You spend your time searching. Searching for the one who will fulfil that desire of complete happiness, the one who will be your match, the one who accords with being the soulmate, the one who completes you, the ying to your yang, the one who makes everything alright again. The one who will wipe away those tears of sadness and bring to you the tears of joy and elation. The one who will always be there, come hell or high water.

The one who creates that world that you have always craved. The one who chases away the shadows and keeps the wolf from the door. The one who loves you for what you are and does not seek to change you. You search for the one who wants to be with you but will not complain when there is enforced absence. The one who never forgets the important milestones in your lives but never remembers the times when matters do not quite go to plan.

The one who will ensure your memories live on in the raising of others. The one who will not turn from you but will lift you up and rely on you also. The one who will take your hand and hold it tight no matter what storms come your way. The one who wakes with you and smiles that special smile. The one who lays their lips against yours as the day ends and night engulfs the land.

The one who knows you inside out and cherishes everything you have to offer the world. The one who understands you and wants to understand you. The one who embraces your flaws and imperfections and does not use them against you. The one who looks into your eyes and desires what they see there. The one who will not judge you, will not hold your errors against you but who will hold you as the world may collapse around you and the one who will say your name with their dying breath.

You spend your time searching for a sign. An indicator that will give you the answers. Something on which you can hang hope, that imposter, in order to solve the mystery that you are now faced with. Something that will enable you to unravel the puzzle that has emerged every day and has your mind twisted, thoughts stretched and contorted. You are searching for the truth, your slavish devotion to such a concept is honourable indeed and you must find that truth and hold it high for all to see.

You must locate it and raise it up above to ensure that everybody knows of it. You must find the solution, you must identify the panacea that shall cure all these ills, for you are a fixer, a solver, a healer. You search and search for explanation, enlightenment and elucidation. You are hunting high and low for the reason to something which seems unfathomable. Your search will lead you into dead ends, frustrating cul-de-sacs and along treacherous and perilous routes where your bewilderment is only heightened.

Your search for clarity amongst the confusion appears to be never-ending. You may be blessed with an indefatigable spirit which enables you to carry way beyond the endurance of others as this search continues. There are clues, but they dance away from you like an elusive will o the wisp, leaving you blundering after it, as you are led further into the quagmire of disturbing befuddlement.

You search for the antidote to the pain that engulfs you each and every day. Some salve to soothe your fevered brow, a medicine that will numb the pain and bring the cure. You search for an end to the hurt. An end to the misery that sweeps about you, its chains heavy and rusting, making you stoop and cutting you to the core. Dragging you down with its hatred, the horror and the malevolence so you fall to your knees.

You crawl across the barren land, hands pricked from the thorns that grow across your path as wearied and beaten down you drive yourself on searching for a way out. You sob with frustration as your draining journey reveals that you have gone around in a circle and you stare with disbelieving eyes at your own handprints in the dust, realisation crashing into you that your endeavours have all been for naught.

You search for the Holy Grail that will grant you release from this torture, the answer to every question which gnaws at your terrified mind, the oil that will calm the troubled waters allowing your passage across the emotional sea to become easier allowing you to reach the promised land. You search for the key which will unlock the huge gate that looms over you, the opening of the portal that will enable you to escape this horror which surrounds you and has become woven into the tapestry of your every day. You search and search, fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp.

You search and search for a way out of the nightmare, idiots and clowns suggesting they have the route mapped out for you, but they know little or nothing, well-intentioned or otherwise they are not the ones who will be able to end your search. You search and search for the final destination that will finally grant you release. There are options which may bring this horror show to an end, the dropping of the final curtain but whilst you contemplate that, deep within you there is that will to overcome what torments you and to avoid failing and seeking that alternative exit. That way is not for you.

You must conclude your search. You must achieve it and as that truth seeker your search continues.

You wish to reach the end and it is an end which gives you the absolute truth, the clearest of answers which thus enables you to seize the power to create that which serves your needs once again.

The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light once more, a champion of perseverance and a titan of determination.

So, day after day after day, you search.

Your search ends here.

The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.

16 thoughts on “Searching

  1. oldcrow says:

    When I was a police officer, working domestics. I always wondered what bound two people. I’d bet every cop that’s ever been called to a domestic dispute has witnessed the narc at work.
    Time after time the victims would say the same thing. He/she wasn’t always like this. Time after time I’d advise the victim he/she’s going to hurt you. Always same answer “oh that’s never going to happen ” Until it does. Until a cop is back there picking up the broken people.
    I always wondered what kept them together. It was always so twisted.
    Thanks to the videos and blog I have many of those questions answered.
    Don’t get me wrong. In college I took as my psychology classes as possible, looking for some answers. Answers to help me better do my job. They didn’t come.
    I still have a few questions unanswered. However I hope to eventually find those too.
    Thank you HG Tudor. You’re explained many things. For once in my life I’m happy to be just plain normal.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  2. Empath007 says:

    Is silence the best way for an empath to regain control of their life and situation?

    Right now. I feel like I have no control over anything in my life and no fight left in me.

    1. Isabelle says:

      Hello Empath007,

      When you ask if silence is the best way to regain control of your life and situation, it doesn’t sound like you are referring to a relationship with a narcissist (I hope not for you!). I trust that you have got rid of them and yes, silence (i.e totally ignoring them and getting them out of your head) is the best way, but you already know this.

      You sound like you are losing all your energy, and if that is the case, yes – total rest and silence do help. A lot. And I mean TOTAL rest: no looking after anyone else, no work (especially no work), nothing. Try to get someone else to deal with bills/paper work/ kids – if any – the housework, everything. Ideally, try to go away for two weeks or more on your own in a quiet place to regain your energy.
      That’s what I did when similar happened to me. It took more than two weeks because I waited to long in a state of exhaution before I did anything about it.

      Just my two cents. Take good care of yourself, Empath007.

      1. Isabelle says:

        * too long

    2. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Empath 007,

      It’s the elevated ET that is making you feel like you can’t cope and you aren’t in control. You were recently in 4 of the 5 arenas of interaction. Your ET is bound to be high.

      Close down ALL the arenas of interaction. Your weakness is social media. Stay off it, it’s feeding your ET!! You can’t remain contactable for the ex narc even via Facebook. You’ll be forever waiting for a message or a comfort crumb if you do. No one can move on like that.

      You know what to do. If you aren’t doing it then your ET is running the show not you. Go back to basics, concentrate on closing down the arenas and you’ll feel more in control. You can do it Empath007 so get it done!

      I’m here to listen if you need to talk. Xx

  3. Cindy says:

    Living inside a narc mind must be total hell.

  4. WiserNow says:

    Dear HG,

    It is very sad to hear of the passing of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Her Majesty was a remarkable and noble monarch and served her nation Great Britain and the whole of the Commonwealth with steadfast and enduring grace and strength.

    I can imagine that her passing is a profound loss to you as well as all of Great Britain, as it is to many, many people around the world.

    Sending you my condolences. Her Majesty will be greatly missed by the members of her family as well as everyone who knew her and held her in high esteem.

  5. Asp Emp says:

    Thank you, HG.

    When you spoke of the Queen Elizabeth II, you showed your understanding of her very well. It is apparent that you had respect for her, as an individual as well as the Monarch. It is the end of an Era, where Queen Elizabeth is concerned. Yet, her work lives on, she ‘laid’ the foundations in many areas of humanity. She will be missed by many.

    While she was not necessarily ‘searching’ for anything in particular, she had no need to, because she was ‘enough’. More than enough, to us all.

    Once again, thank you, for your respect towards her.

  6. WhoCares says:

    Condolences to you HG, and the people of Britain.

  7. WiserNow says:

    You write beautifully HG. I always enjoy reading your posts.

  8. VonnaTay says:

    You suck for air!

  9. C says:

    Holy Grail (HG) Tudor?

  10. Tom says:

    Very well written… excellent….a narc that understands empaths better than anybody else… you have observed and understood well Sir…I would only add that some wipe their own tears and there is no getting away from the pain. It’s a burden that you have to learn to live with.

  11. Asp Emp says:

    One of my favourite articles. A summary of a life-time’s learning, including “relating” with others, the answers are on KTN in HG’s writings. It is a great ‘place’ to be, educated on the less understood and hidden aspects of human’s minds. Thank you, HG 🙂

  12. Meili says:

    This piece is a shockingly accurate description of me. My strong intuition has guided me faithfully for decades but of late I have realised that it has started to malfunction to the core and this fact freaks me out. I feel vulnerable and shocked staring at my defunct compass.

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