Knowing the Narcissist : The Darkness
Do you feel the darkness as it coils about you? Do you see those midnight black tendrils as they slither towards you? Do you recognise that encroaching cloak of nothingness as it begins to wrap around you? Do you see how the inky murk blots out parts of your life as your friends become obscured by the gathering darkness? Have you any idea what is waiting for you in the shade as the pools of despair begin to form at your feet? Can you feel the icy embrace as the levels of gloom start to rise, swallowing you up bit by bit? Are you aware of the advancing chasm as it swallows up your family, wrenching them away from you consigning them to oblivion?
The engulfing darkness causes them to vanish and even their desperate cries and shouts become muffled and then extinguished. Do you remember what held your interest before this fog arrived? Can you recall those hobbies and past times that entertained you and gave you a sense of who you were as you enjoyed engaging in them and with other people? Can you or is the fog too thick so that you doubt if you ever did undertake them at all? Have you noticed how the air has become thicker and cloyed with poison or do you breathe it in oblivious to the toxicity that comes with it? Are you aware how the twilight has percolated into your ears so that everything you hear has become twisted and distorted? Do you recognise what is patently before you or do the shadowy shapes and figures make little sense when they once did?
Have you realised that your words have become dust in your mouth as the fur of the darkness fills your mouth and slides down your throat, strangling the sounds you try to make? Do you feel the icy embrace of this impenetrable wall of darkness which advances to you and over you? Do you recognise this glacier of despair as it slides over you, subsuming you and sucking you deep inside, preserving you in a dark, icy tomb? Do you even see your reflection in the mirror anymore or has that become masked in darkness too, the glass dulled so that everything becomes obscured and shows something else entirely?
Do you see those shades which come and torment you, their sinewy fingers pulling at you as they strip you piece by piece of what you are? Do you observe these wraiths as they devour you, sucking what you are into their dark maws? How does it feel as this corrupting night brings permanent darkness to your world? Do you see how nothing grows anymore when touched by the gloomy taint? Do you smell that foul stench which accompanies this unending blanket of murk?
The acrid fumes which waft into your nostrils and eradicate anything sweet and pleasant. Do you notice how your tongue lies flat and useless in your mouth, little more than a cold slab? Do you even acknowledge how everything tastes like ash? Do you feel the leaden weight of this darkness pulling at you, slowing you and seeking to engulf you? Do you recognise how it prevents you from breaking free, this glue-like morass which has fastened on to you and will not yield?
Do you notice the fatigue that now wraps around you, leeching at your energy and vitality? Do you hear anything other than the whispers of malevolent control that rattle about your beleaguered brain? Do you know who you are or has this vast amorphous darkness eradicated your sense of being?
Do you remember what it was to feel uplifted, joyous and happy or have you become accustomed to the flat, perilous embrace of this total darkness?
Do you even feel anything anymore other or has the cosseting black cloud anaesthetised you, numbing and freezing?
Do you feel the darkness? No, you never do.
You never see the darkness until you have seen the light.
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Many get a tingly sixth sense about someone. I do feel this then I look for the eyes. I have left places because of it. Once I didn’t go into a grocery store because of the man ahead of me. Paranoid? I don’t think so as it’s not often. And not all in the criminal Justice system have I had this encounter. There was a woman at the dog park who many liked. I didn’t. Nothing she said. But she had what I call goat eyes and I felt she had some unresolved anger not raging but some degree of malice so I left or avoided her “ hellos.” It was a year after meeting her I learned she attacked an Asian man at the dog park. A reliable witness and police witness said it was not called for meaning out of the blue without a dispute. She was a big woman who sat on him and ripped his face apart with her nails. Awful. Lots of blood. This victim man is actually the chef for the billionaire Segerstroms family and gave King Charles a cooking lesson ( he gave me one of Charles favorite recipes and it’s good). Word on the street was it was racially motivated but that’s just gossip. I think it’s something deeper. Her eyes. I have seen darkness in many settings schools, churches, parks, streets and the worse airplanes where they board the same flight. I will give another example, we had an HOA renovation. The PM came to my house when it was time. I have been around workers at the HOA for many years owning a beach condo for almost 20 years but he made me stuck in my place. I looked at him and he looked at me and I felt cold dread. His eyes were goat eyes but a predatory feel. I looked him up on Meagan’s list after meeting him and I found he was a sexual predator and a rapist and reported my findings to the HOA. Apparently he raped a woman on another project hiding in the shower. Others showed up with feelings he was not right. He got fired. My car got keyed. I could go on … but I know others have seen the layers beneath the goat eyes? What did you see? Icy cold? Empty? Shifts? Furtiveness? It’s not the same but always foreboding. Please tell, I would love to hear your stories. They say the best defense is not to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. To always act confident, check your car’s back seat before entering, lock your doors, keep your keys between your fingers like a knife, and to always trust your instincts. My instinct is to leave immediately with loved ones with me even dogs. I never regret it. Even if I was wrong. Funny as I stare at them they stare at me. Only for an instant. They seem curious. But that’s probably because I look at them like “ oh my God.” Lol
My point is there is a darkness you meet with some people but behind it there are different layers both consciously and unconsciously. Is that right HG?
Yes.
Thank you. You are the master of the subject;) And it makes me feel validated in my instincts which helps overall…..;)
HG is this also a contagion thing? Identifying a rustle behind the darkness? Feeling a different energy? You did a YouTube on it, I think that unhinged me to its accuracy as if you lived the moments in my head. I was “ Godsmacked” but the blog only involved one type… the worst of the worst. The scariest. Not the others I have met.
It is.
I could not get this article by HG out of my head. I have experience with meeting those with absolute darkness in my career especially in my he DAs office but I was there briefly. I met resists, gang members, pedophiles drug dealers and murderers. The calm goat eyes , I have seen. I have been to a woman’s prison where the cheerleader Barbie girl with goat eyes put an axe through her boyfriends place. But I can tell you There are variances to darkness and I don’t know why. I only know what I felt. The big fat greasy haired stepdad who slept with his gorgeous cheerleader dad who slept with his daughter from 8 to 16 who she “ loved”, I saw his eyes. It was different. The man I stupidly rushed in and married who I had a child with who I intimately knew, diagnosed as ASPD during a child custody dispute who was top court appointed psychologist of decades who retired after my case… it was different. Darkness feels different. The drug dealer killer felt like a dead animal dying with nothing to lose. Dead but with an angry hunger behind it. I had no doubt spending a few hours with him looking into those eyes for a prelim that life meant nothing to him. Just don’t step in his way. The pedophile who raped his daughter who I had to prosecute and spent hearings with was furtive behind dead eyes. All I can say is he felt like a dog digging digging a hole without stop or emotion. Compulsive without thought just a compulsive need towards nothing inside. The mob attorney I had a civil case with was breath stopping in his evil cold icy without limit stare and presence. I could barely breathe. It took all I had to endure that case. The most scariest person I ever met. The Barbie who it an axe in her boyfriends head but met with me as a law student in a prisoners rights class I took to be “ balanced in my career choices” was normal but almost manic. Her eyes even talking mundane matters like getting her personal belongings out of storage and the costs, were like a tornado twisting in a storm. But my ex until the divorce was fury was empty. Nothing. Not an evil darkness just nothing, nobody home. Calm. Steady. Nothing. No ups. No downs. Everything routine or transactional. His only “ thrill” was gambling or making money even if it met saving it by a better deal. My dream about the murderer of my best friend years ago involved a coldness but a fear a fury of being trapped and needing escape. I woke up screaming as I felt his adrenaline rage. In my dream I felt my friend and him. It was so awful I was on my knees screaming praying to God to never let me dream this again. So while I have seen “ darkness” it varies in my experience. I have no idea why. Maybe that’s why Dante wrote about various levels of Hell. HG is untouchable. Maybe he can explain my different but thank God infrequent differences with those with what I call the goat eyed ones. I only know what I know. Does it resonate with you? Is it a contagion thing? Are there differences or is it just me? I don’t know. I can tell you I have always had this 29? Handsome dressed all in black man who I call the trickster who lives like a drug addict or a dealer by a parking garage where darkness exists next to life. Afterlife. He has shown up in my dreams on occasion but when I am dealing with him he also has the goat eyes. He asks me to follow him, he is handsome, charming and has goat eyes. He has shown me ugly truths for an exchange, I won’t take. He has sat next to me, held me, whispered in my ear. He wants you to come with him. To visit his base. He pops around as time has no relevance nothing does. He is goth and edgy. Truth does not exist in him just a sales pitch to come with him. I don’t know who he is. He only rarely appears in dreams. But I know he is dark. Perhaps an archetype? Anyone else experience any of the he above?
Btw the man who killed my best friend almost 14 years ago pled guilty to second degree murder.
Contagious,
No joke–the person you described in your dream sounds like one of my exes. He lived in Houston and–I swear–I met his doppelganger in Manhattan when I went there. I had my boyfriend on the phone at the time, and his double right in front of me at the UCB theater. I wasn’t dreaming or tripping. Scared me shit less. He even moved like him. Like a film scene of someone walking, but sort of like with frames missing.
I could NOT look him in the eyes during sex. I made that mistake the first time. Azazel. But I couldn’t get enough. He really was a demon.
I don’t tend to put stock in such things, but I make exceptions for him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were an actual wraith giving you nightmares. I stopped talking to him after I found out he desecrated a corpse. Then, I couldn’t have his hands on me. That, you could say, was my hard limit.
For myself,
I’ve wrestled with darkness a long time. Since early childhood.
Eventually, with nothing left to give to the fight ( following so many years of emotional turmoil, repeated failures, destructiveness, self sabotage & internal pain,) ..I turned to the bible. As a complete sceptic, but willing to try anything new at that point..
In the deepest troughs of despair, I spoke the words infront of me.
It was small, but there was an unusual sense of peace afterwards.
I couldn’t/cant explain it, but the brief detachmemt from that gnawing, salivating shadow felt like a vacation to me.
I rationalise that the act of prayer may be a more effective tool for meaningful reflection, gratitude & greater awareness..
all things I had already explored and believed myself to be practicing.
I also rationalise that the universe is so much more complex than my pea-size monkey brain could ever process & comprehend. The idea that I know what is real or not, may be entirely ridiculous.
I think that at the point that I stepped out of my established frames of reference ( beliefs, pre/misconceptions, experiences ) and accepted that my perspective at this time and in this place are dimensionally limited to a ‘given’ mindset, my mind then found new & improved ways for me to ‘cope.’
I don’t imagine for one minute that I’ve come closer to identifying that which my specific frequency resonates towards. I sense shift in energy that feels positive, negative or neutral to me.
I don’t steer clear of all things negative as I believe there is much to learn at the place which scares me the most..
I will never work the world out, but I hope to work myself out one day.
Thanks for reading 🙏
What a compelling way to convey the bleak, monotone depression that understimulation leaves one with!