You Wear Guilt
You wear guilt like a noose around your neck. There it hangs, just waiting to be yanked by me and the tightening ligature around that slender neck will bring you back into line. I can then allow the noose to hang about your neck once again, ready to be used as soon as I decide that it is necessary. You do not even try to remove this noose, you would, of course feel guilty if you tried to do so and as a consequence it will always remain with you, on you and about you.
There is no slow squeezing when this noose is called into action. It is immediate, painful and chastising. It allows the sudden and instant exertion of control. What better way than to achieve this than relying on something that is intrinsic to another person. This noose burns, it constricts and it chokes and you know that it is not going to go anywhere. The only way to deal with it is to comply and then the noose will slacken but it will not grant you release.
You have carried this noose for a very long time. Once upon a time it was only a few strands thick, yet for all of that apparent fragility, it could not be cut nor broken, neither snapped or torn. As time went on, the strands multiplied so that the thickness increased until now it hangs about you, sturdy and effective. Nobody else wove those additional strands into it. You did. You brought it all on yourself because of the twisted delight you have to wear this noose. You regard it as an obligation. It is part of who you are and whilst the pain it causes you is something that you would prefer not to have to suffer, you know that when it makes you suffer, you gain comfort from its presence and effect.
You know that not everybody has such a noose. There are those who do not even have one. You wonder often what that must be like. Not to have the yoke about you which weighs you down, restricts you and governs you. What must such freedom feel like? Then there are those who have such a noose but they seem to be able to lift it off and leave it behind when it suits them. Others still find that the noose is weak and it snaps apart when it seeks to apply pressure against its wearer. No such release for you.
This is the noose that has you always compliant. Sometimes you fight against it, hoping that you might perhaps once, just once, be able to exert such strength that causes it to break, but it never happens. No matter what resistance you exhibit or how much you strain to tear it apart, you fail and have no choice other than to comply so that the pain recedes. It leaves its mark about you. There is no doubt about it. Even though the searing pain may have lessened, you can feel that tight grip still and you know that others can see where it has left its mark. Not all have this ability to recognise the mark of the noose, but a certain group do and they always want to exploit its presence. Oh there have been times when you have sought to hide this noose, mask its presence in the hope that you escape the attention of those who recognise it. Even if you manage to conceal the noose, the mark that it has left about your neck is like an indelible stain. You cannot remove it and it is the stamp that tells those who know these things that you carry such a noose.
You may not realise that it is you who has added those additional strands over the years, causing the noose to thicken and strengthen. Those strands are bound together, layer upon layer, wound about one another, so that they become more than the sum of their parts. The strands which are fashioned from your pervasive, deep-seated guilt, are added to because of those things which you say and do. Each time you think a certain way, which you cannot help but do because of who and what you are, another strand is added, then another, until soon the noose becomes thick and heavy. Each time you think the following
It is my fault; I did not listen.
I need to do more to help.
He cannot help it.
I need to ensure I understand.
If only I could be stronger.
If only I knew what to do.
I should be getting home; he will wonder where I am.
I should not be doing this.
I should not speak ill of him really; he is my husband.
I should not think these things, I do love him, I just feel so weak and this is when I have these thoughts.
I ought to have realised.
I must listen more.
I have to keep trying.
I owe it to him to help.
He isn’t as bad as people say.
If I just keep going it will become better.
I have to try because if I don’t, who will be there for him.
It is my duty.
I made my vows and I shall abide by them.
I must be doing something wrong to make him feel like this.
I just seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
These thoughts and words, plus many more, cause the noose to become stronger. Thus it tightens and I yank it, pulling you in my direction so that you remain under my control, bound by this guilt to serve, to support and to fuel. An ever present burden which you add to yourself each and every day. A method by which you are manipulated, cajoled and coerced to fulfil my needs.
This noose is not there to hang you. No, there is no desire to bring about your demise. You are more effective to us functioning. Your guilt will not bring about your end, but instead it acts to maintain your imprisonment.
You make the noose grow.
I make the noose control you.
Can it be escaped? We think not. It is for life. Even though it may not tighten or constrict for some time, even years, it is always there and with the mark so prominent, another may come and utilise the control that the noose affords even though we may not be able to.
We will not lift it. It matters too greatly to us.
We will not lift it because it is your burden, perpetuated by you.
But it can be lifted. It is not simple or straightforward and we ensure we do not allow you the opportunity to address this chance to relieve yourself of this noose of guilt. It can be done. It is quite the task to achieve but for you, that journey begins by answering one question.
Who put it there in the first place?
21 thoughts on “You Wear Guilt”
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So, having established that I put it (the noose) there in the first place, and that I continue to add to it, how do I get rid of it?
JB, great question! One I have been meaning to ask also!
Thanks AV!
HG, I hope you don’t mind me asking again, but I am genuinely wanting to know; how does one get rid of this noose? I realised a little while back that this was the case with me, that I myself had been the one who had applied (and who continues to apply) the handcuffs (so to speak), but it doesn’t change the fact that that guilt still remains, I just now also feel pissed off with myself for being like this! Can I ask, is there a way to lift it, even if just temporarily?
JB, the ‘noose’ is all psychological (mental and emotional). I would suggest that it cannot be removed temporarily. I would suggest that the approach to removing that ‘noose’ is to apply a different way of looking and feeling about that ‘noose’ by asking yourself why are you thinking like that? Which narcissist(s) of your past is this ‘noose’ “connected” to? Why are you permitting your emotional thinking to suggest that the ‘noose’ is still present? Are you still under the influence (ie entangled / ensnared with any) of any narcissists in your present life? Don’t feel you have to reply to my comment, JB 🙂
He asks the question at the very end, and with finding that answer its how you get rid of it. Once you see who was the first that made you feel guilty for (it can be a plethora of things), the release begins. SPOILER ALERT: it´s usually one of the parents…
JB, consider this, your comment = emotional thinking. You did not put on the noose of guilt around your neck = logical thinking. By suggesting that you continue to add to it, what makes you think that?
Asp Emp,
I know it’s certain thoughts which add to the guilt noose, which then hold me back and stop me living my life to the full. I realise now, from being here, that those thoughts have originated from past conditioning (my upbringing). More recently, I am acknowledging the thoughts, but then trying to just ignore them, so as not to let them hold me back, but the feeling still remains under the surface. It’s that part which I am unsure how to get rid of really.
JB, so sorry that I did not see your response sooner 🙂 Since it has been a number of weeks when you wrote your words here, “but the feeling still remains under the surface”, where would you suggest your way of thinking / feeling is now?
Extracted from a comment I sent recently “By repeating the LT ‘activation’ in regard to the similar LOCEs, the ET level does go down. Practice makes ALMOST perfect and that is acceptable, because the addiction to narcissism within people cannot be eradicated.”
Again, apologies for late response 🙂
I’ve just recently started to follow you. It is very frightening and so real to read these articles from the other perspective. Really opens my eyes to how much sickness there is on both ends.
Welcome on board.
Hi Sue, thank you for your comment. You recognized something quickly that it took me a while to see, that being the sickness I also have, to accept the behavior and treatment of narcissists. It is a real thing. I am glad that HG doesn’t come straight at it, he allows us to figure it out, or we would have the same that we get elsewhere, from often well-intentioned people who do not understand narcissism. And we would continue to accept guilt and think it is our fault. He’s a genius in doing it this way.
Dear HG,
since HG’s works have existed, many nooses can be removed. Like mine.
You are the greatest analyst and writer in the world.
Such a gift, and such a talent as a writer!
Thank you.
https://narcsite.com/2019/01/31/you-wear-guilt-9/#comment-243273
Loved it! “spiked dog collar”. Yes! I can just imagine……laughing……
HG,
It was me who started the construct of the noose around my neck, each layer was added as I got punished for yet another incident I didn’t do….as a child, it was my mother who dished out the punishment and sometimes she would convince my dad to do it for her. She would convince him I deserved it and I couldn’t understand how to correct a behavior I didn’t even do. The guilt of feeling like I must be a bad person to be punished. I carried that feeling into my adulthood with my first marriage. I allowed years of emotional, mental and physical abuse from him. Why? Because I felt like I was a bad person, I must be. Why else am I being punished? I grew up with it. I didn’t know how to live without it. Life felt off without it. It was a part of my life, this guilt and punishment. It was like air, water and food. I felt I needed it to feel like I was home again. It was almost comforting in a f***ed up way. I’m glad I left my ex-husband and I’m glad I found I’m more than my guilt and I can live without punishment.
Hi Rebecca, every time I’ve read your comment I’ve wanted to say that I did not start the noose around my neck as a child. My mother, and then later my dad, put that noose around our necks and stifled the fucking life out of us. Just about anyway. And she will still do so if I allow it. But I don’t any more, now that I know what’s happening. It’s just too bad that for all my life up until the last 18 months or so I did allow it. There are moments when I wish I didn’t have to know about narcissism, didn’t have to know about the darkness in the world, or that there are bad people. Then I think about the change in me toward her and others when they have bad behavior, and I am very thankful to know.
AV,
I’m very grateful that HG taught me how to spot narcissists, their behaviors ,why they do what they do, how to avoid them and how to deal with them. HG’s works has helped me dodge two narcissists at work this year already, and as of this month, it’s been 6 months since I talked to the LMRsomatic. It’s a nice anniversary for me. Hoping for another 6 months.
Oh Rebecca! I’m so happy for you! That’s exciting! You sound so positive, I’m very happy for you!
Thanks AV,
I am much happier now. Thanks to HG, you and others from the blog here for guidance and continued support and knowledge. 😁❤
AV,
I wanted to respond to your comment about how you said, ” I wish I never had to learn about narcissism, didn’t have to know about the darkness in the world, or that there are bad people” I also feel this way sometimes, in fact, my life is now two halves, my life before meeting the LMRSomatic and my life after meeting him….my eyes are open now, I can’t unsee what I went through and I can’t forget it either. I think about my life before him and how different I was, it’s almost like the innocence of childhood and my life after childhood. I sometimes still get mad at myself for being so naive, but I’m not naive now and I’m not the same. There’s a part of me now that I don’t even understand. A part that’s awake and aware. It can’t go back to sleep and I’m not sure what it’s all about. It’s a mystery to me.
Always grateful for your insights H.G.🥰