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The 30 Truths To The Wrong Focus

 

 THE 30 TRUTHS

I explained how we construct the Wrong Focus so you end up concentrating on us rather than yourselves and in turn this hinders you, prevents you from moving forward and allows us to keep you where we want you, miserable, confused and wallowing in emotion. Of the thirty constituent parts of the wrong focus, what are the answers and observations to those questions and comments? Here are the truths that will enable you to avoid the effect of the Wrong Focus and thus in turn allow you to concentrate on yourself and your own needs.

  1. You will wonder why we treated you so terribly after we were so wonderful to you.

We did this because you stopped providing us with potent positive fuel. We needed to draw negative fuel from you instead in order to maintain our existence.

  1. You will want to know how we could have just left you like that after everything that you did for us?

With absolute ease. We only think of ourselves. You are just an appliance to us not a person. Someone else has our interest now and we regard them as better than you on every front.

  1. You will be perplexed as to how we are able to move on to somebody else so soon after being with you, especially since we said that you and I were soulmates and would be together until the end of time?

Those are standard hook-lines (look out for a forthcoming post on this) which we scatter like confetti in order to seduce them. We rarely mean anything we say to you as we are habitual liars

  1. What are we doing with our new acquisition?

More or less exactly what we did with you. Seducing them and giving them the golden period. We will apply similar techniques to how we charm and mesmerise them as we did with you. Expect us to say the same things, take them to the same places, buy the same gifts and so on, with some occasional changes.

  1. How are they better than you?

How long have you got? They are more beautiful, more loving, more intelligent, more successful, more fun, more admiring, more adoring, in fact whatever you were they are a thousand times better.

The truth is they are not, they may even be less than you, but we do not see that. To us they are shiny and new and thus amazing.

  1. Are we happy with that person now?

We don’t feel happy. We feel engorged by the power that surges through us from the fuel. We tell everyone we are happy though in order to maintain appearances and also in the hope you hear about our huge joy with this person.

  1. What has that person got that you haven’t?

To us, the most wonderful and potent positive fuel.

In your reality, they are little different, indeed you would be surprised by just how much in common you would have.

  1. She doesn’t even seem like our type so why on earth have we chosen her?

If she pours out positive fuel she is our type. That is all that matters. You are all appliances in our eyes.

  1. You spend your time on “Ex Watch” as you stalk our social media (and that of the new target) to see what we are doing together, what we are saying to one another and looking for any signs of trouble in this new relationship.

We want you doing this so you will not move on. You will not see any signs of trouble in paradise. Quite the contrary as we pump out the propaganda.

  1. You want our new relationship to fail so you feel better and validated because the same thing has happened to the new target as it did to you.

We know you do because that is how hateful and horrible you are and makes us wonder why on earth we ever chose. Don’t worry though, it will eventually falter, they always do.

  1. You feel a need to prove that you are happy (even though you are not) and that you need us to know that this is the case. You consider ways in which you can convey this message to us.

Don’t bother. We know you are torn apart and we will just laugh at your attempts to pretend otherwise. We can still sense what is really going on. Instead of appearing happy you would do better to appear neutral and unmoved.

  1. You wonder what you could do to win us back.

You really shouldn’t bother but you don’t have to do anything because we will hoover you soon enough.

  1. You wonder what mistakes were made that caused the relationship to fall apart.

How long have you got for us to list your litany of transgressions? The fact is that this is the case from our perspective. You did nothing wrong.

  1. You begin to imagine what is going on in between those four walls, that you knew so well once upon a time, becoming fixated with considering what is happening.

Everything that happened between you and I. It is actually frightening just how similar it is.

  1. You relive the day you had with us and think about whether we are doing the same things with the new person as we did with you.

Of course we are.

  1. You want us to explain why we did what we did?

Not going to happen. We need to keep you hanging on for answers and closure.

  1. You try to make sense of what has happened but you cannot. This does not, however, stop you from running the whole relationship through your head over and over again as you seek to find answers.

There is no point doing this. The answer does not lie there.

  1. You sit and ask yourself are we thinking about you?

No we aren’t. You don’t exist to us until you appear in a sphere of influence and then it is hoover time.

  1. You ruminate on whether we miss you at all.

We don’t miss you at all. We might miss your fuel at some point.

  1. Does she kiss us like you did?

Yes not that we care.

  1. Do we love her more than we loved you?

We will tell the world and you (and her) that we have never loved anyone like this before. Of course we have. It is always the same even though it is not love as you understand it.

  1. Have we kept the gifts you gave us?

Yes. They will be used to hoover and triangulate.

  1. Why have we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?

To provoke you and keep the new target happy.

  1. Why haven’t we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?

To provoke you and keep you hanging on.

  1. Why are we saying those things about you to other people?

It’s a smear campaign, get used to it. Everybody gets them. You are nothing special.

  1. Do we feel bad at the way that we treated you?

No.

  1. Why does it feel like no matter what you do we always seem to win?

Because we change the rules to suit us.

  1. Will we ever speak to you again?

Oh yes. When it is hoover time.

  1. Will our friends and family still acknowledge you after everything that has happened?

No. The smear campaign is in effect. They will when we hoover you though.

  1. What if she is “the one”?

Of course she is. The replacement is always the one (until the next one).

Now you know.

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‘Til Death Do Us Discard (Disengage)

'TIL DEATH

 

The word ‘discard’ is well-known in the lexicon of the narcissistic world.  Disengage is actually accurate, but I shall use discard here purely for the sake of familiarity.

It forms one of the four cornerstones of the narcissistic embrace. The seduction, the devaluation, the discard (disengage) and the hoover. Discard (disengage) brings with it a sense of finality. The impression that we have extracted everything we can from you and that we are finally done with you. You have served your purpose and we no longer have any use for you. I do not think discard is an accurate description. We certainly toss you aside with no concern for your well-being or emotional state. We suddenly stop communicating with you. You cannot contact us as we vanish, walking off the face of the earth. If you receive some kind of half-baked explanation, then you ought to consider yourself as lucky to receive even that. We are, however, never done with you. The discard as such is a temporary cessation to the dance that you and I engage in.

I have written elsewhere of the main reasons why we discard (disengage) and chief among them is the fact that we have acquired a new toy. You are old, stale and no fun anymore so you are left at the bottom of the toy box as we become infatuated with our new shiny and glittering toy. Of course your discard is not permanent. Once I selected you, you had a role to fulfil for the rest of your life when it comes to me. You have no choice, so far as I am concerned, in respect of this role. I assigned it to you and I regard you as obligated to carry it out forever. I may decide that I require you again for the purposes of triangulation. I may want the new primary source to pump out even more positive fuel because they feel threatened by your re-appearance. Like some corpse, we resurrect you in order to unnerve the new primary source. We will hoover you and tempt you with the prospect of winning our favour once again. When we triangulate you in this fashion you can rest assured that what is being said to you will be said in a similar way to the new primary source. We may comment to you: –

“She is just someone to pass the time with, she is nowhere near as special as you are to me.”

Around the same time, we will be telling your replacement primary source,

“Don’t worry about her. She cannot let go. I am not surprised really because I did so much for her, but it is you I want, you are so special, far more than she ever was.”

You are spurred on by such encouragement and double your efforts to please me in the hope of winning me back. The replacement is spurred on by such encouragement and she doubles her efforts to keep me and ensure you prove to be no temptation to me.

We will bring you back if the new prospect turns out to be less effective than we thought. We decide that they need to be consigned to the scrap heap quicker than usual and therefore we will turn to that person we know. You. We know all about you and how you will react and therefore it is far easier to return to you and hoover you than seek someone new again. This has the added benefit that the passage of time will have allowed you to recover from our abuse but also the longing that we imbue in you, when we discard, will continue to gnaw away at you and thus when we decide we have ended the “discard” you are easy to hoover.

We may be utterly delighted with your replacement but decide we will end the “discard” in order to punish you further. At this stage we have no interest in engaging in a romantic and intimate relationship with you again. Your replacement serves that role most effectively. No, we want to punish you. We will hoover you in an unpleasant and savage way, smearing you and parading your replacement around to all and sundry and explaining how wonderful it is to be with someone who truly understands us, loves us and is not abusive as you were.

We may toss you aside and come nowhere near you for weeks, months and even years. We know that the nature of this “discard” is such that no matter how hard you try; you remain vulnerable to being sucked back in. This is because you have not been able to cope with the ever presence we created and your frequent reminders of the golden period. It is also because you want answers, finality and understanding and because we flounced off the face of the earth, you did not get those things and the desire to receive them remains strong even years later.

We do not truly discard you. We push you to one side but you serve many purposes afterwards. You recover so your fuel provision increases again, you are the provider of both positive and negative fuel, dependent on how we hoover you. You are needed for the triangulations we wish to deploy. This cycle of picking you up and putting you down again, as and when suits us, is one that will go on and on until such time as you decide to break the pattern of “discards” and escape instead. Of course when you try to escape us we do not regard this as ending our binding arrangement. You are mis-guided, perhaps listening to the biased voices of others which is affecting your judgement. You, in our minds, do not get to choose when the arrangement ends. All the way through our lives, we will use you and then push you to one side before coming back again at some future point. If you allow us the means of contact by drifting into our sphere of influence again then we will hoover you, because the opportunity is too good to pass up. You are then drawn in, the cycle commences once more and a further “discard” will happen. You can see by the repeated nature of this process that there is no real discard, only a temporary cessation to our entanglement, but one tendril always remains wrapped around, continuing the connection so that we can draw you back in at our choice.

Even if you take steps whereby you expose us for what we are or reveal us to other people who accept what you say, we will withdraw to lick our wounds but this discard is temporary also. We still want your fuel and we want it badly. We also have a desire for revenge. We may not resume matters in a benign method when this happens and instead opt for the malign approach in order to extract fuel, but the entanglement will begin again at some future point.

We put you down but you can always be picked up again. Rest assured that this will happen repeatedly and even if you think the nature of the discard was so harsh, so savage and seemed so final, it was not. We will return, if able and do it all again.

The only true disengagement of our toxic entanglement is when of us dies. Only then is there finality.

5 False Promises

5

Words are our tools. They come readily to us and we much prefer them over actions as they use so little energy. We have no sense of guilt, remorse or conscience that we are easily able to make promises with no intention of ever keeping them. You on the other hand hate to break a promise and we know that your adherence to this means that the effect our broken promises is significant against you and will allow us to draw fuel. You will be familiar with the nature of the broken promises if you have danced with our kind already but you may not know what we actually mean when we say certain supposed promises to you. If this dance is new to you, not only will you not know what is being really meant when we whisper these words to you, but you may not realise that this promise will not be kept. Here are five of the most-used promises we issue, that we always break and this is what we really mean when we say them.

  1. I will always love you

I know that you love to hear such bold proclamations because they appeal to you as a love devotee. Indeed, you have been conditioned to believe strongly in the concept of love. I won’t always love you, in fact I will not even begin by loving you because I am incapable of feeling what you know to be love since it has been denied to me as an option. I understand what love is to you however because I am surrounded by people like you telling me what it means and it appears in books, on the television, on the internet, in films and advertisements. It is easy to understand what love means to you but impossible for me to feel it and therefore I can never love you. What I mean when I tell you this is that I am telling you what you want to hear so you will remain with me and provide me with the fuel that I crave. I am telling you that I will actually always want you so long as you give me what I need. My desire to be with you is entirely conditional on you furnishing me with fuel.

  1. I will repay you

I will borrow money from you because of my sense of entitlement since either I have none and I want yours or I have plenty and I still want yours. If I have no money I need it and therefore I will want to borrow it from you. I will of course promise to repay you in order to induce you to lend it to me in the first place. I will then make repeated promises to pay you: –

“I am a little short this month, I will have it for you next month.”

“I am due a bonus in two months so I will pay you from that then.”

“I had an emergency and had to use the money for that.”

“I am not able to work at present but since you love me you won’t mind waiting will you?”

“If you really loved me, you would not ask for it back.”

Those of our kind who lack financial resources want the money for obvious reasons but also in order to strengthen the link between them and you, so that you have reason to remain in contact with them and to allow them to trot out excuses and reasons which will eventually provoke you through exasperation, frustration, irritation and upset.

Those of our kind who have ample financial resources do not have any intention of making repayment. Instead we use this borrowing of the money as a bridge between you and I and as above it is all about keeping a hook into you.

When we promise to repay you, we will not do so. What we are telling you is that we want to create a method of ensuring you are connected to us and able to draw fuel from you.

  1. I won’t hurt you

Of all the broken promises this is perhaps the one which does the most damage. We are actually telling you this: –

“I won’t hurt you as long as you comply with what I want.”

It just so happens that we always omit the last nine words. We regard you as our appliance, an extension of our will and you are expected to do what we want. Provide potent positive fuel, succumb to our demands, run around after us, say yes when we want yes and no when we want no but you must guess which is correct. We want you obedient, compliant and submissive. Navigate your way through this maze successfully and you will not be hurt. Unfortunately, for you nobody is ever able to do this because you will always have to be hurt because we want fuel. You have to be hurt because no matter how hard you try you will always cause a criticism which will wound us and therefore we have to defend ourselves by lashing out and hurting you. You have to be hurt because there are even those of our kind, the malignant and the greater who delight in doing so.

The hurt will always visit you somehow.

  1. I will be faithful

We cannot be faithful. We need fuel too much. Although most of it will come from you we need it from other sources as well and this will result in our infidelity. Infidelity comes in many forms, just as fuel does. To some it may be sharing long and intimate conversations, to others it is a kiss, to others it is sexual touching and to others it is full blown sexual intercourse. Our desire for fuel combined with our massive sense of entitlement and our failure to recognise boundaries means that we will be unfaithful. Add to that our lack of accountability, our failure to feel guilt or remorse and you stand no chance of ever ensuring that we remain faithful.

We say this because you want to hear it. This is most often used after we have been exposed as committing an act or acts of infidelity and we are concerned that you will leave us and thus take away our primary source of fuel when we have not secured a replacement yet. We will pledge that we will be faithful moving forward in an attempt to prevent you from causing a cessation to our supply of fuel. These are empty words. We will be unfaithful within the week, maybe not even that long, just so long as uttering such a promise stops you from going.

  1. I will change

No I won’t. Even if I could, which is highly unlikely, why should I when there is nothing wrong with me. Everything I do is necessary to ensure my survival and my remaining elevated and superior. Just because you and others do not like the way that I behave does not mean that I have to alter what I am. I know however that you love to think that we can be cured of whatever ill it is that we suffer from. You want us to become better and different and naturally if this means we can get you to stay, do what we want and keep providing us with fuel we are content to tell you that we will change. We are experts at adopting false expressions of contrition as well to accompany this empty promise.

This vacant promise actually means

“I will carry on doing what I am doing and nobody will ever stop me.”

 

A Glimpse Into The Greater Narcissist’s Mind – Reflections

reflection

I was once engaged in a discussion with Dr E. This was some years ago, but I am sharing it with you as it will provide you with some insight into my mind, the mind of the Greater Narcissist. It will also answer various questions you are likely to have and they can be applied, with suitable adjustments, to the minds of the Mid Range and with even further adjustments, to the minds of the Lesser Narcissists.

As part of the discussion with De E, we had happened on the subject of relaxation and rest.

“When would you say that you relax?” he asked me as he adjusted his spectacles.

“I don’t.”

“You do not relax.” Dr E said it more as a statement as opposed to a question.

“That’s right. How can I relax when there is so much to do, so much to be done and I have a mind like mine?”

“Tell me, what is your mind like?” he asked.

“What do you think it is like?” I responded. I always like to try and get Dr E to pin his colours to mast the early on. That way I am in a better position to manipulate the conversation.

“If I knew that there would be no need for all of these sessions as I try to understand your mind,” he replied.

“But I thought you told me that you know all about my kind and me?” I responded.

“I know about the condition that it is suggested is applicable to the way that you behave, but it would be arrogant of me to assume that I knew the way that your mind works. That is part of the work I must do with you, to know your mind and to enable you to  know your mind also.”

“Oh I know my mind, doctor, don’t trouble your thoughts with that,” I smiled.

“I am pleased to hear that. Do tell me about it then?”

“Well where do I start? It is formidable, magnificent and effective.”

“Well, let’s return to what was being said in the earlier part of this conversation shall we? You explained to me that your mind does not allow you to relax.”

“I actually said ‘how can I relax when I have a mind like mine’.”

“Of course, please, explain that to me in more detail.”

“My mind is like an engine. It is like a supercomputer. From the moment I switch it on until the moment I disengage it when I go to sleep it is whirring, formulating and computing.”

“So you engage your mind, switch it on?” asked Dr E.

“Absolutely. It fires into life once I wake and from that moment onwards it is always working things out, plotting, scheming and manipulating. It absorbs information, it recalls information, it seeks opportunity, it devises, collates, assesses, evaluates, remembers, it wages war and it defends.”

“I see. You mentioned that you disengage it when you go to sleep. Tell me more about that.”

“It is pretty simple really. I lay my head on the pillow and decide that it is time for it to be switched off. It is like pulling the plug. As soon as it is done then my mind goes blank and I am straight to sleep.”

“You do not lie awake contemplating what has happened during the day or what you have done or what might need to be done the next day?” asked Dr E.

“No. I have worked all of that already. There is little point in contemplating what has already happened. It cannot be changed and cannot be altered. It has already served its purpose. There is nothing to be gained in returning to it.”

“But do you not like to sit and recall your memories?”

“Sometimes but I only do so when I know that I can use them in some way. For example, I will recall memories for the purpose of telling a story to someone of for the sake of explaining something. I may recall certain memories for the purposes of assessment in order to use them to address something in the now. They must always have a use, a purpose, a point. In those situations they serve a purpose to me. Otherwise a memory is just a spent and useless thing.”

Dr E remained silent as he scribbled away in his black and red notebook.

“Do you purposefully select these memories?” he asked. I nodded. I knew what was coming next. I was prepared.

“And you select those memories because they serve a purpose for you?”

“Yes.”

“You do not like to look back on events and reminisce?”

“No. That is a waste of time. It is revisiting something which has happened. One has already experienced this and whatever has been derived from it has already been derived from it. It is pointless to keep returning to something when one already knows what it is.”

Dr E continued to write.

“Do any memories just surface without you selecting them?” he asked.  I nodded again.

“What do you think about those memories?” he pressed.

“I do not.”

“You do not think about them? You do not embrace them?” he asked.

“I do not.”

“What if they are persistent, some thoughts are. They appear in an intrusive manner and remain. Does that happen with some of your thoughts,  with memories perhaps? How do you deal with those unwanted recollections, particularly the persistent ones?”

“In the same way I deal with your unwanted and persistent questions, I deny their existence. Move on.”

Dr E looked up and met my gaze. His mouth opened very slightly as a further question formed on his lips. Fortunately for him he interpreted correctly the look in my eyes and the question met its demise just as quickly as it had been born and he looked away.

There was a pause as he wrote something.

The bastard had deliberately paused in order to cause something to fill the gap he had created. I always have to fill the gap. We all do. In that instant the frozen scene of that frozen day exploded in my mind’s eye.

‘You fucking sly bastard’ I thought as I continued to look at Dr E who was continuing to write. He did that on purpose. Who did he think he was, trying to play games with the Master of Games? Impertinent wanker. I felt the barbed remark rising inside of me, burning and acidic and I was ready to let it fountain from me and spatter against him but I halted. No, not here. Not now. Too soon. Another will get it instead, they will bear the burden of Dr E’s foolish attempts to better me. The first person I encounter on leaving this place will receive what Dr E ought to receive.

The rising fury had at least shattered the image. It was gone. I was safe.

Dr E sparked into life again.

“What about feeling worried about what might need to be done or feeling regret at something that has happened? Those are the types of thing that can keep a person from sleeping as their mind pores over and analyses such things.”

“No. That is redundant and a waste of time. I do not worry about things. I get on and control them. I have nothing to regret. Every decision I made was the right one at the time,” I explain.

“But what if it is not the right one in retrospect?”

“I do not look back on what I have done and ascribe any judgement to it. That serves no purpose.”

“I see. So your mind is devoid of anything when you go to sleep?”

“Correct. The machine has been switched off and thus I go straight to sleep and I always sleep well.”

“Do you dream?” asked Dr E.

“Could you be more specific? Do I dream or do I have dreams when I sleep?”

“Tell me about both,” suggested Dr E.

“I do not dream I do. Dreaming is for the romantic and the fantasists, I create and do.”

“Very well and what about dreaming when you are asleep?”

“Never.”

“You may do but fail to recall them?” suggested Dr E.

I shrugged.

“I never dream.”

“Okay. So between waking and sleeping your mind is always racing yes? Tell me, what causes it to race?”

“Fuel. Where will my fuel come from, who will provide it, how much, how can I get more, will there be enough, who else do I need to provide me with fuel, what will be the best way of getting fuel from this person or situation, who can I rely on to be a near constant supply of fuel, why has the fuel dropped, why has this fuel stopped, why can I not obtain the fuel, how can I increase the fuel?”

“Do you think of anything else? For example, how a view across some hills might be beautiful or how you are looking forward to going to a football match with a friend?” asked Dr E.

“I will think how beautiful the view is to tell someone later to make them jealous that I saw it and not them so they react and provide me with fuel. I look forward to the football match to spend time with someone who will provide me with fuel and to enable me to study how they behave at this match so I can harvest more fuel.”

“So your mind is focussed on fuel all the time?” Dr E asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you find this tiring?”

“Sometimes but once I gather the fuel it makes me feel powerful and this dispels my fatigue.”

“And if you cannot obtain the fuel, I suppose the tiredness becomes greater?” suggested the doctor.

“There can never be a time when I cannot obtain fuel. That is why my mind works so hard and is always racing.”

Dr E nodded and made more notes as he did I thought about how my last text message to Kim will have upset her and I felt a surge of power as I began to consider where I would take Samantha this evening in order to show her off at a suitably impressive venue and then I recalled that I needed to send out some more e-mails to continue my campaign against Andrea and there would be an opportunity tomorrow at work to show off with the presentation that I was making and I knew that I needed to make a couple of unpleasant telephone calls to a colleague in order to keep him on his toes and in awe of my power.

“Yes, it is always racing,” I added as Dr E continued with his writing.

“Racing and winning that race,” I concluded and I felt the familiar restlessness as it was now time to leave his consulting room and continue with the race.

Divorcing The Narcissist – What To Expect

DIVORCING THE NARCISSIST -WHAT TO EXPECT

Escaping a narcissist is difficult enough in its own right. You are fighting your Emotional Thinking which seeks to prevent your escape, you ate tackling the narcissist who will be issuing Preventative Hoovers and/or deploying the Initial Grand Hoover to keep you in place.

The situation worsens when you have a situation where you are involved in a divorce with a narcissist. You not only have to deal with the disentanglement from the individual with regard to achieving the divorce through a legal process, address the issue of assets, deal with matters surrounding maintenance and support and possibly also the concerns generated by addressing custody and visitation (residence and contact) concerning children. All of this when you are still reeling from the impact of the abuse and manipulative behaviour.

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  • Why the narcissist keeps the process going even though it is costly
  • Why the narcissist keeps the process going even when the evidence is against the narcissist
  • How to achieve the required outcome from your divorce when a narcissist is involved
  • How the divorce process works with and affects your No Contact Regime
  • What factors affect the way the narcissist deals with the divorce process
  • How certain actions will impact on the narcissist through the divorce process
  • How to minimise the impact of the narcissist’s behaviour on you

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Divorcing A Narcissist


 

A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 46

 

A LETTER TO THENARCISSISTLB'S LETTER

To the Mid Range Narc:

I recall meeting you on line , on a dating website six years ago. You didn’t attract me physically but your profile was written so beautifully. You eluded to Punch Drunk Love as one of your favorite films, which happened to have been one of mine. You cast the net by signaling that I was on your “favorite” list. I took the bait. It wasn’t long before we had a super hot sexual exchange on line.  It seemed as if you knew me better than I knew myself.  I put you off for a long time after that until I agreed to meet you in person.  When deciding upon a place , you suggested a cafe in my neighborhood because it was the same one where a famous marriage proposal in a film took place — I can’t recall the film anymore.  I thought that was very presumptive at the time. It seemed way too early to even make a joke like that. I ignored that  red flag.

Eventually we met. I gave you a second chance on a second date to make sure that I wasn’t dismissing you too soon.  You were so attentive and wanted to see me again so badly that I felt I should be more open minded.  I was troubled by your sobriety , your admission to having major food allergies that prevented you from eating almost anything at all. You made sure I knew that you scored extremely high on some intellectual test that made you superior to most, cerebrally. You lived far from me and drove a Harley. I was a single mother who was very social with lots of friends.  Safety was important.  Socializing and sharing meals were a part of my life that I didn’t want to give up. And the drinking issue was odd. I didn’t know any alcoholics and though you seemed very calm and didn’t dwell on it, it was foreign to me.  It wasn’t until later that I would learn that you lived with a room mate which shocked me at your age of 46 at that time but you had an excuse for that, too.  You just didn’t reveal that right away.  Another red flag. Your ex was obsessed with you on Facebook and kept liking all your posts and even posts of people that she didn’t know but  seen you had liked. Another red flag. I didn’t even feel comfortable being a Facebook friend of yours and once I did you used it as a weapon either in your silent treatments by blocking me or as a  way to let me know you were showing interest in others and make me jealous.  We only spent our time in your room having wild and passionate sexual rendez vous. I never met your friends.  Another red flag. We rarely went out and when we did it was a nightmare due to the food issues you had. You bombed with me text messages and links to songs. You never let up. I had to go to China on a business trip once we were  about 4 months in and while I was there I had space. I came back and broke up with you. Immediately you went crazy. Slept with someone else and told me about it. I was brain washed by then and kept going back to you only for matters to grow worse.  You didn’t tell me about your illegitimate grown son until a year later.  You kept dredging up old girlfriends and would give me silent treatments when I needed you the  most as I begged and pleaded for you to be with me.  You would disappear and say it was because you fell asleep. Your phone died. You lost your phone. You were watching a movie. You were obsessed with a video game.  You started drinking again. You tried to quit and blamed me. I  went to Alonon meetings to try to understand but that wasn’t enough for you. Finally after 5 years of the ongoing torture and passionate make up sex  you sent me photos of a girl 30 years younger than you and exclaimed she was your new girlfriend.  You also did things like lose a job every 6 months. You would grow out your beard and let your hygiene go so you would appear to look like a crazy man.   As you dove into that relationship which had been going on for a while you continued to write and either devalue me horribly , calling me horrible names or claim that you loved me so much and begged me to hang in and trust that you were going to end things with her once the time was right.  I began to lose my mind.  I finally wrote to your girlfriend and shared screen shots of your love-notes to try to make her leave you but you painted me as a crazy person and convinced her to stay every time.

There are way too many painful incidences to list in this letter.

You constantly blamed me for all of it.  It was true; I tried to leave on many occasions.  I knew something was off. Every time I left you , you would lash out at me.  When I came back,  you would go back to being a cold hearted person but say that  you were 100% committed.   You always said lots of things but never acted on any of it. I wasn’t allowed to speak of the women particularly the most recent.  The drama was too much for you and caused you to drink , you would say. We would never move forward if I kept bringing up the past you would insist.   The anger and hurt would build up inside me.

I do have some good memories.  The sex.  The sex and the sex.  You showed up to help me when I got too drunk at my company Christmas party.  You showed up when I got food poisoning at a friends house and couldn’ t make it home alone.  You showed up when I had a mouse.  You gave me beautiful jewelry.  You wrote poems. You made me feel sexy and beautiful.  But I now see how you manipulated me and I’ve learned that it was all fake.

You dismissed me without empathy when I called to say that my apartment  building had caught fire and was uninhabitable.  You were off with a new woman when there was a hurricane in our city and I was scared to be alone.  You crashed your bike and got arrested after leaving my house drunk.  You lied about women who would call you when we had just made love.  You used names for me like bitch, whore, skank, and slut constantly.

Still, to this day, I check my email box 100 times a day. I look to see if you’re re-posting my music.  I think about who you are with.  I wonder about the lies you are re-telling.  I politely answer your emails only to see you disappear once you get my reply because I know you’re just checking to see if I will answer you.

Last time I saw you you made me sick. I left the table and walked out.  I told you that I finally slept with someone for the first time since we met.  You were jealous and it made me happy to know that you were upset.   I graphically described it because I wanted to dig that knife deeply into you after all of the women I have shared you with over the course of the past 6 years.

And still.  Every day.  I check for you.

The Fifty Future Fakes

 

Image result for picture of jam tomorrow

The technique of future faking is a splendid device that we utilise by promising you jam tomorrow so we can have all the jam today (and oddly enough leaving you with no jam tomorrow). The ability to future fake is integral to us since it sits with our frequent and repeated lying so readily. Just like Enron did, we want the pay-out today based on the future profits and what if those future profits don’t manifest? Who the hell cares? We will just walk away and secure the pay out with someone else instead leaving you to rue all those promises of something down the line which never ever came to pass. We are persuasive, convincing and seem so genuine, such is our astonishing ability to act, that you readily believe that we will deliver on the promise, no matter how outlandish it may sound to you. We really, really mean it. Can’t you tell?

Such is our brilliance at convincing not only you as our intimate partner but also everyone else who gets caught up in our extensive fabrications. It never matters to us that we have no intention of delivering on that promise of something happening in the future because all we care about is the here and now. We are easily able to shirk accountability for our promises, avoiding liability and culpability is what we do best and if you think you can hold to us something that we have promised give it a go. All you will find is that you will be subjected to denial, deflection or another charm offensive whereby you have backed down on the strength of, yes you’ve guessed, more future faking.

Here are fifty examples of our future faking.

  1. I know we’ve not been together long but we really should get married.
  2. Of course I will go and see somebody for some help, I want to do the right thing for us.
  3. I will pay you back.
  4. I will never hurt you.
  5. I will never hurt you again.
  6. I will get tickets for that concert for us, no problem at all.
  7. I can’t wait to take you away somewhere exotic.
  8. I will bring it back for you next week.
  9. I promise I will call you tomorrow.
  10. I won’t tell a soul about this.
  11. We have such a bright future together.
  12. I can see us growing old together.
  13. I cannot wait until we start a family.
  14. Why don’t we go into business with one another, it makes perfect sense?
  15. Of course I will help you out when you start your new job.
  16. We should make plans to travel the world, just you and me.
  17. Let’s look at houses so we can move in and live together.
  18. I will always be on hand, whenever you need me.
  19. I cannot conceive of a day where we are not with one another.
  20. Come on, let’s go and look at engagement rings.
  21. I won’t let anything come between you and I.
  22. Imagine if you moved over here how brilliant that would be.
  23. Imagine if I moved to where you are, I think I should do that.
  24. If you can help me with this project, I will give you a great report for the pay review next year.
  25. That’s right, give the money to me now and you can look forward to a 25% return in a year’s time.
  26. No matter how ill you become, I will look after you.
  27. I swear we will move just as soon as we can afford it.
  28. We can’t move just yet, but we will when I have repaid this loan.
  29. I know the loan has been repaid but I want to secure this promotion and then we will move.
  30. The promotion has helped but I need to think about retirement at present and then we can move.
  31. I want a large family with you.
  32. Of course we will go there next time.
  33. Whatever you want, just say it next time we are here.
  34. We will definitely book there for dinner next time.
  35. My home is your home, it is just a question of when, not if, you move in.
  36. I want to be able to come home every night and find you there waiting for me.
  37. Just do it this once and I won’t ask you to do it again.
  38. I go to sleep safe in the knowledge that we have a future together.
  39. We should make plans for where we will get married.
  40. I want a huge wedding, all our friends and family need to be there, I want the world to know how happy I am.
  41. Why don’t we select a retirement home now, after all, we are going to be together then you know.
  42. If you do the groundwork for this project now, I will next time.
  43. Of course I will change, I am determined to do it.
  44. This is the last time, I promise, then I will stop.
  45. I will seek some help, now isn’t the right time, but I will do it.
  46. I will give you the world.
  47. I will give you the fairy tale you deserve.
  48. I know we will have a happy ever after.
  49. I don’t see me and you, I can only see us.
  50. Of course I will respect you in the morning.