We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.

This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park. Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.

In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you be instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.

We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?

Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and sounds, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.

54 thoughts on “Residue

  1. Ashlee M says:

    Thank youu for writing this

  2. Mark says:

    I have a child with Satan. She has ensured that I am linked in some way for the rest of my life. I am utterly blank and non reactive when I meet her. I am not really there. I am inside my head, observing from a distance, and I essentially turn my Ego off. I act a part. I hide. I will not give her supply ever again and I have mastered the art of Grey Rock. I believe that she can sense the change in me. I used to rage back ferociously but I don’t even make eye contact these days and I use simple, monosyllabic answers, if I answer at all that is. I usually ignore her. Still, we are linked, much as it irks me to be so. If I knew then what I know now but I enlisted therefore I must serve. My son requires that I do what I can to minimise his mother’s toxicity.

    1. Contagious says:

      Excellent! I made it a point never to critique my ex antisocial. I would say it doesn’t matter what my relationship is with him it matters what your relationship is. And your dad loves you ( granted in his capacity). I got 80% custody. I was worried but the court appointed psychologist says it takes only one nurturing loving stable parent ( or another like a grandma or aunt) to create a successful child. My daughter thrives and is a 20 year old success. We never spoke but co parented. Although he is much much wealthier for me, I took care of braces, birthdays, holidays and vacations. I helped the first two years of college and he is the next two. Keep taking the high road, your child is worth it! Bravo!

      1. Contagious says:

        I look forward to HG differentiating a narc from an antisocial. I think my ex is the latter as diagnosed. He is low if any empathy but doesn’t have the need for fuel just for whatever he wants.

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    This is why I never allowed PinV. Ever. That is a means to procreation, not pleasure. Pins pierce protection. Usually it is the female who does it but after he alluded, nfw. A child is the ultimate tentacle. I hate relating that term to an innocent child but yeah…and residue too.

  4. bethany7337 says:


    Yes, that was the whole point of ne posting about exN and his infertility- he made me feel sorry for HIM when he told me his marriage was broken because of how his wife was treating him due to his infertility issue. I thought she must be a very cold and insensitive woman and all
    My empathy kicked in…just as it did yours.

    Later, when exN was deported and I had the opportunity to meet his soon to be ex wife…and speak at length with her…I found out that she was a beautiful, caring and nurturing woman who had been victimized by his deception, serial infidelity and covert abuse for years. She had not made fun of or been disdainful to him about his infertility but had gone to great lengths to make him feel better and be totally included in the in vitro process and all the steps up to the birth of their son. Which he repaid by having an affair with me and ruining the most significant and celebratory time in a couple’s life.

    He totally took his infertility issue and made it something for me to feel sorry for him and also it served to build trust toward him early in the relationship…I thought…wow…what a an open and honest man who doesn’t have a huge ego and can share such a private and personally potentially humiliating issue with me. I felt so honored and special that he could trust me and felt safe sharing this with me…do you see Nikkita what he so cleverly managed to do here?

    1. nikitalondon says:

      I see and I connect now the answer of HG to your comment! Ah im so slow. Sometimes I wish this blog woud be in Spanish 😂😂😂. I understand now.

  5. Cody says:

    Even if he (supposedly) didn’t want the divorce, being a single divorced dad is the absolute best role for G. Because his exwife was (again, supposedly) a Type A career-obsessed woman whose child came second, he got to look like the hero everytime he had to cancel our plans because his ex was ditching the kid at the last minute for a work dinner or business trip. Not only did I never question it, I 100% supported it! What a wonderful, loving father…putting his child first.

    Turns out, the kid was the perfect cover story for his fuel-trolling activities…

    I know this won’t change your views on having kids, HG, but maybe you could make one up (meaning a kid that conveniently will never be around.). It’s a great cover story and will bring in positive fuel for your selfless parenting skills (as was case with G) and negative fuel when your partner feels unworthy because she never gets to meet the child (also true for me).

    1. bethany7337 says:

      Cody, you just described my ex N husband. I am the one out there carrying the load for bringing home the bacon while he decides to be a stay at home Dad (someone gas to watch the kids!!!) which allows him to watch CNN and smoke the water pipe all day while I toil and labor to provide.

      Mind you, when I left him after a 24 year marriage, he was earning six figures and told me I would never make it on my own. Since then, I’ve restablished a fantastic career and bought a beautiful house and I am 100% financially independent whike he “punishes” me by living on next to nothing, driving a car about to fall apart and loses everything. Yes, he tries to make his family and friends believe he is self sacrificing on behalf of his kids but I know better.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        This type of household is getting more and more common where the woman works and the man takes care of the kids and has an easier side job than the woman. I see it alot with women who make it to top management.

  6. Golden says:

    I was born in a psychopathic community and I got out. I have experienced lots of bad stuff. I realized that narcopaths are all connected to a main hive mind which we can not see or sense that controls them to inflict the most pain possible in a synchronistic way. think of your life and I am sure you will find clues that supports my theory. I finally view them as robots that work for another system which we are not aware of !!!!! this life looks to me like the Truman show movie. They are very smart and they role the world, so I could not buy that they have brain damage. I had to learn about them from a different prospective. please watch these two vids and tell me what you think.

    1. Contagious says:

      You write about psychopaths. This is different to narcs. Granted there is an overlap:) sorry about the hell your writing received. Wishing you the best in 2023!

  7. Gees, I’m surprised by my reaction to this post today. I feel nothing, after my peaceful sleep. (A rarity for me indeed) Perhaps my new found philosophy of letting go “looks good on me”.
    Your posts are healing me quicker than any intense therapy could ever do; regardless of my reaction…they ignite the passion within myself, to find my way back to the me, that I clearly never knew existed. My lack of response or triggers to your kind and my reality, all serve to inspire me to challenge my beliefs, and in turn yours. As my stepkids say…I’m loving life atm. (Warts and all; its all good) The more Im toyed with…the more I learn. Thanks for that HG 😉

    1. T says:

      Right On, CE!

      I must agree with you about HG’s posts and blog!
      I saw my therapist this week and she that I am doing much better
      and what has changed in my life? I told her about this blog, and she told me that I can give up my twice a month therapy appointments because I no longer needed them!!

      My trouble was my NEED to KNOW why N3 was acting the way he was, and if I was the cause in some way (I knew I wasn’t)….because I had dated a few men and things ALWAYS turned out the same way…

      I have my answers now!!

      1. Indeed! T…
        I’m so very pleased for you 😄

        I’ve only seen 3 therapists in my life (one session each) they ended up spending half my session venting to me about their personal details. It is just something that happens when others meet me; ever since I can remember. I’m happy to do such, as I figure others must need it, or it wouldn’t happen and in any case, it fulfils a need I have always had inside me too. A need that I need to find balance within myself. I love to heal others. Be it in my many varied employment positions I have had, or my personal life. They have always seemed to merge. I can be waiting for a bus and strangers will have a “Forrest Gump” type scene happen. They just open up and it flows. For this reason, I have not been able to address my own issues as I am too occupied with that of others. It has given me much insight. I am a co dependent empath and seek to heal and fix everyone; often in spite of myself. The eternal caregiver and nurturing mother type. My issues stem from childhood trauma (N abuse) and have continued into my adult life. I differ from many in the sense that, it is me, that needs fixing in my life. I am surrounded and entangled by N’s and that is okay. Some I can cut off completely, others I cannot, but they will always be drawn to me because of who I am. I accept that. I just now know that its me that needs to change. I am the added cause of the way they interact with me. Such is my design. Thanks to HG and the fact that I am distanced from him, I can clearly see myself. I don’t need counselling as I have found the tools I need. My task is to heal by staying grounded in my feelings; not allow myself to be caught up in that of others. To give of myself in a healthy way and honour my new found boundaries and adjust them as I learn better. To treat myself as I would a small child. With love and compassion, patience, guidance and care. I know I possess the skills as I have guided many to heal and growth to their full healthiest potential. I need to own my triggers, weaknesses and focus on my immense strength, that I do truly know I have inside myself to heal. I’m finally choosing me. I love HG for the roller-coaster ride of emotions I can experience at my own pace. Safe in the knowledge that, although, I feel things within my interactions here that are very real and intense, it only serves to prove to myself that I truly hold the power over what I let affect me, and what I don’t. N’s will go on doing as they do; whether I am “attending” or not. I choose to control what I show up to and what I give myself to. HG teaches me that often and thankfully from a safe distance.
        Blessed be T ❤

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Hi CE

          What a magnificent assement you do of yourself there. I comment because you sound very similar to me. Funny in few months you turned yourself in such a big angle. Dont know how many degrees.
          The only difference or lets say the biggest differenc in between you and me is the below

          I choose to control what I show up to and what I give myself to. HG teaches me that often and thankfully from a safe distance.
          Blessed be T ❤

          I dont choose to comtrol what I show up ir not. Its a discipline called meditation and midfullness and you have to exercise it daily in order to have the control over our ego and balance of your energies. HG fid not teach me that but some workshops I made in budhistic meditation and spirituality. I have the blessing of having a best friend who is a spiritual coach in miami and I got hours and hours of coaching for free and with lots of love.
          Its interesting how HG gave you the same I got from meditation, budhism and an extremely loving spiritual coach.
          Maybe HG has lots of potential he has not yet discovered.

          1. Indeed Nikita
            I too have meditated with buddhists monks for over a year in a beautiful beach location I used to live at. I studied buddhism for a time. I found it resonated with me most, as I am not of any religion and had never experienced anyone who was (of many types of religions) that were not hypocrites once I got to know them. They rarely practiced what they preached. I don’t wish to enter into any religious debate and understand that its okay for them to be as they choose – each to their own. We each have to go to bed and wake up with ourselves daily – or not I suppose as I have learnt that many choose illusion and delusion.
            Hence my belief in focusing on one moment at a time. I saw all of this years ago, but as I am a co dependent and in recovery (so to speak) I simply couldn’t cope with accepting it to be true of others that I loved. My conditioning never felt right; although it was my form of “normal” so became very familiar. I had counselled many out of such relationships and was able to because of the emotionally detached distance I could have to see clearly. And as I was very protective of others. I just seldom showed this for myself.
            HG posts made me see it from a somewhat detached perspective again; somewhat magnified by his writing style. He explains things as an articulate empath would (so is his design) I could speak further on this, but in essence the intermittent prods and reminders especially on my better days were invaluable to me. I need the reminders especially when I am being naturally forgiving as I dislike being angry and sad. It’s easier to let it go when it wasn’t present but then I would get hurt tenfold. Being ever mindful of factual events and manipulations, not focusing on them, just reminding myself of hidden agendas enabled me to stay true to myself and truly let go of that which no longer serves me.
            Thanks Nikita. Namaste, dear lady ❤

          2. nikitalondon says:

            I thought CE that we could conclude that HG could evolve this blog into having an appendix or session called ” love and spirituality; reducing your ego to the minimal expression ” but according to your current message I dont think so anymore.
            But I am also totally in love with the “Evil” blog. Either way….
            ZEN crystal empath ❤️

          3. malignnarc says:

            I can’t reduce my ego to the minimal expression.

          4. That was my only thought in relation to that!

          5. nikitalondon says:

            Then spirituality neither as ego and spirituality dont go together.
            For today 😂😂

          6. nikitalondon says:

            I know. I was just saying it because of CE previous message.

          7. I just think of it as my form of gospel…the hold grail 💪❤👍

      2. T…please indulge me. I just watched this. Much “food for thought”

  8. T says:

    WOW! Amazingly accurate…..N3 met his ex fiance at work. They were both Criminalist’s (like Dexter….how appropiate) at the county crime lab…since it was a fulltime plus on call job….they spent every minute together. Of course, N3 being who he is…..he threw a fit when a woman was promoted as his boss. He actually walked off the job without proper notice (and abandoned many pending cases..some with pending court dates), when she tried to call out a mistake he made (total misogynist).

    He took his Chemistry skills and went to work in the oil industry (we live in big oil country..CA. central valley)….he started to climb the coropate ladder and worked 7 days per week and over 12 hours per day…completely ignoring his fiance. She finally had the courage to leave him after 6 years of abuse from him. I think she got the courage because she was no longer working with him at the crime lab. He never forgave her for leaving him…and never spoke to her again.
    Although, he did phone her mother and brother and cried victim to them….AND THEY ACTUALLY TOOK HIS SIDE?!!!

    However, when he started dating me 3 years later….he took some of his coworkers from the crime lab out to lunch and passed my picture around…knowing this news would get back to her. I don’t really think she cared….
    I’m not sure HOW she put up with 6 years of his abusive behavior…I’ve wanted to reach out to her…to get her side…but I don’t need to now…thanks to HG, his books, and this blog. I KNOW his an N., and I know to stay away from him!

    1. bethany7337 says:

      Wow T…you’re in Central Valley, I’m not too far… Just North in the Sacramento area😃

      1. T says:

        I live in Bakersfield, Bethany! I’m four hours south of you! I think Cali is Narc Central! Lol!

        It’s a good thing your ex was deported! Easy way to be rid of him! Lol

      2. T says:

        CE, I loved it! Endurism! 👏🏽❤️

        1. Hi T,
          I love her teachings. Often a bit “out there” but she always gives one much food for thought 😄

  9. bethany7337 says:

    I think the stain lingers or not depending on the victims level of wounding prior to knowing the Narc. If our childhood was supportive and relatively happy then the victim can move on pretty quickly and grasp the lessons and chalk it up to having trusted the wrong man.

    On the other hand, if the victim was predisposed to being manipulated by the machinations of the Narc because of childhood sexual abuse, abandonment/neglect and insecure attachment ect. The road to ️Healing is much longer and more difficult. The ex wife of the N I was involved with seemed to get over him fairly quickly once she threw in the towel. She didn’t seem to internalize all the infidelity and lies, ect. For very long. She also went on to find a new partner..a man she seems very happy with and who treats her wonderfully. There was a period of time where I was in contact with her following the end of my relationship with the N when I told her I believed him to be s psychopath and she wasn’t very familiar with such terms…she rather attributed his awful behaviors to being an alcoholic. They have a young child together and I was so surprised that in spite of all the things he did to his ex wife (I was the “other woman” so saw and witnessed his blatant double life and standards) she still is on good terms with him. After his deportation and when she and I met and had a heart to heart I asked for her forgiveness for having been in the role of the home wrecker…something that took forever to forgive myself for…but she thanked me for being the catalyst to get her to finally kick his ass to the curb.she genuinely wished me well and told me I had done nothing wrong…just “trusted the wrong man”.

    Shortly after our meeting she dropped off the radar and didn’t respond to my message so I sense somehow he smeared me to her in some way. I accepted that and never contacted her again because I had read enough about Narcs and their triangulation and smear tactics that I wanted to stay far away from that.,

    I fear that her inability to recognize the depth of his pathology will keep her as a secondary source and maybe always a candidate to get sucked back in as a primary but that is no longer my circus or my monkeys anymore.

    1. T says:

      Bethany, he was deported? Did his ex get him deported?

      I am curious, because here in the US…many N’s date undocumented women from any country just to hold the threat of deportation over their heads as some type of threat AND mind game…so they’ll never leave them…. This is common for MANY abusers over here….

      It’s nice to hear it was the other way around in your ex’s case!!

      1. bethany7337 says:

        T…she didn’t have him deported…he did that to himself by getting a DUI (a third) and when pulled over the cop arrested him and when he was placed in the drunk tank the authorities figured out he was here undocumented. When this happened, he and his ex had been separated for a year and a half and I had been “promoted” (haha) to be primary source . His ex served him divorce papers while he sat in jail fighting deportation…which pretty much fucked his chances of remaining here. Without a spouse and child to sit in front of a judge and plea for his release , his deportation became imminent. I dutifully (stupidly) stood by him through a seven month legal process and did all I could to rally support for him to be able to stay …I was so addicted! I literally could see how I was acting against my own best interests by remaining involved with him but I felt powerless to stop! He was my drug and I needed my fix out of jail! *SMH*

        I went to see him shortly after he got deported and those were the most painful, confusing days I have ever experienced in a relationship. his Jekyll/Hyde persona intensified, even as he proposed and asked me to be his wife. The whole trip was surreal in my mind…I felt so unsafe and confused…but I knew it was the last time I would ever see him…even as I kissed him a goodbye …in my heart, after what I had seen in Mexico…the ugly truth…I knew that he and I could never be.

        Yes, his ex got Him good when she served his divorce papers in jail. I suppose I got mine when I called off the engagement. I can imagine the pity ploy he spins for the new victim about these women who surely let him down!

        Even now, I dont take any joy in knowing my refusal to marry him wounded him in some way., It hardly felt sweet. I would have married him with all of his flaws, problems and issues…if only his love had been real.

  10. Sheila says:

    I think some of us are far luckier in erasing the stain. I think the last contact I had with the father of my two oldest children was the graduation of our son. That’s coming up on 6 years ago. A few superficial messages have been passed between us by our children, but nothing more insidious then a ‘congratulations’ on his remarriage from me to him. It’s been even longer with the father of my youngest daughter. Our final face-to-face meeting was outside the courtroom a few months after my daughter was born. He lost his bid for legal guardianship (stunned me that he’d even tried). He was granted visitation rights that he never exercised. I later petitioned the court to have them revoked with evidence he’d been given opportunity but never once utilized it. The judge agreed and his tendrils were removed. It’s been 14 years now and not a peep. I guess some of us are just luckier then others.

    1. nikitalondon says:

      Yes Sheila if it was so toxic then you were very lucky .

  11. BJ says:

    True for a long while but given time the ex psycho just becomes an irrelevant pest and his actions boring just a tiny bit of old shit on your shoe time is good for old residues they decompose

  12. notquiteanarc says:

    Oh how true this is. He will forever be a permanent stain on my brain and no matter how many times I say I’m done I always cave and allow him back in 😞

  13. mlaclarece says:

    Forever imprinted with all the vile nastiness deposited in my brain.

  14. nikitalondon says:

    HG I suppose kids are also used as part of everprescence 😢? With kids you can practically not wash away ever…?
    And where there are no kids then its things and money and friends…
    Hmm rather than commenting I have a question. So if we cant totally wash away, how can we wash as much as we can? By reacting to any contact totally emotionless right? How to deal with returning things in the most less favorable way for you??
    Appreciate some comments.
    Very very good posting. Very true, difficult to read, because as I advance in the text you can feel the different emotions rising but you excellent writing skills gives a combination of pleasure and pain. 😜.
    Everybody likes pleasure and pain 😂😂😃
    Even that you have under your control hahahah.
    Nice ☀️☀️☀️💋

    1. malignnarc says:

      Kids are the optimum ever presence Nikita and they form a bridge between our world and yours no matter how hard you try to move away from our sphere of influence. Yes, if you approach us by dealing with us in a minimal fashion, without showing emotion and resisting our manipulations then you will wash away quite a lot.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Thanks alot for your answer and For reinforcing that idea on emotionless contact. This is pretty hard for me but I drill this into my head.
        Concerning the manipulations, the most difficult part is not resisting to them but first of all identifying them, but your books have given a good insight to identify manipulations.

        By the way yesterday by chance I discovered a blog in Spanish of somebody having been a victim and there is reference to many good links in English, one of them being
        So it occurred to me I could write to that person or make part of the blog to promote your books and at the same time help the people at the blog help themselves.
        Here just for reference the link.

    2. T says:


      In retrospect….I could never imagine having kids with any of my ex N’s.
      While I was in love with them, I could. They were all talented, successful, good looking, and came from good stock….but each one of these men would have made my life hell had I procreated with them…they were ALL the types that would have sued for full custody just to hurt me. Their personalites would have seen their kids as extentions of their own ego’s….and they would have fought me tooth and nail to take the kids and live vicariously through them…*sMh*

      N, N2, or N3 have never had children….

      I have dated (I don’t consider them “boyfriends”) two N’s with children, and they worshiped those kids in a sick way….
      One guy was my ex neighbor and took me out a few times (victim type).
      His ex left him, and he used the kids to get back at her…and control her and the kids lives. The other one was married a few times, and lost interest with each wife after she had his children. He had 4 of them and managed with his parents $ to get full custody of two of them…and partial custody of the other two. He used them to triangulate me early on…he’d break dates with me to take his children out?! We never had anytime together because of his job…and I was always at the bottom of his list because of the kids. I tried to understand this, and make plans for ALL OF US…but he wanted us kept apart. They didn’t know me..and didn’t like me. I broke that off and told him why….he didn’t really care…he just said “maybe that’s best…I need to spend more time with my kids anyway”.

      Both of these men have exes that regret the marriages…and choosing to procreate with those types of men….but they are stuck like chuck to them FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES….


      1. nikitalondon says:

        OHHH my God T

        Thanks God I never had this experience. No problems with my kids. No use of them for manipulation. My ex got along very well with my kids. I never tried to isolate them on the weekends I had them. I must admit he really tried to get close to them, but somehow Sometimes he wanted to overshine me with them. Which made me sad.
        I dont have them every other weekend. I have two weekends per month on my own 😃😃😃. And 6 weeks of school vacations on my own 😃😃😃. It works pretty well.
        My ex had kids but grown on their 20s.
        There is no problem with ex and new Gf. Everbody gets along very well. I am thankful. Of course I have diferences concerning school or education but normal. I am thankful thag until now all works well 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻. I hope it stays like that.
        What I think about your story is that maybe because there was no official commited relationship you were not presented to the kids, but this is normal as I see everybody with kids doing that.
        Maybe because of this you felt you were not given priority.
        I believe a partner is as important as the kids and important to separate time for the kids( then partner has time on his own) and the partner and for the couple. I realize this to be in couple alone is easier when you get divorced because you anyway have time on your own and this does not happen when you are married.

        Hugs to you too and good luck with Mr. Right search.

      2. So Sad says:

        Hi T. How are you ? x

        I can relate to your post so much . .

        Ex narc hated children including his own niece & nephews , but always said he wanted children of his own .. I couldn’t quite work that one out my instincts kicked in & I made the conscious decision I was never going to give him child . It was the only part of our relationship I had control of 🙂

        He’s now in his 40s still young enough I suppose , but his new target is much older so the chances of him now becoming a dad are slim to zero .

        Can’t help but feeling a little bit smug that I denied him the very thing he so desired ..My ever lasting legacy to him . 🙂 x

      3. T says:

        So Sad, you did the right thing not having kids with him. Nikita, you’re lucky to not have problems with your ex N w the kids…..

        My ex neighbor still had great control over his ex because of the kids. He insisted they eat a vegan diet, insisted the 2 year old still be breastfeed, didn’t want his ex dating…… .
        He didn’t give me any golden period. So, kicking him to the curb was easy! I don’t consider him ever being my BF! He really thought he was special….*smh*.

        He tried to humiliate me in front of the staff at a rental car company. He needed a ride back after returning a car rental), and I took him. The agent engaged me in talk about music. I guess the N felt left out….and so he chimed in and told us we were dumb for thinking disco was cool. He then looked at me (the African American woman he was trying to woo) and the efemminate rep and said ” the only people that like disco are fags and blacks….so who cares?!”

        I left him there…..

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Hi T
          that was mean from him. Specially the fag word. And I know in USA black people can only be called african american. Its funny in my country they dont like to be called afrodescendant and they protested on the streets and requiered to be called black community. They dont like the word colored neither. So the government came up with the word negritud which stems from black. Its a big issue in my country at the moment, racism.
          I guess in usa It was very rude to say that.
          I understand you left. I would have not left but I guess never respond to his calls again. I cant stand disrespect to people.
          My ex-husband and me had luckily alot in common concerning education and feeding and others so that makes it easier.
          Breastfeeding a kid until age 2 sounds crazy. No ex likes the other one dating. This was in my case also, but they did not really interfere but just say ironic comments to me.
          Seems he wS really a comtrolling person.
          I guess you are much better off far from there 😂.

          1. T says:

            Nikita, his oldest was breastfed until age 4! He said it made kids healthy and smart. His kids were beautiful….and had great immune systems…..idk….? I don’t have kids…

            I actually prefer the term “black” personally…but I usually use African-American when speaking with non Americans because it’s good to let others in on what is most current and accepted with All Americans(colored would be offensive these days, but I let those over age 60 use it…because that was accepted in their generation)

            That N was trying to degrade me and the gay rep. He just had to feel superior….he was a straight white male and in his mind he was superior. He only chose minority women to date because he felt better than us?! He was furious his Hispanic wife left him….and furious I wasn’t kissing his feet?! Why should I? I never made him my BF….his victimhood was a huge turnoff for me…. I’m attracted to men that want to set the world on fire with their hard work and intellect. He was intelligent….but lazy! Lol

          2. nikitalondon says:

            Hi T
            I already answered the message on the other post.
            I forgot to mention comtrol. Like breastfeeding until so late ages.
            I know that some people not only narcissits have to have the control or else they feel they loose their ground.
            This is really difficult because evem being flexible there are things that other can just not accept. Like this late breadtfeeding for example. Nevertheless I know women who did it gladly until the age of 2 ( 4 i never heard) . Finding somebody with whom you share lots of points of views might help to minimize negative impacts from control. It is a very very difficult aspect. N3 was very controlling on how we did things and nevertheless I endend up doing them but in tears. He needed TOTAL control and as I am confortable with control in 90% of the time it worked but there was a 10 % or matbe 5% where I would not agree and I endend up crying but the funny thing is thaf we always did it his way and at the end it worked out even if it was against my will . Unexplainable.

          3. T says:

            Nikita, he accused me of being controlling….lol

            After 4 weeks of friendship with this guy, I can see why his ex had to flee the home when he wasn’t home. She took the kids and her family helped her escape! She got a lawyer–and remained no contact! Any concerns with the kids was done via her parents. He KNEW if he was able to get her to talk to him–she’d go back to him!

            His ex started counseling, and I think she found out he was an N! She refused to talk to him!

            Those red flags were easy to heed, Ladies!


            Like HG said….a victim N won’t have the $ or energy to love bomb you….and men that lack ambition have always turned me OFF!

            There are some N’s that don’t stand a chance with me….lol

        2. nikitalondon says:

          Hi T
          This morning I did think that you have hurt the construct of your friend that day and he reacted against all of you. This is the thing that is difficult to grip on the NPD. On one side they do need to do that to be able to do fix the injury to their comstruct but on the other side your boundaries, and principles as respect for the other are violated. Its a hard situation to manage.
          I guess you could not do anything there because you did not know your friend had to react like this due to him being an N.
          I remember that was the first thing I did notice on my last ex. An extremely jealous man. I did take the decision to not talk to other people when we were together and like this avoid problems. As an experienced N he had learned to manage his fury in a way that he disrespected nobody, and this is the admirable part of NPD that I admire because although they will never be able to stop the fury, they can manage techniques to make it less painful.
          Maybe this friend of yours has learned im the meantime a more sustainable way to manage the fracture.
          Its alot alot of effort ans specially when third people are involved.
          I hope that all the people in this blog take the learning here to have a better live together with people who are different, but if you just cant accept this and found the rude behaviour of your friend not acceptable then you are better off away.

          1. T says:

            Hi Nikita! You’re right about that guy….and I knew I was right to kick him to the curb! I am a nice, understanding, and patient woman. However, this guy pushed boundaries with everybody!! He even got a friend to introduce him to a college professor to date before he met me….and he ruined it on the first date!! He made an extremely sexist comment to the lady…so bad that she left him alone at the restaurant (like I left him @ he car rental office).
            He needs to learn how to behave around nice people….we shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells because he’s too insecure to handle women that are out of his league!

            He moved from here to be closer to his kids in LA. I seen him around social media and he’s happy because he’s back to his old self. He’s found an insecure woman that is willing to support him. The nerve of him him to think because I wanted marriage and a family that I’d settle for his pathetic self?!! He spends his days and nights online blogging to get attention…. Nikita, I like everyone….but his guy is just a user and a LOSER!

            Mom always said–You can do bad all by yourself! Lol

      4. bethany7337 says:

        Imagine that the ex N I was involved with had zoophoria! A medical term meaning ZERO SPERM COUNT! Its a fact! I learned this during lovebombing stage when he used this info oh so cleverly to gain sympathy for why his marriage was in demise. …that the wife no longer saw him the same way since he coukdnt give her what she wanted and treated him with scorn and disdain. The truth was, they did have a chikd through artificial insemination and she went to great lengths to do her homework selecting the donor so the child would resemble him…and he did. I never could understand how he had this very young child at home and carried on with me…shunning all his responsibilities as a new Dad and leaving his wife, a new Mother, alone and searching the house for clues about his whereabouts. Until I learned he was a Narc of course. Then it made perfect sense.

        But zero sperm count…imagine the size of that narcissistic injury. HG…how would your kind take to that kind of news?

        1. malignnarc says:

          We would mask it in order to make it seem as if it does not matter and blame you for any failure to conceive.

        2. nikitalondon says:

          I have to admit this comment got to me in a way because although I have never been personally comfronted to it, i have several friends and a very special and close friend of mine who went through accepting infertility and its is a very painful event but they faced it together and they are today a very happy couple, i could even say happier and stable than some couples who did make it to children.
          It is sad when you say the fact that the partner would look at the other person with disdain because of this. This can happen to anybody and nobody deserves to be treated with disdain because of infertiliy.
          As there are people who decide to never have children and have a very happy and complete life.
          To be honest Bethany your comment here made me feel sorry for your ex rather than for his wife. As I said above I have felt the pain that somebody can feel when they face the fact of infertility.

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