Withdrawal Simpletons

People always struggle with loss. It might be at the top of the scale where you have suffered a bereavement and lost a well-loved family member. It could be the loss of your home where you have lived for twenty years, owing to damage or repossession. It may be the loss of your job, a loss of good health all the way down to something far less important but a loss never the same, of your favourite restaurant when it closes or your daily caffeine injection from a coffee shop because you are economising. Take something away from someone and they will experience sadness, frustration, upset, anger and sometimes confusion. Since people are governed by emotions rather than cool, hard logic, the loss of something often has a devastating and traumatic effect, especially in respect of major losses such as a spouse or partner. Once uponΒ  a time your parents seemed as if they would live forever. They were always there. They raised you, guided you and supported you. They let you find your own way through life but if ever you needed them they were always there to listen and help and then one day you find they have gone and you are left with a huge black hole in your life. Your best friend who you have known for over twenty-five years was a huge part of your life. You spoke daily, laughed about your younger selves and the scrapes you got into, supported one another and cruised through life like the dynamic duo until they have gone and you feel a massive void since their departure to the next life or another continent, dependent on the circumstances. Remove something from a person’s life and they are left with hurt, despondency and despair. This is all the more so when it is something or someone wonderful and delightful. Then the emptiness becomes a howling wilderness.

Of course we are fully aware of how loss affects people from our repeated study of people. We also know that being able to gift someone something wonderful and then remove it, is a sign of considerable power. A power that can be wielded with considerable effects. The power of withdrawal,even if just threatened, can bring about an extreme reaction in the subject. This is something we are fully aware of and something which we take advantage of.

We gave you everything in the beginning. We provided you with a love beyond compare, a dizzying array of compliments, a barrage of desire and a tsunami of flattery. We raised you up, higher and higher and sprayed you with affection, passion and generosity. The light was bright, warm and golden and we let it shine every day just for you. We allowed you to bask in this golden period of utter ecstasy and in return you gave us everything that you had in pursuit of the maintenance of this golden period. Without warning we withdrew it. The door was closed and the shutters lowered and once where you had walked happily and freely you too found yourself transported to the howling wilderness where you stood alone beneath grey, leaden skies as a cold and unforgiving wind whipped around you. It felt like someone had died.

Whereas once we uttered such sweet, sweet words to you, there is now only silence. The reassuring embrace of our arms and lips has somehow vanished and you feel stripped and vulnerable. All of the places we took you to and shared seem so distant and you begin to wonder whether they really happened. Alone and distraught,you wander this wilderness searching for us. Occasionally you catch a glimpse of us but in an instant we have disappeared as you stumble along. The kindness has been removed. The long nights of sexual congress which went beyond anything you have experienced before has been taken away, leaving your bed a cold,hard slab where rest is to be endured rather than enjoyed. If we even grace you with our presence in that place where we once coupled each and every night, a writhing mass of limbs and mouths that explored and pleasured, all you know now is our back which is defiantly presented to you each night. That’s if we even come to bed at all. The spare room or the sofa seem to attract us more than you these days.

We know that taking away this passion, desire, interest, largesse and kindness is like a hammer blow. It is as if we have died but yet you can still see us, touch us and hear us which makes the sense of loss even greater and all the more confusing. Like a pet-owner dangling a bone in front of a salivating puppy, we occasionally open the shutters and allow the golden period to return and the joy and the relief which washes over you at the restoration of his oh most glorious time is electrifying and so is the extent of your gratitude and delight. Yet it is ephemeral. It is like a wonderful dream that has transported you away from all the hurt and misery, but just like a dream when you open your eyes in the morning, it has gone.

The power that comes with withdrawal and your predictable reaction to it, mean that it is a method of manipulation that cannot be ignored. To bestow and then deny has you caught in the strings of our puppetry as we jerk you back and forth between granting those things that you desire the most and then taking them away from you. Your reactions and the control this grants us means that it is so simple yet so effective and something we can never withdraw from doing.

67 thoughts on “Withdrawal Simpletons

  1. nikitalondon says:

    You have to do a risk management assesment there HG 😘

    1. malignnarc says:

      Ha ha, I am not the one at risk

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Of course I tend to forget you are the master!

  2. Angel says:

    Withdrawl is not just our burden to bear. You and your kind face it too… when the one u feed off of sees the truth and refuses to be chattel lead to the slaughter. I have witnessed it… the denial that washes over; how could us lesser beings deny you? How can we walk away and wash our hands completely clean despite your protests and promises of change? Withdrawl is something you fear too vampire. Remember- without us, u cease to thrive.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Very much the case Angel, fortunately for us there are plenty of you on which we thrive.

      1. So Sad says:

        HG have you given any thought to the day when you wake up & have run out of supplies? when your old & your looks have gone ? when you can’t be the passionate lover you are now ? .
        What if you develop an illness which incapacitates you or have a stroke & left unable to speak or look after yourself ? Do you think about it ? It can/does happen. .. How will you cope ?

        Just a thought as those were the last words I ever said to ex N .

        1. malignnarc says:

          I do not think about those things as I will not run out of supply. When I am old my looks will hold in a distinguished manner (I look to my grandfather in that regard for confirmation). My intelligence, humour and wit shall remain and will more than compensate for any weakness of the flesh which may hinder my passion. Indeed, as I age any of the targets will be older too and the allure of sexual congress is used less and other hooks come to the fore.
          Illness and infirmity are not matters which concern me. Nor will they.
          What was the reply of your ex? If any?

          1. nikitalondon says:

            Yes what HG says is true. My dad like you was intelligent, funny, interesting, what you want and at 71 he still had lots of supply from women, lots, who adored him. And even as 10 or 15 years younger than him… Young or mature supply for aged men will never extinguish… But its tricky.., could be not enough. But sometimes it is…. I have seen all cases.

          2. So Sad says:

            Thanks again for replying HG it does mean a lot to me .

            Narc never replied but It felt good saying it even if it ment nothing to him .
            I’m sensing you’ve found a new supply recently .. πŸ™‚

          3. malignnarc says:

            You are welcome. There are many fuel lines which lead to HG.

          4. So Sad says:

            Naturally … HG ..

          5. mlaclarece says:

            With all the little mice leading to the Big Cheese!

      2. alexis2015s says:

        God damn it !!

  3. Freedom says:

    I’m having a downer at the min tiki also want to punch my ex narc so hard he feels pain.

    Not the act if an empath is it.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Freedom, no it’s not but it is understandable and of course all good fuel.

      1. Freedom says:

        I know know that my ex narc in the beginning of our dance when I asked to take things slowly he got very dramatic. He was saying things like how could you do this to me, after all you’ve said, I let you in and you crush me with those few words.
        He was manipulating my empathic nature and was worried his fuel supply was about develop a massive crack in its supply pipe.

    2. So Sad says:

      I feel your pain Freedom . I’m feeling very much that way at the moment .. What I wouldn’t give to smash it’s face in & tell him what I know .To shout to the whole world what he did to me, but as HG so rightly points out it’s all fuel for the Bas%%%ds . It always seems a win win for them .. (( Hugs))

      1. Freedom says:

        I so want to shout it to the world so sad. I’ve never felt such anger or venom within me.
        It would be fuel to him if he knew I don’t have contact with anyone who knows him now. I never post anything on FB either so if he’s looking it looks like I’m fine.

        Big hugs Sao sad

        1. So Sad says:

          I understand exactly where your coming from Freedom . I really DO .

          This probably sounds a little bit crazy but sometimes I go out for a drive & shout at him at the top of my voice .. Scream & yell all the things I want to say to his face , to his family & friends the people who still think he’s Mr blooming perfect . It makes me feel a little bit better temporarily ..

          As for FB he’s blocked along with the many AEs I knew he had . Like you I post nothing public not even a profile picture. He can carry stalking me all he likes there’s nothing to see .

          Your doing good Freedom πŸ™‚ Well done! Stay strong . We are & ALWAYS will be better people . Much Love xx

          1. Freedom says:

            Thanks so sad I may take a leaf out if your book go for a drive and do some shouting see if it helps.

            I know we will always be the better people but I will always struggle the injustice of it all. Lots of love x

          2. So Sad says:

            Yes give it a go Freedom . πŸ™‚

            The injustice if at all . I know that well too . He must have seriously assaulted me i guess around 40 times & literally smashed up everything in my house .
            The police were called dozens of times & he still talked his way out of a conviction . It all seems so unfair , but I live in hope that the woman he’s with now sees him for what he really is .For me that would be closure .

            We can keep chatting on here & support each other. Always here for you Freedom . (( hugs)) xx

          3. Freedom says:

            Thanks so sad here for you to. I had the violence etc with my ex husband but my last ex narc has just been all emotional damage, the emotional side is far worse for me. X

  4. Castiel says:

    Pain seared after reading your post HG …today, for some reason he was so in my head and I felt the loss of him more than I have recently…not a good day.

    1. Christine says:

      I feel the pain severely today , hope you feel better Castiel than in March – withdrawal post – and great support freedom – so sad . Love reading your comments – Clarece , nikita. , Alexis , t , Sheila .
      Any tips on healing would be greatly appreciated xx
      Your blogs are greatly appreciated HG 😘

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are welcome Christine.

      2. Freedom says:

        Some days we all have relapses, it’s how they’ve programmed us, let yourself grieve and heal. Reading HGs blogs helped & knowing I wasn’t alone in this whirlwind of abuse.

        Take care Christine and stay strong x

      3. Only saw this by chance Christine.

        Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep doing the things you loved pre N. It will feel empty for a while. But eventually your feelings will return.

        Read as much as you can about Ns to regain the power. It’s the only way to get closure. You have the power to get the closure yourself. You think the N is the one who does. Well he does, but he won’t. So you have to take that power back.

        They say an N is like the human form of heroin, so treat it like giving up an addiction.

        Read about trauma bonds

        Keep smiling and speak as though you feel confident even though you may not inside. When we smile we release endorphins and The human body cannot distinguish between a fake smile or a real one so keep faking it until you make it and likewise with the confidence thing.

        Delete any means of him being able to contact you, so you are not waiting for a text. Get rid of anything that reminds you of him.

        Sorry in a bit of a rush and wanted to send as many pointers as possible.

        Big hug and love – you will return to the person you were before and become stronger

        Just keep going.

        Lots of bad days in the beginning with the odd good day. Sooner or later the good days become more and more frequent and the small set backs become easier to cope with

        Higs and love xxxx

      4. Castiel says:

        Hi Christine

        Thank you. Life is so much calmer. He’s not in my head like he was…I don’t feel tortured anymore. I can breathe without the pain in my chest.

        HG’s blogs really helped…reading everyone’s responses were like imaginary support cables. I got to the point where I realised I was so much more than the person I had become; that my life was drifting by and my mind was in an abyss. I didn’t want to continue living like that!

        All of a sudden Christine I ‘woke’ up…I didn’t feel pain anymore and I really did not care what he did anymore. I was unaffected…it’s very freeing…I realised I was moving forward when I did not need to saturate myself with stuff about narcissism…

        Stay strong…you will wax and wane in and out of feeling okay and feeling lost and desperate…but it will get better. X

        Take good care on your journey of recovery ❀

      5. mlaclarece says:

        Hi Christine! I was very touched to be included with that group of women whose comments help / comfort you. Thank you!
        I, myself, actually had a very sad day yesterday too. (Insert plug to HG nailing it every single time he says my Narc will only now do malign hoovers to punish me. Never gets it wrong. It’s like he’s a genius or something πŸ˜‰).
        An interesting concept I heard a few months ago was that of complimentary projection. H.G. explains a lot of the blame shifting and projection that Narcs do. But complimentary projection is transferring how you would react or handle a situation and expect the other person to rise up to that (i.e. not lie, not hide things, not cheat). The adage of treat others how you want to be treated cannot apply to them. So I am trying to just listen to my intuition and behave to my internal moral compass and if others don’t rise up to it, that’s a mindset I don’t want to mix with beyond acquaintance level. This has really helped me in my healing. Maybe that will make sense to you.
        I still have sad days, but not to the level of feeling despondent. It’s like crashing waves. One day you’ll just notice the waves still come, but not as hard and spaced fewer between. And by then, hopefully when you feel that coming you will have established your support network or activities to occupy you to make it pass quicker.
        Planning a trip with my daughter and cousin to Disney World this fall. Not sure how I’ll pay for the whole trip, but just had to say F*ck it, because it’s sure been fun planning it out and having that to look forward to. And it’s good for the soul to surround yourself with people who actually enjoy your company. It makes me now think how many fun times he’s losing out on, not including me in his life.
        Sending peace and love!

  5. Sheila says:

    The withdrawal from R during the death of my younger cousin and then followed by the death of my step-father 6 weeks later was a pivotal point for our relationship. I stopped turning to him for any sort of comfort, as it wasn’t something he was capable of. I stopped turning to him for anything and slowly began doing things on my own, without his approval. Which I’m sure made him angry and lowered his fuel levels considerably. I let him rant and rave, but it had no effect on me other then to spur me on to continue doing as I pleased and became solely focused on my daughter and animal rescue.
    Not a very considerate and nurturing empath, was I?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Seizing the power there Sheila.

      1. Sheila says:

        Had I seized the power a little more, perhaps he’d been out the door sooner with less time to abuse my daughter behind my back.

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Ohhj Sheila… Hugs

          1. Sheila says:

            That was one of the reasons I’m having a hard time letting go of guilt. Nikita. Hugs

  6. T. says:

    What I will never understand is how love can switch to hate on a dime with N’s! I was dumped via text message and then given a 6 week long silent treatment because I wanted to go to the movies and he didn’t! There were other problems..his recent unemployment and other stuff…but the movie thing is what set it all off! I felt sucker punched! I never expected him to go nuclear on me and lose all love for me because of that?! A “normal” breakup is so much more normal…if that makes any sense? You don’t end up feeling at fault, hated, less of a woman, or crazy….

    1. malignnarc says:

      It is all because of fuel. We are streamlined and designed to gather fuel. Protracted break-ups, a quagmire of feelings and such like hamper the gathering of fuel. We have to be free of those things so we can move onwards and upwards.

      1. T. says:

        ..but he isn’t moving onwards or upwards…..not when he is still worried about what I am doing. Had he found quality supply,….he wouldn’t still have an active dating profile up (he’s not the type to have more than one woman besides his mother in his life–trust me!) and he wouldn’t be hacking into my facebook and email accounts…I have a feeling his family is taking the brunt of his abuse…..his brother is his favorite whipping boy…..

    2. So Sad says:

      I understand what you’re saying T .

      Narc slept with me, let me cook breakfast , waved bye and within an hour after he left posted his new relationship status on fackebook xx

      1. alexis2015s says:

        That’s awful so sad ! Big, huge, massive cyber hug to you xx

        1. So Sad says:

          Thank you alexis πŸ™‚

          I always knew it would happen eventually because of the way he treated me but it was still a bolt out of the blue.

          He’d been giving me longer periods of silent treatment & using it to idealize his new target. Once he’d secured her supply his abuse of me went off the scale .. I was just there to be abused nothing else .
          Until I found this blog I couldn’t understand why he still hung around for more than a year but I was there for the negative fuel . And people wonder why were emotionally messed up!! x

          (( hugs)) back .

          1. alexis2015s says:

            So sad, it sounds awful. I’m so pleased you’re finally free and coming to understand what happened. I was very fortunate that mine was short lived. I couldn’t beleive how bad he made me feel in that amount of time. They penetrate so deeply. For me, I’m actually grateful of the experience now. I’ve learned so much and it’s made me stronger. It makes me sad though when I see / hear of others stuck in such a cycle for years and years with one or more Ns. It’s tragic.

            One day I plan to help people who have been though this. I haven’t decided how yet ? But for now I’m finding out as much as I can.

            You’re doing great !! Keep putting one foot in front of the other ! Xx

      2. T. says:

        I am so sorry, So Sad……*hugs*

        1. So Sad says:

          Thank you T .. Right back at you (( hugs)) x

    3. mlaclarece says:

      Exactly! Many of my silent treatments generated by my asking for positive things one would expect in a relationship. All while staying doting and positive and complimentary. Which would be the positive fuel they crave with someone adoring them. Nope! Can always count on mine going M.I.A. for something like that. For example, I bought tickets for us to go to a White Sox game (a special tribute to Paul Konerko for that one). He blew it off! What guy chooses to blow off a sporting event for a date? So I completely get where you’re coming from. When I’ve given a silent treatment to someone it’s been in follow-up to deceitful, or scary behavior and I completely want that person cut out of my life for good. I don’t resurface in 4 weeks and send cutesy texts to check in and pretend nothing has happened.
      Yes, T, I too have been on the receiving end of feeling crazy, hated, and devalued for seemingly good things!

      1. T. says:

        Mla, I think once they decided to devalue us….we can do nothing right. During the golden period…I could do nothing wrong.
        It sounds like your ex wanted to see you jump through hoops from him just so he could act unimpressed by it…. You are better off without him!*hugs*
        I would have accepted the breakup immediately had my ex did it the right way. Face to face or at least over the phone. However, over a text after 2 days of silence and then refusing to speak with me was just soul crushing. I thought we were in love….we had plans to marry and have a life together.
        Even after we talked after the breakup we were cool with each other…and then he started acting weird again. I asked him if a friendship was too much for him so soon after the breakup and he just ignored me. I was done with being ignored. Who is HE to ignore anybody? It is rude and totally disrespectful……I told him so. We didn’t speak again until my father’s death a month later…and then again when my stepmom passed 5 weeks later. He chose that time to discard me with a silent treatment…when all I needed from him was a strong shoulder to lean on…I was devastated….my family is everything to me…and he knows that. He acted like he just loved my parents….I just don’t understand it. I do know I could never be with someone like him. I need a kind and caring man….he faked those qualities so well…it is still hard to believe he is such a sadistic monster….

        1. mlaclarece says:

          My heart goes out to you for your loss of your dad and stepmom. That is truly a tremendous loss to endure. I am equally shocked for you that you were given a silent treatment. It really is the cruelest form of mental abuse. H.G. is right when he says it’s like erasing someone from existence.
          I liked the way you put it that my Narc wanted to get to “act unimpressed”. He definitely made me jump thru hoops.
          Thanks T!

        2. Freedom says:

          Oh T why are our stories so alike. I to was discarded via whatsapp message he would not engage in anyone converstion. He has been giving me the silent treatment for two weeks till I said he was being unfair and he needed to grow up. I then messaged saying what’s going on as he would not speak directly to ( he was in india wouldn’t Skype or face time me) he then messaged dumping me. We to bad been discussing marriage and long term plans prior to him heading back to his job in India. He was married to an Indian business woman 12 weeks post discard. All I wanted was to be treated fairly. During our relationship when it came the anniversary of my fathers death I always became very sad just needed a hug or kind words from him. I either got silence or he would say he wasn’t having a good time either.

          I had loved him with all my heart now I know it was all lies.πŸ˜“πŸ˜“

  7. MLA-Clarece says:

    As many times as you can tell me it was all an illusion (and I’m accepting of that premise now), it was still real exchanges and time spent. Late night conversations or texting sessions before going to sleep when we couldn’t see each other happened. On his watch and mine. Now there is that deafening silence. The passage of time was real and not an illusion even though you say the feelings didn’t exist with them because they are void of it. Loneliness and silence are equally as painful to experience making recovering that much harder.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Yes you are correct, real exchanges and time spent in the pursuit of an illusion. This amalgam of the real expenditure (on your part) and the knowledge that what felt real was actually an illusion (on his part) equates to the pain that you experience.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        But why doesn’t the investment of time spent on your part for whatever reason not seem to matter to you?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Because we gain fuel for it and then move on elsewhere.

  8. nikitalondon says:

    I became emotional with the writing and your posting. I remember the first time I broke up with N3 I thought I could let go easily but letting go was more painful than being with him so at the end I responded to hoover and I made the mistake of listening to this song below, which instead of helping me let go because the song is a beautiful song on letting go, it made me help me think more on him and therefor ofcourse fail with my intentions of leaving.
    I did not know about everprescence and that had been a song we listed to together….. mistakes that we dont make after having read your books HG.

    1. So Sad says:

      I can’t see the video Nikita but we ALL fell for the hoovers ( hugs ))x

      1. malignnarc says:

        It was in a separate post So Sad.

      2. nikitalondon says:

        It never works when I post a video..πŸ˜–
        Its Bon Voyage from kim karnes.. This used to be a special song.. And because its of letting go I was dumb to think it would actually enforce my decision to leave.. Was the contrary

  9. So Sad says:

    Good afternoon HG . Did I tell you how hansome your looking today ! .. Lol . Kidding , you might be but that’s not the reason for my post sorreee . πŸ™‚

    Would you be so kind as to point me in the direction of where I can find some closure with ex N please ? He’s lurking in the dark corners of my mind & keeps invading my thoughts .
    Due to a house move & various other emotional pressures at the moment I’m feeling very angry .. I literally want to smash his face in with a heavy boot !!**!

    I’m sure you must have written something about closure somewhere,, I’m just not sure where to look .

    Thank you ..

    1. malignnarc says:

      I have not written on closure specifically but I would say that gaining understanding provides closure and thus reading attains that understanding. Fuel, Escape and Revenge will certainly assist in that regard.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Of course when its letting go of romantic relationships understanding on what happened with the relationship . In this terms fuel was for me very valuable.

      2. So Sad says:

        Thank you HG πŸ™‚

        1. malignnarc says:

          You are welcome.

    2. T. says:

      So Sad…I found much comfort in Escape! I cannot recommend it enough!!

      1. So Sad says:

        Thank you for your recommendation T πŸ™‚ . I’m going through a little bit of a rough time at the moment .

        I look forward to reading it x

  10. nikitalondon says:

    HG I forgot to tell you its again an excellent posting. I will never get tired of praising your writting skills.

    Keep quiet, my heart *
    Don’t be afraid
    I am a friend
    that speaks to you.
    I have waited and I have hoped
    for that moment that perhaps, isn’t coming
    and that will perhaps simply pass by
    or maybe even never happens

    I look back
    on a wonderful time
    You were the anchor
    And the cradle of my existence
    You fought
    And shared every moment with me
    I am proud
    to still be beside you now

    I catch an image of you
    And close my eyes
    And the rooms are empty no longer
    Let all else rest in peace
    I catch an image of you
    And this single glimpse of time
    Remains in my metaphorical possession **
    Where heaven will not get it back

    You came to me
    Before the very first toll struck
    When the sand in the hourglass seemed inexhaustable
    You have lived
    In every storm you fought beside me
    You never demanded anything
    You only gave and bestowed

    You’ve showed me
    What it is that’s really important
    You conjured a smile upon my face
    With your silent gaze
    Without a word
    And surely, full of love and life
    You have given me so much of yourself
    I look back

    on a wonderful time
    You were the anchor
    And the cradle of my existence
    You fought
    And shared every moment with me
    I am proud
    To still be beside you now

    I catch an image of you
    And close my eyes
    And the rooms are empty no longer
    Let all else rest in peace
    I catch an image of you
    And this single glimpse of time ***
    Remains in my metaphorical possession
    Where heaven will not get it back

    I let you go
    And I wish you all the luck of this world
    In this single moment in time ****
    You are the only thing that’s worth it
    Let go
    And just go to sleep
    I will forever be by your side

  11. nikitalondon says:

    It is one of the most painful challenges in life to loose a loved one, call it family or close friend because in some cases like in my letting go is a long bumpy and at times endless painful path. In my case it was the death of my dad. My dad although a N was the base of my life.
    I rarely experimented his Narcissistic traits. I would have had to cross him severely for him to do something not nice to me, which also at the end was not something horrible but yes of course hurt my feelings.
    My father was eveything to me, he would give me the sense that no matter what happened in life everything would be okay.
    He died for one moment to another from a heart failure during his vacations, sitting in a clear blue ocean. Today I feel happy for him to have had such a nice death, but this is only now after the hard work I had to do to let go of him and the fact that I would never see him again, never talk to him again, never hear his laughter again, his jokes nothing.
    Gone from one day to the other.
    The emptiness was at times unbearable. That emptines felt in the mounth of the stomach and part of the chest, would specially at niight, not let me know how I was going to pass the night.
    I sat in the living for hours, non-stop crying and I remember when this emptiness took over I would just bend over and cross my arms in front of my thinking this would make it go away.
    I would call his telephone and listen over and over to his funny message in the message box of his celphone. Sometimes I would even speak on it and leave him messages on how much I still thought about him.
    I would write him long emails, talk to him,….
    I did feel his prescence sometimes and would have dreams about him, which would temporarily give me some relief but the pain came again and again back. I was always trying to surpress the pain instead of feel it. I would cry the whole night but in a way that I was numb to this pain.

    After about one year knowing that I would not carry longer anymore like this, and having heard him in a dream telling me I had to continue living, I decided to accept the decisions of God and life to take him away from me, that it was his time for him to leave and that he was happy where he was.
    I turned to reading about God and death and so much of that reading turned into living as spiritual as I could.
    The view of budhism and death helped me also alot to understand about life here and up there.
    And finally meditation helped me to let the pain flow without supressing it, without having to bend down and hold my chest to not feel the emptiness. to really feel the pain and the sadness is really very challenging and difficult but once attained one day it starts feeling lighter, one day you notice the pain is no longer there.
    Instead of crying for hours over happy memories, I felt happy about them. I felt happy for him that he loved the ocean and did die without sufferement in the middle of a beautiful and calm one.
    Happy that he was no longer suffering here anymore of any emotional pain he could have had.
    Happy that we each one have a path and a given time here on earth and somewhen its finished and its okay.
    The most of all I understood with spirituality and budhism that I should let go of anything that hurts because I also have a certain time to be here and that I should enjoy and give take the most out of what life is giving me. Its Gods gift
    Music also played a key role in my process of letting go. there are certain special interpreters that have had to undergo this process of letting go and could wonderfully turn their experiences into a melodical message.
    I specially remember this German singer, whom I went to see in concert and is an unforgettable life experience to see this guy singing.
    Like many artists I believe he falls in the autistic spectrum as I can judge by reading his biography.
    He tells there how he lost his best friend to a sickness and it was almost like loosing his life. The worst time of his life. He did not know how he would do to recover and keep on living.
    so he wrote three songs. One for letting him go, where the words are wonderful and you can really see and understand the depth of the friendship.Thje most important person of his life. After that he wrote a song on how to continue living.
    and the third song is on how to keep in contact with him from the far away. ” be my light”.
    This was also my process. Letting go, continue my normal life and continue to have a spiritual relationship with my dad.
    And the let go process I learned has to be applied not only to the loss of a beloved or relationship but also when loosing something material is very difficult. like a job, or a fortune or something like that.
    Its the only way to continue living with inner peace after this loss.

    And HG as for the push and pull of the Narcissist. Once you learn how to let go, somewhen this sufferement that the push and pull gives, can be grieved by acknowledging the pain, feeling it and then letting go of it.
    It is indeed a very painful way of manipulation that bring back the feelings of emptiness like you say.
    I am of the thinking that nobody shold stay in painful relationships even when having constraints from money and kids.

    For those interested the video of the German singer with english translations will be posted below.

  12. Yenals says:

    I have read many of your posts on FB and have read sex and the narcissist, which I found both interesting and fasanating. I’m curious to know do you treat everyone in your life in the same manner, such as your Mother, sister brother? Or is it just the ones you are in a sexual relationship with?
    I’m in a very distant relationship with someone who I’m not sure yet is an “N” or just a compluvise liar!!!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Yenals, I am pleased you found Sex and the Narcissist interesting. I can safely say that I do not treat my mother,sister and/or brother in a sexual sense ! I do treat everybody in a similar way though in terms of garnering fuel. Do tell us more about your very distant relationship.

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