Unhappy Birthday To You

They happen every year and you have come to dread the appearance of both your own birthdays and mine. You would much rather neither taken place if you are entirely honest. The day is spent treading on eggshells as you await the inevitable argument and dressing down that you will receive. The annual sense of disappointment will happen again and again and you hope somehow it will change, but it never does.

Let’s begin with my birthday. You dedicate time and money to making my birthday an enjoyable and memorable occasion. I dedicate a degree of energy to ensure that it is memorable, but for the wrong reasons. You plan something special to mark the occasion and go to considerable lengths to organise a surprise party or a trip out somewhere you believe I will like. You scour catalogues and the Internet trying to find that gift you hope will make me break out in a smile. Most normal people will be happy with half the effort you put into pleasing me on my birthday. Not me. The occasion may involve a grand day out and a spectacular gift but just as it did last year and the year before that, it will end in an argument and us lashing out at you.

On the face of it, one would imagine that just for once we would get throughout the day without causing some kind of drama. After all, the day is all about us. Exactly what we like and what we want. People wish us happy birthday, they send us cards, they give us presents and you run around lifting and carrying for us (even more than usual). The spotlight is firmly on us. We drink up all this fuel but still we want more. Every single second has to be about us. Do not expect us to thank you or anyone else who provides us with a gift. Remember, we are entitled to receive them. We may have received gifts of twenty people but you know that all we will harp on about is the person we did not get a gift from whom we expected to. That becomes the focus of our irritation. The brilliant and thoughtful gifts are left to one side as we rail against this one person who has not bought us something. It does not matter that they send a card, it does not matter that we did not send them a gift on their birthday (and never have done), and it does not matter that nobody else would expect this distant relative to send such a gift. We will raise it and repeat it and rant about it.

Woe betides you if you do not give to us the exact gift we expected. If you fail to do this we will comment and lash out at you. You cannot possibly love us since you did not give us the right gift. We conveniently ignore the fact that what you have brought us is still a wonderful gift and we actually do like it. That is not the point. It is not the gift we wanted and you will be subjected to our scathing remarks. If by sheer dint of exhaustive effort you manage, against all the odds, to work out what we want (don’t expect us to help you by explaining what we want, we expect you to know this through telepathy) and give us the right gift, do not expect smiles and thanks. We need to make a scene. Instead, we will remark,

“I see you finally got it right. It does not really make up for all the years you got it wrong does it?”

You can never win when it comes to providing us with gifts. We will always want to put you down no matter what you have done and irrespective of the effort and expense that you have gone to. We will always be unsatisfied and this will manifest in us giving you a dressing down in front of everyone at the party, or storming out of the venue at some sleight. Every year you will hear the same stinging accusation ringing in your ears,

“You’ve ruined my birthday. Again.”

When it comes to your birthday the position is just as bad. We will routinely pretend to forget about it. Do not be fooled by our repeated apparent memory lapses. We have minds that remember everything and our powers of recall are spectacular. We know your birthday is on the horizon and with most things with us it generates two reactions. On the one hand we resent the forthcoming anniversary because it is a day geared towards the individual, namely you. It is not about us and we cannot stand that. It is rare that you ever allow the spotlight to be shone on you (by now you are so used to having to point it at us, you give up on it ever being fixed on you) but you do hold out the futile notion that it might still be done on your birthday, of all days. We find this galling. This is a day that will be about you and thus where will we get our fuel? Its approach generates dread and horror inside of us.

Conversely, we relish your birthday because we know, despite every previous disappointment, you still hold out hope that this year it might just be different. You pray to your own personal god that please, just for one, the day can pass without incident and you can enjoy yourself. You are not particularly bothered about doing anything special, perhaps a meal out somewhere and the gift need not be expensive, just so long as it exhibits that some kind of thought has gone into it. Your thoughts are based on hope as opposed to expectation. It will not be different because we need to spoil it; we need to make you feel upset and demeaned. To achieve this there are various things that we will do on your birthday.

  1. We forget about it completely. If you mention at 6pm that evening that it is your birthday we will lash out at you by explaining how busy we have been at work or that there has been some other pressing matter which means that it has slipped our minds. We deliberately forget about it and we will not countenance you criticising our omission.
  2. We organise something lavish but we know it is not something you will actually like. As usual, you put a brave face on it and fix a rigid smile to your face. We know what you are really thinking because we know it is not something you like. In fact, it is more likely that we have organised something that we enjoy. We do this so that everyone else can see what a grand and delightful gesture we have made and we drink in his or her admiration. It also enables us to poke at you repeatedly suggesting that you don’t like it. We are goading you into making a tiny admission that it is not quite what you expected and then we erupt in self-indignant fury as we castigate you for being ungrateful after all the effort we have gone to.
  3. We buy some token gesture and point out that your 43rd birthday is not really something to celebrate is it? It is hardly a milestone. We then use this to remark on your advancing years and point out your various flaws.
  4. We organise a lovely birthday for you but spoil it by turning the spotlight back onto ourselves. We turn up late, we flirt with a guest or we manufacture some drama so that everyone is looking at us and not you. We complain at waiters when there is a family meal out, when there is not actual need to do so. We want to make a scene and wrench the spotlight back over to us.
  5. We remember your birthday and spend it doing what you want and we are pleasant to you until early evening when we deliberately pick a fight with you over absolutely nothing. The fuel we gain from this behaviour is all the sweeter as we have built you up, your guarded behaviour has melted away as we appear to have done everything that pleases you. We are waiting. We are waiting for you to feel good and happy and then we will cast you down so your emotional reaction is all the more heightened.

This behaviour is not just reserved for your birthday although we enjoy ruining your birthday the most. We do this with the birthdays of our children, friends and family. We hate it being about someone else and we hate seeing him or her being happy. In our world, nobody else is allowed a birthday and we believe that every day is our birthday and everyone should recognise that and act accordingly.

We know that you would rather your birthday be erased from the calendar. It is always a horrible day in one form or another and you would rather it not take place. We put a big red ring around it in the calendar in our mind and scribble next to the day the words, “ Special Fuel Day.”

24 thoughts on “Unhappy Birthday To You

  1. Lisa says:

    Nex did this on the birthday of our little boy.
    Gave him nothing and he was looking out for a castle from playmobil.
    He expected me to become mad but i resist it in front of family.
    When i was in my home, i did go to a webshop, did buy the biggest castle for my little boy and payed with the bankaccount of his lovely father.
    Lovely daddy has forgotten that i have the code 😉
    Afterwards he was so mad 😉
    I know he would punished me for that if i was still living with him.
    I guess i couldn’t sit for a month or two 🙁
    Lucky me, i have my own home now ;-))
    First time i did something like this.
    Still enjoy it 😉

    1. Anonymous Anonymous says:

      Love it! Good for you!

    2. Joa says:

      Our daughter’s first birthday – he arrived when all the guests had left and the daughter was asleep. No gift from his for her…

  2. Angel says:

    I had to read this as it’s his birthday today and what you’ve said in this post cannot be more true. I’ve been on no contact for a week now and I don’t intend to break it by wishing him happy birthday today.

    I’ve got a question, would he be “expecting” me to?

    1. HG Tudor says:


    2. Joa says:

      He did not speak to me for about 1.5 months and he did not pay anything for 2 months, just to write to me in June, on HIS birthday 🙂

      It was so obvious…

      I thanked for the payment and made a short, polite wishes.

      I remembered/the official, rigid text of wishes.


  3. ithinkamasubcarrier says:

    oh my gosh, once again again… Ii thought I was mental til I read this

  4. Oh this post is not just about birthdays- New Years Eve: Bad choice Mr N, bad choice. Finally ready, beautiful new white cotton long dress, beautifully created, Grecian influenced. Jewellery, simple & small, fine bracelet necklace and earrings, one set of rings. Face, beautifully made up, hair pulled up and piled high with diamontes weaving through. Flat matching ankle sandals with diamonte strip down the front. (Not a good idea, the dress was getting snagged on the sandals). Him, nicely dressed in long charcoal pants, deep blue shirt (loved that shirt).

    Wow what an entrance, very excited to be going out and both looked great from my perspective. Seating was arranged and great band. Just us- that year. Drinks, starting to relax. Next table over, had no idea a friend of a large charity was there, no idea at all.

    After half an hour I use the ladies room. I come back out and he is ropeable! Absolutely with horns and all completely changed. Eyes narrowed, scowling face-glaring as he did when I walked out of the restroom as I walked toward our table. I left and lucifer was sitting in his place! He started, he moaned and he questioned how long I had been away when in fact it was a matter of a few minutes. He asked where I had really been oh what a crock of crap, he watched my every move! Oh here it comes, the gaslight.

    The fire backdrafted right across him: Why? He did not realise nor did I that my friend and her family were seated in near range. AS he tore into me with his fangs sticking out like a huntsman spider and hissed like a serpent his voice was getting louder and louder until I looked over to avoid any contact and spotted my friend. Tears were rolling down her face as she knew the person I was and the charities I had been involved in doing selfless work. The humiliation rose inside and I met her eyes and it was a moment I recall vividly.

    She did not need to say a word, the sisterhood worked in another way. To my astonishment three woman approached our table and tore strips from him!!!!
    No man would dare, it is always the women isn’t it? Exchanges of words occurred between themselves and him and the first comment of course, was it is none of your business. They got stuck into him verbally and remarked how beautiful I was and what a beautiful couple we made. OH MY GOD (Don’t say that I was screaming to myself in my head). Up out of the chair he leaped like a maniac- You coming, he ordered. I said nothing. Hit the road Jack in my head! I stayed and I had support and I had a good time once HE WAS GONE! Yes, sure I copped it and it was forever raised, like everything but I know him well and he would have been outside spying here and there. How do I know: He revelled in telling me how my night went!~

  5. Spot on once again HG. You have not mentioned how the gifts may as well have been given to an elephant to stomp over even if a Rolex. Anything representing anything to anyone gets smashed and discarded doesn’t it or if more enterprising, could be pawned off for the doh re mi. We speak of objects, yet all of little or no value to the narcissist really. I guess I was raised correctly and he was not, as if one cannot care for or respect the little things, how in the hell could one care or be respectful of anything of further value.

  6. susan anderson says:

    Yes a sex museum…looking back it is funny, and we had a great time. And I know you aren’t my ex – that was a definite joke. It was just the age and her hair so I poked alitle fun.

    My ex has a few websites, that for years continues to manage and say is a business. He is quirky and loves photography and making videos – so I told him to capitalize on it. His issue is that he puts miminal effort into everything. Then when it doesnt progress, he blamed me for taking up his time. I told him that I was NOT his downfall for success, HE was – because Im successful and have noone to blame for falling but myself. He never liked when I told him to shut the ideas down – he said I was killing his dreams. But I asked how I could kill a dream that he puts no work into, yet brags about being a ‘CEO’ with no money?

    He took another job (by God’s good grace and alot of prayer on my end) and it’s promising and stable. Over time I was blamed for the job, and him saying that I wanted to turn into a ‘regular man’ but he was not just a regular man like everyone else, and that I was a problem. I was floored! I told him that people would KILL to be US, finance-wise bc combined we make a nice living but he said because I made more I would not hold it over his head.

    Excuse after excuse. I do believe he is a low level Narc, because 1) he doesn’t form sentences properly when he writes 2) he always tends to ‘fall for’ what I call a ‘lesser woman’ meaning: ‘trashy’ – usually into lounge-hopping, sub-par education, in need of fixing. 3) will introduce those kinds to his friends but not family

    I was not the trashy woman, I was the boring and stable, though we had many fun times together. He has more fun with wreckless types because they have nothing to lose, I think? He went to jail for hitting his ex GF at a lounge, when she confronted another supply. I sometimes believe he still sees her, because she never stood up for herself, but always put herself into positions of stalking – I believe he almost liked it. Does your kind LIKE stalkers??? I never put myself in a situation or place where I can bump into him – it would be too difficult, but I believe his others not only WANT to see him, but have followed him and watched him. I met his parents, siblings and 1 daughter…which always confused me. In a way – I felt like he wanted me as a ‘Primary Source’ if you would, because he’s treat me very much like a friend in front of them (who am I kidding, away from them, too) and when I said he was playing w/my heart he’d say ‘you met my family, and my daughter, and NOONE meets them’…..hence, intermangled.

    Who knows. Too much energy. I will hope that maybe he’ll find what he seeks. But I also believe he will lose all he took for granted, including that job I prayed on for him. He is the CEO but nothing to show for it. Its like he lived in his mind all of the time. Part of me liked it and found it endearing, but the problem w/him was he never knew how to distinguish fantasy from reality at all times…….NPDs sometimes have overlapping issues. I think he may be schizoid, as few times he ‘saw’ things. He also called himself clairvoyant…good at reading people, but IDK about clairvoyant.

    Does he sound low or high level. You are successful and I believe there lies the biggest difference – energies arent placed properly to ‘buy and keep’ victims mouths closed…does that make sense? IDK it does to me. He was more of a conman. THen again so was my Father, though he knew who to con for millions. The Ex. Not so much. Just focused on fun and a piece of derriere, it seemed to me from my yrs of on the job training


    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi, yes he is a lesser member of our brethren. We are all con artists, but some con more and deeper than others.

      1. Lori says:

        HG, What do you feel and think when you believe your ex(s) are talking you like Susan mentioned?

      2. Lori says:

        HG, what do you feel or think when you know your ex(s) are stalking you as Susan mentioned? Does it make you more likely to hoover?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thought fuel. They have entered the sixth sphere and if the criteria are met then a hoover will be executed to gain more fuel.

          1. Lori says:

            And what would that criteria be, HG?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Hello Lori, The Hoover Execution Criteria. Please see ‘It’s Hoover Time.’

          3. Lori says:

            I read ‘It’s Hoover Time’ and I appreciate you pointing me in that direction, HG. It truly is another world I cannot relate to as I peak into the demented mind of your kind. But thank you again… I know on occasion I give you a little bit of a hard time, but you really have helped me heal.

  7. susan anderson says:

    hahaha. Ill be 43 in a few weeks…NARC—- is this you??? So he ONCE in 6 yrs planned a birthday…we went to a nice restaurant in the CIty followed by a tour of…what other than the NYC sex museum…Nothing I would have wanted but honestly he was so inconsiderate I found it to be a joy.

    Meanwhile I threw great birthday parties for him…one time, everyone toasted him personally…when everyone LEFT? He said “It felt like a ROAST not a toast”…noone said ANYTHING BAD!

    Why HG are you so …. tangled within? Is it that good is something you simply cant relate to? I have such a hard time grasping why someone would go OUT of their way – wasting time and energy on hurting people?

    I try so hard to get it…and I get it, but maybe my yearning for people to be loving vs hating keeps me in a state of perpetual denial/fight.

    I dont anticipate surprise flowers this year as I was told I deserved no special occasion.

    Do you believe in God? Or Karma? The universal law of get what you receive? I saw my Father live in denial forever…still blaming the world…I cannot grasp this…ps the girl in the pic has red hair…if youre my ex making alot of money Ill sue you lol Just kidding…but OMG I definitely know nothing bothers you people.

    Ignoring you makes you almost hate us more…feeding into you makes you disrespect us more…

    One question I intended to ask: You are a high level narc

    What is the Low Level Narc? Is this the one who dreams of success and glory but cant do it so he cons women. Like a gigalo? Are they as calculated as you? I believe they are but also ‘wing it’….and then practice improvisation. They dont know what to say to make things work, so they just throw random BS out there.

    I guess Im curious. Im always curious.

    I think I love you HG…Im falling hard…lol…sorry just a little joke 🙂


    1. malignnarc says:

      A tour of the sex museum – that made me laugh, must remember that one. Tangled within – interesting description. I do good, I light up people’s lives, I bring my skills to bear in the business with excellent outcomes, I entertain people with humour and tales of my derring do, I spread knowledge and test people to gauge their suitability. It is not a waste of my energy when I hurt people. As you know, I am a creature of economy. I choose the optimum target from which the premium result will be obtained and I do it because of fuel. That is the reason. It really is simple. I need fuel, I have to get it, any way I can, this can result in collateral damage but that is the price others have to pay. It is not hard to understand.
      Yes I believe in God. Karma is a stranger to me. You have to remember that nobody fives it to you, you have to take it.
      I am not your ex but I am so much like your ex and Niita’s ex, Janaa’s ex,So Sad’s ex, Sheila’s ex, Alexis’ ex, MLA’s ex, his ex, her ex, their exes and so on. So many times people wonder if I am their ex. I am not in the sense of identity,I do not know any of the people who come to this blog, but I am very similar to the exes in terms of make-up, thought,word and deed.
      Ha ha sue away, but you will lose!
      A low level or lesser narc has a lower level of functioning – their skills are not as honed as mine, they will wing it as you identify, their machinations are not as calculated and they have less energy and therefore take the easiest route to fuel. I discuss more of this in Sitting Target and even more in a forthcoming book dealing with the Victim Narcissist. Of course you love, everyone does! Thank you for posting.

  8. Jax55 says:

    On the one and only time we spent time together on my birthday I was handed a packet of old photos. They had been taken and developed by himself 20 years earlier. Just as well he hadn’t used the local Boots, the content was of a pornographic nature, him and a girlfriend. Didn’t leave much to the imagination. Why he thought that was a suitable gift, maybe you can understand that one HG.
    I’m certainly not a prude and he certainly had nothing to complain about regarding our intimate relationship.
    I never had the “pleasure” of being with him on his birthday, no doubt he was busy devaluing his number 1 fuel source on that day.

  9. Joyce says:

    This author is amazing. How true I used to feel guilty about her being this way that somehow it was my fault. My other three grown children are loving and the opposite of her. I believe she has a demon in her. She is 43. Always like this unfortunately. Don’t know how to help her

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi Joyce, thank you for posting. You cannot help her. You can only help yourself. Knowledge is they key.

  10. So Sad says:

    Very true . I had a big 0 birthday a couple of years ago . Had to book the table myself , never had a call telephone call all day to wish me a Happy Birthday . . Was picked up at 7pm , told to choose from the ” taster” menu ( the cheapest option ) and dropped off by 9pm . Memorable for all the wrong reasons .. .

    1. malignnarc says:

      Archetypal behaviour isn’t it? What did you do for your other half’s birthday?

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