A Bad Man Doing a Good Job
I am regarded as a bad person. In fact, bad would be considered somewhat mild and I have been on the receiving end of epitaphs of “evil”, “satanic”, “malevolent” and “hell’s representative on earth”. None of those labels have bothered me in the slightest. Is that because they are true and I am content to acknowledge what my behaviour amounts to? Perhaps. The greater truth is that they were all delivered coated in emotion, dripping with fuel and the person hurling what they perceived as an insult at me was doing quite the contrary. They thought they were striking me down, belittling me and hurting me when they were just making me all the more powerful. But they were not to know this were they? Very, very few people actually understand why my kind behave as we do. Oh those who have the misfortune (their word) to entangle with my kind know all about our behaviours. They will sit you down and spend all day cataloguing every despicable deed, each aggressive act and all those malicious moments as if they were reading from a diary. That is how etched on people’s minds we become, how we infect their hearts and poison their souls. I know because I know what I do. I know because you show me how it affects you and you certainly do plenty of telling me (as well as anybody else who listens) because that is how embedded we become. We appear coruscating and shining and then we maim, cripple and injure. You know better than anybody else how it affects you but you rarely understand. How could you? You have no idea who you are dealing with. We do not appear with the letter N branded on our foreheads as a warning (although I suspect even if we did some people would still fall prey to us). You do not know what has wrapped its tendrils around you and you cannot be expected to know. It is not your fault although we will spend all of the devaluation and beyond telling you that it is. Those of our kind do think everything is your fault. They are programmed to think nothing else. I am worse. I know it is not your fault but the maintenance of blame is key to the upholding of control and the continuance of my dominance and therefore I will readily apply that which I know to be false in order to achieve what must be achieved. Again, you would not know this and whether you have become entangled with a Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater of our kind you become ensconced in trying to make us see, make us understand and achieve some kind of breakthrough. It is nigh on impossible. The Lesser is not programmed to accept it. You are trying to put a video cassette in a Blue-Ray player. It just will not operate. The Mid-Range must apply fault because he knows it provides him with a defence. The Greater of us understand what you are saying and know you are right but we will not accept it because we must remain superior.
Those you turn to for assistance do not understand either. Well-meaning family and friends struggle enormously to grasp what has happened. This is because they cannot comprehend someone can actually behave that way and it becomes easier to think you are the one with the problem, that you are over-tired, stressed (hell of course you are because we made you that way) and you are imagining things, mis-remembering and so forth. They do not want to become involved because that means trying to fathom it out and it is too hard. It also means shattering the façade we have created and it is so much easier to keep it intact and point to exhaustion/drink/drugs/hysteria and so on than grapple with understanding there is such a thing as a narcissist who love-bombs then abuses in the blink of an eye? Even those who do try to understand become jaded with the unrelenting news feed of abhorrent aberrations that you detail on a daily basis. Plus, people are ultimately too wrapped up in their own lives. Who would credit it? Selfishness from us and from them keeps you trapped.
Professionals offer some insight in varying degrees although few have actually experienced it and it is only those who have done so who can truly relate the full horror and the unrivalled brain-mashing, mindfuckery, soul-destroying rollercoaster ride of being entangled with us. Seeing is believing. The absence of truly experiencing what it means to be ensnared by us means that explanations fall victim to conjecture, theory and speculation.
This is where my good job arises. I am a bad man but I am doing a good, not a great job, by conveying to you why we do as we do, why we say as we say and allowing you to take on board this information and applying it as you see fit. This is not done as an altruistic act; such a concept is anathema to me. I have my own agenda and my own aims to achieve as a consequence of this sharing of knowledge. It also appeals to my malevolent outlook by empowering you, those who have suffered with our kind for so long, with the knowledge and tools to fight back. It entertains me to think that the provision of my information is causing consternation and mayhem amongst our kind as you, the empathic victims move on, fight back and progress. I owe my brethren no loyalty. It is one for one and damn the all. My methods are my methods are my methods. The useful consequence of my actions however is that finally you start to gain understanding. You realise what makes us tick. You finally realise that we operate to our own reality and our own logic. You realise how we see things and therefore it finally makes sense even though it does not make sense – if you see what I mean.
You grasp that it was an illusion. You understand it is lie upon lie upon lie. You realise why that was said, this was done and why it keeps on continuing. It still makes no sense to you from your perspective but then you begin to realise why to us it makes sense and that is why we do it. You understand that it is not about winning the battle but never fighting the battle to begin with because the odds are always in our favour. We make the rules, choose the rules, break the rules and remove the rules. It still takes time for it all to filter through and click into place but when it does – well, the effect is significant. The phrases you have heard so many times take on a new meaning. The actions which left you bewildered, hurt and confused now only hurt. You understand why we want you mired in emotion. It still takes you time to plough through that emotional sea but at least you now realise why you were thrown into it. Myths are dispelled, incorrect assumptions are crushed and you are given the very thing by which we operate and by which we succeed – cool, hard logic.
There is so much to convey to you. So much to detail from how we come into being, what we are trying to achieve, what we are seeking to keep at bay, why we keep doing what we do, why change doesn’t happen, why we choose you, why we never let go and so much more. All of it will be provided to you. It is brutal, it hurts and it is uncomfortable but then haven’t you had enough of the sugar-coated crap? Now it is time to swallow the harsh truth because that is what will ultimately set you free, that and your application of it to your own circumstances.
So, this is what I do. I write. I detail. I convey. I illuminate. You can keep seeing me as evil, bad and hellish. By all means, that is your choice, but I know you understand, at least most of you do, that this bad man is doing a good job. If you keep reading, keep asking and keep digesting, you will achieve your desired outcome.
All the errors, mistakes and failures you have committed and experienced can now be consigned to history as you embark on a different chapter towards your eventual freedom. No longer will you be hindered my misunderstanding, hampered by confusion and mired in the wrong answers. For too long you have been led up the garden path, taken in circles and made the wrong decisions based on erroneous understandings. That was because you didn’t have me. After all, it takes a wrong doer to show you that you are doing wrong.
200 thoughts on “A Bad Man Doing a Good Job”
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This post is so amazing! The comments! You all dove deep here! WOW!
I will always be grateful for the advice you have given me and everyone on your blog. The clarity, for me, was the most important. We empath’s always want to know “why”, and you have given us the answers. Cold, hard truth that feels like a kick in the stomach, but the truth nonetheless. Thank you, HG, thank you so much!
I’m starting to understand where you are coming from and appreciate you more all the time! Thanks!
Thank you Avaswan, that is good of you to state.
“Whats my name?” …’YOU’RE TYLER DURDEN, TYLER DURDEN!!’
So is it safe to assume your current primary has no idea that you really are Tyler Durden (aka HG Tudor)? ….
I apply the mushroom philosophy.
What is that? Never heard of it I’m emotionally allergic to mushrooms
…mushroom? Ok, so you ARE circumcised.; )
Arf! Think you’ve taken the tangent taxi there.
An alterNate reality….
You are doing a brilliant job and you know I hold you in the highest regard.
I don’t see you as bad or evil though I know many do. I’ve shared your blog and books with countless people and reaction has been mixed. The enlightened understand how awesome what you’re doing is, regardless of the reasons for it.
You are who you are and while many will be emotionally slaughtered by you, you are helping many others to save themselves and get on the path to healing.
All I know is if you’re evil, I’m extremely pleased to meet you. For I’d rather have your brutal honesty and unabashed brilliance than live in a rose coloured bubble looking forward to a happily ever after that doesn’t exist.
You are as real as it gets and I am thankful to be part of a reality in which you exist.
We agree here B&T 🎉🎉🎉🎉.
Totally 😃😃😃😃
HG,
I’m going to imagine this blog serves up hella fuel for you. It’s true , yes, you are the devil doing Gods work here. My question is would the fuel garnered here or some other platform be ample enough for your kind to cease having to target one particular individual, or is it that there always has to be that one solitary primary source, with social media, blogs, fans, etc being supplementary sources?
You second alternative is the correct one.
HG he wants to bind me to him so he can do the golden wedge ? Keep the door open . Can you tell me if I am interpreting his words as a wedge correctly . He distances deliberately knowing I will panic and then start questioning , he then goes into the usual speech of alone time and fear of relationships followed by it’s not my fault (meaning me) followed by it’s not his fault as he is now damaged , but he will always be grateful for my loyalty . Then tells me he has a problem and it’s not anything to do with me. HG would you consider that a Wedge ?
It is indeed a wedge.
Lisa, mine did the same, even said I am massively grateful for your loyalty. Which sounds like a compliment. But.in Actuality it is just …please don’t out me or destroy my facade….prettied up.
Miss_Stress , I never thought of it that way about outing him . I just thought he meant loyalty for putting up with all his crap. (Translation me being a doormat). It’s not the first time he’s done this . Just out of interest how many times has yours done this and still come back to you . I once had a farewell from him similar to as if I was birding the Titanic . But we still got back together . I’m just not sure if this is the final wedge ? If it’s about not telling people about him ?
Well yes that is loyalty and love that allowed you to put up with it all, same here. You are not a doormat. You are trusting, that is a wonderful quality. I know I won’t allow him to impinge upon my nature any more. It was Five times, Lisa. I responded last time he used the loyalty comment this way, of course, I am as loyal to you as you are to me, is that how it is suppose to be when you love someone. He never replied, I am sure he thought…wait what does that mean, and panic ensued. I meant nothing by it, I am loyal, but I knew he would worry about what I was implying seeing he knew he wasn’t loyal at all to me.
I don’t see you as at all evil, HG. Maybe some of the things you’ve done are evil, but NPD is a huge defense mechanism, not demonic possession (in spite of what the haters always say).
How do you feel when people tell you you are at heart a good person? Does that give you fuel as well?
It is interesting just how often demonic possession is levelled at us, I suppose it is one way of coping with something that (until you receive the explanation for the seemingly illogical behaviour) seems to defy explanation.
Yes it does provide with me fuel. Thank you LO.
Far be it from me to tell you how to heal your narcissism, but here’s a thought. Maybe you could begin to replace obtaining negative fuel (abuse) with positive fuel which essentially also feeds your ego (maybe you are already doing this, by writing this blog). Expand what you’re doing here to other areas of your life too, where you are dealing with flesh and blood people.
You say you are influential–maybe begin to open up to people, touch their hearts in some way (even if you have to lie to do it at first) and then try hard not devalue or verbally abuse them later. In other words, act like the nice person I know you really are deep down (if you weren’t I don’t think you’d be writing this blog at all). Maybe after awhile of doing this, it will become habit, and because more people will want to be close to you because they think you’re such a nice guy who always listens and doesn’t judge or criticize, you’ll begin to internalize that love given to you and learn to feel it yourself.
Actually this isn’t really original. It’s part of mindfulness, which I have learned and it’s helped me. I’m not telling you what you have to do, but it’s a suggestion. It would be a tragedy not to awaken to all the possibilities of the healing light that HG really can be in the world. For getting positive fuel, only to follow it up with getting negative fuel from the same person, makes any kindness you show those people not really count.
I understand the point you are making. For the most part, I bask in positive fuel save for occasional upbraiding of incompetent minions and strangers (which is merited) and my ongoing campaign against the traitor who deserves all that she is getting. Aside from that, it is positive fuel all around. Let’s just hope the primary source keeps doing what needs to be done. I am doing the touching of hearts part, of course.
When someone betrays you, you lash out at them because it triggers an old memory of whatever early trauma set you on the path for narcissism. So in a way, your devaluation and attacks on your betrayers shows how vulnerable you are. But of course, since no human can be perfect, eventually they are going to fail to live up to your expectations , which to a narcissist is a form of betrayal. Does that sound about right, HG?
Their betrayal serves as a repeated reminder of the betrayals I have suffered before and the need to ensure that I protect myself from these eventual betrayals in the future. I agree there is a vulnerability which arises from the capacity for wounding through any form of criticism but I know how through lashing out etc to deal with that.
I really appreciate your honesty, and what’s more, I am moved by it.
I don’t believe in judging people, we all have the capacity for good and bad and we each of us has to live with the consequences of our choices.
What I have always felt from all of the narcs I have encountered is an black gnawing emptiness that I have often described as a black hole.
Whenever I’ve dreamt about any of them I’ve seen them shrouded by shadows or lost in a thick fog. Those dreams always leave me feeling sad for them for their lost potential.
I see you fulfilling your potential HG and that fills me with joy and gladness. You are bringing enlightenment to so many people with your writing and that is a very good thing.
Personally I’ve found your writing fascinating and empowering. It has allowed me to reach a new depth of understanding of myself and those who have treated me in such cruel ways.
It has opened up new pathways for me and given me back the reins of control. I’ve retaken the helm and can choose which course I want to steer in the knowledge of what I will encounter on my journey. I have the tools to adjust my course if necessary and weather any storms that may seek to wreck my ship.
This is all thanks to you HG. In my eyes you, like so many of us, are fighting your own battle. However you have the strength and the will to reach out a helping hand to others as you strive to make your way through the battlefield ahead.
I will not pass judgement on you, good or bad. Only you can do that and after all HG, it’s your opinion of yourself that matters most. I will just tell you thank you and I hope that you find what you are looking for in this quest you have undertaken.
Thank you for that CR12. Yes I am engaged in my own battle. It is one I choose to engage in each and every day but I am realising that the battlefield is starting, slowly, to alter. Nevertheless, my desire to be victorious remains undiminished.
What would bring victory?
In what sense?
You stated your desire to be victorious remains undiminished. What does victory in relation to battling your demons mean to you?
I was actually pointing out that my desire to be victorious remains undiminished notwithstanding the recognition that the battlefield is shifting ever so slightly and slowly, namely I can see a slight change but it has not stopped me from wanting to always win. Perhaps that alters further down the line?
I honestly don’t know. I know I hope it does but that would be my own belief that this would serve you better being projected on to you. Perhaps it would not serve you better. I read all of your comments in Predatory Lion post and you present an argument difficult to counter. I hesitate to say more encouragement toward change because it feels unloving at this juncture to tell you all the reasons why you should and how you will be happier when you can experience a fuller spectrum of feelings, especially Joy which is difficult to describe in terms of the profound feeling of connection to self and others that occurs in this vibration. To me, it seems lacking empathy means a lack of truth which affects the world around you but protects you. I know that you would counter that with your methodology is the only truth and yet here you are. I can better understand based on your comments why your way of being in the world feels superior and serves you and why should you have to resort to stepping into “our” way when it seems that feelings are a hindrance, a nuisance, a bother and an obstacle to winning at any cost. Victory has many definitions. Does someone always have to lose in order for you to win? Does coming out ahead with the desired outcome always require that someone else is left reeling in misery in some way? I’m just curious. Is winning getting what you want only or must the win include knowing that someone suffered or was trampled on to achieve the win?
As ever Bethany you articulate the position well and also demonstrate your empathic ability to understand where I am “coming from” which earns my admiration. Yes victory does have many definitions and we choose those which ensure that victory is ours. I regard the world as a zero sum place. In order to win, you must lose – there are many different ways that this can come about but that ultimately is what it is all about. The win is about getting what I want, if you happen to be trampled as part of that win, so be it, but your trampling is not the absolute aim, it is a collateral consequence of my need to win.
Excellent post HG. I just got out of teaching yoga as you know I am with many talents. Please tell me that is not you in the picture?
You indeed have many talents. Can you teach yoga and type at the same time I wonder?
What, don’t you like my self-portrait? That’s not very nice of you.
Yes, you know I can on my back but it’s delicious how you “wonder”. My question about your picture derived from my admiration you know that. I would suggest a tounge out.
Cheeky scamp.
Ha, Thank you. I will be more than happy to provide you teachings.
I will never forget the day I found your blog. I had already been researching narcissism. I knew my ex likely had it. I purchased some kindle books on recovering .. They helped but they weren’t what I was looking for. I was looking for my ex. I was heartbroken and longing and alone in my suffering. I needed my ex, I wanted my abuser to comfort me. She was the only one who could understand. To talk to me. it had been radio silence for weeks after a very traumatic, confusing discard. I can’t remember which kindle book I intially read … I just remember I felt love. I felt in love within reading the first few sentences. You were her. I couldn’t stop reading.
Eventually I realized you are not her. however it still amazes me when I read so many posts that enlighten her behavior. Literally word for word her behavior. You are better because you are honest. You are self aware. you are in therapy. You were the one who made me feel not alone for months. you also have higher standards for yourself and are more intelligent than my ex. I think she tried her best to be a good person, and when she kept failing eventually it shattered.
I think the hoovering is the worst part. If my ex had never contacted me to continue the abuse (several times …) , I would have not been nearly as fucked up. We all do bad things but hoovering is just evil. To continue to use and hurt someone who loved you …
I think There is still a lot more “good” to give. I really believe psychologists have hardly any clue unless they specialize. it’s really distressing to me. I have enough disappointment from friends and family. I think they’re generally clueless to how many narcs there are out there, as well as borderlines. you know girl interrupted was so .. Not real .. It makes PDs seem like “crazies” that belong in the looney bin. Why is verbal abuse and physical abuse, sexual abuse so talked about and shamed… But psychological & emotional abuse is not ? Why do borderlines have an excuse ? how about the damn victims ? Because they make themselves appear as such victims, meanwhile those who fall pray are crazy and inconsequential, lost in the masses. don’t we condone using psychologist abuse to get people to confess To things ? It’s an outrage when we find someone is coerced into a confession when they never committed the crime.
But people make light of us victims. as if we are seeking relationship advice. I can’t even. What the fuck?!? This is what gives narcissists power. sometimes i find myself wanting more revenge on other people. Instead of wanting the boogie man to get them I want a narc to get them. I want them to feel it all .. To be engulfed in it.
Then I realize it’s misdirected. How do we get people, psychologists to make this more public? To get people to understand what it is like. To make people realize PDs are all around us. How can we make this unacceptable ?
Hello FTF and thank you for your post. I can sense the seething and churning emotion in what you wrote. One thing stood out in particular and it was this sentence – But people make light of us victims. as if we are seeking relationship advice. – you make an excellent point. Nobody truly understands what our kind do until it has been experienced in full. There are several reasons for this:-
1. The façade. The N appears to be such a decent person that the listener struggles to reconcile the monster that is being described by the victim, with the person they understand the N to be. It makes not sense to them and of course, seeing is believing;
2. Selfishness. People are ultimately caught up in their own lives and do not have the time, resource or inclination to invest in really understanding what is being said;
3. Disbelief. Nobody is that bad surely? You must be exaggerating, seeing it out of context, mis-remembering. Our behaviour seems so vile that a listener doesn’t believe it.
4. Presentation. Usually when the victim lifts the lid on what has happened to them, they are exhausted and at their wits’ end. They seem like they are the one having some kind of episode and the listener is easily led to thinking the victim has the problem rather than the N.
5. An easy life. People don’t like confrontation and difficulty. If it can be avoided they will do so. It is easier not to grasp the problem of the N than to do so.
6. Downplaying. The listener will say “i’m sure he didn’t mean it like that” or “it cant be that bad can it, I see you and him looking happy together” and this combined with no understanding results in the listener thinking it is just a relationship blip rather than the entanglement with a seriously disordered individual.
Of course, don’t we just know all of the above and we exploit it to continue our torture of you.
Those who listen, many of those in the field of therapy, psychology etc do not truly understand what it is because they have never experienced it. How do you get them to listen? You keep highlighting the behaviour. If you know of someone who has relationship issues you point them in the direction of relevant literature and suggest that this is what they may well be dealing with. Normal people do not abuse people. Yes you might be short with someone when you are tired, say the odd hurtful thing if you feel unappreciated or so on but anybody who is subjected to serious abuse is not with someone who is misunderstood or someone who “occasionally causes problems” they are with someone who is disordered and more than likely they are one of ours. Too often society just puts it down to being “one of those things” which happens in relationships and this allows us to move amongst society with ease and allows us to continue doing what we do. If more people knew aged 16 of the red flags which arise in relationships BEFORE they embarked on those relationships, the damage caused by our kind would be massively reduced. The reality is people only wise up after the event, after the damage has been done. They probably have never heard of BPD or NPD before. They certainly did not recognise it when they were entangled with the disordered person but why would they? They wouldn’t know the signs and moreover, with our kind, you have someone who is deliberately confusing you, playing down your concerns, conning you with the golden period. Everything screams abuser but the victims never spot it at the time because that is how we operate and that is why we are so devastatingly effective. More people need to know BEFOREHAND what may lie ahead, that you do not make an excuse for someone who cold shoulders you, hits you, name calls you, locks you out of your house, keeps ignoring your calls and so on, and you recognise it and call it what it is. Abuse.
I agree with you about Girl Interrupted. I actually doubt whether the character played by Winona Ryder really had BPD. When I have seen it in others I saw very little of her behaviour in the film which accorded with what I have experienced when I have had a victim with BPD.
The portrayal of such disorders makes it look like those people do belong in mental health institutions and that they are noticeably “crazy” but we are not. We blend in with huge ease. We are everywhere. We are successful, charming, magnetic and a pillar of the community. Every person will know one of our kind. They may not be entangled but they know them alright because there are so many of us. The thing is, so few actually know and understand what to look for that it is only once you have been ensnared and entangled that you truly understand what it involves. I do not see that situation altering any time soon and thus we will be able to target, seduce and abuse over and over again.
I hope everyone on this blog and especially on this particular post reads what HG wrote here very carefully.
HG, you may want to consider a future post just on this topic.
There will be one along on this very point shortly.
Of all the the things I’ve read of your writing, this one has generated the most ️tears.
Why is that Bethany?
Because injustice is dis empowering. I feel despair as I consider that the two parties that fully understand the depth of the impact of narcissistic abuse is the victim and the abuser. You are so totally and comprehensively accurate in your outline of why this is so. As a victim who is moving into survival and greater awareness, I intellectually understand that my longing for Third Party validation of all I have suffered, is born of the same malady that got me into a narcissistically abusive relationship to begin with. No one can truly understand., thus, the only way out of the despair is through the despair. It should not matter if anyone else “out there” understands. But it does. It’s such a significant event- just like a tsunami or earthquake or an attack in the forest by a wild beast- a witness – a compassionate witness- is needed as we victims navigate here. I miss Flower and Rock here. She was that anchor.
Indeed Bethany, there are few people who are so secure in their outlook that they do not need that validation from another source. The insidious doubt, the creeping uncertainty and the propensity to self-sabotage are instances where the reassurance and perceived objectivity from another is what is wanted to bring a sense of confidence and security. Our kind needs that validation, in a different way, although we are loathe to admit such dependence on another. Your kind are steadily made to need it more and more as we suck you into our quagmire of confusion.
For me it was the one about how live got taught. I write about it now and I feel the tears coming…
This one filled me up with joy. Because it comes from him those words a good job makes him a good man in his mind somehow and because of all the positive comments that were there when I read it.was very satisfying to read 😃. … After one year … Was 🎉🎉🎉🎈🎈 for me.
So nice from you that this makes you cry Bethany. I suppose of happiness??
Now you also make me cry .😢. But its still also the love posting that strongly comes to my mind.
No my love. No happiness. No happiness here.
Why Bethany? Please explain why? I saw HG also asked you the same question… Hugs
Hugs Bethany. I like your posts alot alot alot 😃
Thank you dear one.
Thank you for being here, HG. I know you don’t consider yourself a “healer.” But, deep within – you DO have that power. Your soul shines through and we see it. It illuminates our thinking and improves the lives of many. That is just one aspect of your “good side.” I’m sure there are many, many more, and with time … you will realize that for yourself.
Thank you Hope for your kind comments and I see how apt your chosen name is.
Hope in a relationship with a narcissist is dangerous. It’s the last thing to die. The reasons for the tragic till-death-do-us-part endings. 😐
Agree totally 😃
Thank you HG ! I have read numerous sites to gain clarity and answers. But when I landed on your page, so many more things got clear. It was like my N himself talking to me. Your posts have helped me so much in moving ahead in life.
I had the chance to meet and speak to four of his ex-girlfriends. When we shared our stories, all had to same thing to say. That I loved and cared for him the most. The way I did, none of them could ever. And the reality is he treated me the worst despite getting so much from me. Emotionally and financially. My questions is, the person who loves them the most, do they really treat them the worst ?
Hello Peeya12, thank you for your kind comments. Fascinating that you spoke to four of his ex-girlfriends. Did you all meet together or did you meet them one on one, working your way through them? It is no surprise that your stories are so similar. Yes, the paradox is that whilst you provide the most love to us, you are then subjected to the worst behaviour. This is because that whilst other people may be devalued this tends to happen to people way down the fuel index who are completely disposable (someone serving us in a bar for example) and there is no need to maintain the façade with them. It also happens periodically with secondary sources if they transgress our understood requirements and that person will be isolated, devalued and cast aside before being replaced, but it is not something that happens often since those who are secondary sources usually form the façade and they are maintained in a golden period. The intimate partner is the one who gets the rollercoaster because he or she is the primary source and therefore:-
1. Is with us the most;
2. Interacts with us the most;
3. Is emotionally tightly bound to us;
4. Is not needed as part of the façade, indeed they must be the contrast to the façade;
5. Is the one who offers the greatest fuel potential – be it positive or negative.
Thank you for your response HG. 🙂
One of those four girls contacted me while I was still with him. He was dating her as well at the same time. We met one on one and came face to face with the harsh reality. We both dumped him. Later all of us met once. We were dumbfounded when we realised how he had followed the same pattern with all of us. Said almost the same things. They also told me that the things I did for him, they would never. I was his easiest target I guess as I was the one with the softest heart. He never treated any of them so badly as he treated me. He somewhere didn’t let his mask completely slip off in front of them. Though he was with them for almost one and a half years. He was with me for a longer.
From your reply I now understand that he didn’t feel the need to maintain façade with me. His mask slipped very quickly. And the fact that I didn’t leave then, he could continue.
He still pursues the other girl and pursues me too. We haven’t been able to go complete no contact with him. But he pursues her more strongly. I guess I was a secondary supply for him. Even though he would spend more time with me. Even though I had spent a fortune on him during the period I was with him. Even though I had bent backwards many times for him. Even though I loved him the most.
Once again, thank you for your posts. They are more helpful to me than you can imagine. 🙂
Thank you for adding more detail and you have identified how the repeated patterns are applied to our victims. You clearly are grasping the realities of his behaviour with what you have written and thank you for your kind comments.
This post took my breath away, HG. It is my favorite to date. You aren’t evil. I wouldn’t come here if you were. You have helped me and so many people. You came into my life (or I came into yours) at the perfect time. It finally makes sense even though it does not make sense at all. You’ve touched on what you’ve endured growing up and it is sick, sick, sick. I can’t even begin to imagine it.
You call yourself a bad man doing a good job. I see someone fighting his demon. You have good in you, HG Tudor, and don’t you forget it.
1J.
Thank you 1Jaded1 I appreciate your comments. Yes I have only touched on what I endured, the full horror has yet to be unveiled but it will, I realise that it must be done.
Just reading all the comments !! I loved the post too😀 However I can’t help but think of all this fuel that Mr HG is lapping up, does he want to be cured Hmmmm 🤔
What do you think Lisa?
You know the expression don’t fix it if it ain’t broke? I think that applies perfectly to HG. Remember everyone, therapy is not HG’s choice. (Well, it is…but the alternative is losing his inheritance – correct me if I’m wrong, HG – so really, not a choice.)
Hi Cody! Thanks for reaching out :). My username came from a few years ago. I started a little blog on here. Just about my life, my family, my kids. It was cute. Hadn’t updated it in a while but still had the username. And yes, I’m a sweet, optimistic person. Definitively an empath, but not a super empath or a codependent as I am learning through HG’s books. I love to read and learn. Cook, workout, and spend time with my family. My experience with the ex N was a roller coaster ride. Wish it never happened but I’m glad it did. I think it was supposed to happen to be honest. It changed me, in a good way. I am more aware now. And especially through this blog and books. I see it all as a good thing. To grow as a person. And to heal some old wounds I still had floating around from the past. Hope you are having a great night! And thanks again for reaching out and welcoming me to the community. Xoxo
The truth is that none of us knows exactly which one you are, although our codependent and projective nature compels us to insist on your true goodness in spite of your consistent and brutal truth: that you are a narcissistic sociopath doing this for his own agenda…not altruism and that you continue to have victims which means in no uncertain terms that as we sit here blowing fairy dust over your head a very real human being is being exploited and in an enormous amount of pain. Depending on where we are on the spectrum of our Healing, it’s obvious most of us are still drawn to and enamored by (lol my smart phone autocorrected enamoured to ensnared…pretty smart phone) roused the pervasive dark energy you exude. You terrify me. Wait, let me rephrase that. I terrify me.
Hello Bethany, good to hear from you again. There is force in what you have written and I have never shied away from advancing the brutal truth. I would also suggest that the desire to see good in somebody is an innate desire in most human beings. Were we not conditioned to the “happy ever after” concept from being little? This desire is magnified and amplified as you state owing to the codependent elements of certain empathic individuals.
HG Tudor says:“.. I would also suggest that the desire to see good in somebody is an innate desire in most human beings. Were we not conditioned to the “happy ever after” concept from being little?..“
HG, you say „WE“. Were you also conditioned to the „happy ever after“ ? If yes, is it still a part of .. idk how to name it. As i understood you have very little unaware corners in your being, your system or programs. Let me ask this way: Is finding Fuel a „happy ever after“ in your world? Would it be a „happy every after“ if you’d find the source for the Fuel in yourself?
Bethany, you win the most sane comment on this posting award. 🙂
(No raging, HG. Your comments are in a category of their own and would win awards much larger than anything I could give here!)
You rescued yourself there Cody!
Hi Cody,
You have no idea how much I appreciate your comment. Sanity is one of the first casualties of an abusive relationship, along with self respect and self esteem. Gaining these back is a two steps forward, three back process. It is really important to remain grounded- and not always easy to do so under the big fat shadow of our favorite Narcissist.
You’ve really excelled yourself with this one HG! It’s so true. I don’t hate you, I don’t hate anyone and I am grateful but I’m under no illusion as to what you are.
That said, when you interact with everyone on here, even though daily you tell us how bad you are. we have no reason to doubt this at all. And I beleive it. But you still come across as caring when you help us. Of course I know you’re not.
I watched a programme the other day, I think it was a horizon programme and it was explains how we all think automatically with our (what they referred to as) system 1. So for example we automatically know that 1+1=2 we don’t need to calculate this. We answer this with a different part of our brain to that if we were asked a more complex question such as 37×94. We can all calculate this but it uses a completely separate part of the brain, system 2. System 2 is for logical thinking and system 1 is automitic and intuitive thinking.
So when I see you interacting and helping people or the MN or any other N. I use my system 1 because I automatically want to beleive in your kindness. But I have to remind myself to use system 2 and apply everything you’ve taught me about Ns.
But this is becoming more and more system 1 now thanks to you …………bad man !!
You definitely saved my sanity! I don’t even bother with the rest now, there is no point. Something that comes to my mind reading this is that to know good, one must also recognise bad. Neither is intrinsically ‘better’, the definition and experience of each is subjective and contextual but both exist and both are natural. I don’t agree that you’re a bad man, HG, I’d say you can do bad things. But you do very good things too, so 🙂 xxx I heart you! xxx 🙂
Thank you SS, I appreciate your kind words.
🙂 My admiration is for HG the writer of courseThe one thing I still can’t get my head around though is how someone can have so much insight and understanding yet remain unchanged by it.
How do you know I am unchanged by it Seanstoirm?
Good question, I’m making assumptions based on your previous lack of remorse.
HG…yes I do swallow. Your “medicine ” silly. So much more to tell….anticipating “your story “. U going to make us wait until your super famous? Lots of bad people do good things. Nobody knows what is behind someone’s thoughts unless they tell. *listening to chorus of electric chair by Prince* U tell the parts that are relevant to help others and I thank you. I am Hungry for your thoughts and feelings which u say u don’t possess but u have feelings in spades. That’s not projection. U talk like your telling on yourself to fuck with other Narcs, that cannot be the only reason. You have so much feeling to keep at bay, you steal others so you don’t have to admit yours are there. This got heavy. Sorry usually I’m light and fluffy. Look a Pokemon!
Pokémon are ephemeral.
U really think I’m playing that billion dollar phase? I got paper to make myself. Thanks 4 for never acknowledging my racy statements. Can’t u pretend u want me? I know your afraid of me. Most men are intimidated by me.
I am not afraid of you.
Bring the pain! Puppy Dog. Okay yes I’m drunk taunting u. Challenge accepted?
Gee I hope so as my son is turning into one.
Pokeman are ubiquitous and annoying, HG. Can you please find a way for the world to discard them forever?
I know. The concept of combing your environment for a specific target and then capturing it in an instant just doesn’t seem right does it……
I spit my coffee out at that response…recovered now. It doesn’t, but when I see wanted people playing that foresaken game when they are wanted by the popo and finding pokemon in the front yard of the police staion where they are wanted…then being arrested…it does my heart good. Btw, it could only happen near my hometown.
I predict at least one unintended Pokémon Go outcome will make the news each day. The popo, who are you? Kesha?
No.
What have you been told about saying “no” 1jaded?
I will have to read the post that’s waiting…I don’t know much about Ke$ha, other than she sings and puts $ in her name, if that’s even her name. I doubt we are long lost twins.
Great post HG. Well done.
You have turned yourself around and made the decision to be a good man. I’ve seen the evolution of your verbal sparring. There’s more empathy, and you rarely seek negative fuel with your audience.
You my dear Sir, are evolving. <3
CNM, do you think you would say the same thing if you met him in real life?
In such a scenario the praise would be effusive.
Assuming HG will go offline I certainly would. I was married to his extremely damaging twin and dated other types he’s described. Thanks to HG the last one a shy, anxious, depressive hypersensitive Victim Narc did not last a month after the mask slipped. Now my bleeding empathy is more reigned in and healing escalating.
As to whether HG’s empathy is felt or cognitive, whether it will spill into his offline life and last, only time will tell.
That’s why I think a progressive greater good act is laudable, especially one of exposing narcissism by a narcissist.
Thank you CNM for you kind sentiment and excellent name.
You are welcome HG. I came here as a distraught Cinderella. *You* created the new me CNM. ❤️🙏
Wow. Rest assured, HG, you will never be lacking for fuel. 🙂
Rest assured, HG, you will never be lacking for fuel. 🙂
That is the plan Cody.
I have only been reading his blog for a couple months, and already I’ve seen his transformation. I know cynics would say he writes these kinds of posts for fuel –creating his own online reality show featuring himself as the star: a bad man turning good and none of it being real–but my gut tells me they are wrong. Either that or I am a gullible idiot. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, because HG is still helping a great many people. His light burns bright.
Yes 😍
You just answered your own question
I love this post HG.
This was written just for me so I can see just how spectacular you really are. So I can save me from myself.
May I desire you from afar?
Thank you for your services and good cause for the greater cause.
Always your Minion # 1 out of 12,433.
😉
Thank you SA that is most appreciated.
I’ve read your stuff, and so many boxes got ticked, so many things clarified and put into context. But the twisted part, that i haven’t been able to find addressed anywhere, is that I… like it. Not the devaluation or mistreatment, ultimately being driven away and left an empty shell. But the control. The fact that he made me his little toy. I want to tell him how amazing i find his control, especially over me. But I’ve been discarded. Just looking at how he got me so twisted though, and layer on layer of mind f*ck, i can’t describe the exquisite torture. I hate him and admire him. I know I can’t go back even if he ever did decide he wanted me again, I know about it now so I doubt it would be any fun or work anyway and would lead to more and worse pain. I just wish i could have served his needs without being driven half mad and ultimately having to give up.
Lilly, you may want to read Chained.
Cody what is chained about ?
I have, Cody, thank you for replying. Maybe I missed something in there. Perhaps because we met in the bdsm realm and our relationship took on that dynamic, that’s where my wires are crossed.
I’ve looked at other posts on this site which suggests that being the perfect little puppet is boring. I wasn’t this, I’m willful and independent in my own right, but i could see how maybe he just didn’t know what to do with me with the D/s in there, or got tired of the effort, or something shinier came along.
But no matter what i read, i ultimately hear it as “i failed”.
There is no may about it Cody.
Hi Lisa! Chained is HG’s excellent book on Codependents and the Narcissist (paraphrasing the subtitle to the book).
Hi Lilly. We all ultimately “fail” with the narc. HG is very blunt about that. But lucky for us he also lets us know that we actually have not done anything wrong. The narc WANTS for us to feel like failures, because that is a big part of what keeps us hooked and trying our hardest to “make thing right”. And all of this provides the narc with glorious fuel.
I’m going to guess that the BDSM arrangement could easily reinforce this pattern, but I also don’t have a lot of knowledge of this area, so I will hold back from trying to advise further. I will say that it is really great that you found this site and I hope you keep posting and learning, and healing in the process. 🙂
Good point Cody.
Thank you Lilly, the tortuous conundrum which ensures you never move beyond our orbit. Tell me, do you engage in BDSM?
Yes.
It’s amazing how easily this behavior translates to the kink world, in fact. Are you going to write a post about that at some point?
In my case, I met my N on a site dedicated to that kind of thing. We had talked online/phone for a while but, being bad at saying no as your recent post explains, I was convinced to meet for a play session before I felt entirely ready to.
Upon meeting, there were also a number of subtle and not so subtle consent violations resulting in more boundaries being assessed then disregarded – leaving me with very minor but still permanent scars. Add to that the lovely chemical cocktail of endorphins and such that go on during play, as well as trauma bonding, just helps to reinforce and solidify the seduction phase. All within a few hours of seeing this guy face to face for the first time. Talk about energy efficiency. Of course he said the scarring was unintentional and I believe him. I doubt he was/is aware of all this or maybe he is, but not so calculating. Either way it seems to have been the result that he came at me hard and walked away having conquered and claimed new territory, while I’m left in a blissful stupor on my knees and craving more.
Obviously not every dominant is a N, but I see now how easily one could use that to their advantage consciously or unconsciously and how hard they would be to spot even if they were more open about their behavior. Things like speech/eye contact restriction, service oriented submission, humiliation and degradation, impact play… All normal and accepted fetishes that can be openly displayed in the right venues (although at least for me the ones that I now strongly suspect might be Ns don’t like to socialize in public groups or play in dungeons. They stick to the fringes of the community). Such a fine line between sexy funtimes and thinly veiled abuse.
Now I can’t help but see this kind of behavior everywhere on the site. More so dominants, but even submissives too. And definitely subs as codependents. Now that I’m “free” of this Dom, others that I had been repeatedly turning away appear to see wounded prey and are coming back around. I didn’t know what else to do but deactivate my profile.
Thank you for sharing that Lilly. It is certainly a hunting ground for certain members of our brethren and as ever the ambiguity that can be seized and applied to blur the line between sexual adventure and abuse is so tempting to certain elements of our kind. I relish my role as a dominant disciplinarian. I have mentioned previously how I liken myself to a totalitarian regime and consequently that is rolled out in this particular arena as well, the all-pervading, all controlling power of the state which does not recognise the individual. A fusing of the Ministry of Love with the principles of Ford, where I, the state knows best and I the state am everywhere.
Did you have just the one play session with your N or more?
You would make an excellent politician 😜😜
Ha ha thank you Nikita. I know.
Vote for me.
Of course . i would always vote for you and even make campaign for you 😃
Marvellous.
💋😘
You relish being a dominant disciplinarian? In and out of the bedroom? Obviously the power and control surges must be off the grid. Is it more enticing for you to seduce a new partner, inexperienced with some BDSM, or have someone come to you well seasoned?
Either. Both. Fuel dictates.
There were a few play sessions among other things. I probably shouldn’t go into specifics on your blog as that might be inappropriate. That session was an exciting start, for sure.
If you wish to detail privately you may e-mail me at narcissist1909@gmail.com and I can analyse your contribution there.
Thank you. I wrote to you from my gmail account.
Noted.
Just a clarification on the last paragraph….we (victims)did not do wrong, we were wronged. We( victims) have committed no errors, failures or mistakes. Trusting and loving someone is never a mistake. We were wronged and we are now righting these wrongs through your writing.
Bless you HG, there are just people who equally or disproportionately do good and bad things. No one does all good and no one does all bad.
I am sure many know the poem, children learn what they live…it resonated with me since childhood.
This blog and your books are your testament and in a way, a form of your own healing.
For my CN, I do not think of him through my hurt as all bad. I can still see what was good to me. It isn’t always black and white.
I disagree with the statement “we victims have done no wrong.”
That’s one of the roadblocks to healing. As children we were helpless victims. We couldn’t very well run away at 5 years.
As adults the moment we choose to stay after the first blow, insult or denigration, we become volunteers.
They drop the mask, show is who we are, and rather than accept that, we pick up their mask and hand it back to them even giving them rationalizations for their behaviors.
“That wasn’t you.”
“Sorry I triggered memories of your xxx”
Staying as HG stated in a previous blog implies consent.
An sociopathic guy I talked to called it a relationship of mutual abuse. As empaths we try to “fix” them to be like us, with our emotional wiring. We choose not to accept the obvious, that their definition of love and abuse is different than ours. According to their wiring we “disrespect” them by failing to live up to their idealized version of us, “criticize” them knowingly and unknowingly. They respond by hurtimg us and we notice they need to hurt us to assert superiority. We notice the glint of joy in their eyes then a jab hits home and rather than get the fuck away, we tell them the only brand of love that works is ours. One where conscience, empathy and remorse is the only way. They rarely tell us they don’t feel that way but they do show it, time and again.
Our need to be right and change them is the “abuse” that keeps us entrenched in lifelong battles.
You don’t have to be a victim. Choose to be a survivor. A relationship ceases to be abusive when either person walks away.
Cinderella no more….I am about empowerment and surviving. I don’t see myself as a victim, now….when I was unaware of what he was and that nothing was as it appeared…..I and others were chosen, by HGs words as victims. Was that what you didn’t agree with the usuage of the word victim? It was not to suggest that there are no victims, that we deserve what we got because we didn’t See the signs soon enough, we didn’t leave after the first raised voice, or broken glass or slap?
This is not related to victim blaming or shaming? I don’t judge anyone, for every situation is personal to that individual and I speak only from My experience, as you speak from yours I don’t advocate the narcisisist Position. I have advocated for many throughout the years against stigma, sexism, Rascism and abuse of all types. I would never perpetuate the stereotype of a forever victim. But, narcissists do choose victims. Whether we remain such, is entirely up to us, as Individuals. Do we remain victims, no not if we are able to escape the abuse and recover and heal. That is the ideal and the goal.
Replace the word, victim with we ( survivors) the concept is stil the same message….we did not ask to be chosen or abused. I have left every abusive relationship, I have tried to fix the relationship and when unable to, I leave. When assaulted he was removed ASAP. I do not tolerate abuse of myself or others. I do not claim to know others personal situations, I am speaking from The victim/ perpetrator stance. I am not going to tell someone who feels they were a victim, they were not. I am not them, I cannot speak to their personal situation, I can only respect them and offer support,
I am advocating healing and freedom from abuse. Let’s not lose sight of the message, if I chose to stay knowing what he was and what I was to endure by remaining, then yes I would be volunteering to do so. But, one can not discount the various dynamics at play, in each personal experience. Including the emotional effects of abuse and fear and shame.
The purpose is to learn and help each other heal.
I was a victim, I am no more. Just as your name suggests, free from oppression and abuse.
Yes, when we walk away we are free. I have no need to be right or to change anyone..I understand change can only come from within for ourselves.
I appreciate your perspective. Even if different from mine. As we are all individuals with a voice. We are all learning as we go.
So then, CNM, what brings you to this blog? Care to share?
Disagree and you’re contradicting yourself you mention ways of surviving and superstition but you’re taking the role on the narcicist suggesting that we are at somewhat fault
I think the point here is to understand what is being done to us…. I see HG as a narc but he is educating me on what I am going through… The question is does he still continue on with this know full well it fucks with lives? He is a bad man but to his credit he is enlightening all the victims out there including me.
He is NOT a bad man but just does bad things because he has a personality disorder. Do you think any of them wake up and say “I am going to be a real fucking douche today just because”. I think not.
Knowing about mental illnesses/personality disorders and how the brain is wired and how it fires different then what we call the “socially accepted” behavior will help grasp the reality and the enormity of it.
Jeffery Dalmer KNEW what he did was wrong but he could not stop doing what he did. I use him as everyone knows how fucked up he was.
My sister-in-law is paranoid schizophrenic, she knows that the voices are not real (when the meds are working) but she can’t stop them. These are the extreme cases of mental disorders. But nonetheless a mental/personality disorder.
They can not help it. It can only be managed. For the rest of their life too. This alone is enough to have a bit of sorrow for them. They can not be like us. Don’t hate them, just get away from them or have the tools to learn to live with them, if you must.
I have decided not to be mad or hate my Narc. But he can still go fuck himself………..cause he is not fucking me. Haha
HG Can I use my four letter words here? I don’t do it often.
#My bad #Potty Mouth
You may do so because expression is important.
An interesting proposition Jessica and thank you.
💞💞 so many positive comments for you💞💞. Finally a post with only positive fuel 💞💞
Drown me in it Nikita.
Hahahaaaaaa
❤️❤️❤️
Hi HG , reading this made me cry. Try not to enjoy that as an N, just for one second !!! I am still stuck even though I’ve read all your blogs and am forming some understanding although it can never make true sense as it is not logical , none of it , but that is the nature of the disorder and trying to apply logic is pointless and that’s what keeps the victims like me stuck amongst other things. Putting to one side lesser, mid and greater, which I have read. This is where I am still stuck , when my N is constantly playing the victim and talking about all the things his exes have done to now make him terrified of relationships and then does the wedge golden wedge false discard . Is this all deliberate gas lighting or is this a way of managing the illness . He must know the truth ? Also there seems to be a link very often with how their first love broke their heart ? My theory on that is that it’s just they started to be aware of their disorder when they entered into relationships ? When you spoke in your blog about your first 2 girlfriends , it seems like you were not an N, but almost stumbled across it when you first triangulated ? But the disorder was already there wasn’t it ? From childhood ? It’s not just a technique that’s learnt and then repeated ? But you didn’t seem to be detached from feelings with your first 2 girlfriends ?
Thank you Lisa. He is telling you this all to bind you to him through your kindness, your consideration and sympathy. Yes it has always been there for me since childhood, the technique is a combination of natural evolution in order to defend myself but then that becomes honed, sharpened and amplified through observation of others (and one in particular) who behaved in this way. I want to be the best at all that I do and why would it be any different in terms of my manipulations. I became this way through the way I was treated but then I realised what I could do with it, I embraced it and developed it. Sarah and Yvonne were fortunate. They were there at the beginning as my powers began to awaken. They therefore got off lightly. They also benefitted from my distraction over Amanda.
Thanks HG did you mean Bind or Blind me ?
Bind.
Hee hee angelic sweet snicker, HG, I love this.
As well you might CC
You are doing an excellent job HG. Thank You! I have only just begun to acquire information about my N. The reason being when I tried to read other sources of information all it did was frustrate me and add to my confusion. Although the excellent information that you give on these post are sometimes painful to comprehend, if taken and applied I know that it will become for me and others a means of freedom , life giving, and changing for the better of victims lives wherever we may be. And You will be famous for your contribution of your writings. And for you continuation of supply🏆
If he continues his present condition
Amen
Dear HG. I’ve been a follower of your blog for a few months now, and have read practically all of your books, but this is the first time I have commented. I just wanted to say thank you for all you do. Your books have been eye-opening for me and has helped me tremendously in my healing.
Hello Ann, thank you for your kind comments and for reading my books, I do appreciate it. What is your story if you care to share it? Of course, if you prefer not to, that is naturally fine, I am always interested to know of course.
I was targeted by my N towards the end of my 22-year marriage. I was married at 23 and did not have many relationship experiences. For the most part, my marriage was good, except when my husband started drinking heavily towards the end and our family unraveled. My N was a friend who I met at work a long time ago, and we stayed in intermittent contact throughout the years. I made the mistake of confiding in him about what’s going on in my marriage. It turned out, my N was no friend to my marriage. Looking back, I was ripe for the plucking. He took advantage of my weak state and sadly, I allowed him to do so. I guess I was being love-bombed, but didn’t realize it at that time. I finally left my husband because things were just getting so bad at home. However, I somehow still had the presence of mind not to move in with my N when he asked me to. I just wasn’t ready to get into another full-on relationship even though we were already seeing each other at that time. I wanted my own space where I am able to gather my thoughts and lick my emotional wounds in private. Shortly thereafter, my husband and I divorced and the N and I started seeing each other openly. We “dated” for 1.5 years, and during that time, I was able to do my due diligence and really got to know his character. There were a lot of red flags, but because of my codependent nature, I didn’t want to just give up. So, I persevered. I didn’t know about narcissistic personality disorders then. He was in his mid-50s and never been married. But he clearly wanted to be in a relationship. I just chalked it up to just not having found the right one, yet. I guess the narcissist in me thought that I might be the one to finally get him to settle down. Wrong! It turned out he was a pretty heavy drinker too, and I thought “what the hell am I doing with him, when I left my husband because HE drank too much!” Then when we are out together, his eyes start wandering and starts commenting on other women’s attributes. I think he was hoping for a threesome. I said no. Because he doesn’t like to drink alone, he always wants me to drink more than my self-imposed 1-drink limit. When I say no, he pouts. He would give me the silent treatment when I wouldn’t do what he wants. There were many other things that he said and did that just really made me question my judgment as to why I continued to stay! I tried to break things off several times, but somehow always found myself hoovered. It got to a point where I found myself praying to God to get me out of this relationship. And then I had an a-ha moment and realized that his ego is not going to allow me to leave him, so I had to find a way to make him leave me! The opportunity came up when he tried to triangulate me with another woman. What he did hurt me deeply, so, I wrote him a long letter in bullet form enumerating all the red flags and all the bad behaviors. I told him what my boundaries were and enforced it. He didn’t like my letter. And true to form, he left me. While it was still painful, I also felt a tremendous sense of relief. But I knew that wasn’t going to be the last time I will hear from him. Sure enough, six weeks later he started calling me again and acting as if nothing happened. But this time, I was more prepared because in those six weeks, I managed to get myself out of the emotional fog. I talked to him once and implemented no contact thereafter — I blocked his numbers on my cell phone, and I refused to pick up the phone when he calls my office number. He has e-mailed me several times, but I never responded back to any of them. While I still had so many questions about what went wrong in the relationship when it started out with so much promise, I didn’t want to open that door again and give him an opportunity to suck me back in. Then I found your blog and it explained everything! I dodged a bullet! So, thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! God bless you for what you do!
Hello Ann, thank you and you are welcome. You are showing considerable fortitude in maintaining your no contact. Yes you were ripe for the plucking and naturally he identified this and made his move on you but you trusted your instinct and moreover listened to it. You are doing well in stopping yourself succumbing to the need to receive answers and I will underline and emphasise the point that he will not give them to you but rather he will merely give the impression of doing so in order to tempt you back in.
Welcome, Ann! I read your two posts, by the way, but only have the ability (WordPress, damn it) to reply to this one.
Are you SURE you’re a codependent? Because based on what you described in your second post you sound extremely strong. Empathic? For sure. But a true codependent would not have been able to do what you did and in such a relatively short time. How do I know? (Hint: look at my name.)
I hope you are proud of yourself for finding the strength to get yourself out. I will look to you as I already do to others on this board to inspire me to get to a similar place. But as a “Co-D”, I know it is going to take me a bit longer. (Therapy would help, too, with the right therapist but can’t really afford one right now. So thank God for HG’s blog.)
Hi Cody. That’s what my therapist said that I am when I told her about my husband and his drinking. I found myself making excuses for the fallout that resulted from his drinking, which enabled him to continue drinking. Thank God he finally stopped when I left. That was in 2012. By stopping, it probably bought him a few more years and the opportunity to make amends and put his family back together. My leaving was also the impetus that he needed to face his own demons from when he was 8 years old. He never dealt with it and so he had this anger inside him that manifested in ways that were destructive later in life. I don’t think my husband was a narc, but he certainly had narcissistic tendencies as well; just not as pronounced. That’s probably why I got sucked in by another narc, who is a true narc, because he saw me as damaged goods, and therefore, easy pickin’. I’m happy to say that when my husband died 6 months ago, he was a changed man. A Godly man. We got back together the last two years of his life and it was a great relationship; in some ways, better than the first time. I always say that it’s not always how you start out in life, but how you finish. And my husband finished strong!
You’ll get there, Cody. Don’t give up. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. If seeing a therapist one-on-one is cost prohibitive, perhaps you can find some sort of a support group. I found one through the meetup website — Divorce and Relationships Recovery Network. I don’t know where you are, but perhaps you can find something similar. H.G., I hope you won’t get offended, but I would like to plug in a book that has also helped me tremendously in my journey towards healing…? The book is by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, titled Boundaries.
Seeing as you asked politely Ann, I have allowed it through gritted teeth. Please do go to their works and recommend mine to redress the balance.
You are most kind, H.G. I have, indeed, at my support group! I bring up your books to anybody who would listen! I think your honesty and insights are most valuable. 😘
Thank you Ann, I appreciate that.
Keep up the good work, H.G. You’re an MVP in my playbook. 👍
I am obliged Ann. Does MVP mean Most Victorious Prince?
It can be whatever you want it to be, H.G. Whatever gives you the most fuel. 😃
Ha ha you are learning.
Indeed! 😜
What can one do as a parent if you have a child with one of your kind?
I am the not your kind. Have lost custody and hardly se my kid due to manipulative bullshit. Such as violence and rape none of wich I have done of course. The story can go on..
Any sugestions to me how to handle her (your kind) and what I can do to protect my child? (5 years)This was the mild and very short version. Would appreciate your help.
Thanks! MJ
Hello MJ, I have your details thank you. I will send a substantive reply through that medium in the next few days. The content of Manipulated, Fuel and No Escape will assist you in understanding why your are dealing with a person who engages in such behaviour alongwith ideas and observations to assist you in countering them.
Great! Thanks I look forward to yoyr reply!
You are welcome.
You are doing a very, very good job. Indeed. And when I interact with you, I never forget that all the past girlfriends, past friends, co-workers, etc., that have been on the receiving end of your treatment leading to those accusations of being “evil”, “satanic”, and better, “hell’s representative on earth”. It makes me absolutely terrified of you. And on the other hand, we have conversed, we’ve joked, you’ve improved my situation with an individual who caused grave harm and hurt to me and I have felt comfortable enough to share very personal details with you. Thus I continue to also have an intense fascination and interest in your well being. I’m deeply grateful for finding you and beginning to have a peaceful existence again in my own head after a year of discourse. I don’t want you to be a “bad” man forever. Be a good man doing a great job.
Very nice! HG is a nice person. If something in the past made him be “evil” with others, it was the circumstances.
I don’t want him to be a “bad” man forever either! Guess only time will tell :). But what I have learned from all this is that I can’t change anyone. They have to do that for themselves. I believe HG is doing just that (even though he doesn’t see it yet). As for my ex N, nope, he does no good whatsoever. lol. And I agree, HG is doing great work. :-). I don’t know, maybe he isn’t and never was a “bad” man. Just misguided. It is fascinating! I don’t know him. But what I do know, is that he is helping a lot of victims. And that, is a very very good thing in my book. :). Many thanks HG. I feel more free now and at peace. A beautiful thing
Hi Sonshine. Welcome! If you feel like sharing, how did you come up with your name? It sounds like the name of a children’s book- definitely sweet and optimistic. Please feel free to share your story as well. We are a good group and great listeners as you must know by now, fellow empath. 🙂
Expressed with your usual eloquence Clarece, thank you.
Now then…please, please tell me that’s not your real mug shot above we’re all looking at!!
You know it’s not. It is far worse.
Very true. You are (as all Narcissits) a bad man. One thing that kept me holding onto my ex N was that I felt he must have some good left in him. Somewhere, deep down. That I could fix and heal him (being the empath that I am). But I see now, through your writings, that is not the case with him (or any of your kind for that matter). It is freeing. So yes, you are a bad man, doing a good thing. I for one, am (and have been for a while) done with the sugar coating. For all of the victims that find your blog and books and take it all in. We are stronger now. Able to escape. And able to stay away. Forever. Thank you HG. I enjoyed this post a lot. Well written as always and insightful.
I am obliged.
Ya know when I get done reading something like you just wrote here? It fills a lifelong LONGING in me to finally HEAR what I knew to be true about so many things. (Validated.) And finally told the truth! (Respected!) To witness THIS KIND OF OPEN HONEST DIALOGUE going on with YOUR KIND!!! It’s a MIRACLE! The REALM that NO NARC WOULD GO WITH US!! It’s the REALM of INTAMACY!! (“INTO-ME-SEE”!!!) I feel like you have always known me, and I KNOW YOU ALRIGHT!! “They”stole all that from me when they took off their mask! Then I figured out THAT was all bull! And even then I refused to believe that the monster was more real then the illusionary golden heart for umpteen years each!! YOU have answered my questions in just 1 weeks time that opened my eyes to so much already! You are shattering all my illusions and yanking false hopes from my white knuckled clutches! Thank you! I have been brainwashed, drained and addicted to so many Narcs and their issues til I disappear… You are providing a tremendous blessing to everyone who comes here that needs you. So are you bad? Or are you good? My favorite preacher lady Joyce Meyer (my adopted t.v. Mom) she says Love is not a feeling only, it’s how you treat people! So, you love us in that sense and that makes you a good man to us! I know you don’t feel love for us, but I’m glad that you are amused and enjoying watching your life have such a HUGE IMPACT!! As for you being a bad man? Once again another Narcissist is splitting my mind in 2 that is doing me so good and countless others! While KNOWING He is a force of destruction to others.. So, I’m positive they know you are bad! Cognitive dissonance strikes my mind again because of a Narcissist! Go figure right? when you write something awesome like that? I look at your good and forget about the bad! But you already know that about me don’t you!! I’m so grateful
I enjoyed reading that Heather, at times you put me in mind of an evangelical preacher. Can I get a hallelujah?
NO
Is that His Eminence morning selfie? yikes…..that would require serious amounts of fuel to make that image disappear. I can’t remove it from My mental image now. A face only a mother could love. Unless the mother is a narcisisist.
I don’t think you are a bad man. What if you are actually a good man in a bad job, I am not referring to the good work you do regarding enlightening victims about narcissism. I mean the job you maybe be consigned to otherwise and elsewhere or on behalf of another. You do not have idle hands, HG.
You are who you are, you admit such and accept that. Those who get you, also accept you. So, write on.
I am both “Narcissist & Rescuer/Fixer” and you speak to and expose “both” of me quite well & clearly HG. Thank you for your brilliant illumination about and upon “both” of us, each one of us individually and the broader community of discerning, recovering and healing friends. Along with the impact of your astounding imagery of your posts, your words are most enlightening and in these latter days of 2016, facilitating emotional medicine typically unattainable for the wounded soul! Thank you for sharing with us your brilliant transparency of your character, counsel & knowledge!
Hi Roger, may I ask , what you mean by you are both ? How is that possible ? Thank you
Roger somehow I think being both makes perfect sense, as I think I know one as well.
Greetings Ms Lisa. As I have evolved over my 59yrs of life, I have discovered that I have had and retain both characteristics of toxicity. In short, may I just say that the enlightenment of transparency from great tutor’s such as HG has been extremely helpful in understanding “who” I was and “am” as well as many other beautiful/clinical resources available to us online. Also in short, may I say that my particular journey led me back to my original childhood emotional trauma around age 8 that experienced both an extreme regiment of Nazi-style childhood disciplines from my father; in which I assimilated his Narcissistic tendencies as an adult AND as that Narc-Tyranny reigned down upon my Mother, I began to try and “rescue & save” HER from my father from which; in my perception at that time, was an Unrelenting Monster, thus creating my “Fixer/Rescuer” relational articulations to all others with whom I felt needed to be “Rescued.” Through incredible Teachers such as HG and others I am now on the other side of both conditions. Although it took the loss of a 32yr marriage and a 6yr courting relationship in which I repeated my “fixer/rescuer” articulations upon yet another FNarc. May I say; as well, that a “Fixer/Rescuer” also has many elements of “Codependency” in nature. Typically Narc’s and Codependents are intrinsically drawn together like powerful magnets. They appear; at times, to have a “sixth sense” about each other that draws them together through that form of emotional radar. I finally learned this at age 59 and 46yrs of relational dysfunction/destruction being magnetically drawn to two different FNarc’s of similar destructive passion. So much more to say, but will depart for now. Thank you for asking.
Thank you for sharing that Roger, it was interesting to read about your experience.
Thank you Roger.
HG, I for one do not see you as bad man!! I see a small hurt child trying to survive, this was his way of doing it!! Abuse comes in all forms! We suffered it and so did you!! For some of us it started as children instead of becoming you we became us, your other half! Where you have no emotion or empathy, we perhaps have to much!! Either way we have all suffered and I believe if it is what you want you can beat this beast!!! So please don’t call yourself a bad man!! You my dear sir have saved my life! And I will always be indebted to you!! God bless you HG!! Xoxo
I agree with Fool me. You also changed my life. I cant imagine where I would be if I would have not clicked on that link that night. You are not a bad man. You are the light that comes out of the darkness. The bright side of the moon.
I am thankful to life and God that I found you 😍😍😘😘🙏🏻
Thank you.
Thank you FM1T.
The image in this article is it a be priest? What is it?
Me.
Ok so you’re a little priest looking ugly creature obliged to do good to look more beautiful in on the inside? It’s just a question hahahaaaaaa totally loved the answer made me laugh
Are you kidding?! I know my narcs whole life from the time he was born, his parents, his siblings, his life events and he never ever suffered. Ever. He chose to have this exact life as HG. He follows the safe path of destruction; has no conscience; and carries the same pride and arrogance as HG. The sympathy for this narc is saying you haven’t read or learned a thing.
I would point out that his history is evidently different from mine. I’m not arrogant by the way, just better.
I’m so confused. Confused about your blog. I know you are widely looked toward for information and
understanding and only have so much time to answer people. However would you have time to give me clarity?
Only one way to find out. Ask.
The orlast born with my narc is that he had a troubling childhood because his mother exploited their talents and abused them emotionally and physically that’s why they fear her so much and she barely shared love or physical expression of love like a touch or a hug physical contact with a child is very important during growth and she barely gave that plus in the years of his parental marriage which was tumultuous and didn’t last was very wrong and bad with a lot of fights because they were so different after her divorce she stayed more period of time with them and that made it all worse