The Books of HG Tudor
I have written numerous books about the subject of narcissism. From explaining what powers the narcissist in Fuel to the fascinating power exchanges between narcissist and victim in Sex and the Narcissist through to how to purge the narcissist from your life in Exorcism, I have provided you with a wealth of insight, information and practical knowledge. I know many of you have read these books and accordingly, I am inviting you to list your top ten (or fewer if you have read less than ten) with number one being your favourite. What did you like best about the books you have ranked highest? Was it knowledge that helped you in your personal circumstance? Did you learn something that blew your mind? Did it cause something to finally fall into place? Did you learn more about me? Let me know in your comments section.
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Chained and sex and the narcissist are my 2 favorite.
I am still under the grip of narcissists. And the books which I found most helpful were ‘Fuel’ & ‘Escape’. HG exactly knows how would the narcissists think & behave & that is why these books have provided me insight into the minds of the narcissists I am dealing with.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Mr. Tudor,
Now I’d like to ask you, which one of your books would you say is essential for a person coming to the subject of narcissism to read?
It depends on where they are at with their understanding and what they want to achieve.
If they grasp the concept of narcissism and want to get away from the narcissist, then No Contact.
If they are dealing with a problematic person but they are not sure what they are dealing with Black Flag.
If they want to understand why the narcissist behaves as they do Fuel.
I am working on a book called The Framework which provides an overarching understanding of narcissism and links to existing works, so a comprehensive publication exists to aid those coming to the topic fresh.
Hello HG: Exactly. My ex is a man middle lesser so Fury was what helped me the most where as Fury exists with all narcs someone with a greater might need another book to read first. That was my first purchase, I have read them all twice. Took notes. I am eager for your new material. I am a sure thing at purchasing:)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Contagious.
Mr. Tudor,
Thank you for your response! I think a book about the framework of narcissism is a brilliant idea!
Dear HG,
I hope people like my best friend can be reached with this new book. Xx
I have almost all of your books and back then it all was completely world shattering when I engaged in a marathon of reading the articles, reading the archives, parallel listening to the videos from your old channel and the current channel, reading the books, reading the KHG forum and also participating in the blogworld – it was a lot of information to digest and to sort out in a rather short period of time and by now I have a whole new compartment in my brain for the HG Tudor World and the cartography of the landscape is now beginning to sort out the data amount. I don’t know yet how to pick the most impactful piece to this universe. To discover the world through your system is an experience of the world changing completely and this irreversible effect is the outcome of the intense combination of your gigantic output and a combination of my interest and addiction melting into one for the sake of a quest for the Holy Grail I guess…
Thank you Jordyguin.
But still to give it a try and sort out the order for the ranking of books it could be distilled to three factors: Number one is the man behind the voice and his becoming. They say the eyes are the window to whatever essense of the person but for me it’s the voice which is equal. If the voice is a cacophony of sounds I cannot engage with what the person has to say, the disharmony pushes away. To your voice I can listen every single day which is rare beyond comparison. I usually disengage with a voice i.e. information based on the sound of the melody in the voice and I’m not pushing myself through a bad concert and either leave their presence or zone out. Written information has more chances to come through but in reality the whole package preferably plays a role. The indulgence for your voice is essential, the knowledge and enlightenment I’m gaining is a bonus. Since the bits of your biography are spread across several books it would be that extracted information about the man behind the voice which I personally find most fascinating in the books. In combination with world changing knowledge it shapes the presence of the Holy Grail for me.
The second place is occupied by the concept of life blood – and thus the book Fuel. This is something no one else managed to describe in such clarity and is the reason behind the driver for your kind. I can recommend Fuel as the crux for understanding what the narcissist is primarily after – fuel and prime aims, and upon that realisation all else falls into place and can be enhanced via specifics of the other books.
Number three is the base of invasion – Sitting Target. Also easier to pass on to a narc-magnet: “Your person of interest selected and targeted you specifically because you fit the criteria”. That sparks interest and I can share the bits and recommend the book where this process and the reasoning behind is described.
The books Fury, Chained, Sex, No Contact, Red Flag, Manipulated, Revenge and others go into more specific areas of the situation and understanding requirements and would be in the second wave of recommendations, depending on the personality of the person. For instance my best friend was recently head over heels for her therapist and what she shared with me about their dynamic was overrun with red flags but she didn’t want to hear anything about red flags during the active phase of rose tinted glasses. However, some of what I’ve suggested to pay attention to she listened eventually and it kinda worked with the therapist but she is still drunk on pain and hurt pride which pushes her to visit the hunting grounds (clubs) to seek out validation which she gets from all the men after her longterm unhappy relationship. The other friend places sex on top of everything and is non stop ensnared through that area as the earliest step, so with her it would be Sex as the first book recommendation but she’s not fluent in english so it varies what I can recommend. I noticed that the videos are now available in different languages which makes it easier to share with the non-English speakers who are in the majority of my circle. That’s an advance of YouTube and AI we’ve been waiting for, huzzah!
I’ve read three…
Decipher – Fascinating. It’s also something that I have to extrapolate information from…there are parallels with the people that I have known…but I don’t think I have ever been the IPPS of a narcissist. I think I have been a canIPPS and NIPS and NISS.
Red Flag – This one is more of a thinking it out and extrapolating how it applies as a non-IPPS situations or what I witnessed of probable IPPS situations with more manipulative people. It’s an excellent book…and I am trying to figure out how to work with the knowledge contained to help myself in ways that may be rather different from others.
Manipulated – Completely invaluable. I am looking forward to Manipulated 2. This is invaluable for looking back on so many interactions with someone who was unconsciously manipulative toward me (and every one else I saw them interact with and heard about them interact with). It’s good to observe when looking at current technology…it’s brilliant. And also a bit infuriating…I get mad at myself for having been duped.
I’m eagerly anticipating audiobooks soon. Particularly, Sitting Target. I know that I will get more out of listening to the glorious, chocolatey velvety mellifluous tones of the magnificent Ultra. I will just sink into them and listen over and over and over, sir. It’s a gift…this ability to stem by relistening to your work obsessively. I hear you reading Manipulated and Red Flag in my head as it is when I revisit them. It’s an amazing presence you create in every piece of your work, sir.
Thank you for everything. Much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you, sir.
I think Manipulated is probably the one that has been the most useful to me and stands to be the most useful if I make myself move forward and do something that will be difficult for me…but that I think is really necessary…I just need to decide what is the best path for the critical observations that I have made.
Is there anything that goes with “Manipulated”–a test of sorts…I guess that would help us learn where we are at in our skills regarding spotting them and would instruct us in where we can focus to improve our observation skills for manipulations? That would be amazing. That’s a skill I really want to build and strengthen.
There is Match the Manipulations.
Thank you, sir!
Top Ten HG Tudor Books.
10. Pipelines.
I was less interested in the fuel matrix to start with, I was more consumed by my own ensnarement if I’m honest. Later though I learned that different narcissists have different fuel matrices, constructed differently with different reliance placed on the various appliances. Pipelines clearly explains the fuel matrix concept together with the role of the various appliances and how important each appliance is to each school of narcissist.
9. Red Flag / Black Flag.
Crucial in protecting yourself and others as you move forward. A must read before re entering the dating scene. I’ve used these more for others ( my daughter for example) than I did for myself and found them useful.
8. Evil.
I really enjoyed evil. Packed with examples of what a narcissist might do. Revealing in terms of how he thinks which I found quite funny in places. Very clear on what abuse is and what it looks like.
7. Chained.
This is actually one of my favourites but is ranked lower as it is more school specific. I have a CoD minority element so it was useful in terms of identifying where and why that element lights up for me. I enjoyed the cohesive feel to Chained, it felt more like a complete story with a character I warmed to and felt invested in.
6. Sex & The Narcissist.
I was shocked by how such an intimate act, something I regard as being so special in a relationship, could be so devoid of intimacy. I was disgusted and saddened in equal measure.
5. Sitting Target.
It made me realise that ensnarement wasn’t my fault. I understand which boxes I tick and which I don’t, therefore which narcissists will go for me and which won’t. I actually found that quite freeing. The hunting grounds were a revelation and useful to know. Special traits reinforced the need to remain guarded about how much I share with people.
4. Fury.
I’ve seen fury quite a lot but wouldn’t have equated cold fury to fury. This provided a lot of context to my own experiences. Fury as a shield and a means to heal a wound was particularly interesting to me from an energy perspective. It does require energy to shield, and a lot of it so this made sense to me. This one has the bonus of having more information about HG himself.
3. Manipulated.
When I arrived I didn’t know anything about narcissism at all. I’d vaguely heard reference to love bombing but that was it. Manipulated lays out all of the key concepts from love bombing, isolation, guilt, silence through to devaluation and gaslighting. It’s a core text for those new to understanding narcissism and ensnarement.
2. Exorcism.
Personal choice. I was plagued by sadness post escape. Nothing helped. Even when I kept busy, had conversations, went to work, the sadness was always sitting in the background. There is a paragraph in exorcism that made all the difference to me. The book itself was a turning point in my recovery.
1. Fuel.
It’s a breakthrough book. I think really it has to be the first book everyone reads because it explains so much about why narcissists behave as they do. I had no clue about negative fuel, that wouldn’t have ever entered my head. The ranking of different positive statements shocked me. The point system example was excellent and really drove the concept home to me. I found it unbelievable to start with yet I know now it’s absolutely true.
If I was recommending five books that everyone should read if they want to gain a solid foundation for understanding narcissism, I think I’d probably switch out Exorcism as it was more of a personal choice and replace it with Sex and the Narcissist. I’d likely have Red Flag / Black flag far higher too, possibly in place of Fury.
I really find the books useful as they take a concept and explain it in depth, I enjoy these ten books for that reason.
Thank you TS, I found it interesting to understand your thought process behind the selection in terms of personal impact alongside the considerations of general applicability of my works.
You’re welcome HG. I was itching to add in Ask. That was the first material of yours I read I think. I read it and thought, “Ok, this guy really knows what he’s talking about.” At that point I needed to be certain that ‘this guy’(!) really knew what he was talking about!
But of course!
HI TS,
I gave Black Flag to my daughter recently because she got ensnared again. Thankfully, it was only for a very short period. Her mind was blown after reading and now she can’t stop reading Mr. Tudor’s books. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it sticks this time!
Sitting Target is, to date, my all time favorite. Explaining both the narcissist and the empath, how and why different types end up together etc. So fascinating!
I love all the books though and have read most multiple times. I look forward very much to more books being released! Super excited for that!! HG, you are a phenomenal writer!
Thank you.
Hi HG
For me number 1 will always be Chained. Being Co-Dependent this book explained so much to me not just about the relationship about a narcissist and his codependent, it also helped me to see me and the behaviors I had with narcissists. The second book would be Sex how the narcissist views sex and the role it plays. Because sex played an important in my life from a small child on up and as I discovered with years of reading and consulting with HG that was my number one way of being ensnared and not even knowing it. I suppose three would be the book Fuel and four would have to be Why, Understanding the narcissists behavior. Actually all of the books you wrote are important to me in one way or another I learned something in each one of them and still will go back and reread them. I believe you have to keep that knowledge fresh in order to not fall victim again. To continue on with the order of importance these books are to me would make this comment extremely long. I have learned the same if not more about myself in the last ten years than narcissists.
Thank you FM1T.
Oh, I just saw your questions to Leigh…
For me, Desert Island book: Confessions of a Narcissist – that way I get to bring three! 😛
Essential book: Fuel
Here’s my list HG – of my Top Ten recommended books:
1. Sitting Target
I have explained previously (here on the blog and in my interview with HG) why this is my number one favourite book of his, but I will reiterate: I dragged my heals over obtaining this one and I don’t know really know why. Once I finally did read it, it truly dispelled any illusion or remaining romanticized notions I had about the story of meeting my narcissist. Which, in the end, was a good thing.
2. Confessions of a Narcissist (series)
I found this series of books very enjoyable for its insight into HG himself.
3. Fuel
Fundamental reading for learning about narcissists and HG’s work – and so mind-blowing once you understand how important fuel (plus residuals benefits) is to a narcissist.
4. Chained
This is another one I delayed getting to but you can’t really understand Co-dependent empaths without it. The word “co-dependent” is thrown around a lot in therapy, counseling and relationship advice circles – and you think you grasp it, but the understanding of “co-dependency” in mainstream psychology is vague and lacking.
This book also has insight into HG’s relationship with his sister.
5. Sex and The Narcissist
Another great one for dispelling romanticized notions about the intimate relationship with a narcissist and revealing what sex truly is to them.
6. The Devil’s Toolkit
This is one that I read early on in my discovery of HG’s work; a creative list of the narcissist’s manipulations.
7. Exorcism
This one I had put off reading because I underestimated the importance and impact of everpresence and ridding your life of things that remind you of the narcissist – it’s not that I still cherished or valued such items (there were not out and about where I could see them), it was a matter of unfinished business and tying up loose ends for my own mental health.
8. Fury
Insightful and also required reading, in conjunction with Fuel, for fully grasping HG’s work.
9. Manipulated
Another good primer.
With regard to the narcissist’s manipulations – I have to say what a learning curve this was for me. I recall struggling – in the early stages of stumbling upon HG’s work -with identifying the manipulations and labeling them. This especially became evident when compiling information to send to HG to assess the narcissists in my life (pre-Narc Detector and post-NDC). I think this may be because it had become my normal – growing up with a narc parent and then being in relationships with narcs pretty much my entire adult life (until escaping the LMRN and finding HG’s work). I recall stalling on sending in an NDC because I didn’t feel I had properly labelled the manipulations – and HG said to just list some of the behaviours and send it in. Fast forwarding to present times – I can now not only identify and label the manipulations, but often I can recognize them in real time interactions (at my workplace for example) and even, at times, predict them – and while conversing, I wonder which manipulation the particular individual will go with in their response to me. (It sharpens my skills and makes work more entertaining.)
10. The Narcissist in Covid-19 Lockdown
This was one my most favourites as well – it was so timely – and I would hazard a guess that many romantic ensnarements
came out of lockdown and are well into sustained devaluation as I type.
Hopefully many of such targeted individuals find HG Tudor’s work to help free themselves.
Thank you for sharing WC and expanding on the reasoning.
My pleasure, HG.
Since I am on a role with lists, I am working on a list of materials and videos of yours that really assisted me through my custody and co-parenting situation.
I look forward to digesting that list.
HG,
As promised, here’s the list of materials and videos that have been of great help to me during the course of my custody and co-parenting situation with a narcissist:
1. Narc Detector Consultation – because without knowing the school and cadre of narcissist you are dealing with, you cannot properly apply the knowledge and advice in the assistance packages and educational articles that follow.
2. How to handle the Narcissist in Court (logic bulletin) –
https://youtu.be/GeS2eTQXaww?feature=shared
The basics of dealing with a narcissist in a legal matter and solid, practical advice when actually having to attend court with a narcissist. I would often refer back to this simply to steady my mind over upcoming court dates.
3. How to Co-parent with a Narcissist (assistance package) – the best advice on this subject available; it provides insight into what to expect from differing schools of narcissists in this situation and very practical recommendations that you can apply when navigating co-parenting with a narc. I wish I had had access to this earlier in my family court matter.
4.Child Defender (assistance package) – this goes hand-in-hand with the Co-parenting assistance package.
5. Fear and the Empathic Victim (logic bulletin) – this logic bulletin, plus 6 on my list, got me through some very stressful times in my family legal matter. Applying the knowledge that my ex is LMRN – plus, how narcissists use threats (and therefore, your own fear) against you helped me to have patience, hedge my bets, and endure the tension while legal matters played out.
6. The Narcissist and Threats –
https://youtu.be/WT9C7OwbP8w?feature=shared
This is most helpful if you know the school of the narcissist you are dealing with, but is useful in all kinds of scenarios – not just in the legal arena and being on the receiving end of legal threats. This insight gave me an edge, even over my lawyers – because, although one has to be prudent, you can weigh how likely a narcissist is to follow through on a threat with such knowledge (in combination with knowing the type of narcissist you are dealing with.) Note: this can be affected by the particular lawyer who is working for the narcissist and what the lawyer is willing to follow through on.
7. Divorcing the Narcissist (assistance package) –
I did not have to divorce my ex, as we were common-law, but I have this package and have listened to it. Most helpful, in combination with the Co-parenting assistance package, if there are children involved.
8. Give The Narcissist Enough Rope –
https://youtu.be/WxGkpL9wjf4?feature=shared
One of my favourite videos, ever, from HG – I live by the truth in this video.
The reality of this has been born out so many times by my ex narcissist, in his court filings and in his interactions with our son. In court – especially when he was self-representing – he provided so much material that worked against him. For example, he provided a transcript of a conversation between himself and our son that he maintained was evidence of me discussing adult issues/legal matters with our son, but the transcript actually demonstrated that my ex was the one who initiated the conversation. This, in turn with other evidence, allowed my lawyer to reverse visitations to supervised access again (between my ex and our son) plus a summary judgment in our matter that resulted in a final order for full custody to me and supervised access only for my ex.
And then, as of late, our son has made it known that he doesn’t want to see his father after witnessing him be hostile and confrontational towards supervisory staff. (I don’t share about the past with my son and I don’t speak about his father to him – I knew he would see for himself and make up his own mind.)
9. How To Make a Request of a Narcissist – https://youtu.be/ErjBiQB6I5U?feature=shared
I never had to implement this much (because I really haven’t had to a lot of direct co-parenting with my ex) but I kept it in my back pocket, so to speak, if I was going to have direct dealings with my ex and parenting arrangements.
10. The Truth, The Half Truth and Nowhere Near the Truth –
https://youtu.be/oMxKRZ2zmYw?feature=shared
The information contained in is this video was so very helpful to me – it helped me not get caught up in the lengthy, convoluted and emotionally-charged (for me to read) documents that my ex would file. Especially when we were both self-representing, I would dread receiving these but knew that I had to eventually wade through the contents. I would wait until after my son had gone to bed, to open and read legal documents because I knew they would affect my mood for the entire day and my son would inquire why I was irritated or sad. I used the information in the video referenced as a way to categorize the contents in these writings from my ex – otherwise, it became too overwhelming. So, I would say to myself, as I was reading: “That’s the truth…that is a half-truth…and that is sure as hell nowhere near the truth!” One could even go through such a document systematically and, using ‘1’ for Truth, ‘2’ for Half-Truth and ‘3’ Nowhere near the Truth, label each point and this might help dispel the strong emotions in response to a narcissist’s lies, accusations and revisions of history.
11. Why You Cannot Resolve an Argument with a Narcissist -https://youtu.be/mSZ8b1B59f0?feature=shared
This video is an excellent resource to offer third party professionals, even if they don’t truly grasp what a narcissist is, they will have had dealings with difficult individuals that makes this relatable.
*Warning* – you have to be careful about identifying or inferring to some professionals that your ex is a narcissist. It can make you look bad in court proceedings. I have found it is far better to just let the professionals take in the evidence and come to their own conclusions. In the legal arena, the courts don’t want to be told what to think, (I recall HG saying this and it’s so true) and people have become too generous with the label of ‘narcissist’ simply because they find someone’s behaviour unsavoury.
And – of course – my consultations with HG, along the way, have been indispensable for his advice, answers to very specific questions in my case and predictions about what my ex may or may not do. At a time when I was self-representing, I even had HG review some legal documents for me – which proved most helpful.
This is a superb summary of materials that provide first class assistance, as tried and tested. Thank you for compiling it WC. In fact, I shall apply some character trait acquisition and formulate this into a post in relation to custody disputes so that other people can find it as a stand alone article, rather than try and find it amongst several hundred thousand comments.
Thank-you, HG.
As you have often said, you have provided the tools – we just have to pick them up.
Wow, WhoCares. This will be so incredibly helpful to others.
“This will be so incredibly helpful to others.”
Thank-you, NarcAngel.
I hope so.
Books by HG.
Well, when I took a red pill from HG, there was no warning of the upcoming effects. At least, Morpheus has explained to Neo, what to expect. My initial reaction was a shock, I had no clue what I would face.
I haven’t read all the books yet, and I cannot pick a favorite from the ones I read, they are all mind blowing, eyes opener and brilliant. Maybe later, when I read them all, including Fuel, Fury and Sitting target.
August 2024, I entered HG Tudor’s world. Within first few weeks, I did a narc detector, empath detector to check if I’m a Narc or not, and then I read “Sex and the Narcissist” – my first book. Then right after that, I read “Devil’s toolkit”, “Smeared”. ….considering I had just started to learn about Narcissism, those books shocked me to say the least. I had a lot of sickening reactions during reading, so I had to take pauses. Especially, sex and the narcissist, because I had plenty of memory flashbacks, while reading devaluation part. Some things, which have happened to me was even worse than in the book. For example, in the book HG described how a narcissist would tie a victim and leave in the hotel room, my abuser tied me to a tree in the forest, during early spring, so it was snow everywhere still and quite cold, and I was naked only wearing boots. And then he left me there, walked away. He came back after approximately half an hour , but I didnt know if he would or not. I was very scared. I was 18 years old. The whole thing with him was BDSM just without victim’s concent. Based on fear. Took me several attepmpts and 5 months to finally listen through “Precious”. All my life, I thought he was some type of sadistic psycho. After reading that book, I realized he was just a narcissist. I don’t even need to do a narc detector on him. All fit into place, of what had happened during and after this nightmare.
Anyway, Sex and the Narcissist is a must read, if anyone needs to know if they are/were dealing with a narcissist. It explains many things in dynamic and behavour.
Devil’s Toolkit was also wow. A lot of black humor. Made me want to vomit sometimes from some description, phrases there. Great book.
Smeared – I was very impressed how HG decipher a human psyche. Brilliant. Very helpful book, I wish I have read it much earlier in my life. It also explains in a way, how any media propaganda works. If replace people with countries.
Then I read other books as well, recently just finished Loved and Loathed. Love “haunted chamber” poem. I probably would read next “Sitting target”, considering I’m single now, an empath and I do still attract narcissists, it seems.
HG, if I may ask, why would someone need a book about narcissists at a desert island? There is no narcissists there, happy life. If I have to choose one book to take with me , it would be “Master and Margarita” by Mikhail Bulgakov. I’m sorry.
Narcissists can sail.
Arya0901
“For example, in the book HG described how a narcissist would tie a victim and leave in the hotel room, my abuser tied me to a tree in the forest, during early spring, so it was snow everywhere still and quite cold, and I was naked only wearing boots. And then he left me there, walked away. He came back after approximately half an hour, but I didnt know if he would or not. I was very scared. I was 18 years old”
Arya0901 what horror you are describing. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
I haven’t reached ten yet (my apologies–I’m learning statistics and my brain is fried). But I have two favorites:
1) Fuel. Nothing else has ever helped me to understand the fundamentals of what a narcissist is than this insight into this core concept. It completely reframed my trauma around my relationship with my abusive mother. I used to blame myself for everything that she and other narcissists did to me, and I was also mystified by their behavior. When I keep it in my awareness as I encounter someone who starts that tingle of recognition in me, I think, “Okay, Allison. This feels like this person is extracting something from you with their behavior. This might be a narc.” I’m no longer concerned about whether they are aware of their need for fuel because I’ve learned most aren’t and can’t change anyway. Thus, there is no need for me to waste my caring nature on them. This book and this one idea have saved me tons of heartache, energy, and money. I find it much more direct and useful than “narcissistic supply” or other such terms floating around on the subject.
2) Sex and the Narcissist. Er–it certainly made me want to avoid going to bed with narcissists generally, and I’m less likely to lead with my genitals now when I meet someone. I’ve found that keeping my powder dry has kept me out of lots of trouble when it turns out that the person I’ve met who sets me aflame (because I’m addicted to narcissists) is a real danger. That way I don’t get bound to them and it’s easier for me to get gone if we haven’t done the deed. But it also had the effect of making me answer “Yes, yes, yes!” in response to the end of the book. I know I shouldn’t want that, but what a way to go. I could make that one exception…
Thank you for sharing your observations, TCS.
My favorite book is one that no one ever talks about, “Your Fault”. That was the book that resonated the most with me because its how I realized that my husband was a narcissist.
I have much more than ten in my list. I tried to separate them a bit. They primary, must reads include:
Sitting Target. Fuel, Exorcism, Escape, Manipulated, Black Flag, Red Flag, Sex and the Narcissist, Black Hole, Smeared, Pipelines, The Devil’s Toolkit, No Contact & Chained.
Then to supplement your education, I suggest:
Evil, From the Mouth of the Narcissist, Why, A Delinquent Mind, Adored and Abhorred, Ghosted and Gilded, The Platinum Collection and of course all of the Confessions of a Narcissist.
You have such a huge body of work. Honestly, I think they’re all must reads!
Indeed they are Leigh and thank you for sharing your observations.
If you had to choose one of my books that you would take to a desert island, which would it be? Would it be “Your Fault” or something else?
If you had to choose one of my books which you believed is essential for a person coming to the subject of narcissism to read, what would it be?
Hello HG:
I bought them ALL and each one adds. I bought most of the knowledge vault and each one adds. But for me “Fury” was the one. Fury was why I had to leave. But to be truly honest, your consults beat everything. Each time I have held my breath knowing someday you may get not be available. Nothing you publish or offer online to me, beats speaking to you direct. When you think of the money people shell out to therapists, oh gosh, what it would save them to just speak once to you……. I tell my referrals consult and he will direct you to what you need! Happy birthday and 10th!
Thank you Contagious.
While “Your Fault” was imperative in my understanding of narcissism, it would not be the book I would choose to have on a desert island.
I’d want something a little more entertaining like The Narcissist & COVID, The Platinum Collection or The Ensnared series.
What’s the one book that’s essential to read when a person is first coming to the subject of narcissism? Oooph! That’s a tough question, Mr. Tudor. I often grapple with that question myself.
I’m going to choose two, Red Flag & Black Flag. I think if anyone recognizes these red & black flags in an individual in their lives, it’ll likely cause them to dig deeper.
Thank you, Mr. Tudor for this opportunity to share my thoughts.
Hi HG and Leigh,
The books I found helpful were CHAINED, SITTING TARGET, FUEL, PIPELINES, BLACK FLAG and FURY. I especially found CHAINED very helpful for me.
My favorite series in the Knowledge Vault is KNOWING HG 1-9. I’m hoping HG continues that series! I find HG fascinating and I want to know more about him. Xx
Hi Leigh,
I have not yet read ‘Your Fault’ – now I will definitely have to.
Oh, Pipelines! Yes.The precision of this information was so welcome and builds upon the knowledge gained in ‘Fuel’.
Hi WC,
“Your Fault” has such huge impact on me because of my mindset going in. I hadn’t realized yet that my husband was a narc.
My husband believes he’s perfect. He tells everyone this. He also believes that since he’s perfect that if every woman had a husband like him, all women would be happy. This made me feel incredibly inadequate because our marriage was broken and there was something missing. So it must’ve been my fault, since he was perfect. But it even went deeper than that. I couldn’t understand how he thought our marriage was a good marriage if it was this disjointed and wasn’t happy. Until I read, “Your Fault”. Then it all clicked and everything fell into place. My husband was a narcissist and I finally was validated and everything started to make sense.
I also wanted to say I’m so glad you’re back to commenting. You’ve been missed!
Leigh,
I have missed you guys too! And the engaging conversations here here as well.
I am really happy to be around and commenting again. Just over a year ago I escaped a work narc, my “office manager”, after putting her through the NDC. I developed severe eye strain at that job from repetitive computer tasks (it was really bad – I rarely go to the doctor and this drove me there) and I avoided most excess screen time, including the HG’s live chats and the blog, choosing to listen only to his YT videos. But at this new job, my eye strain has since resolved (my tasks are more varied) and I no longer have the stress of reporting to and working alongside a narcissist!
Regarding ‘Your Fault’ – sorry to hear that your husband has such impact on making you feel that you’re the problem and somehow inadequate. But I am glad that book was the entry point for you to discover HG’s work and make sense of the relationship.
I do recall at the end of my relationship with my son’s father, fully buying into it all being “my fault” – because of the choices I had made along the way… misguided and misinformed though they were. Yes, ‘Your Fault’ will go on my Christmas wishlist this year – thanks for reminding me about it, Leigh.
Hi WC,
Ugh! It sucks when a work narc’s antics effect ys physically. I’m glad you got away and you didn’t have to deal with it too long.
Its wonderful to have you back.
Thanks Leigh. 🧡
Hi WhoCares
I have lost my way back to a question you asked about my sister, so apologies for putting it here. My sister is in very deep. Her husband retired early, and despite her having a well paying job that she has not been in long enough to receive pension (due to leaving previous occupation and going back to school), she has quit her job. “They” also purchased an expensive new vehicle for him, but her car is on its last legs and they have said when it goes, that she will not get another. I haven’t witnessed her driving her car for some despite it still being roadworthy at present. My narc brother has been keeping it that way for her and expressed to both of them how ridiculous it is for her not to have a decent vehicle. That Narc B in law “doesn’t need half the vehicle you got for yourself while leaving your wife with a POS”. That made me laugh. So many traps including large financial ones. She just can’t give enough. Our mother died so she no longer has either parent to go to. I am still available to her but I am less confident as time goes on that anyone will reach her and have become a bit numb to it to be honest. It’s like there is a sheet of cloudy glass between us. My husband and I have property and some money but no children, and narc b in law has been probing in what he thinks is a subtle manner (about as subtle as a bag of hammers) about what will become of our property and possessions when we go, so I’ve been having some fun with that. Gotta look for the bright spots haha. Happy to read that your situation all around has improved. You have been a warrior WhoCares. I admire your strength.
Hi WC,
I just wanted to further clarify something about what “Your Fault” did for me. It wasn’t just about me blaming myself. It felt much more insidious than that. Since he was perfect, by extension our marriage is perfect but also since I’m an extension, I’m perfect as well. Except, I didn’t see it the same way. So it always felt like something was inherently wrong with me. Why didn’t I feel perfect like him? What “Your Fault” did was show me that there wasn’t something wrong with me. I still blame myself for not seeing it sooner. But at least now I know why I didn’t see it sooner. I found the book incredibly enlightening and empowering.
NarcAngel,
“I have lost my way back to a question you asked about my sister, so apologies for putting it here.”
No need to apologize, I was just happy to see your reply. It definitely can be tricky to track one’s way back to a specific comment – I had lost, and then found again, this comment of yours!
“My sister is in very deep. Her husband retired early, and despite her having a well paying job that she has not been in long enough to receive pension (due to leaving previous occupation and going back to school), she has quit her job.”
My jaw dropped reading this; this is eerily similar to my own experience. (Only, in my situation, my ex went on ‘stress leave’ and I left my job to go find a new life with less stress.)
““They” also purchased an expensive new vehicle for him, but her car is on its last legs and they have said when it goes, that she will not get another.”
I am amazed at how many times I have witnessed similar in an ensnarement (they truly do seem to operate from a playbook). I can think of four examples, off the top of my head, where either lack of vehicle maintenance was an issue, the second vehicle was always a shit car or the second car is sold, hampering the trapped individual’s ability to leave at will. In my own situation, not too long before I escaped, our car was overdue for maintenance and deemed “not road safe” by my ex (I actually wonder if he was lying.) In my father’s ensnarement with my mother (a confirmed narc), just before my father ended up escaping, they had recently sold the second car because my mother had claimed they only needed the one vehicle since she was traveling to work and he wasn’t (my father was on disability at that time, due to having HSP). Also, the wife of the couple that my son and I lived with for a bit (after escaping) – and who was later confirmed as a narc through NDC – had her husband sell both his old pick-up truck and her own car, and then purchase a brand new pick-up fully rigged out to assist her (she has MS). In this way, he couldn’t just take that vehicle out fishing or hunting or use it as a work truck (hauling wood ,etc.) because it would potentially damage the assistive devices/features or the finish. And, of course, he no longer had his own vehicle to drive away in. Finally, my empath friend (who I met at the women’s shelter) also had car issues leading up to the time just before she left – and her narc ex would hold the childrens’ car seats hostage in his own car, while he was on the road for work, so she could not safely leave with them. Sorry to go on about it, but I provided the examples because the similar patterns across scenarios are difficult to ignore.
“I haven’t witnessed her driving her car for some despite it still being roadworthy at present. My narc brother has been keeping it that way for her and expressed to both of them how ridiculous it is for her not to have a decent vehicle. That Narc B in law “doesn’t need half the vehicle you got for yourself while leaving your wife with a POS””.
It just goes to show that narcs can be rather protective at times.
“I am still available to her but I am less confident as time goes on that anyone will reach her and have become a bit numb to it to be honest. It’s like there is a sheet of cloudy glass between us.”
I can definitely understand that. I am sure it’s hard to watch, especially with your level of understanding of what’s going on and your sister’s complete lack of awareness. I think, personally, I would to have to distance myself somewhat because the desire to help/fix would be so frustrating. Hopefully she will come to some realization of her own situation at some point.
“My husband and I have property and some money but no children, and narc b in law has been probing in what he thinks is a subtle manner (about as subtle as a bag of hammers) about what will become of our property and possessions when we go, so I’ve been having some fun with that.”
Haha – their entitlement truly knows no bounds!
“You have been a warrior WhoCares. I admire your strength.”
Thank-you for the compliment, NarcAngel.
“Our mother died so she no longer has either parent to go to. ”
NA – I may be about to reveal some memory issues on my part, and I do apologize, but have you mentioned your mother’s passing previously? I have been away from the blog, with any regularity, for so long that the only comment I can recollect, with regard to your mother, (other than some of your original comments) is one where you referenced helping her with an assistive device or walker, if memory serves. (And it’s really not serving me well here.) Whether or not it’s the first mention – I just want to convey my condolences.
Leigh,
Thanks for expanding on how “Your Fault” impacted you.
“Since he was perfect, by extension our marriage is perfect but also since I’m an extension, I’m perfect as well.”
I know you didn’t mean it as humourous, but this made me laugh – every single one of them thinks they are perfect, don’t they? Mine ex certainly did.
“Why didn’t I feel perfect like him? What “Your Fault” did was show me that there wasn’t something wrong with me. I still blame myself for not seeing it sooner. But at least now I know why I didn’t see it sooner. I found the book incredibly enlightening and empowering.”
So much of HG’s work is freeing and empowering. You have really piqued my curiousity about the book “Your Fault”, Leigh.
Yes, looking back on their magical thinking is definitely humorous!
WhoCares
You have provided some good examples of the ways in which the narcissist isolates and thwarts escape. Incredibly my sister sees these as proof that he is looking out for her safety and ensuring sound financial decisions for their future. I know to expect these things from him, but continue (despite my ability to anticipate the response of an ensnared empath from my education here) to be surprised at the words actually coming out of her mouth. I have to walk away.
No issues with your memory, as I had not mentioned my mother’s death prior, and you are correct in that she had health problems for some time. Thank you for your condolences. I am completely at peace over it. Another puzzle piece in my life locked in with ever fewer spots left open to complete the picture. So many of those pieces I found here in this place exchanging with people such as yourself. Thank you.
NA,
I’m sorry to read about the passing of your mother. My condolences to you and your family.
NarcAngel,
“Incredibly my sister sees these as proof that he is looking out for her safety and ensuring sound financial decisions for their future.”
Wow – if the narcissist isn’t spinning things, the empath sometimes does it for them. That kind of statement really brings home the delusion of the empath when still ensnared and providing justifications for the narc’s behaviour.