Hiding From Yourself

 

HIDING-FROM-YOURSELF

Another session with Dr E. As I sat down in his consulting room I wondered how much had been spent so far with regards to this supposed treatment. A few thousand pounds no doubt and I imagined that both Dr E and Dr O would be more than content to continue these consultations given their lucrative nature. The cynic in my nature pondered that the financial rewards were such that they would string out this course of treatment for as long as they could.

That did not concern me. I was not paying and I usually enjoyed my sparring with the good doctors. It entertained me. However as I ruminated on whether the lure of filthy lucre was what motivated Dr E and Dr O, I realised that they at least gave the impression of wanting to help me. I know from the many sessions it was as much about me gaining awareness and insight in order to make informed decisions about what I wanted, rather than a prescriptive approach from these head doctors but I realised that they actually did care.

They wanted to help me. This of course was the main reason why I was content to keep turning up and being subjected to their questions ; these two examiners of HG provided fuel and other benefits and thus they proved attractive to me. My tolerance for their repeated probing of areas of my life that I preferred to keep shuttered and closed arose because they provided me with the attention that is so vital to my existence. I also knew that there was an admiration there for me as well. It was evident in the way the pair looked at me, especially Dr O. I knew, as academics, they admired the way I was so candid about the way I behaved.

I could see how they admired the way I had been created. I knew they did not like it, how does one like something like me given the abuse I dole out as freely as a farmer broadcasting seed, but they had that deep-seated admiration for this efficient machine that had been stripped of all unnecessary emotions and super-charged with certain traits in order to function at maximum effectiveness. Accordingly, even the doctors were providing me with the thing I needed and our relationship might continue ad infinitum. They continued to be fascinated by me and they desired to help me. I, in turn, was content to engage in this relationship as it provided something that I required. The arrangement was a mutually satisfying one, even when the doctors strayed into territories that were best left alone.

“Hello HG how are you?” asked Dr E. I hesitated. He did not normally enquire as to my state of being. Others would trot out such a question rarely interested in the answer but merely performing a social nicety. Dr E did not ask such a question and for him to  now do so put me on guard.

“I am excellent well, thank you for your kind enquiry,” I replied with a smile. I did not enquire after his well-being, I was not interested nor did I have to feign such interest.

“Good. Now, straight down to business, who are you?”

“H G Tudor.”

“Indeed you are. Anything else?”

I paused. I see Dr E we were going deep today were we? Very well, let’s flush out where you want to go.

“The question of who I am is something that depends on the context,” I began. Dr E commenced his note-taking.

“How does one define oneself is what I suspect you are really driving at.” I looked to Dr E for a sign of affirmation but there was none.

“Do I have an idea of who I am? How is that arrived at? Do I know who I am or do I look to others to define me? Am I an independent identity that has been shaped by my own decisions or am I a product of others and their experiences? Am I aware of who I am or have I yet to discover all that I am?”

“All interesting questions but let me return to my initial question,” interrupted Dr E, “who are you?”

“Who am I? I am many things to many people. Friend, lover, boss or confidant are labels which are applicable to me. Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable. Charismatic, urbane, intelligent, interesting, stimulating, successful and alluring are also traits that come together to create who I am.”

“I see. Would you say therefore that you are confident that you know who you are?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think that if I asked this question of your family and friends, your colleagues or even my secretary that they would give similar answers to those you have provided me with?”

I snorted.

“Liars lurk within the ranks of those you have described and they have nothing but ill-will towards me. Their perfidy is so great I can smell its stench as I sit here. By all means ask but you will be given nothing but a litany of lies. Insults and assaults on my good nature.”

“So all of them would insult you?”

“No, not all, there are those who know me for what I am.”

“Might it be said that they all know you for who you are?” pressed Dr E.

“No. There are those who have an agenda to topple me and it is they that think they know me but they have constructed an idea of what I am and it is a false one that is used to serve their nefarious purposes. Others recognise my greatness and they are content to embrace it.”

“But could it not be the case that these categories of people just happen to know different elements of you. Your admirers know the H G that is generous, interesting and charming. Those who you regard as detractors perhaps know a different part of you, the defiler and conqueror that you made reference to, this causing them to regard you in a less positive light?” asked Dr E.

“No. The defiler and conqueror are artifices created by those who seek to harm me. Let them do so and I will be that which they think I am. It is no more than they deserve. They create such a monstrosity through their perfidy and unwarranted attacks, so let them know the beast, let them feel its hot and fetid breath in their faces, the rake of its claws against their yielding skin and the full horror of its power on their being. They create it, let them endure it,” I spat, the mere consideration of those who would do me wrong causing my fury to ignite.

“Could you not possess all of those attributes? Could it not be the case you have them all and people see some over others?”

“No,” I said firmly. Dr E nodded and fell silent.

“What would you think if I said that I think you are hiding from yourself?”

I switched my gaze from Dr E and focussed on a picture on the wall. Not this, don’t start this again. Don’t let him gain a foothold H G. Repel the boarder, eject the intruder, cast him out.

“I do not hide.”

“But might you not realise that you are doing so?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do not know who you are?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do know but would prefer not to contemplate it?”

“No.”

“Is this line of discussion making you uncomfortable?”

“No.”

I shifted my gaze back to Dr E. Go on, keep trying to batter through my defences, you will not succeed. I know your game Dr E. I know what you are trying to suggest but I am not going there.

“Very well. Let us go back to how you regard yourself then, elaborate on that,” he invited.

The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. I smiled, elated to have rejected this probing once again and excited by the prospect of talking about my favourite subject in greater detail; me.

 

11 thoughts on “Hiding From Yourself

  1. NarcAngel says:

    Who are you?

    NA: There aren’t enough puppets and crayons…..

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:

      NA,

      Try the costumes!

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Giggling at the choice of words….”supposed treatment”. Absolutely. “supposed treatment”. WTF. Forced treatment. Misjudged. Unfairly. Yet, in some way, it was beneficial. How many people benefited as a result? How many people, including yourself, were empowered?

    ‘Hiding From Yourself’. One of my favourite articles.

    Why? Because I can relate to it from my own personal experiences in the past…..of the past.

    I no longer have a need to ‘hide from myself’. I know what I am. What I always have been. I was just not allowed to be myself. I got ‘lost’ over the years. KTN has given me the liberation to be ‘me’.

    Yes, I may still have need to hide ‘myself’ from people I do not know. That is something I have learned (through KTN) that I need to do, for myself, to protect myself.

    Unaware narcissists also have a ‘need’ to ‘protect’ themselves. They do this instinctively. They don’t know why they have this ‘need’. This is why they ‘assert’ themselves, why they ‘revert’ to the ‘Assertions of Control’. That is my Logical learning. Yet, it may not be my ‘empathy’ reaching out for them.

    I get it. I understand it. I learned the hard way.

    Re-reading this article again today, I can see the psychological ‘differences’ in the thinking processes. There is a ‘matter of fact’ approach on your part, where you have your ‘guard’ up. Not giving too much ‘away’, yet ‘aware’ of yourself. At the same time, there is the aware ‘instinctual’ thinking taking place. You do realise and why you ‘hide yourself’, not from yourself, from other people, who are getting too ‘close’ to the ‘inner’ self.

    We all have an ‘inner’ self. Some more vulnerable than the majority in this respect. Even those who appear to be ‘hard’ and ‘cold’ to the ‘outer’ world.

    There is no chance in hell that these Doctors are ever going to ‘break’ you. That is a really good thing.

    1. A Victor says:

      Hi Asp Emp, I giggle about this too, they “suppose” they’re treating him, and likely that he is cooperating and “improving”, and to his mind he is improving, just not how they think! Haha, but he’s too smart to let them know that! I like your idea that it has been beneficial for him to receive treatment regardless of personal “improvement” or not on his part. It has certainly benefitted many other people!

      “We all have an ‘inner’ self. Some more vulnerable than the majority in this respect. Even those who appear to be ‘hard’ and ‘cold’ to the ‘outer’ world.” I can relate to this.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        AV, thank you for your response. When I suggested it was beneficial for HG, I meant from the aspect of him being empowered too from his own awareness and confirmation that he in fact did not need the ‘treatment’ (even if the ‘confirmation’ did not come from the doctors themselves). I think some people forget that HG was also subject to ‘conditioning’ through his own personal experiences, so, effectively, he did not need treatment in the sense of the word. Once we, as individuals, begin to understand ourselves better, we actually become ‘evolved’ psychologically. Improvement in itself is not necessarily a ‘suitable description’ unless it’s an improvement within the psychological pathways leading to better use of the thought processes, then, yes, it can be classed as ‘improvement’.

        1. A Victor says:

          Ah I see, I was thinking he improved at his craft, of narcissism, which he fully expected to do upon consenting to the “treatment”. I believe I have read that his knowledge that this would happen was a reason he did actually consent. And, from what I’ve gathered around the blog, books etc, he did improve his craft via the treatment, via understanding himself and others even better, thus knowing better how to manipulate. Maybe we are saying the same thing? Yes, improvement is as we learn better ways of thinking, I agree with that, but better ways of thinking would be different from the perspective of a normal or empath to that of a narcissist.

  3. Truthseeker6157 says:

    “Who are you?”

    I don’t think that’s an easy question for anyone to answer. Im not entirely sure what the expected response is. It’s likely that there isn’t a healthy response as such, just a series of positive or negative markers pointing to healthy or unhealthy ideas of self. The fact that HG avoided the question would probably be a marker in itself.

    I thought about how I would answer that same question. I am allegedly a healthy, normal individual so how would I answer and where are the differences ? Would my answers be measured on a sliding scale of how healthy my sense of self is? I’d say I have a strong sense of self but how do I know that? Maybe I actually don’t. I just think I do. Nah, that’s not right, I know who I am.

    Knowing me I’d list my strengths and weaknesses. I definitely know those. I have nothing to prove in that scenario so I have nothing to hide in listing positives and negatives as far as I’m aware of them. I think I’d point out that strengths and weaknesses are only strengths or weaknesses depending on context. So whilst I’m stubborn as they come, that could be a strength or a weakness.

    I do agree that I’m different things to different people. I see that as showing different aspects of myself to different people in different contexts. The aspects shown though are still part of me. I’ll just be more one aspect than another dependent on situation.

    I think I’d have to list roles. I’m a mother, friend etc etc. Those are just roles though. They aren’t me in entirety, just parts of me.

    Lastly I think I’d say what makes me tick. My drivers I suppose. I’m honest, loyal, etc. I’d throw in a few likes and dislikes too. I hate apricots. I can’t abide fake people, but I love people in general, watching them, being amongst them etc. I think that’s how I’d answer. Not sure how I’d do, but I’m supposed to be normal so that would be how my normal response to the question would look.

    I think the key difference is that I’d be comfortable attempting to answer the question!

    1. A Victor says:

      Wow TS, your last line is really good! I hadn’t thought of that. Even not having a great sense of self, even less so prior to narcsite, I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable at the question either. It might have frustrated me not to have an easy answer but it would not have caused anxiety. Thank you for this comment.

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        Hey AV,

        I thought about this comment after I’d posted it and actually, it’s not entirely accurate.

        If I had sourced a therapist and the therapist asked me that question, “Who are you?” I would answer to the best of my ability as described above. If a trusted friend / loved one asked me, I would also answer as above.

        However, I too can be awkward and deliberately evasive. So, if I was in HG’s situation, manoeuvred into seeing the good doctors, then I wouldn’t be forthcoming. I’d close down, raise the walls and give away as little as I could just to be plain awkward. I do sympathise with HG’s attitude and approach here. These conversations were not of his choosing. He is manipulating for his own ends but even so, there is still a big difference between seeking therapy and having to attend therapy.

        That said, I doubt any narcissist would relish that question being posed to them. You can’t mirror or charm your way out, you can’t easily redirect from the question. With no emotional empathy to draw on, no introspection, it is a question to be avoided. There is no solidified sense of self for a narcissist. The self is perpetually in flux. The question therefore has to amount to a threat to control.

        I have no need for control but I wouldn’t appreciate being blackmailed into therapy either, so the good doctors would be given short shrift by me too in that context.

        Theoretically the question doesn’t pose me a problem, my answer to it though would depend on context and the person doing the asking. It’s the context part that was missing in my first comment.

        Bloody hell. This accuracy thing has got to me now as well!

        Xx

        1. A Victor says:

          Haha, I understand! The accuracy is a challenge sometimes, there are so many facets to different things! I see what you mean. I would also be thoughtful in my response, not wanting to share certain parts of myself unless I felt safe to do so. But, unlike a narcissist, I would not be thinking about how to control the situation, I would simply state only that which I felt okay to state. I would actually be in control, if that makes sense? Nobody can access these brain-thoughts without prior approval! But, I also wouldn’t feel threatened by it, only thoughtful.

          1. Truthseeker6157 says:

            AV,

            Haha, yes, agree our thoughts are our own and it’s entirely up to us to select who those thoughts are shared with. No one should be forced to lay out their private thoughts for analysis and questioning. It should be a personal choice.

            Totally, my actions wouldn’t be control based. Any evasiveness on my part in a similar situation would probably be down to my Saviour cadre lighting up. Justice. It’s not right to force someone to share themselves.

            To blackmail HG into therapy is the worst kind of privacy invasion. Matrinarc would probably not even recognise that and even if she did she wouldn’t care. That’s still sad. Even though HG is an adult and kick ass, it’s still sad that a mother would do that to her son. He’s still her boy for goodness sake. There should be some sort of sanctity in that somewhere although I know there isn’t.

            I’m glad HG leads the good doctors a merry dance. I’m glad he takes from it what he needs / wants. To consider a more pro social approach under those circumstances is the mark of the man. I take my hat off to him for that.

            Xx

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