Tears Today

 

I remember watching the memorable film Flash Gordon (the version released in December 1980) and Princess Aura sees Dale crying and asks “why is water leaking from her eyes”. I had always wondered what this was too. Ming the Merciless (a personal hero of mine but that’s for another occasion) explains :-

“It’s called crying, it’s a sign of their weakness.”

I was delighted by this enlightenment and pleased to have acquired this understanding. I don’t cry. Even as a baby I didn’t. My mother said that I was such a perfect baby. When I see someone crying I just do not understand why they are doing it. I mean, if they are supposed to be an equal and strong, there is no reason to do it is there? My ex-girlfriend, Kate, she said I made her sad and that was why she cried. I had to keep pointing out to her that I had done everything I could to make her happy and she had no possible reason to be sad. She would not accept this so I sat her down in front of my widescreen television and selected the execution scene. She watched and started crying. I said to her, “You are not meant to copy her, listen to Ming.” I’m not sure she could hear in between the sobs. Some people don’t want to learn do they?

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52 thoughts on “Tears Today”

  1. There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power…. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love ….

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      1. HG

        I was lucky enough to take this thought with my own to therapy last night. What are your thoughts on not crying being about control? You will not allow it, it’s controlled. My argument is a child of toddler she knows knowing about controlling tears or the sensation of tickling. I was argument with the fast they control a lot of there own bodily functions including toilet training. I wondered about this. I cry but when I was younger I did not. If I was being beaten I would not give the satisfaction.

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      2. Hi, soaking it in…my daughter with held toileting to a degree, she actually fought it. She did same with crying, almost holding her breath. She walked at six months and talking at nine months. She is strong willed and determined, I see some control issues surfacing as she gets older. As affectionate and loving and kind as she is, I can discern already she is not empathic, like me. But much more like her father to some degree. Without the lies and manipulations. She does not cry at things one might think, she mostly cries when she does not get her own way, not the death of grandmother and pet, no tears at all. Mind you I am the other end very emotional. I would prefer she wasn’t like me.
        I cried when the belt or switch was used on me as child, as punishment.
        I have never or would I ever Lay a hand in harm to my child.
        The toileting All worked out In the end, no pun intended.

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      3. Can you explain HG to me by what you mean by “switch”? Do you mean what triggers a behaviour or mood change in her? Where she switches from sweet and loving to controlling? When she does not get her way.
        Here an example from when she was six, I was at my friends House and his children at the time when she did this. It was supper time and she was asked to go wash her hands. Which always was a struggle. She was sitting in the chair at table and said this, if you go with me mummy. I said the bathroom Is across from the kitchen. You do not have to go to one upstairs. Then nO thank you she said, I said it wasn’t an offer. It is a request. She refused to move. Intiate power struggle as she has an audience, two adults and two other children. Who all have washed hands pre supper. I again requested she go to wash her hands. She said, if you stand beside my chair, I will. I said again, mummy is busy helping prepare supper and the bathroom awaits you, my dear as does your supper. She does not move from chair. Stares at me. I say well? She says. Mummy. If you move your body to the right, I will go wash my hands for you. I said no, I shall not play such games. Then she says, how about you just move the index finger on your right hand and I will go right to wash my hands. I looked at her and said, no, this is quite enough, leave the table and sit In the living room. I will take that as your decision not to eat with us. She then huffed a sigh, got up from Table and proceeded to bathroom to wash hands, with no difficulty. Returned to table and sat down. I looked at her and said see I knew you could do it. It doesn’t need to be a power struggle. I said, You know mama loves you. She smiles and says I love you too mama. Can I sit by you Instead of here……which was the child who lived at the house normal seat at the table……and you see where this is going….she stayed where she was sitting and ate her supper.

        She is apt at boundary testing, inciting tantrums in line at stores as attempt to humiliate me to purchase things to quiet her. It nevr works. Yet she still tries it. One time she cried at checkout, you nevr buy me anything, the cashier, said then whose baby dollie is this, and this dvd and pretty dress, she says mine but…I just want that chocolate bar and I will nevr ask for anything else all day. I said, it is now evening. The day has past, so no. You have chocolate at home, you Only want it because it is there. So turn your head and look elsewhere while mama pays. She then Says. Why do you hate me…the look On the cashier face and others In line was priceless. In car I said why must you carry On that way in public dont you care that people, see you in a bad light. And can not see all the sweet and kind things about you. They see you as selfish and unkind to mama. I don’t care,she says … I wanted a chocolate bar. I said, but you didn’t get one, so again, was it not a pointless display. I guess, she says, do you love me mama. I say, yes and kiss her and buckle into car seat….as I turn I catch a gleam of red In her eyes..,just kidding that bit was embellished. Mind you after she was born with mass of dark hair, she is now blonde. It. Did check for 666. One can nevr be too careful. I do believe in fate. Humour, people.

        This child is beautiful, brilliant, intelligent, clever and wise. She is sweet, loving and kind and generous to friends. It has been her and I always, she is an only child, I left her father when she was two, due to his alcoholism. I am sure HG, you can see what I am deducing here, my N said no way, she is only a child and stubborn and will grow out of it. He always took a keen Interest in her btw. But, the control issues have been evident for a long time. She knows how much I love her and I support and defend her. She also knows I am honest with her and will encourage her independence, morals and sense of right and wrong and compassion for others. We are two different people bonded by love. Where my mother nevr nurtured me , I always have my child. It does sometimes perplex me this behaviour in Her and I do wonder and worry where it may lead, if anywhere. She is quite assertive and a leader In terms of initiative and ideas. She is definately not a follower. I am very proud of her, she does well in school, she is grade 7, she loves her family and friends. She is understanding of the differences in people, regarding gender, sexuality, disability and disorder and race. She defends and stands up for others, as I advocate myself. She has been bullied and nevr holds a grudge and always forgives. She has addressed her fathers issue with an awareness that many adults do not have. I have never disclosed any issues of her father, he did when she was older and she observed on her own. She is respectful of her grandparents and elders. She can easily relate to a younger child or an adult, conversation wise. She is my best love and I am her safety.

        Sorry that was a lot of information. When I start writing and such.
        I wonder what you ascertain HG from what I write. Your thoughts are most welcomed, as are readers thoughts.

        HG is this is not appropriate to post then perhaps after you read and digest Information, you can reply in what you take from it all. It would be greatly appreciated.

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      4. See I can laugh at myself, I write that huge Extensive repky in behavioural patterns based on thinking you meant a personality switch. When upon reread and second glance, I realized you meant the word switch.
        HG, a switch In this case is a branch from a tree, small in size and held In ones hand to hit across hands or legs for punishment purposes, in the same way a belt is used. Except, I would, get the buckle not the leather. The switch often came from the large apple tree in our yard. The punishment was mostly for not listening or being sassy, the director of punishment was my mum, the executioner of punishment was my father. Mum didnt like to get her hands dirty, so to speak.

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      5. Yes I saw the lengthier reply (which I have yet to digest) and knew you had misunderstood me as obviously I know what the personality switch is. I guessed the switch was some instrument of chastisement but I wasn’t aware of precisely what it was so thank you for explaining.

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    1. I cry and I realized lately I have cried more then not. It started when I woke up one day many years ago. I heard it releases a type of chemical in the brain. Different tears bring on different chemicals. Interesting to read up on it. I would repost the findings here but it is simple enough to get the info.
      I dislike that it messes up your face and swells the eyes and turns them red.

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    2. That is so true Evan, thank you. I wish HG and his kind could understand the courage it takes to be vulnerable, to feel, to risk, to stay open in the face of enormous disappointment and uncertainty. It takes courage to be honest about oneself and to allow hard truths to surface.

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      1. Bethany7337
        +100

        Narcs can not even imagine that allowing urself being vulnerable (= becready to face consequences) is a courage and force.

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      2. I face a choice. Imagine something or know that that allowing vulnerability leads to exploitation. I know which I will rely on.

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      3. HG, it leads to explotation only in ur type of relationship.
        Coz u never was in healthy relationship where it (vulnerability) leads to careness, love, happiness.

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  2. Interesting you never cried as a baby? Do you feel much physical pain. I am suspecting it’s a high tolerance.
    My mother said I was never ticklish and to this day I am not, I am pain sensored, dead, in that area. I have had many people try and I am just not ticklish.

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    1. I feel physical pain I am not a robot. I do not cry through physical pain however. You learn not to don’t you?
      I would consider being immune to being tickled as a good thing.

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  3. Evan711, I don’t know about “sacredness in tears”. I know I learned to NOT cry, because in the mind of my mother the narcissist, my tears are an indication that I’m somehow not holding it together. So I learned to hold it in, to hold it all in…but that’s absolutely not the same thing as holding it together.

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    1. Yes, I understand what you are saying… I had a very different relationship with a mother… Unconditional, sacred, love… I lost her when she was 57 years old… Our love, and the tears, all sacred to me, and a result of a very special bond…

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      1. “Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.”

        Advice from the movie/novel that I thought was particularly fitting.

        You see, HG – support and acknowledgement of the brilliance of your kind can be found in the most unlikely of places….And leave it to me to find it!

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      2. Hahaa, funny HG.
        I used to cry as a lil girl in pouted tantrums to get what I wanted and it worked. I was the boss. No spankings.

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  4. What of those who cannot cry in front of others….shame often is the barrier to tears, those who were told boys don’t cry, dont Show they upset you, wipe your eyes dear. Tears show that we feel and care, it is an expression of emotion, sorrow and happiness. I am not weak, and I admittedly cry for a multitude of reasons.
    I am not ashamed to cry, it is a release of emotion, when words are unable to express such. I enjoy crying, I feel better,and more serene following. When one is bursting with emotion every second of the day and screaming is not the right release, then crying always the alternative ..all I need to do is think and feel and emote, tears flow freely and as I wipe my eyes and continue to cry, I feel better, never worse. That is the trick, it is a cathartic healing.

    Have you never cried HG? I would like to think of you experiencing it, but not through another. Do you feel power when an appliance is weeping in from of you or do you see them as pathetic, only. Unless you are the cause of the tears.

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    1. I have cried a few times when I was a boy. Tears of frustration. Do you know how hard it is to do a Windsor knot when you are that young and you are not allowed to move until you have done it?

      If I cause the tears in another then it is fuel. If they are crying because of something else, yes, I regard it as pathetic.

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      1. That is sad and I’m sad for you. Tears of frustration. We get that too…every time we feel frustration from something like say…gaslighting.

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      2. Yes I can imagine that would be terribly frustarting for awhile. Your seems the type to stand watch over as you fumble getting it just right, with wooden ruler In Her hand, drumming her palm with a look of consternation and displeasure at you making the family tardy for Church. I can see that little boy, so clearly.

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  5. I had to google that scene cuz it has been so long. It was hokey but I can see where it would inspire tears. Omgosh HG…did you also sit on her and make her watch the horror movies? After, did you tell her that the bogeyman was going to grab her from under the bed? Boo. Loving horror films, I would have laughed. Life is much more scary than a horror movie.

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      1. Bleh. I’m hiding the toothpicks or things that would hold one’s eyes open. I left that part out of the example bc it didn’t happen. Let’s grab popcorn and watch some scary movies…unless you are scared.

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      2. So you are a bully? Were you that kid in school? Sooner or later they get their butts kicked.

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      3. I see what you’re doing; you are so gentlemanly for letting me choose, but please add to the collection. I won’t be choosing “Gaslight”, “Faces of Death” or the news. I’ll still probably laugh at the folowing but we can do old school? I haven’t seen some of these for a long time. Nosferatu, The Masque of Red Death, Suspiria, Halloween (original only), Vanished, or anything Hitchcock. We can save the real life stuff like walking through the D and seeing people get assaulted or driving down Harlem and seeing someone be pulled from a car by the hair, for a time when we know each other better. Do you have a favorite scary movie? Which ones would you choose?

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      4. Anything by Hitchcock is good and with The Masque of Red Death you have picked an old school favourite of mine, I’m impressed. I prefer psychological thrillers because they are more interesting. Slash and gore films bore me because I do not get scared and there is very little left to think about other than “why are you going into the woods alone at night when there is a serial killer on the loose”? Shutter Island is an excellent film and I enjoyed Stonehearst Asylum too.

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      5. Glad you say you’re impressed. I’ll have to keep those two films in mind. Yes, slasher films for the most part are a yawn and the sequels are worse. Let’s tempt fate by returning to the same place years later. I’d rather it be on film than in real life, though.

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  6. Yeah… tears. With my man before Narc i never ever have cried. There were NO even 1 possibility to that. During many years together

    With NARC i was so surprised that i started crying almost everyday. First i decided that if i cry 3 times i leave.
    Than.. if i cry 10 times i leave..

    Then i stopped counting.. but during silent treatment was able to disconnect and actually felt free from him.
    But.. he hoovered me. It was the worst thing i did. Coz the feeling of being totally free from him was just amazing

    Hahha it was funny how i felt all those emotions.. i really tried to find logic in hos behaviour and words.. coz i thought he is a human being..

    Pity i didnt know that ppl with disorders live with us

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  7. H, I’m sure you are a great global Citizen and want to be on earth as long as possible, in fact forever cuz your a God and deserve it, but when they tell us to recycle they mean plastic, cans, etc not old posts u wrote last September. I am not being critical, I’m looking out for you as a good friend would do….lol
    I feel a ST coming on….
    Pretty smart to recycle flash Gordon tho, u are truly a man of the people. Btw my long email is now a novel. Over 8,000, yes u read that right, words. Trust me it’s worth it. I’m going to bed it is 4am here. Nite H.

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    1. I repeat the older posts because some people did not read them the first time around. Some people join the blog and digest everything that has been written. Others only digest what is served up to them each day and therefore if they came here say in the last six months there are older posts they have not see which are equally valid. That is why it is done.

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  8. This post speaks of warped reality:

    1. Tears are a sign of vulnerabilty, but vulnerabilty does not make us weak. It is a strength. Walking through the pain instead of avoiding it is one the bravest things a human being can do.

    2. It is impossible that you did not cry as a baby. All babies cry, at least sometimes. You may not know, because you don’t have kids. It is obvious that your mother gaslighted you with that statement, in order to make you comply with her expectations (of being a ‘perfect child’). You obviously believe her, and fell for that manipulation technique. Note to self: A narc can always be abused by a greater narc, especially if that greater narc is their Cluster B mother.

    3. Good to hear that you are in your 40ies or 50ies! 😊

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      1. 1. OK, let’s disagree! No problem with that – at least not for me.

        2. She may or may not be greater than you. But she surely (still) has more power over you than you have over her. However, you have awareness and insight into your disorder, where she obviously has none. This makes things more complex for you, and you may feel more vulnerable at first. But in the end, it will be the catalyst for you to overcome her and leave her behind, as it makes you stronger.

        3. It has become obvious by now. Plus I am one of those empathic creatures – we can read between the lines, with no effort whatsoever! ☺

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      2. 1. Indeed.

        2. In fairness you don’t have the totality of the situation yet so I understand why you have made the assessment you have. Much as it infuriates me, I can see why you would reach the conclusion you have reached, but once you know everything, you will change your conclusion.

        3. The aggregate of our ages,perhaps, but not individually.

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  9. Any relationship with an N = to lots of tears 😢😢 ..
    Crying is a normal reaction of the body to certain stimuli and never means weakness ..
    Crying feels so good in sadness, despair, frustration…

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  10. You say you don’t cry, but basically you’re not capable of it. You’re missing that sensitivity chip. Which means you’re not superior…you’re defective. ( now don’t cry about it ). ; )

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