The Asylum of the Grotesque

“Why don’t you try to love me the way that I love you?” – Paula

“Perhaps if you just tried you could find a better way to something deeper and more substantial.” – Kate

“I know it is within you, it has to be, all you need is to embrace it and place your trust in me.” – Alex

“I know you flirt with all kinds of dirt, but beneath the sin, I know you want to love me like I love you.” – Karen

“If you let me I will show you how to love without condition or cruelty, it can be done by all of us. Just let me try.” – Caroline

I still hear these words from these women (and more besides) as I sit late at night in the large living room to the rear of my house. It is on the first floor and provides me with a commanding view of the fields to the rear of the property, the occasional copse breaking up the undulating countryside. I had two bedrooms knocked together and created this living room where I like to sit and look out across the view as the sun vanishes and the cool, calmness of the night arrives. The sky shifts from the medley of flaming oranges, reds and yellows to a soothing azure and then the darkness descends. Karen and I enjoyed sitting in the large elbow chairs that faced the window. Often we would say nothing as around us the lamps would switch on, a gentle click signifying their creation of a pool of light as the timer activated them one by one.

I will often leave the city behind and come out here so I can sit in this house which I regard as my castle and with a glass of Chablis in hand, watch the sky change colour. The occasional noise of a distant animal might be heard but largely there is silence. The enveloping stillness of a calm world until I hear their words. All of them meant what they said and did so with the best of their intentions. I know that because I could see it in their eyes. Whether it was the earnest green, the heart-felt hazel, the beseeching blue or the inspiring grey, I still see them as they tried to make me see a different way. They wanted me to change. They wanted to make me something else.

Now Karen no longer sits beside me, I rarely bring the girlfriends that I acquire out here. I prefer the solitude, only for a few days. I will periodically check my electronic devices and the winking displays, lists of messages and e-mails sustains me as so many seek my attention. Without Karen, I decide against having the lamps gently bloom and instead prefer the gathering darkness. It is here that I can sit and plan. It is in this quiet that I can marshal my resources, mark my targets and organise my machinations. It is also when I resist those pleas to become that which I regard as impossible to achieve. I prefer to walk amongst my trophies. I stride amidst the frozen tributes to my brilliance as I picture each and every of my conquests as if they are beautifully crafted statues each in a pose denoting my victory over them. There is Siobhan, on her knees looking up at me as she begs me not to go, her pretty features contorted by the pain she is experiencing. Paula sits at a table, her hands clamped over he mouth, her eyes wide with fear as she fights to say nothing, terrified that a word might slip from her lips. Becky dangles limps, the strings rising upwards attached to her hands, her feet, her head, her hips and other places. The broken puppet. Kate stands on tip toe, her face a mask of anguish as with one hand raised above her eyes she peers into the distance as if searching for something, an empty dog lead in her hand. I let my hands glide over the smooth stone that has captured their defeat and embodied it in an eternal stance. My fingers drift over open mouths, curled lips, tear-filled eyes and flared nostrils. I savour the misery, anger and dejection that has been injected into these statues. I regularly walk amongst them and it reminds me of my power, the hold that I have over these people who sought to change me but could only ever disappoint me. Why would I ever want to do what they would have me do? Why would I embrace their suggestions when I can create these monuments to my omnipotence? These masterpieces of misery always reinforce that I am destined to do this for this is what I do best. I am reassured, validated and comforted that my way is the right way when I take a strollΒ  in my asylum of the grotesque.


94 thoughts on “The Asylum of the Grotesque

  1. Ellie May says:

    Since I’ve discovered my N, I realize how easy it is to do what you do. It is elementary and pathetic really. I would call Narcs monsters, but the insecurity and neediness is just so sad.
    What I gathered from this post is that your inability to feel anything besides self loathing due to insecurity, and then anger, makes you so envious of normals that you try to destroy them to lift your weak ego and dull the voices for a moment. Just makes me wonder….who the hell damaged you and all these people so badly? Can’t you remember?
    And no, it doesn’t take anyone too long to forget these types once they’ve moved on. I joined a group where most are done with that in just a couple of months. People mourn any love loss, not you in particular.
    I also still wonder if there is some fix out there that could stop all of your types pain.

  2. Happily Discarded says:


    I didn’t see that coming…

  3. Starr says:

    So not one little tiny bit of you would be interested in feeling love the way Karen loved you ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I suppose there is a curiosity about how it feels, yes, but I see too much to lose and it didn’t exactly turn out well for Karen.

      1. Starr says:

        You can’t lose anything . You already have everything . Money and power and love cannot take that away . Love enhances your life and makes it better on top of what you already have . I’m sure Karen has healed and can still love and care for others and she isn’t as bad off as you may think . We always heal and we always love and choose to help others . Yes our hearts may be broken but we have gained so much despite our losses .

      2. Nuit Γ‰toilΓ©e says:

        Wonderful comment, Starr 😊

        Dearest HG, what do you have to lose?

        In your radio interview last year I believe you mentioned being at a kind of impasse w the good doctors.. trying to confront the Creature.. Are you continuing your project – to write the book Creature & to confront the core issues?

        Starr is right – Love only enhances us.. think of the real passion you have yet to experience, since passion is based on emotion.. and the ecstasy to explore as we discussed.. ahh.. the possibilities are endless – especially w your creativity πŸ˜‰

  4. Dan says:

    Maybe his son should read this blog. Depends on how deep the water is if he’d explore Narcissism and get help.

  5. Dan says:


    Being angry with a N is like getting pissed off at a hurricane that formed of the coast of Africa. Chastising a hail storm for damaging your car is like (you’ll enjoy this H) putting god down for causing such a storm. It’s a fruitless endeavor unless it serves to keep you away. Focusing on the effects of what a N does is the only real recourse. If a god sets of a tornado you certainly cannot question his design.

    1. Yes, I keep well away due to the effects of his actions.

      This is a man who covertly tries to drive his own child to suicide, because he’s jealous of his youth.

  6. Also, instead if victim-blaming and saying people are at fault for not running away, how about mentioning the clever games, the hooking in, the trauma bonding, the premature marriage, the birth of children, the financial control, the destruction of someone’s confidence, all of which make someone feel immobile ? That is a careful plan delivered by the narc. He isn’t blameless- he is the guilty perpetrator.

    What I hate is that narcs think that they are entitled to be their noxious selves, to do what they wish and hurt whoever they want.

    And yet they are hypocrites. Because they don’t entertain anyone trying to use them as a puppet or co tell them for a second. Yet they do that to others. Pure hypocrisy.

  7. Just wanted to say, I don’t necessarily believe in karma.

    What I do believe is that narcs think they are more intelligent than everyone else. A cerebral narcissist basks in this belief.

    Not totally so. It’s not that others are less intelligent, it’s that they are less manipulative. There is a difference. Their brains aren’t wired the same way as a narc’s.

    Those who have the misfortune of being hoodwinked by a narc unfortunately learn a painful lesson- that there are some pretty ugly manipulators about. Researching the issue, they will learn about gaslighting and diversion tactics, triangulation etc.

    These aren’t concepts which are too comple. For them to grasp. It just was t part of their previous vocabulary. They were too busy being normal.

    What invariably happens with a lot of narcs- and it happened with my ex- is that they are too confident. They think their lies are completely hidden. They think they can fool judges, fool police, fool anyone they choose, but not everyone’s taken in. Some can see right through them. And like my ex, their over-confidence lands them in boiling hot water. My ex is heading for a massive prison sentence. He isn’t that clever after all.

    Also, you say narcs get bored. There is nothing more boring than a narc. He only sees things through his own predictable lens. He is normally fixed, inflexible,grumpy, and isn’t spontaneous or fun. His manipulation X are ugly and boring.

    Narcs aren’t invincible or original. They are cliches.

    1. Morning sun says:

      “Those who have the misfortune of being hoodwinked by a narc unfortunately learn a painful lesson- that there are some pretty ugly manipulators about.”

      I think that is a rather useful thing to be aware of. It does make for a less relaxed attitude towards other people and sometimes it can feel a little lonely, but as long as it doesn’t hinder you from placing trust in people you have carefully assessed as trustworthy, it’s a great thing.

      In the middle ages, people had the witch, the werewolf, the vampire etc. Today, we have the narc. πŸ˜‰

  8. Magda says:

    why anyone would want to change You?? they shouldn’t. .. if they can’t stand You they need to run away…if they can they should enjoy You….either way people change when and if they want. If You don’t want to cause You love yourself the way You are perhaps You should find somone who thinks the same about You despite knowing Your dark secrets? You know where I am…;)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed I do.

  9. Thank you, HG. Unfortunately,the video is no longer available due to copyright claim by Warner…. however, I know the song – word for word ( as well as it’s message ). Be sure to remove this one from your repertoire.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome. Funnily enough it played for me, I guess it must be because we are in different jurisdictions.

      1. Yes……we certainly are.

  10. So anyway…..I found your blog interesting in that you confess to seeing your victims as nothing more than a “fuel source”, yet you clearly describe each “trophy” with her own unique and distinct human qualities. To the contrary, I find you to be the spitting, text book, robotic image of my narc. In fact, I had to remind myself several times that this article was created by you and not “it”. There is nothing original, imaginative or otherwise different from any of those like you. How do you find value in being a “clone”? Does that not cause you to pause and take inventory of your false belief in your superiority?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have written many times that the way our kind operates is very similar in nature. Not exactly the same, because there are differences in function, but there are variations on a theme. This is because the way that we operate is effective and therefore is something works why deviate from it? We are different in the sense that the characteristics that we obtain from you and others and which are furnished on the construct provide us with different facets. Hence, I can appreciate the differing qualities of those victims and indeed take those qualities and pass them off as my own, but still regard them as appliances since they are my fuel source. There is always a logic to our approach. You will regard it as illogical because your viewpoint is different from ours, but from our perspective what you may regard as contradictions and hypocrisy are entirely logical functions for us. Am I clone? Certainly not. I am unique but I operate in similar ways. Just as you are unique but you operate in different ways.Does the fact that you and other empathic individuals are similar make you a clone? From my perspective I would say yes, you all provide fuel (admittedly some more than others) but I also recognise that you have qualities which distinguish you from other people. Does the allegation of being a clone cause me to take stock? No. My superiority is drawn from three places. The real (I am a high achiever) and also the false (I readily appropriate other successes and claim them as my own) and also the constructed (my dynamic with my victims is such that I create an uneven battlefield which perpetuates my superiority over them). The first is evident although I accept this is not always the case for all of our kind. The second is indeed a false creation of superiority but since I regard it as necessary it causes me no concern. The third is a consequence of the ongoing dynamic and creates an actual superiority from an engineered position. Take two equally matched armies. Neither is superior. Place one atop a hill and the other has to march up that hill to engage. The army atop the hill is now superior. This is an engineered superiority but it is not false. Thanks for your question, I found it interesting.

      1. Your response is appreciated. The bottom line is this: I will never feel or completely understand you and your kind, just as you cannot feel and understand me and mine. With the exception of both being scientifically categorized as “human”, we are from different worlds and certainly see the world through different eyes. I am certain that my exposure to my Narc has a bigger purpose – and no, it’s wasn’t only to fuel him…’s actually an opportunity for my growth and self-discovery – my apologies, I’m speaking empath and you don’t understand.
        Again, I thank you and may request your input at another time.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome and I do understand because if I did not I would not be as effective as I am. I know like you, I don’t feel like you.

          1. Effective?…. only under the right conditions and ideal circumstances. You are not invincible over all . Like a lion in the wild, you only capture the weak, the old and the sick. The rest of the herd goes on to thrive. To have to lie, deceive and manipulate in order to get that which you lack, makes you weaker than your victim. You must take what they possess and you do not. Who would you be if you lost your “abilities”? Who are you without your mask? You do not “understand” as much as you would like to believe and this is ok. It is my opinion that it is a blessing you cannot feel, for if you could, for just one moment, you would absolutely disintegrate.

          2. I would appreciate your input on two issues that are not related to this blog.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            By all means. You can post here of e-mail me at if that is more convenient.

  11. HG – What is your chronological age?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Jamie, old enough to know and young enough to still do it.

      1. Skirting the answer……why is that?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I like people to try and guess. There is enough material here to make an educated guess.

          1. Hmmmm…I was mislead to believe this was a Q & A…..not Q & ???

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha, answer me this then, why do you want to know?

          3. Remember, Dear HG, I KNOW what you are. If you think I am playing YOUR game, you are sadly mistaken. It is with good reason that I specified “Chronological”….because your emotional age is obvious.

          4. Do you intend to respond to my inquiry of being a clone and questioning your superiority?

          5. HG Tudor says:

            I certainly intend to Jamie.
            As I work my way to your enquiry here’s some music.

  12. Alice says:

    I know this is an older post, but I just wanted to let you know that it blew my mind when I first read it – and it still does when I re-read it. It reflects a scene that I dreamt in a nightmare two years ago. I was sleeping over at the narc’s place back then, in his country house/refuge where he brought me, just like all of his exes and probably all of his other ‘statuesque objects.’

    That night, I dreamt that I had to confront the other woman who had suddenly turned into a stone statue. The narc didn’t even care, and scared as If he didn’t realiter that she had turned to Stone like Lot’s way (maybe she shouldn’t have turned around to look back?)

    However, the dream had started with a different scene: I had come home to my (!) house, noticing that a bunch of strange folks, among them, his ex, were squatting my home. The narc was there and since they were apparently somehow connected with each other, I asked him to throw all three of them (the other women, a girl-friend of hers and a strange boy) out of my place. I did not want them, and especially her, to invade my/our private space any longer; I wanted them out! But the narc did not comply.

    Instead, he watched them grap me, trap me, attach me and torture me with a lit cigarette, by pushing the burning cigarette light into my Achilles ankle! (Yay, Freud anyone?;-))

    I begged him to help me but he said that he couldn’t do anything for me, as he couldn’t or wasn’t supposed to choose. So he left me hanging there in limbo.

    Next thing I know is that I became extremely enraged and freed myself! Following this, I looked out of the window of the house, which had suddenly turned into his house, and I see those stone statutes in his fore-yard. Many of them – one of them I recognize: it is his ex girl-friend who had just tortured me in the previous scene (well, go figure!)

    Then I woke up in panic, shock and tears, trembling… it took me over an hour to calm down…

    There was much more in that dream which I won’t go into details about, but the point is that I truly *saw* his asylum of the grotesque in that dream, in exactly the way you described it here!

    Oh, and by the way: when I woke up in tears, the narc “gently” took advantage of the situation and my weekness… he forced me to confess my dream to him (I didn’t want to because I was so scared, but he kept pressing for it until I did). When I had told him what I had (fore)seen, it was obvious that he ravished to see me in such an anxious, confused, dark state! He loved to “comfort” me by pretending to protect me, whereas in fact he was just exploring my deepest fears of being just a replacable object aka ‘thing’ for him – just an ‘it’, of being discarded, abandonded and replaced and the becoming a life-less statute, pain carved into stone.

    A bleeding bride…

    (That was written half-a-decade before even meeting the narc – that narc).

    On the other hand, he hated me for what I told him (about my dream): he hated the role he played in it!?! He even told me that he felt uncomfortable and hurt that I pictured him this way… suddenly, I felt as if I had to apologize for my ‘visionary’ dream! Suddenly, it was all my fault, of course! (Blame-shifting, projection.)

    Well, anyway. Your post hit home. That’s basically what I want you to know.

    Of course, the narc used every Single one of the weaknesses he discovered, or maybe: I revealed that dream and vision of the asylum of the grotesque, in the devalue phase. Thank God I saw through him before the final discard – meaning: I elefantΓΆs left him before he could let down or replaced me. But I hadn’t year left him emotionally then, whereas he had probably aleeady done so weeks or months ago.

    Ok. Just wanted to share this here. Thanks again for this excellent post. It’s THE one post that nailed it best for me (and proved that you were really, truly someone affected by NPD: no victim of narc abuse could put it into words like that!)

    I am none of your minions H.G., and I understand and accept that you can’t and won’t ever heal from NPD. But we all gotta move on, right?

    So as a true empath, I dare point you to Pete Walker’s site Read his book on CPTSD. It is equally valid for narcs and co-dependants – the two sides of the same coin. Even If it will most likely not help you heal, it will surely provide you with new insights – or should I say new weapons?

    You might as well recommend it to your Drs. They will love it!

    1. nikitalondon says:

      Hallo Alice!!!

      Wie gehts dir? Ich habe deine Kommentaren vermisst! Wirklich!! Immer noch in KΓΆln?
      Nice to have you commenting again. So did you finally found him? The guy we defined that day? Tall and not boring? Intelligent?
      Still not coming near to Konstance border? Remember to let me know πŸ˜ƒ
      Liebe Grusse β˜€οΈ

      1. Alice says:

        Good to connect with you again, although I wish we would meet in a different (narc-free) place;-)

        My comments, ughh, they are full of typos. I’m typing on my phone and the auto-complete functions of that device got the upper-hand, LOL. But it’s nice to hear that you are reading then! πŸ˜ƒ

        I was a bit worried lately to see that Malignarc “ensnared” you (?) Quite worried, to be honest! It felt as of the fantasy of connecting with him online had taken over your thoughts and emotions… as If you were “competing” for his attention… :-/

        As long as it’s done with humour and enough distance, I think there’s no danger. But when the virtual narc becomes the replacement for your real-time narc, I think it gets messy and all you’re doing is replacing one addiction by another.

        Of course, you have to see and decide for yourself! All I want to say is ‘beware & take care!’

        Why engage with an empty pit / black hole narcopath when the works outside is full of real life? After all, they’re not that special:-)

        As for the ‘total package guy’ – well, no idea if that’s even a good idea;-) In fact, I am married and have been in a relationship with my husband for almost two decades by now. We have wonderful kids. We love each other and our family life, even it’s not a ‘whirlwind-kinda-love’ like the narc/codependent dance. But it’s a real, sustainable, loyal kind of love!

        Boring? No. Rather light, uncomplicated and viable, instead of all-devouring, dark and destructive.

        At some point in life, we forgot about the good sides of a ‘normal/healthy’ marriage. That’s when we agreed to take a break from our committments to each other and temporarily parted ways. Following this, I got involved with the narc and his crazy roller-coaster. Today, I understand that he was fake, that it was just intensity, not love. That intensity is not intimacy.

        That God, my husband and me never let each other down, and never gave up on ourselves.

        Today, our marriage is much better than 3 years ago! πŸ˜ƒ

        Yeah, I sometimes miss the illusion and excitement of the narc bubble – but then I know that all the short-time highs the bubble has to offer have to be Paus by the inevitable devalues and discards when you dare burst the fantasy bubble (or even for no apparent reason at all). I don’t crave this craziness anymore! I’m done with that sh*t!

        I withdrew from the addictive cycle by treating the toxic bond as an addiction – one day at a time. I worked through my own black spots thanks to Kaleah LaRoche’s audio healing programmes, Melanie Tonia Evans resources and blogs like Lucyrising [dot] com.

        So today, I feel so much better! 😊

        I enjoy Everyday life! I don’t miss the narc. I don’t feel the need to lecture, cure or heal him anymore, or to take revenge… I just released him into the Universe, whatever has to happen for him may happen. No more emotional charge, 100% no contact (I ignore ALL his hoovers, it’s easy once you get used to it and have shifted the focus back onto yourself!) I think now is the Time where I can resp the rewards of Post-Traumatic Growth, yay!

        All in all, I am sooo glad and thankful that I escaped the abyss, and I am so grateful for the experience! ☺️

        Kudos to you and all the other lovely ladies, and I really hope that you’ll eventually escape not only your narc’s Fake bubbles, but also HG’s Evil smoke and mirrors (oops, no offense meant;-)).

        Don’t stay stuck in here, move forward, enjoy spring time, live YOUR life! Xx

        PS: could you drop your mailadress again so that I can contact you privately. Maybe we could connect via facebook as well, but I suggest you do not post your Facebook address here;-)

  13. anasylvie says:

    Wow so much in here. Let’s just kill the messenger, why don’t we!!! My head hurts now. Is it nature or un nurture that made you or both? I will keep reading.

  14. Jax55 says:

    I haven’t read “Walking in my Shoes yet” HG but I have been pondering what the creature is for you…
    Is the creature the authentic you, the young child who once felt emotions in all their glory before they were crushed into dust?
    When you feel the creature’s presence is that when the shadows of a younger vulnerable self start to emerge?

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are on the right lines.

      1. Jax55 says:

        Thank you

  15. kathy says:

    Most narcissists do not see themselves this way. Most convince themselves that THEY are the victims. This is more a description of a sociopath.

    1. malignnarc says:

      But I am the victim as I keep mentioning, they all let me down.

  16. Nikita says:

    Kat πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ its definetely a mentality thing πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ those words could be him. My ❀️ R. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ i think he tells me the same at least once a week.
    Nice day

  17. Nikita says:

    HG: im wondering …. I suppose you like the insulting? Rageful comments? Is this good fuel for you?? And im hindering emma with my comments to continue giving you fuel??? How does it work here???
    I really found those comments out of place…
    Same with the comments of the woman who is supposed to be your mother…
    If this is really youre mother, this woman sorry to say does not deserve to be your mother nor anybody’smother….
    But I would like to know youre Opinion if you enjoy and feel fueled by all this rageful and hurtful remarks??? Then it must be my comments that really suck πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi Nikita, I hate being criticised. Insults are useful fuel but they allow me to retaliate with a view to gaining more fuel. It is not the wording of the insult that concerns me but the attention and the emotion behind it. Somebody insulting me through a message on a blog only provides a little bit of fuel. It is face to face where the emotion really is and that is where the fuel is. As to the insult from my “mother” it probably was not my mother. I was trying to provoke a further reaction you see.

      1. NoMore says:

        Just discovered your blog – fascinating.
        Wish I had had a playbook to my ex-husband earlier.
        One thing I will say, is you have the awareness and the courage to stand up for your views (albeit disgusting views to me).
        So now that you seem to be able to speak for my ex-husband (he never had your awareness or your courage), can I ask a few questions?
        * physical violence? Do you go there or is it a no-no (you seem more like a dandy on the sports side and “aesthetic” side of it all – based on the quality of your writing) What could trigger you or a narc (not presuming) to go into physical violence? Because someone will not bend to your wishes or manipulations? What would a narc feel after beating his victim? (If anything) Do her bruises (generally a “she” for the victim) or fracture pain you (she is not pretty, can’t take care of household for few days – guess a narc would not care to take her to a doctor) or do her bruises amuse you and provide fuel? (Or both)
        * children? (The narc’s own children I mean) Another object? An extension of you? A drag on your life? Child abuse – go there or not? Same as above, when would a narc beat his/her child? If your teenage daughter starts cutting herself (or any such severe depression issue), how does it register in a Narc’s mind?
        * responsibility? How does it work for you? Holding a job? Caring for a child, a parent, or even a pet? (My narc delegated the care of a pet fish to his 5 yr old son after 24hr – even a pet fish was too much…) Does a responsibility scare you, anger you? Does it require you to flee or exploit someone so that the drag of the responsibility disappears?
        * what scares you in life? To be discovered? Police? To lose your charm? What can keep you up at night?
        * do you remember what lead you to be like that? Nurture , nature, both? How was your childhood? When did it start as far as you can recall?
        * how do you know when someone would be a good price or not? Can you sense when people are not going along with your manipulations? If people can see through you how do you react to these people? Just avoid and move on to next or lash out? If these people who can see through you speak up, how do you react? Do you have more respect for the empath, your preys, or the apaths, the bystanders used in your machinations? ( if respect is the word to use here?)
        * do you have emotions? What makes you sad? What makes you happy? Or is it only a sense of power? Is your need for power just constant for all encompassing fear?

        I realize these are very many questions. Do not feel ibliged to respond. Even just listing them was a release for me.

        1. malignnarc says:

          I am pleased you find the blog interesting and thank you for contributing. I have an awareness based on my intellect and also through the work I have done with Dr E and Dr O in understanding much of what I am and why I am that way. I make no apologies for it. This is the way I have been built. Addressing your questions.
          1. Physical violence. I do not go there. I regard that as the hallmark of the low-functioning narc. I am a capable fellow and can handle myself but I do not engage in physical violence. I derive far greater satisfaction from applying my personality and intellect to achieve my aims over my fists. Plus, the application of my mind does not leave evidence. As for other narcs, I know that they will use physical violence to bring about control and capitulation. The fear that arises from it will also provide fuel. Any injuries inflicted would be down to the victim to attend to. The narc will only care about himself and will not be interested if someone cannot do the laundry owing to a fractured arm. The bruises do not provide the fuel it is the emotional reaction that accompanies them that does. What triggers physical violence in some narcs? The answer lies in my next book Fury.
          2. Children. I do not have children. They take the spotlight away and I made a conscious decision many years ago not to have them. Other narcs will regard them as hindrance if they are not providing fuel. They will be used as part of a narc’s manipulation of others (golden child v black sheep, child v mother) in order to extract fuel. They are also used as an extension of the narc’s construct, e.g. the narc would not congratulate his son on his exam results, he would merely comment that he got his brains from the narc (thus it is the narc who has actually passed the exams, the son is the extension). If a teenage child began cutting, the narc would be irritated as the daughter is making the situation about her and not the narc, so the narc will turn that around. The narc will berate the daughter for cutting herself (thus upsetting her and gaining fuel or angering her and gaining fuel) and/or raising it with others in order to create drama and sympathy through triangulation rather than helping. Narcs don’t do help.
          3. Job. I have a good job. I like it for the prestige and self-esteem plus the fuel-winning opportunities it presents. I don’t do responsibility however. Read Lack of Support in this regard. I agree with pets, they are a drain on the energy and hog the spotlight. They are best used for triangulation.
          4. What scares me? Very little. I can deal with most things. I sleep well every night (see the Sleep of the Righteous for more on that). The police do not bother me. My type are rarely bothered by them and if we are well I either charm them or call my lawyer and he does it for me. The one thing that does frighten me is the creature (see Try Walking In My Shoes)
          5. What created me? Keep reading the blog for more on that.
          6. In terms of how I regard people viz a viz the fuel they give me, to save my fingers I would refer you to Fuel. You will find all the answers to your questions in that respect, in there.
          7. Do I have emotions? Yes, I become enraged, I am jealous and envious. I don’t really understand happiness or sadness, I generally either feel powerful or not.
          I am going to put my fingers on some ice to cool down after all those answers ! Thanks for your questions.

  18. Nikita says:

    When being very objective Kat is a good complementfor the understanding we all seek from reading HG i have to say!!! πŸ˜ƒπŸ‘πŸ» thanks.
    On the other side I also agree that so destructful comments like the one Emma gave dont make any sense. Here I allow myself to protest.
    The objective of this blog is to read about HG’s feelings, actions and way of thinking and be able to expand this with his books and he does a really really good job in this, so comments like putting down a rabid dog just dont make sense. When I read so hurtful comments ( you got to me emma with the dog as I am animal activist) I allow myself to suggest that either you are at the wrong blog or you might think about complementing your readings with some budhistic phylosophy, letting go and forgiving or healing spiritually.

    Its now Monday πŸ˜–… So again have a nice week everybody.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Nicely put Nikita.

    2. Kat says:

      Thank you, Nikita, that is very sweet of you.

      I think you might have noticed that I do not abide by “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”.
      Life is not all sunshine and puppies farting glitter πŸ™‚

      I think it’s good when Emma, Clarese, or anyone else, vent and say how they really feel. It has potential to open up discussion we can all learn something from.
      What annoys me is when they do so, then run away. It’s cowardly and accomplishes nothing.

  19. Kat says:

    “No matter how well you feed a wolf, it will always look to the forest”
    An old Russian saying.

    All of these women were attracted to the wolf in HG. The beautiful wild animal in him. They saw the animal, maybe it looked more like a friendly Husky, so they offered it treats. The wolf came to them. He nuzzled them, showed them affection, followed them, protected them, fed them…

    The problem is, these women then tried to make him into a lap dog. Even when it became pretty clear that they were dealing with at least a wolf hybrid, they still tried.
    They thought that if they just kept feeding him those treats, he would never turn on them or run away. That he could be tamed with promises of a warm bed, a diamond studded leash, and yet more treats…

    These women thought they were so special, they wanted it so badly, that they denied that at heart he is, and always will be, a wild animal.
    He is not a pet.
    He will not be chained.
    If you try, he will bite.

    That was their mistake. Their ego, combined with their belief in romance novels and fairy tales, made them want to change him to suit their purposes.

    I just hope that after being bitten they will learn and will not invite another wolf into their home…

    1. malignnarc says:

      Interesting post Kat, thank you. I homed in on your reference to the victims’ egos driving them to want to change me. I am accused repeatedly of having a massive ego. Whose do you think is greater then given your comment? Who do you think suffers the greater delusion, them or us?

      1. Kat says:

        Who has the bigger ego? Easy. You, me, our kind. We really are egotistical sadists πŸ™‚
        But those women are also narcissistic, just in a different way.

        What is the easiest thing to exploit in a person? Their intellect? Their empathy? Goodness no. Their ego.
        We can stroke their ego in all the right ways. Making them feel beautiful, desirable, extraordinary, fascinating, appreciated. We soothe their insecurities and validate their delusions, till they are practically drowning in oxytocin. That’s why they love us so much, even when their knights in shining armour morph into toxic bastards in tin foil.

        The ones who think they are so good, so clever that they will never fall for another abuser’s tricks are a personal favourite.
        That ego is a glaring weakness.

        Most of your women have dreamed of Prince Charming riding in, to rescue them and give them their happily ever after, since they were what, 5? Because, deny it all they like, they really do think they are THAT special.
        Makes them eager prey. Over and over again.

        “Women love bad boys.” Certainly those who find themselves in relationships with personality disordered do.
        Love their bad boys…yet expect them to change and be good just for her. What is that if not ego?

        But the biggest indicator of ego to me is the fact that they project their wants and needs onto you and insist on trying to change you to suit them.
        Eg. they think the way they love is the only “good” or “proper” way to love.
        Ignore you when you tell them flat out, countless times, that their idea of love bores you to tears and you have no desire to experience it. Then push, whine, threaten and use all other tactics at their disposal to try to force you to change.
        They can say it’s purely out of love all they like, but let’s face it, if you do change, it would not only validate to them that they were right, that their version of love is superior, but also make them feel like a saviour. Behold the goddess who tamed the wolf nobody else could! What a shining beacon for all others!

        Fail to get their way and look how some of these bastions of goodness see us: demons, monsters, rabid dogs. Sub-human. They shake with impotent rage and call upon the universe to sodomize us with an unlubricated pineapple. Talk about how we should all be eliminated.
        All because of a wounded ego.

        I can keep going and going here.

        Who suffers the greater delusion?
        All I will say is that you and I know who we are. We know (for the most part) what we are doing and why.
        Many empaths seem to judge themselves purely on their intentions. It makes them blind to what they actually do.
        Many of them also reject the “boring” nice guys, who can give them the love they crave, and bounce right onto the next Prince Charming.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Thanks for the post Kat and some accurate observations there. You are especially right concerning the concept of their type of love. Just because ours is different does it make it any less? Not at all.

      2. Morning sun says:

        Wow, so accurate… thank you for that perspective.

        My own narcissistic traits and ego played a huge part in why I fell for the N, and the psyhological damage received as a child played a major part in why I stuck with him after the devaluation process began (some of it was damage from later, adult years).

        I’m not a victim – I chose him just as much as he chose me and I chose to stay. I idealised him as much as he did me. I received as much pleasure from the golden period as he did, and I chose to suffer in the period of devaluation because I suppose I place a value on suffering… in a different, complementary way, he provided negative fuel to me too, and I relished it. I guess feeling deep emotion makes me feel alive and it provides me with purpose – because I don’t really have a life purpose – that’s also why the N was so intoxicating to me, he talked about me fulfilling my purpose, how great I could be, that I could achieve anything I set my mind to, etc. (like my parents always told me but never showed me just how to go about it – hard work, determination etc. were not skills I had been taught), so I latched onto him as some kind of saviour. Alas, he failed to provide.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome. Do you like New Order?

      3. Morning sun says:

        Why do you ask?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Your name.

      4. Morning sun says:

        Ah. The name has no connection with New Order – but the video for the song is hilarious and the lyrics certainly fit the overall theme.

        1. HG Tudor says:


      5. A Victor says:

        It is about our ego! It’s why the never married guys on the site I was on were so attractive to so many!

        Just discovered the golden archives option! Makes it so much easier to access the past posts. And it is so interesting to see how things have changed, evolved, to where it is now. So much info but has most of it solidified or morphed?

  20. Kat says:

    Emma, wow!
    I find it fascinating when people who consider themselves to be caring and empathetic talk about whole groups of people being slaughtered, simply because they have sadistic tendencies.

    Personally I don’t believe in karma. It seems like nothing more than wishful thinking.
    If that were not true, then why are so many monsters living pretty happy, long lives?
    Or consider this, perhaps HG and my kind ARE agents of karma. You do something bad enough, maybe karma sends one of us to redress balance. Someone has to do the universe’s dirty work, right? πŸ˜‰

    Curious though and I would love to hear honest input, if you were given a way to rid the world of sadists, if someone could hunt us down and say, lock us away for life, would you be for it?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Indeed, see the post My God. I am here to weed out the impure and those who do not come up to standard. Someone has to do it.

  21. Miss Evelyn says:

    I think I’m beginning to understand. You do this to distance yourself, detatch. So that no one can ever get close to you, controlling you. Am I right ?

    1. malignnarc says:

      In part yes, I cannot submit to another, they must do so to me.

      1. Miss Evelyn says:

        That’s why codependent such as myself attract you, because we like to please you and will do anything it takes….I guess my question is once your supply has been depleted where do you look for more ?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Hello Miss Evelyn, yes you are correct that that is why we attract you. In terms of your question, let me ask one of you. Have you read my most recent book Chained? If not, you will find some answers there.

          1. Miss Evelyn says:

            No I have not. Are you attempting to “sell yourself to me”?

          2. malignnarc says:

            I will be more subtle if I was trying to sell myself to you. I was just looking to point you in the direction of some answers(and to save my fingers some typing – you know me, all about energy conservation!)

          3. Miss Evelyn says:

            And here I was thinking you wanted me make a deposit. πŸ˜‰

          4. malignnarc says:

            Ha ha, oh please do Miss Evelyn, please do.

  22. Nikita says:

    I still feel so sorry for the IT girl… What statue does she have??
    And this posting is for me so difficult to understand how someone can actually enjoy misery and pain 😱😱. I dont get it… I mean really really not…. At all… Clueless…
    Except for the part of watching the sun and the sky changing colors. We did that most of the summer ❀️. Me and him ❀️… It was like a must but I also enjoy that totally.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hers is just an unsculpted lump of indistinguishable marble. It is the reaction of pain that I must have. I am not interested in how you feel but what you exhibit as a consequence of what I say and do. You can show me happiness, frustration, tears or anger. Just show me emotion. That equates to fuel. Fuel is the rule.

      1. Miss Evelyn says:

        This explains why my husband says things to elicit emotion from me, yet I find when he starts belittling me, it’s as if he loses control because I’m not providing “fuel.”

        1. malignnarc says:


      2. Lisa says:

        HG who is the IT girl ?

        1. HG Tudor says:


  23. emmagc75 says:

    “I savour the misery, anger and dejection… it reminds me of my power, the hold that I have over these people” That is absolutely revolting. Anyone who likes to spread misery n pain should be put down like a rabid dog in my opinion. Just saying πŸ™‚

    1. malignnarc says:

      I’m not a rabid dog. Just saying.

      1. emmagc75 says:

        U savour misery. U think that’s not evil?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Yes it is but it does not make me rabid. I am far from rabid.

          1. emmagc75 says:

            Yes ur right. A rabid dog has no choice. U DO!

          2. malignnarc says:

            Glad we agree I am right!

          3. emmagc75 says:

            Lol yes! I realize that was an insult to rabid dogs πŸ™‚

          4. malignnarc says:

            They don’t care, they’ve been put down!

          5. emmagc75 says:

            U can’t revel in other’s misery n expect no consequences. Karma is a bitch lol.

          6. malignnarc says:

            Karma is just an invention conjured up by those who lose. It enables them to scramble for some sense of dignity and justice when they have been trounced.

          7. emmagc75 says:

            An invention? Lol Ur funny.

          8. malignnarc says:

            Funny ha ha of funny peculiar? Be careful how you answer Emma !

          9. emmagc75 says:

            Funny as in I’m choosing to think of u as misguided n having a personality disorder rather than an evil monster. Careful how I answer? Seriously? Um yeah, I don’t mean to throw down the proverbial gauntlet but I’m never usually careful or scared lol. I don’t hold back, it’s not in my nature. But if someone makes the serious error in judgement to mistake my kindness for weakness? Let’s just say it happens once k? U amuse me as I do you. I’m fascinated to see inside the mind of a narc. Just for my own curiousity. And yes I know it didn’t work out so well for the poor cat πŸ˜‰

          10. emmagc75 says:

            Dignity has nothing to do with winning or losing.

          11. malignnarc says:

            You are absolutely right. Dignity serves no purpose to me.

          12. emmagc75 says:

            Actually it does. Sometimes you seek to rob people of it. Dignity can change the world. The idea that we all have value and worth is fundamental.

      2. apocalipznow says:

        …ok Cujo

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