The Narcissist and the IPPS : The Four Classes
I have written before about how there are four cadres of narcissist – the Victim, the Somatic, The Cerebral and the Elite. I have also references on many occasions the three different schools – the Lesser, the Mid-Range and the Greater. Knowing what cadre and school your narcissist belongs to is extremely helpful in enabling you to understand why he or she behaves in the manner that they do and also to enable you to know what you need to do and what you should expect.
It is also worth your while knowing that there are also four classes which are applicable to the interaction between us and our primary sources. There are, effectively, four overarching methodologies which our kind applies to our primary source of fuel. The people who are our primary sources are almost always intimate partners and we operate in a certain way with regard we treat those people. I am not referring to the narcissistic cycle of seduction, devaluation, discard and hoover but instead the interaction over time between us and our primary sources.
Identifying the type you are engaged with or have been engaged with will provide you with insight into his or her behaviour and allow you to understand what you can expect by way of further interaction.
The first is the Nomad. This narcissist will form a relationship and conduct the narcissistic cycle and then as part of that cycle, identify a new appliance. Once with the new appliance, there may be the occasional hoover of the old appliance and there will be intermittent seduction of passing interests whilst with the new appliance and then another new appliance is sought out. The Nomad will triangulate the new appliance that he has and that triangulation will be with both the old appliance and other appliances, but he will only “skirmish” with those old and other appliances whilst with the new. He uses the old appliances and the other appliances naturally for fuel, he uses them to triangulate with the current, new appliance but he will not return to the old appliance to form an ongoing relationship. He may spend a few days with that person, a night together, maybe even a holiday but he will not want to commence the more formal relationship with the old appliance. He will always consider a return, after all hoover fuel is excellent fuel and he will take it but he has no desire, nor the energy, to instigate a long golden period through this hoover. He will connect, charm for a night, a few days perhaps a week or two and then he will return to the current appliance. He may come back to the old appliance much later down the line, when there is a different new appliance, but the pattern will remain the same. There will be no relationship in the formal sense with that old appliance. That has happened once and will not again, but the opportunity for a brief burst of fuel will not be relinquished. As for the other appliances, he will utilise them in the same way. He will spend a night with them, perhaps a few days but there will be no relationship at all. Unlike the old appliance, where there once was a relationship, the other appliances are just passing fancies, to distract him from the current, new appliance and to use for the purposes of triangulation.
Once he tires of the new appliance, he finds someone different and does not return to the old and the other appliances but seeks fresh territory. He will seek out a completely new appliance. He will triangulate this new and different appliance with the recently discarded one, he may even do so with the one before that, the older appliance but he will not form relationships again with the old or older appliances. He is always moving, seeking out new victims, occasionally hoovering old ones, but not to the extent of resurrecting an ongoing relationship with them.
The second is the Ping Pong Player. This type of narcissist will secure his new appliance and he will triangulate her with the old appliance. He will then hoover the old appliance and return to her as part of an ongoing relationship. He will triangulate her with the recently replaced appliance who was the new appliance. He will then vacillate back and forth between these two appliances, leaving one for the other, a lengthy and ongoing tug-of-love as the narcissist bounces back and forth like a ping pong ball between the two same people. There may be interaction with other appliances on an intimate level but they will be one night stands and brief liaisons. He is only interested in the long-term in moving between two particular appliances. He has his two primary sources who he goes back and forth between for as long as he can. Should one eventually decide against continuing with this arrangement then this narcissist will organise a replacement and draw them into this ping pong set-up. The newly escaped former appliance will be hoovered initially in order to maintain the ping pong set-up, but if this fails then a new person will be drawn into the arrangement. There may be intermittent hoovers of the escaped appliance but she will no longer form part of the ping-pong arrangement as the narcissist now has two primary sources to shuttle back and forth between
The third is the Anchor. This primary source is long-suffering. The narcissist will have a long-standing intimate partner, usually a spouse and there will be children involved. The narcissist will seek out fresh appliances and conduct affairs, possibly leaving the long-standing appliance and striking out anew with the replacement. After a period of time, the narcissist will return to the long-standing appliance, often citing missing the children, or doing it for the children, or they realised just how much their spouse truly loves them and they love her. The recently acquired appliance will be cast aside for some time. The narcissist may hoover that discarded appliance at a future point but only for the purpose of one-night stands and infrequent liaisons. He has no interest in resurrecting the relationship again. Instead, he will then seek out a new appliance and leave the long-standing one again as he pursues the dream of potent fuel forever with the newly acquired individual. Once again the affair will end and the narcissist will push her to one side and return to the long-suffering appliance. Time and time again he will leave her, having affairs and leaving home, before returning at a future point. It is often an individual who is regarded as the Anchor, the one who remains in situ and never changes, who is co-dependent to a considerable degree and is unable to want anyone other than the narcissist no matter how many times he has left and come back and no matter how many affairs that he has had.
The final category is the hybrid. This narcissist may operate the Anchor scenario before over time changing to the Nomad and then perhaps back to the Anchor or the Ping Pong arrangement. He will morph and shift between these different approaches, often as a consequence of the disruption to the primary source of fuel, whereby for instance the long-suffering Anchor finally moves on or is helped away from the narcissist, or perhaps both primary sources in the Ping Pong arrangement reject the narcissist and he is forced to adopt a Nomadic approach.
There are numerous reasons why these arrangements are adopted, dependent on the type of victim, the type of narcissist and other factors which I shall elaborate on in a separate article. No doubt you can recognise which methodology was applicable to your entanglement.
36 thoughts on “The Narcissist and the IPPS : The Four Classes”
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Patri Narc is an Anchor. He and mom have been together for more than 50 years. His explanation is this: “Oh honey, you know, I got so much used to your mom.”
Translation: “Your mom is a great source of fuel and there was no disengagement trigger. Seeking a new source of fuel would cost me too much energy. I see no reason to disengage.” 😉
Leela, oh dear I feel so sorry for your mom I really do. I would have been in the same boat if I never left. Since I left I have been replaced. I am not shocked I am relieved. Good luck
Dearest Empath007,
https://mariehoulden.com/2019/understanding-sensitive-souls-and-fear-success/
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hi Bubbles,
My son told me a few days ago that he read that all people tend toward self-sabotage, I think empaths do it on steroids sometimes. Interesting article, thank you for linking it.
Dearest A Victor,
Thank you AV
I feel it’s extremely relevant for empaths …. I know I have self sabotaged. Take my weight for example, being a magnet, I attract those around me, I thought if I gained a bit, they’d leave me alone. Emotional on/off eating then ensued.
In the end it made no difference.
When I was dating, I was either too full on or not enough.
I took criticism to heart, then if I pretended I didn’t care, I was heartless
Wanted desperately to be with someone, but then needed my space and time alone
Always struggling for that middle ground.
I glad you found it interesting AV and hope it resonates with others
I luv your reference to “empaths do it on steroids” ….sooooooo true !!! 😂
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles, you are welcome! And, I agree, that middle ground is difficult! I feel like we can have our own black and white, not like the narcissists, not at other people, but me for myself sometimes anyway. I procrastinate work stuff sometimes, not without approval from my boss, never that, but things I could do that would make my life easier later that I just put off. Then life is not easier later! Haha! And I know when I’m doing it! Humans are funny I guess! Thanks again Bubbles!
AV
Maybe I shouldn’t say it, but I recently felt a sense of OVERWHELMING pity for Malcolm’s IPPS. I was thinking about a time during a silent treatment. I was desperate. I was in a constant state of anxiety and worry. Each time he returned, I believed the lies because I could not admit the truth to myself. That’s the cold, hard truth.
Awful to be stuck with him and the legal marriage and the mortgage and the children and the pet hamster and the many years together despite all the abuse and affairs.
Then I wonder if she is reading this. Maybe she is on the blog. Maybe she finds us someday. I hope so.
Hmmm…. I suppose mine may be a Nomad – his dating style is definitely not the “typical” narc style. He is very much unique in this regard. As I’ve mentioned numerous times – he has not had an IPPS in approx 10 years (this is a fact, not an assumption, as we have worked together for 8 years).
I know I overlapped with a few other girls (one fact, others who I assumed based on instinct) and was triangulated with the one discarded right before me. But truthfully – I think he would have preferred I hadn’t known about her. He is generally very concerned with hiding appliances from one another – he has no interest in us finding out about one another. The only reason I did was because this appliance worked closely with me everyday and SHE had told me about their “relationship” – which he also hid from our co workers.
3 years since our split … and he has still not chosen a “public” appliance, my guess is he’s still operating with 2 -3 women/men at a time. Which would best fit in the Nomad category – he also has not made much attempt to hoover me over the years (other then the odd indirect hoover). So as long as appliances are out of sight out of mind he likely won’t attempt to re-build the relationship.
Still though… 3 years… crazy how he can keep it hidden for that long !
Hi Empath007, my ex has had differences with regard to this also. He lived with roommates prior to meeting me, and ever since leaving, he has been with family or friends and for several years in a 3/4 house for recovering addicts, no permanent, non-familial women in any of these places. Yet, he kept himself fueled somehow. When my daughter went to visit him a couple of years ago, the guys in the home asked if it was one of his girlfriends, she was so shocked! She said they were serious also! Weird. Anyway, I have wondered how he does it but I think he can get enough without the sex factor that the roommates supply it.
Well good to know he’s not the only mystery ! Maybe some of them really are capable of being fuelled by non intimate sources for a while 🤷🏻♀️
My ex always has intimate sources but just not a live in IPPS, except when we were married. He is so cocky, I don’t think he has ever worried much about becoming low on fuel, or not being able to obtain it when he wants to, from any type of source. He’s such an ass.
Haha ! Sounds like a similar situation to mine – he sees people and dates – but no one gets a title, and no one moves in; just casual relationships.
I’m wanting a partner for sexual reasons only – this is new territory for me as I am not practiced in the art of the “hook up” – I’m also extremly Pessimistic towards men – I look at the dating profiles and do nothing but criticize them to myself (I don’t have much faith in relationships in general, I suppose that’s what narcissits will do to us)
I keep going back to trying to get a Hoover from my narc :
A) it’s easier then having to put time and effort into getting to know someone knew
B) I already know he doesn’t love me and sees multiple women – it’s all out in the open now – I don’t need to listen to some other narcissists bullshit stories and pretend to believe them.
C) I already know our chemistry is good and it’s not easy for me to find someone I have chemistry with – it’s either there or it’s not. And I don’t fake anything. I’ll lay there like a log if I do not enjoy myself and wont even give the hint of a moan – faking isn’t for me.
D) I’m OK with the fact it’s only going to be sex
E) I will lie to him about nearly every detail of my life – purposely as he does not need to know what I’m up too and I enjoy lying to him.
Obviously everyone will advise me against this – if so – OK….. then where the heck else do I meet a guy ? And won’t the other guy be another looser ? I’d much rather stick with the devil I know then the one I don’t.
If my ex was any good in the sack, I’d be tempted also. Can’t give anything to dissuade you, except disease??
Thanks A Victor ! Fun fact : he’s a safety first kinda guy (like – almost compulsively 😂) so to be honest that’s only another point to draw me back in ! Cause i know I don’t have to worry about that with him. The risk is very low.
Haha, I feel like I am being very bad right now, I don’t mean to encourage anything. You are lucky then, my ex was not this way, magical thinking all over the place with him! Reality check: Do you remember what the end was like? Were you miserable? I know for me, not worth going back due to that part alone.
Empath007, the issue is the Devil’s Pitchfork. Its a very real thing. Interacting with your narc will cause you to be impaled by the devil’s pitchfork. Take it from me, if you can avoid interacting with him, you should. Do you love this narc? If you do love him, when you suffer an adverse consequence from interacting with him, it will only hurt that much more. Plus you will be mad at yourself because you knew better and did it anyway. With someone new, there’s no attachment so you can put up your wall much more easily. At least, I would think so anyway.
Maybe BC30 can give you suggestions on how to find a “boy toy”. She has talked about it in the past so she may be willing to give you suggestions.
Hmm I like what you said about being able to put a wall up much faster with someone new …. that’s a very good point. Also, there isn’t any history of smearing etc with someone new – none of their friends etc will have any sort of impression of me that’s been tainted. And knowing I should remain calm would be likely easier with someone new then my ex.
I don’t believe I am in love with him. I believe I am addicted to the intoxicating drama he creates.
When I feel this way – i recognize it only has to do with sex – not love. And the thought of going through the motions with someone new (who doesn’t know what i like, how to get me off and vice versa) seems exhausting. Plus I do not want to put any effort into an actual relationship right now. I’m happy to close myself off from that. I just want to have sex with someone once in a while – but realize with our sorted past it would be too complicated !
Thanks Leigh !
Empath007 says, “I don’t believe I am in love with him. I believe I am addicted to the intoxicating drama he creates.” I know exactly what you mean. That describes exactly how I felt about workplace narc.
Now that things are back open, maybe it will be easier for you to find someone to play with.
Hi empath007,
I’m feeling you! I’ve also been thinking in these terms.. (and have made poor and selfharming decisions because of it).
Remember; He does not only just ‘don’t love you’.. He hates you, he sees you as inferior – an object, got contempt for you. He has abused you and treated you badly!! Do you really wish his hands on you? Perhaps he slept with prostitutes? That made me feel sick if something.
I would say these thoughts are the addiction that’s talking, it wants to get feed! Have you read sex and the narcissist? I’m thinking particularly on the part of persons who are extra susceptible to get addicted to their lovesex, do you recognise yourself in any of these?
I’m the crush victim.
Sex for them is a tool to control you. If it does not serve that purpose- too control you- they will know and the honey will be removed. Revisit “shall I use the narcissist for sex” and also see the comments as many share their experiences (I found that helpful).
I’ve also been pessimistic towards men, but remember its not a man problem- it’s a narc problem!
Where the heck else do you meet a guy?
Can you read a course or start some activity?
If the guy isn’t skilled at the techniques you enjoy – can you teach him?
And the devil we are all here to learn how to recognise them and stay away from them. The goal must be to find a normal or an empath, no?
Hold on!
Best regards
Jasmin
Thank you Jasmin. I haven’t read SATN – but a love/sex addiction likely most resembles my situation. Although I recognize rationally that him and I do not love each other.
I had a previous partner (for 15 year – was not a narc) whom I had no sexual chemistry with – I always tried to communicate with him what it was I wanted/needed and be did not care and did not try… I suppose that taints my view of someone caring about me in that respect. The narc offered me something different and I felt we had a good connection – so I am
Hanging on to that and have for a long time.
I think I’m a bit of an odd duck as I need to feel a specific kind of connection to enjoy sex – I don’t think it’s impossible to find that with someone else, just difficult. Sex as a physical act doesn’t necessarily excite me – my brain is my largest sex organ so the guy has to know how to get in my head – and narcissists are very good at that.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response
Hi empath007,
You write: “I always tried to communicate with him what it was I wanted/needed and be did not care and did not try…”
– doesn’t sound like an individual with emotional empathy to me. I think that if you love someone you DO CARE!
Of course you’re the one who knows your ex.
I know for me there’s no good sex in the world that make up for being on the wheel of misery. The pain weights so much more than the pleasure.
Yes, they are good at get into your head – the problem is to get them out. 👊
He did lack emotional
Empathy but he wasn’t a narcissist, too he honest I never completely figured out what area of the spectrum he’d be on but I’d say a normal.
Good point about sex not being worth all the other horrible trade offs lol. Thankfully I’ve felt rather pre occupied with other parts of my life recently and haven’t given the narc much or any thought !
Thanks for you kind words once again.
Pre occupied is a very good thing to be while dealing with an addition.
I’ve been thinking about what you and AV been discussing about the brain being the biggest sex organ.
For me – mind and body are working together. Narc1 was very much of ‘the mysterious mind player’. It worked as a turn on, got me very excited and my expectations were high. Unfortunately, once clothes were off all the magic was gone. He didn’t know how to touch me (didn’t touch much at all) or how to move (robotic).
So even if he managed to get into my head – if the technique isn’t good – that’s not enough! Narc2 managed both mind and body so, yes, he is the best I ever had, by the time he ‘wanted to attach me to him..’
It appears to me that you were satisfied with both?
I also think that the connection between us and a normal or empath will be a ‘clear’ connection whilst the connection with a narc is one of ‘euphoria’. At least that’s my experience.
I agree that the kiss is very important.
Hi Empath007, your story is similar to mine in some regards. If they don’t care, they don’t care, it is a bummer whether they’re a narc or not. My brain is where it’s at also, many men don’t get that. The summer narc did, absolutely, he was the sexiest man I ever “met”, even though he was a Lesser! The fireman was close behind, he and I were in a class together so it was quite natural to have the intellectual stimulation. But yes, that connection is a challenge to find.
Yes – it’s a specific kind of turn on. Physical traits don’t matter to me much at all – it’s really all about the head games for me
Lol. Admittley, there are some physical aspects (such as kissing) that need to be compatible. But I don’t care about penis size – muscle tone – hair color/eye color. The men I’ve been most attracted too have been those that can get into my head !
Hm, I am a bit more shallow, looks count too. But, the sexy comes equally from the mind, for sure!
Ugh! Physical traits don’t mean much to me either. Workplace narc was burned as a child and his face, neck and hands are scarred. He was also 100 pounds heavier when I was with him. I wanted to make him feel special and loved. Bastard!
Hi Jasmin, you can only teach them if they are open to learning. I’m currently “looking” (not looking but keeping my eyes open) for a normal or an empath, he may not be as exciting as a narc, but, if he’s willing to learn, lol, it will be fine!! 🙂
Hi AV,
You’re right when you’re saying you can’t theach someone who is not open to learn.That makes me wonder what would make a person not open to learn? A lack of interest?
Maybe I was wrong when I assumed that if you love someone you care about their sexual wellbeing. If I play with the thought that I was frigid and my partner told me he wanted this/needed that, I probably wouldn’t have shown much interest in these activities but I would have talked about it and see if we could find a solution that works for both. It’s a very difficult one though, if the needs are very different. I’m not capable of letting my partner have someone else on the side so I would probably have told him that – ‘I can’t meet your needs so we aren’t suitable together’.
As I’m writing this I realise that even if I wouldn’t fulfill his wishes – I would still care!
I hope you find someone – normal or empath.❤ You can find the intellectual connection, but it grows slowly!
I’m still not ready so I’m waiting for my love-devotee to make itself heard…🤷♀️
Hi Jasmin,
“what would make a person not open to learn? A lack of interest?” I think it would be more of a sense that control is established so why put the effort in. So, yes, a lack of interest but not for the same reason normals or empaths would lack interest.
My ex did not love me, he is a narcissist, he can’t. But the more I learn, the more I see so clearly how he used sex as a tool in many different ways. It was cruel and I never understood it while it was happening. I think you are correct that if a person loves another, romantically, they care about their sexual well-being.
Thank you for your reply, these conversations help things get sorted out in my mind! 😊
Excellent info you are providing!
He’s a bit of Anchor and Ping Pong. I had been with him for 6 years, after the first year I found out he wasn’t single as he said. Then the next 5 years he’s supposedly been getting a divorce from his wife and going to marry me. What an idiot I am to wait that long before realising there won’t ever be a divorce, she is his doormat or should I say co-dependent. I am no contact for a month after he left to go back to her because she is ill, he’s really fu*ked her mind and her body is now sick.
Oh, Filiz. I am also a member of that club, but going NC was the best decision I ever made. I wish I could have seen his face when I realized I was ignoring him. LOL Anyhow, the wife can have him.
Are narcissists parasites? That is a very ugly term, but some say parasites can be life sustaining against the poor choices of the host (sugar or alcohol consumingl) …. so. maybe the “parasite” is actually an EMT of sorts
Parasite host relationship