Searching
You spend your time searching. Searching for the one who will fulfil that desire of complete happiness, the one who will be your match, the one who accords with being the soulmate, the one who completes you, the ying to your yang, the one who makes everything alright again. The one who will wipe away those tears of sadness and bring to you the tears of joy and elation. The one who will always be there, come hell or high water.
The one who creates that world that you have always craved. The one who chases away the shadows and keeps the wolf from the door. The one who loves you for what you are and does not seek to change you. You search for the one who wants to be with you but will not complain when there is enforced absence. The one who never forgets the important milestones in your lives but never remembers the times when matters do not quite go to plan.
The one who will ensure your memories live on in the raising of others. The one who will not turn from you but will lift you up and rely on you also. The one who will take your hand and hold it tight no matter what storms come your way. The one who wakes with you and smiles that special smile. The one who lays their lips against yours as the day ends and night engulfs the land.
The one who knows you inside out and cherishes everything you have to offer the world. The one who understands you and wants to understand you. The one who embraces your flaws and imperfections and does not use them against you. The one who looks into your eyes and desires what they see there. The one who will not judge you, will not hold your errors against you but who will hold you as the world may collapse around you and the one who will say your name with their dying breath.
You spend your time searching for a sign. An indicator that will give you the answers. Something on which you can hang hope, that imposter, in order to solve the mystery that you are now faced with. Something that will enable you to unravel the puzzle that has emerged every day and has your mind twisted, thoughts stretched and contorted. You are searching for the truth, your slavish devotion to such a concept is honourable indeed and you must find that truth and hold it high for all to see.
You must locate it and raise it up above to ensure that everybody knows of it. You must find the solution, you must identify the panacea that shall cure all these ills, for you are a fixer, a solver, a healer. You search and search for explanation, enlightenment and elucidation. You are hunting high and low for the reason to something which seems unfathomable. Your search will lead you into dead ends, frustrating cul-de-sacs and along treacherous and perilous routes where your bewilderment is only heightened.
Your search for clarity amongst the confusion appears to be never-ending. You may be blessed with an indefatigable spirit which enables you to carry way beyond the endurance of others as this search continues. There are clues, but they dance away from you like an elusive will o the wisp, leaving you blundering after it, as you are led further into the quagmire of disturbing befuddlement.
You search for the antidote to the pain that engulfs you each and every day. Some salve to soothe your fevered brow, a medicine that will numb the pain and bring the cure. You search for an end to the hurt. An end to the misery that sweeps about you, its chains heavy and rusting, making you stoop and cutting you to the core. Dragging you down with its hatred, the horror and the malevolence so you fall to your knees.
You crawl across the barren land, hands pricked from the thorns that grow across your path as wearied and beaten down you drive yourself on searching for a way out. You sob with frustration as your draining journey reveals that you have gone around in a circle and you stare with disbelieving eyes at your own handprints in the dust, realisation crashing into you that your endeavours have all been for naught.
You search for the Holy Grail that will grant you release from this torture, the answer to every question which gnaws at your terrified mind, the oil that will calm the troubled waters allowing your passage across the emotional sea to become easier allowing you to reach the promised land. You search for the key which will unlock the huge gate that looms over you, the opening of the portal that will enable you to escape this horror which surrounds you and has become woven into the tapestry of your every day. You search and search, fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp.
You search and search for a way out of the nightmare, idiots and clowns suggesting they have the route mapped out for you, but they know little or nothing, well-intentioned or otherwise they are not the ones who will be able to end your search. You search and search for the final destination that will finally grant you release. There are options which may bring this horror show to an end, the dropping of the final curtain but whilst you contemplate that, deep within you there is that will to overcome what torments you and to avoid failing and seeking that alternative exit. That way is not for you.
You must conclude your search. You must achieve it and as that truth seeker your search continues.
You wish to reach the end and it is an end which gives you the absolute truth, the clearest of answers which thus enables you to seize the power to create that which serves your needs once again.
The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light once more, a champion of perseverance and a titan of determination.
So, day after day after day, you search.
Your search ends here.
The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.
20 thoughts on “Searching”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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To take in this consecrated knowledge is to resurrect.
When I was a police officer, working domestics. I always wondered what bound two people. I’d bet every cop that’s ever been called to a domestic dispute has witnessed the narc at work.
Time after time the victims would say the same thing. He/she wasn’t always like this. Time after time I’d advise the victim he/she’s going to hurt you. Always same answer “oh that’s never going to happen ” Until it does. Until a cop is back there picking up the broken people.
I always wondered what kept them together. It was always so twisted.
Thanks to the videos and blog I have many of those questions answered.
Don’t get me wrong. In college I took as my psychology classes as possible, looking for some answers. Answers to help me better do my job. They didn’t come.
I still have a few questions unanswered. However I hope to eventually find those too.
Thank you HG Tudor. You’re explained many things. For once in my life I’m happy to be just plain normal.
You are welcome.
Is silence the best way for an empath to regain control of their life and situation?
Right now. I feel like I have no control over anything in my life and no fight left in me.
Hello Empath007,
When you ask if silence is the best way to regain control of your life and situation, it doesn’t sound like you are referring to a relationship with a narcissist (I hope not for you!). I trust that you have got rid of them and yes, silence (i.e totally ignoring them and getting them out of your head) is the best way, but you already know this.
You sound like you are losing all your energy, and if that is the case, yes – total rest and silence do help. A lot. And I mean TOTAL rest: no looking after anyone else, no work (especially no work), nothing. Try to get someone else to deal with bills/paper work/ kids – if any – the housework, everything. Ideally, try to go away for two weeks or more on your own in a quiet place to regain your energy.
That’s what I did when similar happened to me. It took more than two weeks because I waited to long in a state of exhaution before I did anything about it.
Just my two cents. Take good care of yourself, Empath007.
* too long
Empath 007,
It’s the elevated ET that is making you feel like you can’t cope and you aren’t in control. You were recently in 4 of the 5 arenas of interaction. Your ET is bound to be high.
Close down ALL the arenas of interaction. Your weakness is social media. Stay off it, it’s feeding your ET!! You can’t remain contactable for the ex narc even via Facebook. You’ll be forever waiting for a message or a comfort crumb if you do. No one can move on like that.
You know what to do. If you aren’t doing it then your ET is running the show not you. Go back to basics, concentrate on closing down the arenas and you’ll feel more in control. You can do it Empath007 so get it done!
I’m here to listen if you need to talk. Xx
Living inside a narc mind must be total hell.
Hi, Holy Grail,
I wondered, do you think that for secondary sources “potential” plays a role? I mean, unlived, painfully unseized potential of a great connection, or relationship/friendship? Is it the same as future faking? Can there ever be any truth to it?
I am truly over exnarc, exlover, and mother, in the sense that they bore me, I see that there’s nothing there and don’t react anymore.
But there’s that other regular mid narc, and I can’t figure out why I can’t put him behind me, too.
He always seems to give other people more than me, he always seems to prioritise others, while he seemed to be perfect for me, – – but there was never a chance to live it. Which was his decision and his actions.
Yes “seemed” , of course it is delusion. I also can’t figure out how much of that is done by him in purpose.
I have no idea why he doesn’t break off contact altogether, as he doesn’t seem to want anything from me, and when I saw him last, he acted like a stranger – like, he was sitting next to me in a pub, but the vibes and his looks and body language were as if he didn’t know me, as if we hadn’t had sex the night before.
I realize more and more that I don’t know him at all. I met one of his lovers, and she knew things about him I didn’t know and v. v. He did things with her (weekends) that hadn’t been possible with me, but she also couldn’t believe that I had been at his new place in a different country.
Yes, I know it sounds sick and pathetic, so, I wonder why I keep wanting to see this low life, and I think it is because I wanted to live the potential, enjoy doing things together, talk,… So yesterday he tells me on the phone about his new job I didn’t know about, then what we can do together, how he will help me renovate, how I can see his vineyard, all a side of his I haven’t known yet. Next thing I know he ignores me and even though he knows I won’t go to bed with him again, and while he’s not denying at all that he sees potentially several other women, he makes a total mystery out of what he is doing and which town he is in, and why he can’t answer. So maybe he is asleep at his parents house, maybe he is doing whatever with a woman. Maybe that woman thinks she is his girlfriend (happened before), maybe it’s someone he’s never seen before.
I am not at all as concerned about that all as it sounds, I haven’t seen him in 1 year which was my doing, but I can’t figure out why I want to see him again.
I feel a sadness, and that is about the death of our relationship or rather friendship before it had a chance even. We are both doing things separately which we share (interests), and I had wanted to do together. He describes what he wants to do in future, and it’s what I want, too, but when I tell him we want the same, he says “no, we don’t”.
Do I make myself cling to the illusion, and is there a difference to seeing potential for great times together? Why can’t I let go this one?
In the beginning he said “I’m not there yet”, and “I do not not like you, yes, there’s chemistry, yes, there is a connection, but I don’t know you, you’re older than me and I am moving out of the country”.
In the first week, I believed him. Shortly after I knew for a fact that he was lying to my face about things while looking into my eyes.
So, why do I see unlived potential for our friendship when I have known for years that it was all lies?
Why does it hurt that he didn’t come visit me and didn’t go on a short trip with me but could do those things with someone else?
He admits even that it is all at his convenience and whatever suits and comes easy…. so why do I think we are friends and could have a great time together, when clearly that’s not the case?
Why am I so conflicted, oh Holy Grail?
My son is 22. He says the girls search for money, looks, charm and height. The list goes on. Men search for an attractive female who is not a headache. The list is short. He says he could never go out with a woman who makes more money than him. He says that woman all seek the 2% of men or .000002%. And those with”ten years” of education want a man equal also chasing the 2% of men or 000002%. Some settle ( like me) he says and others become cat ladies who don’t need men. He says that marriage is a 50/50 shot and stacked against men especially when kids are involved. Why marry? “ it is obsolete.” He is not against any of it. But student loans, cost of housing, who can afford a kid? I said what about romance. He said you need to afford thAt. I have my favorite books of theirs in storage. I kept the Thomas train set. What is going on? I am considered an upper class American yet my children face this? My daughter is on full scholarship at an 80,000 a year college with extra scholarships for living. I helped for two years as he multimillionaire father decided he would not help for the first half… let me. He has now. She is in a sorority. Works. Studying a minir in film abroad. My idea. I don’t think you can understand the world unless elsewhere. Yet she at age 20 says she doesn’t elwabt children either. She is young. Only 20. But I wantEd children and waited… through college and law school. I always knew. This narcissistic society where the 2% own over 50% of the land and over 65% of the stock or corporate wealth is destroying our youth and has already taken 10% of middle class America. Kids don’t want marriage or children as they feel they cant afford them. I attended a Newport library event by a millennial correspondent, I asked her the same. I through in gen x had often mothers who did not work and shared cars… she said the same. The economy. But also that de raised on social media want the luxuries thst come with no kids. Who shares a station wagon today, no phones for teens, and no travel. It is a different world. War has always been but the climate changes and internet…no. Our kids are at risk. Suicide has never been higher and mental health greater the need. Mass shootings. Floods. Heat waves. California broke 1000 heat records in a week. We know about the fires here. Narcism among the elite is currently plaguing vitality and prosperity on this planet. I have this feeling as an empath that pendulum will swing once the baby boomers due out and more crisis comes. There will be a new generation. Faced with new obstacles. And they know it. Last grasp.
For a nice guy, I had way too many enemies.
For all intents and purposes I spent the first sixty four years of my life as a narcissist. Incapable of finding happiness, or maintaining stable relationships and always pissing people off. Until HG Tudor spelled out his understanding of the damage caused by parental narcissists I did not know that everybody didn’t feel as I did. His interpretation of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) changed my life. In fact, it’s not too dramatic a thing to say, he made my life worth living. BPD is, in reality, two conditions. Half of those diagnosed with BPD are narcissists. The other half are suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Because of my past behaviours, my initial interpretation of this information was to assume I am a narcissist. After all, I had behaved like one for a very long time. As time went on, and awareness grew, I came to the realization I could not be a narcissist simply because I was sincerely asking myself the question, ‘Am I a narcissist?’ Turns out, that is quite a pivotal question to be able to ask.
Anyway, the point of this story is, the noticeable change in my behaviour. Over thirty years ago I fled my country. Running away to Australia because I believed I would be happier there. Of course, I wasn’t. I think it was Woody Alan (narcissist by the way) who said, ‘Wherever you go, there you are.’ Never a truer word has been spoken. Only after being introduced to HG Tudor’s work did everything change.
Upon my recent return to Europe I spent time with many of the old friends who were left behind in my destructive wake. I was calm. I had no need to control the conversation or people opinions. I allowed people to express their ideas without having to force mine upon them. They all noticed the change in me. The person they always believed me to be was actually there with them. The insecure construct had fallen away.
Once I stop travelling and find somewhere to settle I will be taking HG Tudor’s empath detector. I asked him (via email) if I should take the narc detector but he sent me a link for the empath version. When I take it I will know if I’m an empath or narcissistic. I really don’t care which because I’m enjoying being whatever I am for the first time in my life.
I you feel anything like I did, please, please, please embrace HG Tudor’s work!
Dear HG,
It is very sad to hear of the passing of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Her Majesty was a remarkable and noble monarch and served her nation Great Britain and the whole of the Commonwealth with steadfast and enduring grace and strength.
I can imagine that her passing is a profound loss to you as well as all of Great Britain, as it is to many, many people around the world.
Sending you my condolences. Her Majesty will be greatly missed by the members of her family as well as everyone who knew her and held her in high esteem.
Thank you, HG.
When you spoke of the Queen Elizabeth II, you showed your understanding of her very well. It is apparent that you had respect for her, as an individual as well as the Monarch. It is the end of an Era, where Queen Elizabeth is concerned. Yet, her work lives on, she ‘laid’ the foundations in many areas of humanity. She will be missed by many.
While she was not necessarily ‘searching’ for anything in particular, she had no need to, because she was ‘enough’. More than enough, to us all.
Once again, thank you, for your respect towards her.
Condolences to you HG, and the people of Britain.
You write beautifully HG. I always enjoy reading your posts.
You suck for air!
Holy Grail (HG) Tudor?
Very well written… excellent….a narc that understands empaths better than anybody else… you have observed and understood well Sir…I would only add that some wipe their own tears and there is no getting away from the pain. It’s a burden that you have to learn to live with.
One of my favourite articles. A summary of a life-time’s learning, including “relating” with others, the answers are on KTN in HG’s writings. It is a great ‘place’ to be, educated on the less understood and hidden aspects of human’s minds. Thank you, HG 🙂
This piece is a shockingly accurate description of me. My strong intuition has guided me faithfully for decades but of late I have realised that it has started to malfunction to the core and this fact freaks me out. I feel vulnerable and shocked staring at my defunct compass.