in any way, there will be peace and harmony in the household

Unintended consequence – you may achieve peace and stability but at the cost of your sanity, reason, sleep and nerves and the period of stability never lasts.

 

  1. You play hard to get with us

Intention – by treating us mean we will be keen, yes?

Unintended consequence – you are criticising us. We will lash out at you and go and find someone else to triangulate with you who does what we want.

 

  1. You tell us what we really are

Intention – you gain the upper hand by letting us know that you know, you also hope to cause us to reflect on our behaviour

Unintended consequences – we deny what you are suggesting, we will not accept it and we lash out at you for having criticised us in this way

 

  1. You beg and plead for us to change

Intention – since we apparently love you, this emotive display must surely go noticed and we will respond in a constructive fashion

Unintended consequences – we drink up this delicious fuel and keep pumping it out of you by hurting you further.

 

Is He Alone Now?

Fear and the Empathic Victim

 

 

8 thoughts on “Consequences : 10 Unintended Consequences Of Your Responses To The Narcissist

  1. lisk says:

    I’m reading these 10 with my supervisor, colleagues, and The Organization in mind.

    I can see any of these unintended consequences happening if I make any efforts at improving things by speaking up.

    It’s looking like GOSO is the next and only step, with not a peep to be made in the exit interview about any concerns.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Lisk, it is encouraging to read that you are viewing this article from your work related narcissists. I found HG’s assistance package ‘How To Handle The Narcissist At Work’ very useful. Because within the package, there is guidance on what you can do to help yourself in this situation. It is well worth considering if you do enjoy your work (even need it) – the GOSO would be a last resort? It depends on the structure of the organisation, how many people work there (size of organisation), also whether you know of anyone else who may be in similar situation as you (I am not suggesting you ask around ! That would be the worse thing to do LOL). Then again, if you can easily obtain employment elsewhere (without putting yourself through the ‘crap’ that a narcissist boss / organisation does when employees are – in their perception – “causing a mutiny” 😉 ). It is not easy to find out if an organisation is good to work for, unless it is widely known. Having said that, there are ‘review’ websites online ie (as an example) Glassdoors – Employer Reviews – bearing in mind (giggling here) some of these reviews could be narcissists writing in their perceptions. Anyway, whatever you decide to do – good luck 🙂

      1. lisk says:

        Asp Emp, I purchased that assistance package over a year ago when I was in a different department in the same organization. I did a GOSO from that department—would not have even had the thought to do so had I not known if HGT.

        My question to you is: If someone you knew was trying to GOSO in terms of leaving a human Narc, would you try to advise them at all like you did with me here? Or would you immediately say, “Yes! GOSO! Once you know you go!”

        To me, if someone

  2. MP says:

    Everything is so accurate. Especially number 3. Narcissists cultivate so many people to be their allies while normal people just behave naturally. Every friendship and connections forged by narcissists has an agenda.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    Laughing….. ‘perceptions’….. previously commenting on this article…..

    “Having a narcissist in your life is a merry-go-round, one that doesn’t always go in one direction – certainly if a narcissist is at the controls. They’ll even adjust the controls that allows the carousel to go a lightning speed in the hope you are flung off…… “

    Writing it at the time, it was intentional but through my ‘lens’ pre-learning-about-narcissism……

  4. SParham says:

    Narcissist’ are unmerciful minefields. One fucking word can start a chain of explosions. I wonder why it is that many say that they can’t remember the genesis of a fight but details of the actual fight remain clear in memories? It has to be ET when recalling yet another awful encounter with the narcissist? The best/worst insult I’ve ever heard was “there’s tons of stuff wrong with you but I don’t want to hurt your feelings”. This came from the husband that claims to “ I love you” the next day. There was a huff and pity demand to say love you back. I can’t remember the origin of that whole narcissist encounter. Something stupid most likely.

    Thanks to HG I don’t care if a narcissist respects me now. I had it all wrong by making narcissists giants in my thinking. I’m still a baby in relearning but not caring is a big deal for me.

    1. A Victor says:

      “One fucking (well placed by the narcissist so he can achieve the prime aims and leave us believing it was all our fault) word…” Assholes.

  5. SParham says:

    “the then British government’s handling of venomous cobras in Delhi, India. It was decided in order to encourage the local populace to hunt down and reduce the number of cobras that a bounty would be offered for each cobra killed and handed in. Enterprising individuals decided it was easier just to breed the cobras than hunt them down, kill them and hand them in. Once the government realised that this was happening, they withdrew the bounty. The populace then released the now worthless cobras. Thus the number not only was not reduced but actually increased”. <~~ Did not know this history! WOW!

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Spanked

Next article

Nobody Is Listening