Knowing the Narcissist : Just the Way It Is
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from threats to our control. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
16 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Just the Way It Is”
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Hi TS!
Fascinating about the psychopath woman and her husband.
Yes, narcs can live with and adjust to fuel fluctuations. Amber Heard provided a good example of that last year (though she has mostly disappeared from the world stage after her trial)…and I think in time HW probably will, too.
Then there’s the baby murderess. She’s imprisoned for life (rightfully so!). Her facade can never be resurrected with the public. It’s shattered on an international scale. She has a small number of private supporters, close friends and family. She’s having fuel problems, she lost her old matrix. She’s imprisoned and likely to be kept more isolated owing to the reasons HG outlined in one of the last few videos about her.
Even lacking the extreme nature of those two cases, I think for most narcissists it would still be a stressful period. Assume the scenario: An IPPS escapes…leaving a Midranger…that is not just a fuel problem for them…it would damage their facade (especially if the facade includes ‘loving husband’) and it would threaten their control.
Mr. Tudor–
1. Is the fuel provided by your IPPS’s relief at a sudden return to the golden period different from earlier positive fuel?
2. Is there a general amount of time that a return to the golden period lasts for you personally?
3. Is there an average number of returns to the golden period that an IPPS receives before disengagement?
4. If an empath isn’t prone to resentfulness/anger, do you feel a different amount of power/control over them when you achieve this emotion?
5. Do the school/cadre of a narcissist relate to the average length of a golden period?
6. How does the combination of school/cadre of the narcissist and the school/cadre of the relevant empath relate (if at all) to the length of the golden period?
7. Are sadness, anger, and other negative emotions suitably different that you roll through them all?
8. When you say you need to switch from strawberry to mint chocolate chip (etc)…do you go after a different school/cadre of empath for a IPSS than your current IPPS?
9. Do you look for different special traits in the IPSSs from whatever your current IPPS is when you need a switch?
Thank you so much for your time! It’s much appreciated.
1. It is positive fuel.
2. No.
3. No.
4. Yes.
5. Yes.
6. Too expansive for a blog comment.
7. Yes.
8. Not necessarily.
9. Not necessarily.
Thank you, sir!
1. Is there a physical sensation that accompanies feeling powerful?
2. To keep with the ice cream and empath analogy, every empath ice cream. Is each empath a different flavor with different toppings/mix-ins/etc?
3. Have you had an empath as your IPPS who’s a majority from each of the four schools?
Thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it.
1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3. You cannot be a majority from all four schools.
Thank you so much for your time, sir.
1. What is the physical sensation that accompanies feeling powerful? Do you have anything that talks more about feeling powerful, what makes you feel that way and what diminishes the feeling? I find it intriguing.
2. I know that you prefer the super school for the majority, but you’ve said that no empath is 100% one school. If a majority is 75-90% or higher…do you have a preference for whether the remaining 10-25% is more codependent or more contagion?
3. Do you have a preference after magnet cadre for what the other cadres?
4. Is part of what keeps you interested in a particular person, searching for hidden mix-ins, before the ice cream melts?
5. When the sustained devaluation begins and you begin engaging in infidelity…what is the range of flavors amongst IPSSs and intimate partner tertiary sources like?
Thank you so much for your time, sir. Much appreciated.
1. What Fuel Feels Like to the Narcissist.
2. Contagion.
3. Martyr.
4. Their usefulness to me.
Thank you so much for your time, sir. Much appreciated.
Hi Dani,
With regards to question 6 about the combinations of schools / cadres of narcissist and empaths and the length of the golden period, I’ve been pondering this too.
I listened to a psychopath being interviewed recently. During the interview she talked about the mask that needs to be worn to ‘fit in’ with the neurotypical majority. There are different levels of masking (in her opinion). She was asked if she masked when alone with her husband and she replied that she did, but to a lesser degree. If she didn’t she would as she put it “not be keeping up her end of the bargain” and, he would not have his needs met. She decides to meet his needs as she would prefer to have him there than not there. When asked if masking was exhausting she replied that yes it could be if she was being especially nice.
This got me thinking. HG has stated that the period of devaluation is required to fund the seduction of the new primary source. If I’m honest I saw this as an excuse, a blame shift of sorts to excuse poor behaviour but I kind of now see what he means. If there is no emotional empathy, every move the narcissist makes during the golden period would require effort. If the narcissist goes to get a glass of wine from the kitchen, he doesn’t consider that his IPPS might like a glass also. Not naturally he doesn’t. It’s an effort to remind himself and consider the needs / likes of the IPPS. He first has to remind himself to think, then ask, then do. That’s just a glass of wine. The love bombing, with texts, places to go, attentiveness, learning of preferences, remembering to call, all of those things wouldn’t be part of the natural thought process. I imagine it more like a massive and ever lengthening to do list. Intentional care is hard work. It requires a lot of thought and a lot of energy.
I can also kind of see why, having gone through all of that, invested that time and effort, thought and energy that later when the fuel turns stale, the narcissist would feel cheated and angry. In his world he made a huge effort and to him, the IPPS didn’t do the same.
When I think of devaluation, aside from any abuse that might take place, I also see it as the removal of effort. The narcissist is spending less energy on all of those caring gestures that he had to do during the seduction and golden period. In many ways he is no longer having to mask, at least not to the same degree. He is far closer to being as he is, his natural state, if that makes sense?
So in terms of length of golden period in many ways it would be based on energy levels available for expenditure for the narcissist versus the empath being an energy cost centre. Depending on her school the empath will be more difficult or easier to control. Similar with fuel provision, some will fountain with fuel others less so, perhaps more intermittent or, a steady supply, which will suit some circumstances and not others.
The narcissist spends energy during the golden period but as the fuel of the empath comes online then he also receives energy. There will be a point where expenditure and receipt are equal then the narcissist will likely find himself in surplus as he moves through the golden period. Events elsewhere in the fuel matrix will also either supplement or drain the narcissist of fuel which he uses as energy to power the construct, seek more fuel, and keep the creature enclosed.
So I do kind of see HG’s comment a little more neutrally now. From the narc’s perspective this devaluation funding is necessary when I consider the energy it must take to do even a simple thing relating to the consideration of another person.
I might have gone part way to answering your question, or not but those are some of my thoughts on it.
Xx
Hi Truthseeker!
“If there is no emotional empathy, every move the narcissist makes during the golden period would require effort…The love bombing, with texts, places to go, attentiveness, learning of preferences, remembering to call, all of those things wouldn’t be part of the natural thought process.” — But if they have cognitive empathy, don’t they know what they need to do?
If Mr. Tudor is in the kitchen when his IPPS comes in, hot and sweaty from a run, he knows it’ll *be viewed* as kind and caring for him to get a glass of ice water for her. If he does so, she smiles and thanks him, providing positive fuel. If, instead, he gulps down a glass of water, blocking her from the cabinet where the glasses are, she may scowl or ask him to move in a rude tone of voice, providing negative (and possibly challenge) fuel. He knows that whatever action he takes will be for fuel.
See, to me I would say that it is natural for a narcissist to behave this way…they behave this way repeatedly with different people. The thought process of a golden period is natural (meaning it’s their nature, their wiring) to the midrange, the greater, and the Ultra…it’s only consciously understood by the few, the greater and the Ultra.
What I’m understanding from what you’ve paraphrased is that the narcissist needs copious amounts of fuel, and the incoming fuel from the candidate IPPS is not yet potent enough yet to completely power the beginning of the seduction. Depending on the school/cadre of empath, it may be a longer process to bring them completely under control. With negative fuel being more potent, and if the narcissist is giving an absent silent treatment (but allowing phone messages/texts/emails/etc. through)…it’s all fuel in from the most potent source, the IPPS, and the most potent type of fuel, negative. So that negative fuel can be used to help power the narcissist during the seduction period of the incoming IPPS, who, dependent on school/cadre might take more or less time to get to where they are fulling meeting the fuel needs of the narcissist.
I guess my next question is, do certain combinations last longer? Do some just never have a chance to get going? I’m looking forward to more of that as we get more of the Empath School/Cadre deep dives from Mr. Tudor. So busy being good to us. I’ve watched all those videos multiple times, and I’ve got questions and I’m eager to learn more.
Hi Danni,
Yes, I see your point both golden period and devaluation are natural to the narcissist because most are unaware of their need for fuel.
I think what struck me in essence about the psychopath interview was how much effort it takes to be considerate when emotional empathy is absent.
Cognitive empathy facilitates being considerate, the psychopath understands what it means to be considerate so in the example, offering their partner a glass of wine because they are pouring one for themselves, but there’s no drive to do so as there often would be with an empathic individual, nothing about the considerate action is automatic. The natural operating system is very ‘me’ oriented. ‘I want a glass of wine, I’ll go get one. If you want a glass of wine, you go get one.’
There was another example about the psychopath going to get Chinese takeaway with her neurotypical friend after an evening out. The neurotypical friend would order her take out but call or text the psychopath’s husband to see if he wanted anything bringing home. The psychopath herself never thought to do it and he was her husband haha! It made me think. Without emotional empathy there is no automatic consideration for anyone else at all. Their natural state is just to look after their own needs. Considering anyone else requires effort, effort and consideration will likely feel like shackles, something that slows them down almost.
There’s no discernible payback for the pure psychopath to do something kind or considerate for someone else, no feel good factor, no emotional reward. Ordinarily, the only payback would be if the considerate act achieved some form of objective for the psychopath. ‘I’ll give you a bottle of water because I need you to row me to that island.’ Haha!
The narcissist is different because that feel good factor is there in the form of fuel, so there is a form of reward for considerate behaviour, but I still see it as requiring effort, there’s no genuine drive to be considerate even during the golden period. No natural thought process. It’s a means to an end, consciously or subconsciously. The pursuit of fuel is done on a repeated basis though so I see what you mean about it being natural in that respect.
Yes, that’s what I meant with the negative fuel of the IPPS in devaluation funding the energy required to seduce the candidate IPPS. Also, I thought later that the narcissist often has more than one candidate so energy will be spent across two or three individuals at the point of seduction. The fuel received from the ‘seductees’ would be intermittent, sometimes not proximate and less potent due to lower position in the fuel matrix. The seduction is described as a blitzkrieg, that’s a lot of energy expenditure.
In terms of school of empath that might receive a longer golden period, I’m tempted to say Co dependent, because often the CoD is geared to serving the needs of the narcissist, they gain validation by doing so more than the other schools. They would therefore likely threaten control less often. Repeated threat to control is a devaluation trigger. So on that basis alone you might expect the SE to catch that trigger earlier. Fuel turning stale I think would apply to all schools of empath roughly equally. The empath becoming aware that something isn’t right with the relationship is another trigger that might be activated sooner by the SE. It very much depends on school of narcissist also as you suggest. A CoD Saviour with a MMRB Elite perhaps? Haha!
Xx
Hi TS,
“Cognitive empathy facilitates being considerate, the psychopath understands what it means to be considerate…but there’s no drive to do so as there often would be with an empathic individual, nothing about the considerate action is automatic.” — That makes sense to me.
“There was another example about the psychopath going to get Chinese takeaway with her neurotypical friend after an evening out. The neurotypical friend would order her take out but call or text the psychopath’s husband to see if he wanted anything bringing home. The psychopath herself never thought to do it and he was her husband haha! It made me think.” — Did the husband know she was a psychopath when they married? The way you mentioned her “keeping her end of the bargain” makes me think he did.
“The narcissist is different because that feel good factor is there in the form of fuel, so there is a form of reward for considerate behaviour, but I still see it as requiring effort, there’s no genuine drive to be considerate even during the golden period.” — I agree. Nothing genuine about it.
“Also, I thought later that the narcissist often has more than one candidate so energy will be spent across two or three individuals at the point of seduction.” — But there will be incoming fuel from more intimate partners. And I think HG has said that sex gets a lot of fuel…but I don’t know how quickly it fades away for him…not as quickly as it does for a pure narcissist, owing to his psychopathy.
“The fuel received from the ‘seductees’ would be intermittent, sometimes not proximate and less potent due to lower position in the fuel matrix. The seduction is described as a blitzkrieg, that’s a lot of energy expenditure.” — But there are more fuel sources, so it might equal out a bit. I would think the narcissist would need to keep at roughly the same fuel levels as what they’re used to. Though, from the Amber Heard videos, it seems that narcissists can adjust down to a lower level…or get their needs met by fewer, yet more potent, sources even after being used to a huge helping from tertiary sources (world media outlets, followers on social media, etc.)
“…the CoD is geared to serving the needs of the narcissist, they gain validation by doing so more than the other schools.” — True, but if a narcissist prefers more games…I think it would differ.
“They would therefore likely threaten control less often. Repeated threat to control is a devaluation trigger. So on that basis alone you might expect the SE to catch that trigger earlier.” — With a majority super, yes…because I understand from the recent series that the majority operates differently (more triggers; potential of going supernova is higher, too, I would think).
“Fuel turning stale I think would apply to all schools of empath roughly equally.” — I think the geyser cadre might have more of a problem with that than others…because they give so much.
“The empath becoming aware that something isn’t right with the relationship is another trigger that might be activated sooner by the SE.” — True. Or the SE sees what a pain in the ass the narc is and they say…’oh hell no…I’m not stickin’ around for this.’
“It very much depends on school of narcissist also as you suggest. A CoD Saviour with a MMRB Elite perhaps? Haha!” — Replace elite with somatic, and I’m wondering if that’s the dynamic between Harry and HW.
Phew, reading what you wrote here – I stated for the 5.345.672 time, that I am a Narcissist.
Luckily, an apple saved me 🙂
—–
We used to walk from the N2 past a vegetable shop. I saw beautiful, dark red apples with the words “I LOVE YOU” (the skin in place of the letters was green). It was Mother’s Day. I immediately went in and bought one apple for my mother, a wide smile appeared on my face and I couldn’t wait 🙂 N2 also bought an apple, after a while – for his mother. He gave this apple to his mother, next to me. Her reaction was terrible. She threw the apple into the basket with other apples and completely ignored him. She knew, he would never have come up with this idea on his own.
Of course, I flooded him with maternal and protective emotions, I felt so sorry for him at the time.
Completely unnecessary. Both are indifferent to such gestures. Set of gold jewelry would probably get a little better response – at least she could wear it, like a magpie, or tell her friends what a great son she has.
Hi Dani,
Sorry for the delay in responding, I didn’t receive a notification.
In answer to your question, the husband knew his partner was a psychopath before he married her. It’s quite interesting. She is formerly diagnosed, high functioning, pro social, raised by loving parents. She jokingly comments that she is surprised they didn’t drown her as a child as raising a ‘psychopathic child’ is no picnic, though it’s Conduct Disorder until the child reaches adulthood.
What I know about the relationship.
She views it very much as an agreement with parameters that she agrees to and abides by. She recognises that her husband has emotional needs that must be considered for the relationship to function successfully. He recognises her emotional limitations. She prefers to have him in her life than out of it. She explains that she does not experience emotional love which she refers to as ‘chemical love.’ She has high levels of cognitive empathy and is therefore able to offer ‘intentional love’. This requires a sustained effort on her part. She readily admits that nothing about consideration for others comes naturally. Most of the time she wears the psychopaths mask when around him but occasionally she goes without. To be without mask regularly would not be conducive to his needs so for the most part it is kept on. The husband is not overly emotional or ‘needy’ in terms of emotional content. She is there because she wants to be. No loyalty, no obligation but a recognition of the fact that he is her chosen life partner and as such both must make compromises so that both get their needs met.
She was asked how she would feel if he died. She responded that she would feel nothing at all. She was asked how she would feel if he cheated. Firstly she answered that he wouldn’t cheat. I confused this for trust which psychopaths are incapable of experiencing. It wasn’t trust, it was an estimation of probability given how well she knows him! When pressed she responded “ It would just be “Ok, cya”then she commented there is no jealousy, there would be no hurt or anger just a response to the deal being broken. The best part being that as soon as he moved his stuff out it would be highly unlikely she would ever think about him again, he would never enter into her head, same in the event of his death. Her husband understands that this is the case, accepts that this is as a result of her psychopathy.
She has two cats and a dog. She has pets so that she has to care for them. It’s an effort, again, she meets their needs and pets are something to do. She knows everything about them, they entertain her. When one of her cats died, she went straight out and replaced it because ‘ I like having cats.”
It’s interesting. In many ways the relationship, the continued effort it takes to maintain it I think alleviates the boredom. Intentional love is an investment on her part. It takes a lot of effort. In some ways I think that is quite romantic. Maybe that’s how her husband views it too.
Agree, the Geyser empath might find themselves in devaluation faster than other cadres. Also take your point about several sources of positive fuel being incoming when the narcissist is recruiting for a new IPPS. I think narcissists must be able to live with fuel fluctuations otherwise narcissists would suffer break downs in prisons. You would expect a fairly high percentage of the prison population to be narcissists so there must be a degree of flexibility within the fuel matrix depending on necessity.
Xx
Did it again. ‘Dani’. I swear I see it as soon as I hit ‘send’ !
Xx
Don’t worry about it, TS. 🙃