Why Am I Behaving Like The Narcissist
Why am I behaving like the narcissist?
This is a common question that I read and that I am asked.
It causes worry and anxiety, it also leads to holes occurring in the No Contact Regime because an empathic victim lays blame on themselves and then engages in remedial action which damages that all-important No Contact regime.
This material provides you with a pillar for your Logic Defences so that you understand what is happening and you start maintain theNo Contact regime.
This material addresses the following :-
Why am I behaving like the narcissist?
What is driving that behaviour?
Can I stop this behaviour and how does that happen?
Am I turning into a narcissist?
Is there such a thing as “narcissistic fleas”?
How the narcissist´s Campaign of Projection is involved
Does Emotional Thinking play a part and if so, how?
What should I look for to distinguish my behaviour from that of the narcissist?
Am I instinctively behaving like the narcissist and if so, why?
Am I consciously behaving like the narcissist and if so, why?
Is this behaviour towards the narcissist only or can it be demonstrated towards non-narcissists as well?
Delivered as an audio file through email, this material, as always explained using HG Tudor´s unique and effective lexicon, will enable you to understand more about your behaviour. Understanding is the key to achieving freedom and it is just as important to understand you as it is to understand the narcissist.
85 thoughts on “Why Am I Behaving Like The Narcissist”
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Does grief erode empathy? My 26 year old empathic niece was found dead in bed by my sister recently. No reasons were found during the autopsy so we have 6 months of waiting on toxicology results. My highly empathic sister and I are very close and her reactions are understandably heartbreaking. I live in NC and my sister lives in PA so I’m flying back and forth when I can. In my everyday work and family life I am still being my empathic self but when people attempt to narcissist me I withdraw or become a smartass. When I’m not with my sister I just want to be ‘left alone’ to process this huge loss. I’m afraid it’s gonna turn into a cliff fight and I certainly don’t want that. Music, kind people who understand, and my animals do help but grief and anxious emotional thinking is still a bitch.
Shortly before my nieces death my narcissist mother-in-law had a massive stroke and wasn’t found for a couple of days by my empath son. MIL’s two narcissist sons certainly didn’t care so I stepped in and helped her during the first few days of her healing. Her narcissist nasty mouth returned and I said fuck it and walked away from her. Now her sons have no choice but to play some part in her future. I do have a natural need to heal and fix but logically it makes no sense to try to help. Caring for her would be a waste of my time. Before HG I would have wrestled to help her even though she was NOT a loving presence in my life. She was an early GOSO for me when I found HG’s work. MIL’s son’s reactions confirm that narcissist’s don’t do illnesses and dying. They don’t even call to check on her. It’s really a trip to watch exactly how HG describes narcissists in action. I feel like I was prepared for this in many ways but… I still have to watch my emotional thinking. I love the mirror method when I remember it. I also value my Logic Defenses On print that arrived the day my niece passed away. It stays in eyesight and travels with me.
Forgive the ramble. I’m a different person after months of Tudor study and I want to be sure I’m reacting properly. It’s almost as if I’m turning empathy on and off and it feels strange.
Yes, grief/bereavement are external stressors which erode emotional empathy and empathic traits. See “Understanding Emotional Empathy” and “Why Am I Behaving Like a Narcissist” both in The Knowledge Vault.
HG, thank you for the clarification RE: loss being external stressors. This was something I had struggled to understand for many years, hence why I find your work so useful in understanding other aspects of oneself outside knowledge about narcissism. You’re a good man, HG.
SParham, firstly, I am sorry about your loss. The way you are ‘responding / reacting’ is perfectly normal and totally understandable, even acceptable. 6 months is a long wait for you and your sister. I am glad that you are supporting each other through this difficult time. From where I am reading your words, you are thinking very well logically, despite being in a difficult place emotionally – effectively, in my view, you are “reacting properly”. You are a strong person and it shows. Kudos to you for that. I hope it gets easier for you all x
I had a very odd dream the other night.
Daniel Craig was gaslighting me over dishes in a dishwasher!
I’d filled it the night before and knew I’d turned it on, ready for the morning when the dishes would be needed again. Daniel Craig was there to greet me when I got up and pointed out the dishes were dirty and the dishwasher had not been turned on 😛 I started to argue with him about the fact I knew I had done it, but the proof of dirty dishes was right in front of me. I started to think ‘narcissist’, and ‘you dirty sod’, you’ve gone and set me up with another load of dirty dishes just to make a fool out of me! Then, much like his character in Knives Out, he began to build a case against me … OMG … pulling all kinds of ‘wrongdoing’ on my part out of the hat to show what a terrible person I was, which had me wondering IF I WAS THE NARCISSIST!
Damn you, Daniel Craig.
I know I washed those dishes 😉
You *did* wash them!
I highly recommend Finish Quantum Powerball next load!
Hahahaha, Lisk 😛
I’m going to give him the Casino Royale treatment if he tries that on me again 😉
LET, laughing….”I’m going to give him the Casino Royale treatment”…….that’s So Wrong 😉
Daniel Craig would be the one getting the spanking 😉
LET, that’s So Wrong too, he’d persuade you to do the Right thing 😉
Yes, he’d definitely charm his way out of it with me <3 I can never stay mad for long 😉
Whichever way the spanking goes, just be sure it’s in time to the Piston from Ex Machina! 😂
AV, does this relate to one of HG’s videos?
Either way, I’m going to have to check it out.
“Whichever way the spanking goes” … Daniel Craig turning the tables on me again 😉
Hahaha, I think it is the Spanked that came out second most recently, in the comments. I laugh every time I read it!
LET, laughing……”either way, I’m going to check it out”…..
AV is making a reference to…. https://narcsite.com/2021/10/14/spanked-4/#comment-417246
So, yes, it is in relation to one of HG’s videos…..
There’s some Thought Fuel……. 😉 🙂
I still laugh every time I think of that comment Asp Emp!
Haha, AspEmp, indeed 😉
Lisk, LOL.
Lol, you dream about Daniel Craig pretty regularly don’t you? I think there’s more going on here than meets the eye…? 🤣🤣
Yes, that one kind of came out of the blue, but he’s been on my mind lately … no doubt the Premiere of his new movie has triggered me 😛 A girl can dream <3
LOL to the fact HG has just posted the Roast on James Corden …. you'll never guess who he had on his who a couple of weeks ago … you guessed it, Daniel Craig! And he got to 'pretend' punch Corden which I bet is what HG would like to do in real life 🙂
Haha, I saw the “punch” when I looked up Corden that day with my son! It was pretty funny! I have my son lined up to go to the new Bond film when it comes out. Craig is the only reason, as Pierce was before him. 😍 Your dreams are understandable!
🙂 I go to the movies with my kids as well.
Whenever I think of Pierce I don’t think of Bond, I think of an episode of the Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror, where he is the voice of the “Ultrahouse 3000” … haha, to the name as well – “Ultra”!
HG should have been on that selection 🙂 I know we’d all choose his voice if we could <3
Hey, I cannot allow myself to believe that Pierce is a narcissist. No. No. He can’t be.
Yes, HG’s voice is preferable to Pierce’s, though I feel disloyal to Pierce saying that. Tonight I had a good conversation with my son about HG’s voice. I was telling him about HG’s new Treasure Trove YT site and explaining that a lot of people are really taken with HG’s voice, he has heard it, I said “It is quite similar to yours and Grandpa’s” and he started to smile mid sentence, knowing where I was going with it, hard for me to think of it like many do but also kind of nice, it is so familiar in a sense. I just love it because it is HG’s. I was surprised my son understood so easily.
AV, just for the record, and in light of any anxiety, I am in no way saying either my heartthrob or yours is a narcissist … in fact, I know the opposite about at least one of them (you’re going to have to guess 😉 )
Pierce is definitely handsome, and I wasn’t so interested in the franchise when Pierce was Bond, so perhaps I’ve missed some of his appeal. The Ultrahouse was a scream, and Marge was totally seduced 😛 I think Pierce was a narcissist in that episode, if you can call technology narcissistic! He got very possessive of Marge and took control of the house, as you can imagine. It’s so fun finding these random links to narcissism, even in a Simpson’s episode.
That’s so interesting what you have shared about HG’s voice and your son’s thoughts around that 🙂 HG knows he has a unique voice which is a definite drawcard, although I will admit I found it a bit ominous at first. Now, it’s like an old familiar friend (if I may be so forward). I can imagine how much more impactful it is for you if he sounds like your father. So much so your son even recognized it.
I’m yet to move across to the Treasure Trove as I’ve engaged in multiple conversations now which also require a response. I’m looking forward to it, though. Reading other people’s comments has inspired me, and I’m not sure which ones will stand out for me, but I’m looking forward to the discovery.
LET!! I know something about one of them to!!! Yay!!
Oh, God, which one? Mine or yours? 😛
Hehehe…
My lips are sealed…
And even more like my son’s voice than my dad’s. Of course they don’t have the accent.
<3
OMG … “who he had on his who” 😛
I feel like Dr. Seuss!
That should read “who he had on his show” 🙂
Hahah, I understood!!
LET, you and Daniel Craig are cosey-cosy 😉 I would not necessarily describe it as ‘odd’ to dream about him (LOL).
He’s a sexy beast and thank you for saying it’s not ‘odd’ to dream about him <3
It did seem a little odd the way he turned up in my kitchen first thing in the morning to berate me about dirty dishes, but then where had he been all night?? He was still in his tux …
LET, well our subconscious minds can indirectly reflect what we think consciously 😉 I had a couple of dreams, one around a year ago……yet it was not something I had consciously thought about so it was ‘odd’ to dream it……LOL.
Did you dream about Daniel Craig, too? Ooh, maybe I have competition 😛
No, not the one you may be referring to. He has no competition 🙂
What a relief 🙂
I had a dream the other night where I literally woke myself up as I went to physically attack somebody! That’s never happened before. It was a very aggressive dream, one that involved my family, and I was shouting and lashing out at them. I don’t normally have those kinds of dreams. The only one similar is one I wrote about here a long time ago involved my mother where I was slapping her across the face repeatedly after she pulled one of her narcissistic stunts on me. My ‘violent’ dreams often involve my family, nobody else. And it’s a fact I’ve suppressed a lot of the emotion around them. The feelings often linger afterwards, which isn’t pleasant.
Taking more seriously your earlier point, there are times when our dreams come completely out of the blue and we can’t connect them to any current conscious thoughts. It’s harder to make sense of those. I can connect the Daniel Craig dream to his higher profile at the moment, I just didn’t expect him to turn up in my kitchen 😛
And telling me off about dishes of all things! Cheeky bugger.
LET, in relation to your dreams, in my view, and through my own personal journey on this blog, maybe your subconscious mind is reflecting suppressed anger (or, at least, what you have ‘held onto’), is needing a release?
Or, you have acknowledged it consciously and are still cognitively (and emotionally) working through it.
It does take time but you will be able to release these suppressed memories, rather than emotions – because it is a combination of the two being ‘locked’ together. In my view, this is why you experience “The feelings often linger afterwards….”.
How I did it, was to force my suppressed emotions + memories to the fore by processing them in my mind – as I read (and re-read as my mind became more clear over time) through HG’s articles that were ‘appropriate’ to my past.
We all approach our ‘understanding’ about ourselves in different ways. It was easier for me to do what I needed to do because I do not have ‘distractions’ ie family etc. In saying that, it is what I am that (ie my brain-wiring & lateral / analytical mind) that helped too.
You’ll get there, lass x
Daniel Craig is yours 😉 🙂
AspEmp, first let me get to that last line – THANK YOU <3
Breathing another sigh of relief 😉
I love your second two paragraphs which are spot on in the way you describe what is happening. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. I'm definitely still working through things, but I seem to have these 'stuck' places which are difficult to move past. Some actions I found particularly egregious, they potentially affected my children, and the lack of empathy was beyond. It's a little like our commentary in another thread to do with acceptance. I still have to add more thoughts about that elsewhere, but I have a strong bent for justice and struggle with elements of bitterness and resentment at times. I think my dreams are occasions where my sense of rage at their actions or inaction comes to the fore, but it's only my subconscious that will allow that. It may also be the fact we are in NC and I can't directly raise the issues with them, that was never allowed anyway, and so the feelings have to find an escape in my dreams. A lot of the time I don't think of them, forget they even exist, but in some moments elements of their presence or influence, or even some disconnected trigger, brings them to mind again. It's hard to know you have a family and that at the same time you don't. Still, my children are my family now <3
Thank you for saying I will get there 🙂 I truly admire how far you have come on this journey and it's obvious I've still got some way to go. Your encouragement, and not just for me but for all the bloggers here, is truly a blessing xox
LET, I am not a mother but when your children have also been affected, I suppose part of your ‘anger’ (bitterness, resentment) it certainly would add to your ‘situation’. I can well imagine at the frustration about being NC and not being able to raise issues with them directly. TBH that would certainly piss me off. And it also was frustrating at not being able to ‘confront’ muvver because she’s dead. I think I have done ok in dealing with it all. I suppose when you have been carrying the same ‘fury’ for a life-time, you can’t just ‘brush’ it under the carpet, but it can be done. I can understand why HG suggests NC because you can never ‘change’ their perception.
Thank you for your words of acknowledgement in your last paragraph. Daniel’s a lucky man 😉 xx
Ah, you get it, AspEmp. Thank you so much again x
I think what I am talking about are unresolved issues, ones that can never be resolved now because we won’t be in contact again. There is more relief than anything else attached to the notion of NC, I don’t miss them in many ways, they are as thick as thieves, so likely won’t miss me either. I accept that. In any event, resolution, or even an airing of the issues, was highly unlikely at any time in the past as no one is allowed to criticize mother. She is beyond criticism. My brother and sister agree on this.
Perhaps your mother’s death helped to bring part of the closure you needed, and I’m looking forward to that element of closure in my own life as well. Obviously you’ve come into much greater knowledge about your mother and what she was since being here, AspEmp, same as me. That’s another element in the process of closure or letting go, which is the opposite of sweeping it under the rug. The knowledge HG provides enables us to take out the trash, sweep away the cobwebs of despair, and breathe in deeply the scent of narc free air 🙂
It’s what you also say here about the narcissist never changing their perception. It’s us who must change ours. Sometimes I get fed up with that element of narcissism. At the same time, I am always capable of growth and change. The narcissist’s deal is locked in from a very young age. I don’t have to wonder who has the better deal in that sense.
Awww, AspEmp, thanks for saying Daniel’s a lucky man 😉 He knows it xox
LET, thank you for saying ‘I get it’. Unresolved ‘issues’ play a large part of our ‘journey’ of re-wiring our psychology – here on KTN, we are enabled to learn to recognise what they are, deal with them and look / feel about them differently. Muvver died 14.5 years ago. Hence why I suggested that the ‘bond’ ends when you die, not the narcissist – unless, you ‘deal’ with it before you die. Thanks to HG, we are lucky to have that opportunity. It is good to read that you seem to know where you are on your journey….which reminds me of HG’s comment on this blog “I am the test, to your belief in God, Allah, Buddha, Yoda…..To your patience; temper; tolerance; self-restraint; sanity; stability; reason; resistance; willpower; desire”. Yoda #008 signing out 😉
Haaaa! LET, tonight I was hitting someone so hard, that I was awakened by a quick flick of my arm in the air. If someone was really standing over me, he would have been hit hard, it was a really strong force, I was awakened by an unexpected lack of resistance.
Aggressive dreams happen to me sometimes, when I am emotional about childhood matters. Unfortunately, I am also an aggressor in them.
At around 4-6 years of age, I had the same horrible dream repeatedly. My mother was a witch. She was sitting with my sister by the fire with a huge cauldron. I struggled with my mom, but she always threw me into that boiling cauldron, screeching laughter. I felt no pain, but as if I was walking to the other side of the fire. I saw them both through the rippling hot air and smoke. They were close at hand, right behind the flames and the cauldron. I screamed and waved and jumped, but they were self-absorbed – as if they thought I was already dead.
To this day I remember him…
I have had several such meaningful, recurring dreams at different stages of my life. Fortunately, they are also pleasant 😊 Oh yes, today I will be thinking about one, before falling asleep, I haven’t dreamed about it for a long time.
Dreams that are dreamed in stages, continuations of dreams are also cool. Once, I even drew a detailed map of the land from my dreams, I traveled through it so many times, alleys, roads, buildings, I knew them by heart.
I love dreaming. Daydream too 😊
Oh my, Joa, the two of us are lashing out in our dreams!
That was exactly what happened to me … my arm flicked out in the motion of going to grab somebody – aggressively – and I woke myself up with that movement. It’s never happened to me before. I will awaken out of a dream because it becomes too intense, but generally I’m not acting out my dream. I think I have woken up crying before, though.
That is quite a dramatic dream about your mother and your sister, and also quite frightening for a child of such a young age I would imagine. Somehow you were kept safe in the dream and you have a wonderful way of describing your experiences. I enjoy reading what you write.
I have a sense you know your mother is a narcissist? If not, she certainly sounds narcissistic going by some of your recent comments. Which means you are an ACON (adult child of a narcissist) and this forms part of your addiction to the narcissist. I don’t know if you have considered an empath detector test (EDC), but I would say you might find the results interesting. You have a lot of passion, I can certainly imagine an element of Super, maybe Geyser, maybe Contagion for your Cadres.
I don’t have recurring dreams, or dreams I can dip in and out of, but my most recent narcissist had this ability, and also my eldest daughter experiences an ability to ‘control’ her dreams. They had this in common and I didn’t realize such a thing was even possible until he told me and I told her!
It is amazing you were able to draw a detailed map from a dream, so you must have the ability to also remember your dreams very well. Often dreams are forgotten on waking, or we have to reach for even for the minor details. Some just leave us with feelings, but lack any concrete information. I know there are times I’ve written mine down because I want to capture them. Sometimes I let my imagination go to work on them after the fact to see where they will lead 🙂 You obviously have an active imagination and daydreaming is also my thing. I think some of these childlike qualities never leave us as we wander into different worlds in our imagination <3
Joa, laughing about your dream about witches & cauldron 🙂 I don’t know why but I started drawing pictures of witches after my father died and muvver punished me for drawing picture of her as a witch – I am 9 / 10 years old for god’s sake! I lost my ‘rock’. In my bad recurring dream, my subconscious mind started to ‘register’ the nightmare and somehow, I started to wake up before the dream ended in the usual way. So in my subconscious mind, I was ‘training’ myself to wake up, eventually they stopped altogether.
Last year, I dreamt that I had so much money that I bought a whole town! Many of the houses were ‘derelict’ and I was going to let poor people live in them. It was somewhere over the border 🙂
LET, when the sleep gets too intense, I wake up too.
In times of emotional anxiety I also have the so-called myoclonic jerks. I even like it 😊 I fall asleep – about 15 minutes pass, usually an ultrafast nightmare – I am awakened by a shock of the whole body (jump) – I turn over and sleep soundly and calmly as a baby 😊 Reacting.
My mom – I know that. I’ve already closed the topic. I am grateful to her for many things. Her life was not easy. We’ll be able to meet soon. If she doesn’t push, it’ll be fine. I can listen with one ear when he talks about himself, and I’ve been doing it for many years. I can follow her instructions (as long as they are not embarrassing). I can ignore her little pins. But sometimes she wants to go “inside me” (load the gun into more accurate missiles), which drives me crazy. There is no entrance! Then I have to withdraw. I don’t want to hurt her, and I can do it in one sentence. I prefer to leave.
I wasn’t making a detector. I read HG articles, it was very interesting. I find something of myself in every school and kadr. However, most of the time I think I’m a fucking hybrid of empath and narcissist 😊 Sorry, I know HG doesn’t like such things – I describe it as I feel. And I feel that I have been fighting this self-righteous idiot all my life 😊
I see the same fight in my daughter. She is now very intense narcissistically. I was scared for a moment, but I don’t think I have to, I think I know who she is – or she is pretending so well.
You put it wonderfully – controlling dreams. My daughter also mastered this art 😊 Sleep is best controlled in the morning. Dreams in episodes – not always successful.
I don’t remember all dreams.
I also wrote down dreams, I have a few notebooks – hidden behind books, because some of them are too erotic for my daughter to read them 😊 Aaaaa, orgasm in a dream – I love it 😊
Some are so twisted. Yuck. Recently, my daughter has been concerned about a few things. I told her that not all dreams are our true desires and not necessarily our true preferences. And most importantly – we are not actually doing this. I calmed her down with a few disgusting dreams of mine (without going into details) and she breathed a sigh of relief 😊
Although I will not tell anyone about the darkest. Even “my N”. Even though he was once close to these topics. I laughed at him. He has a good instinct. Dodger😊
Fortunately, such dreams are rare. But due to their specificity, they are hard to forget.
Joa, I really enjoyed reading this comment. You made me laugh with your words “I’m a fucking hybrid of empath and narcissist”, I could not have put it better 🙂 It is an interesting ‘statement’ though. Because an empath has empathic traits and narcissistic traits. But, a narcissist will not necessarily have narcissistic traits and empathic traits. I was also amused at your descriptions of your dreams, you could have them published one day, under a pseudonym, of course. I would agree, that very few dreams can be remembered, as you put it ‘specificity’. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Joa, I see you have understood for some time what your mother is and have learned to manage that scenario. Good for you 🙂 You obviously have a level of insight that enables you to do that, and I’d like to think your mother would be grateful for the ongoing contact and the very intelligent daughter she has raised, but it’s more likely she finds fault with you or tries to deflate your ego. My mother is very good at getting those little barbs in at opportune moments and I thoroughly detest her for it. I don’t have the ability to deflect them, the poison invades my system, and my resentment accumulates. I decided several years ago now not to put myself through that anymore.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective on the EDC, and it took me a while to get around to it, but it was worth it in the end. It uncovered things about me that I didn’t know, such as the fact I am Co-Depdendent. I never thought of myself as CoD, despised the idea being weak and relying on others somehow for what I needed, and have also lived my life quite independently in many ways up to now. I could not see how that could be me until I was able to marry that understanding with the knowledge of being an ACON. My mother had made me her extension and as a child I had no choice but to fulfil that role in order to survive. I was not allowed to express myself or be myself, and was made dependent on her for my voice and knowledge of who I was. All this began to make sense after taking the EDC.
I see you mention your daughter being narcissistic, and my eldest daughter is narcissistic, too. I classify her as a normal because she is hugely empathic to those in her direct inner circle. She also moves outside of that at times, as she sees the plight of strangers, but for the most part retains her boundaries very well. She once tried to hand a sandwich she had bought to a homeless person who subsequently asked her if it had any meat on it as they were vegetarian 😛 When I related the story to a friend of mine he said “It appears beggars can be choosers!” Anyway, I love her to bits, she is doing a Business Master’s Degree with a focus on leadership and smashing it out of the park <3 I can see your daughter potentially doing great things in the future, too 🙂
My most recent narcissist had a recurring dream from childhood which he could never explain. There were a couple actually. I was surprised when he told me he could waken from a dream and then reenter the dream from where he left off. My daughter, who I just spoke about, can go in and out of dreams also, and sometimes tests out various endings until she gets the one she wants. Very driven, but often her dreams are apocalyptic, which means getting an ending where not everyone dies!
Orgasmic dreams are a thing, though I'm very surprised to see you writing about them here :O I had my first one several years ago and felt quite embarrassed if I am being honest … much like a young boy having his first wet dream! It was unexpeced, has happened again since, and I've got no idea what triggers them, but I always wake up a little shocked in the aftermath. There is no possibility of controlling them as it's obviously a subconscious thing which happens in your sleep. I don't think I'll ever understand those dreams 😛 Ultimately, some dreams are better kept to ourselves x
Ahhhha, orgasm dreams…sigh… glad to know they’re not uncommon. They’re amazing. The oddest time I had an O, in full on labor with one of my kids! Can’t stay which one in case they ever read the blog, but WOWSA! Embarrassing! The medical people and my ex standing around watching! Could have heard a on drop after that. I’d never heard of such a thing! No idea how…
OMG, least likely moment for an “O” 😛
That should be in the Guinness Book of Records 😉
Haha!! That’s what I thought too! Not sure I’d want to admit it to all the world though, as my real self! 😂
LET, of course my mom thinks I’m intelligent (when I’m not stupid :)). But also of course – she is the smartest. So she always knows, what’s better for me and that’s not up for discussion. I have what I have, because I always rebelled and didn’t listen to her. This is her version 🙂
Yes, I had to hold her away, completely ignoring her written, “moving” elaborations and lies about my unworthy behavior, passed on to my sister, so that she would finally notice me. Managed to. But I know, it won’t take long. We’ve been through this many times. I’m used.
It used to be that the biggest hurting me was: belittling “me”, spreading my most intimate secrets, and taking advantage of my moments of weakness.
I have already passed my aversion, I feel… tenderness towards her. Also gratitude – no matter who she is – she, not my father, was present. She lived and raised me.
My daughter – still under surveillance. It moves both ways. As a small child, she was cute, charmed all people, always smiling, expansive, extroverted. “Tell me, how are such wonderful babies made?” – the kindergarten teacher asked me. There have been many such situations. Currently a mutt, introvert, impertinent and very melancholic soul.
Excellent perceptiveness in interpersonal relationships. Reading between the lines.
Future – we’ll see. For now, he has a period of lack of self-confidence which he masks with haughtiness. It makes me worried 🙁
I am waiting for it to mature, then will be clear 🙂
Yes! I also wake up and fall asleep, continuing it and imposing the ending of the story on happy 🙂
Orgasm in a dream. Ah, this delightful pulsation 🙂 It seems that I had the first one very early 🙂 Dreams and erotic visions certainly at the age of about 6, very bold, as if they were ahead of detailed knowledge in this subject. Masturbation pretty early too. Perhaps I was escaping this way. I felt so nice, warm and safe then 🙂
I’ve never been ashamed. I find it completely natural. I am a very open person, also in reality, both in sex (if I love someone) and in talking about sex.
Erotic dreams in which I am the dominant man, are very interesting. If this is the case, how do I feel, they have great! 🙂 But also from the position of a woman, it is great, although a little different.
I am definitely heterosexual – although I have wondered about that once. Unfortunately, I’m only interested in men. Pity 🙂
“My N” wondered too. Although in his case, I wouldn’t be so sure 🙂
Joa, thank you for sharing, it was good to read your comment 🙂
Joa, there is a lot to take in here and I thank you for sharing more of your perspective on family and fantasy 😉 Your openness creates a space for others to share and also contemplate. When you speak of your mother I could sense myself potentially as ‘unforgiving’, and in many ways I am. That is because I can’t go near her without another barb being sent in my direction and it stinging me. To go near her is just to be hurt again, so I don’t go near her. That being said, she is not alone.
Your daughter is a teenager now and very angsty by the sounds of things. It comes out in different ways as they begin testing out their independence. Often the first born child will suffer the harshest restrictions as the parent is also checking the boundaries with the budding adult for the first time, too 🙂 It goes hard on both. Yet, somehow we survive. I imagine you and your daughter have a very close relationship as she is your only child, and she is fortunate in some ways to have much of the attention focused on her. She is now closing you out a little as she is beginning to find ‘herself’, but from my experience the children come back to you in an even stronger loving relationship if you manage this period well. Teenage years can be choppy ones for both. Good luck <3
I wouldn't be so sure about your N, either, btw. At least going by HG's teaching and the chameleon nature of the narcissist x
AV, the first time I hear about the organism in childbirth! 🙂
Wow, I’ll be looking for information. I will ask all my friends, ha ha ha 🙂
I know they happen when feeding babies.
I was feeding my daughter 8 months, it was very nice when she emptied her aching breasts (especially when I came back full from work), but I absolutely do not associate it erotically.
Ah! I remember her innocent blue eyes, as she drank the milk and stroked me with her small hand. I will bellow you with longing for those times… 🙂
Joa, RE: “I absolutely do not associate it erotically”, I have never known a mother ie my friends or my sister to describe it as such either. They felt a connection but not in a sexual way.
I agree, nursing did nothing for me erotically, not ever. I would’ve felt creepy if it had.
Yeah, let me know what your friends say, maybe it’s not that uncommon, who knows? I thought the O dreams were uncommon, but, apparently not!
I miss nursing my babies too, very much. Such a sweet time of bonding.
Ha, not in his tux for long!! 🤣
Haha, AV, well, I didn’t actually get to that part of the dream, but if it was anything like me and my most recent narc the clothes would have come off in a frenzy at some point!
Interestingly, I’ve thought more about this dream as it relates to narcissism since then.
He turned up in the early morning still in his tux … obviously he’d attended one of his professional committments and so I had gone to bed understanding he would return home late. The fact it was the next morning was likely raise my hackles, and he knew it. That thought wasn’t the first on my mind as he went on the ‘attack’ right away on seeing me, pointing out the dirty dishes still in the dishwasher. He knew there was likely to be a questioning, and as narcissist’s don’t like to be questioned and are entitled, he immediately deflected by finding fault with me. I immediately became defensive, felt confused, and tried to argue the point. Score one to the narcissist. It was only later I thought, hang on a minute you’ve shown up in the morning still in your tux with no explanation as to why you were out all night.
And that is the ploy of the narcissist. Attack, confuse, belittle, shame, ridicule, and that way have us forget who is really at fault. They are slick operators when it comes to getting out of things and HG has so many articles to show us how they do that.
Now, I would assume after upsetting and baffling me he may have turned on the charm, much like my last narcissist.
Him: “Look, don’t worry about it now. We can go out for some breakfast later. Why don’t we just go back to bed for a while?”
Me: “You haven’t been to bed yet.”
Him: “I know, and I’m exhausted. These promotional events are really taking it out me.”
Me: “I’m sorry. I know it must be hard to have to be on your top game all the time. Being asked and having to answer all the same questions, over and over and over.”
Him: “Over and over and over … and that’s why I look forward to coming home to you. I knew you would understand.”
Me: “I do.”
Him: “Let’s just go to bed. I know how to make it up to you …”
Ahhh, there’s the ending to my dream written in my fantasy <3
LET! You WAY overthought that!! Rip off the tux and be in heaven!!! 🤣😂
Seriously, thanks for sharing. It played out as it would with any narc. Good reminder!
Haha, AV, definitely took it to its limits 😛
I’ll follow your suggestion the next time 😉
I was thinking that’s exactly how it would play out, according to the narcissist’s playbook, adding in my own addiction, of course. I thought it was a good reminder, too, and thanks for saying so x
Hey, if there’s a good looking single man standing in a tux in my kitchen in my dreams, that tux is toast! 😂
You did really well.with playing it out.
xox
Tuxedo’s are sexy 😉
Especially on sexy men! Hmmm…😍
An O while giving birth. Ah, so THAT’s the hook! Mystery solved.
Hahaha, hook?? My ex was watching, not doing, if that’s what you mean… thank you for the laugh!
https://narcsite.com/2020/09/22/why-am-i-behaving-like-the-narcissist-am-i-one-2/#comment-379625
Re-reading my words “….it’s aimed at the people who are the narcissist’s “mates”….” made me laugh…..it’s how I worded it.
Having said that, it reminded me of an article that I read some time ago and typed up a comment to it…..
ET certainly plays a part in empaths who have reduced emotional empathy due to external stressors ‘triggering’ and / or preventing LT to ‘kick in’ and maintain ‘continuance’ – if such an empath is on the journey of learning on KTN. It is about recognising why the LT is not being ‘permitted’ to work on re-balancing the ‘out-of-sync’ ET. There are many factors to take into consideration (ie understanding the differences between comorbidity, if applicable and ET through addiction to narcissism). If people work at it, it can be done.
In my view, taking what I have typed as above can ‘tie-in’ with words in my comment as in the article https://narcsite.com/2021/02/10/the-narcissist-manipulates-digging-up-the-past-6/#comment-397264
Maybe an empath could be instinctively ‘responding’ similar to the anxiety as found within an unaware narcissist? And may not yet cognitively understand why it may appear they are ‘behaving like a narcissist’?
Certainly those narcissists at work made me out to be the narcissist. Other people who remain working with these narcissists may have realised by now, that I was not as I was ‘smeared’ to have been.
AspEmp, there is another intriguing case I have been reading about lately of a woman who stabbed her husband to death in a domestic violence incident. She was calm as she took the phone from him after he called emergency services and explained she had stabbed him, saying that she thought she stabbed him in the heart, but she couldn’t have because he didn’t have one, and also made numerous other comments indicating her total lack of empathy for him.
Now, I am of a mind that this woman was being abused, even though every indicator would be that she is a cold blooded killer. I think this is the empath who was pushed too far and totally lost the plot, or simply decided she’d had enough. Most would walk away, but perhaps her narcissistic traits overtook her after all the abuse she had suffered and thus we have the sad end to the story that we see.
For me, it’s the fact she was so matter of fact about it all, and on the call she tells the emergency services she is not going to help him as they suggest ways she could administer support, while also saying maybe she should go back and stab him again. Honestly, even the police told her to stop talking when they arrived as she was incriminating herself. She’s on trial at the moment claiming manslaughter as she has already willingly admitted her guilt.
Your comment made me think of stress triggering more narcissistic responses in empaths, though I’m not stating this woman is an empath. It’s just the unusual out of the box response she has given to the situation which has me wondering if she’s an empath who got pushed too far over years and several relationships. Could low empathy and high emotional thinking lead to an outcome like this? I’d be very curious to know.
I’ve been meaning to add to this as well. This woman was found guilty of murder. Even though the evidence showed she may have been abused. Right now, I don’t know what to think and I’d love to get your impression on this case, HG. Do you think she is a narcissist?
LET, thank you for sharing this story. Very interesting.
It could be an empath with total erosion of empathy…..BUT……
It does not seem that she had totally lost the plot as you suggest. Facts: she was calm, she appeared to be speaking with clarity (he has no heart), “should go back and stab him again” (I must admit I laughed at the ‘choice’ of words), her thinking seems clear too.
So I would be inclined to suggest that her level of psychopathy is high, possibly not necessarily a psychopath as such. She seems ‘measured’ in what she says and does. I am recalling both HG’s ‘Burn, Burn, Just for Me’ and ‘A Peculiar Placement’ and in my view, these would possibly invoke some thinking in relation to what you have shared here.
She has admitted her actions. She appears to have reached a mind-set of ‘The end justifies the means’ approach.
If it was an empath, they’d be screeching and acting ‘crazy’ (ie frenzied). So, in my view, that rules out high emotional thinking, no empathy seems to be present.
Not even cognitive empathy either. Because she’d not plan it otherwise.
Not surprising she was found guilty of murder. From what I read here, it was pre-mediated.
You asking HG whether the woman is a narcissist. In my view, no, she is not.
Thank you for sharing this. You have my ‘input’, maybe not necessarily ‘correct’.
AspEmp, thanks for sharing your thoughts around this.
This case took me totally by surprise, one of the reasons being the way the woman expressed how she felt about her husband in relation to her actions. My thinking around that is a narcissist/psychopath is likely to blame shift, deny responsibility, make for a pity play to ensure they are thought of as the victim. etc. Her confession, the calmness of her response towards emergency services – “Maybe I should stab him again” – the simple wording about his heart – “he hasn’t got one” – all make me think this is someone who has been brought to the end of her rope and completely tipped over the edge.
I take your point on “the end justifies the means” as being something quite Machiavellian and giving the sense of something premeditated. She did say she took the knife with thoughts of killing herself initially, but instead stabbed him as he goaded her about her suicidal threats. It was obviously an escalating scenario and maybe she did think about stabbing him, at least she said she was prepared to use the knife as a threat, and I’ve been in a position where I held a knife up to my ex-husband as he was threatening me. This situation appears to be more of a ‘goading’ than a ‘threatening’ on his part, that’s if we can believe what she says.
Interesting that you say you don’t think she is a narcissist, but think she may be psychopathic. I’ve been wrong before, so I’m just shaking the tree at the moment to see what might fall out, but having read conflicting reports about the scenario, I’m still of the mind she may have been an empath who has been abused over several relationships and for many years in this one which finally tipped her over the edge. It’s like she’s walking in a dream, there’s an unreality about how she approaches the whole thing, as if she has suddenly switched off what may have been her empathic nature, or dimmed those traits, and let the narcissistic, even psychopathic ones, come to the fore.
I just don’t think it’s as straightforward as it may present, especially as it relates to her lack of empathy. Once again, appreciate hearing your thoughts on it 🙂
LET, thank you for responding. Yes, we do have different approaches to this scenario but that is good for us because we are exercising our thought patterns around what we have learned on KTN. Considering that the dark tetrad does include narcissism. The fact she says about stabbing him again, it seems that the element of sadism was present . Why I suggest she is not a narcissist is that while narcissism may be present, in my view, it is not the ‘predominant’ trait of the dark tetrad within her. I did not apply my emotional response as I considered my thoughts on this one. It was good to read your views too. Thank you 🙂
AspEmp, thanks again for your thoughts.
It’s so interesting to see how we can differ around how we interpet events.
Stabbing him again could be seen as sadistic, and we’ve all likely read stories of sadistic murderers who take pleasure somehow in what they do, but I honestly get the sense this woman was switched off from any emotion, which makes me think she had a break or breakdown of some kind, though that is not obvious on the surface due to the calmness of her approach. That’s what is so surreal about it. It’s raising flags for me that obviously others don’t see, which is why I’m shaking the tree (so to speak).
I can’t really explain my thoughts any better than that, but I appreciate there are different angles to this sad yet fascinating case which has now been deliberated.
LET, thank you for your response. I enjoyed it because it was a slightly different ‘angle’ so to speak…..expanding our minds is what we need, so there is another reason to get rid of unnecessary ‘psycho-babble’ that is the narcissistic abuse of our pasts. Thank you for listening and discussing x
I was of the same impression as you until I started to read quite a few articles from the court case about this woman. I don’t know whether you read a few articles in the newspapers regarding this woman and the fact that the man she killed was her fourth husband and that there was questions by the family of her third husband regarding the manner of his death and that they said that he changed after he was with her and that he was almost afraid of her. They also described her as narcissistic. The Family of the man she killed also described him as being somewhat afraid of her and that he would never have been violent with her apart from one time after his son from his previous marriage had died back in the ninety’s, there had been no further violence from him to her. The Judge rightly pointed out that that she was trying to put across a self defence of being the battered wife. But she had no hard evidence to be able to back up her claim. Testimonies from friends and families also gave the impression that the husband that she killed was not abusive towards her. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for as she did nothing wrong. Her daughter said that she has lost her father and now she has lost her mother. This woman claimed she did what she did in a ‘moment of madness’. I would say it was narcissistic rage that she did what she did.
DB, interesting to hear your thoughts and thank you for sharing them. Narcissistic rage, or fury, is the other side of the coin here, and she has also been described as narcissistic. Definitely question marks could be raised about the number of marriages, how they ended (particularly the one with the husband who committed suicide), and also her ability to walk away from those marriages. Why didn’t she walk away from this one? Her husband’s brother apparently described him as being an “arrogant bully”, and said the wife had learned not to answer him back, especially after they had been drinking.
That’s another aspect to this case where both seem to have been as bad as eachother in some ways, and what then is the possibility of them both being narcissists? Was she an empath with a Super element which kept being called out in the circumstances? Was she a narcissist with psychopathic tendencies?
She describes her experience of abuse much like many empaths would do, but stabbing your husband to death isn’t the usual end result and doesn’t gain you much sympathy. Especially after you’ve refused to render aid during an emergency call and admitted the crime to police when they arrived, very calmly and without any seeming remorse.
It is sad for the daughter who may feel responsible after making a special effort on her mother’s birthday to acknowledge the day. What was meant to be a celebratory occasion turned out to be anything but …. does that in any way remind you of the narcissist?
This case has truly fascinated me. I’ve never seen anything like it before.
I appreciate your input and thoughts around it, DB.
LET, Asp Emp,
I’m sure it’s possible she was an empath on the brink of strength.
There are many such cases in which I think that, contrary to appearances, it was the other side that could be to blame.
Although … I’m not objective, because I always take the side of women in my first instinct – unless it’s impossible to maintain it.
In my town, a woman, 68, recently drowned in a lake. The children say her father has been “harassing her” for over 40 years.
Thanks for your input on this, Joa.
I think you’ve stated the problem I’ve been having … “contrary to appearances”. The appearance of this woman would lead most sensible people to assume she is guilty – she did it, she admits it, she has no remorse. What’s to wonder about?
I don’t think I’m necessarily inclined to take the side of the woman, and in this case it’s quite horrific that she stabbed him again after he’d made his call to emergency services for help and then refused to render assistance. If a man had done the same thing to a woman, would I be in sympathy with him? That’s a question I need to ask myself, but I’d likely come out with the same answer. The reason being she seems ‘switched off’ somehow in the moment. The whole thing has an air of unreality about it, as opposed to a deliberate and calculated move, which she is now proudly admitting to as well.
Women, of course, are generally considered more vulnerable so in many ways it’s easier to come to their defence, but when they are the aggressor it generally muddies the waters.
As far as the case in your town goes, do you think the father murdered her or that she committed suicide? I can imagine if he had been harrassing her for all those years she may have gotten to a point where she could not tolerate it any more. That’s very sad at her age if that’s the case 🙁
LET, she drowned herself. At that age… She was sick of the bullying.
Yes, I can imagine being brought to such an edge of despair and emptiness, that the victim kills the torturer. Perhaps this repetition of blows is even specific? More details would have to be known.
Recently, I was wondering about another case. For about a year, I watched quite often one of the windows in the skyscraper – often open, even in winter. My friend and I were wondering who lives there, we were attracted. It turned out that this man, after about a year of continuous “airing” and cooling the apartment, jumped out of the window. Perfect order was found in the apartment. Each piece of equipment was described and marked – what is for whom, with words of farewell to everyone. Everywhere, sticky notes literally everywhere.
I wonder, who he was and what was in the letters… And why was this window attracting me so much?!
Not on the topic, but it reminded me and I wanted to write.
Sleep well man, whoever you were and whatever you’ve been through…
Joa, sad again to reflect on this woman’s story, and no doubt the narcissist relationship can often end in tragedy, most likely for the empath. The narcissist is too selfish in terms of self preservation, which is why they often die last and the empath, even of natural consequences, dies sooner. They’ve had all they can take. The stress has taken a toll on their body, never mind their mental and emotional health. In that sense they really are like blood sucking vampires draining the life out of us. Another reason not to create an opportunity for them to do that <3
The woman in the case I mentioned has tried to make an appeal on her conviction based on the fact media footage shared of her arrest and call to emergency services impeded the basis for a fair trial. It definitely didn't show her in a good light, she couldn't have appeared more callous, and unfortunately people are not going to interpret that as the mental state of a woman who could not take any more or had possibly come to the end of her tether. Now, I'm not stating categorically that was the case, but it is too unusual just to put it in the basket of cold blooded killer for me.
That is another interesting, and very sad story, of the man who lived in the skyscraper. Leaving the window open could have been a cry for help in some ways, as in he was trying to draw attention to himself and his plight. I imagine it was your empathic eye that was drawn towards his window, being unusual in the middle of winter as well. He took much time to prepare and for other to know why he did what he did. Hopefully a lesson of some kind can be learnt from that.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts again, Joa x
HG, so I have accepted that I’m probably always going to be attracted to narcissists.
But it just occurred to me, isn’t everyone a narcissist to an empath? I mean if we empaths are say, -10 on the narcissm scale, and narcissists +10, and everyone else falls more towards the 0, doesn’t that mean anyone above is going to be narcissistic to us?
Cuz I seriously find it in everyone, except those who get it as an empath–for real. (Narcs can play it pretty well at first)
No.
Access “Understanding Emotional Empathy” which you will find in the Knowledge Vault.
…..erm……let’s see……well, I do have a good measure of the ‘dark tetrad’ within me but it does not make me a narcissist.
The paradoxical complexity of my being an ACON, with neurological differences, physical disabilities and the CPTSD with different LOCEs throughout my life is going to ‘activate’ my GPD characteristics that was inherited from parents and grandparents.
So, basically, I am this, that and all that and I am also, neither this, that and all that……laughing……I attract all sorts and also repel all sorts……
*gets out Narcronym Key to decipher Asp Emp’s post*
Lisk, that is hilarious……I think you’d need hell of a big book to be able to decipher me 🙂