Knowing the Narcissist : 5 Myths About the Narcissist
There is too much incorrect information about narcissism. It is misleading, incomplete and often even dangerous.
I read views propounded about me and my kind, with interest but a weary familiarity with regard to the common errors that will be made. There are some intelligent and well-reasoned observations about what we do and why we do it, although they are not new.. Other views are purely driven by the understandable anger and hurt that is engendered in people by us, although as I have repeatedly sought to explain, when one operates through emotion, poor decisions are made and the clear picture is not observed. I also frequently come across comments which are made about us which are inaccurate. I am not referring to the disagreement one might have in terms of an ad hominem attack against us. Many people consider us to be arseholes and bastards. I understand that viewpoint, many of my kind would disagree, but it is not that kind of value judgement that makes its way to becoming a myth about us.
There are other more important misconceptions. As part of my ongoing work in explaining what we are, why we do what we do and your involvement in this narcissistic dynamic, it is just as important to explain what we are, as detail what we are not. With that purpose in mind, I turn to five myths about our kind so you can continue to receive the best information and understanding, from me. Time to slay some myths.
- We have no emotions
This view has gained some traction owing to the fact that my kind function with a considerable emptiness inside of us. The existence of this void can cause people to believe that because we are a shell and a husk that we are devoid of emotions. The fact that we feed off other people’s emotions also supports the view that we have none of our own. We need to steal the emotions that other people experience to enable us to feel.
The fact is that we do experience and feel certain emotions. We experience annoyance, anger and rage. Indeed, the churning fury which is always there beneath the surface, ready to be ignited, is a prevailing emotion of ours. We know boredom, disgust and loathing. We are very familiar with jealousy, envy, shame and hatred. Malice, malevolence, anticipation, contempt, aggression and power are further ones. Our stable of emotions is dominated by negative emotions. These are the ones which have been allowed to develop and that is because the force behind these emotions has been harnessed to allow us to achieve our aims. Our hatred for being devoid of fuel, drives us on to extract it. Our disgust at weakness causes us to always want to maintain superiority and strength. It is these emotions which make us effective and ruthless.
By contrast we do not experience joy or happiness, sadness or regret, serenity or love, remorse or guilt. These are alien to us along with others. We either have never known them or they have been stripped from us in order to allow us to operate with greater effectiveness, free from encumbrance and hindrance. We understand emotions because we want yours directed towards us. We understand how to mimic them and we understand when they should be exhibited (although some of our kind are better at this than others) but ultimately we do experience some emotions, just nowhere near as much as you.
- Copying us infuriates us
No it does not. If we are angry with you and shouting, if you decide to mirror this behaviour, all you are doing is providing us with fuel. If you parrot what we say to you, if there is any emotion attached to it, even if it is said with sarcasm, a sneer or contempt, it is fuel. If you decide to fall silent because we have, we may realise that the silent treatment is not reaping the fuel that we expected, but it does not infuriate us. Instead, we will just switch to a different form of manipulation in order to cause you to provide us with fuel. You find it hard after a while to keep mirroring what we are doing, your emotional capacity is such that it usually breaks through in some form and thus fuel is provided. We also recognise what you are doing and if you are giving us fuel, we will let you continue to mirror us. If you are not, your mirroring is not a criticism therefore there is no wounding, but we will shift to a different behaviour to bring forth the fuel.
- We miss you when you are gone
No, we miss your fuel, not you. That is what we miss most of all. We may also miss the traits that we were able to steal from you and also the residual benefits that you provided. It is something that victims of our kind find very difficult to accept. Surely some of what we said and did was genuine? It seemed that way, so surely it must have been? It must be the case that we liked somethings that you did? We did; the fuel, the traits and the residual benefits. We did not care about whether you were humorous, save that your sense of humour was appropriated by us for the purpose of making us seem better with other people. The radiant smile is only missed because it gave us fuel. Your extensive knowledge about wine was again another trait which made us look better.
Not only is it only these things that we miss when you are gone, the simple fact remains that if we discarded you, we decided that you were no longer worth the effort in keeping around and in most cases, we had identified and seduced a replacement. With this person in place, we focus on them, only turning to you to dole out Malign Follow-Up Hoovers (or Benign ones later when the replacement begins to turn stale). There is little doubt that you loved us with everything that you had, that you thought the world of us and nobody could have done for us what you did, but that is all from your perspective. Once we have discarded you, that all counts for nothing. You became a malfunctioning appliance and you have been replaced. We miss nothing about you.
If you escape, we will miss the three items that I detailed above and indeed we will look to recover them through the Initial Grand Hoover and Follow-Up Hoovers but do not think that our protestations of being unable to live without you, how we cannot imagine another day with you and we miss you so much, have anything to do with you as a person. They do not. We are unable to live without your fuel, we cannot imagine another day without using your traits and miss your residual benefits so much. All of these declarations, pleas, begging gestures and so forth are only designed to recover the three principle reasons we attach you. You can tell yourself that we miss you terribly if it makes you feel better but you are misleading yourself.
- We hate being alone
We need people. There is no doubt about that. We need people because we need the three principle benefits, chief amongst which is fuel, but that is not the same as saying we hate to be alone. In this instance, there is a degree of truth in the above statement but it requires considerable qualification. If we have been well-fueled we are able to be alone, engage in solitary activities and spend time in our own company without difficulty. Of course, the longer this goes on, eventually our fuel level drops and we will need to seek out people, but we do not hate being alone in such a situation.
Furthermore, the advantages of technology mean that although we may not be physically proximate to somebody, the advantages of Skype, text messages, telephone calls and even hand-written letters allows us to be on our own but in contact with many fuel sources. Add to this Thought Fuel and you have a situation whereby we can be physically isolated but with such connections we can manage perfectly well extracting all of these variable fuel types.
Remove such connections however and in a situation when our fuel levels are already low and we are physically isolated with no means of contacting people and that is when you shall see that we hate to be alone.
- We have a conscience
We do not. We think only of ourselves, our needs and how each situation can benefit us. We may appear to exhibit a conscience in order to con people and this is something more witnessed with the Mid-Range and Greater Narcissist, in order to fit in to a situation and people’s expectations but we have been created without a need for a conscience. If we had one, we would not be able to trample on people in the way we do. We would not be able to always be moving forward, never caring for what has gone before us. If ever you witness a situation where one of our kind appears to have had our conscience pricked, all it means is that we see an advantage in pretending that this is the case and we wish to dupe you and others for our own benefit.K
18 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : 5 Myths About the Narcissist”
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It is relatively easy to identify toxic and abusive behaviors, but learning about narcissism, more precisely NPD, over about the last 15 years has finally enabled me to put pieces together. Reflecting and writing via interacting with HG’s content has been clarifying and personally illuminating.
I grew up with quite a few familial narcissists on one side of the family but it has been difficult to face and embrace them fully. Of course I had no idea what NPD was and only a pop psych grasp on human behavior.
I conceptualized of them as the old world side. A rough and rowdy lot. Men and women occupied rigidly defined, separate spheres. ‘Our people’ were exclusively our ethnic group. This side of the family were equal opportunity bigots, well practiced at hate. All fire, no cuddles.
Children were to obey, be seen only if receiving reprimands or instructions. Praise only contributed to vanity, so naturally it was withheld. Empathy was for suckers and losers who chose to be easy marks.
Very confusing given the other side of the family was generations established contemporary American mutts. My interveners.
My second husband wrote ‘The Story of Life.’ The Amazon description alone will give you an entertaining portrait of a grandiose narcissist. Wouldn’t recommend reading all 800 some pages of the manifesto. He believes every word, which took time to wrap my head around. When we met, he said the cult was in his past. Later he returned to it but I strongly suspect he deliberately mislead me and/or himself from the start.
About 15 years ago my daughter revealed something to her therapist about her stepfather. Her therapist pulled me aside, without revealing what my child had shared, and asked if I was alright. I was not.
The therapist recommended a couple books about narcissism and I have been on a learning curve ever since. Funny thing is Amazon kept recommending ‘Fuel’ to me years ago but I was put off by the cover.
Post divorce, a brief relationship never took off and introduced me to covert narcissism. Clearly there was more to learn. Started with Sam Vaknin, Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter on YouTube. I’m not religious, but The Royal We is my kind of straight talker. About 6 months ago the algorithm started recommending HG.
It has been his content that has finally allowed me to assemble disparate pieces gathered over the years into a somewhat coherent narrative and its been a tremendous pleasure to write. Thanks for the generous feedback!
And as always,
A sincere thank you HG
Hi, sorry for not having replied earlier. Love your new avatar picture…Byzantine!
Thank you very much for sharing how you found HG and the path which led you here, I enjoyed reading your thoughts, as always! Writing must be either one of your passions or a profession and I hope to read more of your feedback on the articles and about your conclusions or questions.
Here you’ll find all the answers you were looking for, absolutely. HG creates an unforgettable experience for everyone who crosses his path, just as you’ve put it — illuminating!
(Sometimes WordPress has glitches and forgets to send replies, please don’t wonder if something may remain unanswered by other readers.)
Thanks. I’ve noted glitches but I’ll try and keep up. New avatar is Olga of Kyiv. Admire her spirit. Bye for now.
I was born in Kyiv❤️🔥 Now I must check her out!!
Thank you!!!!
Oh forgot to mention! Unfortunately Dr. Ramani plagiarises HG’s work. We call her Dr. Plagiariser… And she has difficulties recognising narcissists when she interviews them or analyses their song texts, as for instance with Taylor Swift (Greater)…
Ah. She who will not be mentioned on this blog again. She was helpful at the start, but I would never rely on one source. Especially not on YouTube. Outside in and inside out descriptions help layer a full picture. Take care!
How about Tim Fletcher? He’s also extremely helpful, more broadly on CPTSD with some narcissism content as well. I always forget to mention him. Maybe because he has such an Everyman Dad vibe. I always feel bad for neglecting to mention him.
Oh god we’re alike! I have Tim Fletcher’s videos saved in a playlist, yet never had the time to watch.
See…neglation.
(I didn’t hear/read anything negative about TF.)
Hi Dee Toast, we all got here in a round about way. But HG gives real world examples you can’t deny…
Where does he go?
If I’m grasping this correctly, it sounds like aware narcissists are mission driven. Their mission is exclusively individual.
In my opinion, an empathic contrast would be process driven, prioritizing change through experiential learning. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Thus once you have discarded us there can be, for some, no regrets regarding love freely given along the way while recognizing precisely who we loved. The only way to achieve empathic prime aims is collectively.
In my experience, the addiction and emotional thinking are distinct from empathy. They are challenges to be tamed. Different grades of fuel appear able to flow both ways. Not, as conventionally understood, one way through a bowl with a hole at bottom.
For the unaware, ‘the narcicism’ is the mission, the background app. That helps explain why most narcicists can be so confusing. There are no abiding principles outside their individual narcicism guiding their behaviors.
How do aware narcissists develop their mission? Was it fixed when the cake was baked? Are there a series of missions, especially since your kind is quickly bored? I’m fairly certain maturity might more fully inform or expand the mission. Or does the mission choose the narcissist?
As always,
Thank-you HG
The mission of the away narcissist is the same as that of the unaware narcissist, it is the pursuit of the Prime Aims.
Dee, it’s one ring to rule them all. Here’s the mission outlined:
https://narcsite.com/2023/03/17/knowing-the-narcissist-the-narcissists-desiderata/
Thanks for the link. I’m relatively new to HG and its an awful lot of content to sort out. Appreciate the guidance!
You’re very welcome! You may be new but your observations are as if you were familiar with all of it and very interesting. And yes I agree it’s a lot of content, very complex at times, I find, but it’s worth it. Something one won’t find anywhere else. Awesome that you joined! If I may ask, how did you find HG?
Hello Dee:
I find your comments interesting as it is always good to question a rule. I agree that empaths are communal. I think that’s a plus, without a community what do you have? No doubt libraries, social security, etc… are born of empaths. Community-oriented achievements are accomplishments that contribute to the well-being, development, and improvement of a community. These achievements typically involve collaboration, volunteerism, social responsibility, and efforts aimed at addressing communal needs or enhancing community life. Not something narcs can do. Such as:
Successfully planning events like festivals, fairs, or social gatherings that bring people together and foster Consistently volunteering time and skills to help local charities, shelters, food banks, or community centers. Leading or participating in projects that improve community infrastructure, such as building playgrounds, renovating public spaces, or conducting neighborhood clean-ups. Establishing or supporting educational initiatives, like tutoring programs, workshops, or after-school activities for children and adults. Engaging in or leading efforts to promote sustainability, such as tree planting, recycling programs, community gardens, or conservation projects. Organizing health fairs, fitness activities, mental health awareness programs, or campaigns to promote healthy living within the community.
Creating or participating in groups that advocate for social justice, support marginalized communities, or provide platforms for voices that need to be heard. Successfully raising funds for community projects, local non-profits, or residents in need through drives, events, or campaigns. Actively engaging in local governance by attending city council meetings, participating in local elections, or serving on community boards and committees.: Promoting local culture and arts through organizing exhibitions, performances, cultural festivals, or supporting local artists.
Community-oriented achievements not only enhance the community’s quality of life but also foster connections, resilience, and a collective spirit among its members.
Don’t get me started on the martyrs who changed history…
We aren’t the lesser half, we are just different.
Contagious, love your new picture, so sweet!!!!😘😘😘
Awwww thanks Jordy! Very kind!