The Doormat
The doormat. There it lies with a pleasant greeting of “welcome home” emblazoned upon it and all it gets is routinely overlooked and trampled on, but it never flinches, it never backs away from performing its function. Many of our victims find themselves regarded as doormats by our kind. Not only is this evidenced by the way that we regard you but it is also as a consequence of the way that we treat you. It is not those factors alone however that cause me to ascribe the label of Doormat to a particular appliance. Much of it comes from the thinking, attitude and mind set of the relevant victim.
I have mentioned my sister, Rachael previously. Whereas I trod the path that has led me to where I am today, Rachael found herself becoming a doormat. She was routinely trampled on by all the members of our family and I watched and observed as we grew older as to how this manifested. As time progressed and with the increasing awareness that I have obtained, allied with the observations of the good doctors, I identified certain characteristics that she has which I have also seen in those who have been my primary source victims. I have concluded that whilst numerous of these victims have come close to being doormats, only three have actually achieved that status along with my sister.
Now, it is a mistake to think that a doormat would be regarded as weak. Naturally my kind think this but that is part of our mechanism for maintaining our superiority by pouring scorn on your traits and how they lead you to be treated. Those who are doormats exhibit a different kind of strength.
They are weak in that they fail to assert themselves with sufficient emphasis to enable them to escape the worst of out treatment, but they possess a strength by virtue of those characteristics. To be able to have those characteristics and keep them, whilst being abused, ignored, trampled on and taken for granted, is perversely a form of strength and one which we welcome.
We want appliances that will keep functioning, obeying us, pouring out the fuel and complying, without breaking down and malfunctioning the first time matters become rough. Finding a doormat amongst our victims is gratifying because it means that this person will not depart us, they have no desire to do so. It goes further however because they wish to stay not only for our reasons but for their own fulfilment as well. They pour fuel in our direction, remain subservient and compliant. What are the traits that constitute a doormat?
- The individual is sensitive and guilt-ridden.
- This person has learned to survive hostile environments by meeting our need for gratification. This first and foremost applies to the provision of fuel but it also goes further. The doormat will gratify us by allowing us to do what we want, recognises our need and right to do so, allows us to utilise whatever resources we see fit and caters for all of our needs in terms of fuel, trait provision and residual benefits.
- The doormat’s perception of love has become skewed. This person seeks love through the excessive accommodation of another’s needs. This may not just be us when we have attached them as a primary source to us, but in respect of other individuals. Those individuals may not be narcissistic but the doormat still wishes to accommodate the wishes of other people (something which of course irritates us and leads to conflict) because the doormat regards his or her role as one of accommodating everybody because then that means that they will be loved.
- The doormat simply gives too much. They do not take. They give of themselves on every level, from their emotions, their dedication, their time, their energy, their thoughts and their resources. They are impressively resourced in these matters and appear to have almost limitless time, energy etc. although eventually it becomes evident that they have not.
- The doormat does not feel safe unless he or she gives. If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them. Once they begin to feel safe they will continue to give in order to remain in this safe place. This is why the doormat is drawn to our kind because we are takers and do so on a vast scale. We are made for the doormat and even though the doormat may not know what we are, their coupling with us, provides them with an innate sense of safety and security.
- The doormat must meet the emotional needs of the narcissist. We are empty. We are voids and your emotional attention, your fuel, needs to be poured into us. The doormat feels a need to ensure that those excessive emotional needs are met (although fails to realise that this can never be achieved) and therefore remains hooked and beholden to us in as the doormat tries to achieve the impossible. I have watched my sister continue to do this with Matrinarc.
- The doormat suffers low self-esteem but this is boosted by the success of the narcissist. My victims who were doormats found that their self-esteem was increased by my achievements and my accomplishments. I watched my sister gather her self-esteem from being linked to the achievements of MatriNarc, my father and me. This is a curious behaviour and is not unlike our stealing of traits from those around us in order to add them to our construct and in turn make us look better and more attractive. The doormat does not acquire the traits of our success but the fact we are successful and they are linked with us results in their self-esteem being increased.
- The doormat has a high tolerance to emotional abuse. The lashing out through heated fury and cold fury from our kind against the doormat causes the doormat to realise that the emotional need of our kind has increased. This signals to them that they must leap into action. They have a call of duty and rather than find the emotional abuse debilitating (at least at first) they regard it as a useful signal for them to do something in order to cater for it. However, all the doormat is doing is allowing a pressure to build up of this repeated emotional abuse. The doormat can tolerate it for longer than a standard victim but then there comes a point where the threshold is reached, the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure.
- The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or her needs and therefore almost in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.
- The doormat feels undeserving of being loved. They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role. With my sister I saw this with both my father and mother. My father emphasised how it was important to help others and my sister saw that as a clear signal to flagellate herself in catering to the needs of others and especially our kind. My sister also explained to me that in respect of MatriNarc that she never says that she is happy but that my sister knew MatriNarc was happy with her because of how my sister felt, namely devoid of guilt and valued because of her excessive giving. I regarded her thinking as deluded but I did not correct it, because it served my purposes as well.
32 thoughts on “The Doormat”
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The second text that touched me alive. I recognize myself in a large part of him. Yes, I love giving. I give so much more than I take. It makes me happy.
Guilt – yes, it’s related to perfectionism. I feel guilty if I don’t do my best. If I don’t meet my goals for making people happy and pleasing. If I succeed, I feel fulfilled.
I do not agree with the feeling of low self-esteem. Only because I believe in myself and know how much I can do, I can give. Otherwise, I would have folded. I am pleased with the successes of others that they achieve thanks to my help. But I also like my own successes and I’ve learned to take. I take and thank you. And if I want something – I strive for it with my own methods. Making someone want to do something for me and I don’t have to ask (then it is more valuable to me).
This text pissed me off. I feel IRRITATION. Not so much for yourself, but for the fact that you can think of another person in this way.
“My” narcissist likes to compare me. I haven’t been a doormat yet. But if he said or suggested it:
1. I would say, “Am I a doormat? Persian carpet, I think! Which you walk on with your muddy boots. I have a request, take off those damn shoes before entering the palace! ”
We’d have a laugh and talk.
2. But if I wanted to annoy him as well, I would say, “Am I a doormat? Poor comparison, I have much more adequate. I am like a toilet (in my mother tongue, there is a common, derogatory word for a toilet, that’s what I would use). The restroom where you put your smelly shit into. You do shit and you do shit, and I rinse and rinse. And that’s the only reason why your palace still smells good”.
Is it common or possible that this type of empath engages in sexual encounters due to inability to say no? Possibly even become locally famous as “the mattress”? (Hope I don’t offend anyone – that’s not my purpose of the questions – but to add to my understanding).
They may well engage in sexual encounters due to the inability to say no, but that is more likely to be within the context of a relationship rather than repeatedly with lots of different people.
But it could be repeatedly with lots of different people?
It could but that would be very unusual.
Thank you!
Yes, it could be.
Iam a 100 procent doormat and i must confess.
I always was sexuall promiscuous. I was even forced in to prostitution.
I think in my case it’s because of the incest i experienced as a young girl.
It made me a sex martyr, but my situation is unusual.
Auti
Hi Auti,
I imagine that was very difficult to share and they were very traumatic experiences to endure … both the incest and the forced prostitution. You are brave to help add another perspective to the discussion around how abuse can affect an empath and where that might lead. You are unusual in both your cadre and the percentage of the same. I am 10% Martyr, so understand the sacrificing of yourself for others, and can also see how your experiences led you to become what you term a “sex martyr”. In many ways I would say you had no choice, in terms of your circumstances and the nature of your empathy. I think there is a giftedness in all our Cadres, and this one may have helped you survive. Gaining some insight into how that has manifested and what it’s origin is hopefully will help you, or may have already helped you, consider your own needs as well as those of others. And you may have found a different way to lay your life down.
I hope so, and I really appreciate you sharing something so deeply personal in order to help others understand. Please take care of yourself, Auti <3
Auti, thank you for sharing something so personal.
Hello A,
Is that you, Auti Empath?
I hope you are well.
Thank you LET, for your kind words.
You understand where iam coming from.
I had no choice indeed.
Now i know that, because of everything i learned here.
Iam forever thankful for HG his work.
And for the comments of the readers here.
Reading and learning here made me wake up from a nightmare, supposedly.
I did shake the sex martyr thing off off me.
Iam older now, so it is easyer now.
I don’t need to do it anymore. Iam a bit a sexual now because of everything, but for me thats a good thing, for me it is stil hard to say no! And don’t feel guilty about it.
i wil never trust a guy anymore, so my life is peaceful now. As long as i keep my ET down, iam good.
I don’t reconize that promiscuous girl, that i was anymore.
Iam not ashamed, i know it was not my fault. I have peace with my past now. I did what i did to survive.
I was made this way and thats why i shared it, so maybe people understand it, and don’t judge to fast.
Auti
Auti, I was happy to read your reply and hear that you are in a better place now <3
I had cause to read HGs "Sitting Target" again and it explains so much of how we are targeted by people who will take advantage of us due to our vulnerabilities. Being 'damaged' or having "Daddy issues" is one of the relevant 'special traits' for being lined up in their sights. For an empath it is hard to understand the cold and calculating nature of this targeting. For a narcissist, it is their lifeblood. It is wonderful to hear your ET is significantly lowered now, and that is another way to help avoid the narcissist and not be caught up in their manipulations.
HG has also touched on the aspect of incest with regard to the narcissist in his work. It was eye opening for me to see this most distressing experience being written about with the clarity and understanding it was, and also without emotion. That's what made it readable. Otherwise, it is a topic we shy away from and for good reason. Victims of incest, I think, would definitely benefit from HGs work in terms of understanding. Especially in relation to fully understanding the nature of their victimhood.
I was glad to hear your final thoughts, Auti. The need to put ourselves in another's shoes at times becomes all too apparent. And for the most part we are operating from a place of lack of insight. We have never been in that situation, so it's almost impossible to understand. Which is why I appreciate you sharing, and also being able to give such a positive outlook on the heels of such a devastating experience.
You have my admiration for having come through that and survived.
It was not your fault, and never be ashamed <3
If there's one projection the narcissist wants us to carry for them it's that last one.
Hi Auti,
I’m sorry to hear what you have been through. Thank you for sharing such personal and traumatic experiences. I hope your situation is better now. Look after yourself.❤
(If I know someone like you is there anything that I can do for her?)
Hi Jasmin,
Thank you for your kind words.
Iam better now, see my reply to LET.
To answer your question about someone like me.
I don’t know anything about that person and her situation. So it’s hard to say what you can do.
But I can only advice you to advice her to come here, or HG’s YouTube channel.
The books Sex and the Narcissist, Sitting Target and Chained were for me a must read, to begin with.
And the addiction triple package.
It helped me a to get rid of my guilt feelings, and get the right focus.
Auti
Hi Jasmin, i forgot to ask you in my first comment to you.
What kind of help does the person need?
LET,
Thank you again for your kindness.
I agree, at first i did not understand how and why everything had happened to me, so it had to be my fault. I was in denail.
With understanding the Narcisistic perspective and my own traits, special traits, daddy issues etc. indeed, and then how the targetting of the Narcissist works, made it all clear.
Now it is, just the way it is.
The aspect of incest in HG’s work i must have missed. Was that a specific article, book?
I have a question about that.
Which i then want to ask seperately with the relevant article, book.
Thank you for your admiration.
I guess my Martyr strength is the reason for that.
A higher tolerance for abuse, and still having my good characteristics, traits and my positive outlook on life.
❤
Auti
Hi Auti,
This is the article I was referring to:
https://narcsite.com/2021/07/11/the-narcissist-keeps-it-in-the-family-6/
It refers to family members potentially being raised from the position of NISS up to and including IPPS in an abusive situation.
I hope you find it helpful <3
Hello WhoCares!
Yes this is Auti Empath.
Sorry about the changing name.
Iam very well, thank you, and you?
Hi Auti Empath!
“Yes this is Auti Empath.
Sorry about the changing name.”
No need to apologize! Just happy I ‘recognized’ you and that you’re doing good.
I am doing well too, thank-you.
Enjoying the summer here, and thankful that restrictions have lifted enough to do some fun stuff with my son, before school starts again!
LET,
Thank you for the link to the relevant article.
Hi WhoCares.
Thank you, and good to hear you are well too, and you and your son can enjoy the summer with less restrictions.
Jasmin, you made me giggle RE “the mattress”, I have not heard that term used, however, ‘the local bike’ has known to be used (not against me, of course, I am a good girl).
Haha! I might be because I made a direct translation, that’s what we are saying over here! The bike – you ride it! Is it used for both men and women? The mattress – you lay on and it’s used exclusively for women. A promiscuous man are labelled as ‘the goat’.
Ahh, Jasmin, yeah, I reckon you can use it for both men & women, they ‘ride’ each other don’t they? And the bike too (tandems) 😉 I am sure a man can also be a ‘mattress’? The goat, LOL.
I’m laughing so much right know. 😂 You are completely right! I was thinking in terms of -when you ride the bike you sit on it!
Jasmin, lateral thinking, being lateral, ‘sliding down the bannister’, whatever rocks, whatever works, it amounts to the same thing 😉
Agreed!
The bike is for women only. Well that’s my understanding. Any negative connotation is always for women.
I remember when Rebecca Loos was all over the press. She was the bad one, even though I believe she was single. I mean I don’t particularly like her, but Beckham was never seen in a negative light. That is of course if anything did actually happen between them, either way, she was still slated.
The only male who is seen in a negative light for some reason is Wayne Rooney – in the UK at least.
Beckham was slated for fucking up on the football pitch rather than fucking a pig wanker.
Footballers and their grass mattresses, eh, HG?
Hahaha that made me laugh HG. And yes very true re the football!
I do feel sorry for her, she was completely used by the media when put on that farm.
This conversation is hilarious!