Knowing the Narcissist : To Sin Is To Win
Winning is everything to me. I have to win. This applies to every facet of my life. You will be aware of not only my desire to win but the fact that I always come up smelling of roses. I know you find this particularly unfair as this is something that has been hurled in my direction on several occasions,
“You just walk away from the carnage you create without so much as a scratch.”
“You carry on as if nothing has happened without a care about what you have done.”
“How is it that someone as nasty as you just gets to sail through life untouched?”
“You cause so much misery yet you always land on your feet.”
I am able to fire the useless employee without worrying about how that will impact on his or her life. I do know that this will improve productivity. The weak link has been expunged and the ruthlessness by which it is executed causes those still in employment to work harder. Result? It’s a win. I renege on financial arrangements which leave your position in tatters and mine intact. I use my charm and plethora of excuses to always avoid having to pay for dinner, for an evening out or a holiday. Consequently you carry the burden of our entertainment whilst my bank balance grows. Amazingly, you are aware that I out earn you but the application of my manipulative techniques results in you happily forking out for that weekend away, again. You do it because I have been so loving and charming to you. You do it because I have been so brutal to you yet you still want to please me. Whichever stance I adopt, seduction or devaluation, I secure the desired result. The win.
My lack of conscience and legendary capacity to tell lies sees me grind you into submission during any discussion about financial settlements so that you are left exhausted and just wanting an end to it all. Accordingly, you agree to a far weaker position than that which you might be entitled to. I threaten unfounded complaints to ensure I gain an upgrade, free vouchers or a better outcome for me. I have no qualms about fabricating such a position in order to secure the result I want. It’s another win.
The skill by which I control friendships sees me lob the metaphorical hand grenade into a friendship group and I will stroll away as it detonates behind me causing carnage. I watch from the side lines as friend turns on friend, based on the whispered smear campaign I have created for my own amusement. This is another win as I marvel at my power over people. Nobody has the presence of mind to direct their anger towards me. Oh no, I am too clever to be sucked into that and I can stand and observe the bitter recriminations all stemming from my behaviour. I will always move on to a new relationship without a backwards glance, my smile radiating from every picture and posting that I can muster. I leave you in abject misery as you watch dumbfounded as I find someone new in a matter of days (or more often I already have them lined up). You are staggered as to how I can do this so easily after my proclamations of undying love towards you. How can it be right that you, the one who gave everything and always behaved so properly is left distraught, confused and bereft whilst I waltz around town without a care in the world? Why am I never upset or miserable? It seems unjust and unfair. Why do I always seem to win? Why do I get the cream, win the main prize and have the golden ticket? It is because of how I am designed. I am designed to win. That is my sole focus. By winning I gain admiration and power which gives me fuel. You know how I need that fuel and therefore to secure it I have to win. Unlike you, I have been created with the skill sets that allow me to behave without integrity, to function without a conscience and to sail through life untouched by moral concerns. Normal people are upset and troubled by my machinations, but I am not hampered by such concerns. They do not affect me. I have been fashioned to always secure the win because without it I cannot survive. That is why I have to win and that is why I always win. There is no hope for any other outcome. By the time you and others have worked out that I have been the architect of the chaos and destruction that surrounds you I am long gone. I have left town and ridden off into the sunset in search of my next victory, having conquered you before any consequences of defeat can come looking for me,
12 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : To Sin Is To Win”
My eldest daughter told me something very interesting recently about the difference between time spent with her father and time spent with me. I had no idea, but it brought me back to the narcissist’s need to win and how the parental narcissist encourages this.
She said that when she and her siblings were with their dad he always encouraged them to compete. He would set up different types of competitions where they had to compete to win (his favour, affection, money, treats, etc.). When they were with me she said the focus was on adventure and experiencing life. Basically enjoying ourselves and creating happy memories.
I was so surprised and so interested to see her draw this comparison. I’ve commented on that before here, wondering about my mother and asking retrospectively “Why do I need to compete?”
Those with narcissistic parents might recognise this overriding need that has been instilled in them. The parent themselves will compete with the child. I always felt I was in some way in competition with my mother. It was her gloating – or a sense of triumphalism – when she thought she had one up on me that made me realise. It’s an incredibly sad moment when you understand that your parent is not there to support and encourage you, but to compete with you and potentially rejoice when they see you fail.
They also relish the ‘divide and conquer’ aspect that is generated in the competitive atmosphere. It gives them more control. Hence the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic as well.
It’s a never changing landscape when it comes to the narcissist.
LET, this is a very interesting comment. Lots to consider. Thank you.
No worries, AV. It gave me a lot to consider as well.
LET, it was interesting to read what your daughter pointed out to you and good that she can observe the differences in the behaviours, and, her reasonings. I agree on your point about the Golden Child / Scapegoat aspect from the parental narcissist’s actions towards the offspring.
AspEmp, I was happy on the one hand to discover they never felt under any pressure with me, didn’t have to jump through hoops or ‘perform’ in order to win my love or affection. At the same time, I can see how tantalising it would be to be the ‘chosen one’ or the winner. Makes me look boring in comparison 😛 The other side to that coin is being the loser. I think the Scapegoat child is set up to be the loser by the narcissist – maybe by creating impossible odds, overlooking successes, manufacturing failures – and the Golden Child by comparison can do no wrong, the odds are always in their favour (cheeky Hunger Games reference there 😉 ), their successes always celebrated and ensured. One can never get on the pedestal and one can never climb down, unless the narcissist decides in their whimsical way they should change places. All that being said, it is a winners and losers game according to the narcissist. It can be very hard to move away from this type of thinking when you have been raised with it. Maybe my eldest daughter is recognising an element of how this impacted her. I’m not really sure why she brought it up otherwise.
I see you have done your Empath Detector, too 🙂 It’s good to know and understand more about ourselves, especially when it comes to our empathy and the fact it’s often been used against us in the past. We can finally get a positive spin on what it is to be an empath and that it comes with warts and all. How freeing to know we don’t have to be perfect and still be what the world needs to make it a better place <3
What can I say, except you help to make Narcsite a better place, AspEmp xox
Hi LET, I am glad that your daughter can talk to you easily about the differences that she observed herself. I think it would be unjust of you to suggest that you are boring “in comparison” because you are being real (natural, empath mother) and your daughter can see the differences between the parents. Your daughter sounds like one of those people that would be able to spot someone ie a friend of hers, should they be in a narcissistic ensnarement.
RE: empath detector, interesting to be able to see where I fit within the schools & cadres. Me thinks, the Trait Detector next, for sure, weaponise myself some more 😉
Thank you so much for your last sentence, much appreciated 🙂 xx
Oh yes, the reference to “warts and all” was more a reference to the Trait Detector and how it shows up both our narcissistic as well as empathic traits – which are higher (e.g. pride in the narc sense or justice in the empath sense) and lower (e.g not very vain or not much of a love devotee). It really is a fascinating exercise and the next step on your journey 🙂 Good luck getting to know yourself better xox
Thank you, LET, it won’t be immediate when I obtain the TDC, I’ve no doubt it will reveal a couple of things and not surprise me in others 🙂 xx
RE: ** HG’s words “….. when a thought or a memory arises the only person who gives it ‘energy’ or ‘momentum’ (call it what you will) is the person who has the thought or memory. By disciplining oneself to jettison them, substantial progress is made” – this is exactly what I have practiced to do by instructing the LT to stop the ET from taking over. This is winning’ before the “questioning” yourself ie in regard to ‘The Seven Sins of the Empath’s Self-Doubt’ start to creep into your mind as you dwell on the memory, triggered by whatever reason.
HG’s words ** https://narcsite.com/2019/06/14/a-glimpse-into-the-greater-narcissists-mind-reflections/#comment-269904
AspEmp, thanks for the reminder on this one.
Thank you, LET 🙂
This is what I have learned from HG: Narcs live their own illusions (“Narc vision”), at least about themselves. If one time they did not win they just put it like they won because they always have to be right, at least for themselves and for the people that are close to them.
The greater the Narc the greater the illusion about himself?