Money,Money,Money

Money is one of the most obvious ways in which one can demonstrate one’s power. Money provides options, it reveals opportunities and provides chances where none might have existed previously. Money equates to power and power equates to money. We have a healthy attitude to the question of money. What we create is ours. Yours is ours also. I have written previously how the successful of our kind exhibit our success and our power through the accumulation of money. It may be the creation of a successful business, the climbing of the corporate ladder into well-paid positions of responsibility and it might be the production of items and services that others require. There are of course those of our kind who have not grasped the concept that there is an unique opportunity afforded by the way that we are to be successful and in turn earn substantial amounts of money. Those of our kin who have not harnessed our special attributes in that manner are quite frankly a disappointment and they shall forever remain lesser narcs. Yes they are narcs but quite frankly they are not in my league or that of my high-achieving counterparts. I must admit to having nothing but contempt for those our kind who have failed to apply our abilities in this manner. They are letting the side down. That, however, is a topic for another day. What our less able kind and those of us who have embraced success do have in common is the unfailing ability to drain you of your financial health.

How does this manifest? Perhaps some of the following will be familiar to you?

  • Never paying for drinks and meals when out together
  • Never contributing to joint expenses and then spending a small fortune on something for ourselves
  • Borrowing money repeatedly with a convincing tale of woe attached. The money is never re-paid.
  • Taking out loans in your name which you only find about some time later when they are in default
  • Learning the house has been mortgaged to the hilt and the advanced funds have been frittered away
  • Expensive addictions to drink, drugs, prostitutes and/or gambling which we expect you to bail us out of
  • Straight forward theft
  • Failing to honour maintenance and child support arrangements
  • Selling your possessions
Why does this happen? Sometimes it is about instant gratification. We want something and we want it immediately. We have always been used to getting our own way so why should it be any different when it comes to the question of money? We do not recognise any boundary that says we should not have your money. It is in play and up for grabs. We want something and you can pay for it. This of course reinforces our control over you by seizing your finances and goods we have you beholden to what we want to do. We show that we are in control and of course we anticipate horror, howls or protest and anger when you learn of our activity. All of which is good fuel. There is also an element of retribution. We may have been denied something and this in turn offends our sense of entitlement. We feel criticised and we want to get rid of that sensation. One method is to assert our power by taking what belongs to you and using it to our benefit. Sometimes we do this an expend your financial resource in a totally excessive fashion which just wastes the money. To us however there is no waste in such a step. It underlines our importance, it affirms our power and it keeps you under out control.
The scale by which our kind engages in this sequestration of the money and assets of others can vary hugely in scale, even when perpetrated by the same person. In that vein I am reminded of the late Robert Maxwell. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the name, Maxwell was a Czech born media mogul who operated a publishing empire in the United Kingdom. He fell off his yacht in 1991 and drowned. There is little doubt that he was one of our kind – plenty has been written about the man and his behaviours which confirms that. Maxwell plundered the company pension scheme stealing hundreds of millions of pounds from the pensions of the employees leaving thousands of people in financial difficulty. There was the misappropriation of the money of others on a massive scale. Maxwell was also found on Christmas morning by his wife and children surrounded by torn wrapping paper. He had wanted to know what had been bought for the children. Rather than ask his wife, he went ahead and opened all the wrapped gifts. He did not take the gifts but he certainly trampled over a boundary and appropriated the surprise that was meant for his children. Nobody is beyond our sense of entitlement when it comes to money or assets.
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24 thoughts on “Money,Money,Money”

  1. Thankfully mine never took anything from me financially.

    But when I saw him out about 12 post NC. He offered to buy me a drink, he got called away briefly so gave me a £20 note and told me to get them and keep the change. So I did. Afterwards he mAde the biggest fuss about me not giving him his change, I just laughed about it.

    When I saw him a couple of months later, I asked if he was going to this event again, and told him, ‘if he played his cards right, id let him buy me a drink again and that I’d even go to the bar for him’

    Oh god. I even make myself laugh haha!

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  2. I did not have this at all, in fact I receive childsupport since the first day and accordingly to salary… When I am dating I dont let men pay everything for me but I did get in invited from time to time or else it was all shared although if we apply a weighting on salaries then I could feel cheated because the differences were substantial.
    My ex-husband did try to cheat the common acount we had though….
    I can say that it was with all pretty split fair in expenses and it came like that I was not fighting for it.
    Now I am thinking maybe my ex-husband did cheat the account and I did not know as I never controlled 😡😡
    I wonder how it goes for his new girlfriend who is the Head PR of a main bank.. 😁😁😁 older than him and with a higher position. But I have heard from my daughter a wonderful woman.

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  3. I know this financial strain all too well. My narc makes more than me by double, even triple and on great months quadruple. HOWEVER, I see the money pit he is. I am paying back credit cards, my retirement withdraws, IRS, overages for borrowed money because he was in the hole…all while I could be paying off balances and bringing my credit higher so we could have better things… He enjoys shopping and loves to update his wardrobe while leaving me with HIS fashion choices, which for the most part I do NOT like. I have found that having secret credit cards allows me to buy what I want and every time I receive a raise I do not tell him about it anymore. Two can play that game BUT this one will get ahead… I too like pretty things, me being that pretty thing and I will lavish myself!

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  4. Not even going to list the ways in which my ex-hubby N focused on, controlled and used money as a weapon in our marriage… and beyond.
    Thanks HG, you’re just reinforcing every reason why it’s better to be single and stay single!

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  5. Oooo yeeesss ! Another box ticked .. Ex narc is 100 % up there with you HG .. I reckon he could even give you a run for your money ! 🙂

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  6. He didn’t take my money, but he sure didn’t mind if I picked up the tab for dinner. We weren’t married, so we did not share bank accounts.
    Everything he owns is his free and clear. He doesn’t carry a loan on anything. He will work until he pays everything off.

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  7. He was cheapskate. He never wanted to go out. Insisted I order it and go pick it up or have it delivered. That was his way of ensuring he never paid a dime. All the time my expenses and utilities were increasing. When I brought it up he said, “I can show you I love you without spending a dime on you.” To which I replied,”I can show you I love you without sleeping with you.” That made him change his mind really quick. Needless to say, he created fake emergencies and siphoned money from me. When I asked for it he said, “I don’t owe you any money, you are a female dog and a gold digger. Pay yourself back what you owe you. You are so stupid and you are not getting sh*t from me.” That was the final straw . I letter came to find out through some digging that he owed 60 thousand in child support. If a man owes his own flesh and blood why should I trust him to pay me back? I consider the 2500 I lost to him in 10 weeks a life lesson and tuition spend on NARC101.

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  8. All of the above. Child support was never paid, which of course he denies. Pathetic father. And such a crack whore in those days. That loser brought prostitutes to my house to “help him” “babysit” his own daughter while I took care of my dying mother in a different province.
    I was Court ordered to deliver my daughter to the drug infested skid row of my city every Saturday morning at my expense. He became temporarily homeless for 10 years just to avoid paying cs. Narcs certainly have the upper hand since what they do is unbelievable to people like Judges who don’t have experience with the narcissist’s abuse strategies. Thanks for this HG. Very helpful.

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  9. My N spent money on me, flying to see me and a very nice gift, Dinners etc. I also spent money on shows and such. I would say it was about even in this department. I am very smart with my “fist full of dollars”. Hey wasn’t this a movie?

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  10. Thank you for the links. He has money and wanted to spend every minute with me. So in time he convinced me to quit my job because “his money was OURS and I wouldn’t need to work”. In the beginning he was extremely generous. Over time, much less so. Once only a grand suite at a hotel would do. Suddenly a more economic, standard room would suffice. During weeks long silent treatments, he would cut me off completely. Cancel my bank card and have new one sent to his office. Or, leave just pennies in account for me. This caused me to use up my savings and run up my credit cards to survive during his month long disappearances. He’d always waltz back in with gifts and monetary promises. The gifts were cheaper each round and the credit card “help” lessened. I don’t need his money now. He doesn’t yet know that. How will he react when he sees his go to means of manipulation/control is gone?

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    1. Hi Sidney, I think initially he will still rely on financial manipulation but he will increase the reward – better gifts and more money – since this is his modus operandi. Once he finds that this does not work he will look to switch to a different form of manipulation so be aware of other methods by which he might do this. I suggest, if you have not done so already, that you read Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit and Black Flag in order to heighten your awareness as to the different methodology he may well adopt once he realises that financial manipulation no longer works.

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  11. My narc would by me sexy lingerie and pay for my cab fare during our sexual encounters in the beginning. I thought that he was the sweetest guy in the world and now I realize that this was all premeditated to hustle me out of my money later on. Now he asks me for $200-$300 at a time saying he has some sort of emergency or another. I mean to say, how many emergencies can happen within a month’s time? My narc is a con artist for real. I heard him promising to take another woman who works in the office next to me on a romantic date for her birthday and then literally 5 minutes later he is texting me a sob story that he had a death in his family and nothing ever works out for him, so can he borrow $160! I told him that he should ask the other woman for the money and now he is not speaking to me. What a LOSER!!!

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    1. Hello Ollie,

      The narc regards the money as his or hers because of the sense of entitlement. Asking for it will not succeed and indeed the alleged debt (because the narcissist will ultimately deny it is owed) will be used as hook to keep gaining fuel from you (“I will pay next month” “I am waiting on a bonus I am due then I will pay”). You need to consider how much it is, whether you really need the money back, whether you will issue legal proceedings to get it back (usually the case) and whether continued interaction with the narcissist is something you can cope with. Sometimes (subject to the above points) writing it off and moving on are worth doing.

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      1. Thank you for your answer HG. I figured you would say something like that. This N ‘promised’ to pay me back with the life insurance money that his ex wife will collect when he would pass! He claims he even has it in writing. He also claims to have cancer, something I believed, but seriously doubt since he’s been ‘dying’ for 2 years now… That will explain I never met his doctors, even after offering to go with him numerous times. Clever, huh?
        Obviously I need the money, being a single mom with 2 kids… I don’t think I have any more legal battle fight in me though… I might just wait this one out..

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  12. Yes, I will and I understand. Originally he said he would pay me back within the year, which would be March 2017, but since i’m being ignored and obviously devaluated and discarded, I wanted to get it back now without pissing him off.

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