The Online Empathic Target
You are an obvious target when you engage in on-line dating. Your profile acts as a beacon to us. We see certain phrases and descriptions which have us making a bee line for you. You may as well strap a neon sign to your head stating “Empath” because you are sending a clear and distinct signal to us and we will move in for the kill.
On-line dating websites are popular and growing. They have millions of members and billions of page views each day. There are plenty of people looking for love on the internet. Given the ease through which one can browse, select and interact with a prospective date, it is little wonder that online dating sites are extensively used.
The ability to avoid having to plunge into a gene pool of who knows what in bars and clubs and other predictable pick-up joints means that firing up the laptop and tablet and settling back to see who is out there has become a major way of finding that other half. I have mentioned before that cyberspace is a major hunting ground for our kind. From apps to social media, through messaging to the dating websites, the speed and reach of technology is a huge boon to the narcissist in his search for victims.
Dating websites are no exception. It is there that we can sift through the prospective victims, assessing the target and gauging whether an approach ought to be made to begin the additional fact finding about this individual and commence the seduction. Dating websites attract a good proportion of cranks, wind-up merchants, no-shows, time wasters, married people searching for some sexting and potentially more and these individuals often stand out a mile. The opening gambit of the pervert who is looking for some topless pictures of you is likely to be
“U r gawjuss, do you have nudes?”
Easy to pick that jerk out isn’t it? He won’t be one of us though. He is just an arsehole. The philanderer may well belong to our brethren but when he starts with,
“I am married but my wife and I haven’t had sex for 2 years so I am not really being unfaithful in looking for some action elsewhere.”
You know that he is looking for some extra-marital fun and being so upfront about it means he is unlikely to be one of ours. You never charm somebody by playing your B.L.U.F. – bottom line up front. Rather, in order to bluff, a far more subtle and insidious approach is required.
These individuals may have narcissistic traits but they are not in our gang. They operate on a percentage basis. Keep asking for nude pictures often enough and someone is bound to agree. Keep plugging away for someone who fancies a quick bunk up and somebody will eventually respond. That is all they are interested in. They are not after your fuel. We are.
So, what do we look for when we are scouring the digital directory of potential appliances? Naturally, the cadre of narcissist affects the class traits that the relevant narcissist looks for, therefore the Somatic Narcissist will be concentrating on those who look stunning, are gym bunnies, love travel and shopping and such like. The Cerebral Narc will be looking for those who enjoy literature, the arts, demonstrate a higher education and so forth. Those class traits are highly relevant and we do look for them in the profiles of those who place themselves on an online dating site.
We also look for the empathic traits which signify to us that this person has the potential to be an excellent appliance for us and eventually maybe even be a primary source. We scour for those who have the special traits as well, which amount to a bonus. Finally, we look for indicators which tell us that you are unlikely to put up much resistance.
Combine all of these indicators – the class, empathic and special traits, add in the knowledge that you are not going to be difficult to approach and engage with and it all points towards a viable target for our attentions. Not all of the empathic or special traits will be present in your profile, this requires additional investigative work on our part which we will engage in, but we will have seen enough which tells us that you are more likely than not an empath and well worth targeting.
So what are these phrases and descriptions that stand out a mile to our kind and have us converging on you? There are numerous that exist, but here is a selection of ones which are used most often.
- Been Hurt Before
Our klaxon goes off to tell us that you are damaged goods and therefore ripe for the taking. Somebody has tenderized you already and thus our insidious charm will meet with little resistance. You will be delighted to find someone so caring, so compassionate, so considerate and so into you. Such a contrast to the predecessor. You will not be warier for the experience but actually more vulnerable because you clearly do not recognise our kind when we come hunting.
- Loves animals
If you are prepared to care for a lower life form, feed it, groom it, exercise it, play with it, buy it things, pay vet’s bills and so forth, you are clearly a caring person. Nine times out of ten an animal lover is also someone who is very caring towards their own species too, there is the odd exception of course, but it is more often a reliable indicator of empathic traits than not.
- I’m new to this/ I cannot believe I am doing on-line dating
You have not been able to meet anybody through a traditional method and you are telling us this because you feel somewhat awkward and silly that you are doing this. Don’t worry, we will put you at your ease because guess what? We will tell you we are new to this (of course we are not) and let’s handhold on this new adventure. This also tells us that there is a degree of desperation to find somebody because you are trying to suggest you do not use this ordinarily. Well you are here now aren’t you because nothing else has worked?
- I like to stay in with a glass of wine and a DVD/cosy up in front the fire/ walk in the park on Sunday and go to the pub for a roast/ have Sunday brunch and read the papers together
You are a love devotee. How so? These standard phrases originate because you have watched the fabricated happy Hollywood couples in film, or read about them in glossy magazines and novels which advocate that this is the way that couples spend every evening or Sunday together. You are susceptible to being sold the ideal of how love is, the romantic and wonderful view of love and by using phrases such as these you are indicating that to us loud and clear. You want an ideal form of love? Guess who can manufacture that in an instant?
If you make mention of this on your profile you are exhibiting, you operate by a moral code and therefore you will have empathic traits. If you demonstrate some form of spirituality this tells us that you have a belief system and therefore you are susceptible to suggestion. This ranges from being a good and decent person through to someone who believes that love will solve every issue and problem. That mind set is appealing to us.
- Charity involvement
If you make mention of your work at the local homeless shelter, you volunteer with a medical charity or are engaged in fund-raising we know you are a giver and not a taker. We also know that you have significant levels of empathy and that you will go the extra mile to secure the happiness of somebody. We want that attitude directed towards us.
- I am a middle child/ I come from a large family
There is a good chance you have not been afforded the attention you might otherwise have wanted and thus we know that we can secure an easy win by lavishing on you plenty of the aforementioned attention. We also regard this as demonstrating that you are quite stoic individual who has been used to just getting on with things, so that having someone come along and help you and put you at the centre of things will really gain your approval and appreciation.
- I just got out of a committed relationship
So you have and by writing this you are telling us two things. The first is you want another one pretty quickly because you do not like being alone. The second is that you have evidently been the one who has been dumped or cheated on as you are saying you were the one who was committed and you want other people to know that you were committed. This tells us that you are keen on getting to the truth of the matter, an empathic trait and that you will stick around.
- I am looking for a knight in shining armour
So many bases are ticked with this one. You are a love devotee as you are sold on the idea of romantic love. You want someone to save you and therefore you will respond well to such overtures. You have evidently suffered previously and therefore you have been softened up in that regard as detailed above. You are also expecting somebody else to be chivalrous and bear the burden, which translates into you wanting that person to buy you things, take you places and spoil you. No problem, that all comes as part of the Love Bombing package.
- I am seeking someone who is financially secure
You have financial problems which we can exploit and/or you were with somebody who had financial problems so you want to avoid that happening again. You are attracted to success (or the appearance of success) and this is a motivating factor for you. We will be happy to factor that in for you.
- I am ready for a long-term relationship
You have not been able to find anybody so far, so desperation is starting to creep in. You are also a giver and believe in relationships, you want to be bound to somebody and make it work. You have just tilted your head and exposed your throat to us.
- I want to be swept off my feet
Another indication of being a love devotee who believes in excessive romanticism and also a key indicator that our whirlwind approach to seduction will reap significant rewards and find favour with you. You will be swept off your feet alright, you just may have trouble getting up again.
- I am tired of games
Again another signal that you have suffered in the past and therefore you are susceptible to manipulation. This offers us the chance to exhibit that we are honest, straightforward and reliable to draw you in and then we can commence our manipulations of you with impunity.
- Looking for The One
More evidence of the love devotee, someone who is ready to pour their heart and soul into the relationship and therefore you will be overflowing with empathic traits. Not only that, you will fall prey to our various ways of telling you that you are The One, Our Soulmate and The Person We Have Waited Our Whole Life For.
- Mention of the caring professions
If you happen to explain you work in nursing, look after the elderly, you sign for the local deaf community and so forth, this lights up that you have empathic traits and this especially appeals to the Victim Narcissist who will be looking for his own personal carer.
There are many more and we look for a selection of these in somebody’s written dating profile to confirm to us that you will have the various traits we desire and that your resistance to being seduced will be low.
Time for a re-think on what you have written?
13 thoughts on “The Online Empathic Target”
What if you write on the profile “I hate narcissists, sociopath and all the fucking toxin cluster b people.” 🙂
You will be deemed a potty mouth and be denied supper.
I know there are many disadvantages to online dating but isn’t it an advantage that you can count red flags and spot the narcissist from behind the screen?
As you aren’t in all 5 arenas of interaction, even though you ET will heighten it won’t get at it’s highest.
Isn’t the narcissist is less likely to hoover someone they chatted to for 2-3 days compared to someone they met 2-3 days?
1. You have to know about the red flags, most people do not.
2. If you are engaging in this when you have been in the arenas with other narcissists, you will be topping up your ET with these interactions and potentially crossing tipping points.
3. It is actually more likely for a narcissist to hoover you virtually (because it is easier) than in person and therefore just because the interaction is virtual rather than physical does not mean the risk is reduced re a hoover.
4. This perceived advantage isn’t actually one. I understand what you are driving at, i.e. it is safer to interact virtually than physically, but that does not hold any weight in the context of the online arena for the reasons explained at length in my work “Why You Should Not Use Online Dating”.
I have a suspicion that I might be a bit more susceptible online than in real life. My online is not online dating (which I’ve never tried, and nor would I), but I am in other online situations, like forums and instant messaging chats.
In reality, if somebody approaches me with an overt display of what seems to be excessive attention, then I tend to panic and run away (once literally running, when I was being pursued through hotel corridors at a business conference).
Online, I would still see the same thing as a red flag, but would feel safer and may not avoid the person in the same way as I would in reality. This would very possibly give them an opportunity to hoover me in – unless they continued to behave in a “too much, too soon” way, in which case I would withdraw.
My experiences with online dating has all been terrible…
Most people aren’t really looking for anything serious anyway, they are looking for fuck buddies.
I’ve had good experiences so far using a friendship app and met some nice women off there and made 3 lasting friendships. I only stopped using it because I became overwhelmed with keeping up with messages and meeting different people. But I never made any male friends, you can guess what they were really after, so if you’re using online anything to meet men especially, don’t bother.
Fuck buddy sounds good to me!😂
The N broke my heart but my ‘spicy pontang’ is still working!
(Dare I post this)?
I don’t know if I’ll manage but if I find the man attractive but not interesting and not my ‘type’ then maybe..?
I went on exactly two online dates. The first time I was rather brutally assaulted. The second time, I met my narc husband. I have a high IQ, why was I such a twat?
I said I wasn’t going to leave my narc, but that has quickly changed. There’s literally nothing here in this relationship. And HG told me so, but I held on a bit, hoping. (And trying and begging) But he’s never going to come to the table.
It’s hard not to think about being with an actual feeling human male after being deprived for so long. I was wondering if I would online date again. I knew I would have to do it differently, and I’m clearly different anyway, but this serves as a solid reminder that it’s probably not worth the risk. Twat no more.
This is useful. It’d be interesting to see a similar list of the opening gambits for the different schools of narcissist, not just for online dating but for those trapped-in-a-corner-at-a-party moments. It has to be more than just “want to see my etchings?” Have you done one?
I have not done so yet.
I was always lucky in my life with really good teachers
I did online dating for a year untill I learned with the help of HG and his work to recognise narcissitic men at an early state. But I have to say that it was always painful to awaken from the illusion to reality. The illusion created by myself and the other one. And it took some time to loose the addiction. It just feels so wonderful to fall in love and I am really fast and good at it 🙂
It is like taking a good drug to fly so high and to have butterflies around and inside all the time.
But now I learned to slow it down and to be more aware, also about myself, what I think, what I feel and how I react. Taking enough time to get to know somebody is a key element not to do the same error again and again.