Offspring : The Narcissist and Children



I have detailed previously why it is that we regard the act of impregnation as a material asset in the narcissistic armoury. It is not only the promise of impregnation, but the act itself and what this act creates that produces a whole host of benefits for our kind. This is the approach adopted by numerous of our kind, those who see children as additional appliances from whom fuel can be drawn, pawns to be used in the repeated triangulations which can be orchestrated with the primary source and the method by which we are able to claim the achievements and the accomplishments of our issue as our own. Not all of our kind adopt that approach. There are those of us who regard the idea of offspring as a threat and a hindrance to our agendas.

Why would we want someone to come along and steal our limelight? From the moment a child is born it is sufficiently pathetic that it requires nigh on twenty four hour assistance. It cannot walk, it cannot feed itself, it cannot clothe itself or wash itself. It must be tended for on a repeated basis. If you were to look to us to do this, you would find that there would not be any assistance forthcoming. Not only are we notorious in our desire to shirk menial tasks (unless we see that there is some considerable benefit in us doing so) but we do not see why we should have our needs pushed to one side in order to facilitate the care of another. Even though that child is a product of our loins, there are those of our kind who adopt such a view. You ought not to be surprised by that. We behave the same with our parents, siblings and wider relatives. We are like that with friends of both short and long-standing duration and naturally we behave in such a way with the person we supposedly love, our intimate partner. Why then would you expect anything different from us in respect of a child. In such circumstances therefore, the decision not to have children would be regarded as a blessing I am sure by your kind. We could not countenance that all of the emotional attention would be directed and fixated on such a helpless being. Here we are, magnificent and brilliant and you choose to direct your fuel to somebody else. That is an insult indeed to us and a mighty criticism which would wound us considerably.

Our resources would also be sought for this new arrival. Time, energy, finances and so forth. We regard our resources as ours alone and begrudge sharing them, unless such largesse brings additional reward for us. This selfishness is necessary in order to preserve ourselves and the fact that a child needs our resources is not going to change that mind set. We do not do anything just for the sake of doing so. There must be an ulterior motive to our actions. Pouring our resources towards somebody who will be oblivious to this for some time is not something that finds favour with some of our kind.

From your perspective we know you regard us as selfish for behaving this way. We regard it as self-preservation. You are the givers and the carers, we are not. If you wish to judge us for adopting such a stance, so be it, but for those of our kind who regard the issue of children as something to be avoided, that position is most unlikely to alter. We see only loss. Loss of our resources and loss of our fuel. Whilst some of our kind regard the additional benefits which can be derived from having children (the binding of the primary source, additional fuel provision, potential for traits and triangulation etc.) as worth obtaining despite the likelihood of reduced fuel from the primary source and reduced resources, there are also those from our ranks who assess the situation and decide it is not a price they wish to pay.

What is behind that? Why is it that some of our number opt to have children and others refrain from doing so? I cannot offer a definitive answer, although I consider, from my experience and those that I have engaged with that the proportion of our kind who decide to have children is greater than those who do not. I suspect the temptations of further fuel provision and triangulation prove quite the draw. It also highly likely that the idea of securing our legacy through children proves attractive as well. Seeing our own image and knowing that it will, more likely than not, outlive our mortal selves, does appeal to the need to maintain our idea of omnipotence. See how mighty we are that our influence lives on in our offspring and will do so in their own as our dynasty is forged. Such a notion does provide its own appeal.

What of me? What tipped the balance for me so that I opted to remain child-free in order to remain light on my feet, unhindered and fully-resourced. Was it the factors I have described above which caused me to decide that having children was not for me? In part yes, although I readily admit that the other elements and benefits from having issue are attractive. No, whilst I weighed up these various benefits and disadvantages it was something from my past which proved to be the deciding factor. It was something that has resonated with me for some time and something that somehow buried deep inside me and stayed there for a while until I decided to act on it and made my decision as to my destiny in respect of children. The idea of seeing those in my own image wending their way through the world and following in my footsteps was a strong pull, a strong pull indeed, but ultimately it came down to something else. This may be applicable to others of our kind as well, but for me the decision came down to this.

I could not take the risk of him or her or them reminding me of you and what you did to me.

Those words will never be forgotten.

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2 thoughts on “Offspring : The Narcissist and Children

  1. A Victor says:

    After arriving here it didn’t take long to realize my mother was a narc, and to then accept that she’d never really loved me. It was a relief learning this, it explained everything, also when I learned about my dad a few months later. With him I still struggle with the idea that he couldn’t have loved me at all, not even a little. Then someone pointed out that even narcissists can, often do, have the experience of at least one parent that doesn’t love them, this surprised me but made sense. But it wasn’t until much later that it dawned on me that my children also had experienced this. I didn’t understand how my ex could be a narcissist for the longest time, I wasn’t connecting the abuse to the reality. It was heartbreaking to realize my kids had grown up with a parent who was incapable of loving them. It makes so much sense, looking back, but it still can make me cry.

    My son told me recently that he remembers the first time he really thought about his dad, and his dad leaving. It was 9 years after the fact, up until that point he’d just not considered it. He was 16 and he realized as he was telling me that it correlated with the beginning of some of his questionable life choices and the ensuing depression. He also said he sees no reason to forgive his dad. We discussed this for a few minutes and I actually came to understand his thinking about it. I don’t need to forgive him anymore either, or not, he’s nothing to meet at this point. It was a good conversation.

  2. Joa says:

    “My N” never wanted children. He reacted panically and aggressively. Yet he was trying to get me pregnant. Instinct won over reason.

    Same as for me.

    For many years I struggled with remorse that I gave her such a father. I still have them. I knew, what he was like, and I went on and on. And I still look at him 🙁

    When our daughter was born, he competed with her, tried to drag me away from her.

    When he came back and I asked him, why he couldn’t be decent enough to buy her a birthday present once a year (I would have done it for him), to call her sometimes, to speak up sometimes instead of the silence. Why? He replied: “Because she has you.”


    The sentence: “Pouring our resources towards somebody who will be oblivious to this for some time…” – gave me a new perspective on my own situation. Thank you HG.


    “I could not take the risk of him or her or them reminding me of you and what you did to me.” This sentence shocked me. He said many times, something like that, only now is it coming to me. And his reaction, when I sent him a picture of our daughter: “Oh no! She’s just like you!”

    However, he continues to invest.

    My daughter doesn’t know much, but she says that through me, he wants to get to her. I think, that through her he wants to get to me. We both have big ego 🙂

    In fact, I accept both versions. And two completely different ones, in which we are only serving as collateral for either the current or the future IPPS.

    I set it up so that, by the end of the year it remains to be seen whether it is one of the first two versions or one of the last two versions.
    It is possible that it is changeable and fluid. I am wondering about it unnecessarily.

    Independently. I use.

    How many emotions do I have to hold back in order to act like this 🙁

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