How Could You Be So Twisted?

How could you be so twisted? I gave you absolutely everything. I opened my heart to you and gave you a perfect love which is beyond compare. I let you in to my world and shared everything with you. Nothing was kept from you. I knew that you were the one, the one person who amidst all the treachery and deceit in this cruel, harsh world who would take care of me. I recognised that you would shield me and protect me from the perfidious foes that lurked seeking to destroy me. I gave you everything that I had. I poured my love into our relationship, investing in it because I knew that this time it was my soul mate who stood before me. You made me so happy because you knew what I needed. You gave me what I wanted and also what I needed and you lifted me heavenwards with that beautiful brand of love that only you can possess. Our relationship was built on the firmest of foundations and promised a glittering and marvellous future. We had so much in common. You liked what I liked and I liked what you liked. So many times I would remark to my friends that it was such serendipity that we had found one another. There is so much hurt in the world, so much darkness beyond the front door and we found one another, two shining lights that when combined we burned brightly and brilliantly.

Nobody made me feel the way you did. At times, eloquent and articulate as I am, I struggled to find the words to convey what you did for me. Your selflessness and devotion were breath-taking and naturally I reciprocated. I put you first. From the moment I rose until the moment I let slumber take me, I had you and only you in my thoughts. As our mighty empire grew around us, I planned for us both. I looked forward and constructed a happy, fulfilling and most of all loving future for us both. We had no need to look back at the past. We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence. Our brilliance was never ostentatious. Most definitely other people would look upon us and comment as to our satisfaction, but not smugness. People would remark about how happy we looked and they were genuinely delighted for us, there was no envy in their words or expressions. We had it all. We had found one another and I believed in you, I believed in us. I gave every ounce of my being to you in order to ensure that what we had did not crumble to dust. I strained every sinew, fired every synapse and poured my very essence into us. I could not have given more of myself to you. From the material to the ethereal I ensured it was all directed onto you in order to ensure you knew how deep and perfect my love for you was and is. I melded with you, combined, conjoined and became one because I knew. I knew with a certainty that I had never met before that this time, this time I had found my angel, my muse, my protector and my soul mate. Such was the treasured nature of this find that I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain that you and I remained as one. There was no hope for anything else. I could never do anything to hurt or harm you and thus spoil this most precious union. Every waking moment was dedicated to preserving our special relationship. Each word, each act and each thought revolved around the concept of us and I wanted more than any desire that I have ever known to keep us together.

Yet you destroyed that. How could you? How could you render into the dirt and ashes what we had? How could you betray me so viciously? How could you twist what we had built together so that it was no longer recognisable? A warped and corrupted image of what had been so magnificent, so perfect and what I though was so impregnable. You perverted our creation, the poison which flowed so readily and alarmed me with the speed by which you were able to summon it. The toxicity which clouded my vision, stinging my eyes, filling my nose and mouth as I choked on the malevolent fumes. Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense. There is no logic in what you did, no rationale for taking what we had and then rending it apart, pouring acid upon it so it melted into awful shapes, searing it with flame so that it bubbled, cracked and split becoming something terrible and fearsome. So many times I have asked myself why did you do this? We had the world beneath us and then for some incomprehensible reason you wrapped your hands around it and began to dismantle and destroy it. No sane individual would do this would they? Only someone sick would act this way. Someone who has something very wrong with them would let me down in this way, after giving and promising so much, to then cast it all asunder. A twisted and hateful game is what you made the concept of us become and your warped actions have exacted a severe cost to my well-being. You have tried to break and destroy me. Why did you do this after all that I have given you, after everything I have done, after all the love, affection and dedication that I have shown to you? Only someone twisted could behave this way.

Do I speak these words or am I hearing them? Perhaps I speak them as they are spoken to me as I look into the mirror? Are these my words, your words or do they belong to both of us?

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65 thoughts on “How Could You Be So Twisted?”

      1. HG
        Hello again….
        With all the dramatic phraseology those words are definitely those of the narcissist.
        I Read similar as response to me leaving once or maybe twice.
        The last time of departure was a totally different story.
        With a totally different obituary.

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  1. Amazingly put. I am NPD(aware, obviously!) and as I was reading it I got a little confused until I reached the end, as I could not work out who’s mind was speaking the words, as it goes either way, despite what the “therapists” tell the “victims” in their quest to “recover”. Love your writing style 🙂

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  2. This made me cry, it is me, then you and then us both. It is us and everyone together. Everyone who feels hurt and wounded and misguided and lost In The ways of love.
    As soon, as I read this, I immediately thought of a “poem “I wrote when I was seventeen years old. I found it now as I rummaged through boxes of old papers and binders of poetry and writings before I put them all on computer. I scoured for it, because this made me remember it. The feelings, the hurt, the same feelings that happened before and now.
    None of us are immune from the sting and the burn of love…in giving it, in receiving it, in wishing for it and awaiting its return.
    I typed out the poem, of sorts, from my childhood. To show you here. For one reason, I was never in love when I wrote it, I was in no relationship at the time. I just recall, sitting on my bed and writing. Like a conduit for the future. This poem is prophetic and timely and timeless.
    Our lives are predestined, before we even become who we are today, in our lifetime, we make choices of who we will be and in doing so, we are tasked to learn lessons of our past.
    I have been searching for the lesson I must learn, the one I failed so many times before. I have come to know it is in love, I must learn this lesson. That love tries as it will to befall me, trifle and trample me, but still I seek it. Through time, I continue to look for the one who will complete my lesson to move from this life. I actually thought it was my last relationship, my N. But, he was only an obstacle again to the true lesson. That we must bear through obstacles to reach our destination. That we can teach others to learn their life lesson and in Doing so we may reach ours as well.
    If we can see the pain, the suffering, the denial and questioning as lessons we can learn from to move on in this life and the next. To feel peace and calmness within ourselves, to refuse to hate another for the lesson we were meant to learn. To continue to give and receive love, despite the pain we feel inside. To forgive and release, hoping that perhaps enroute to fulfilling our life lesson, we can give another a clue, a chapter and a choice to theirs.
    We are who we are. We change no one, but ourselves. We can accept and learn and love as we know how. We can hold onto the things we cannot change or we can move gloriously towards our own destination.
    I am sure this may sound absurd to many. But, If it can resonate with only one person, who can see the same In themselves and then seek to learn the lesson that they were meant to learn.
    Then the healing begins.
    HG this writing truly made me think of the past, present and future.
    We are the mirrors to each other’s souls. Each and everyone of us.
    Thank you.

    Part 1 ( is love )

    Every time I close my eyes I see your face.
    You are in my dreams
    And
    In my mind always.
    I cannot erase the way you look
    And
    I do to want to forget,
    The way you feel
    The way you smell
    The way you sound.
    You are the part of my soul
    That haunts my heart.
    You make me long for another day
    Another chance
    To be beside you.
    To be held within your
    Loving gaze.
    No one else can compare to you
    And
    The feelings
    I have kept alive.
    For you.
    No one will ever touch my heart
    The way you did.
    No one will ever recapture my soul.
    While you are still earthbound.
    And
    No one,
    But you, will ever have my love,
    Again.

    Part 2 ( is not)

    Why do you still cling to the memory
    Of our past?
    I do not share your feelings
    Anymore.
    I do not keep you in my dreams
    Or in my thoughts
    Daily.
    I do not hold onto images
    That I can caress
    And
    Look upon and pretend.
    Your pictures have long faded.
    Or since been lost.
    Not unlike the feelings
    We once shared.
    I still hear your voice
    But
    Only when I choose to.
    You are like a puppet.
    A manipulation
    Of the strings I hold
    To your heart.
    You think I still care for you
    Because I want you to think
    That way.
    Because to keep you
    In my life.
    Allows me
    Someone’s adoration.
    As long as I have a hold
    Over you.
    You will always be mine.
    And you too
    Will nevr have happiness.
    This is your punishment
    For having me go away.
    Destroying
    My happiness.
    I know your loyalty
    And
    Faithfulness.
    And
    I will control it
    Because you let me.
    Why do you still love me?
    Because I won’t let you stop
    Why don’t I let you go?
    Because I am stronger then you.

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  3. I believe our mirror reflected our good onto you, and yours reflected your ‘stuff’ back onto us – we resented each other for bringing our flaws to fruition (if we got close enough to you – and Empaths do – and you bring our insecurities out, by having to protect ourselves, while we protect the ‘innocent you’)…..

    It is a love/hate relationship, the brings our core to light.

    This was a brilliant piece. – S

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      1. It was you! You made us what we were, you brought the happiness to my heart and brightness to my eyes! It was you that made me feel safe and loved being wrapped in your arms. It was you that made me feel wanted and needed when you turned to me when you were sick or having a bad day. It was you that made me happy when I would shop for you and your children never asking for anything in return, just the smile on your face that made me so happy. After we met there was no I only you!!!!

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    1. And therein lies the addiction to each other until both sides heal…Even if we maintain no contact, and time numbs some of the pain, since we know they never change, their Everpresence is always there. So how do you fully recover?

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      1. I am questioning the value of no contact for myself as well MLA ….I understand it’s intrinsic value and overall merit especially in other situations. But, for my situation, if I weigh out the losses and gains of it, I come up more on the side of knowledge then removal.

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    2. I fully agree Susan I express this concept often, that it is a two sided mirror where reflection is back and forth. Each showing the other the positives and negatives of themselves. In an attempt to reassure or model healthy behaviours and bolster the others self worth and in other cases to destroy the others self esteem. It is the idea of what I hate In You, is a reflection of myself. When the other person, shows us all the things we wish to be, but for some reason they feel they cannot be and thusly, they become resentful and destructive towards them.

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      1. The healing takes place only if the two wounded people each one has started a real healing process also on their own, or else they will end up hurting each other… My humble opinion from taken from reading RR.

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      2. I agree Nikita, he was not willing to heal and was against any type of therapy to do so. He was good to left in denial of the past that hurt him. Well stated ❤️

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  4. Your words belong to him because those were exactly the last exchanges we had. This posting made me cry and I had not cried for a while now. It made me feel again like my heart is being squeezed.
    We did have this relationship where I had done what nobody had done for him and he had made me feel like I had never felt. It was perfect … It seemed perfect very perfect.. Nevertheless I had to walk way due to fear but with my heart broken in thousand pieces, with a pain I could almost not bare but with hopes of freedom.
    To increase my sadness Afterwards came my devaluation by being called crazy, emotionally unstable, autodestructive.. Destructive . If it would have not been because I read all what I have read I would have believed I was the crazy one, sometimes I even believed it and had to go back to convinving myself I was not. I even tell myself I did not destroy our perfection because it did exist but it was never real.. I see it now, and I feel the relief of not being in that perfect world anymore.
    No matter who says these words, it hurts both parts… I believe… He never said so and I never wanted to hurt him nor anybody and its very sad that in order to protect yourself you would end up hurting yourself and the other one.
    my pain was real very real
    HG tell me please. If these would be your words, would you speak out of sadness or out of a broken ego.
    I hope the last.

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      1. HG
        I am very grateful to you for all you have written and given.
        It’s a Universe win-win situation.
        You get. We get.
        Your writings on hoovering are particularly appropriate at this point in time. She tried it on LinkedIn last night.
        The only social media I had not blocked her on.
        Your comments on hoovering immediately Sprung to mind.
        I know this is slightly off topic but I wanted to thank you and if I may be so presumptious I would like to thank you as a friend.
        Mike.

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      2. Hello Mike, I just tell you how it is. It is not comfortable to read but it is the best way of conveying why we do as we do and why we say the things we say. I leave it to you to decide what to do with it although I am always grateful when people such as yourself thank me for what I have written. Yes, we will always find a way of getting a message to you when we Hoover and as you have found in your case it is through LinkedIn. Did you resist her overture? What sprang into your mind when she reached out to you other than knowing this was a Hoover, how did you feel?

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      3. HG.
        Thanks for your response b
        I actually felt more uncomfortable with your question than her connect request. Which shows my intuition is working well on my behalf.
        I will tell you how I felt for your benefit and mine also.
        It was a feeling of relief, release and humour. See, no thinking words there.
        My thoughts were “she has grown her hair, why did I ever perceive her as so beautiful” nothing of any depth or weight.
        Now my thoughts are she must be struggling in whatever relationship occupies her at this moment.
        My feelings are many this morning. I want to say “good” but that doesn’t do any sort of justice to the emotions. Ah, I feel vindicated and a little smug today.
        Did I respond or accept her request?
        Of course not HG.

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      4. On LinkedIn 😱😱😱😱 how unprofessional !!!! 😂😂
        Hang in there Mike!! Lots of forces.
        This blog helps alot not to fall for hoover.
        Enjoy the weekend.

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      5. Oh yes Nikita!! Incredibly unprofessional….
        Thanks for your kind words but as I have posted elsewhere I am ok with it all. Worked on myself for last eight months solid. Boy am I getting the results now.
        Life is very very good.
        Thank you again.
        Mike

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      6. Hi Mike
        Actually it was a joke 😂😂😂. I try always to make good and funny out of the bad as life is too short to be stuck in problems. Im glad its going well for you and yes its a relief when you get out of a toxic relationship. I was 14 years married to one and I still remember the relief when he moved out.

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      7. Thanksfor your answer. So no pain. Its good to know. And your answers does relate to what happened.
        I did sense anger although he never ever showed it really. I could only know he was angry because amazingly his eyes chamged of color. It was like watching those lamps that project colors on the wall. This combined with pressing his lips together very hard for 2 seconds and inhaling. That were all the signs of anger I saw from him. In fact even a friend of mine noticed this. We went out the 3 of us and I forgot something at the restaurant and then when I looked at him
        His eyes went from light blue to dark blue to greenish or something like that. But not one angry word or gesticulation.
        Then my friend commented. ” I think he was very angry nikita, I think I saw lightning in his eyes” i said nothing…
        But when he would forget something it would be funny of course.
        Anyway I met him once after separation A month of separation and I did see the chamge of color…
        And sadly enough, my life with him had been so perfect. He was even looking for feedback ” do you see how much I love you all what I do for you” , do you feel how great this is?, ( fuel fuel isnt it) that I only saw the lack of love for me during Hoover. There everything became clear.
        During hoover he went back to all our special places and took pictures and sent them to me. Made a trail of his footsteps up our mountain and sent me the pictures. Wrote long messages on our best memories…. Everything possible to break my heart more and more. This was slowly destroying me.
        Today I am convinced he knew it and this was the real intention and not to hoover.
        Because when I told him “please stop this, its too painful” he continued and continued and even through ways he had never used like to comminicate with me like my working email and questions like ” why did you destroy all this” what we had was unique. “We cant afford to loose this” , its all happening because of your emotional unstability and the destruction mode you have gotten into….
        😖😖😭 … i stop now. I had moved on until I read this post.
        This book of love has opened for me other horizons and days. ❤️🌸

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    1. Nikita I explained to HG elsewhere that during my D&D I agreed and actually initiated a breakup via text (his favorite mode of communication) and he ignored it. lol. I was SO MAD that we began to argue and I said “I CANT EVEN BREAK UP WITH YOU LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!!” He snickered and said “You call that a breakup?”

      He proceeded to say things like I am a Dark Soul, that Im not here to fix him, called me “Mom” a couple times (bc I told him he has no consideration to answer my calls in a reasonable time…he stated his Mom didnt expect that of him, why did I?)

      Also….I gave him gifts and things in exchange for sex….No man could ever want me bc Im crazy…my ex and everyone else RAN bc of me…and that Ill thank him for this one day.

      The insults were being flung well AFTER he took the reign in then telling ME that WE didnt work anymore, and if I take a CLOSE look at the ending I would clearly see that I was to blame (I asked him not to disappear when I called…he said that he knew where he was so he didnt disappear – LMAO I HAVE TO LAUGH at this bc it truly is funny when looking back)

      The pain is so real. But I dont care what any NPD says if his SECURE LINE of source is done…even if HE intiated D&D (New hiney) she will have needs soon enough…and he will come back as always…its not a compliment..It is an absolute INSULT…

      I make 4 times his salary, own a home, no children, and quite attractive for my age. I am witty funny sarcastic at times, and have a good time. He made me believe I was utterly PLAIN.

      Yet. His life is a shambles covered in charm. His exs all speak ill of him (except the stripper…she thinks he’s lovely…shocking)

      So much pain they cause it is almost enough for you to NOT believe in love as much as they do NOT (hopeless romantics, they are :))

      But in the end….we too, are to learn a lesson. Empathetic souls are not bred for reality. It is a cold world, and we met the coldest of the bunch. It’s not fair, and we can cry and beg for closure. But for me. Victim stories, meeting people who have exs that sound interchangeable…and here…even HG, has brought this closure that is unexplainable. His explanations don’t stem from Victim Pain…it stems from his view of the world and of us…He is a reason for all victims to read…He is closure, because he is the MIND and SOUL we spent YEARS on trying to figure out and change (let’s be honest with ourselves…we wanted to be HIS heroine)….

      Im thankful. I still believe in God and people. And though I cant say I wish my Ex the best, I am fully aware that the world and universe have a way of making life clear for you, me, and our Exs who tried to change us into what we cannot be…but gave us alittle of what to look out for…for that Im thankful. My rose colored glasses are now bronze 🙂

      -S

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      1. Very well put Susan and I like the reference to rose coloured glasses becoming bronze. Mind you, you might want to put your sunglasses on something golden and bright is coming along…..

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      2. I do hope so, HG. Everything else in my life is quite perfect, as I was raised to be……Love life? Eh….Somewhat of a Trainwreck…. I know how to pick em! 🙂 lol Happy Weekend to you. – S

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      3. Thanks again Susan. I read some postings from your blog. Amazing. I will recommend ” the aftermath” to somebody of this blog.
        What you say is right. HG brings closure. In fact this blog triggered mine. I became very fearful of what my relationship could end up being. The postings of the yatch and the garden always stayed in my mind. I think I will never forget the days I read them. Its so well and perfectly written that you can see reality and apply it to your own life.
        I changed my glasses too. 😎😎

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  5. Two sides of the same coin, one benovelent and the other malevolent.

    Of course it was you, your energy searing into my bones and piercing my heart is unmistakable.

    I want to understand how you feel these things…asking why when you clearly state you know you’re a fraud. Are there parts of your brain that don’t talk to each other?

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  6. Bethany – projection is used often because Malignant Narcissists can’t comprehend feelings fully. They know rage – anger – or flat emotions. Happiness and love are manufactured. Happiness is real for them, but it’s different than ours. It’s adrenaline rushes. This is why targets are chosen – the high they receive feel like love at first sight EVERY TIME.

    Repetition is very boring for them. What is normal and healthy love to many, is boring and annoying to them.

    There have been times where my ExN and I would have a GREAT NIGHT…and the next day he’d go ‘MIA’ as I’d call it. It wasn’t so much the ‘me’ in the equation – the intimacy of fun and love….it was the fact that he was laughing bc it was just fun. It could be ANYONE.

    They do not process happiness and kindness the way we do. A Malignant Narc loves to be adored. So for example, he helps a kitten out of a tree for a crying child. He isn’t truly doing it for the kitten’s life or the child’s happiness. He is doing it because it makes him look like a Hero. A Star. He can just as easily see YOU, his partner, crying over the same kitten in a tree that you want down, but because you won’t view him as a Hero vs a Man performing an ‘obliged boyfriend duty’ it’s not important to him.

    We as the Abused are as you said, the benevolent. He is also benevolent, temporarily, for the praise. Not because he feels ‘warm and fuzzy’. He can’t help it with who he is CLOSE to. We OWE them our adoration be DEFAULT, and when we choose to see the ‘comfort’ in ‘us’ is when turbulence begins.

    They cannot stand that what we see as comfortable and ‘regular’ is to ALWAYS AND FOREVER be viewed as Heroic and treasured.

    Hence, why he always needs various women. He simply has to do this because deep within, he knows he can’t feel what everyone does. He inwardly despises it – and for brief moments know that he ought not to behave this way. But this is quickly brushed away.

    My ExN during discard would say SCATHING and horrible things without needing to. He’d say “You weren’t born to save me” or “You never REALLY thought we’d settle down….did you?” 6 yrs later.

    They say things on a whim. They sabotage their own safety – because like us, they too had something in the past happen as we did (noone in a LTR w/aNPD can EVER SAY THAT THEY WERENT DAMAGED EARLY ON…Its not possible) they will always ensure to lay the hurt on last, to avoid any harm from EVER happening to them again.

    They just refuse to face it. Empaths/CoDs(If they realize they are CoD) will face the fact that they were damaged VERY EARLY ON.

    Not Narcs. Nope. Life was picture perfect. And Mom was a Superstar (though stories of her have surfaced from other places and it doesnt seem to be the postcard painted)

    Its fragility. We somehow, decided to take an alternate route. We shut ourselves down to healthy bc we too, know broken. Hence we gravitate to each other. And the Empath winds up damaged. The NPD will only see their damage when they are old. Because he would have pushed true love away – not only from partners. But also their family (most never say a word to them – only enable their behavior instead of pleading for them to look in a mirror)

    Wow. I digressed. He knows. They know. They just can’t help it – even why they try it is shortlived. Love is mundane and tedious.

    New skirts are a great driving force for them. That’s why they hoover so much. Some get away. They know who they should keep. But even they eventually disappear…..and in the end…unless they realize what they are destroying can they ever see a fulfilling life. It’s up to them, as much as it is us, to face what scares us both – the truth….

    -S

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      1. Nikita my Father is a Malignant Narcissist. He was surrounded by ‘fans’ his entire life. His story was built from Charm and a great set of lungs. He’s a wonderful talker. Party-thrower, and had many homes, boats, businesses. He also had us – 3 girls and a Mother (they are from E. Europe, so it’s ‘normal’ to be sumbissive to your husband…acceptable, really) – as we grew my father cheated more openly. My mother would cry all of the time, to us. Not realizing the pain it was causing. And shed always take him back.

        Great Narc example: When he finally met ‘the one’ (he professes he NEVER cheated on this one) they had a daughter while he was still married (he told her he was separated – essentially they were – he built businesses in another state so he was alsways gone). When my mother found out she had a nervous breakdown. My Father told her to shut up and stop crying, and she should feel honored (yes, honored) bc his daughter was born on the same day as my Mom’s birthday. He told her, “See? You are an Angel, that a daughter was sent here – born on the same day as you” – Can you imagine?

        He naturually cut ties with us, as we were pawns as well. 20 yrs later (in a nutshell) He lost ALL of his businesses. She left him years ago took the children (they had 2) and disappeared. Noone quite knows what motivated her (tho he states its because she was a golddigger)

        And he began calling us again….My sisters would feel bad and send him money THousands. He stayed at my home for a few weeks, and we drank outside. He started to tell me about HIS childhood (I was feeling quite flat to his appearance at my home but entertained him nonetheless) and he began to CRY.he said that his Parents were very cruel to him…..stopped crying…and then said ‘that’s just how it was there’ and changed the subject. He ventrued to my other sister’s house stayed a few weeks and left. Noone really wanted to see him, we were all confused as to WHY after near 20 yrs he came back?

        I call N’s living in ‘dog years’ because I notice in my experience they have no concept of how time can hurt and heal. People move on. THey dont forget the bridges burned. He believed there was no bridge between us, because we were his children – Property. Children are NO different than the women in his life. In small ways, but not much.

        So he is alone. Broke. Asked my sister for MORE money. And we all spoke about it and said “If Mom didnt work for 30 years (he didnt let her work) why cant HE work?” We figured it out. He didnt feel he should have to. And my sisters stopped giving money.

        He has noone. I dont even know if he is alive right now. And suffice to say, if he dies, we’ve all discussed that if it must be our responsibility we will cremate him and scatter him in the ocean. He destroyed our lives. Luckily we have a few ‘go-getter’ genes from him and work hard and are successful in our own right.

        He failed his closest. They all do. It’s sad that he never saw it. He rather blamed everyone saying if he were still a millionaire this wouldn’t be happening…lol..laughable.

        They all wind up alone unless they aren’t as Malign as he…….but if you can ignore and berate your own children….God has his plan before their departure from earth…

        Blessings
        -S

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    1. Susan I just read some of your posts im your blog. Brilliant for recovery.
      I have never had soooo bad experiences with an N and like I told you, my dad ❤️, hard to imagine him on what you describe. I cant imagine him wanting to kill somebody, i suppose not all are the same and there is a spectrum… but I do believe every word written in your blog. Below somebody writes that in HGs posting you can feel the pain of the N. That was also my impression from reading and from experience but it seems there is no pain according to HGs answer and your writtiings,Its either no feeling or rage it seems. Somehow its a relieving…i dont know why but that is how it feels.

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      1. My ExN cried a couple of times in front of me after hurting me. He’d never say why….I believe that while crying he would think of something in his past and cry for himself. They know sadness but transfer it into anger or just finding ‘fuel’ as HG calls it to forget. Women are like shots of alcohol. We numb their pain. They are addicts. HG knows pain I imagine. Remember too that Narcs are Narcs…..so it’s OK not to admit everything. Not bc they don’t choose to – but bc many deny it exists. Much like love. – S

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      2. Hi Susan. I agree with you. I once told HG that narcs know pain … Ive seen it too many times and like now he insisted that he felt only anger, hate and envy.
        I never wanted to hurt my X 😭😭 but I was caught in thr middle of the sword and the wall.. Leaving in a state of fear because I knew what he was because in the beg of the relationship he was critical etc and then 8 left and them we came back and he had totally changed and then we had the ” perfect” relationship. From the devils kit I did learn one manipulation technique I had not noticed but else all was perfect. I had the time of my life, we had so much fun. All flowed automatically in a perfect harmony so we were both getting what we wanted until I discovered this blog. My fear did have an effect on the quality of the fuel ( sounds crazy) I was delivering and then once that it really happened I escaped.
        It would have anyway ended bad so I try to convince myself when I think I could have caused him pain.
        Its sad what you say about your father but its true he was not such a good dad.
        Mine was the contrary. He always told me We 3 were his life and so he did but in an emotionally intermittent way.
        But in help and money he was always very giving always. And emotionally in an intermittent way.
        I sort of see why you separated your dad from your life.
        Hugs

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  7. This is an incredible piece of writing. It burns with fury and the pain of rejection. Anyone with a soul reading this will realize that inside every narcissist, no matter how malignant, dwells an ocean of hurt. Who is the abused? Who is the abuser? This post makes you wonder, momentarily.

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      1. Sorry to jump on again, but I withdraw my statement about who is saying these words?
        It really could be either!
        I see that now.
        What a great thread.
        Thanks to all.

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      1. Yes you are right. It’s all a play on words.
        It’s all about words.
        I really appreciate what you are teaching me here.
        Or my perception of your teachings.

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  8. On reading this wonderful piece again today HG, I see this post as ME! I said these words sooo many times, well I didn’t actually say them but screamed them. I had a very covert ex partner who was so clever at knowing just where and when to shoot a dart. Nobody in the same room would ever have seen it but me. But by god, they all heard me. Covert I was not. It is me. Trying to evidence the ‘how can you say that I don’t love you – look what I have given you’ Oh how sick it makes me feel now when I read it. I played right into the hands of the devil and I was a puppet. She pulled the strings and I danced and oh how I danced. I am codependent but a very lopsided one. I am very strong on some points where others are not but totally devoid boundaries. When she did her string pulling, it made me feel that the bond that I thought I had with her had broken. She would withdraw emotionally and the feeling of this would send ice to the depths of my soul. The ‘bond’ that I crave and need was what sent me insane. The more I screamed abuse, the more she sat and smiled and recorded the out pouring of my pain (anger) on her phone – just to show her friends and family the ‘nutcase’ that she lived with. Me – well I could not even explain to a therapist that I saw at the time, what it was she actually did, she was so covert. Shit, what a mess of 13 sorry years. You make me see it all so clear HG and I thank you.

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  9. H G….Both in my experience.
    Not initially, but in certain relationships…It came to this.
    If we stayed “together” long enough and especially have such relationships that come together at a young age, we experience such feelings and hear such words from each other throughout the “dance” known as our relationship. such desperation, conditioning and manipulation occurs. Both variations of intentional and unintentionally painful expression of emotions are administered.

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  10. This thread just gets better.
    I did not have to “hang in there” yesterday over the LinkedIn request.
    But I am grateful for the kind words on here.
    After reading half on HG’s book on no contact I gave my phone to a good friend to go on her profile and block her. HG wrote to give them no fuel whatsoever even via thoughts or checking up on them. Or words to that effect. This helped me greatly and the timing was perfect.
    Maybe we are both Gods eh HG?!!
    I am incredibly at peace today.
    Going to finish the rest of the No Contact book.
    Today is another good day.
    Mike.

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