10 Social Media Mind Games

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Social media is a substantial weapon in our arsenal of manipulation. Invariably, our selection of targets and the courting of the same will begin either through social media or if that is not the starting place, we will use social media as a device to aid and progress our seduction of you. From mining your online profiles for the purposes of gathering information about you which we can then use to maximise the prospects of successfully seducing you through to utilising the pervasiveness and flexibility social media affords to maintain our love bombing campaign. At the outset we probably sourced a half a dozen prospects including you, our tendrils reaching out through the electronic highways until we settled on you as our primary source. Once secured, we then allowed the width and depth of social media to expand the blazing glory of the golden period. How exciting was it to wake up and wonder what we had posted to your wall? How exhilarating was it to see our liking of your tweet and the subsequent re-tweet to our own followers? It became addictive, the frequent checking of your various social media profiles to see what delightful comments had been strewn across them by us. Of course, we would never shirk the opportunity to use the power of social media to devalue you and harness it for the purposes of smearing you to all and sundry. There is however a period of time that lies between the seduction and the out and out devaluation. It is a period of uncertainty, confusion and worry. It is hinterland beyond the wonderful golden period and outside of the scathing and savage devaluation. We revel in this ambiguous period since the plausible deniability that accompanies it allows us to plant those seeds of doubt in your mind so that you begin to think that it is you and not us that is the problem. You are forced to over-analyse, speculate and waste countless hours wondering what our intentions are. We have been so loving to you, so surely this behaviour cannot be what you fear it is, a dimming of that desire, a passing of the passion and a limiting of our love for you? No, after all the wonderful things that we have said, especially plastered over social media so many times, these recently odd activities cannot mean we have grown tired of you can they? You do not want to worry but you cannot help but do so because something is not right. You are fearful of mentioning your concerns to us as you do not wish to be seen as insecure but these actions are troubling you. Are you reading something into them that is not there? Are you over-reacting to them? After all, it is not as if we are directly writing something that is hurtful are we? Or are we? It is this uncertainty that serves us well in the provision of fuel. Furthermore, should you challenge us we can brush your concerns to one side with ease which will only serve to increase your apprehension. This tactic then paves the way for us to press forward without our devaluation of you, secure in our knowledge that you are now feeling vulnerable, that you are unsure of what to think at best and at worst you believe you are seeing things which are not there. This period of uncertainty which we cultivate and engender through social media is a purposeful step towards your devaluation. It is calculated to serve us.

Be warned; should you see these signs then understand that your devaluation is on its way and we are merely preparing the ground for the next stage in your ongoing and painful dance with us. Do not seek to find an innocent explanation should you witness these in action. Expect the brush-off from us and to be mocked for being worried, but worry you should. These are clear indicators of our calculated attempt to mess with your mind, using social media, before your devaluation begins. Here are ten ways in which we will do this.

 

  1. Frequent likes on somebody else’s profile

 

Invariably this will be somebody of the opposite sex who you do not know and have not met. There will not be any comments from us – not yet – but a plethora of likes will appear on that person’s posts from us. Each picture they post will receive a thumbs up, a star or a heart from us, their comments or tweets, no matter how mindless, trivial or banal will have our indicator of approval. Indeed, as you scroll through this person’s output (and we know you will be looking) you will be hard pressed to find any post which does not bear our mark. This person may indeed be in the early stages of our cultivation as your replacement or it just may be a simple triangulation, but either way you ought not to underestimate the impact of those likes.

 

  1. Removing your tagging of us

This is not a wholesale removal of ourselves from being identified on your Facebook page. We will not request the removal of those photographs including us or of us alone. That is saved until later. Instead there will be one or two removals of the tags so you are left wondering whether it was done by mistake (which of course we will reassure you that it was the case should you actually dare to ask us) or if there is something else behind it. It will one or two removed today, then another couple in a few days’ time and then some more as the trickle becomes a flow. This will engender a sense of apprehension in you which will have you checking your profile to ensure that there have not been any more tag removals. You will be relieved when there have not been and dismayed when more happen but each time the removal is small in number as we deploy our well-honed salami-slicing technique once again. This will keep you in the zone of it being too small to make a fuss about but not insignificant so it preys on your mind.

 

  1. Block then unblock

It maybe for an hour, possibly half a day but never any longer. This is done to create alarm and consternation as you wonder why this has happened. If you happen to raise it with us we will express surprise and suggest a glitch in the system or it must have happened by accident and re-instate you with a smile and a patronising look. Usually you will sit fretting over it, wondering what it signals. Is it a mistake or is this a sign of something bad? You don’t want to necessarily raise it with us as this may make it seem you are always checking our relevant social media platform and so you endure an hour or so of repeated checking and nervousness until a huge flood of relief when you find you have been unblocked. That sense of relief is overwhelming and is part of tightening our grip on you by giving you a first taste of the roller coaster to come.

  1. Look who’s back

You have noticed that we have recently followed or friended an ex. An alarm bell starts to ring. Why have we done this? This was the ex who was labelled as a stalker and a lunatic, who we warned you about and now we are friends with them on the relevant form of social media. What is that all about? You want to ask but you do not want to appear insecure or suggest you feel threatened, but you are and you are caught between (and this is what all of these machinations seek to do) needing to know and not wanting to show you are actual bothered by this development (because it might be something minor) even when you are. There are no messages between us and the ex, no interaction whatsoever, but who came after who? Did they send a friend request to us or was it the other way round? We both follow one another on Twitter – who initiated it? The questions form and race around your mind.

  1. Message in the night

You awaken and check through the overnight postings on Facebook et al and notice that we were last on-line, according to messenger, 4 hours ago, but that was at 3am. What were we doing up at that time and more to the point, who were we talking to? The reality is we may well have not been talking to anybody but we decided to set the alarm, wake and create the appearance of having been doing something in the expectation that you will notice and subsequently become unnerved and suspicious at this development which then happens for the next few nights running before halting. Do you mention it? What was going on? Can you raise it with us or do you risk being accused of stalking our movements? What’s the matter with you? Do you not trust us or something?

 

  1. Nostalgia

You notice that we occasionally send messages, post or comment to a particular person along these lines.

“Hi, remember this one (insert YouTube link to song)”

“This was great back in the day wasn’t it (cue picture of an album cover)”

“We should go and see them again like old times (insert picture of link for ticket sales for upcoming concert)”

Who is this person? We have never mentioned them before and you thought you knew about our past. Why are we suggesting doing things with them and evoking old memories? Are we just friends or is there something else going on?

 

  1. Meme blast

There is a sudden upsurge in postings which contain supposedly deep messages or retweeting the pseudo-philosophical output of a Twitter user about love and relationships. The memes and announcements appear to have our endorsement by reason of our posting them or retweeting them. Such examples would include: –

“I am not alone but I feel so lonely.”

“Don’t worry if you are single, God is looking at you right now saying I am saving you for someone special.”

“Trust is like a paper, once it is crumpled it cannot be perfect again.”

You’ve seen many of these cluttering up timelines before but why have we started sharing them? Are we directing them at you or someone else? Have you done something wrong? What has brought this on?

 

  1. Missing in Action

There was a time when you would always enjoy the fact that after each time we did something together there would be reference to it on social media. We would check in at a particular restaurant and tag you as being there with us. We would make reference to the weather being particularly delightful at some picturesque location and make mention of you. Later on you would look back at this pleasant reminders of a special time together and also, admit it, you wanted the world to know about it too. All of a sudden we go out together but there is nothing posted. It happens again. Even worse when you make mention of it, you notice it does not appear on our timeline as we have changed our settings so that it has to be approved by us first before being seen by other people. Why have we done this? Do we not want people to know about you? Are we ashamed of you all of a sudden? Are we hiding you from someone else?

 

  1. We didn’t mention it

You spoke to us earlier and we explained we were having a quiet night in watching a film. Browsing through social media you see Instagram pictures of us enjoying a night on the tiles. We never mentioned that earlier. Perhaps we changed our minds? Maybe we got a last minute invitation? What if it was planned and we chose not to mention it? Surely we didn’t forget about it? Perhaps we didn’t want you to know, but if that was the case why are we plastering the night out all over social media? By the time this happens a third and fourth time your suspicions are causing you considerable concern.

 

  1. Misinformation

We post a comment or reply to a tweet you have directed to us with something that does not make sense. It does not follow in respect of what you have written. This non-sequitur has you puzzled. Why did we do that? Then it dawns on you. It must have been meant for someone else. The content of the message will hint at something which could be of concern – “ha ha yes it was brilliant” – what was brilliant? Did we spend the night with someone else? Did we go somewhere with somebody? Who was it? Then again, it might be innocent. Perhaps it refers to the recent football match we went to with our friends or perhaps something we watched on television, but it has unsettled you. Of course there was no message meant for anyone else, we just posted this comment or reply to make you think that it was meant for someone else in order to increase your paranoia.

 

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88 thoughts on “10 Social Media Mind Games”

  1. Yes yes yes… Experienced pretty much everything described above. Except G was pretty much a control freak about tagging and privacy settings from the beginning. And conditioned me to ask permission from the beginning.

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    1. Tough call… but even with his liking of other women’s photos or posts, what got to me the most was his lack of going public with me, or rather us. Because I would have been a lot more secure in these “innocent” flirtations if G had been proud to go public with us.
      As I’ve described elsewhere, there was only one very brief period early on (not golden period but the first reinstatement…or maybe Grand Hoover) when I was allowed (yes, “allowed”, but on my fb page, not his) to PUBLICLY post photos of us on vacation (business trip for him with me tagging along, to be accurate) AND tag him in the photos. He was less restrictive about my posting on ig, but still never allowed to tag him in ig photos EVEN WHEN HE WAS IN THEM.
      There were a few other vacations when I was allowed to post and tag photos of us on fb, but only privately so my friends and his friends (and I’m sure he must have restricted lists of “friends”) could see.
      Based on bits and pieces I’ve put together- mainly after finding this blog- I strongly suspect the public fb display was aimed at his ex.
      So to answer your question I guess that falls mostly under tagging?

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      1. I suspected it would be the tagging,I think that often strikes at making a person feel persona non grata, would you agree Cody? Thanks for responding.

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  2. All tactics that are meant to blow the other person`s mind, cause chaos and devastation and of course, inflict maximum damage.

    I love the fact that you are using GIFs now and I find your use of this particular one especially brilliant and fitting!

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  3. Yes its true this can make crazy anybody. I would say concentrate in the relationship itself and not on social media because it can lead to misunderstandings…
    My social media is directed to one person and just one person at the moment ❤️❤️❤️. I never thought tweeter could be so amazing ❤️❤️🌔

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    1. Hi Nikita, this sounds wonderful, do you have a new boyfriend? I know you ended your relationship with an N around same time I did. I hope you haven’t found yourself another one. Or is it HG, I know you were set on being his dance partner when I was last On The blog. I am just teasing I know it wouldn’t be HG.
      I have been dealing with issues with same person and gone no contact again. I hope your new boyfriend is good to you and definitely not a narcissist.. I am remaining single till I heal from this damaging relationship.
      Social media is damaging to relationships, when one partner uses it to make the other jealous or feel less wanted. I above seen it cause issue in many a relationship, including mine.

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      1. Hello MS
        You are back with another name!
        Hope that nevertheless the hoovering of your ex you have been doing fine otherwise.
        Yes I do remember the situation of your ex and my ex back in January.
        I have really kept no comtact and so like HG says he is been nowhere to be seen.
        Some short time ago I came out of the fog and realized many manipulations that I had not really seen before.. I saw like all his life was based on manipulating people.. Very highly skilled so I am blessed to have him far. When somebody hurts another intentionally, this is a powerful sign. At least for me. Hurtful words.. Another sign..
        Anyway.,
        The new person is very special ❤️❤️❤️ Yes. My heart cant focus anymore if he is an N or not.. I just see the signs of recovery from my side and his side..
        A strong will to work thinks out.. Living on a dream for which I wait patiently ❤️.
        Its not the fairytale you imagine.. Its not rose color but it is there and it makes my heart beat fast … 💓💓. My life brighter ☀️..
        I prefer to keep the identity to my self 😋…
        And if it would be HG I would feel very lucky if it would be HG. 😍😍.
        I have my reasons to say that.. Maybe you understand them maybe not
        Wish you well in your healing and recovery. 🌷

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      2. Nikita, that comment has worried me now for you. I thought this was a man you know in real life, can I ask how long have you been having an online “realtionship” with him? If over a month and you have not met In person yet, this is a huge red flag. Please tell me you at least know what this man looks like, you have face timed or skyped or video chatted with him since starting relationship? I do not mean just talked on the phone, or messaged or voice chat. I ask you those questions, as I am concerned if you have not yet met In person, have not seen what this man looks like, you need to ask yourself why is that? Please indulge me out of concern and worry. This might get wordy, as I tend to ramble. So apologies in advance.

        My ex used various online aliases to procure his victims, when I caught him he bragged how easy it was to dupe women by showing women what ever photo he chose to pretend that he looked like. He admitted some women actually knew who he really was. if this man, which I highly doubt he would be as that would be too coincidental and you are in Germany, right? But, if he is British, 6′. 2″ blue eyes, short medium color hair, Intelligent, witty, knowledgeable on almost every topic of conversation, especially music, art, literature and Medieval history. Has a child like sense of fun and uses lots of emoticons when messaging. Uses music as a seductive tool, uses silent treatments like he is buttering toast.. The list is endless….I am informed and have witnessed he is on prowl again and racking up more appliances on line to feed the void I after left him before he could institute his next silent treatment and devaluation.
        Please always know, Nikita, words are meaningless unless backed up by actions. If someone claims to love you, then they must show it as well. I am not saying this man,nor are many men this way. But You are vulnerable emotionally and men can hone in on this to take advantage of someone who needs to be loved. There is no end to their cruelty and harm. If I were you I would push for a meeting, if you have seen what this man looks like already and I don’t mean by a dubious photo that he claims to be him. I mean seen him in real time on the Internet. Than that alleviates some worry.
        You deserve a real man In Your life that can sleep beside you, kiss you, hold your hand. Not a man telling you he is single and making you promises only later to find out he is In a long term relationship with another woman and nevr had any desire to ever really be with you. Believe me my ex duped many, of course none of them knew I existed. You were just a fuel provider to him, pumping out words of love, devotion and admiration to feed his ego. The Promsie of being loved does not equal the actuality of having love. Do not allow any man to rob you of having a genuine and real love for a fake Internet affair.
        .Please be wary, if he has not met you In person, rethink this relationship and soon. If I am wrong in all this, I apologize.
        I wish you genuine happiness. That is what we all deserve. My hope is that this is real, he is not an Internet predator that uses online forums and social media to attract his prey with promises of affection and a life together. If you are happy to never meet this man and never know who he really is and only have an online affair. Then that is okay, if it is what you chose. But if you want more, then you must be proactive and assert your rights and needs. I believe in past you said you only had relationships with narcissists, right? Then if you are seeking another narcisisist to complete you. If this man turns out to be one, it won’t disappoint you. But if he turns out to be using you to fill his own needs with no intention of meeting yours, it will hurt you deeply.
        Sorry, I wrote so much. My intuition was flaring immensely. Not sure if other readers have the same sense upon reading as well. I pick up on certain types of energies rather quickly. To clarify, I don’t think my ex is this man. I just wanted to put it out there again after so many months to all readers, really. He seeks out empathetic types. But, who knows anymore, I guess It would depend on what social media form you met him. I feel warning is fair, this man destroyed my soul and my notion of love forever. So much so I am now denying Myself the possibility of such and staying with the notion long instilled by my mother.
        I encourage you to pursue love as you do, as this is what makes you happy. Just be mindful and aware along the way. Then Shall will be well.
        Sorry, this looks like a novel. I had lots of racing thoughts to purge and I do tend to overwrite at the best of times.

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      3. Hi jana

        Sorry I did just see this message now.
        Thanks for your concerns. I have not met him yet nor made internet camera chats ( i hate that) but he said we would soon meet, so I am waiting. He is very special to me so I can wait. I dont believe he is in a comitted relationship… I believe what he has told me that he is divorcing but not finished…
        He also interested in meeting me.. So I dont see why he would not.. Im no criminal 😂😂 nor a danger …
        You ask too many questions 😂😂😂
        You want to see if its your ex?? He is british and has blue eyes … Could also be HG. 😂😂😂.
        What if its your ex?? Is he really that bad?
        This would be a catastrophe as Im dreamlove 😍

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      4. Thanks Nikita, hope you do plan to meet soon.i hope he is not my ex or HG tbh…as my ex has only been so for two weeks, so that would be disturbing and we were not married, nor was he.
        Were you joking when you said is he that bad….I hope so….as I gave this man four years of my life and he destroyed me emotionally. So, yes, I was I love with him and he destroyed all notions of such for me, not to mention the emotional and mental anguish. So, in my books, that is bad. I posted his name in the blog numerous times as well. I said I dint think it would be him btw. Yes, HG and him are doppelgänger in many ways.
        A dream love is wonderful to have, as long as it isn’t a fantasy.
        I do ask lots of questions to everyone, it is my nature. Sorry, it is almost instinctual. Thank you for answering. I just saw red flags waving on Internet predators and wanted you to be wary. It is true not all men are deceivers and manipulators. I would nevr paint them out to be.
        I was not worried for him, I was worried for you, Nikita.

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      5. Hi Jana.
        Thanks alot for all your words. No I was not jokimg when I asked you because at that time you did not give me the impressiom it was that destructful. In fact you gave me the idea you wanted him back… But i could have misunderstood.
        Never saw his ( your ex) name neither Jana.
        Time will tell if dreams come true or not.. I take life as it comes and I am not thinking what if this and what if that and what if he is lyimg.. I trust by default … So I will see ..
        Of course I would prefer to see him tomorrow or that he would have joined me for vacations but it is like it is.. I take what I have

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      6. You are right Niki, when I was in here four months ago and he had yet to Hoover me, I was still in love with him as I suppose I still hoped he was not an N and he had not spent almost four years deceiving me. But, everything I learned here only served to prove what he is and all the more. I had hoped we could adjust relationship according to his narcisissm, but he refused to admit anyhting and became resentful and more secretive and verbally abusive. He is not the physical abusive type, I will add. I suppose if I was able to out up and shut up and be a complaint fuel supply, that allows him to make all the decisions and nevr ask a question or had my own mind, it might have worked, but that isn’t me, I did love him very much. I won’t deny that or lie and say I didn’t. But, I am important.
        I am always thinking and questioning, I have an intuition that barks at me and I obey that, he probally wished I obeyed him the same way 😏
        Yes, we have to be who we are, I agree and we need to be accepted for who and how we are. I accepted him, he did not accept me as I am. In such, there is hope, when only one is willing to try and accept.
        Keep hoping and dreams and your one day will be here with you sooner then you think.

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    2. Yes, I was on back in February and March, under my MN name for me Kara and then as my own name Jana. It changed to this one when I went off WordPress in March. It seemed and still seems rather applicable. Plus, I realized perhaps it wasn’t wise using my real name on such sites. Especially when he hoovered me the day after I posted on this blog I had a date.
      Yes, I understand not saying who your new relationship is. For privacy reasons. Mind you I plastered both my exes name in here as warning in case others were conned by those men too. I am so pleased to hear your ex N has not disturbed you and has left you to some peace. Always be wary, that a Hoover is possible.
      It is always best when meeting someone to stay clear of online dating and social media, as men tend to misrepresent themselves through these forums. They put off meeting women with a multitude of excuses and enough sweetness to keep them holding on and interested and providing fuel. My ex did this to numerous women online( which I found out through my clever detective work), promises of meeting and a life together, when through it all, he nevr met one of them in real life. He just strung them along for his own sexual and Ego fuel gratification. I am glad you have someone that is real and in real life that you can spend your days with, do activities together and even spend family time together with your children.
      I understand what you mean about being an N or Not. It is impossible to gage at times and it would drive one mad trying to ascertain and then miss out of the enjoyment of having a relationship. The most important thing is being treated with respect. Not being ignored and taken for granted. Plus, you know the signs of abuse and would leave relationship for sake of yourself and children.
      That is wonderful and brave to start again. I do not have such strength. I have much to give another person. I just cannot trust my judgement or my heart any longer. Maybe one day for me. Love is no longer on my wish list, so to speak. I am seeking something else more akin to acceptance and understanding that forms the basis of love. I am focusing in me, not men.
      I wish you love for the future and happiness and your own healing.

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      1. You know this song “somewhere out there” … Thats my song.. Because even the most beautiful happenings start with a dream 🌔❤️

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      2. Yes that is beautiful song Nikita, James Ingram and Linda Ronstadt, a hopeful and romantic song❤️ Not to be a naysayer, but sometimes even the most beautiful dreams can end in nightmares. Let us wish for only joyful dreams to come this way. It is Good to be hopeful and have dreams. My dream is for lasting serenity and self love.

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      3. Glad you’re back MS, I check in from time to time and had wondered whatever happened to you…. HG’s blogs are like the reason I gave up my subscription to The NewYorker magazine, it comes every week ( in hg’s case every day ) and happily I’m too busy to keep up…
        But I did want to say you are spot on with your warnings to Nikita, I read some of her posts and do get worried for her-
        Nikita you are so sweet and trusting and we all know that can make you a Sitting Target…..
        ( and if it IS HG and you hurt her, I will find you and make you hurt even worse- you taught me how)

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      4. Bless you GG, thank you for your confirmation. I had hoped it wasn’t only me and I believe as a community we need to watch our sisters and brothers backs, so to speak. Far too many in life seem to care only for themselves, this group here is very compassionate and kind to the choices and concerns that travail our lives.
        I am pleased to be back, Hg and other posters have helped me tremendously in the past become more cognizant of narcissism and how it negatively effects myself through the people that attach to me.
        You made me laugh about the New Yorker subscription. Humor is a Godsend.
        Nikita had stated it was not HG and we will have to take her at her word, I would think that if it was she would no longer frequent the blog out of conflict of interest, et cetera. As HG is the consummate professional, correct HG? We only care Nikita and know you would do the same for us in similar situation. It is always better to care for another’s well being, then not.
        I like those warrior words, GG. narcs either break us. Or recreate us. Let us hope for the latter in each instance.

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      5. It is my hope that it would be dealt with off of the blog if something progresses or becomes an issue as I find it becomes a negative distraction and off putting to the daily blog with its content and message. Just my 2 cents having been a loyal reader since day 1.

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  4. Yes, this speaks to some of the reasons I am against how social media is changing the landscape of our means to connecting to our humanity in healthy ways.

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      1. Dear Nikita,
        I am very glad to hear that you have met someone new, and that you are happy and dancing on the bright side of life! 🌼🍀🌞

        Just hoping with all my heart that you are not romantically involved with HG. That would be an utterly cruel and exploitative move on his part, and lead to a terrible crash-down for you, eventually. I truly hope that you are not falling for that type of delusion.

        All the best & have a great weekend! xx

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  5. HG, when you write your “24 Hours in the Life of a Narcissist” book, could you please expand on #1 – and what you’re thinking while you do that?

    Would love to know what you’re thinking about the old supply as you fav the potential new supply’s posts, etc.

    Are you reading what the old “appliance” :\ is posting on their FB account to get your attention?
    Or are they just out of your mind completely during this devaluation/triangulation phase?

    Brilliant post. One of my favorites. I’ll be reading this post again and again. 🙂

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    1. Hello Hope, thank you and yes I have made a note to expand on what you have requested when I next continue work on 24 Hours.
      I will have a look at the old appliance’s social media as there may be some further drops of fuel to be had there as well as keeping an eye out for any transgressive behaviour which needs to be stamped out. After that I focus on the new primary source but have a lieutenant keep a watchful eye on the old appliance with the brief to update me of any meaningful developments which might be exploited.
      Glad you enjoyed the post.

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      1. How much does this “lieutenant” know about the situation and your intentions? It’s a bizarre request to ask of a friend, even if you didn’t make it sound insidious. How do you pull that off?

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      2. Hello The Pan, it varies from Lt to Lt. Some can be told outright what is needed and placed in a context (generated by me) they entirely agree that this action must be taken. In other instances, a different reason and complexion is applied for the purposes of securing the compliance of the Lt.

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  6. I know I don’t need to coach the master on how to manipulate his fuel sources, which is good because I would hate to be helping you perfect your art, but yes, HG. Persona non grata is an understatement. Manipulation through social media tagging (and the rules for doing so) will is a brilliant and remarkably easy way to make us feel like shiitake mushrooms. 😉

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  7. G doesn’t have a Facebook account or any other Social media attached to his name… He told me he can barely use his IPhone correctly 😂and used to have me forward or attach things to an email for him…. He even has my daughter forward texts ,and oops, she conveniently gets to have a look at a text message from a woman calling him “handsome ” .” Oh, please disregard that previous text, just look at the one under it!” All a message he is hoping gets back to Mama ( lucky me) … Yawn….. My text messages are much more interesting..😊 He’s a ” creeper” I’m sure… His social media and everything else, all hidden…

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  8. I find this article difficult and personal to be honest. So will try to detach emotion from commentary. It seems to be used to punish many a time, or as you said during seduction and following. I would says songs predominantly, when pleased with me or displeased at me. The tone was apparent by the song he posted to my fb wall or his own. The not replying to just my comments and replying to everyone else’s, isolation tactic. The delete and blocking when I said something he didn’t like, like how was your day, seriously that was deemed a loaded question, which do,loved with, why can’t you trust me? Which my question was being thoughtful. The over liking of posts and photos during seduction , then when devaluing liking only other women’s photos and posts and not mine. Thusly, claiming he didn’t know I posted. Social media was a game to him and he okay ex it and his appliances quite well, I must say.
    He still does. He uses social media to collect his unsuspecting victims. I found several fake accounts and addressed them with him. Silent treatment imposed, two months sentence.
    I never used social media to herald our relationship, I believe such things don’t need to be broadcast, it is better in private to profess undying affections. We dedicated songs and certain things to each other, but it wasn’t overt and in all our friends faces. The passion was for us, not the public. They didn’t need to know I loved him completely or he loved me.( well as.an N…loved my fuel) That need is more self serving then directed towards your partner I think.

    Social media is a wonderous thing for connecting with others, but it can be quite damaging to all types of relationships as well.

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    1. I agree with pretty much everything you wrote, Miss S.
      My name is Cody, and I’m a social media addict.
      I hate that I’m so addicted. There have been times when I go cold turkey. Okay, not really. But when I am getting a silent treatment and I sink into a depression, I lose all interest in posting photos, quotes, links to articles- even the oh so labor intensive act of liking a friend’s photo is too much. (Plus I cannot bear to celebrate their happy lives when my boyfriend is off screwing someone else.). But you can bet I’m stalking his fb newsfeed and the pages of his newest female “friends” or those whose photos he’s liked recently or really anytime since we first got involved. (I keep a list of all their names. Yes, it’s sick I know.). My closest friends I can tell are sick of my analyzing everything he said and did, and they have pretty much stopped “doing research” on my behalf (because I can’t let him or these women know that I’ve been stalking them!)
      I know how pathetic this all is, really I do. But I just. Can’t. Stop. And G definitely picked up on this about me right away and has brilliantly used it to torture me. I am embarrassed to admit how much the public acknowledgement of my being chosen and loved by a man means to me, and if I could afford a therapist I know she would find a lot of stuff about daddy issues, codependency, maybe even some borderline thrown in. But since I can’t afford a therapist, I will continue to rely on HG and my friends here to help at least give me a reality check. 🙂

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      1. Your searing honesty is both admirable and a shining example of precisely the state of mind we look to engender in people. Thank you for posting that Cody.

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      2. Yes, Cody, I hear you and understand what and why you do such things. They drive one mad with worry and doubt and the need to know. I am a questioner, I require answers to understand. He would shut me down and make me feel guilt for questioning even the simplest of things, he would feign ignorance to how social media worked or the privacy aspect of things. I do believe he actually believed I was unaware, often I just let him believe it. I gathered my facts and then presented them to him. He admitted it then and didn’t talk to me for weeks or months for the wounding criticism of his lie being exposed. Of course, it was my fault, not his. He forte was blame and punishment and subsequent abandonment. He knew how best to negatively effect me, I showed him my weakness over time. He aptly utilized his skills upon me and the fact I loved him. Love is a weapon in such hands.

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      3. Thanks for your honesty Cody! That’s much appreciated.

        By admitting your addiction here, you have already taken the first step on the path of healing. It’s not a walk in the park, but it can be done.

        Participating in 12-Step Meeting like Codependents Anonymous (CoDa), Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.) or Sex Addicts Anonymous (S.A.) or similar self-help Groups could be helpful. You
        can google their meetings. And they are all over the globe – and for free:-)

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  9. HG, Do you utilize all forms of social media to entice your prey ? Which one is your most lucrative for attracting targets?
    What do you make of his use of songs throughout the seduction, devaluation and Hoover stages, there was no discard by him?
    Looking for your valuable insight. Thank you.

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    1. Almost all of the mainstream ones yes, although I don’t bother with Snapchat that is for children.
      Facebook is because of the amount of information that is displayed on it.
      I have written about the use of songs on several occasions, they are a key part of our manipulative repertoire and it is not surprising that he made full use of them.

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      1. Totally agree with snapchat… My daughter and her teenage friends use that intensively.. Dont know yet one adult having snapchat 😳😳

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      2. I agree Nikita, I don’t “get” it although I do know two adults who use it but when I ask them why they cannot give me any credible explanation.

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      3. Yes, I had asked you to write a blog post ages ago on how the narcissist uses music on his victims. I will have to search for those titles and read them. That pleases me you wrote them, thank you. Sadly, I wasn’t here to read them. Music is very meaningful to me, it was a huge connection between him and I. Music has healing components and with an N, they turn that into eventual hurt, with the everpresence we experience by certain songs we hear and thusly feel them ( the N ) all over again in Our hearts and minds. The happy, in the sad.
        Thank you HG. Have a lovely day.

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      4. Don’t go knocking Snapchat! Lol. It can be fun with your closest friends when you want to post an inside joke or something a touch off- color that you don’t want the fellow school parents, co-workers or dance moms to see. I would think that that element would entice you getting that little ghost notification pop up on your screen. Who knows what you may get to see for 8 seconds, then poof…gone! Haha

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  10. Woh, that’s an intense puff and go on her head or is it another one of my wild imagination? Social media, hyped of manipulation, emotions picked on deeply and I concur.

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  11. Yes, experienced no. 5 (online late in the night) thingy. N wasn´t on FB or Twitter or whatsoever, only on WhatsApp and a dating site. He left that dating site after a while when we were `together´, but this was only temporary. And I have no idea what he did on other dating sites or via WhatsApp contacts behind my back – surely, he found some sort of replacement channel to act out on his “sexting addiction” undetected. At that stage, he didn´t want me to think he was still sexting to other women. But later, he didn´t care any more and immediately set up a new profile on the same dating site, with the same critera (some of them totally fake and lies, such as his age). It hurt so much that he instantly looked for new supply by using the same criteria I had obviously matched when we started dating: “sexy, intelligent, imaginative.” Sic!

    I never knew whether the online-late-in-the-night-but-not-with-me was done deliberately for triangulation purposes, or in a thoughtless way in order to satisfy his basic need for fuel (contacting new supply and constantly exchanging sexually charged, wordly messages with mutiple women simultaneously). There was a point where I addressed the issue and told him that it made me feel strange that he would talk to whomever it was in the middle of the night (I didn´t ask for names or why, only expressed my discomfort). Of course, he did not stop this behaviour and did not deliver any explanations, nothing to make me feel more secure or special. He certainly thought that he was entitled to sext other women, share his bed with his ex when she visited him, and use me as an “Übergangsobjekt” (transitional object).

    When we finally talked in person (after 1.5 years of not seeing in other face-to-face), and he claimed that losing me had been difficult for him, I told him that this total lack of concern and consideration of how his actions affected my inner world was one of the main reasons why I left him and stayed no or minimal contact for all that time. I also stressed that he had been in wrong-town when he thought that I would let him use me as that transitional object for any longer, or ever again.

    His last move during that interaction was that he took my hands, kissed them and said: Thank you! You brave, courageous and fierce woman!

    That was a good moment:-) By now, it seems that he has finally come to the realisation that I am not vibrating at the same (low) level any more, and therefore no longer good supply to him. He hasn´t contacted me since, and I don´t believe he ever will again. No more hoovers!

    That´s very good news, I guess:-))

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  12. He constantly posted on Facebook and would tag me so it showed up on my timeline…. Pictures of us, with his girls…
    He would actually count and compare the number of likes I got from my friends to the number from his… Seriously.
    With the last discard, he blocked me so all the pictures I had with the girls disappeared. Cruel. But I get it now.
    however, his ex wife ‘friended’ me and we now share pictures…
    Btw, last time she came out to my beach house with the girls we took a walk and finally discussed him, and how best to deal with him in the future, as we really like each other, we have a lot in common ( and at one point in our lives liked the same thing 🙂

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    1. Mine would delete his posts that only had one like…mine.if it was a post or song or photo that had one like and it was another person he kept it. Once he deleted every song I sent to his wall and then said he was doing a. spring cleanup, except it was only my songs he removed. I figured he didn’t want a new appliance to see them and question him.
      The lies were so blatant , it would make my head spin and spew pea soup 😏
      I am glad you made a connection with his ex wife, at least you can relate to how he mistreated people and he is outnumbered Too.

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  13. I almost didn’t come back to this due to my abstinence from most social media (well all except WP) but I’m so glad I came back. Half of the jargon i read is jargon, but I got the gist and it is appalling. WP has had it’s share of destruction, and it isn’t pretty. That said, this is predominantly a wonderful community, but people also need to be wary. HG is a wolf in wolf’s clothing, but others dress as sheep.

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    1. I haven’t had issues in this blog any of the others on WordPress. I have been away from here for four months so am not sure what the dynamic has been like on here while gone. It seems the same to me with the exception of new comers. I do see a few that appear more narc like then empath. But, as long as the “zen ” is not disrupted and the message continues to come across to those of us who need it. Then all is good.

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      1. This blog is new to me. I haven’t seen discord here. I doubt HG would allow it. WP in general is awesome. It is family. There have been events though which have made me want to leave. It has been awhile. I guess the point is be careful bc this is also a social medium.

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  14. Hi jaded1…I think if possibly amused HG, he would allow it, if it provided him fuel. I don’t think he would allow something to go to an extreme measure though that would effect the dynamic of his blog and his legacy.
    Yes, I often forget that this is a social medium as well. Excellent point.

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  15. What if he blocks you for four years consecutively without once unblocking you but still maintain his manipulation and pitiful
    Attitude towards him by manipulating and mms king you feel sorry for him?

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      1. Not continuing writing continuing oaky reading my texts only three times but is completely aware of all my texts last year I called him he answered the phone I said hello and gee hung up

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      2. I am trying to get a handle on what is happening. You send lots of texts, he reads them but does not reply. He has blocked you on social media. You telephoned him and he answered and then hung up. Is that correct? Over how long a time period has this happened?

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      3. Over these past four years I’ve texted him for a bit in 2012 then stopped and did it filtrations throughout 2013 and 2014 to make him understand my point and my perspective and what truly happened behind our problems and the real person I was and In 2015 I had no contact til September August . Because we had s conversation pending but when I found out he was a sociopath I decided to have all the points I wanted to assess through text nessagibg which hasn’t ceased since 2015 October thanksgiving because it was too dangerous for me to face him face to face in tus confrontation . Months later I found out about his disastrous news and GE only replied once but kept Indirecfully replied once he didn’t answer my text but kept connected somehow

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      4. What does it all mean? During our golden period this third person didn’t appear to be present but he did triangulated me with others tiger answers from me or to “make me jealous” as if if you don’t do this somebody else will

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      5. He also told me to look for somebody else he was not interested and he had nothing to do with me he didn’t wanted nothing to do with me and he was not going to responsabilize for me from that day on he told me to stay away from the church to go elsewhere and that his decision was definitive but he continues to manipulate me and throw the pity party which is I’ve if Gus hooverings

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  16. Before four years it was a roller coaster of emotions with his silent treatment and killing me but he was always aware of my texts which gave him plenty of fuel because I’m very giving and completely genuine

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  17. Between the golden period and the big triangulation cause he triangulated me with anything he could possibly think if there as s year s f a half two years where we didn’t speak because I for circumstances could not reach him or see him or visit call him and he when the year passed his sister called me but before they hung up I heard his voice like telling her don’t leave s message . Months later I showed up again unknowing he had somebody else and I gave him a romantic gift and he accepted after that he completely changed we started having problems more than we already had because I was suspicious if done time of this other one but had no knowledge or sure es I didn’t know. When his minister confronted me he tus me in such a manner that it was a bug rant and it was verbal emotional whipping and the confrontation that was done publically infront of everyone at the parking lot for everyone to see not was only embarrassing but traumatic I had no idea therefore I developed ptsd and I can barely remember everything else he told me its all vet blurry and I can’t remember at all it was awful . His brother told me that it was necessary whooping when someone had dive something wrong when I didn’t I didn’t d b know he had someone . At the tone I thought well who could it be? I don’t see her anywhere and I thought of it a lie to get rid of me cause I thought they had something against me for their misjudging personalities and we’re eating his brain giving false testimony of me all this done his rant the ministers right I front of him my ex that’s why it was all traumatic and more other reasons my mother in law kept yelling that I lost my ride for being chasing him over and over again she wouldn’t stop until the car that took me home made the first tire moves towards my Exit. I’ll never forget it it was quite traumatic it has stayed with me even today I also developed unrealistic fears due to that trauma and the burning that followed me the following years and the others I seemed for love that he wasn’t giving me and trying to find some logic to what happened …..Long story . I’ve known him since 2002 and he left me 2012 it was horrible many things happened to me that year before and dyer discard . I’ve just recently discovered ptsd and unrealistic phobia . I was subjected to domestic violence before getting hitched cause the night I was ranted and the night before I thought he was going to propose marriage cause it all leaded to that abs then suddenly the rant . I visited him in his churched where I was welcomed until 2012 where I was banned by the pastors wife herself that little traitor Rey traumatic and sad after that it’s pretty much what I’ve told you in the terms of him and I.

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  18. What I hate most is that our relationship aroused from a healthy friendship but how can you have a healthy friendship with an unhealthy person? We were not officially that getter but we wee definitely more than friends he talked to me like I was his wife addressed to me I mean

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  19. He’s not a big texter never was not even in our golden period he never visited me in my home but we did saw each other everyday in our golden period until somethings changed in my life and I was a bit separated he looked for me and since we couldn’t see each other everyday cause we met in college and that was his graduating year and that’s where we saw each other everyday then he invited me to keep
    Seeing him in church and then a year passed by I co tinted my visits as often as I could and then I graduated and had some circumstances that were too complicated in my private home and I couldn’t see him. At that time I lived with family not anymore. Then I started visiting him again and the rest is history

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  20. I have been on the receiving end of the Narcissist and his Facebook games of Blocking me, Triangulating me, Friending the very ones he called “bullies” and was “protecting me from”, Liking other women’s postings without ever liking mine, making his own memes with phrases in them I wrote in letters to him and him laughing at them…all from the person who claimed, he’d “die without me”…
    Tamara

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  21. He didn’t last long on my Facebook..he was insanely jealous and monitored everything I did and even threatened others who’s posts I would comment on. Those were on others pages that he wasn’t even on. I blocked him even while still in the relationship because he criticized everything none of which caused me to change anything I did. My posts were never about him, I never updated my relationship status or posted photos of us.

    When the relationship ended I immediately removed any photo he had tagged me in, deleted any texts or photos on my phone. I tend to remove exes from any digital history to avoid remembering the good times.

    Behaviors such as this have led me to question my own N tendencies but not for long.

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  22. My ex started to restrict me from seeing his friends list at some point. I could only see our mutual friends and I also wasn’t “allowed” to tag him until he approved it. He did still post photos of us together shortly before the break up.
    After the break up he has completely deleted his FB though or so he claims at least. I still wonder whether he just created a new account.
    Is it unusual for a narcissist to delete his FB account? It did surprise me because I thought he would use it to boast about how great his life is without me (he did in the beginning). Or did he do it to completely delete our history together – to hurt me even further? We were together for 3 years and his timeline was plastered with photos of us and our travelling etc..

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  23. At the time, my ex of 12 years pulled every single trick you mentioned on face book. It hurt when I was still invested in him and the relationship. But, I eventually fell out of love with him a year after our final split and because he had his steady source of primary supply for most of the relationship, our final split 8 months ago was actually quite peaceful. But, because we are both very sociable people, we have a ton of mutual friends and still see each other in the same circles. I did unfriend him on face book during our final split though. He had me blocked from most of his posts anyway so why bother staying friends with him?

    Two weeks ago, we both ended up out with a group of mutual friends. I checked myself only into the place on face book and he saw me on my phone and said “you should tag us all in together.” I said “I would but we are not friends anymore.” He acted shocked (like he didn’t know) “What? When did you unfriend me?” I said “When we broke up.” I said “I’ll friend you again and tag you with all of us.” He accepts my friend request, I post the check in on fb and purposely left it up there for about 10 minutes, just enough time, then deleted the post. Well well well, My ex narcissist immediately knew and said “Why did you delete it?” I said “What do you mean?” I then unfriended him again right after….he laughed it off and responded with “I guess you are dating someone controlling so you unfriended me.” I said “No, I’m single and I didn’t unfriend you?” While he was trying to find out why I unfriended him, during that same time, I sent him another request right away and said “You know, my phone is giving me a lot of problems lately.” You never accepted my request I sent earlier??? See, I sent you one but you never responded according to my phone.” He looks at his phone and said “Huh, wow. You’re right.” He goes and accepts my friend request again and we are still fb friends but I never re posted the check in with all of us together. I also just block him from seeing anything I post now.

    Immature? Sure I guess but it was extremely fun after a few cocktails to mind f*ck with my ex narcissist with the SAME social media games he played on me. It was also delightful to see him get insecure and uncomfortable in the process.

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  24. My very very recent ex did most of the mind f*ckery games listed above. He kept his ex-wife around the entirety of our 2yr relationship AND a friend he used to bang (after the wife threw him out) in a wicked triangulation from the start – a triangulation that he used to absolutely torture me. Of course both of these women were on both his FB & IG and would stay in his business & would stay spraying pheromones all over his page. He of course would defend the right for this to go on with ferocity (maintaining his narcissistic supply). The more I got uncomfortable with all of it (his ex-wife reached a point where she felt comfy commenting on the 1 or 2 pics he DID post of the 2 of us!) – the more he would defend it and disregard my feelings.

    He would also act like he couldn’t post about us together (and was always dicey about me tagging him in photos of us). Would then go into this bullsh*t speech about how he was a “private person”. I would then point out his daily check-ins, gym-selfies, food pics, family pics, etc. I was like “the only time privacy is an issue is when it’s ME!” I got hip to the game and gave up. He didn’t like that either. We could go somewhere nice and he’d check-in and then say to me “should I tag you in this?”. If I said “YES” , he’d decide not to. If I said “No” he’d ask if I felt a type of way about the whole subject. He knew it hurt my feelings. He’d then ask “are you bothered by this?”. Inside I’m hurt & pissed like “yes, you sadistic motherf*cker – what women likes being marginalized and have her presence denied/erased?”.

    He’d go out to dinner with me – no acknowledgment. He’d go to dinner with his daughters to the SAME PLACE (3 adult daughters) and post a d*mn soliloquy about how it was the best dinner of his life. Everytime. A few months ago I BLOCKED him from both FB & IG. He carried on like a little b*tch about not being able to share or post with me on social media. It felt good to take back my power. He’d pretend like he didn’t remember why I blocked him (I responded to something petty his ex-wf posted on his IG and he told me off & issued an ultimatum of “if I didn’t like it – I could unfriend him”. Well, I blocked that azz!).

    A few days ago after his last demeaning temper tantrum tirade over something insignificant – I cussed him completely out (told him I recognized that he was trying to break my spirit but wasn’t MAN ENOUGH to do it) and went into NO CONTACT. ENOUGH!!! He came by my house to bring some stuff I left in his car & was angry that I had phone-blocked him. Then apologized for “anything he’d said or done that had hurt me”….then went into a “this is not working – we should break up” speech when he remembered that I put him on phone block……then threatened me for putting him on block (“if you’re going to do things this way it can get UGLY!!”……)….then rang my phone later to strong arm me into continuing to work with him on unfinished stuff (we are both musicians)….and then finally STOPPED. Day 3 of NO CONTACT and i’m super hurt but slowly regaining my peace, my soul, my sanity & my power. Reading up on this reminds me of all the sh*t I went through for 2yrs and keeps my resolve strong.

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  25. I don’t know about being blocked for only a short time. I’m pretty sure the narc I was seeing has made this blocking of all social media my final discard. I found out he was sleeping with someone else and contacted her. Come to find out, she was already distancing herself from him because she knew something was “off” about him. But still… to him of course it’s MY fault for busting him, not his for sleeping around. It’s now been a week since he blocked me on social media and his phone. He didn’t rage at me, he said nothing at all. I’m hoping it’s the last I hear from him, but he’s in control of the unblock button.

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