The Errors of the Ignorant : Number One

Just love him as much as you can and it will work out.

A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

It is a common response by those who fail to recognise our kind and also have no understanding of what we are and how we operate to tell the bewildered victim that the cure to our odd and unpleasant behaviour is to shower us with love.

Note that here the timing is important. We are devaluing you and therefore you are already on that slippery slope towards dis – engagement.

If, as someone who has been ensnared by one of our kind, you turn to somebody who is empathic for advice to understand what is going on, you will fall foul of their empathic trait of being a love devotee. This belief in the power of love, whilst a good trait in itself, is corrupted to become a burden when it is added to the equation with our kind. This near slavish belief in the fact that love will conquer all ills and overcome all problems results in an understandable, albeit misguided, injunction to apply more love to the problem with the narcissist.

It is not going to work. It is too late.

This is suggested most often with regard to the romantic dynamic between victim and narcissist. The advisor fails to recognise that the temper tantrums, the silent treatments and the name-calling, amongst so much else, are manifestations of the ignited fury of a wounded narcissist and instead attribute them to something else – it does not matter what the chosen descriptions might be because they are wrong. This means that the advisor fails to identify that the victim is in the grip of a narcissist in this romantic entanglement. They also fail to recognise what this means in terms of behaviour and as a consequence they see the application of love as a panacea which will cure all ills. This does not work with our kind.

There is no issue in providing us with more and more love during the golden period. Indeed, this is what we want and as a consequence of that approach you provide us with plenty of positive fuel. All is well. Of course, your confusion and bewilderment begins when we start to devalue you and you cannot understand why it is happening. Thus, you turn to someone else, some advisor, to try to gain answers for these unfathomable behaviours, volte faces and about turns.

The devaluation may occur for several reasons, when in the romantic dynamic between narcissist and Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) but in the majority of cases it is because of the failure by the IPPS to maintain fuel at the right level of frequency, quantity and potency.

If you love us more and therefore provide us with more positive fuel during devaluation then there are several outcomes which can occur, but ultimately they all arrive at the same place; failure.

  1. If the problem was that your positive fuel was not stale but you were not providing it as often and as in the quantities we wanted, then an extra push of loving behaviour from you will remedy the problem BUT only for a short while. You will be granted a Respite Period by the narcissist as your positive fuel shines once again and the golden period returns. This may last for a few weeks, perhaps months, but it will ultimately result in your finding yourself in the place detailed at point three below;
  2. If the drop off in your positive fuel was caused by quantity and frequency issues, then devaluation has begun and there is a risk that we have begun the process of engaging with finding your replacement. Dependent on how advanced those searches are and how effective the prospective replacements are responding, even though you increase the frequency and quantity it may not be enough to save you from continuing devaluation, because of the interaction with one or more Candidate Intimate Partner Secondary Sources. Thus, loving us all the more does not work and your devaluation continues;
  3. The problem may not be the frequency and/or quantity but the level of potency. We have, in essence, had too much of a good thing and our familiarity to your potent positive fuel means it has lost its allure. Consequently, by trying to give us more of something we have become ‘sickened’ to, is not going to work. It is like someone becoming tired of strawberry ice cream and you turning up with a huge tub of strawberry ice cream. You will not stop the devaluation. Even if you managed to secure a Respite Period (see one above) eventually the familiarity issue will appear and you will find yourself in a situation where the potency no longer is effective, no matter how hard you try to love us and show that that love and devaluation will continue.

The consequences of this is that advising somebody to continue to love and to show even more love for us are:-

  1. The creation of a false hope that the perplexing behaviour we engage in will end;
  2. Victims will remain in an abusive and misery-inducing relationship for longer than they need to;
  3. Exposure to potential harm – whether it is the physically explosive response of a Lesser Narcissist through to the enduring mind games and psychological torture of coupling with a Greater Narcissist. The risk is increased of some form of harm – sexual, physical, psychological and/or financial arising;
  4. A complete erosion of the victim as they keep giving and giving of themselves, spurred on by this apparent authority that love will provide them with the answer to the issue and make it all good;
  5. A further false hope whereby if a Respite Period has arisen, the victim is conned into thinking that this increased loving has been successful, when in actual fact all it has done is secure a stay of execution and most likely made the eventual resumption of the devaluation all the harder to endure;
  6. The pollution of the victim. At some point the victim will be dis – engaged with and the failure of this apparent panacea of applying increased loving runs the risk of creating cynicism so that the victim feels unable to and/or unwilling to ever try to love anybody else again in a romantic sense.

This advice provided by somebody who is ignorant about what we are is tantamount to saying to somebody, “Stay in the burning house because eventually the fire will stop and you will then be okay.”

If you are in the romantic dynamic with our kind, all the continued provision of your love when the devaluation has already commencedwill achieve is to cause you to be bound to us and it signals to us that there is more negative fuel to be drawn from you because of your desperation to remain with us and to try to apply love to cure a situation which has now become one which cannot be cured.

10 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant : Number One

  1. Alison says:

    A couple of weeks ago, my psychiatrist, noticing that I’ve been increasingly anxious and “off” so to speak, suggested sitting down with my husband and talking through our problems. I immediately answered that just wasn’t going to work. He then told me how negative my thinking was and how that was most likely what was causing the problems in the relationship. Since negative thinking was a sure fire sign that I’m depressed, he proceeded to prescribe more medication that only makes me feel worse. I just don’t understand how it’s even possible to get a medical degree and practice psychiatry without having any real understanding of narcissism, especially since it is so prevalent.

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Alison,

      This comment worries me quite a lot. If your psychiatrist believes that the problem is negative thinking linked to depression then he will continue to treat in line with this theory.

      Upping your meds and you feeling worse is highly concerning.

      Are you able to change your psychiatrist to one who specialises in Cluster B? You need a doctor who better understands your situation and who can support you accordingly either with or without medication. You might well be depressed, you might well need medication to help but pointing the finger at negative thinking being the problem rather than at the source of the problem (the narcissist) can’t be conducive to formulating an accurate treatment plan.

      Maybe a little bit of research into alternative psychiatrists in your area might help?

      Xx

      1. Alison says:

        I’m trying to find better alternatives, but my options are limited due to my insurance, and a lot of psychiatrists in my area aren’t seeing new patients because of increased demand caused by anxiety due to COVID restrictions.

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Hey Alison,

          That’s good to hear. Frustrating for you at the same time I imagine. Insurance in the US can be a real pain to navigate, it’s likely no better now than it was when I left.

          I wonder if your own GP might be able to assist you in terms of reviewing your meds etc? If he / she knows you better, and you feel more comfortable discussing matters with your GP, they might be able to offer some additional insight / guidance. Also your NDC, think about the abusive behaviours HG listed for you and communicate those to your psychiatrist / doctor. Point out that these are abusive behaviours, provide examples of those behaviours as HG does when he explains the narcissist school and cadre.

          Your original comment concerned me because, when we get to a point where we feel so low and confused, it’s difficult sometimes to stand up for ourselves and stick with the logic that HG points out to us. Keep pushing Alison, keep sticking up for yourself and find the right treatment plan that works for you.

          I’m sure HG could advise a helpful approach to take with your psychiatrist / doctor, if you are in a position to consult with him.

          I’m glad you are looking into it Alison. 😊

          Xx

  2. A Victor says:

    This one always reminds me that as much as I put the crown over my ex’s head, for him to rise up into, he could not do it, his narcissism had other ideas. Likewise, as much as the narcissists in my life tried to crush me, they were equally unsuccessful, over time, since my empathic nature will not allow me to be beaten down permanently.

  3. Janet Baldocchi says:

    No one really wants to admit “I’ve failed” and many friends or family don’t want to see one fail. But to be condemned to failure is far worse. Walking away is a life saver.

  4. CoD2Free says:

    HG – you are just incredible in your ability to communicate – phenom! Despite all your teachings (and me re-reviewing the information) I can’t get my head around this next part – I have had the left front tire on my care ‘accidently’ punctured by a nail 4 x in 6 mos- the dscnt tire place says “purposeful action probable” —
    How is this — can a narcissist act eg puncture a tire and not know they did it? I know you are big enough to take an action and admit it — but when you say they are an unaware narcissist — what exactly are they unaware of? I get they may not know the microaggressions they commit – but what about a tire puncture or slashing — do they not know?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have explained this many times, I recommend you continue to read my work here and you will find articles that explain this. If you want a detailed explanation direct from me, please organise a consultation.

  5. Shandaa says:

    Very much on point; thank you for sharing this because a lot of people do not really know what a narcissistic is and what they are capable of during to your life. Stop giving advices to others when you don’t truly understand.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Salient observation.

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