Just the One Time

Remember when you would wake up and reach for your mobile ‘phone and find that loving and uplifting message that I had sent you? I always rose before you and ensured that a delicious, tantalising text was sent to you ready for when you woke. Like a morning cup of tea on your night stand it was that little gesture which made you feel special. It told you that the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was you. This message of love, desire, passions and excitement would provide you with the first buzz of the day, a delicious reminder of how wonderful I am and how marvellous we are together. The first text of the deluge that would follow throughout the day, scores of little gift-wrapped presents which you open and smile, laugh and melt over. Little did you realise that these messages had been recycled from your predecessor and would be used again for your replacement. Little did you also realise that two other people were receiving these messages first thing in the morning.

Now there is nothing. There is no chime of that early morning text. There is no winking light denoting the text waiting for you to open it. It is silence. As your eyes open, the conditioning that I caused makes you immediately remember how you used to feel when that text arrived. Where once you woke with excitement in your stomach now it is just the sharp stab of pain as you know there is nothing waiting for you. You understand this is how it should be, the need to stay away from me, but it hurts. It hurts so much and how long will this pain remain with you? Will it ever go away? Those months of daily morning texts has ingrained a pattern and a longing inside you and no matter how hard you try the first thought of your day is always

“Four months ago he was still sending me those wonderful texts.” Last month it was the same sentence only it began with three. You roll on to your back and though you know you shouldn’t, you cannot help but allow me into your mind even further as you recall those mornings where we ended up late for week because of our passionate love-making. That quick dart to the en suite and then back into bed where I was waiting for you. You turn and look at the empty pillow and that all too familiar bitter sweet sensations sweeps across you. You know you should not do this. You know you ought now to seek refuge amongst the ghosts of once what was, but it makes the pain lessen, just for a while and it is just a memory isn’t it, thinking about me just the one time cannot do any harm can it? Just the one time. You give a twisted smile at that sentence which has somehow become your daily mantra as you struggle to escape the toxins that I have left inside you, the legacy of my oh so effective seduction and poisoning of you.Β Just the one time you check on my tweets and who is following me and who I am following. Just the one time you parked near where I lived and watched slumped in your driver’s seat to see who might appear at my door. Just the one time you sent a friend to watch me at an event you knew I would be attended and to report back on what she saw. Just the one time you re-read the e-mails I sent you. It was just the one time for them all and more, well one time a week then one time a day, but I dont know what you are doing do I, so where is the harm? Just the one time you return to my Facebook profile, scouring it, looking for clues like some desperate detective intent on tracking down the prolific killer. You check what I have liked, a picture here, a comment there, some meme about relationships which could be a dig at you but you are not sure. Any trace of you has been erased from my profile, gone are the messages, the comments and the pictures. Somebody else is there now, although there is some ambiguity. A red-headed woman appears in several pictures, laughing with me. You see one where her arms is draped around my shoulders and you feel the burning jealousy and anger and curse both you and I for this feeling. You fling your tablet to one side, muttering under your breath, just the one look having derailed your day before it has begun and vow not to look again. But you will. Just one look. A journey through the carousel of pictures, checking fingers to see if rings have appeared on them, of both me (it would be awful to see that rings on my wedding finger, something I always denied you) and of the women I pose with (it makes you feel sort of better if they wear a ring, that means that they won’t be with me, doesn’t it?)

You skulk amongst my twitter posts and return to my profile on my work website, reading the biography which you know off by heart. Your fingers rest on my profile picture as you see again the tie which you bought me for that particular photo shoot. Some days you wish it would be updated and then others days this once look makes you feel that perhaps I do not hate you, how can I if I still allow this picture to remain? You try not to think about me but somehow your mind just wanders there of its own volition, snaking through a thousand memories that spring up each day. Perhaps you will stay awhile amidst them, just the once minute of remembering. At the weekend you drove out to the forest path we used to amble along during sunny September mornings. Nobody else was ever there. Just you and I. You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand. It was meant to be just the one time but you have returned three times since, each time swearing that this time is when you exorcise those spectres.

What am I doing now? No doubt getting ready for work, perhaps showering and singing away as I once did in the shower we shared. Am I with somebody? Is somebody preparing breakfast for me or reclining in bed waiting for me to return to the bedroom towel draped about me? It seems so long since you have heard from me and so much remains unanswered, unsaid and unresolved. How would I react if you rang me? You cannot bring yourself to delete my number, just in case there was that one final conversation which could take place and put so many issues to bed, slay so many demons and close so many doors. That would all that it would take surely? Just the one conversation. Keep it business like, keep your emotions in check but just to get some answers so you can move on. Surely that is owed to you? You wonder whether I would answer if you rang me? How would I react if I saw your number on the display? You doubt I have blocked you, why would I do that? Your fingers toy with your phone, you need to know, just the once, just to make the hurt go away. You find my name. You want to hear my voice again, talk and no more but you feel anxious and the trepidation crawls over you. You need to know. You need the answers. What about ringing me and then stopping before I answer to see if I call back? Yes, that is a good idea, that would then show that I do want to talk to you, without the fear of having me hang up on you. That’s it. You will telephone me again after these months of nothing and let it ring and then this ever present agony can be eased. The questions can be answered when I call you back. You will not melt into my arms again. No, you are going to resist those sweet charms because you know what lies behind them. You have earned your stripes in that regard but you need to have this conversation, for yourself. You need to know I will talk to you. A text message isn’t immediate enough. I might not see it for some time or delay in replying, but a missed call, that brings a potential for urgency and immediacy and I am bound to respond to that aren’t I. You will call me. You will call and let it ring. Just the one time.

86 thoughts on “Just the One Time

  1. Anabelle says:

    If N would write to me after nine months I would feel satisfaction and appreciation and ignore him with pleasure. I don’t feel too weak to keep silence.

  2. twinkletoes@yahoo.com says:

    I’m pretty sure I got promoted that last year and a half. He was always moody, grandiose and eccentric (co-morbid with aspergers) but never cruel. I accepted it because we talked everyday (sometimes all day) and he always kept his word. Suddenly he began breaking committments (it was a ldr) to see me, often after I had purchased a plane ticket. He’d block me or become nasty a week or two before I was about to come (to a point I wondered if hed show up) and made increasingly difficult financial demands (ie: Β£300 night hotel ontop of everything you pay). His cruelty left me in tears and continued until I broke down and cancelled. Then the honeymoon period started again and he’d want to make trip plans. This happened 6 times and he told everyone I was the one not wanting to come). The final straw was him refusing to bring his car to pick me up at the airport in subzero weather (and before I was due to have heart surgery). He said if I came I would have to schlep it on the bus with him in subzero weather. When I protested he raged until I gave up in defeat. He then told his lieutenant he would never see or speak to me again (but denied this when confronted). Fourteen years is a long time and I always thought we would at least remain friends. He called me to rage that I needed to stop being a “f*** baby” and bothering him the day before my surgery and only sent an email after. I was blocked on the phone and all social media so I had no way to reach him. He did not care if I lived or died and told everyone I was a criminal and drug dealer. Many unfriended and blocked me. I assume I had been promoted at some point because I had never before seen behavior this vile. A mutual friend told me he was smiling with delight on the phone when I was hysterically crying.

    I bought a few of your books and they have been so helpful…as I am reading through the series I wonder…was I dealing with a malignant narc or is this just part of the standard process? He was very and seemed to be fueled from taking me down a notch. Any hoover attempts are no doubt fueled from social media and my recent weight loss.

    1. malignnarc says:

      From what you describe he certainly sounds like a greater (malign) member of our brethren. I am pleased you find the books helpful and yes if you have lost weight and are looking good on social media he will come sniffing around again, as a greater narc he will always be looking for opportunities to hoover you and then cast you down again.

  3. twinkletoes says:

    malignnarc you are amazing, I am so glad I found this site….his friend called me. No vm just a missed call. This happened 6 months prior as well. The friend is a psychopath (no, serious) he triangulated with me at the end. I poured my heart out to someone who little did I know was creating more drama by acting as a go between. Ex ended up devaluing them too because they interfered with his discard (and new supply source). I believe afterward they remained friends though. The friend is his lieutenant. Could he be causing trouble on his own or is my ex hoovering again? How do I handle it if contact continues? Its not even from him. I am not interested in dealings with his friend.

    1. malignnarc says:

      The friend although a psychopath is likely having his strings pulled by your ex but not only does the lieutenant feel compelled to assist he actively wants to so there is a possibility that his mandate has come from the ex but he will go it alone from time to time in accordance with the mandate. Eg your ex may tell a lieutenant to do a specific task, then when that is complete, instruct a lieutenant on another specific task. Here the ex may have said to the lieutenant psychopath, “cause her some anguish” and winds him up and lets him get on with his.
      Ignore the calls and block the number.

      1. Twinkletoes says:

        So it’s not a true Hoover attempt unless it comes directly from ex??Brilliant malignnarc!

        Are discarded secondary sources typically recycles of last resort?

        1. malignnarc says:

          You can hoover by proxy. You may get a secondary source who might be promoted from say an inner circle friend to an intimate partner, or colleague to outer circle friend but this takes place when that secondary source is still a part of the N’s supplementary sources. If a secondary source is discarded it is just as easy to find a new secondary source than go back to the discarded one, although it may happen.

  4. twinkletoes says:

    For 13 of those 14 years things were ok. I couldn’t figure out why he suddenly changed into a monster…I now realize I must been a secondary source. Fascinating! It explains how he kept the act up for so long.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Indeed Twinkletoes, when you understand the effect is significant.

  5. Boy, do I remember all that, to a T, very well.!! I could not have read that post back then. It would’ve been too much to handle. Now it’s like watching the movie while reading the screenplay. So predictable, yet when you’re sucked in that vortex, you can’t see the exit lane. Once youre on the offramp, it’s all said and done…behind you, finally. The physical pain no longer an issue. The emotional torment, all but disappears. Thank you for being the devil who’s doing Gods work by supplying us with the blueprints of the narcissist. The dude i was involved with is like a whiny bitch now, (narcissistic injury i presume), and I’ve put him on blast with his personality disorder. Luckily, he’s a covert narc, and no match for me technologically, so he does regress. I don’t think I could have handled an overt, mostly because I wouldn’t be attracted to that type of man initially. And he not to my type either, Ive learned. I don’t go for the romance, poems, cliche crap. It’s the strong silent ones I have to watch out for.

  6. Do you also do all those things yourself? Check their tweets, FB? If she had blocked you immediately, would you notice or even look? I imagine you’ll say it’s a given that these particular women would not do that, but, hypothetically, your reaction would be…?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Yes I check plenty at the outset as I am gathering information. If I aim to carry out an grand hoover or follow-up hoovers I will also monitor social media activity for useful information. If I discarded I would not be inclined to check until I decided to do a FUH. If you tried to escape me I would be checking from the off and if I was blocked this would amount to a criticism and would ignite my fury.

  7. Witches brew says:

    The best thing I ever did was perform a little manifestation/spell work to cut all energetic cords that connected us. I also cleansed myself of his toxins, and I started healing my inner child/past abuse issues. I also channeled my inner boss, and have finally accepted that I am more powerful. One thing is for sure, narcs are not immune to a little bit of hoodoo, wether they believe or not. Works every time. Never mess with gifted empaths & their witchy friends–you never know what abilities we possess and that we know how to use them. Narc will stay gone because I command it!

  8. T says:

    This post and the advice from HG’s books has taught me to NEVER contact my ex N’s again!

    There were about 5 “no caller ID” phone calls to my cell phone last week that never left a message. I was “set up” by N3 for a date via my Match account last week. After a mini investigation on the guy….I found out he and N3 had works together in the past….when I canceled the date….I never heard from him again!

    I’ve been no contact since Jan. 6th, 2016! I don’t think N3 thought I could survive this long without him!

    This is the best revenge, Ladies! Giving your ex N a taste of what their life is like without you in it is the closest these guys get to suffering! Not because they have feelings….it’s because it’s a blow to their ego that you don’t need them….and your life is just grand without them!

  9. Twinkletoes says:

    That invite was 4 months ago, why nothing since? Though the discard was ugly, I was a positively delicious source for over a decade…its perplexing. He has never gone this long NC. Maybe he is just done?

    1. malignnarc says:

      He will busy with another fuel source.We are never done Twinkletoes. He will return.

      1. twinkletoes says:

        About 3 months before that app invite I sent an email. I apologized for what happened, and told him I accepted his choice (discard/NC). Further I acknowledged I knew we could not be friends but I would still like to have peace. I ended by thanking him for his 14 years of friendship. No response until that app invite (and none since). I am still blocked on social media.

        malignnarc is it possible the app invite was his way of extending peace and nothing more?

        1. malignnarc says:

          No, we do not want peace,we want reactions Twinkletoes.

      2. twinkletoes says:

        So this was a ….benign hoover?

        Many thanks again for your books and this page. Your insight is fantastic.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Correct, albeit a very mild one. Thank you for your kind words, it is appreciated.

  10. Sheila says:

    He texted me on Mother’s Day and we’ve worked together the last two days. He’s been especially sweet and somehow got wind of something going on in my private life which caused him to go on the offensive on my behalf and informed me that I’m too nice to tell people to eff off and he’d be happy to do it for me.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Ah here comes the rescuer come to save you the victim from the unidentified yet perceived perpetrator. It’s triangulation time. Somehow I suspect though your defences will be holding.

      1. Sheila says:

        I’m rather perplexed on who he thinks is being a bother to me, so yes, I feel it’s a triangulation he’s working on. I am feeling a little blue with certain events in my personal life, which he wouldn’t know about… so unfortunately I felt the tiniest degree of inclination for a shoulder to lean on… and almost succumbed… but I have to remind myself that it’s just a brief return to the pretend golden period and the rollercoaster free fall to the bottom will follow. πŸ™

        1. malignnarc says:

          Very much the case Sheila.

          1. Sheila says:

            Wise words from the guru of Narcs, thank you the great and powerful HG!

  11. Sheila says:

    I so needed to read this today. Nearly sucked back into the abyss of the N again. T has been his very charming self again and I needed the reinforcement that it’s just a fairy tale. It was never real. I wish our work schedules didn’t overlap so much as they have recently. It’s easier to keep him out of my thoughts when he’s not there. Easier also when he wasn’t texting me πŸ™

    1. malignnarc says:

      Repeated benign hoovers eh Sheila? Is he texting you at present?

    2. nikitalondon says:

      Hi Sheila!!!!!
      You are back! See this place is the best! πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ glad it helped you!
      Send you strength to resist T. !! 🌷

      1. Sheila says:

        I’ve been popping in to read an occasional post, but haven’t commented on anything lately πŸ™‚

  12. Twinkletoes says:

    8 months post discard and NC ex sent me an invite to join a mobile app. I know this was no accident….He received notification I accepted and downloaded it and I never heard from him again. Malignnarc was he checking up on supply?

    Do you ever check up on those you discarded? I lost weight and look fantastic. now. He is still obese. How does a narc react if you best them somehow? Weight was always his issue now he looks like a pig at 300 pounds and im amazing. Would that trigger a recycle say if he were to look at my social media or just further hate?

    1. malignnarc says:

      He was checking to see if you responded and you did. Fuel for him and the knowledge that you are susceptible to a hoover.
      Do I check on those I have discarded. Of course. If I am given reason to, I will.
      If you best us we suffer criticism, this wounds us and ignites our fury. We may withdraw or strike back. It is often the case that we will look to change the battleground. We may deny your achievement, claim it is down to someone else and often we will deflect. We deflect attention away from your achievement by focusing on one of our strengths or one of your weaknesses. may look great because you have lost weight, but we are far cleverer than you. You may have a new job, but ours pays more. You have bought a new car, but is still slower than ours. You have been an exotic holiday but that doesn’t change the fact you live in a rundown area. We find someone who could be described as not particularly appealing in physical appearance as if to say that looks do not matter to us and therefore in our mind we have invalidated your achievement. We will always find away of undermining what you have achieved.
      Where this happens when the relationship has ended there is seomtimes danger that we will use your achievement to lure you back in and bask in the positive reflected fuel from this. You look fantastic, we praise you and seduce oyu once again. You look great, so we want you on our arm again so other people admire us for having acquired such a fine-looking person. Of course this will not last long and soon we will resent those admiring glances and shift the battleground.

      1. twinkletoes says:

        Well you were right H.G (as always). His lieutenant called and hung up again so I am pretty sure ex saw my social media. No B/FUH though…just an tweaking of his to best me in some area. “Sure you look amazing but Im still better than you because look at my tony digs” (that mommy and daddy bought me…if left to my own devices id be eating out of a trash can). He hasn’t updated that info in years but then again it could be a coincidence. So im a bit disappointed. Even though I know hoovers only provide fuel, contact is still somewhat of an ego validation. His fuel came only from trying to show he was still better? Are there ever instances where a reasserting your superiority is all you need? Is this similar to the borderline concept of “split black”?

        1. malignnarc says:

          We need the fuel as well. As for split black, watch out for a post tomorrow.

          1. nikitalondon says:

            Looking forward !!!!!

  13. mlaclarece says:

    The silence is most deafening and causes the most anguish and grief because I know on his end the pings keep coming throughout his day without missing a beat from his other fuel sources.
    My last tirade against him a month or so ago helped to compartmentalize my anger which rightfully so deserves thrown at him. Not festered inside me or me getting snappish and transferring on the support people around me inadvertently.
    Probably the blog that sticks with me the most that will definitely pop in my head should JN Hoover down the road, is when you wrote about meeting Leslie for lunch (It Girl). After a lengthy, enjoyable lunch and catching up while getting her to open up all again on her current life, you then go for the jugular and give her the Movie, “It” all wrapped up as a present, leaving her sobbing in the restaurant.
    JN will only pull the rug out from under me if I even attempt to call one more time. No thank you. I’d rather be safely addicted to this blog like the others, feeling my old self creeping back in and getting stronger, while engaging in healthy conversation and making a positive difference.
    Btw, weren’t you going to write a follow-up piece on Leslie and why it was she deserved getting “It”? Something involving a friend or your brother? I haven’t forgotten!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Neither have I Clarece, neither have I. I also saw what you did there.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Oh, what did I do now?? haha

  14. Just one last cigarette, one last drink, one last hit !

    An N is just an addiction, nothig more and nothing less (sorry HG) A highly addictive one admittedly !

    HG you could be ‘Nick O’Teen’ from the 1980s adverts with superman !!

    Hahhahaha I’ll be superman πŸ˜‰

    1. malignnarc says:

      I think you’ve got us muddled up there Alexis. I’m the ubermensch and besides, I don’t smoke. Filthy habit.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Agree with all πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ. And smoking is disgusting πŸ˜–πŸ˜–

    2. nikitalondon says:

      Ayyyyy how mean

      1. He knows I’m only kidding Nikita ! Obviously if I knew him in the real world I would really mean it x

        1. malignnarc says:

          Ha ha the thing is Alexis, I am closer than you realise.

          1. You know what HG ! That wouldn’t surprise me at all. Your sense of humour is surprisingly familiar πŸ˜‰

          2. malignnarc says:

            Don’t be concerned, I do not know you by sight but I meant in terms of geography. Home Counties.

          3. Hahha I’m not concerned at all HG. I wouldn’t post anything on here that I was worried about. Anyone who knows me and reads my posts would instantly know it was me πŸ˜‰

          4. So is just ignoring the question a better option ? Or denial ?

          5. Oh yer, denial makes us look guilty, I learned that very early on πŸ˜‰ when truly an innocent person wants to deny and clear their name but it makes them look guilty πŸ˜‰

          6. I’m from Liverpool x

          7. malignnarc says:

            Red or blue?

          8. Red

          9. But you’re a red too, we established that πŸ˜‰

          10. malignnarc says:

            Of course we did. Rescued by Benteke I see.

          11. Or Wenger, I know it’s. Bit odd, but I’ve always been an attention seeker πŸ˜‰

          12. malignnarc says:


          13. Wenger. I’m a gooner in Liverpool, hence the attention seeking

      2. Best watch out nikita or ………… You’ll soon be in his clasp

      3. If you didn’t grow up in the 80s in the uk, you won’t get that πŸ™‚

  15. Yea just the one time, I knew I would feel like that so I deleted his number and changed mine ! I wanted to move on and not be hanging for a text. Best thing ever, but allows you to switch off to it

    1. malignnarc says:

      Wise move Alexis. What’s your number again?

      1. My number, oh it’s 0800-QUIT

        1. malignnarc says:

          Ha ha very good. I know that number, it means Queen Until I Turn.

          1. Hahhaha that’s too funny HG !!

  16. MissSunshine says:

    And if you do speak to them on the phone, you get 2 reactions. A dressing down for outing them to someone to someone who matters to them (boss, colleague etc) usually mixed in with a bit of projection/pity play… “do you know what people are saying about me? You’re making me out to be a monster!” Followed by an emotional push-me, pull-you… “I could never hate you, I still love you, I miss you every single day” with some dramatic sniffling thrown in for extra sympathy. Your heads a mess for days, and he got his fuel. Hence why I no longer ever do phonecalls, cos he knows he can manipulate me better over the phone as opposed to text. And it boiled his blood when he realised I’ll never pick up a call from him again. Sweet. Plus… you can screenshot a text message and use it as proof when it turns nasty. πŸ™‚

  17. Bity Roll says:

    Addiction recovery is a bitch :/

    1. malignnarc says:

      Succinct and accurate.

  18. j says:

    Nah . He’s just another story I can add. Nothing special about being an asshole. Just like I’m another story. He’s not unique. He will live he will die. Just the same as everyone else. Life . It goes on. Just like your not speacial. The good thing is this life will be the same for him for you. But I can actually have enjoyment a real and honest life. Something people with this flaw will never have.

  19. survivednarc says:

    This hits very close to home. Oh lord, what a disturbing and sad read, it stirs up all those sad feelings from all those mind games… You know what was the speciality of my narcissist ex, the skill her had honed into perfection? Sending a message that seemed so urgent, and pretending that he was oh so sad and pining away for me, after I had left. And so many times, I returned his message, or even called him back….only to be met with….Yes, silence. Every.Damn.Time. Haha.
    He only wanted to see if I would get back to him… 98% of the times, he had no intention of speaking to me. Oh yes there was the 2% of those times when he actually had texted to see if we could get together. No strings attached of course.

    Thanks for this great reminder of why I must never contact Narcissist again. I am actually afraid to do so. The pain when he doesn’t reply is awful. He is blocked and will remain so. Thanks again for this article. 😊

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome SN, thanks for the post.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      Hi SN

      long time. I remember you because I once found a wonderful song in your blog.
      “When I held ya”
      Wish you well

      1. survivednarc says:

        Hey Nikita! Glad you remember me. Yes, long time indeed. I am trying to heal and focus more on myself than on narcissism, that is why I do not come here so often. I do come once in a while though cause HG is great at reminding me of all the reasons I am staying away from the narcissist. HG does write very well and makes it so that I can almost “see into” the mind of my ex narc.
        I hope you are doing well! 😊

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Good for you πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ. im glad. I am fine also. In a much better shape than back in October when I found this blog. I remember it was mainly you, Freedom, sheila, laurelwolves and me commenting everyday. From all those its just Freedom and me still often ( freedom) or daily (me) commenting.
          Good to hear from you. 🌷

  20. Lil one says:

    Like you said HG it’s all about the FUEL. The intense sweet fuel. We can all read about it in your blogs your books from your words from the narcissist mouth until the end of time but if we don’t apply this knowledge to our lives we are always going to be going around in circles with the narcissist. If we don’t stand up to them and tell them no more it’s just going to be always the same with them. And that is allowing them to manipulate control hurt all us for many years. . Why are you allowing that to happen. . Because you love him ? He doesn’t love you back . He never did . Isn’t that enough to hear ?

  21. nikitalondon says:

    Message was for Bethany.

  22. Cara says:

    I’ll stalk your social media, cursing that red-headed slut who smiles in the pictures with you…What’s she got better than me, any goddamn way? I’ll think about calling or writing you a letter, I’ll think about forgiving you (not because you deserve it, but because I deserve to forgive you in order to move on with MY life in a healthy manner), and then I’ll call you that one time…if you take my call, I’ll hear your voice & it’ll be like none of the bad stuff happened, I’ll forget about forgiving you, forget you ever did anything to be forgiven for, I’ll remember everything that’s perfect about you & I won’t mention the red-head. I’ll come to you when you say just beca-oh fuck no, I’m not disappearing down this rabbit hole again, you play with Miss Fire Crotch from your Facebook page, I’m not calling you. You’re obviously just fine without me, & I’ve had enough shit for one lifetime.

  23. bethany7337 says:

    How do you know this is exactly what we go through? The ping ping marathon that is relentless in our churning mind as we reel in that state of purgatory before redemotion comes? That blows me away that you are aware of this mental agony and all the various tormenting negotiations between our heart and our head. I wonder how you cannot feel how painful this really is.

    I no longer look for hiss messages. Now when I wake up, I check my phone to see if I am waking up to your latest blog post. With eager anticipation, I wait while my mobile phone loads that hellish and fiery EVIL title page and I quickly scroll down hoping for a new tale to soak up like a thirsty sponge. I am aware that this addiction to reading your books and blog is teetering on reinforcing the trauma bond that remains between he and I. I tell myself I have read all I need to know, that it’s time to clear my mind, heart and body of the word narcissist. But then there it is, Yiur latest post. So I ask myself, what’s the harm? I can read it…just one more time.

    1. malignnarc says:

      I know because several of my articulate victims have told me this is how they felt. I know because I purposefully asked my victims what it was like when we were apart in order to try to understand so that I would not do it again. I actually wanted them to tell me for fuel and to improve my machinations. I know because I have had it said to me many times. I cannot feel it because it does not happen to me, nor can I feel it, but I can understand it. I always want to understand.
      Your second paragraph is excellent on numerous levels. I do like you Bethany.

      1. bethany7337 says:

        Just pondered your reply whilst on my morning power walk. As I exchanged polite greetings to the occasional passerby, I wondered if any of these random strangers carried with them any haunting thoughts or residue from an entanglement with a Narcissist. Recovery can be a lonely path indeed.

        I find it interesting that you cannot feel but you can understand your Empaths pain and that we Empaths feel your pain but do not understand your responses. Hence on some cosmic and even spiritual level we fit perfectly into one another’s pieces like a jigsaw puzzle. Alas,
        Two halves do not a whole make.

        Thank you…and likewise, HG. Will you miss me when I’m gone?

        1. malignnarc says:

          We are irresistibly drawn to one another.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      This was excellent I have to say too !

    3. Lilly says:

      “Now when I wake up, I check my phone to see if I am waking up to your latest blog post. With eager anticipation, I wait while my mobile phone loads that hellish and fiery EVIL title page and I quickly scroll down hoping for a new tale to soak up like a thirsty sponge. I am aware that this addiction to reading your books and blog is teetering on reinforcing the trauma bond that remains between he and I.”

      I was wondering about this myself. Pouring over these posts, applying every word to my past relationships. Also, feeling a distinct, familiar rush when I saw my comment had been replied to by HG himself…Am I just replacing one N for another, one that’s distant and able to be delivered in safer dosages? Like a nicotine patch, or methadone clinic?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        There is logic in what you write Lilly. The process has two key differences. Firstly, this N is providing you with understanding. The previous one did not. Secondly, as you identify it is delivered in safer dosages, far safer. The electronic wall between you and I allows you access but prevents ensnarement. Oh actually there is a third difference – nicotine patches and methadone or substitutes for the real thing. I am better than the real thing.

  24. nikitalondon says:

    This post brought tears to my eyes. I dont look for any answers from any of my exes anymore. AT ALL !!!
    All the answers I needed I found here and with SV and the answers towards me I found in Ross Rossemberg. Answers were found Specially here and for me here stems the greatness of this blog and the books, besides the fact that HG has a special and magnificent way of writing that also brought reading pleasure.
    This is why despite the pain and memories there will not be this last time, not this last ring. If it would have not been for this blog I think I would still be trapped in the seesaw I climbed up in Jan 2014 because although the theory and following RR has been invaluable without this blog I would have not understood why if I gave my life and whole heart to a person, supressing all needs and myself It had to hurt like it did.

    The pain is not unberable anymore, not when I look back and I remember the pain of the games played. Its pain but one that I can stand and forget about when I engage my head with something else.
    The pain of the games played would keep me crying through the night for weeks or even a month.

    Despite this pain that I felt in the past and despite of the memory pain that can come by when something reminds me of their existance I do not see any of my exes as disgusting creatures but as human beings that have a relationship problem.This is why no other narcissistic site would have helped because besides SV, HG or psychopathfree.org site, I feel all others are full of hatred and degrade the narcissist to animal or non human being. This does not bring me any understanding.

    Instead I pray for them that they can find the fuel they need to keep them going in a good shape and I pray for me that I find finally for once in my lifetime a relationship that will not hurt, that will not end up in pain.

    thankyou HG for this great posting.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thank you Nikita, I can taste the emotion in your post.

  25. Sarah Neary says:

    Put like that the victim appears pathetic, and in an insanity of there own after conditioning !!!
    It doesn’t feel like at the time though, that’s the problem, there a deep seated need to have answers to enable you to climb out of limbo !!!
    BUT the lightbulb goes off and with educating yourself you see the N as the truly disgusting creature he / she is and thinking back it was repitation every morning same text the honest I use to get bored but still missed it effort it left !!!
    There is an empowerment which comes and the ability to see other N whilst they prowl for there next victims !!!
    Saw one in action today at the gym first stages love bombing a much older woman who was flattered I felt sick !!! – I looked at him to signal you BEAST, poor woman lapped the attention up but she hadn’t got s clue what her ego going to get her in to, insanity distress heartbreak and abandonment, no thanks I’ll take a coffee instead !!! Never never again the creep who was my N makes my skin crawl !!!!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Sarah, yes when you read it with hindsight it does appear ridiculous and pathetic but that is the state that you are driven to. That need for answers is something we know you require because of who you are and something we will not provide (although we may promise to do so) in order to get you to provide us with fuel once again. Once you understand what you are dealing with and what has happened it takes you forward considerably.
      Did you feel any compulsion to tell the older lady what was happening to her? (I have written down on a piece of paper what I think your answer will be so I will be interested to receive it)

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