Has the Narcissist Disengaged Or Is It a Silent Treatment
I am often asked how somebody is able to distinguish between being subjected to a silent treatment or whether they have been disengaged from (discarded in old money) ? There are clear similarities between the two and of course, they are both instances which are common in respect of the narcissistic dynamic between our kind and the intimate partner primary source.
Silent treatments come essentially in two forms. There is the Present Silent Treatment (“PST”) and the Absent Silent Treatment (“AST”). The PST manifests as us standing and glaring at you but not saying anything, or walking away from you every time you come near us so we go to a different room or we just sit in a chair and watch television acting as if you are not there, even though we may speak to other people. Whilst the PST is unpleasant to the recipient, it is often used because it is a manifestation of cold fury. The PST is used by all three schools of narcissist, but is heavily used by the Mid-Rangers as part of their passive-aggressive repertoire. The advantage to us of the PST is that we can deploy it with very little effort (thus conserving energy) and also because you are either in the same room as us or nearby we gain significant Proximate Fuel from your upset, anger or irritation. A PST’s duration is less than that of an AST. This is because the fuel drawn from its application is strong and therefore any wounding that has been caused will be addressed sooner. Accordingly, the PST may only last half an hour and at most until the next morning after you have endured a night in bed alone as we slept in the spare room or on the settee.
The short duration of the PST and the very fact that we are in the same room as you or same building means that it is clear that it is a silent treatment and there is no discard. Indeed, the PST will not even be the precursor to discard. The PST has one function and one function alone; to draw fuel from you and it is very effective in that respect.
Turning to the AST. This occurs when we disappear and you do not know where we have gone. We may head to a local bar for the night, book into a hotel, stay at a friend’s, leave town, return to our own property or head to the Intimate Partner Secondary Source that we are cultivating. The key components of an AST are as follows:-
- We are not proximate to you;
- You do not know where we have gone;
- You are desperate to find us (be that because you are worried, upset, concerned or angry); and
- You will try to contact us.
The AST allows us to draw two types of fuel initially. The first is Proximate Fuel. Although we are not next to you, if we receive anxious voicemail messages from you, we read angry text messages demanding to know where the hell we are, mutual friends get in touch explaining how you have contacted them worried sick as to where we are and/or we see you stood on our doorstep banging on our front door as we watch with a grin from behind the curtains, then we draw Proximate Fuel at ‘witnessing’ your emotional reaction.
Secondly, knowing that we have left you in a state of anxiety or annoyance provides us with Thought Fuel. Even if we do not answer the ‘phone, pick up the text messages or voicemails, the fact we see you are calling us will provide us with this Thought Fuel as well. Accordingly, the AST is a low-energy/high potency method of gaining fuel from you.
We revel in knowing you will be pacing up and down concerned as to where we have gone to, you will be ringing around friends and relatives to try to track us down and alternating between anger and upset. We have caused this in you and this makes us feel powerful.
There is a third fuel line to the AST as well. The reason we opt for an AST and not a PST is also because we use the time away from you to either spend time with Non-Intimate Secondary Sources (our friends and family- quite probably smearing you at the same time) and thus we gain fuel from them but more often we use it to cultivate the Intimate Partner Secondary Source that we are considering for promotion to Primary Source.
The attention from this person or these people gives us additional fuel. We are therefore edified by this triple supply of fuel. No wonder the AST is so tempting. We gain fuel and we are also progressing the seduction of the prospective primary source, working on embedding them.
How long might an AST last? It could be an afternoon, it might be a month, it might be three months. However, as the time period lengthens this is when people begin to wonder if this is now a discard. The question arises, when is this behaviour no longer a silent treatment and when does it become a disengagement?
Would it be a discard after one day? One week? One month? Three months? Six months?
The answer is that you may have ASTs which last those periods of time and an absence of just one day may be the start of the disengagement.
If we are drawing fuel from you then it remains a silent treatment. Keep in mind that the potency of the Thought Fuel will only last so long, so we will need some Proximate Fuel which means we need you to keep knocking at our door and ringing our telephone. Of course, since we are not engaging with you, how do you know that we are still drawing fuel from you and it is not in fact a disengagement? You could be calling us and it is actually a discard, so how then could you tell the difference?
As you know, we will often not tell you that the Formal Relationship is over. We just disengage without telling you. If you are trying to get in touch with us and you find that you have been blocked from our mobile number, we have blocked you on social media and none of our friends can shed any light on where we are, then you should realise that this is not a silent treatment but you have been disengaged from.
Since we need fuel during a silent treatment we keep the avenues of communication open but we do not respond. Thus we let you text, ring, drop notes round, send messages through friends and knock at our door. This gives us the fuel. If you have been disengaged from, we have no need for your fuel anymore (indeed you may not actually be providing it – see below) because we are drinking up delicious fresh positive fuel from the new primary source. Accordingly, we do not need to or want to hear from you.
if you turn up at our door, you may be ignored but more likely you will be confronted and be told in no uncertain terms to go away and leave us alone. You will be threatened with the police and restraining orders or our lieutenants will turn up to warn you off. We don’t need your fuel anymore and we do not want you hanging around like a bad smell and posing a risk to our harmonious new relationship with the new primary source.
Accordingly, a chief determinant between a silent treatment and a disengagement is whether you can contact us (albeit not actually get a response) if you can it is silent treatment. If not, it is a disengagement.
There will also be occasions where the absence starts as a silent treatment and then becomes a disengagement. This is where we have doled out a silent treatment to obtain fuel and bed in the person we are seducing and that seduction has been deemed to be successful, hence we install them as primary source, you are disengaged from and the blocking will begin. The silent treatment shifts to become a disengagement through the period of absence.
A further way of determining whether this period of absence is a silent treatment or a disengagement is to consider what has happened in the run up to the period of absence. As I wrote in 5 Reasons We Discard You there are five primary reasons which bring about your discard. If you can ascertain that this has happened (admittedly it is not always obvious) prior to the period of disengagement, you will have a greater idea that you have been disengaged from rather than being subjected to a silent treatment.
Accordingly if you have
- Worked us out and reduced your fuel provision considerably;
- Realised that there is a new primary source;
- Become broken and numb so you are not functioning;
- Caused a major exposure of our behaviour; or
- Intentionally wounded us repeatedly through fuel free criticism
then these are reasons for you to be disengaged from.
For those who wonder why I state disengage rather than discard, well, the reality is that there is no such thing as a discard. It is instead a dis-engagement. If you are the primary source we are no longer interested in you and it is as if you have ceased to exist and we have (at the point of disengagement) no desire to interact with you ever again (of course this attitude changes at a later point when we commence our hoovering of you when we start our devaluation of your replacement). If you are an intimate partner secondary source, you will be placed on the shelf as we focus on the primary source or another intimate partner secondary source who we think will make a better prospect for promotion than you.
We eventually come knocking and therefore this dis-engagement ought to be treated as a long period of silence whereby you can recover and build you defences. Of course, it is more usually the case that you have no idea why we have departed and in your confused and emotional state you do not know the difference between a silent treatment and a discard.
Now you do.
4 thoughts on “Has the Narcissist Disengaged Or Is It a Silent Treatment”
I escaped right before disengagement and for meanness I went out on date and posted our pic. I guess I went a little narcissist myself. Funny thing is he was already with new supply and still lost his mind and cussed me out. I haven’t heard a word in 7 months. Perhaps the humiliation injured him and I’ll remain disengaged. I’m on very strict NC regime. Healing but still have emotional thinking. Thank you HG bc you’ve truly helped me understand what the fuck happened.
I am at a stage of silence leading to rejection. He will probably speak up a few more times – as he did before. I think he’s almost determined to cross me out and disappear like camphor. Thanks to me, he feels very strong again, that’s why he found me. And he got it.
It hurts like bloody hell, takes the mind intrusive but calmly. Nothing happened that I had not foreseen. I used to predict instinctively, more chaotically, now I know a lot more (thank you for this page!).
A moment of sadness and life will move forward soon, I will not let me touch myself 🙂
Unfortunately, he stopped paying for the child or plays the bogeyman (his maxim: “I don’t use, I don’t pay”).
Grrr, I was so happy that we managed to clear this financial “tail” of the past. And again we go back to the starting point … and again all this legal fun all over again … But I was not idle, despite all the ups and downs. I collected a lot of useful information. Pride or overconfidence in my naiveté (yes, he was the only man in my life whom I once trusted blindly) made him not always alert. He likes to brag.
It will be hard to bring out the cannons, but let me cool down a bit … He broke the contract, so I’m not sticking to it anymore. I told him several times that no matter what he did to me, he would no longer be a father (too late for that, he can only meet his daughter like a man with a man), but payments are the BASIS for me.
A few months ago, after an attack of two weeks of fury combined with paranoia or mock paranoia (to scare me), he said that he was patient, able to wait for opportunities, and had his revenge sometime.
“REVENGE. You will see.”
I am also very patient and will enforce. Action-reaction. I can’t attack, but I’ve always been able to defend myself and return blows. I had to learn much earlier than I met him and under much more difficult conditions.
And I’m not afraid of him – fear drives me.
Detriment. Hoovering has given me many beautiful moments. He feigned interest in our child, advised (quite accurately). I always wanted to experience it, it was a wonderful illusion. I will not forget. I even thanked him for it.
We could “let go” in the room … Or maybe not?
Joa, the first thought that comes to mind when I read your comments is “emotional thinking”.
It appears to be turned up to the max at the moment in your circumstances, which is understandable. You’ve been in close proximity to your narcissist, have been fuelling him and he has taken full advantage of the premium fuel on offer.
I can relate to an element of what you say – “hoovering has given me many beautiful moments” … the feigned interest you alway wanted to experience, and the creation of the wonderful illusion. I understand you saying you won’t forget. I could have thanked my narcissist, too. Because he brought me back to the utopia we once used to share. It was a place I loved and cherished. He told me he cherished it, too.
Before he threw me down into the dirt and I face planted nicely.
Wherever you are when you are up there, you won’t stay up there, and all the signs indicate he is planning to abandon you again. It is such a painful period in any narcissistic relaionship. The eating dirt, after being fed grapes, hand held and juicy.
I’m pleased to see you are engaging and benefiting from HGs material. I hope you will continue to do so. I’m sure many of your thoughts and feelings others can relate to as well.
LET, a lovely comment to read 🙂