Knowing the Narcissist : The Asylum of the Grotesque : Valerie


Only a few individuals have spent time with me at the countryside idyll where the asylum of the grotesque is to be found. One such individual was Valerie, an IPSS who I was having an affair with whilst I was married. It suited me to have the liaison at this place when my then wife was away on the other side of the world.

After having had Valerie and satisfied her, we walked along a long corridor in the property providing me with an opportunity to rhapsodise on certain themes. I wanted to observe her reaction to these themes, to gauge her and to allow her into my world that little bit more, to see if she could tolerate more.

“In the realm of morality, the concept of evil has long fascinated and intrigued both scholars and individuals alike,” I began as she listened attentively.

“ While the pursuit of goodness and righteousness is often emphasized, it is equally important to explore the darker aspects of human nature.. By delving into the depths of malevolence, we can gain a deeper comprehension of the human psyche and the choices that shape our existence.

Evil, as defined by societal norms, encompasses actions and intentions that cause harm, suffering, and destruction. It is right to explore the mindset and strategies employed by those who embrace evil. By examining the motivations, methods, and consequences of evil acts, we can gain insight into the complexities of human nature and the allure of darkness.

Evil often stems from a deep-rooted sense of self-centeredness. By prioritizing personal desires and disregarding the well-being of others, individuals can indulge in acts of evil. For instance, a demon may encourage humans to exploit their fellow beings for personal gain, leading to avarice, deceit, and manipulation. The pursuit of power, wealth, and dominance becomes paramount, regardless of the consequences inflicted upon others.

Evil thrives on manipulation and deception. A demon, well-versed in these arts, would encourage individuals to exploit the vulnerabilities of others for their own benefit. By sowing seeds of doubt, spreading false information, or manipulating emotions, one can control and manipulate others to fulfill their wicked desires. This can be seen in instances of political manipulation, fraud, or even in personal relationships where trust is exploited for personal gain.

Evil revels in the suffering of others. A demon would advocate for the deliberate infliction of pain, both physical and emotional, upon unsuspecting victims. This can manifest in acts of violence, cruelty, or sadism. By deriving pleasure from the suffering of others, individuals can tap into their darkest desires and embrace their malevolent nature.

While the pursuit of goodness and righteousness is often championed, it is essential to explore the depths of evil to gain a comprehensive understanding of human nature. By embracing selfishness, manipulation, and the infliction of suffering, individuals can delve into the realm of evil.”

I stopped and looked at her intently.

“Why did you keep mentioning a demon?” she asked.

I smiled, my eyes darkening.

“Are you familiar with the asylum of the grotesque,” I responded, not answering her question. She did not protest as she continued to gaze at me, as if hypnotized.

“No, what is it?” she asked innocently. I began to walk again and she did likewise, slowly walking besides me.

“The asylum of the grotesque is a concept that has fascinated artists, writers, and philosophers for centuries. It is a realm where the boundaries of normality are shattered, and the strange and bizarre take center stage,” I explained.


“The asylum of the grotesque is a space where the unconventional, the abnormal, and the unsettling find refuge. It is a realm that challenges societal norms and expectations, allowing for the exploration of the human condition in all its complexity. Through its depiction of the grotesque, this asylum offers a unique perspective on the world, forcing us to confront our fears, desires, and vulnerabilities.

The asylum of the grotesque serves as a powerful tool for subverting established norms and conventions. By presenting the abnormal and the strange, it challenges our preconceived notions of beauty, morality, and acceptability. Artists like Hieronymus Bosch and Francisco Goya used grotesque imagery to critique the hypocrisy and corruption of their societies. Their works, such as Bosch’s “The Garden of Earthly Delights” and Goya’s “The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters,” expose the dark underbelly of human nature and question the very foundations of civilization.

The asylum of the grotesque provides a mirror to the human psyche, revealing the deepest fears, desires, and anxieties. It allows us to confront the aspects of ourselves that we often suppress or deny. In literature, authors like Franz Kafka and Edgar Allan Poe explored the grotesque to delve into the complexities of the human mind. Kafka’s “The Metamorphosis” portrays the transformation of a man into a giant insect, reflecting the alienation and existential angst experienced by many individuals. Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart” delves into the depths of guilt and madness, exposing the dark recesses of the human soul.

The asylum of the grotesque offers a sense of liberation from societal expectations and conformity. It celebrates the unconventional and the marginalized, providing a space for the outcasts and the misfits. In the world of cinema, directors like David Lynch and Tim Burton have embraced the grotesque to create unique and captivating narratives. Lynch’s “Eraserhead” and Burton’s “Edward Scissorhands” both feature protagonists who are outsiders, challenging societal norms and finding solace in their own peculiarities.

The asylum of the grotesque is a realm that defies categorization and challenges our perceptions of normality. It serves as a powerful tool for subversion, reflecting the complexities of the human psyche, and offering liberation from societal conformity. Through art, literature, and cinema, the grotesque allows us to explore the depths of  fears, desires, and vulnerabilities. It is a space where the strange and the bizarre find solace, and where the boundaries of the human experience are pushed to their limits. In embracing the asylum of the grotesque, we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us.»


I stopped at a door, a locked door.


“Would you like to enter the asylum of the grotesque?” I asked Valerie who I noted was clutching at my arm, a look of anguish sweeping her face.


“Something isn´t right,” she said quietly.


“Must be the demons,” I said softly as I turned her face to mine…..

227 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : The Asylum of the Grotesque : Valerie

  1. Duchessbea says:

    @Witch, relax, take a chill pill. No need to get all hot and bothered. Each of us read the article and each of us formed our own opinion. If you don’t like my opinion, that is okay. If you feel offended or triggered in any way, or if the story resonates with you and you feel hurt, that was never my intention towards anyone, when writing my opinion. Hope you are doing okay.

  2. Jalleh Doty says:

    Hi Mr Tudor, I know you’ve said time and again that in order to stop dealing with a narcissist you have to go no contact with them. Thankfully from your work I figured out the type of Narc I was dealing with and have managed to ‘largely’ go no contact with them. Unfortunately, I can’t go 100% no contact with them as I had gotten roped into dealing with a property responsibility issue with them and at the time nobody listened to me that I didn’t want to deal with this mid-range narc and too this day I feel stuck in that dept. So, my question is this, I know 100% is the ideal outcome in dealing with a narc, but what about if you can’t go ‘no contact’ 100% because you have to share a responsibility with them per say? Would like your thoughts.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is a matter for consultation so I can ascertain more about your situation and provide you with a suitable detailed reply.

  3. Witch says:

    “Would you like to enter the asylum of the grotesque?” I asked Valerie who I noted was clutching at my arm, a look of anguish sweeping her face.

    This is so funny to me because it reminds me so much of the arrogance and grandiosity of the narc ex.
    He would often speak like he was educating me from a position of authority like that of a father.
    It’s so cringe that I have to laugh and well… ick!

    1. Joa says:

      Witch, you made me laugh. N2 also had such inserts 🙂

      Sometimes I liked them (sometimes it’s nice to feel like a child, for a while), and sometimes I said: “Shut up” and I laughed too 🙂

      The funniest thing was, when he would repeat my own thoughts and words (which he had previously ignored and “not noticed”), only to repeat them to me as his own after some time (even six months later). He has a good memory. Rogue! 🙂

      I was full of admiration for “his” words. (Most importantly for me, he assimilated it!).

      On the other hand, everyone absorbs different content from other people. Processes, adds, mixes, duplicates.

      1. Witch says:


        Nah, I hated it
        He didn’t have the intelligence to give me a whole lecture about art. But he still had the arrogance in the way he would say things. So even if he was saying something stupid, he would say it as if he thought he was an expert and no one could possibly challenge him.
        Maybe I could respect it more if what he said was actually worth listening to, even if he sounded like a pretentious cunt but I’m grateful he was an idiot because it meant he couldn’t fuck with me as much psychologically even if I had to keep some of my thoughts to myself to avoid his tantrums

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Mine would take my opinion on art after visiting an art gallery together, totally plagiarize me, and post my comments as his on his Facebook status. And then show me, expecting me to say “oh my goodness, I adore you!” Upper Lessers’ minds can’t stretch much further. I should have said something completely stupid the next time to let him ridicule himself, but there was no next time.

  4. Dani says:

    Beautifully written. Superlatively narrated. You’re exceptionally gifted with words. I find this piece beautiful and sinister simultaneously, Sir.

    1. How long had you been using Valerie as a IPSS before you took her there?
    2. Do you monologue frequently with IPPSs/IPSSs?
    3. Was this a test of how Valerie responded?
    4. Was Valerie ever a candidate IPPS?
    5. What type of empath was Valerie?
    6. Do you still interact with Valerie in person/via the phone/email/etc?

    Thank you for your time, sir. Much appreciated.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Several months.
      2. Yes.
      3. Yes.
      4. Yes.
      5. Standard Magnet
      6. Yes.

      1. Dani says:

        Thank you, sir! Much appreciated.

        1. Does whether a prospective IPPS finds you to be edgy or more frightening play a role in who you choose to promote?
        2. If yes to 1, which one do you prefer or does it vary?

        Thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it.

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. Dani says:

            Thank you, sir.

      2. Isabelle says:

        Very silly and superficial questions here, HG:
        1. Was Valerie her actual name?
        2. If it was, was/is she French?
        3. And if not French, may I ask what nationality? (It’s just that “valerie” is not very common in the UK, to my knowledge.)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not silly at all, Isabelle.

          1. No.
          2. No.
          3. British.

  5. Anna says:

    How interesting. Thank you HG again for an excellent blog entry.

    I myself have visited many asylums of the grotesque, and lived to tell the tale. I have even danced with the creature within. Not one for the faint hearted, may I add.

    Strength comes from being able to control yourself and despite all the evil to remain good. To not let it twist you. Stronger still is to come back from the darkness and once again step into the light but understanding that both exist to maintain an equilibrium.

    1. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Anna, I find what you said very intriguing, could you please provide more details about the asylums you visited?

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Thank you for voicing the question, SP, yeah, I wanna know too (grinning).

      2. Anna says:

        Sweetest Perfection.

        Do you like horror stories? These Hollywood movies sum up the psychological terror I experienced. I would rather not talk about the personal experience.

        Twin Peaks Fire walk with me
        The Popes Exorcist
        American Horror Story Asylum and Coven
        Demon Knight

        I like the quote from Batman
        “Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

        Yes, and I lived to tell.

        Like that Madonna song…..

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Anna, I do love horror stories, I do enjoy eerie tales, and the best way to generate interest about a story is to do exactly what you just did: mention how horrible it was and then say you can’t talk about it. Now, please, tell us!!!! Don’t leave us with this suspense!

          1. Anna says:

            Ah Sweetest Perfection. Human beings and their morbid curiosity. It is like we are programmed to sit around the campfire telling ghost stories with wide eyes.

            Noone is really interested in nice stories or nice things. One of the reasons bad people are the most famous people in the world. It is sad indeed. Bad things should never be forgotten, history should be learned from and not repeated.

            I wrote poetry about my ordeal, it was a great catharsis. I have shared with people including HG, but it is not something for this blog.

            Firstly, this is HG’s blog, secondly it is way too dark and I am not really comfortable with sharing it on a public blog. It is private to me.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Yes, keep the poetry to yourself.

          3. Anna says:

            Quote from HG “Yes, keep the poetry to yourself.”

            Wise words HG, as always. I have only shared some of my poetry, 3 people have read some of it. Not many, and you are one of those 3.
            It was not meant for others, it was meant for me as part of my therapy.

        2. Anna says:

          I forgot one

          The Lovely Bones

          The film is good, but the book is better.

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Speaking of stories, you’re not gonna believe this just happened to me: yesterday, I went downtown with my mom to have lunch and enjoy time together (I’m visiting my family at the moment). After we ate, we walked past a comic bookstore that sells and buys old comics so I wanted to see if I felt like buying some (I love readings comics since I was very little). I saw a volume of comics by a very famous caricaturist from my childhood and was tempted to buy it, but then realized I would have to carry it all over the city until we returned home. So I asked the owner to keep it for me and I would return later. I forgot so I went back the following morning (today). The store owner brought it back and as he charged me, he said: “good idea to have this volume to remember his work.” I asked what he meant. The caricaturist just passed away yesterday, a few hours after I visited the store!!!

          2. Rebecca says:


            The Madonna song, LIVE TO TELL, was on a soundtrack to the movie by the same name and the movie was based on a true story. The family lived in PA and when the movie came out, I was living in PA, not far from the farm area it all happened in, talk about being close to it all. I enjoy some horror movies, just went to see, The Red Door….some of the parts through my fingers and a lot of screaming from fright and huddling in my seat with my eyes closed, asking in a whisper, is he out from under the bed yet? 😬😳

    2. Joa says:

      Anna, I agree with what you wrote.

      I would add that each time the darkness is brighter…

      And I’m not entirely convinced that balance is necessary.
      Evil is not necessary. Maybe just to remind us… and stay vigilant.

      1. Anna says:

        Joa, I agree evil is not necessary but it is there.

        Strangely evil is cold.

        Absolutely stay vigilant. It is so important to teach people from a young age about how dangerous people can be. We forget when we live in a bubble of civilisation how dangerous the world can be.
        Lions and tigers and bears…oh my…

        1. Contagious says:

          I think all you need today is turn on the news. Especially in US, mass shootings daily. Evil. Although some would say mental illness like the man who dressed as the joker in Colorado and shot up a movie theater. The system found him sane based in the definition of knowing what you did was wrong and there was evidence lots it was planned. There used to be asylums now we dump everyone on the street to let the “ family” deal with it. I think of Mick Jagger singing” it’s you and me.” Sympathy for the devil. It’s cliche that mental health assistance is needed but alas that ship has sailed sadly.

  6. Anna Plyance says:

    Dear HG, on the positive side, you are getting a reaction, on the negative side – well, that is for you to decide. If I am out of bounds, which I may well be, I am offering my apologies in advance.
    “The asylum of the grotesque offers a sense of liberation from societal expectations and conformity” – true, but only as long as you spend the majority of your time outside of it. If you dwell there for prolonged periods or permanently, it will quickly become the new normal, maybe even the new boring, all those misfits and outcasts might begin to appear rather bourgeois, and you are simply exchanging one set of expectations for another.
    Gaining a deeper understanding of the human psyche by exploring “evil” – that seems sensible to me as far as “examining the motivations, methods, and consequences” goes. But when it comes to “embracing selfishness, manipulation, and the infliction of suffering” in actual deeds – to put it in rather simplistic terms, that sounds a bit like saying that in order to be a world-class swimmer you need to be an expert in drowning, or in order to really understand piano playing you need to have burned at least one, or in order to be a good doctor you need to make lots of people really sick. I have yet to hear one mass murderer (if you will allow me to use such as a placeholder for “evil”) claim that in order to be a complete murderer you have to explore being a saint.
    If you want to be malevolent, selfish, evil (as it is conventionally understood), go right ahead. You have the same right to make that decision as anybody else has to make a different one, and we make a new decision every day. But, frankly, stating its purpose is gaining “a comprehensive understanding of human nature” smells like a cop-out to me. You do not need anyone’s “blessing” to be what you want to be, least of all mine. But please do not tell me it is done for the sake of scientific exploration. I do not buy it, and I am not fully convinced that you buy it, either.

    1. Trev says:

      This comment is out of bounds as per your responsibilities as an appliance. Corrective devaluation incoming…

      1. Anna Plyance says:

        These newfangled appliances… must be an AI glitch. Or something went terribly wrong with that advertising bot.

        1. Trev says:

          Ok Anna dvertisingbot you may repent .
          I don’t think it necessarily follows that you have to experience evil. It’s just a way of getting what he wants and whether it is 100% logical?…he doesn’t care.

    2. Joa says:

      I agree. A lame excuse. Human nature and the depth of evil are already well known – it is enough to reach for the grotesque and the memory of generations. Just… find out.

      Unless you are a bad student and you have to check everything organoleptically (like a small child or a doubter). But this is not a question of research, but ignorance of the experiences of generations, lack of trust, personal superiority and excessive curiosity or predilection.

      “Curiosity is the first step to hell” – was one of my father’s (stepfather’s) favorite sayings.


      As for the demon. I think it has become very fashionable. My gosh, so many people have and fight a personal demon. And certainly almost every man. The demon has become synonymous with inner depth (often where there is none). I yawn, when I hear the word “demon”.

      You can’t fight yourself. You just choose. That’s what humanity is – it’s a choice – based on everything you know, what you’ve learned, what’s been written down, shown and passed on.

    3. Contagious says:

      Anna: I think we will see more about AI in this particular part of the blog! Consider the recent Hollywood actors strike. The owners of the studio want extras to agree to payment to scan them and use this scan in AI in eternity. It would eliminate the use of extras. Hollywood actors want AI regulated referring to black mirrors newest series. There is already a lawsuit on copyright infringement on the use of an actors image. Both writers and actors want AI severely restricted as a threat to their industry and this along with percentages on streaming series which has challenged the film industry ( go to a theatre, ghost town). AI is already heavily in use in gaming. Yet one industry head he will wait it out until people lose their homes and apartments. It is a nasty fight with Bob Igor from Disney who made 57 million in two years saying it’s the wrong time and “disruptive.” This fight is the first in a grotesque war of humans rights and AI. No doubt future material for the blog.

  7. Trev says:

    is there going to be a sequel which spells out what she experienced after?
    Was it more than just shouting about breakfast not being made correct;y?

    1. Joa says:

      A field for the imagination. It’s much better.

      1. Trev says:

        I don’t want to imagine that! Whatever it is. I’d rather just imagine she got away quickly.

  8. Duchessbea says:

    HG, goodness only knows what was behind that door, and this might come across as a rather impertinent question, but, just wondering if Valerie is still in the land of the living. Your ex wife, did she ever find out about your affairs and more importantly, did she ever see, and discover the real you.

    1. Joa says:

      There is no real HG…

      Though I still find it hard to understand.

      What are these masks, personalities, facade holding on to? There must be a core… There must be.


      I can’t understand, with my little mind, only two things. Both cause me irritation, anxiety, reluctance and irritation again. I don’t like to think about it.

      1. Where the universe ends. Incomprehensible to my brain. The more I think, the more I circle. I don’t like any concept.
      (Don’t talk to me! Don’t pretend you understand! Shove your math and physics formulas up your ass, curled ends, walk away or I’m going to be damned, ohhh boom!)

      2. Lack of personality in Narcissists. No human in human. It’s incomprehensible and impossible. IM-PO-SSI-BLE.

      1. A Victor says:

        The lack of personality in narcissists is incomprehensible but not impossible. I would not speak to the narcs from your life, but the ones I’ve been involved with literally have no real self. Only that which they can steal from another and attach to themselves. It’s crazy but it’s true. Years before I learned about narcissism I told my dad that my mother had nothing real under all her role labels, ie, wife, mother, daughter, aunt etc. I could see her emptiness back then. He didn’t understand but only much later, after I got to narcsite, did I learn that he was the same but just able to hide it better. It is unbelievable but I now believe it is possible.

        1. Joa says:

          AV, yes, I know what you describe perfectly. Empty, nothing – I’ve seen it many times. I always told N2, he’d go where they’d take him.

          I understand that. I feel cold, pain, disgust and many other emotions – in contact with this emptiness. But these are my own emotions in contact with it. But I don’t feel, what it’s like to have this emptiness. I have to feel almost like someone, to understand him completely.
          Therefore, this issue will remain incomprehensible to me.

          1. A Victor says:

            Joa, I think I get it. Thank you for the further description, I do understand that. I cannot “be” empty in that way. Even when I did not feel I had a sense of self, I was not empty like my mother. In that way, yes, incomprehensible.

      2. Duchessbea says:

        Joa, wow, you are on dangerous territory there. The thinking mind on the empath. Bare in mind that the great man himself is the invigilator of this site. To suggest that he does not exist surely must in someway hurt his superiority. I respect HG for who he is and his incredible work ethic and for the assistance he provides to so many and will continue to provide to a lot. I have an idea of what HG could possible look like, a modern day James Bond, smooth, textured, fit as fcuk, with a sophisticated charisma, on entering a bar can get every woman’s ‘lady garden’ fluttering. To think there is nothing there, that is a quandary. The true empaths among us, would be drawn to his magnetism, but would be aware of something being very off. The aware empaths, would be swiftly moving towards the door without a second glance. When you know, you go. There is truth in what you say Joa, but also a lot of eggshell walking. Everything you say is spot on, as I am sure HG would agree. No doubt on reading your comment, he had a glass or two of brandy for shock and to recover.

        1. Joa says:

          Duchessbea, I didn’t say HG doesn’t exist.

          You wrote to HG if his wife ever discovered the “real you”.

          I replied that there is no real HG – in terms of personality and a solid inner core. In a word, HG’s wife could not discover the “real HG”, only the part, that he himself decided to expose for her. Both in the golden period and in devaluation.


          Yes, HG exists as a physical person – or group of people.

          James Bond – this comparison comes here too often, is it really the ideal man for 90% of women? 🙂 He’s quite… a fantastic hero…

          I look at it a bit differently, I don’t take everything that is written here quite seriously. Too many experiences with people like HG.

          But it is curious and interesting here, I admit. And there’s also the educational value – something I take out of it for myself.


          I don’t think my statement made any impression on HG, let alone shocked him. I’m just repeating what I’ve learned here.

        2. annaamel says:

          ‘The true empaths among us, would be drawn to his magnetism, but would be aware of something being very off. The aware empaths, would be swiftly moving towards the door without a second glance.’

          It’d be nice if it were this straightforward but I feel sure that no empaths, even aware ones, would notice anything off about HG if they met him in a bar. Not only does he invest effort to ensure this is the case, but empaths are the very people who are so susceptible to the charms of the narcissist. Empaths are great at some things. Resisting narcissistic manipulations is not one of them.

          ‘on entering a bar can get every woman’s ‘lady garden’ fluttering.’


          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Except for the fact that I can’t hold a drink without shaking when I am in front of a narc. I noticed this with two people and both were confirmed to be narcissists on the ND. I am sure I would spill my glass of wine all over HG. Big mistake.

          2. Duchessbea says:

            annaamel, I fully agree, HG is the master, but, no matter how good HG is at charm and charisma and smooze, he would fail in one particular important area. They all do. There is only so much fake. If you are, you will know.

  9. Trev says:

    this is something i thought about recently. This pushing of the envelope by artists by begrudgingly accepted for centuries. But when someone comes out against the transgendering of children, the same people who defend grotesque art come out against that form of expression.
    One minute they are strict adherants to freedom of expression , but then not the next minute.

    1. Contagious says:

      Trev what I find “funny” is people who worry about trans, burn books, do nothing about guns that kill kids in the US

  10. Allison says:

    In Heaven everything is fine…

  11. Sweetest Perfection says:

    SP: “I find this conversation extremely sexy.” And then, nobody saw her again…

    1. WhoCares says:

      Hahaha, SP.

  12. JB says:

    Blimey, HG, I would have been terrified!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      An accurate response.

      1. Rebecca says:

        I find grave markers beautifully haunting ,especially angel statues. I even have angel statues in my garden, looks like a cemetery rose garden, all that’s missing are the bodies. I have pets buried here, that’s the only bodies, so I guess the bodies aren’t missing after all. 😬 I like this new series, it’s like Halloween came early and I love Halloween! Xx ❤️ ❤️

        1. Joa says:

          Oh, no! 🙂

          My grandma had statues of angels in her garden! 🙂
          And even one large statue of an angel with a child came from a cemetery, because she was sentimentally attached to it.

          Quite often she also brought flowers from the cemetery…

          She was the last living in her generation (family, friends, lovers). Only then did she give up. Physically, she was still in perfect shape.

          I miss you… grandma…

      2. Rebecca says:


        I would have been frightened, but my curiosity would win out and I’d want to see anyway.. my need to know and see….Oh, what’s this? Let’s have a lookie….🙄xx

      3. Rebecca says:

        Is this part of the THREE THAT GOT AWAY?? Is this another list of IPSS’s??xx

        I do need to purchase The Three that got away. Xx

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is separate.

          1. Rebecca says:

            Thank you HG, for clearing up my confusion. Xx

  13. WhoCares says:

    Delightful reading, HG.

    More please!

    1. Rebecca says:

      I agree with you, WhoCares, delightful and more please?? HG, I want to know more….xx

  14. MB says:

    New piece? I really enjoyed reading it, terrifying as it is! Did Valerie know you were married, HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Glad you did. Yes, the naughty slut.

      1. MB says:

        I’m sure she thought she could save you from the mistreatment you were facing from your wife. (Like all us misguided Dirty Empaths before we found your work.)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I did not go down the mistreatment road MB, rather the boredom route.

          1. MB says:

            Nothing makes a DE feel more special than to tickle the fancy of a bored husband. “She only ever wants missionary.” will do it every time! Ha ha

          2. WhoCares says:

            The mistreatment road is the well trodden avenue of midrange narcs.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Correct – “my wife doesn’t understand me.”

          4. WhoCares says:

            Thank-you, HG.

          5. Witch says:


            I think I am some what of a dirty empath because I scored quite high on infidelity on the trait detector but I still can’t see myself as someone who would be with a married man…I don’t like men enough as people to make one feel that good about himself by allowing him to have 2 women.
            I just don’t find them to be as considerate and thoughtful as women on average so why would they deserve 2 women?
            The ones that are the most considerate and thoughtful, are loyal

      2. KitKat says:

        Just the way you like ‘em

        1. Duchessbea says:

          Ohh to be a fly on the wall of HG’s ex wife. You can only imagine what she would say. Where would my sympathy lie, well, it’s obvious, with HG’s wife everytime. The first time he cheated which no doubt was before and after marriage, my sympathy for his ex wife has just gone up in spades. Of course, don’t get me wrong, no offence intended towards you HG. After all I can only imagine how hard it was for you. Poor thing. I can only imagine how many women you horizontally danced with to get over it. Poor thing. Hope you are okay now. Hope you are enjoying the summer. Any holidays planned?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            There was nothing to get over, which you really ought to know by now given the amount of time you have been here, yet, your failure to recognise this is emblematic of you.

          2. Carole says:

            Dutchessbea, I am slightly confused by this, firstly HG repeatedly tells us that he is void of certain feelings and he has no remorse for anything that he has done, thus I feel that your comment is just a way of provoking him, which is unnecessary.
            Secondly, can you cheat after a marriage has ended ? Once the relationship is over, it is over.

          3. Rebecca says:


            DB likes to poke the bear, aka HG….there are a few on the blog, who try poking the bear and its amusing because HG just doesn’t get bothered by them. Xx HG remains like a mountain, unmoved and unconcerned. Xx

      3. WiserNow says:

        Was Valerie married at the time?

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. WiserNow says:

            I see, thanks for providing that information, HG.

            At the time you took Valerie to your countryside idyll, how long had you been having an affair with her? Were you still in the love-bombing phase?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Several months.
            She was in the golden period.

          3. Duchessbea says:

            HG, was Valerie aware that you were married, or were you giving her the sob story of how your wife doesn’t understand you and that your marriage is over. If she was aware that you were married, she certainly showed no respect for your wife, or herself. You know how to choose them. I would ask if you felt bad cheating on your wife, but well, we already know the answer. The question that intrigues me is this, how would you have felt if it was the other way around and you became aware that your wife was cheating on you, with anything that moved? Would you have felt anything? Or just straight to discard.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            She knows I was married.
            I do not do sob stories, you ought to know that by now and demonstrates your lack of attention and application.
            Why would she cheat when she has me?

    2. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Was Valerie married HG?

      1. HG Tudor says:


        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Thank you for answering HG.

          Following a similar train of thought, did Valerie inform anyone that she was meeting you at your home that weekend?
          Would you have been confident that no one knew where she was?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            She did not know she was attending that property and therefore could not inform anybody.

          2. Rebecca says:

            Oh, that’s very clever of you. The Rolling Stone’s song, Sympathy for the Devil, comes to mind…. 😆 xx

          3. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Thank you again HG.

            I’m sure the fact that no one knew where Valerie was would play on her mind a little.

      2. Duchessbea says:

        HG, the sharpness of your words – how the blood boils on reading this ‘why would she cheat when she has me’? I mean the gall, the brass neck!!! Love yourself much. You must be an incredible seducer and unbelievable between the sheets. I don’t think much of Valerie, first because she knew you were married but secondly, because she didn’t respect the fact that you were a married man and that you have a wife and she still jumped into bed with you. Valerie quite clearly has no morals or values. Any person with no morals or values, is not worth knowing anyway. Perfect candidate for your pleasure. Valerie, to me, seems like an easy mark, a few choice words, and she is in the sack. The woman you married is a different kettle of fish. I would say, the woman you married is more of a challenge. An impeccable woman, good background, very well educated and very successful. Afterall, her achievements and accomplishments must be acknowledged and celebrated as though they are your own, and be almost as good as, if not equal to your own. I can’t see you marrying a somewhat mousy woman. There would be no challenge in that for you. I think you were married to a very successful and strong woman and the challenge in that for you was how much you would get away with, almost laughing at her behind her back with all the affairs you were having, including I would have no doubt her female relatives and friends. No one was off limits to you. To sleep with her best friend – the ultimate for you. To have a threesome with her and another friend – mind blowing. My reason for asking said question of how would you feel, is simple. Your answer was what I thought it would be and more. Yes you don’t do sob stories, but realistically, hypothetically speaking, if you had found out that your wife had cheated, it is ingrained in you for vengeance. You could not and would not let that slide. Not a greater. No way. You would dominate and obliterate her in the divorce and the guy she would have been with, might as well hibernate to get away from you. Your character would not be the kind to walk off into the sunset. You would be plotting and scheming like there was no tomorrow. The main reason was, he entered your territory. Your wife broke her promise. The victim playing you would do, you would be an Academy Award Winner. The fact you had affairs left, right and centre, makes no difference and means nothing. It’s the fact that your wife, your property, enjoyed a night of passion with another man. That is what you would not be able to handle. Understandably so.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          DB, I see a lot of inquisitorial judgement against Valerie without knowing her and an unfounded elevation of HG’s ex-wife purely based on societal norms. The only person implied in the love triangle we “know” is HG, and we also know when he wants to seduce someone, resistance is futile. But also remember he is the one who was cheating on his wife, Valerie was single. Is really Valerie the one who does not have any morals? She may have fallen for him and created false expectations of becoming his new partner (in fact he admitted she was candidate IPPS at some point). Let us stop pontificating the virtues of a good wife and demonizing the other woman when it is the husband the one who is incapable of maintaining fidelity, please. Also, there are many women in this blog who are married and fell for the empty allure of a narcissist, or who got ensnared by one who, as in this case, was married already. Do we want to make survivors of narcissist abuse also judged from your own moral values without even knowing the individual situation? I would be very careful with those accusations.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            A logical approach.

          2. KitKat says:

            Fuck yes SP, preach

          3. Duchessbea says:

            Hi Sweetest Perfection, I agree with some of what you say. But I wasn’t making any accusations, that was purely my opinion on what I read, and on what I thought about the situation. I didn’t accuse Valerie of being anything, because I don’t know her. I merely gave my opinion on Valerie’s behaviour. I don’t judge anyone, but in the post by HG, he said that Valerie was aware that he was married, that was why I gave my opinion on that. I see your opinion and where you are coming from, and by all means you have made some fair points. But I made my points purely on what I read. It was my opinion. HG, should be held to account aswell, I am aware of that. But having done that previously, it means nothing to him. HG purely saw Valerie as a means to an end. Yes, she might have been on the IPPS radar, but eventually she didn’t get there. It takes two to tango. Valerie was probably hoping it would go somewhere, HG had other ideas. Again, just my opinion.
            You have to remember that HG is great with all of us, but in the real world you are dealing with a different scenario, and the real lothario that is HG, is in ‘game on’ mode all the time. I don’t like to say it, but realistically, how many of you think HG has been faithful to Sheildmaiden? I would like to think he has, but knowing the man he is, that is a highly unlikely prospect. Shame, but it is reality. Again, just my opinion. Perhaps you think differently.
            (I don’t think it is right and don’t agree with extra-marital affairs. The innocent parties at either end, be it the wife or the mistress, it is not right the hurt and pain that is caused. Looking at it from HG’s point of view, he had his fun, he is okay, he does not care either way. Is that right of me to say that, probably not, some people will get offended, and I am sure there are some people who are on this site, who had an affair with a narcissist and was treated exactly like Valerie, my heart goes out to you if you were, but I am not sitting here judging any of you or comparing anybody to Valerie. Far from it. I was in a similar position to HG’s wife, so I know what it feels like from that point of view. Everyone has a little part to play in something like that. Again not throwing accusations at anyone, just my opinion).

        2. Witch says:


          “ Valerie quite clearly has no morals or values. Any person with no morals or values, is not worth knowing anyway.”

          That is a judgment and not a fair one at that

        3. Sweetest Perfection says:

          “Valerie quite clearly has no morals or values.”
          “ Perfect candidate for your pleasure. Valerie, to me, seems like an easy mark, a few choice words, and she is in the sack.”
          “The woman you married is a different kettle of fish. I would say, the woman you married is more of a challenge. An impeccable woman, good background, very well educated and very successful.”

          We know nothing about Valerie or the wife. Yet, Valerie is easy to put in the sack with words because she lacks morals. That could be your opinion, but it is a judgmental one, you are projecting your negative feelings based on your experience.

          I am sorry, I know perfectly well how heartbreaking finding that out is. I was completely anti-cheating and thought my faithfulness was absolutely unbreakable. And then it happened to me: I cheated. With a narc.
          I am not easy to take to the sack, nor am I uneducated or devoid of any moral values. I could tell all the reasons why it happened but I don’t wanna bore anyone with details about my marriage.
          Let’s not forget in this case Valerie is also a victim. Ensnarement to a narcissist is painful for all parts involved and it is very different from a regular affair.

          1. Duchessbea says:

            I just gave my opinion, if you don’t agree, that is okay. I have read what you have to say. I’m not here to bash anyone, everyone has a right to say what they feel. I am in no way being judgemental towards Valerie, it might come across like that when reading it, but it is just my opinion, nothing more. I don’t know Valerie personally, my opinion is purely based on what I read. There is a reason we are all here on this site and SP, I have read what you had to say, and can understand that perhaps you were triggered by my opinion. But as I have previously wrote, I am not passing judgement on Valerie, or anyone else here.

          2. Duchessbea says:

            Lovely to see your empathic side coming out in spades. Great to know you can be counted on when needed most.

          3. Witch says:


            If you’re stating your opinion about someone’s character that is a judgement.. just own it, Jesus Christ

        4. Sweetest Perfection says:

          It’s fine, DB, I am not mad at that and I am not triggered. My ensnarement happened a long time ago, I was able to go NC and leave that behind and I do not feel anything about it, I wasn’t jumping in because I felt attacked at all. When I started participating in the blog I felt embarrassed to explain what happened because I was horrified for what I did. I felt guilty and treacherous and I thought I was a whore. I don’t want other people who unfortunately made the same mistake I made to feel like I did back then.
          I understand it is not easy to see it from the other side when you have been cheated on because it causes pain. I was also cheated on by my husband (first). I know how much it hurts.I brought it up to reflect on how sometimes situations have many variables.

          1. Duchessbea says:

            SP, that is understandable. I see where you are coming from. The best thing about this site is that we are all here to assist each other and no matter how easy or hard things can be, the best thing is to talk about things to get perspective on them and see them through.

  15. Joa says:

    I used to write here, that as a child (8-12 years old) I often read and watched books from my father’s (stepfather’s) library about painting, sculpture, architecture (he was an architect and also painted beautifully). It was forbidden in our house, it was just his library, but I almost always did it, when he was away.

    I spent many hours staring at picture canvases: “Saturn Devouring His Childs”, “Time and Crones” and “Cannibals” by Francisco Goya, but also many other paintings by him (also polite portraits). The first one in particular impressed me. I came back to this picture dozens of times.


    I recommend paintings and graphics by a Polish architect, painter, sculptor and photographer – Zdzisław Beksiński. Reading his biography and the history of his family, the images become more understandable and even more fascinating.

    1. Sweetest Perfection says:

      “Saturn Devouring his Child” is one of my favorite paintings as well as Goya’s “black paintings” entire collection. Have you seen the “caprichos”? Although they are a sociopolitical satire many of them as eerie and reveal horrendous pieces of information about Goya’s epoch, like the fact that there were women that stole the teeth of hanged criminals once their corpses were abandoned at the gallows. Apparently there was a superstition the teeth preserved the vigor of the deceased man and they were perfect for love spells. Goya is exposing the idiocy of superstition instead of reason and science (rational mentality of the 18th century). You can see the collection here, the one I’m mentioning is # 12:

      1. Joa says:

        Thank you SP, that was interesting!

        I read and saw everything that was in the “Goya” tab.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Oh I’m so glad you liked them, Joa! I find those little pictures very disturbing and alluring at the same time.

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Joa, thank you for the introduction into this Polish artist. Fascinating paintings (& photography). Sometimes there are no words, yet a picture can be created to “speak”. Sometimes people (including children) can struggle to explain in words but can draw a diagram, or, a picture, or, even, point to an object / a person.

      1. Joa says:

        Glad you liked Asp Emp. I especially have 3 of my favorite paintings by Zdzisław Beksiński – in each of them I find something of myself, something very personal.

        As a child, my daughter drew our family in kindergarten, and the grandfather figure was the largest and with a pee. My god, all hell has broken loose. I also felt great anxiety (this is not a natural grandfather). Eventually, the psychologist decided that it was an age-appropriate interest, and my daughter constantly saw the pee of her friends from kindergarten (and even watched the boys in the toilet – along with other girls). And I decided to trust the reactions of my daughter, who to this day has a very good relationship with her grandfather – although I do not.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Joa, I agree, in some art, some people can be ‘connected’ because of their interests, how their mind / emotions are ‘touched’ by what they see (or hear). I can imagine how you ‘reacted’ to your daughter’s drawing because you did not know what she was thinking (or feeling) at that time. It’s good that you got peace of mind to know that it is a natural learning (about life) process that some children do. Good to read that your daughter has a relationship with grandfather, despite how your own relationship is with the same person, that is your compassion showing 🙂

      2. Contagious says:

        I LOVE Goya. I am a painter as a hobby. Had my first exhibition this year. Goya is amazing!

  16. Asp Emp says:

    I love this!

    I’d visited Art Galleries on school trips and could not find, or, generate a huge ‘interest’ in paintings that were not weird, outside normal societal “acceptance”. It was the likes of S Dali, Picasso and the ones mentioned in this article. Including Sci-Fi art.

    It probably partly explains why I drew witches following my father’s death? For me, personally, it is not just an ‘escape’ but an expansion of my inquiring mind. In my view, a painting of ie Jesus is, yuck, compared to a painting of ie ‘The Red Dragon’.

    For nearly a whole life-time, I felt I had to keep this kind of inquiring mind of mine ‘shushed’, or, ‘silenced’ (as it were by parental narcissist) yet it fascinated my grandmother. Just because I was “different”.

    HG’s work, including this article, gives me a sense of quiet because, I am finding that it is normal. The world would be a very dull place indeed without the likes of, artists as mentioned in this article. Thank you, for that release, HG xxx

    1. Rebecca says:

      I love art, I majored in it, in college. I’ve been to Metropolitan Museum in NYC four times and couldn’t get enough of the exhibits and paintings there. I find the arts fascinating and so alluring to me. I love Fragonard’s “The Swing” and many more classical painters of ages ago. The Egyptian exhibit, when I was there last, was so….I was just gushing over the mummies they had under glass and the jewelry was so beautiful! I love Egyptian artifacts and I find their ancient cultures so intriguing. I just love the ancient culture and their artistic displays. 😍 xx

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Rebecca, thank you for sharing that with me 🙂 I had a look at the painting you mentioned, the lighting, the colours are really good. It is not quite my type. I do not really know exactly what it is about ‘normal’ looking paintings of people, maybe it’s a kind of detachment (Aspergers, or, Contagion element?). I have a picture that I created when I was 9 / 10 that is Egyptian that I had started and was not motivated to finish it as I would normally have done because it was the time when my father died. My interests (art & the like) as mentioned above probably derived from father yet connected to parental narcissist (she went to art college too) but their tastes were different from each other.

        Wow, you majored in Art? That’s really good 🙂 Is that something you could pursue in your future, some kind of artistic related career (or hobby)?

        I now realise that parental narcissist did not ‘support’ me when it came to my educational / career directions yet she did with my sister. I was suppressed too much but I do not carry that (mentally, or emotionally), yes, I experienced anger over it when I started learning about narcissism. I’ve let it go since. 🙂 x

        1. Rebecca says:

          Hi AspEmp,

          Yes, I majored in Art and Art History and did Psychology classes too. I’ve always been intrigued by the human psyche too. Probably why I devour HG’s works and dive so deep into all of it here. I must learn and learn, that drive to know, the truthseeker trait in me is in overdrive here. 😆 xx Sorry, got off your question.. coming back.. yes, I majored in Art and it was one of the few things my mother somewhat encouraged in me, as an extension of her, she seemed proud if my artistic abilities and talents. She enjoyed seeing my paintings and drawings, I would often show her a painting of mine, to temporarily make her happy and change her dark mood. I learned to manipulate her that way, I was aware of the manipulation on my part. I did anything, back then , to make her “happy”. I just wanted her to be pleased and approve of me, my way of feeling loved by her. The Codependent in me. Xx

          I didn’t finish college, for reasons I don’t want to go into here, no offense to anyone here….I wanted to be an illustrator, but got sidetracked by life and bad choices and bad relationships and just being a dumb ass in general…I wanted to do illustration and be a Veterinarian because I love animals so much and wanted to help them more, but didn’t have the funds…things happen and now, I have my job and goals related to that and I do artistic projects on the side. At Christmas time, I do pet portraits and family portraits for fun and extra Christmas money…so it’s not fully out of my life and I’m still regularly using my talents. Sorry, for the multiple roads, instead of the straight answer path I didn’t go down. Xx

          I’m glad you checked out, The Swing, it’s whimsical and humorous, you have to really look at the painting to catch the humor in it. It was considered a very controversial painting in its day. The peeker in the painting 😆 🤣 cracks me up every time, why I love that painting so much. 😍 xx

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Rebecca, your parent’s approach to your skills was different to how my skills were treated, a prime example of differences in narcissists & their assertions of control. Not everyone does finish college courses (matrinarc didn’t and “blamed” me for that – hence partly why she suppressed me).

            Yes, when a painting fascinates me, I can really look at the details that many people may miss (or, dismiss) because their mind operates differently (or they don’t have an interest in it).

            It’s good that you still have your art that you enjoy doing. The employment I had was not directly connected to my artistic skills yet in some way connected, book-keeping / accounts do not connect directly to painting furniture 🙂 Records of sales of said furniture was the ‘connection’ 🙂

          2. Rebecca says:


            Parental narcissist do have different ways of manipulating thier children, even the same type of narcissist will do different manipulations. My mother was a LMRVICTIM narcissist and she was mostly into the pity plays about herself, needing sympathy more than anything else, it seemed like to me. She took pride in my artistic talents because she thought I got it from her side of the family, as her brother was also talented artistically and so was her own mother. I most likely did get it from her genes and she took credit for my skills….just like HG’s mother took pride and credit for HG’ s hard work and academic accomplishments. It was her bragging rights, she thought and so did my mother. I felt loved, when she bragged about me, a sense of pleasing her made me feel aglow. It’s why I thought I was a narcissist, feeling like that from her praise ,but I see it’s my Codependent in me….needing that approval, the sense of feeling loved by her. It’s nice to get that self clarity. Xx

      2. Anna says:

        Rebecca. I can highly recommend a trip to the South of France.
        Antibes. A beautiful place with a sandy beach.
        Picasso used to live there and there is a beautiful museum with his artworks there. It is wonderful.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          If you wanna see the best by Picasso, who was from Málaga, Spain, they have one of the best collection at the Museo and at the Foundation, both in his hometown. His biggest piece, Guernica, is at the Museo de arte moderno Reina Sofía in Madrid. The other three big museums with his works are in Barcelona, Paris, and NYC. They also had a nice temporary exhibit at the Tate Modern in London in 2018, which I visited. Sorry but I had to comment, I am a huge fan and “a little” Picasso scholar. I’ve always loved his work (not the man though).

          1. Alexissmith2016 says:

            Interesting re Picasso SP. I went to a museum with his work. I feel like it was when I was in Rome, but my memory is poor.

            Anyway, I’m not a huge fan but he intrigued me all the same, so you will know far more about him than I do. I always found his early work showed true talent.and was quite remarkable. Once he was established I kind of felt like he just painted bizarrely and his work lacked any thought or real talent. To me it felt like he was laughing inside producing work which even a child could. It would take him five minutes and bosh on with th next one. I feel like, he was thinking inside, people will buy any old crap. But that’s just my take on it.

            As your a huge fan, I’d love to know your view.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Alexis, when I was a kid I said that Picasso’s paintings looked like something a child could do; and my dad said: but he did it first.
            To appreciate non figurative art you need to know the evolution of art and see the innovation behind. I do like Picasso’s earlier phases, but I consider his real personality as an artist was only reached towards the end of his career. I, like most people, favor synthetic cubism over analytic cubism which was very monochromatic and obscure. However, Braque and Picasso were geniuses that tried to dissect figures (and human personalities) and project all the different angles and views on the same plane. It’s a radical revolution in the arts and a way to investigate the human psyche. One painting that particularly allows me to teach this is Picasso’s version of Diego Velázquez’s fabulous painting Las Meninas. Picasso’s homonymous painting shows a revision of Velázquez’s masterpiece, only that this time, it’s under his own lens. I remember I once paralleled HG’s work to cubism, in the sense that it does not offer a partial perspective but HG gives you all the angles, and you need to put all the pieces together to have a holistic answer. That’s the genius side of a true connoisseur of the human psyche, same as Picasso. And like HG, Picasso was a narcissist himself.

          3. Anna says:

            Thanks for the information Sweetest Perfection. I prefer the South of France. I used to go to Spain every year as a child. Sometimes the mainland, sometimes the Islands- Ibiza, Mallorca
            It is ok, but I prefer the South of France.
            Personally I prefer… Salvador Dali who is also Spanish as an artist, but thanks again for the information.

            Ohhhh then there is Florence Italy with Michaelangelos chapel

            So many beautiful things to see….
            The world can be very beautiful too.

          4. Alexissmith2016 says:

            Wow SP! You’ve given this much thought! I just assumed he was too busy with all his IPSSs to take care of his later work lol

          5. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Hahaha! Alexis, I doubt Picasso was a Lesser or MRN. I am sure he was capable of handling an extensive fuel matrix without losing a speck of his genius.

        2. Rebecca says:

          Hi Anna,

          I’ve seen Picasso’s work in NYC and I did an art assignment in oils one time, where we were given an assignment to paint like a famous artist and choose a subject he would have painted. So, I picked Picasso and painted a goat, mixed the paint half way like he did, so you see more of the colors that make up one color mix and used blues, greens, yellows and outlined in black. The goat had both its eyes on the side of its head, the horns were bent and on the same side, it looked like his painting with the bull, I forget the name of the painting…but, it was a lot of fun painting and the easiest A. My teacher displayed it in a school exhibit show. My mother was so proud, HG. 😆 xx I couldn’t help, but joke about that….I respect Picasso as an artist,but it’s not my style of painting, or my taste. I prefer more realistic art,but I do like some impressionism Art too, like the painting called, “Irises” by Vincent von Gogh and Monet’s painting called, “Water Lily Pond”. Both are so beautiful to me. I just love the colors, the texture, the feel, the mood, just all of it. Xx ❤️ ❤️

          1. Contagious says:

            I have my little boy blue. It was painted during Picasso’s Blue Period and it refers to a specific phase in the artist’s career, lasting from 1901 to 1904, during which he predominantly used shades of blue. It’s supposed to represent poverty, isolation, and sorrow, reflecting Picasso’s personal struggles at that time.

            I like the blue period I don’t know why. Picasso lost a close friend at the time and money woes. During the blue period, Picasso displays a lot of feeling through the use of the color. Maybe it’s the EMOTION lol

          2. Rebecca says:


            I know the Picasso paintings you’re mentioning and one sticks out in my mind, the painting of the man, with his head down, holding a musical instrument, if I recall correcrly….was very moving to me, the sadness and defeat was clear to see and feel for me. The name of the painting escapes me for now, but the impression still remains. I, myself, look at blue as a color of sorrow, I associate it with sadness, defeat and deep sorrow, it also reminds me of the color of my maternal grandmother’s eyes, that clear, sky blue and all the sorrow, she was a physically and emotionally abused woman by her husband for years, and I wonder, looking into her eyes, in my memories, how much sorrow she hid from me, but I could still see and feel. She died when I was 16. I still remember her funeral and looking on her , in her coffin. I thought I saw her chest moving, like she was breathing. I pulled on the sleeve of my Aunt, who was standing next to me. She looked down at me inquiring what I wanted. I told her, “Nanny is breathing, she’s breathing.” She told me, “No, Sweetie, she’s not, your mind only wishes she was breathing. She’s not. She loved you so much and it’s OK to want her back.”
            I still wonder why I saw her breathing, maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me. We were close, I’ve had dreams where she talks to me and I feel comfort from hearing her voice again. I still miss her so much. Xx

          3. Rebecca says:


            I meant to add, that the color blue was my mother’s favorite color. Fitting for a LMRVICTIM narcissist to like blue, when she was so full of woe and sorrow for herself. I helped my dad with the arrangements of her funeral, as he was very upset and couldn’t think clearly. I can see now how my Carrier stepped up and with his approval on decisions I made, I was able to push aside my own feelings and just get the arrangements done and made for him. I picked out her blue coffin, that Grey blue she was so fond of, was the same color of her dress I picked out. The blue silk lining of the coffin, the blue sticted praying hands on the inside lid of the coffin. I surrounded her with blue, just the way I knew she would like it. I gave an eulogy I know she’d approve of, I did everything to help dad and please her. I was still trying to please her and she was deceased. I still yearned to please her, eventhough I had distanced myself from her the last few years of her life. I still loved her and wanted to make sure she got everything she could want, for the last time. Xx🩵🩶
            Such a release to let this all flow out of me, release and feel lifted from the chains of her. The chains , she had on me, I leave here and I smile, breathing in the air and the lightness of my spirit xx

        3. Rebecca says:

          I want to take a trip to France, Scotland, Ireland, Norway, Finland and Sweden, all the places my family is from and so much art and culture. A friend of mine has taken Norwegian Cruises and she said, that’s the best way to see most of Europe, so a Norwegian Cruise trip is on my list of things to do. I’ll just be sure to stay out of the water and avoid being shark bait. 😆 xx

          1. Anna says:

            Hi Rebecca,

            Thanks for sharing. Yes you must visit France and all those other lovely places. It really is worth it. Life is worth living.

            I myself prefer bizarre art like Salvador Dali.

            That sounds pretty cool what you did with those paints. I have great respect for artists. I am good at poetry and songs, but when it comes to drawing… I am not good. Just stick men I’m afraid. Although I can strangely draw flowers very well… no idea why…

            My daughter she is great at art. My father too. He can draw very well and is also brilliant at maths. Well, he is brilliant at everything. 😂😂 except empathy. He has none I’m afraid!

          2. Rebecca says:

            HI Anna,

            My dad was also talented in mathematics, he excelled at it. He was an Aviation Engineer for the Navy and later, after retiring, he was a licensed Commercial Building Inspector. He had a very analytical mindset, but he had empathy too. It was limited to some animals and some people, he came back Normal on the ND I did on him.
            Anyway, I appreciate a lot of different styles of art, just like my music taste varies too. To me art and music must move me, make me feel something and it usually does. Sometimes a painting can give me the chills, or disturb me, I have one in mind and it’s a nude with a small demon over her in the bed. I forget the name and artist,but it’s pretty famous. I’ve seen paintings that have moved me to tears and some have made me laugh. Going to a museum, for me, is like watching a movie, I experience all the emotions in one place.

          3. Rebecca says:


            My mother was the musically talented one, she played 8 instruments, was in School Marching Band, played piano and the organ for the church she went to and she could sing, without any stage fright or shyness, like I have.
            I don’t play musical instruments, lightly played around with the piano, as it’s my favorite musical sound, the piano love the notes….I’ve been told I have a good singing voice, but performance anxiety keeps me from singing freely to people. I get really bad stagefright, but yet I managed to be in Choir for 6 years of school. I can sing in a big group and even with someone, but I can’t comfortably sing by myself and have an audience , even just one person. I don’t know why I can do one and not the other. I’m still trying to figure that one out. 😕 Maybe it’s too much attention on me and it feels overwhelming to have that much attention on me. I’m guessing.
            Anyway, she could do music well and her brother was a talented artist, though he was a Baptist Preacher as a career. Funny, that my dad was in seminary school, when he went on a blind date, arranged by his cousin, and met my LMRVICTIM narcissist mother. He changed the direction of his life after meeting her. He joined the Navy and never went back to seminary school. In fact, his mother and sisters blame my mother for ruining his life. They wanted him to be a Preacher and they still hold a grudge against her. Well, my paternal grandmother is deceased, so she’s not holding anything against her now. My aunts, they told me, they didn’t like her. Things you find out, when you’re no longer a child to them and the gloves come off. They told me stories about my mother and I told them my experiences with her too. That’s when I found out, the last time she was home, she smeared me to them. My mother is deceased, so I can’t confront her. I don’t even feel like revenge on her. She’s gone, she doesn’t matter. She’s a ghost I don’t see….doesn’t matter. She’s behind an asylum door, with her name on it, and I just closed and locked it. 🔒

        4. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Anna, you’re the one who brought up Picasso, I was just giving tips to see his best art pieces. Didn’t imply I didn’t like the South of France or that cubism is the only art style I enjoy/know about. I understand surrealism is usually more aesthetically accessible to most than cubism is. But again, the best of Dalí is in his museum/palace in Figueres (Spain) as the museum in Florida is much inferior. What painting do you like the best by Dalí? Meditative Rose is my favorite one. They just released a new movie, his wife was a narcissist, I’m not that sure about him. Hey, maybe a series of famous narcissist painters?

  17. KitKat says:

    I do wonder how dear Valerie is getting on with the occupants of the asylum of the grotesque….seeing as she resides there permanently now.

    1. Joa says:

      It’s just a Narcissist’s perspective.
      This is his Asylum, not hers.

      1. KitKat says:

        She most likely doesn’t have one.

      2. Asp Emp says:

        Empaths may also have their own “version” of the ‘Asylum of the Grotesque’ within their own minds, maybe a few pieces of art within their own homes?

        1. Contagious says:

          Hi Asp! I was invited into a prestigious art expo last month. It was my fourth painting so I was so nervous to be with pros I dropped a pan of hot oil on my leg and threw out my back the day before! Yes, true! Agony but the day of the event I still loved it. I do multimedia paintings of my Irish friends wool characters. I published a children’s book on kindle and it’s a post- empty nest hobby. My paintings are about characters that rise above the AI or techno fast world and show what they don’t got. There is Hiney Bear… Just Bee. She has 80 felt wool bees around the painting of her and Honey Bear goes to nature. There is Waddles who goes wild Turkey in her dreams. This was the piece selected as waddles the duck dreams big. Luki the LLama is in the process and he is zen like always thinking around the box and evolving unto himself. Next will be a pink Parisian bird who uses imagination, one will be about Faith and the other friendship and the last LOVe as love is not artificial. So the grostesque have their paintings as an empath I have mine!

          1. Asp Emp says:

            To each of their own, Contagious 🙂 If I find an unusual object and like it enough to know that I would like it long term, I’d obtain it ie one-off items.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Your work sounds very captivating as well, Contagious. I’d love to see your collection, especially “Waddles who goes wild Turkey in her dreams” which totally sounds like my type of girl!

        2. Joa says:

          Yes Asp Emp, everyone has their own Asylum. In my N1 and N2 laugh for me and with me.

          All characters captured in their best and most beautiful moments.

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Joa, yes, I understand that there would be good memories, and, bad ones of narcissists in our pasts. I no longer reflect on the “good” times with them, only cherish memories of those that were not narcissists in my past. Maybe my ‘asylum’ looks different now to what it ‘looked’ like before I came to KTN, yet, some aspects remain – the creativity side.

          2. Rebecca says:


            I have memories of my ex husband, which I rarely open the door to that Asylum, at least the part with his name on the door. It stays closed, as his memories don’t haunt me now. As I open the door, thinking on him now, remembering him keeping my love letters, holding them out to me, as if keeping them showed to me proof he loved me. I only saw my love for him, on the pages, no proof that he returned the love. He looked at me, with pleading promises on his lips, promises to not hurt me again, promises not to be mean again. They fell on deaf ears, my mind had been made up, his box had been sealed and I wasn’t turning around to try again, not this time. He had done the worse to me, and there was no going back to him. It was done, it was over…and the door closes again.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            It seems you were successful in disconnecting with a previous narcissist ex husband and moved on. What do you see as the difference and difficulty in disconnecting with the current one? Just curious. If you care to answer of course.

          4. Rebecca says:


            The difference?
            1) I was in college, in my 20s
            2) Didn’t own a home, we rented a married couple dormitory
            3) We didn’t have any real responsibilities as we were students
            4) His parents helped me move, rented a uhaul for me and his mother was supportive of me getting safely out and away from her son. His dad asked me, if they should have him committed or not.
            5) He threatened to kill me, threatened to drive us off a cliff in Boulder
            6) They knew him to be unstable at best,unbeknownst to me at the time
            7) The big one here, I had a home to move into, when I left him.
            8) There was no house , cars and responsibilities to fight over in court.
            9) We had really nothing of assets to fight over, we were students.
            10) It was cut and dry divorce, no worries about a living situation for me.
            11) I feared him, he was unstable, he had already killed his family dog.
            12) He was diagnosed Borederline PD at the time
            13) He’s now a listed criminal in the state he lives in for three assaults. One, his own daughter, he had with another woman, while we were married, and he also assaulted the two police officers, who came to arrest him for assaulting his own toddler daughter at the time. He was violent and physically abusive. He also was verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive to me. He was much worse than my current narc husband.
            Hope that gives you a picture of my ex. I’d give you his name, so you could see him on listed criminals, but it’s not allowed for privacy protection from HG’S blog rules.
            My current husband isn’t as violent as my ex, he’s a kitten compared to my ex. My ex didn’t care about rules, he felt they didn’t include him. He lost his shit a lot. He’s a violent criminal and I had a place to move to, without much problems.
            I’m still working on things , you can’t see that HG knows about and only HG knows about. I have things in motion and I’ll get my day in court and I’m making plans to keep the house, fk him and I’m making plans to be financially independent from him.
            I thought I got away from an abusive man, turns out I just got a less abusive man than the previous one. I was in my 20s when I divorced and then met shithead number 2 only a couple weeks later, the damn ink didn’t even have a chance to dry on my divorced papers before another shithead comes along, and I didn’t even see him coming. I wasn’t even wanting another relationship, but he was persistent about asking me out, until I finally said yes, someone should have smacked me in the head. No sense of crying about it now. Just working on getting myself out, without being a homeless idiot. Hope that answers your questions and my anger isn’t directed at you, I’m just losing patience for things taking too damn long. Believe me I’m not happy living with MLSOMATIC, but he doesn’t scare me as much as my ex did. And don’t think I’m going to let MLSOMATIC keep me under his thumb.

          5. Joa says:

            AspEmp, my Asylum of Beauty is unchanging and is my STRENGTH. In difficult times, I always draw energy and faith from him. There are a lot of people in it who are/were close to me. I do not throw anyone out of the asylum; neither my father (stepfather), nor N1 nor N2 nor others.

            The fact, that I appreciate and cherish our beautiful and wonderful moments together does not mean that I intend to continue them and that I have forgotten what was bad.

            I haven’t seen my father (stepfather) for about 25 years and N1 for 19 years. And I know that I will never meet them again – unless we pass each other by chance on the street (low probability). I will certainly visit my father’s grave, when he dies.

            I love them in a way and always will. That old “me” and that old “me” and that even earlier “me” – “me” in thousands of views – still remembers them.

            I will not remove any of them from my Asylum. They are my strength…


            Rebecca, you can’t open this locked box, until the pain is overwhelming and “deathly” painful.

            When the pain eases a bit, it’s worth opening the box and drilling in these wounds, looking at the scabs, picking out the pebbles, drawing some more blood.

            When only a scar remains – I can happily remember what was good between us.

          6. Asp Emp says:

            Joa, you have given a good explanation of your own Asylum and how it ‘works’ for you. I can see why you used the word ‘strength’, as they no longer are a weakness for you?

            Your words to Rebecca made me think of ‘Pandora’s Box’. Maybe for some people that box (Pandora’s) would not be totally empty, for others, there’d be bits of dust rather than pebbles.

          7. Rebecca says:

            Hi Joa,

            I don’t open the door that has my ex’s name on it often, he’s my past, he can no longer hurt me. I walked away from him and turned my back on him. His access to me is barred, no ticket on the ferry for him. His memories are just memories and they hardly touch me now.
            I have another door that tries to open in my Asylum, I keep closing it, as HG has taught me to do. It’s a battle of wills between my consciousness and my unconsciousness, one wants the door to stay shut, one wants to reopen it , again and again. I repeat, when the door is opened, I close it. More and more the door is closed. Now I found the lock and it better stay on that damn door! I do get a giggle out of the name on the door, SHITHEAD, suits him so well. Others at work, call him something else, but to repeat that name would tell too much about what his name was. It sounds very much like his real name, but it’s a cut on his peacock walk he had. Totally ridiculous 🙄 xx

          8. Rebecca says:


            I very much consider my battle with my ex husband as a victory for me. A, I did it once, I can do it again, strength and hope for me. He tried so hard to keep me and I refused to stay kept. I think it was my Carrier part that stood her ground against him, that unmoving , stubborn part of me that’s helped me in my toughest times. I’m glad I have Carrier in me, it keeps me from being completely lead around by the collar. I’m so grateful I can see these behaviors in me and I learned how they work for me. HG’s knowledge and work is the best for self discovery and awareness of the narcissists around us and why they do what they do and why our reactions keep them coming back for more and more. I only wish I knew about all this, when I divorced my ex, then I would have never even married Narc husband now. No sense of crying about it now, just working on correcting my naive mistake of marrying him. The DUIs, the drinking, the lost of his driving license, all should have been enough for me to stay away from him, but no, I thought I knew him better than my dad and I thought I knew more than my dad and dumbass me, ignored my dad’s warnings about him. I was a 20 something know-it-all and ignored my dad’s wisdom and advice. If I could speak to my dad now, I’d tell him, you were right, dad, I’m sorry I ignored your words. And you know, what he’d say? I can almost hear him now. He’d say, “It’s OK,…his nickname for me…I’m just happy you’re OK and I love you. ” I’m aware of my own errors and stupidity. I allowed my own emotions to lead me down the wrong path, but I’m human and not perfect. Xx

        3. Bubbles says:

          Dear Asp Amp,
          Good grief no no no, that’s just grotesque! Haha
          I’m boring, I surround myself with beauty, mother nature adorns my walls inside.
          I love browsing real estate online, you can always gather a reflection of the owners by their decor, along with their art and book collection. I’m always amused by the ones who feel the need to plaster either their trophies or their academic achievements all over the walls. Look at moi look at moi haha

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Hello Bubbles 🙂 Think, some people like Gothic themes, or Egyptian themes……. some people like nature, others may like horror. I have unusual / unique pieces but nothing like grotesque. I notice things like people’s tastes within their decor too 🙂 Yes, the trophy collections can be taken over the top 🙂 Even the Predator did it (referring to the film series, polished skulls) !! 😉 xx

          2. Rebecca says:


            I have a repeated theme of horses, the colors red and sage throughout my house. My favorite animal and my favorite colors. It comforts me and makes me happy, to surround myself with things that I enjoy and bring me pleasant memories. A friend of mine, who passed away in 2019 from cancer, had three horses. We shared that love of horses and a long friendship. When she died, I bought a painting of a horse and the painting spoke to me and reminded me of her. I have it hanging in my living room and it brings with it memories of her and comforts me. I cherish the painting and our friendship, I’m very sentimental about friends and those close to my heart. Mementos can be of happy moments and sad moments, part of my Asylum of memories xx

          3. Asp Emp says:

            Hi Rebecca, sorry to read about your friend, yes, I understand having an item or two that gives you comfort as a memory for a friend who has passed (I can relate to that). Yes, we all have our own Asylums 🙂 x

          4. Bubbles says:

            Dear Asp Emp,
            My apologies, I meant ‘beauty’ from the garden, flowers etc
            I used to make Egyptian ceramics and pottery! Apparently, having said items around the house brought upon bad luck. I made these 2 magnificent very large black panthers and Mr Bubbles accidentally broke them, I know, right ? Egyptians believed black cats brought bad luck …..sure did! haha having said that, different cultures believe the opposite. I also made busts of Tuts n Cleo, Egyptian vases, plates ….ahhh the good ol days !
            I have gone thru many different phases in my life, one period was very heavily Scandinavian, I had some lovely objects and paintings from a Danish artist friend. (I have Danish n Swedish heritage) Galleons were all the vogue at one time….had those too haha
            Our ‘dear ol friend’ painted, he was self taught, we have a number of his treasures on our walls. Mr Bubbles n I just met this lovely young artist starting out, only last week, painting local landscapes and beaches, very impressive, might have to purchase a piece or two hehe
            That ol saying “ beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, so true ! However, at my age, the less you have the less you have to dust 🤣

            Asp Emp, unique is good, just like you 😉

          5. Asp Emp says:

            Wow, you did pottery / ceramics? You’ve reminded me of a small clay ornament that I made depicting the house I lived in as a kid, I still have it. I decluttered to the point of nearly bare walls some years ago! It’s good that there are still people interested in doing art and they should be encouraged to express themselves freely without someone going ‘woke’ on them. Thank you, for your kind words, Bubbles xx

          6. Trev says:

            Hmm, Aspemp, an empath woman who likes science fiction films. Let’s move in together after we get married 🙂

            Just kidding.(cos those are the red flags huh huh uhuh)

            I am looking for someone who possesses those characteristics though for real.

          7. Asp Emp says:

            Hahahaha. Trev, I believe that you are flirting with me 😉 I’ll wave the white flag 😉 🙂

          8. Trev says:

            hey aspemp
            i post on this website (deleted for rule contravention)

            if you make an account on there and post we could have a nice chat about scifi or other things.

            i don’t know if Mr.Tudor allows such details to be exchanged.
            If not then (fake cockney accent):please Mr.Tudor allow this one through this one time?

          9. Asp Emp says:

            Ah, Trev, you shoulda read HG’s rules, they are there for a reason. Besides, maybe a read (or listen) to HG’s ‘Why You Should Not Use Online Dating’, very useful. Laughing at the “fake Cockney accent” though 🙂

          10. Rebecca says:

            Dear Bubbles,
            I tried pottery and ceramics in a sculpture art class I took for school. It was interesting to learn a different art form and about the different clays. I brought back once, red clay from my home State, and it had a lot of iron in the clay, hence the rich red color. I made a mug and a horse figure from it. It was also fun to play with the many glazes and the kiln. I enjoyed working with clay, it felt satisfying in my hands, the warmth and smoothness, was pleasant to work with. I also found out, it’s not my best medium to work with. I was trying to get a layered look for the mug and It ended up looking like a mini log cabin, instead of a mug. 😆 🤣

          11. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            Yes, I’ve done a few things in my time hehe
            I judged a Mr Muscle comp back in the ol days
            I was scouted to enter the Miss Australia Quest
            I was a Librarian, entered a modelling academy, dabbled in Taekwondo and judo, ballroom dancing and competitive squash and looked after foster kids on weekends, just to some a few …. phew 😅 ohh yes, I forgot, I was also a serving member of Rotary. We are current members of the RSL !
            How narcissistic is that ? 🤣😂

          12. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Rebecca,
            But you found your forte, painting art ! At least you tried, aren’t log cabin mugs trendy? Hehe
            I have no flair for painting art whatsoever, painting a house …. maybe 🤣
            Congratulations on your well deserved earned craft! You’re truly gifted 👩🏻‍🎨

          13. Rebecca says:

            Thank you Bubbles xx

          14. Contagious says:

            Beautiful Bubbles we are alike. Are you Contagion too? Surrounding yourself with beauty, nature… love is the best way!

          15. Bubbles says:

            Dear Contagious,
            I’ve sorta self diagnosed, I’m a bitsa, I see a ‘bit’ of everything in me, however, I’m believe I’m too overly blessed with magnetism! Haha
            Wherever I go, people just start talking to me! Just the other day at KMart ( I know, I don’t mean to blaspheme) I had to get Mr Bubbles a non slip mat for the ensuite 👣 to stop him from slippin n slidin all over the place haha
            Anyhoo, whilst waiting in the checkout queue, this little ol Italian lady turns her head (just like in the Exorcist) haha and away she goes, yak yak yak yak. Then it’s her turn to go pay, so the lady behind me, feels the dire need to tell me all about her new saucepan. WTH? Next, I venture into the supermarket and this mature gent feels possessed to talk about his Double Brie as I was reaching for my Guilleteau Le Fromager d’Affinois. Happens every time I go out ! It’s like I have a sign on me, please speak to me. Haha
            Having said that, I need to surround myself with nature, beauty, peace n quiet. I have an over abundance of feelings that any one person should not have to endure. I’ve had to learn to to self control it.
            I kinda flick over the ‘contagion’ articles, I’m not sure why !
            Maybe I’m still trying to digest 🐢 the easy stuff first haha
            I is the best way ☺️

    2. Asp Emp says:

      KitKat, maybe Valerie and the other ‘occupants’ play a game of Ouija when HG is busy? 😉

      1. Bubbles says:

        Dearest Asp Emp,
        Ouija 😱
        Btdt 😉

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Hahahaha, Bubbles 🙂 My sister & her friend did this in the late teens (outside in the garden Full Moon), on 31st October, while I was out with my friends. I never got to find out what transpired of that. I think they freaked themselves out…… wwwoooooaaahhh! 😉

          1. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            Mr Bubbles and I were freaked out ! They knew stuff!
            We were both sceptics ! 👻

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Sorry Bubbles, I’m laughing (how empathic of me, not!). I think my sister & her friend read a book in the library about it, or talked about it in school. They used bits of paper and a glass, on concrete slabs (not on a table!)………maybe it was the wind? 😉 (sorry, I laughed, still am…… hahahaha). x

          3. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            My mum and stepdad tried it ….didn’t work.
            We did it with friends one night 30 years ago, just the four of us for shits n giggles. Mr Bubbles n I did not believe in it one bit.
            We cut out numbers, letters, yes, no etc and had one glass on a wooden coffee table.
            We welcomed any spirits and a couple came thru. One was an 86 year old man and a female in her late 70’s. They did say they were friendly and not going to cause any harm. Basically in for a chit chat. After a series of questions each, we asked them to leave and they did. We found out later from our neighbour, the lady who used to live in house died in the living room where we were playing. The spirit described her appearance and our neighbour confirmed it 😱 possibly husband and wife, he died first.

            We thought the other couple were pushing the glass. So they both took their fingers off and it was just Mr Bubbles and myself. We were not pushing the glass 😱 the glass moved around at great speed
            We both asked questions neither of us knew about each other and it got it right.
            After that, we never did it again.

          4. Asp Emp says:

            Bubbles, it is interesting to be a sceptic until one has such an experience. Some things just cannot be explained because of what the human mind ‘sees’, or, senses. Like, I knew parental narcissist was dying and I “knew” she had passed before I got the communication from my sister – I was not thinking of parent at all at the moment I sensed something and “smelt” my grandmother / parental narcissist. That is the unexplainable because they were dead. The subconscious mind can be active even when the human is awake but it is not necessarily “accessed” as freely as the conscious mind, maybe that is one of the primal / survival ‘skills’ that we do not learn to use? Your story is very interesting. A one-off experience with the Ouija can be enough for some people. Good to see you, Bubbles, I love reading what you have to say. Thank you for that 🙂 x

          5. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            Why thank you lovely, your comment is most interesting. Slightly different scenario, when we were visiting our ‘dear ol friend’ I could ‘smell death’ in the room days before he was about to die. I do understand there is a process that takes place, (they brighten up as normal again, which we witnessed), however Mr Bubbles couldn’t smell it.

            Your 6th sense must be highly intuitive, some are more attuned than others Asp Emp, you’re one very gifted and special person. Mum was always chatting with her spirit guides and relied on them heavily (although I never witnessed any said ‘miracles’) haha. Phenomenons or unexplained forces do exist of which we simply have no control over but must process as a learning experience.

            I can’t explain what happened in our situation, as we both felt this incredible energy which made us uncomfortable enough to be guided to leave well enough alone. Hehe
            Always look forward to reading your comments too Asp Emp xx

          6. Asp Emp says:

            Bubbles, thank you for suggesting that I may be highly intuitive 🙂 Yes, I can ‘sense’ some people before they get in contact with me, that is something I cannot explain (similar to ESP). Thing is, as I have knowledge (HG’s work) and more awareness, it could be that I may be able to sense people more now compared to when I was unaware & under the fog of narcissistic manipulation in the past? I had an experience of as such when I had a visit at my home (some time ago), I dismissed it but it became more apparent during the appointment with what they said and the way they acted. I was not worried, not perturbed, I was just aware and mindful of what I said ie not over-share information. Indicative yet not determinative 🙂

            Lovely to read what you say, Bubbles. Thank you for sharing more on your experience. Can I ask, you say that your husband also felt this ‘energy’? Is he an empath too? xx

          7. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            You have grown immensely since you journey here. It’s most noticeable and to go back and read Mr Tudor’s blog from the beginning, I was extremely impressed. That’s learning 😱
            You definitely have heightened senses Asp Emp, lucky you.
            No one could pull the wool over your eyes, that’s for sure hehe

            “Is he an empath too?”
            Haha our kids think we’re ‘two peas in a pod’ except he’s the male version 🤦‍♀️ 🤣

          8. Asp Emp says:

            Thank you for your kind words, Bubbles, so good to read 🙂 I attribute it partly being deaf & having to learn to observe people as well. Two peas in a pod, I’m glad to read that you’ve established he’s the male version (hahaha). xx

      2. Contagious says:

        Asp: I had the worst ouija board experience ever. I was in college and we went to funeral parlor at midnight to play. I brought my roommate who was Catholic and didn’t believe in it. My roommate and I played and the board moved slowly at first. It said I was a closed window but to research SAG in Middle Ages England that I had a guardian angel named John who keeps my window shut but look. I thought SAG actors? My roommate was told she would receive bad news the next day in the mail and that “ they” watched her have sex through our pet chinchilla who was “ fated.” The board then went fast and we lost control and left the room. I heard awful stories from others. The next day in the mail my roommate got a letter that said she failed a class. The chinchilla was electrocuted by eating ann electrical cord and died. I went to the library and went to the ancient texts upstairs and pulled a book on Middle Ages England. SAG meant sage or a primitive lawyer who negotiated issues on livestock or other concerns. I dropped the book. The next day I was accepted into law school. All things could be a coincidence but I never looked at a Ouija board again. Dead serious. It seems hookey but nope. I won’t touch one.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Was this is an episode of Terry and June?

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Laughing…… (thank you).

          2. Contagious says:

            I don’t know Terry and June but there are many Ouija board stories and movie out there, HG. It might have been a bad idea to be a teenager going to an Ouija board event at midnight at a funeral parlor. And who were the people who invited me and why? And what inspired me to attend. I did another stupid thing. At a Catholic religious retreat, I was asked to go to a grave at night at a burned Salem witch. I was ready to go but everyone chickened out. You see I am not afraid of evil due to my Faith. As an older woman I just wouldn’t do it. Stupid! Why? What’s the goal? Just stupid.

        2. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Poor chinchilla!

          1. HG Tudor says:

            That part made me laugh.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Nooooo!!!!! You sadist.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Not on this occasion, it was simply amusing, read like a farce.

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I know I know, I was kidding. I must confess I giggled at the idea that the evil spirits that you conjured on the Ouija confess spying on you while having sex through the eyes of your pet chinchilla (sorry, Contagious).

          5. Joa says:

            “You sadist!” – with these words my relationship with N2 began.
            This is a digression, of course.

          6. Contagious says:

            I have a confession. Santana the chinchilla was electrocuted but we took him to the vet needed $2000 worth of care and we decided to let him eternally sleep. Some awful boy at a Halloween party asked me if I saved his body as he wanted a glove! Poor Santana!

          7. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Well, no wonder Santana’s tragic death was sort of Supernatural, given its name. A great one, btw.

        3. Asp Emp says:

          Contagious, thank you for sharing that. I’ve never been tempted. Spending my teenage years in an old Manor House had it’s own experiences.

          1. Rebecca says:

            I’m with you AspEmp,

            I don’t touch Ouija boards, don’t have the desire to go near them either. My mother, one time, took me to be blessed and prayed over by a Johavvah Witness couple. I still remember my fear as they chanted and touched me. My mother thought I had some spiritual possession because I have lucid dreams and prominitions. I was different from her, so to her, I must have spiritual problems. She thought she was deeply religious and Saint like and I must be possessed because of my abilities to feel vibes from people, have lucid dreams and get feelings of future events. Thankfully I didn’t have them on a weekly basis, or I fear she would have tried to have me committed, as it was, she was really freaked out by me.

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Rebecca, your story about the J.Witnesses made me think of the time parental narcissist sat in the room when a psychiatrist / psychologist came to the house (I was 11 or so). I don’t know why they were in the house. They spoke with my sister too. This was a one time incident. I think parental narcissist also ‘feared’ me on occasion, I’m not surprised !!

            Feeling vibes from people, well, that’s our inner alarm systems being activated? A prime example of this could be when Harry’s wife crouched down to speak to a 2 / 3 year old and that child turned away – did that child ‘sense’ what HW is? (referring to a video analysis HG did).

            You also reminded me of the mother in the film ‘Carrie’.

            J.Witnesses are some kind of cult? Many years ago, I had them visit my home, as soon as I see their pamphlets, it was a very definitive rude version of “go away”. Laughing.

          3. Bubbles says:

            Dear Asp Emp and Rebecca,
            Funny you should mention, I had an aerobics group of friends who happened to be Pentecostals, they insisted they chant and lay hands on me to eradicate the devil from my soul so I may be healed.
            Clearly it didn’t work, I’m still possessed 😈 haha

            Then there’s the dungeon, ohhhhhh the stories I could tell haha 🤪

          4. Asp Emp says:

            You are absolutely hilarious, Bubbles!! Thank you for the ignition of my imaginations 🙂 Hahahaha. PS I can honestly state that I do not believe you are ‘possessed’ in any way at all. You are you and I love that about you 🙂 xx

          5. Rebecca says:


            Could the psychiatrist been one there for Child Protection Services? CPS has licensed therapist for children, could have been someone called them on your mother, like a doctor did to my mother once.
            Yeah, my ability to read people and their moods, made my mother uneasy and yeah, she was a little like the mother in “Carrie” , but she wasn’t as flamboyant about it. She did like to punish me with silent treatments , with me ending up in a dark closet.
            I remember one day clearly, when I was being punished in the dark closet. I was waiting inside, waiting for my turn. I was crying because I could hear my brother , in the next room, being hit by the lashing of the belt, again and again…he would yell sometimes and I just remember crying for him and wanting it to stop, but I was so scared and I was next, and this was one of those times that we were being punished for my mother lying and making up something we didn’t do. I remember my anger, resentment towards her, for getting my brother hurt, because she lied. The feelings fighting within me, anger, resentment, fear, hurt and injustice for my brother, all fought for dominance and I felt them all. When the closet door opened, my turn, I looked up into my mother’s face, such resentment I felt towards her then, she smirked at me and looked satisfied. Bitch, what a bitch. I wonder now what she saw on my face, fear? Anger? Resentment? Hatred? She seemed so proud of her little game and how she won again. How I wish I was bigger than her, back then.
            Don’t feel sorry for me, don’t want your sympathy, this is just a memory I’m sharing. In the end, my mother no longer had me under her thumb. I was free from her. I rarely would visit her in person. I’d talk to her on the phone, occasionally, but most of the time I avoided her and she lost me, as her daughter. I still loved her, but I wouldn’t give her much access to me. That must have hurt her, that gives me no joy. It makes me sad that, that’s how our relationship ended. Her and I being apart, instead of mother and daughter together, sharing and loving. I loved her from a distance and still missed the mother I wished I had. Xx

            Sorry, if it’s too much for some.

            To answer your questions, AspEmp, JWs are said to be a cult by some people. I don’t let them in my house, not that I think they’re bad or whatever, but they’re trying to sale to me their religion and I’m not interested in buying it and don’t want to waste their time. To each their own, I don’t say their wrong, just different and that’s fine. Don’t have an issue with different. I believe in a lot of spiritual things, I’m a spiritually driven person.
            Sorry for the long reply and thanks HG for moderating. Xx

          6. Asp Emp says:

            Rebecca, thank you for your reply. I do not know why the psychologist was at the house. It was one time. I understand what you say about mother. It may have been more as a criticism (in mother’s perspective) when the daughter does not attend to give fuel & permit control (I did this, without knowing about narcissism), probably smearing me to the rest of the family in the process. She never said sorry for hurting me, even when she had the chance while on her death bed.

            Yes, religion is not for everybody. We have the right to make choices of whether to be involved or not. Our upbringing can lead us to make different decisions about our lives. HG’s work in some way, opens up our ways of looking at things, which can lead to us having more choices than we would have been aware of had it not been for the existence of his work. Thank you for sharing more of your story x

          7. Contagious says:

            It’s weird. I don’t really believe in any of it but after having such an odd experience, probably all coincidence, why bother? What’s the end game?

          8. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            Awwww, you’re such a sweetheart AE 😘 mwah
            Got me wondering 🧐 the so called Pentecostals could see ‘him’ apparently ….I started laughing when they all gathered around with their unsanitised hands on me and talking tongues blowing their Sav Blanc breaths all over me as we’d just finished aerobics and had a bottle or two.(they’re not supposed to drink) yeah right. Haha The P’s said my laugh was the devil trying to come out 😈
            Well Asp Emp, I constantly laugh, so that’s why I’m still possessed by the devil….he liked it so much, he decided to stay 🤣😂🤣😂

          9. Asp Emp says:

            Aww, bless you, Bubbles. The way you tell your tales, brilliant! God, I must be “possessed” too!!! Hahahaha xx

        4. Anna says:

          Contagious. Wow, thank you for sharing. Yes Ouija is spooky. As are seances. I myself prefer tarot and palm readings. I am able to do them, however I steer well clear of Ouija boards.

          1. Contagious says:

            Anna and Rebecca: are you contagion like me? Lucid dreams were not mentioned by HG in his analysis but I would bet my life they are key to contagions as I think our intuition comes from intuition a different wiring of the prefrontal lobe that explains mirroring too. As for tarot, I used to throw New Year’s parties where I would have my father and various musicians play, I would serve food and do tarot readings. Celtic style as easy. I don’t know tarot real well and would often have to read cards but my intuition always left people thinking I was gifted lol. It’s easy as the artwork on a card can be linked to a persons question both next to other cards and individually. A lot of room to roam. But my highlighted party was where I told a blues guitarist that a brown haired baby was in his future. He turned white and he is African American as he was dating a dark haired Swiss lady much younger. Well, her daughter was a teen mother much to their surprise who gave birth to a beautiful brown haired girl. Lol

          2. Rebecca says:

            Hi Contagious,

            Yes, I have some Contagion, as one of my three Schools. I believe you’re right, there’s a connection between Contagion and my lucid dreams.
            My mother took me to see this JW couple because she didn’t like my abilities, as mentioned previously, and my night terrors I had at times, that were very dark and disturbing. I’ll give an example of one of them, sorry if it’s upsetting to some , or you…
            I had a night terror, was very vivid and seemed very real to me. I was at the bottom of the stairs and I looked up to the top of the stairs, there my dog stood. She was fuming at the mouth, snarling and snapping and all her attention and malice was directed at me. She attacked me and tore at my skin, the terror and my screams snapped me awake, my heart was pounding and I expected to see my dog tearing me up, over me. She wasn’t there, but I swear I could smell her breath and I shook from my fear. It felt so real, my skin hurt and I was hot and sweaty. I turned the light on because my night terrors made me afraid of the shadows in the room. I waited to be attacked, all on high alert. My screams woke up my parents and my dad came in and asked me, if I was ok and he went back to bed. I sat there waiting for my shakes to stop and my skin to stop feeling so hot.
            My mother thought my night terrors were spiritual attacks. I still don’t know why I have such vivid nightmares and why about my dog. She was a sweet dog to me, outside my dreaming world. Xx

        5. Bubbles says:

          Dear Contagious,
          You’re story is way more exciting, however, the poor chinchilla 🥹
          Congrats for getting accepted into law 🥳
          Thank you for sharing

          1. Rebecca says:

            Dear Bubbles,
            Don’t worry, they didn’t pull out the snakes or speak in tongues, it wasn’t that scary…..just bizarre behavior I didn’t forget and it did scare me some….according to my mother’s cousin, when I asked her about it, she said, my mother was doing what she thought would help me. My mother must have told her about it, as she knew about it. Weird and more bizarre than fiction. Xx

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Wow, Rebecca. Your cousin knew about it? Triangulation by mother? Assertion of control by proxy (to your cousin)?

            The kind of ‘exorcisms’ have existed for centuries. Consider the druids, the witches, the Hellfire Clubs (in UK) – history. The Holy Narcissist. So many clues throughout history yet we are talking about it out loud without prejudice (here) as HG offers us the space to do so.

            Thank you for sharing more about your story 🙂 x

          3. Rebecca says:


            Yes, my mother’s cousin, who she grew up with like a sister, they went to school together, went to Nursing school together, they were as close as my mother allowed her to be, her facade was up with her cousin. She didn’t show her, her mean face. She told her a lot of what she deemed appropriate for her to know and I guess that incident made the cut. I’m sure she made it like she was saving me from myself, or some such nonsense… her cousin was taken in by my mother’s facade and I believe her to be a very caring person….my mother’s cousin, my great cousin, I guess? She was my maternal grandmother’s sister’s daughter. She’s a kind person, so I’m sure my mother tried smearing me with her and it didn’t work. She still loves us both, eventhough my mother is deceased, she still talks about her with fondness and I won’t tell her any different. I don’t have the heart to break her heart like that. Let her believe she was kind, why ruin her memories of my mother. It would be cruel to do that. I can’t. I love her. Xx She’s a good person, I can sense her kindness, my mother just used her for the compliments she gives out so readily and she genuinely cares and I feel her care, it’s like a warmth and it wraps around you and being around her, makes me cry. I cry because I don’t see her enough and I miss her so much and when I do seen her, it’s overwhelming and I get so happy I cry. I wish she could live forever and not leave one day. It’ll break my heart. Xx

          4. Rebecca says:


            My mother was raised a strict Southern Baptist and she raised me that way too. So, I learned guilt at an early age and that the Preacher was next to God and must be obeyed. I had a lot of questions for the Preacher, much to my mother’s embrassment, the Preacher seemed to like my curiosity and called me, Doubting Thomas. I told him, when I die, I have more questions for God too, like why did He make the devil, if He already know he was going to rebel against HIm and cause all this chaos? Why just not create him and have a peaceful world? I was about 13 when I asked him that, he wasn’t happy then. I got a lecture on having faith and not questioning God. I still kept my questions in my head, that weren’t meant for the Preacher anyway. 😛xx

          5. Contagious says:

            Dear Bubbles yes Santana is no more. As for law, 32 years later, a multi state practice and my own firm. I practice construction law.

          6. Bubbles says:

            Dear Contagious,
            Love the name Santana, being a fan of the group myself!
            What a ‘clever little Vegemite’ you are (that’s an Aussie expression) hehe
            You’re not just a pretty face 😉

            My mum did tarot reading. Yet she never predicted me 🤣😂🤣😂

          7. Rebecca says:

            @Bubbles, AspEmp and Contagious,

            A couple of friends of mine are Wiccans. The one friend does tarot card readings, she’s done two readings for me and both were accurate and helpful. She tells me I’m a natural healer and very sensitive to what others do not see. She’s taught me a lot about crystals and I naturally am drawn to the ones that help me the most, like tiger eye, labradorite and rose quartz. I know some people don’t believe such things, but I know they help me, imagined or real, they help me. Anyway, I’m open to learning new things and crystals are a new belief for me and I have my Wiccan friend to thank for that. Some people ask me why I wear crystal bracelets and I tell them, I use them for fidget device and they keep me calmer and more centered. They either get it, or don’t. Xx

          8. Asp Emp says:

            Sorry Rebecca, I missed these comments. I understand all too well the position you find yourself in where the cousin is concerned as you cannot reveal what you have learned about mother. It’s difficult when you have to keep it to yourself, despite knowing what you know. Regarding the crystals and you calling them a “fidget device”, a good way to describe it. In moments of conscious / unconscious stress, some people find that something like rosary beads as a tool to focus, to re-direct thoughts / emotions. Similar to a diversion. How are you, Rebecca? Has something happened recently? No need to share on here, I do understand how difficult things can get at times. You can always consult with HG, if you need to xx

          9. Rebecca says:


            I knew an Aussie, back in college and he gave me a sample of vegemite….my autocorrect was like wtf is that?? 😆 🤣 😂 Anyway, it looked like a little package of motor oil and he told me to smear it on toast, or cracker. He said, it’s an acquired taste,something to get used to. The face I made, made him laugh. Acquired taste? It was like, I imagine tree bark liquified, to taste like, very bitter. I didn’t go for a second taste. No offense, I gave him back his sample and he laughed at me grabbing my drink to wash out the flavor. Xx

          10. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Rebecca,
            Vegemite is meant to be spread ‘SPARINGLY on fresh buttered bread, toast, or on crackers (also with cheese) . It’s definitely an acquired taste if you’re not used to it, It can be added to soups or casseroles as a stock flavouring. Instead of a whack on the back when Aussies are born, we’re givin a spoonful of Vegemite 🤣😂
            (just kidding haha) there’s also Marmite and Promite, however, I find those too sweet for my palate.

            I believe if you like crystals, tarots, palm reading, witch craft, seances or similar ….if it soothes the soul and works for you, why not. ☺️

          11. Rebecca says:

            HI Bubbles,

            Oh, is that how Aussies make their new borns cry, feeling them veggimite? 😆 🤣 😂 I had to tease you about that one! 😆 🤣 Yes, definitely an acquired taste and he did smear it sparingly and I still nearly died. 😆 🤣 xx

          12. Contagious says:

            Thank you Bubbles! Your warmth lights up the entire blog btw!

          13. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Rebecca,
            We Aussies are a tough lot, we can ‘make shift’ just about anything and survive on just about anything, even Vegemite 🤣😂

          14. Rebecca says:


            It’s a combination of things going on right now….and I do reach out to HG for guidance and advice, he’s the best for both. Xx
            Here and HG is the only place I can talk about things with so many who understand what I’ve been through and what I’m working through within myself. I’m still amazed at how much HG knows about us and how much he knows how I think and feel. He’s unique that way, coming to him , to me, is a bit like touching base in a game of, “you’re IT”. HG is solid foundation for me, he’s support and a cooling touch of logic, when I need it most, because let’s face it, I’m emotional and the emotions make it hard for me to think straight, especially when I’m stressed.
            I’m frustrated also, because I’m impatient with myself, things are going too slow, but are moving, just I want more speed please! I feel pressure from within me and I feel pressure from around me.
            I snapped on MLSOMATIC again yesterday, he verbally insulted me and then acted like I was the asshole and played, “I didn’t mean to upset you, it wasn’t my intention for you to get upset” I’ve been edgy lately, but I know he’s pushing my buttons and that smirk, when he does. I just feel like, punching him right in the nose. I don’t, because I know that would be counter productive and stupid, but damn, so tempting. It’s during that time, that I pull my dark wolf back and hold it back, and I whisper to it, “it’s not needed, we are not being physically attacked, calm down.” I talk to that part of me, that’s protective, my Savior part, my dark wolf. I’ll let her out in court, where she’ll be free to go for the throat, the evidence I have….she’ll be a satisfied wolf. Xx I’m working, just because you’re not aware of what I’m doing, doesn’t mean I’m not working. Xx

          15. Asp Emp says:

            Rebecca, thank you for your response. Stress and anxiety are difficult to keep a control on when there is so much going on at the same time, I am exactly like that. Yes, I do appreciate that there are things that are not within our control because the circumstances around us are being “controlled” by either systems, or, other people. Starting a new life – again – could create a higher level of anger (combined with anxiety / stress), especially when you think to yourself “I’ve been here before, and, damn, I have to go through it all again”. The difference is, this time round, there is HG to ‘reach out’ to and maybe one or two others at a distance (in travel) and possibly no-one locally. For some people, they work behind the scenes without sharing – I do this – as a means of NC/ self-protection too ie not telling my close friends until I have some concrete information in place. It’s just the circumstances on my part, and I just have to have faith in the one or two people who said they will help, will actually deliver. It’s so hard at times to not go backwards! That constant ‘fight’ can be exhausting. Thank you for listening, Rebecca, do not be too hard on yourself, it will eventually work out to your advantage xx

          16. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Contagious,
            What a beautiful compliment …… thank you lovely, you’re too kind, I’m blushing ☺️

          17. Trev says:

            Rebecca, hope you’re not living with MLSOMATIC as I know what hell that is.

          18. Rebecca says:


            Yes, you nailed my feelings and what I’m thinking, and yes, HG has been a grounding force for me and of much help. I’m very grateful for his guidance and advice. I’m just getting frustrated and impatient. Thank you, AspEmp for understanding me. Thanks HG, for putting up with my emotional outbursts and self doubt. I have a big decision to make and it scares the hell out of me! Xx

        6. KitKat says:

          Perhaps the chinchilla committed suicide to escape the traumatizing memories of being forced to watch you have sex

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Got a laugh out of me.

          2. A Victor says:

            Haha! That’s great! The chinchilla must’ve been an empath!

          3. Rebecca says:

            Hi KitKat,
            That was randomly out of nowhere, but you made me laugh, you’re too funny 🤣 😂 xx

          4. Contagious says:

            I spit out my coffee laughing! Well done!

          5. KitKat says:

            No matter how many dust baths he took, he could not get rid of the dirty feeling

          6. Rebecca says:

            Hi KitKat,

            No matter how many baths he took, he couldn’t wash the images out of his eyes….my eyes, my eyes…🤣

          7. Kit Kat says:

            “Got a laugh out of me.”
            Thank you. It’s a pleasure to serve as your dope dealer.

            Dope-amine, that is.

          8. Contagious says:

            Or maybe he bit an electrical cord to know how it feels. Poor Santana never had a mate! I jest but I loved him once.

          9. KitKat says:

            Poor Santana. Was he super duper soft? Did you nuzzle him against your cheek a lot? I bet he was so cute when he took a dust bath! I know you cared about him, and I don’t mean to be insensitive with my joking.
            If it makes you feel better, I make fun of my own tragedies as well.
            Case in point:
            Today I locked myself out of my house, and the only person with a spare key is my ex, who passed away a few months ago.
            You guys inspired me, and I thought about going to his grave with a Ouija board to ask him where my keys are.
            He was a joker like me though, and would probably tell me to grab a shovel because he was buried with them.

            P.S. He was my ex BEFORE he died, not BECAUSE he died.
            That would be funny though. “Oh, I drove you to an early grave, did I? Well guess what mister: We’re through!!”, punctuated with a slap across his face.
            Best wake EVER.

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