Colouring my thinking

One of my doctors, I call him Doctor E (for earnest) asked me what my favourite colour is. I was delighted to enlighten him about this. I explained that it is not red ; too many people like red and I am not too many people. Far from it. I followed this by explaining that pink, being a tint of red is similarly displeasing. Dr E was unaware that red is the only colour that has a separate name for one of its tints, i.e. pink. I sensed Dr E does not know as much as he should. I dismissed yellow as that is the colour of emotional fragility and I don’t have a yellow streak. Orange is for children. Brown. Ugh, brown is the lumpy, unsophisticated colour of the prole. My skin crawls at the thought of that colour. Violet is the favourite colour of my ex-wife so that can be discounted too. Alongwith green for the same reason. Silver is the colour of the runner-up and therefore not applicable to me. He interrupted me at this point and said he had asked for my favourite colour not the reasons why I didn’t like different colours. I considered leaving at this idiotic comment. I was explaining all of this to help him understand my choice. I pressed on. I explained that black is acceptable since it absorbs all other colours. Blue is a colour I approve of, specifically azure as it is noble and regal. However, white is my favourite. He asked why. I said that white constitutes total reflection.

52 thoughts on “Colouring my thinking

  1. Asp Emp says:

    For so long, my thinking ‘contained’ so much black, white and grey due to the affects of narcissism and the traumas of life.

    Since my coming to KTN blog, the colours within my ‘prism’ have increased and multiplied. New understandings, new insights, new knowledge, expanded lateral thinking, improved analytical thinking. Clarity on the past, the present and different ways of feeling / thinking ahead.

    Much thanks to you, HG, for creating KTN as a space to breathe, to talk and to blossom.

    1. BC30 says:

      Blossom 🌸is the perfect description. That’s what happened for me here and why I continue to come back.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Thank you, BC30. I understand what you mean by ‘continue’ to come back – it’s like a ‘comfort’ blanket 🙂

  2. Null says:

    Brown is dark orange, and thus a tint of orange.

    There are many more things I know that you don’t. Are you familiar with repitition compulsions? Linguistic Descriptivism? Tulpamancy? The dominance of sociality in life? Why do you value truth, an empathic trait according to you?

    I’ve nearly cured my narc ex-partner now best friend. They turned out to be a serial rapist on top of abuser. I still love them, accept them the way they are, and am beginning to help them heal and trust again. Thanks to you. Only a matter of time before they love the child inside themselves.

    You taught me almost everything I needed to know. You alongside Alice Miller, Behaviorism, Communists (Marxism-Leninism specifically), so much Science, Special Books by Special Kids, on top of intense amphetamine fueled research combined with my own experience, experiments, and intellectual prowess. Lost my mind there for a minute or two. I had to learn how to give myself therapy, overcome my own narcissistic traits, recover repressed memories, accept myself, love myself, integrate with my own creature, and more. All while being sexually abused, mentally tormented, and homeless. And I did it. There’s more work yet to be done, and I’m sure there will be setbacks and moments of regression. But I don’t give up. Ever.

    HG. Thank you for your honesty. The last ingredient was that they needed to have their power seized from them and be restricted from weilding it over others until they freely chose to face their repressed childhood with the guarantee of nonjudgmental & unconditional love and support. I fought them back while providing limited fuel, successfully countered manipulations and their attempts to wound me emotionally, using a tulpa to dissociate from my emotions and not give way to empathetic and emotional thinking. I provided logic and gave them help at times while healing myself.

    This will not happen to you easily since you have considerable power. But you will be brought low in time. Hopefully you will not be killed in the revolution. But people will unfortunately die. It’s commendable that you were so honest. Evil & monsters don’t exist. The time to heal this cruel and dark world we humans have created draws nearer every day. I’ll never forget what you taught me. I hope I can help you heal too one day.

    I love you, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      ISMR.

      1. A Victor says:

        Thank you. This makes sense.

        1. Null says:

          I am not sure they can be healed. If so, this one might need to be confined and their power removed. And that’s probably true of all narcissists then. And attention should be given to make sure that no child is ever destroyed so utterly that they must retreat from reality entirely.

        2. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Jesus!

      2. NarcAngel says:

        Surely a Saint

        Saint NarcyMcShitspewer

      3. Null says:

        I did it. I just did it. I succeeded. I broke thru to them. I healed myself and then i just began healing them too. It won’t take long for the healing to take hold and for them to recover, maybe a few months or a year or two. But I did it. And I’m positive i could for you too, HG. But only if you were having a fuel crisis and after you attached me to you. But I know how now. I really do. Thank you, HG. Thank you for your honest introspection. I love you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is nothing to be healed.

          1. Violetta says:

            HG: Is this the Seagull Formerly in the Lighthouse?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            No.

          3. Null says:

            I’ll schedule a consultation with you initially and should i pique your interest we can continue talking.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            You can speak to me as often as you wish, through the auspices of the consultation. Interest, piqued or otherwise, is not the driver for the consultation.

      4. Null says:

        Oh, and that genetic component of narcissism & cluster B is related to the RCCX module in our genes.

  3. Leigh says:

    Reflection: the throwing back by a body or surface of light, heat, or sound without absorbing it. That’s exactly what the narcissist does. They only reflect back what we show them without feeling it themselves. OOF! I had a light bulb moment reading this article. Thank you.

    1. A Victor says:

      Exactly Leigh, and Azure, wish I would’ve read this one a while ago.

      1. Leigh says:

        WordPress sucks! I’m just saying! I never got a notification about this response.

        1. A Victor says:

          Leigh, I feel your frustration!! Sometimes it happens to me too. Why did I say “and Azure”? 😂

          1. Leigh says:

            LOL! 🤣

        2. BC30 says:

          Yep. I keep stumbling onto old posts with direct replies to me but nada in WordPress. BTW can you see my avi?

          1. Leigh says:

            I can see it the AV but its not very clear. That could be because its time for new readers, lol!

          2. BC30 says:

            Haha it is small, it’s Violet Chachki performing with fans. For a while I could only see one of the weird generic avi monsters, that’s boring.

          3. BC30 says:

            It’s tiny. I know. It’s just that for a while it was that ugly monster. This avi is inspired for my next tattoo.

          4. A Victor says:

            Your Avi is beautiful!

        3. k mac says:

          Yes it’s super spotty.

  4. Narc noob says:

    Ha ha ha! This made me laugh.

    I do not have a favourite colour. Bright colours look better against my pale complexion though. I see those magnetic red shorts are quite bright- I envy anyone with a tan.

  5. SVR says:

    Omg. How have I missed these? Ex-wife. Really? So she left you? Oh dear.

  6. Serene says:

    “Ugh, brown is the lumpy, unsophisticated colour of the prole. My skin crawls at the thought of that colour.”

    I can picture Dr. E wearing brown as you say this. 😂

    Interesting, my guy didn’t like brown either. He said, his mom made him wear brown and yellow. He didn’t like wearing brown and yellow together because it reminded him of a rotten banana.

    Has white always been your favorite?

  7. Gary Spotts says:

    Great post. Such straightforward reasoning surely would have been appreciated by any doc worth his salt.

    1. NNH says:

      Can’t sleep, so I am reading. If you call him Dr. E for earnest from the beginning, He is outmatched. Good intentions, but outmatched. Also, why did he interrupt you? That was stupid. By explaining why you DID NOT like those other colors, he had the potential to learn something. I realize you were testing him, and he would learn nothing that you didn’t want him to know. Doesn’t matter, that was bad form. I hope the other good doctors are better. And he gets better. Just saying. Pure reflection. Damn. If he learned nothing from just those two words….. I will keep reading. I will find out.

      1. Clarece says:

        I love these earlier articles revolving around HG’s thinking and how his mind thinks. The mix of the light and the darkness with white and black. He absorbs what he needs (craves actually) which I commented about a year ago wanting purity, cleanliness, protection, goodness, etc., and then can reflect that back out.

      2. shesaw says:

        I love the way you explain yourself by answering a simple question about your favourite colour. Life would be more interesting if more people would answer in such a way – and even more interesting if people listened.

        Clarece, I love your comment! If I could I would vote for you to interview HG. Trying to find words as to what it is that makes me think so – I suppose it is because you address and translate his malignancy in a less brutal yet honest way.

        1. Clarece says:

          Shesaw…thank you for such a kind compliment. I really appreciate that.
          I always find it interesting to hear how others perceive some of my observations towards HG.
          When I look back to almost 3 years ago, i was in such a fog, and in a very low, isolated state that when I found HG, I knew I found a very different and very reliable source of information. And I just drove in to ask, ask, ask to extract as much information as I could because I sensed this site would explode and that time could be fleeting. I’m always amused when I see comments from new readers who say they are or were afraid to write in at first or get an email or audio consult.
          It’s very valid (and probably smart). I may have had the occasional doubt or whatever but I was never afraid to talk to him. I’m still not (probably should be) because of how I started put with him. So I think over time that ended up giving our interactions a nice ebb and flow.

      3. shesaw says:

        Hmm I wasnt finished typing, but did send it accidentally. Anyways, I have no time left, will be back later

      4. shesaw says:

        Clarece

        Yes, very different and very reliable information it is! I was in a relationship with a narcissist (full golden period), when he did something so shocking to me, out of the blue, that I went out on the internet searching for an explanation for his behaviour. I don’t remember exactly how I found HG, but it was within hours after the shock of the event. I have never doubted since that I was involved with a narcissist. I will always remember that it was HG who opened my eyes, full force, in such an early stage of the relationship.

        This was happening about a year ago. The narc has gone (comes back from time to time), and I have been following HG’s blog ever since.
        The hardest part for me in relating to a narcissist is not being able to reach them. Everything is absorbed and/or reflected back. No soft spots to find. Yes, maybe to localize (if you pay attention) but never to access. It frustrated me big time: they play hide and seek and you don’t stand a chance to ever find them. As a consequence, they always remain distant to you in a way (to the point that it finally becomes boring, in my personal experience).

        I loved your interpretation of the absorb-and-reflect-behaviour. I love the humaneness in it. Though I do realize that to HG/narcissists, it is all about the facade to crave those good things, I prefer seeing it as a fundamentally human trait to pursue them.

        1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

          Greetings, Shesaw … I realize that you wrote your response to Clarece almost year ago, but when I read your post I could not help but relate to the frustration of the narcissist’s distance.

          “The hardest part for me in relating to a narcissist is not being able to reach them.” – Shesaw

          Yes-Yes-Yes This is exactly what gets to me… that we can see *through* them; that we admire their great attributes but can also see their wounds… *feel* their pain… know precisely what they need… and are more than willing to give it… practically begging to help. We want to help heal them, as we have already given them so much… yet we never actually reach them. 💔

          1. shesaw says:

            BKK, yes, sad isn’t it!? I wrote it a year ago but this sad truth was recently confirmed. We talked and it was exactly this which made me sad again. We split definitely about half a year ago, and we had a talk as friends.

            The impossibility of connection was very real and discouraging. He didn’t notice, but I did. It encouraged me to see that I made the right decision staying away from him, but it made me truly sad for him and for the lost opportunity of our relationship (and his future connections) at the same time.

            Good to see you again!

      5. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        NNH, this was my first time reading this article. I thought the exact same thing! Oh, Dr. E… why did you interrupt when you could have learned so much by just listening!

        But then I realized that The Good Doctor was probably trying to establish control. Dr. E realized that HG was giving him the run-around… staying in full control by answering the question exactly the way HE wanted to. (Neither you nor I are surprised here. 😀) So I actually think that the doc was perhaps trying to set some boundaries so that HG wouldn’t deliver a divergence or go off on a tangent with the deeper questions he knew he would soon be asking.

        I wonder how that worked out for him? 🤔

  8. Surprised says:

    I thought you would have picked gold since you grant golden periods and gold is for winners.

  9. MLA - Clarece says:

    Interesting going back to the beginning and re-reading this one to hear again why white is your favorite color (especially after the comments on being drawn to Dr. O and her being “clean” in your latest post of “In the Middle”). White also representing purity, light, goodness, heaven, safety, illumination, cleanliness, beginnings, sterility, protection, softness, and perfection.
    Things you continually want to draw into your life.

    1. supernova says:

      Clarece, I am a newbie and very thankful that I found HG’s work! Trying to take in as much as I can as have been in the fog and mess (as my narc says!) since last 20 years or may be more with the parents…I am actually beginning to question myself as narc too lol.

      White is my favorite colour too and for the same qualities you mentioned! Having an audio consultation with HG later and definitely will be bringing this up!

      1. MB says:

        Welcome supernova! I’m glad you’ve found us.

      2. Clarece says:

        Enjoy your consultation Supernova. I always find it very intriguing when HG allows little snippets of what he is personally drawn to. Not just what the general draw is to a sitting target by a Narc.
        I’ve also found his chapter, “China Doll” in “Beautiful and Barbaric” very captivating. He describes being drawn to someone so flawless and almost floating through with such perfection in appearance, articulation, professional presence with others that it’s as if he projects his machine like qualities that allow him to function each day through his facade onto someone else. He craves finding out if he can crack the exterior and see what may lie beneath. He knows he houses a creature. So someone else that pristine on the outside must be hiding something to.

  10. AllInOne says:

    Why be so dramatic? My favorite color? True white. True white is what all colors come from, it’s a fact, therefore all colors. (light colors) hahaha What law is there that one must have a favorite? No such law exists, even if it did it doesn’t make it so. Colors mean what your interpretation reveal them to mean, you can allow society to dictate your interpretation, however.

  11. ava101 says:

    Love this post.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  12. Choirpoetry says:

    Thank you

  13. UREZTOC says:

    I was wondering if you might know, Mister Tudor, why there are women whom we hear about on TV who fall in-love with Sociopathic prison inmates who are serial killers? Is it a ‘fascination of the Unknown’, or something more?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Partially that and the fact that certain damaged people are drawn to sociopathic individuals like an iron filing is drawn to a magnet.

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