Bare Necessity

I didn’t ask for this you know. I know you did not either but for once let’s not make this about you and let’s talk about me, yes? I never asked to be created so that each and every day I must gather the fuel that is necessary for my existence. Yes, I must eat, I must drink water and I must breathe the air, just as you do, but for me I have another staple requirement of daily living. I must have fuel. Did you choose to always needs food and water? No, you did not. Neither did I. I did not choose to require this fuel either but without it I will cease to exist. What I have created in order to survive in this world will come toppling down and that will be the end of me. How far would you go to eat? At first it is simple enough is it not? You go to the grocery store or you order online from the supermarket and acquire the ingredients to make a meal or receive a pre-cooked one. You chop, you peel, you mash and you stir and you make that meal. A hundred thousand different recipes to choose from. Instead you may remove the packaging, pierce the cling film and pop it in the over or the microwave. Either way you have food, ready to eat and to sustain you. But what if you had no money to acquire this food, how would you quell the rumblings in your stomach? Perhaps you might ask to be given food from neighbours, from food banks or left overs at supermarkets. It is demeaning but you need to eat don’t you, so what does a little pride matter so long as your stomach is filled? However, what if that charity ends? What if the benevolence of friends and neighbours dries up? What would you do then? What if there are no friends and no neighbours? Would you look to survive on berries you find by the roadside, drink the water from a stream? Would that sustain you for long or would you tire of that? Would you scavenge through the bins outside a supermarket for food that has been thrown out but is perfectly edible? Is that stealing? Perhaps not. Would you cope with the stares of pity and disdain from those who saw you surfing a dumpster? Would you steal from the shops in order to quell the hunger pangs? Snatch a loaf from a bakery, sneak into a house and steal that cooling pie or rifle through the cupboards in order to find something to eat. What if there is no edible food in the dumpster, would you remove the mould and eat what you find, risking illness? What if the supermarkets ran out of food and there was nowhere to steal it from? Would you scavenge from the orchards until that fruit ran out? Would you catch fish or hunt a lamb or grab a chicken in order to cook and eat it over an open fire? What if the usual sources of meat began to vanish, having fallen prey to starving wild animals following the collapse of civilisation, what then? Would you try new sources? Would you, driven by hunger hunt down and eat a sparrow or a robin? How about an owl? Seagull? Would you slaughter a fox in order to eat its meat? Where would you stop? Would you eat another human being in order to survive? When needs must where would you draw the line? How far would you go to feed yourself and your loved ones? Begging, growing you own, stealing, savagery, cannibalism? Do you have a limit or when the chips are down and your stomach is knotted with the agony of starvation would there be no limit? How far would you go? Would you fight another person for a packet of rice? Beat someone up in order to steal their hoard of windfalls? Would you consider their loss of their food source and their injuries an acceptable consequence of your own necessary survival? Would this become collateral damage in the pursuit of survival? Abhorrent as it may sound, I should imagine, when the need really arises, that you would go beyond the unpalatable in order to survive. Now replace food with the need for fuel and you will understand that I have no choice other than to gather this fuel from different sources and in different ways throughout the course of each day. The consequences which arise may seem regrettable to you but they are purely the result of this need for me to gain fuel. I did not ask to have to do this, but the way I have been created makes it so. In the same way that you would fight to ensure your own survival, rather than curling up and dying in a hole, so must I. Does that make me what would be regarded as a bad person for just doing what I need to in order to exist? I suggest that it does not. I know that what I do has consequences for others. I am not blind nor am I a fool. I understand fully the devastation that I cause as I tear through someone else’s life like a whirlwind, sucking everything in, hurling it about and then discarding it broken and shattered. I have heard the complaints, the stories, the recollections and the accounts. I have heard the cries of dismay, the wails of misery, the screams of terror and the slow sobs of pain. I know what is caused by my actions but what choice do I have? I do not set out to achieve these things but they must always arise as a consequence of what I must do. I feel no guilt nor remorse. I am devoid of those emotions. Another consequence of the way I have been created. I feel no shame in these actions, no pity for those who suffer from my behaviours and no sense of empathy for those who are remorselessly cut down by my machinations. I am not burdened by such emotions so I do not toss and turn at night, I do not have my sleep peppered by nightmares of torment, I do not sit in anguish and seek absolution for everything I have done and everything that I am to do. Those concepts are not applicable to me. What I do is invite you to understand me. I want you to understand what I am, what I must do and what arises from this and if you were in my shoes then you would do the same. This does not make me a bad person does it? I am a good man who is having to do a bad job. Yes?

35 thoughts on “Bare Necessity

  1. Over four years as I have confided in him even after two terrific long term devaluations… I continued to trust…even knowing better and knowing for sure what I was dealing with… after finding this site three years ago.

    The trauma bond is deep…especially with this one. He is classic to everything you write about. He has once slipped verbally about a year ago… I was half joking and I asked him what was wrong with him… and he said…’I am a narcissist.’ This is the only time he said this after we were together on and off for four years. I started researching this about 18 months in… 2018.

    I am now no contact (first time late 2018, then late 2019) as of the past five months. He would explain it as he ‘discarded’ me with a few hoovers to tell me “Don’t you forget how much I did/do for you” and to tell me about his “shiny, brand new friend”…he truly used those words. I suppose I let him do this.

    This is an emotionally devastating, physically exhausting, truly sickening constant state of fight or flight, high anxiety, panic driven place to be. He said (as he sent me a picture of her… “oh, she is kind of cute, what do you think?” as he told me she was almost divorced and she would be getting a nice alimony payment from her ex-Doctor husband for the next several years). He drained me of my savings. He drained me of my self worth (well tried to entirely) , etc as of now. He tried to trap me in a job working for his narcissist friend…which I did to help them both.,,what was I thinking??? I am always trying to help, make him happy, as he looks at me then as weak, vulnerable, one to be controlled…one to be discarded because of her need to please…which he deep down feels is a repulsive character trait. Exactly the opposite of why he tried so hard to win my heart. He loved/wanted my happiness, my confidence (in him), my love of the little things, my strong yet small connection with a few friends, my love of my family, (though out of town that he loved that they were not close by), my animals, my neighbors. etc. I have a very small circle of loved ones…and he worked hard at making me feel isolated and alone…he was quite successful. He tried to drain my preteen daughter out of the same and they had very little interaction after the first devalue… She was on to him and continuously asked/told me to leave him/cut the chord. She actually said for the past three years…her birthday wish was that I leave him for forever.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      E, thank you for sharing your story here. It sounds like your daughter has not been impacted as much as some children can be when one parent is a narcissist. The difference is that children do not have the same ‘bond’ to a narcissist like in an intimate relationship, so the emotional ‘bond’ would be different, and in some cases, children can be the ‘outside person’ looking in onto their parents ‘interaction / entanglement’. Have you considered HG’s Assistance Package (you can find these in The Knowledge Vault)? Maybe your daughter can help / learn with you (it would also safe-guard her in her future relationships with other people)? Good to read your comment 🙂

  2. BC30 says:

    “Remaining with someone who keeps abusing you and thinking it will change.” — HG

    “Ain’t that the truth.” — BC30

  3. Joa says:

    Good and bad are intertwined.

    I expect more good from a wise psychopath than from a mindlessly living man.

    Empaths can also generate evil. Empathy this is not holy without blemish.

    Being silent about the bad things, that I know the narcissists around me are doing, am I good or bad? Are the thousands of people, who know or guess this and keep silent, is good or bad?

    I can only be responsible for myself. Try my best. And it doesn’t always work out anyway.

    Sometimes repairing one breaks down the other. Sometimes, by focusing on one, you neglect the other. Sometimes you hurt when you don’t want to. Sometimes the good will hurt more than the bad.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Joa, interesting ‘concept’ RE: your last paragraph.

      1. Joa says:

        Asp Emp, in the devaluation “my N” has always tried to bring out of me the evil face (which every human has).

        The more he pushed, the more “good” I was.

        I know what he needed it for and I know how it worked.

        By doing (to him) on purpose, was I good or bad?

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Joa, are you asking me for an answer to your question? I would suggest, in honesty, in my view, it was good of you but this is based on pre-HG-education. Bad if you continue during-HG-education. Yet, in my case, I used my own empath grenades without knowing what they were until I came here.

  4. k mac says:

    But you will not die without fuel. You will not cease to exist. You could do it. If anyone could it would be you. The question is would you want to?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Wrong, we would cease to exist without fuel.

      1. k mac says:

        When you were a child you had a personality that was yours right? Likes and dislikes before your narcissism formed? There must be things that are uniquely you that can sustain you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The personality was still in a formative state. Fuel and control are the things which sustain me.

      2. A Victor says:

        HG, would you cease to exist as you are, going into a state of insanity? That is what I have understood it to mean, and that you would lose the ability to acquire what you need to keep going once the insanity would set in.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I would not go insane.

          1. A Victor says:

            Oh good. Can you tell us how you would cease to exist? Would you actually die?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            The construct would collapse.

          3. A Victor says:

            Yes, but then the narcissism would be gone and the child, the original person, would be back. So, it could happen, except that the narcissism won’t allow it? So it’s literally the narcissism that would cease to exist leaving the child? Thank you for the replies!

          4. Asp Emp says:

            ‘The Creature’ article explains it very well. HG explains in there what would happen.

          5. A Victor says:

            Thank you Asp Emp, I will revisit it.

          6. A Victor says:

            I feel like this has to do with why they can’t change. The self protection will not allow it. Reading The Creature again later today.

          7. A Victor says:

            Thank you, you are correct, I had forgotten. Maybe now it will stick. 🙂

          8. A Victor says:

            Fucking heartbreaking.

          9. Asp Emp says:

            This article helped me to understand more about myself and that is how I responded to it. I can understand your response to it. But don’t let it rule your ET 🙂

          10. A Victor says:

            Okay. Thanks.

          11. WhoCares says:

            “I would not go insane.”

            What’s your definition of insanity, HG?

          12. HG Tudor says:

            Remaining with someone who keeps abusing you and thinking it will change.

          13. A Victor says:

            So in your mind, we’re all insane, except for those who escape. Interesting.

  5. Louisa says:

    Having ravaged the mind and hearts and complete emotional entrails he gleamed with great satisfaction at the remains of the meal lying barely recognisable a totally debased carcass of what was a high quality sumptuous tasty repast full of delightful tender pieces presented in the most delicious and appetising manner.
    The Pretty well dressed confused Lady Dinner sits aghast as she has barely eaten at all for many days waiting to be honoured and invited to dine with this very ‘Special Man.’
    He ate ravenously, unthinking and leaving her nothing to quash her starvation pangs. ‘Next Course Please and Make it Quick’
    My Narcissist is an insatiable Monster.

    1. BlackGuard says:

      The gleaming was from CandleLight as it flickered, lighting the table in an otherwise dark room. The meal that was made was not the real feast. The meal was mere food, tasty and satisfying, yet of fleeting materiality.

      The real feast was the sparkling springwater in the glass at his elbow, of which he drank yet thought little of. The springwater sourced from an underground wellspring ever replenished and restored, bubbling to the earth’s surface, calm, clean and pure.

      How did this wellspring come to be? Legend has it a maiden sunk her heel into the dirt in which a valiant knight had stood. Into that sunken clot, angel’s tears were shed. Hades though entombed, was refreshed by the teardrops and responded with undue might, as he will evermore.

  6. Thought provoking.

    Many starving people – do not eat family members or others to survive. It is thought after the last, great, almost human extinction – people actually came together to rebuild.

    Killing an animal for food. I eat meat – therefore I facilitate this almost daily – do I not? I would consider it hypocritical to question killing an animal to survive.

    Can we justify one thing on the basis of a ‘what if senerio?’

    Two thugs breaking into a home and beating the occupier to take what they had?

    or

    A homeless man stealing food.

    Can either be justified by the arguement – ‘you would do far worse?’

    Is it – a straw man – Red herring – slippery slope fallacy – arguement?

    What becomes a requirement of survival? What evidence do you base this on?

    It is late and I need my bed – I may have more thoughts. Great conversation starter btw 😉

    1. Asp Emp says:

      PAWA, interesting to read your thoughts and considerations. Humans have evolved since the first human walked the earth so to speak. They originally would have used their primal instincts to survive – it would not necessarily have registered as a thought ‘I must kill this animal to eat / survive’ it would have been instinctual and only when they were hungry. So, it would be physical leading to the brain before the message goes to the ‘instincts’. But now, some people may think ‘Do I really need this animal to eat?’ and do some considerations and look for other ‘options’ (sometimes there may be no other ‘options’ if the environment is not ‘providing’ ie a desert), some people still do it instinctively because of lack of empathy?

    2. Azurite says:

      Until you’ve been in a starving situation, you don’t know what you would do. Unfortunately, I cannot say with complete confidence what I would do. The fight for survival is hardwired into us, driving us.
      Obtaining positive fuel doesn’t hurt anyone. You could build an orchard around yourself off people who admire you and show their adoration. You can take a daily stroll through your orchard, picking positive fruit/fuel.
      However, purposely burning a tree in your orchard, just to watch it burn (negative fuel) is not right, HG. It’s not right if there is a plentiful supply of fruit trees, ready to provide you with daily sustenance. That is cruelty.

  7. Azurite says:

    Well … you’re not killing anyone.
    Starvation changes people. feeding (obtaining your fuel) a little here and there is much better than putting oneself into a situation where there is starvation.

  8. Kris Murphy says:

    Ah, HG Tudor. I appreciate the lessons and abhor it at the same time. You don’t know me. I AM a survivor. And am empath. On the run for my LIFE from an ULTRA that even you would admire. 6 months not only no contact, being stalked without LEO protection (he is much older than you, more savvy and more connected in the community), AND I have a traumatic brain injury. I once was an intelligent, highly paid woman (talk about characteristics and residual gains), but then I was broken. Man that sucks! You could learn so much from PT Barnum (what I refer my abuser).

    This particular article so hits home. You have no idea how I lived now what I provided to that household prior to my injury. Nor the tactics he used while I had an intact brain. The hell I was put through after my injury until escape or death were the only options. Yet NOBODY believed me. Yet I can’t even sell plasma because of my TBI. But no. I will die of starvation before I will steal from another. Unlike him who fraudulently abused my 23 year old son’s (fortunately not HIS son’s) credit card! Thanks would rather die with my INTEGRITY intact. And I also am a survivor of childhood trauma. 5 generations and counting in fact. Not making this statement to say one of us is better than the other. Simply putting a different perspective out there before he gets me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He is not an ultra.

  9. Asp Emp says:

    “I am a good man who is having to do a bad job. Yes?”….absolutely. Whether consciously or not consciously aware, yet instinctively, we all have a need to survive. And these days that need for survival is somewhat more precarious than it has been in history.

    HG, your work gets better at delivering the message – know and understand narcissism. No-one can do this better than you.

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