Promiscuity

I remember the day, or more accurately that the floodgates were opened on my promiscuity. It was when I attended a particular university for the purposes of an admission interview. It was early December and this historic and beautiful university city was lit up by orange and yellow lamps as a little mist clung to the narrow alleyways and courtyards. I had concluded my two interviews (read Fury if you want to know more about how they progressed and how one interview impacted on me) and returned to the junior common room to meet up with two other candidates. They were applying to the same college but to read a different subject to me. They were both English literature students. He was from Greenock in Scotland and she was a bookbinder’s daughter from Cambridge in England. Beer was consumed, stories swapped and the fellow from Greenock retired to his room. The bookbinder’s daughter, she was called Sarah, came back to my room and we talked before we climbed into bed together. I had a girlfriend at the time and whilst there had been dalliances with other girls I had not slept with another. That changed that night. And in the morning too. Sarah wandered away across the quadrangle to her room and I rose from my bed to seek out the bathroom. She decided to stay another day at the college because she wanted to spend time with me. I was happy for her to do so as I waited around, as was customary, in case an interview arose at another college.  The following day we both departed, she to the east and me to the west and once I alighted at the train station near to my girlfriend’s house I went straight round to see her. She was pleased to see me and embraced me with enthusiasm. I returned the enthusiasm. I had no sense of guilt at my infidelity. Nothing at all. Instead I revelled in the way I had taken Sarah to my bed and now strode into my then girlfriend’s bedroom with her asking with admiration how my interview had progressed and what the college was like.

Following that first time I never looked back. I cheated left, right and centre. With that girlfriend and with all subsequently. Why did I do it? Way back then I realised how good it made me feel but I had no understanding of why I actually did it. Something always drove me to do it. I realised that the relevant girlfriend would be upset if she knew what I had done but this never stopped me. I never gave it a second thought. Even as I was locked in an embrace with some relative stranger and an image of the girlfriend formed in my mind I felt no tug of conscience, remorse or guilt. All I knew was that I was able to seduce, pull, entice and ensnare everywhere I went. I would meet someone and always find something attractive about them – it might be the colour of their hair, the length of their legs, their accent, the way they rolled the letter r, the fact they drank with a straw or the size of their breasts. It might be their enthusiasm for a particular band, their recollections of travelling or the manicured nails. Each and everyone had some kind of attraction. I could not resist trying to ensnare someone in order to bring them under my spell. It was then that I realised what it was that really drew me to them, it was the promise of their attention. I realised I was able to get them hooked on me. I had convinced myself that I was drawn to them for some other reason but it dawned on me that I was just telling myself that as a reason. A reason that I required to explain this compelling desire to couple with someone. But that was not the real reason. The truth was that I wanted their attention on me and this was the way to get it.

Yes it was pleasant engaging in that first kiss and I enjoyed the sensations that arose when the embrace escalated but it was not what I actually I wanted. I wanted them to praise me. I wanted them to become transfixed by me and for them to shine their spotlight firmly on me.  The promiscuity has always continued and it does not matter who with it is the fact that I am able to do seduce and by so doing gather that starry-eyed admiration, those pleasing words and the attention. This engagement does not end with behaving in a promiscuous fashion. I will engage in discussions with a stranger of my own sex,at a bar, a railway platform or in a lift. I have no desire to seduce them sexually for that is not my preference but I do cause them to like me and in so doing give me that fuel that I need.

Often I feel like admitting my repeated transgressions straight away to the relevant girlfriend of the time but I have no desire to puncture my primary source of fuel by doing this. I do find it interesting how they always react with such alarm and distress on the odd occasion I do make such a confession. If I tell them how well I got on with a random male in an exchange at a bar, someone with whom I have swapped views, thoughts and opinions, I receive a smile and a comment of,

“Always good to make new friends.”

Yet an admission of coupling with a stranger results in hysteria even though to me these interactions are similar. Yes, one might yield greater fuel than the other but in terms of intimacy they are equally redundant. That is not why I do it. I do not do it because I want to savour the sensation of another’s mouth against me. I do it because I want them to give me fuel. I can understand how you may be aghast if in a normal relationship a partner behaves with infidelity but to our kind it just about the attention, the admiration, the fuel. You have such a great hang up because sex is involved. That is just the gateway device to me. If I could get the attention another way so that it provides such fuel then believe me I will do it. However, in your world, on the whole, the act of a sexual union accords a greater connection between two people which means you yield more fuel and are more inclined to keep providing it as you seek more from the liaison.

Our promiscuity arises to enable us to achieve fuel. From the new target who is seduced by us and from you should we alert you in some way (either in whole or in part) to our new interest. The condemnation that is attached to promiscuity when in a relationship means that your reaction just provides us with even more fuel. There is a risk of your supply being punctured by this revelation but it is a calculated risk and is often done when the quality of your supply generally has started to wane.

To us promiscuity when in a relationship is merely a means to an end. To you, well, you behave as if it is the end of the world. It really isn’t.

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48 thoughts on “Promiscuity”

  1. This was the ex’s biggest thing to get attention.. I only looked at his comp/phone like 3 times in 3 years..but every single one of those times, there were a few different women he was flirting (or worse), with. He found it hard to apologize too.. some clues to his narcissism, I guess… he could do no wrong. Anyway, what do you think of this; I received a hoover letter, and I have managed not to reply to it! Don’t you think my ex narc needs to perfect his skills at your course of hoovering technique? He’s lost his touch! 😃 Thanks for this post!! 🙋 it actually helps me see I do right with No Contact.

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  2. I think you hit a nerve HG :). Personally I think it is so infuriating to know that sex with us or the next one meant nothing, means nothing now and will never mean anything in the future. There is no comeback to that.

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  3. You are right that cheating is NOT the end of the world unless you spread a disgusting disease. If someone cheats on me and I find out it is the easiest way for me to say Adios!
    I know the game is fun. Knowing you can have what you want when you want, it feels fabulous BUT wouldn’t it just be more fun to control the situation, feel you can just have whom ever you want when you want and NOT cheat? There are so many ways you could modify your behavior so that you can have the life you desire WITHOUT hurting others. More like honesty, I have two friends who are very happy together. They flirt with others online and face to face… really it is almost a game to them and I find it fascinating. They will partake together. Neither cheat, if anything happens it is consensual!
    Cheating is a no no… I think of it this way…. I do like my erogenous zone to stay golden, you can’t do that if you are spreading it around even if it is honey and there are so many flies that out there who just want a taste… They are flies after all… you want the bear.

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    1. The cheating is bad enough, yes but when you are given an incurable disease by the person you trusted above all others….it’s unforgivable. They simply find a barhop who already has it and move on, leaving you permanently tarnished.

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      1. I find it to show that they don’t give a shit. He sure didn’t care about giving it to me. It only took me twenty years to understand what it was. I just thought I was dirty 🙁

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  4. The last statement brings no added value to a conversation because its unacceptable by principle in a relationship the basics is trust and to be faithful.
    I discussed this with my ex and he said something like ” I dont know why women make such a fuss its nothing more than going to buy cigarretes or brushing the teeth, just an action. I dont say its correct but just that it has no meaning”
    And another guy I went out fortunately only once to dinner same conversation and told me ” its like getting into and out of a taxi”
    Im sure by now he is probably also N kind…
    But it is exactly this issue of betraying without meaning and the idea that my relationship was nice very nice but nicely manufactured that was the beginning of the end of my last relationship. Once a lady told me that she also had met a guy which she had a very nice relationship, only positive but that he was having sex with other women. Since I dont accept this in a committed relationship I started asking myself also this, and what is real, what is manufatured and it was all to much for me as a fuel station… Anyway HG what did you pretend when communicating such nonsense to your partners? Negative fuel I suppose ??
    Is it also okay when your partner then has ocassionally sex with others? I guess for you is acceptable since its meaningless.. Isnt it?

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    1. I imagine his answer will be that it absolutely matters that we don’t cheat on them. They know for us to be intimate it would have meaning – a lot of meaning attached- and that would diminish their superiority. They don’t want another “marking” their territory.

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      1. Rather mine is cheating or not he definitely takes possession of me. I despise the words that come from his mouth in regards to ME cheating because I am not and he knows that. What is worse is the follow up of, “Good, you are mine. You have no idea what I would do to you if I ever caught you cheating.” <– Its a shame I haven't bothered to try and catch him… he has no idea I would no longer be his…

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      2. Is it really cheating when you’ve discarded and gone missing in action for weeks and I’m thinking this time you’re gone for good?! I’m still cute enough that I shan’t be lonely if I choose not to be. Plus I may learn a new trick or two making your hoovering seduction a pleasant surprise for you too. For now I choose the solitude.

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      3. Of course it is cheating. I have only had to go elsewhere for fuel because of what you have done. Is it any wonder I do this if you decide to find someone else so soon?

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      4. Meh, makes the Fuel that much sweeter for you if you think I’m conflicted and then giving into and choosing you over another.

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  5. It really isn’t?
    I had been married to my ex-husband for 5 years. He decided to start sleeping with a woman he met at a local beer joint when I was 4 months pregnant with our first child! His affair destroyed me.
    I am way past over it, but at the time it did seem like the end of the World. To this day, he calls me and flirts with me on the phone. He’s married!! I find him to be completely repulsive now.

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    1. They certainly seem to have similar patterns. Mine too went looking elsewhere when I got pregnant. He got her pregnant too, something I didn’t find out about until 10 years later. Even after I put distance between us and established as much NC as I could, I still got ‘treated’ to his boasting of each new conquest he had when he called to speak to the kids and I answered without checking the number. I was never so happy to have him finally meet a woman that expected marriage from him. so he finally stopped the 8 years of maneuvering on our divorce and signed the papers!

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  6. Possibly I have a different outlook on sex in a relationship. There is quite some debate on how men and women view sex and the emotional attachment implied by such a relationship. Most men do infact view it as a purely physical, non-emotional function. Women equate it as an emotional attachment. I’m not saying either way is necessarily the right or only way that is morally acceptable as I know a lot of women that view sex the same way as men. If it’s mutually agreed that a relationship is monogamous, then there is a problem if one partner is pursuing sexual relationships outside that relationship. If one partner expects to be able to have multiple sexual partners and the other is expected to remain monogamous then that’s not acceptable. Unless of course the other partner is fine with it. If both partners are free to pursue sexual relationships without jealousies, all the power to them. I think it’s a topic for discussion when starting a relationship so there’s no confusion later on. We discuss so many other issues when getting to know someone we are pursuing a relationship with to see how compatible we are, why not how we view sex and the expectations we have? It’s easier in the long run to know where each other stands on the issue before finding out the hard way, with feelings hurt and trust issues arising because of a lack of communication. We can’t just assume that because we feel that sex should and will be monogamous that our partner thinks so too.

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      1. Quite possibly my age showing, HG. I’m past child-bearing years -well I don’t intend to have any more children – so my views on sex are past the point of viewing it in the manner of looking to a man to ‘provide and protect woman and child’. Not that there was much of that going on with my children as I raised them myself anyway. True N sentiments of refusing to see any reason to squander resources on offspring and all that 😉
        I’ve also learned that it’s a topic that needs to be discussed as there are many types of relationships that work for other people. Who’s to judge what’s right and what’s wrong. I know what I expect and want to establish that my partner is of the same belief. Of course an N would likely say whatever I expect them to say… and many other non-N males for that matter lol

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      1. The middle is bland. We give you what you want when we seduce you. Then we take what we want. That’s only fair and look we let you go first as well. Extreme is good.

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  7. I have not ever been let go of by either narcs I have been with… they can have all they want from me… I break free, I am resilient, I rebuild myself and move on… AND I don’t know how all empaths are but yes, cheating is wrong but when someone challenges that and says that EVERYONE cheats, it is pretty much a great indication that they are NOT the sexual encounter you are interested in.

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  8. I was honest and upfront from the start ( big mistake with a narc)
    He was all I’ve been hurt before I’ve opened my heart to you please don’t break it like the others.
    I was let’s take it slow as people can change don’t be so intense. That was viewed as I don’t love him maybe its best to split up how could I say slow down. If I felt as he did there would be no doubt. He then said as long as I never cheat or wave other men in his face we will always be together he loved only me. Some projection there I’d say.
    If only I’d been wise beforehand.

    It’s such a shame because the facade he painted was such a lovely person, one I’d always be there for.

    Oh well onward and upwards.

    Been spreading the word on your blog and books again this week to another narc survivor HG 😊

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  9. Taking a much needed break from relationships, HG. The stronger I become as an independent, healthy-minded woman, they more chance I will eventually be able to find a healthy relationship down the road. Or if not, then I’ll be fine with being single and enjoying my life.

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      1. Dearest HG, you are too far away to act at all. Long distance relationships give too much freedom to the empath and we break free much easier.
        I did get to see a little more of the world while I was under the influence of an N from Sweden… mind you it was on my own dime… men jag uppfyllde några bra svenska vänner

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  10. Never caught him cheating but he gave me an std that is mainly caused by having unprotected anal sex with NUMEROUS partners. We never did anal. I was adamant about that. So he certainly was bonking some me.n

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      1. You have… but darling.. you’ve spoiled it by letting us know right away that you are an N!

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  11. With all the juicey inside information you’ve provided I’ve been upgrading and calibrating my sensors to detect even the cleverest cloaking device. When I’m satisfied that it’s truly ready I will be ready to face the world of relationships again.

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  12. Sheila and HG your banter is amusing. 😊
    As a pleasant side effect of reading interactions with responses overall today, I realize that much is revealed with people as chatter away. Perhaps I seriously need to talk less (or rather divulge less details) and listen more when meeting “newbies” or interacting with various in life, I guess helps more than I realized. Thanks for the valuable insight.

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    1. You are welcome crystalempath it is often the case that the warnings are there if you can separate them from all the fairy dust and charm being scattered around you. We certainly rely on your divulging plenty about yourself which we will use to seduce and then to hurt.

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  13. Do you like playing with dolls, women and hearts? Are you so super sexy to land so many women? Describe what you look like, so I can get an idea why this works for you.

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    1. I don’t play with dolls although I had an Action Man when I was a child so I guess that counts! Women and hearts are there to be played with. I am good looking but the reason this works so well for me is down to my skill in reading people, exhibiting charm, my skill with words and making people think they are getting what they want when really they are giving me what I want. Charisma and power are far more effective tools for manipulation than looks but looks always helpat the beginning.

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      1. “Women and hearts are there to be played with…” Spoken like a true Misogynist wouldn’t you say?

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