Delivered by God

 

DELIVERED-BY-GOD

In one exchange with hissy fit Hannah, she of the perfectly poised potty mouth, I was blundering my way through the Madness of King George and my off kilter timing was causing her to explode once again. Her script had been thrown to the ground and the papers lay scattered.

She was ramrod stiff and her tiny feet seemed nailed to the floor as they did not move. Instead, she seemed to move only from the ankle, the rest of her body in perfect alignment as she jolted from side to side. Her caustic tongue went into over time and I stood with a false perplexed look on my face conveying that I was mystified as to what was causing her such concern.

“You do this on purpose don’t you?” she accused. Those small round brown eyes glinted with the fury that coursed through her. I must admit, other than my own rage, I do not think that anybody who I have ever met has come anywhere near to the seething outrage that Hannah used to feel.

Were it not for her magnanimous nature and her ability to take an interest in people you might have thought that she was one of my kind. She was very good at making people feel wanted. Notwithstanding her degree of fame, she made time for people and welcomed listening to them and asking about them. She actually preferred for people to talk about themselves rather her having to speak about herself. She took pride in the calibre of her performance, enjoyed the decent money she commanded as well but ultimately it was all about the performance. Something I could identify with.

“It is not difficult to do HG, it really is not,” she ranted “You used to be so damn good at doing this, much like everything else in our relationship. I don’t know what has happened to you, but you seem to have lost your sense of purpose. I admired you because you tackle everything head on and you are usually brilliant at everything you turn your hand to, but I am beginning to wonder if your power has peaked. Are you losing it? This is shambolic, you are useless, absolutely useless.”

She then descended into combining a thesaurus with profanity as she found every synonym she could for incompetence and interspersed these descriptions with a heavy serving of swear words. Her breath was coming in staccato bursts as she built herself into a frenzy, her cheeks reddening as her voice rose and rose.

“I really do have to ask, for what purpose God put you on this earth?”

Finally she stopped and she held my gaze. I could feel the fire ignite inside me as for once she had created the spark. The flames leapt into life, the heat surging upwards through me. She had questioned my purpose. She was challenging my existence. Who did she think she was? My eyes narrowed as I savoured the vitriol that now pumped through my body, the rising malice giving me power and reminding me that I am the supreme authority and she is but dust on the wind. Already the schemes of manipulation flickered through my racing my mind like a thousand screens showing trailers for the malevolence that would be unleashed on this thespian for her audacity in questioning my purpose.

I felt the words form in my throat and the anger came soaring with them as I strode up to her. She remained defiant, still in that strange stiff pose and she did not shirk despite the clear intent signalled by my rapid walk towards her. I thrust my face into hers, eyeball to eyeball and with incandescent rage burning through me I yelled into her face,

“I was invented by God to test your belief in him.”

She blinked once and then again. The edifice immediately cracked and came crashing down as she let out a howl of upset and her eyes filled with tears.

Nobody does rage like me.

Nobody delivers the final line like me.

Nobody questions my purpose.

32 thoughts on “Delivered by God

  1. Joa says:

    I cannot understand this post.

    I don’t understand, why Hannah started to cry? How is it possible to jump from such extreme emotions? From rage to submissive crying?

    I would understand, if she laughed hysterically.

    I would understand, if she kicked the wardrobe, broke 10 plates, left slamming the door, making the house shake.

    I would understand, if she disregarded and walked away with dignity.

    Crying is a very strange reaction for me in such a situation. Crying is only reserved for great grief.

    But the most surprising thing is the transition directly from being angry to crying.

    And it is in front of the man…

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Joa, 7th paragraph on this article “I could feel the fire ignite inside me as for once she had created the spark” (the word ‘once’ is used here).

      Maybe, it was the first time Hannah got to see HG’s pure and unadulterated fury and she was not expecting that?

      1. Joa says:

        Asp Emp, maybe.
        The first time can be difficult.

      2. Patricia N says:

        Ask Emp, I thought it might have been something like that, too – that she could suddenly see the total blackness and malice that he normally keeps behind the mask.

        I’d have been terrified and in tears too, but then in addition to the malice, I absolutely hate raised voices or anyone shouting at me. I used to work with somebody who had a very, very loud speaking voice; and it affected me so badly that he and everyone in the office thought I hated him. I didn’t at all, but whenever he was talking to me, I just couldn’t help cutting conversations as short as I could, just to stop the loudness.

        1. njfilly says:

          Hi Patricia,

          Your comment made me realize something. I can be around loud voices and it doesn’t bother me, but loud noises do, and I startle very easily. I used to have difficulty waking up to an alarm clock because it would scare me so badly that I would begin to shake uncontrollably and it would not subside for about 30 minutes. Then we had clock radios which is a softer way to wake up. Now my phone alarm is soft but loud noises make me jump and I am very prone to shaking. A person can walk into the room and simply say hello and I get startled.

          Also, my father’s loud voice effects me. I can detect it a mile away, as well as distinguish it from any other loud voices that don’t bother me. I can’t stand to hear his loud voice, even if he is yelling at the dog, or TV news, whatever. It makes me tremble and I can’t stand it!

    2. njfilly says:

      Joa,

      I have always wondered the same thing. Why cry over this? Do you think she was afraid?

      I have to admit when I read this, the thought of him getting in my face and yelling at me seems exhilarating, exciting, and passionate! I read the end of this article sometimes just to be aroused by the passion I can feel from his anger. (Not sexually aroused, rather an emotional arousal). I long for a man who has anger in him and knows how to express it. A man who has no anger, and no passion, is not the man for me.

      I also sometimes yell, either due to anger or simply passion. I want a passionate interaction such as this. I sometimes can’t handle peace and calm all the time. If I am in a relationship that is too peaceful, or there are never any passionate emotions, I can’t even handle it. I will do something to create some passion and drama, or I will be angry about the lack of it. Then I will yell and cause drama due to my need for this passion.

      I know anger can be toxic and unhealthy, but I also view it as normal and I want to express it and have it expressed toward me. I would not want to be in a relationship where there is never any anger. For me, relationships are about challenges and emotions! If not, why bother being in one? Similar to a narcissists need for drama and fuel, I supposed. My addiction to narcissists at play?

      I wouldn’t want to be physically attacked, however. Nor would I never want any peaceful moments.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        njfilly, wow. Interesting comment 🙂 Understandable too 🙂

        1. njfilly says:

          Yes, I decided to be honest and confess how this article makes me feel. It’s only this article, though.

      2. Joa says:

        njfilly, your speech is very important to me. I identify in 99%. I’m almost identical. Yes, I also need a drama. It was for this reason that I knew, that I had to raise the child myself. I know myself perfectly and I know what reactions I provoke and what I miss. I wouldn’t have stopped it, if there was a man next to me. I always knew, that I was choosing a specific type of men (I didn’t know the concept of narcissism at the time). I didn’t want my daughter to have a childhood similar to mine.

        And honestly, I still haven’t said NO to narcissism. I guess I will never say. I only said BREAK. When my daughter will be safe and absorbed in her life… IT is stronger than me.

        There is only one difference between us. I feel both emotional excitement (tremendous!) and sexual arousal (tremendous!). Bringing to extreme emotions (of various kinds) and passionate sex are my specialty. I guess there is nothing to brag about… 😊 Regrettable in principle, but I will not change it anymore.

        Writing, what reactions Hannah I would understand, I still had one more reaction in the back of my head, although I decided to hide it… I guess I’m still ashamed to write honestly what I would do in this situation, ha ha ha 😊 This is the only situation in which I could show temporary submission/domination (differently – depending on the reaction of the other person, sometimes quick changes).

        In fact, it was enough for me to read what you wrote njfilly, in combination with the interaction described by HG, to make me feel this devilish desire 😊 I want to fucking rolling and wallow! Ha ha ha 😊

        Physical attack – depends on what type, in what situation and with whom. I allow a certain margin.

        Whew, and now I’m back to work. Constans Joa, constans…

        1. njfilly says:

          Ha ha! Oh, Joa, you wild woman you!
          Perhaps I should clarify. When I said not a sexual arousal, I meant that this article does not physically sexually arouse me, but the situation would be and is sexually arousing to me. (Although if I thought about it and dwelled on it, I would be aroused!)
          I do need this intensity in my sexual interactions as well. When I first came to the blog in approx. June 2019 the first comments, I began writing were about my sexuality. I need a dominant/submissive relationship as well. The problem being that I want a dominant man, yet I am very dominant myself, so it is difficult to find. When I look back on my relationships, they were mostly empaths or normals, with narcissists scattered throughout whom I would date short term, or simply as sex partners. My last boyfriend where it ended in Jan. 2019 was clearly a MRN as that was the most dysfunctional relationship I had ever been in, and it stands out as being unstable.
          I also allow a margin of physical attack (to use your words) and in exactly the same way in that it depends on the means, the circumstance, the person, the intensity, etc. It’s not anything I can really identify, anticipate, or explain. It is the feeling within the interaction. I don’t want to be abused, but I need to be treated a little rough because I can’t handle constant softness and gentleness. I know this may sound bizarre to outsiders, but it seems you understand.
          I don’t think I will change either. I have come to understand through consultations with HG Tudor that this is the manifestation of my addiction to narcissists. Perhaps you realize this. I can’t handle submissive men. I don’t even want to be around them. It angers me. I do want a deep connection with a man, yet at the same time I am unable to connect with men other than sexually. I started having sex very young, and most of my adolescence and young adult years were spent having meaningless sex. Even though I have been in relationships, eventually I become bored, and I have to move on. When the excitement of the sex dies out, I need to find a new partner. I always knew this was dysfunctional, but I never knew why I was like this.
          I have a hard time dating the normal way. In late 2020 I attempted it to see how I would react. I purposely went on a few dates with men I would never have chosen in the past. I did not expect it to turn into a relationship, it was more a personal experiment with myself. It proved how difficult this is for me. When we are in the “getting to know each other” phase and he starts talking about his likes, and his job, and his hobbies, blah blah blah, my eyes start to glaze over. I can’t handle it. I think to myself, just get to the point. How are you going to do me, where are you going to do me, when are you going to do me? (“Do me” refers to having sex in case there is a language barrier!).
          I don’t know if you are familiar with the songs of George Michael. He has one song called “Fast Love”. This is the song of my life. A part of the lyrics; “Looking for some education, Made my way into the night. All that bullshit conversation, baby can’t you read the signs? I won’t bore you with the details baby, I don’t even wanna waste your time. Let’s just say that maybe, You could help to ease my mind” This is the way I feel when I try to date the “normal” way.

          1. k mac says:

            Nifilly,
            That doesn’t sound bizarre at all. I can relate. If sex didn’t turn me into a stage 5 clinger I probably would have done the same. I’m sure the heightened sexually has something to do with how we grew up and how we receive intimacy. I mean, I don’t know your story but that’s usually the case.

          2. njfilly says:

            k mac,
            I’m sure you’re correct.

            To quote from another comment I made: “I was like one of those feral children. Like a feral cat. Given little support or guidance, wandering the streets at a young age. Trying to learn about life by experiencing it. Molested by a neighbor before the age of 11, statutorily raped by men in my teens, doing drugs beginning at the age of 13, having sex for money in my twenties, picking up men in bars and bringing them home to have sex with them on every Friday and Saturday night when I was not in a committed relationship, smoking pot daily from about 1988 – 2018, as well as other drugs I did often.”

            Yes, all that sex early in my formative years was not good for me. It shaped my entire life and made it difficult for me to connect with people intimately. Men and women.

            In some ways I was doomed due to the molestation and sex with men in my early teens. I would have needed an adult to step in to help me, guide me, give me the proper support. Probably therapy as well. My parents are narcissists so that never happened. They weren’t even aware it was going on because they basically ignored us. They still don’t know and they never will.

          3. WhoCares says:

            NJFilly,

            This was very interesting to read. Thanks for sharing.

          4. k mac says:

            Oh Nifilly I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing that. You are definitely not doomed. Our lives can take on whatever path we want it to. My mother used to tell me I was damaged goods. I’ve always felt like a dented can of corn. I decided she was full of shit! Don’t let the past dictate your future. Don’t let them win! ❤

          5. njfilly says:

            Thanks K Mac.

            I have to laugh at the dented can of corn!! That’s so funny!

            Oh boy. Sad that your mother said that to you. I’m glad you realized she was full of shit!

            I appreciate your encouraging words, but I want to assure you, I have much happiness in my life. I mean doomed only when it comes to a real connection with a man (or people), but I am open to the possibility that even that can change. I look forward to the present and future. I have many interests and activities that take up my time so I don’t feel loneliness. I know I can have a great future.

            I do think about sex less and less. Of course, I am getting older too. Last time I had sex was this time last year when I was in Atlantic City and I met a man at the Hard Rock Cafe. Yes, old habits die hard.

          6. Joa says:

            njfilly, it’s different for me. I am faithful, when I love. I can count my sexual partners on the fingers of one hand.

            What I was describing was about relationship sex. This is the only sex that matters to me. Only such sex is full of passion, intensity, excitement, emotion. Only from such sex sparks fly 🙂 Only such sex can also be full of tenderness and devotion.

            I tried sex without love. A prosaic reason. I regretted it when I started, but it was necessary to finish, since I seduced the man myself and got down his pants. It was stupid. So I did, what had to be done to get him done as quickly as possible and to end this travesty of rapprochement.

            —————–

            They tell me, I’m not enjoying my life. They tell me, my body is going to waste.
            No. It’s all or nothing in love. This also applies to sex.

            I can not do otherwise 🙂

            This has both good and bad sides.

          7. Joa says:

            njfilly, I was in a hurry yesterday, I was almost falling asleep 🙂

            I forgot to highlight the most important.

            It seems we have a similar strong “instinct” and needs. We have only learned to implement them differently.

            For me – closeness, knowledge of the strengths and weaknesses of a man, allows for mental games with which I “conquer” ordinary sex to the rank of sex that suits me. Of course, you need a second player to play the game.

            This is why I only connect with Narcissists. I have the impression, that I would suppress a calm man, I would destroy him, because I would have to “squeeze” the reactions I need from him.

            I like, when a man introduces a rigor that temper me.

            For me, as a woman and mother, the most important things are my child’s respect, and social opinion. Much more important, than satisfying my physical desires and momentary whims. It also gives me a position, that makes me feel confident in life.

            You can treat me like an object. But I am only your object. I am not a toy for everyone.

            The issue of hygiene and possible diseases are additional stimuli keeping desires in check.

            Boredom – of course, it comes after some time, so mind games, pauses and returns, waves of emotions, scenes and role changes – are indispensable.

            Betrayal – no. But we can flirt with others, to stimulate each other and only for each other.

            I also like fear – I transform it into sexual arousal. But this fear also has to be based on my emotions with someone close (for me), whom I have trusted.

            If it’s a stranger – I just go into combat mode and nothing else.

            Sex with each man is completely different, as are the mixes of emotions that come together. After all, this specific, sexual cocktail is created by two people 🙂

            This is what it looks like for me. Or rather, it was like that, as long as I was in relationships 🙂

          8. Joa says:

            njfilly, I see there is no my yesterday’s post I wrote last night, almost asleep. Maybe I dreamed, that I sent it, ha ha ha 🙂 It means, that the addition added today is pointless.

            —————–

            So in short:

            I wrote, that in this respect I am different. I can count my sexual partners on the fingers of one hand.

            For me – only sex with someone I love and with whom I am in a relationship – is intense, passionate, exciting, with many colors and shades. Only from such sex sparks fly 🙂

            A long time ago, I tried sex without love. A prosaic reason + alcohol. I wanted to end it right away when we started. But it was hard to back out, when I seduced the man myself and got to his pants. It was stupid. So I did, what needed to be done to bring this sex parody to an end as soon as possible.

            I can’t, and I don’t want to. It’s just an animal, boring act. No sense. When emotions are turned off, sex is just a movement of the hips back and forth.

            —————–

            They tell me, I’m not enjoying my life. They tell me, my body is going to waste.
            Not. It’s all or nothing in love. This also applies to sex.

            There are advantages and disadvantages to this attitude.

            —————–

            I wrote something like that. I don’t remember everything 🙂

          9. Joa says:

            Oh no! Now I can see in the preview, that there are three messages waiting to be moderated by HG.

            I don’t know, how this is possible, I checked twice.

            My god, the topic of sex and I get lost right away, twisted, ha ha ha 🙂

    3. WiserNow says:

      Joa,
      The way I understand her reaction is that she was not crying like a person cries when they are sad or grieving. It was more like an emotional reaction to the shock of HG changing from looking confused and making mistakes one moment to being furious and shouting in her face the next.

      HG went right up to her face and shouted with incandescent rage. I think she was stunned by that and her anger changed in that moment so that she “let out a howl of upset and her eyes filled with tears”.

      To me, Hannah wasn’t expecting that explosion of heated fury from HG. Perhaps the shock was combined with feeling hurt too that he shouted at her at such close range. Then her previous anger and annoyance turned into upset and it caused her tears.

    4. NarcAngel says:

      Joa

      Some people emit tears not only in fear or grief but also in anger and frustration. Only HG really knows what her reaction meant in that moment because he was there and had history with her. We can only guess. Her response read to me as the frustration of someone facing the realization that no matter how much she wanted to believe the relationship COULD work (if only he’d try!), that she was staring at evidence that it would not and had a decision to make (accept control or leave). Her school and cadre likely having bearing on that.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Logical observations.

      2. k mac says:

        My thoughts Exactly Narc Angel. You articulated that perfectly.

      3. Viol. says:

        I would feel absolute despair–have felt it–when I realized that someone I thought was fighting on the same side is my foe, and not only always will be, regardless what I do, but actually been all along.

        I can be loud enough ordinarily, but that has made me withdraw emotionally and if possible, physically. Don’t know if that’s the 3rd narcy assertion of control or just the response of a wounded animal.

      4. k mac says:

        Narc Angel,
        I always say if I’m crying it isn’t because I’m sad it’s because I’m trying not to kill you. 🤣

      5. Joa says:

        NA, yes I know, that’s why I wrote: Crying is a very strange reaction for me in such a situation. Crying is only reserved for great grief.

        I feel that way. I don’t have tears from anger or frustration.

        However, appeals to me the idea, that Hannah understood at this moment, that this relationship was no longer defensible, that it was over.

        In response to NA, Viola articulated it beautifully: “I would feel absolute despair” (…). Yes, I understand it now and I am drawn to sadness…

        Thanks girls 🙂

        —————–

        HG, did you meet Hannah after this interaction? Were you together?

        —————–

        K Mac, yeah I agree, Hannah’s words were awful, terrible and below the belt. Even if she was angry, she should keep the words on the tip of her tongue and swallow them back. She shouldn’t have uttered them.

        I am proud of all the awful words I stopped in this way. Words, what I could have shouted out, but I didn’t say anything.

        And I am ashamed of the words, that I did not keep (happened especially in my youth).

        In fact, this has to be learned. Practice makes perfect.

    5. k mac says:

      Joa
      I totally would have cried too. She is wrong for saying what she said as well. She shouldn’t have said that. HG’s reaction and what he said shook me to my core. It was this very article that shifted how I see him.

    6. mollyb5 says:

      HG ..it’s scary as hell to have a male narc run towards me with eyes popping out of his sockets and grinding his teeth and spit flying the strength and wide shoulders coming toward me and the loudness of his voice in my face , gashing of his tobacco filled teeth . It’s scary as hell and I screamed and cried . And was tackled to the ground . I can not understand if you are near a real narc and you are cussing at them …..and they are taking in your insults ….this will happen . It is the scariest thing. They will strangle you if the lack control . I know

  2. Contagious says:

    Oh I love this article. It resonates. I digress. I trouble with my son HG. I spoke to you about the military. He often tells me that I am an ET thinker but I should think with my head. My son is a very compassionate boy, a loving and giving son and sibling, a leader, popular in the military but he sends me videos of his training. It involves guns, fire rockets ( he has an empty one in his room and I know he is trained to kill. He was in Iraq when bombs landed. He said his adrenaline raced but he “goes to it not away from it.” We talk in depth and he sees differences in his command. But how does a higher narc in the military effect the others below him. They can’t go no contact. War involves no contact. How does a young military man protect himself? And how does “killing “ in defense of a war dream differentiate from abuse? I have met military men definitely narcs and others not far from it like my Vietnam dad. It is confusing to me. You say to your mouthy empath, I challenge you to God. Put it in context of war. We face war now in the Ukraine. Does war create Empaths or normals to narcs? Is that possible? My feeling is no. But a normal or empath subjected to it is going to be harmed. PTSD. A narc is better suited. But are they immune?

    1. Contagious says:

      By the way, I have become addicted to an end of the day reading of your blog. I subscribed year’s ago, but I was not as invested as I got the basic drift. Now I see so much more … and my fascination lifts off! I cannot wait for your empath series. I have written a lot about dreams and met many like me. Nowhere else credible has this happened except a cold case workshop I attended once years ago and even then. I don’t think you will have answers to the 95% of an unexplored mind that scientists can’t explain not even Hawkings but you are surprisingly remarkable in providing insights into psychological fields. You are a forward thinker. I can’t wait. Thank you HG! I am a fan. I am so eager for more. And I think you will go so far!

  3. Asp Emp says:

    https://narcsite.com/2019/10/13/delivered-by-god/#comment-306461

    Family mottos. Since I read your comment, HG, I re-read into my family motto. Thought about it. I considered that, to a degree, I ‘delivered’ on my family motto.

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