Ten Unintended Consequences

 

Image result for picture of unintended consequences

The law of unintended consequences applies to much in the world and is just as applicable to the world in which you have been inserted by our kind. In terms of unintended consequences arising from an act committed or a step taken, there are three categories. There are the unexpected benefits. For instance, aspirin is used as a painkiller but has also been found to be an excellent anti-coagulant and is used to assist those with heart and circulatory problems. There are the unintended drawbacks. For instance, Prohibition in the United States during the 1920s suppressed the alcohol trade. Its unintended consequence was to drive alcohol provision into the hands of organised crime which resulted in those organisations becoming wealthier and better funded to expand their criminal activities. The final category concerns the perverse result. I have two favourites examples in this regard. The first became known as the Streisand Effect whereby the actress and singer Barbara Streisand took legal action concerning the online publication of a picture of her home. Prior to legal action only six people had downloaded the picture. Following her legal action 420 000 people downloaded it as a consequence of the coverage of the case. There is much to be said to not drawing attention to something by complaining about it in the first place. The second example of a perverse result concerns the then British government’s handling of venomous cobras in Delhi, India. It was decided in order to encourage the local populace to hunt down and reduce the number of cobras that a bounty would be offered for each cobra killed and handed in. Enterprising individuals decided it was easier just to breed the cobras than hunt them down, kill them and hand them in. Once the government realised that this was happening, they withdrew the bounty. The populace then released the now worthless cobras. Thus the number not only was not  reduced but actually increased.

The unexpected drawbacks and perverse results are also applicable to you in terms of your dealing with our kind. Owing to the fact that most people do not know what they are dealing with, how we think, how we regard the world and why we do as we do, these people approach any issue concerning us with what they think are sensible and well thought out intentions. They believe that dealing with us in a certain way will bring about a desired result which will prove beneficial to them. This lack of understanding, incomplete analysis and attempt to control something which they do not actually know how to control, results in unintended consequences of the unpleasant variety. Here are ten examples of that at work.

 

  1. Giving us a dressing down

Intention – to put us in our place so we know you are displeased so we do not repeat the behaviour.

Unintended consequence – you provide us with fuel and we do it all the more as we realise how well (from our perspective) you react

 

  1. Mirroring our behaviour

Intention – it will stop us doing what we are doing

Unintended consequence – we will shift to a different manipulation and apply it with greater vigour against you

 

 

 

 

  1. Telling everybody how awful we behave towards you

Intention – people will believe you, support you and turn against us

Unintended consequence – you are seen as The Crazy One, your position is eroded and ours becomes stronger

 

  1. You try to reason with us

Intention – we understand the error of our ways and will correct them. You feel satisfied

Unintended consequence – you ignite our fury through this criticism of us by suggesting we are wrong in some way and you become frustrated and upset at your failure to make any headway

 

  1. You turn to one of our friends for help

Intention – we may not listen to you, but we will listen to our best friend won’t we? The problem will be resolved

Unintended consequence – you are feeding information to our lieutenant. You are seen as treacherous and this helpful intention will be turned around and used against you.

 

  1. You tell us everything about yourself

Intention – by opening up yourself to us you hope we will do the same and therefore there will be mutual trust and understanding.

Unintended consequence – you are handing us bullets which we will later fire at you based on what you have disclosed to us about your fears, weaknesses and vulnerabilities

  1. You second guess us, anticipate and dedicate yourself to avoiding upsetting us

Intention – we will be pleased, you will not set us off in any way, there will be peace and harmony in the household

Unintended consequence – you may achieve peace and stability but at the cost of your sanity, reason, sleep and nerves and the period of stability never lasts.

 

  1. You play hard to get with us

Intention – by treating us mean we will be keen, yes?

Unintended consequence – you are criticising us. We will lash out at you and go and find someone else to triangulate with you who does what we want.

 

  1. You tell us what we really are

Intention – you gain the upper hand by letting us know that you know, you also hope to cause us to reflect on our behaviour

Unintended consequence – we deny what you are suggesting, we will not accept it and we lash out at you for having criticised us in this way

 

  1. You beg and plead for us to change

Intention – since we apparently love you, this emotive display must surely go noticed and we will respond in a constructive fashion

Unintended consequence – we drink up this delicious fuel and keep pumping it out of you by hurting you further

 

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125 thoughts on “Ten Unintended Consequences”

  1. Bravo, HG.
    A must read for anyone who is convinced that the HG they read here – the bad man doing a good deed – is the same HG they would meet in the real world. 🙂

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      1. Nikita, I believe what HG writes here. And he makes very clear how he behaves in real life. He does not mince words and he does not spare us the truth.
        No one believes in the innate goodness of people more than an empath. And no one exploits this hope better than a narc.
        What do you honestly believe would happen if you and HG met in real life?

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  2. With number 1. I actually do not follow this mindset, to be fair, I only want to be able to export my emotions, be heard and then accept and understand through communcation, why I was correct or why I was wrong. I nevr seek to harm, wound, criticise, it is simpy a purging of thought and emotion. It takes a strong man to be able to stay and listen and communicate regarding another’s emotions. CN was not this man. He only lashed out and retreated, silencing communcation. A man who can listen, beyond the distress or frustration and stay, is truly a King among men.
    I am self admittedly, indeed, the Queen of number 6. Number 7 is not an issue for me.
    I never told him what he is to gain the upper hand. But, instead to show him I accept him as he is. But, he either didn’t know what he is, or didn’t want me to know he knew.
    I do not Expect anyone to change, but myself. He expected me to change, but not himself.

    These again are more pearls of wisdom to add to our N jewelry box.
    Thank you HG for keeping my eyes open and alert. I wil prevail this time around, I will keep your words in my mind.

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      1. Miss, you comment as much as you need to! Know one can ever comment to much! Perhaps your commenting or asking a question someone else wants to but is not comfortable doing so. 💐

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      1. I dont even know if I can change that about me, I have an knack for annoying, even when I don’t try to be, then I feel so guilty. I always thought it a good thing to be open and honest. But, I guess we can be taken advantage by doing so. I still am open about myself. I dont think that is bad quality to have Nikita.

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      2. Of course we are not going to change Jana. Dont change yourself. Self Love is about being yourself and liking every bit about it. Besides its a positive trait so why change it. Hugs

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      3. I am aware some aspect of myself do require changing, like the way I overthink and the way I allow myself to get so emotional are the two Main offenders. Yes, Nikita I do need more self love and acceptance. To accept myself As I accept others. Thank you.

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      4. What is worse not always , but often I am aware I am doing them, but cannot seem to stop. When overfilled with emotion , especially taking in negative emotions of others, I need to purge my feelings. Un fortunately, most don’t want to hear that or be on receiving end of it. So, often I hold on to things and well, we all know that isn’t healthy.
        My friend suggested I take up boxing, I think he might like, to spar with me, in the ring, that is 😊

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      5. If it pleases, Mr Tudor, can you explain in which manner you intended your comment? Firstly, with reference to plant one? Are you inferring with his mouth or his glove? With the comment of shut me up, are you suggesting that physical violence is the only way to shut me up, that I should be shut up, or that if he kissed me that would stop me from talking. The use of the phrase, shut you up! Suggests entirely otherwise. Or is this entirely voyueristic and you would like a play by play or blow by blow of the match?
        I don’t advocate violence, as you know I have been physically assaulted . So the idea of a man punching me In the face to shut me up, doesn’t appeal to me. A man kissing me to stop me talking, does however appeal to me greatly.

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      6. Well it was applicable to your unanswer. He likes me, he would never hit me that way. Not even my accident. But, yes, better to be safe, then sorry😏 plus, there are much better ways to quiet me, but, I do not want a kiss from him, either.

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      7. Ohh Jana I see.. I wont be able to help
        you there with a tip as I am also very emotional but pretty calm.Even when angry 😂😂. Boxing e👍🏻👍🏻

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      8. Yes, I would not thought of boxing as an exercise form for me. He really enjoys it, think I would too. I am calm, till triggered or stressors effect me, negative energy, over thinking….I beat myself up, so I will start with a punching bag instead.

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      9. You remembered.😃. Miracle is her name. She recovered completely . She got a blood transfusion and still lots of medicine. She is now very playful. I rescued her together with a little cat ” shiny” and they are best friends. I left them with my mother and my daughter who is still in vacation and I receive videos every day. I am glad I saved her from dying. When I went to the vet I had to sign a paper that said that She was in a bad shape and I accepted that she might not recover etc etc. i left her overnight and them next day she was eating and better everyday. Thanks for asking.

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      10. Aww, miracle, proper name and shiny,…so sweet…I can almost see them scampering around…..they will love you for always….such a wonderful act of kindness. So pleased to hear she is well xx

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      11. Yes , two rescued kitties…Chester, my daughter insisted we keep his shelter name and Ridley is the girl, one from a shelter and the other I rescued from outside last Autumn….they get along pretty well. Except the stray eats all of the male kitties food, so I feel them separately now….they are like brother and sister now. I grew up with dogs and cats. I love animals. Xx

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      12. Ha ha……anyone is old enough to watch any film, regardless of when it was made….aka the Internet and video rental places, when we had those.
        Rent it then and watch it now. Young man…ha ha you are older then me.

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      13. Still laughing btw….it was a good laugh, thank you HG. I had to check on releases date, 1979…..I was a toddler, so I didn’t watch it then either…..but I eventually did watch it when older….and then again, when even older.

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      14. That one gave me an enduring laugh…..I love old films…did you ever See the film, Rebecca? Neither of us were born when it was made….1940…..I am positive you are not that old….compliment btw.

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  3. Thank you for telling us our mistakes! It’ll be fun NOT to do them anymore! So, when my ex Narc comes here for his tools and appliances in my basement.. Do I just act like a gray rock? I’m getting a free dryer to replace his so I can get this last meeting over with. Do I just remain, cold, neutral and indifferent? Help! :@

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  4. Once again I have been educated on the many ways of the narc. I have literally forced myself to calm down at times and other times I am still very hurt and vocal. This is all still very new for me but I am learning as I am going.

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    1. Jessica, we have all been where you are right now! There are so many stages that you will go through. Please just keep reading the blog and all the books you can! If you are not sure,all you have to do is ask HG! He will help you, as will any of us that are on the blog. It is not easy and it takes time but eventually you will start to heel. There will be things that you won’t want to read or that will hurt! The simple fact is that the truth usually does hurt! But I promise you if you stick with this blog and HG, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and you will heel and move on from this! Always remember you did nothing wrong!! Xx

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    2. Jessica… Keep reading. Read EVERY single one of these articles. I’ve gone through some major things in my life, and none of them caused me as much despair and literally physically nauseous and dizzy heartache as my relationship with a narcissist. I still cry in the shower sometimes when I’m alone with own thoughts of how a person that I loved so much could have played me like dime-store toy for five years… But this site (meaning HG, thank you HG) was my saving grace. I feel like myself again. And I am strong and awesome!

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      1. I completely understand been there done that and completely empatizie with you receive big hugs from here kind regards clary

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    3. Hi Jessica.

      I dont comment so much anymore on the new comers to the blog because I am not sure that if I dont know enough background of the situation I might give the wrong suggestion. Last year we were few commenters and knew our stories pretty well but the blog turned into and continues to become a big HIT, ( I see HG becoming the ultimative NPD learning icon) and therefor difficult to know the details of all the new cases that come everyday.. But in your comment above as HG says, you have to think with logic. As per my experience only logic will lead you through the path of letting go and feeling no more pain. Logic and selflove. Two words. Very difficult to achieve but if you every day start making a baby step towards them, one day you will look back and see how much you have advanced and this will motivate you to take then bigger steps which will one day take you to your very own podium.
      Good luck and all the best wishes to you and to all the new readers in sufferement thaf have recently joined the blog.
      Logic and selflove I wish to all of you 💝.
      For the logic please continue reading this great blog “evil” and great author HG Tudor.

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  5. Yeah, I know all about it. I no longer beg my mother to change. I say, “I wish you’d change, Mother, but I know you’re too old.” Not that I’d change if anyone asked me 🙊

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    1. Hehehe just focus on yourself not having her behavior affect you in any matter at all whatsoever and your recovery kind regards clary

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  6. This one is SO EFFING spot on! (Am I allowed to say “effing?)
    I really did NOTHING wrong in five years, like really… nothing. Didn’t flirt with another guy, didn’t cancel plans, didn’t keep him waiting, didn’t forget a birthday or significant event, didn’t betray a confidence, didn’t embarrass him in front of others, never once rejected sex, like seriously… nothing. But I was subjected to silent treatments or devaluations because of EVERY-SINGLE-EFFING-ONE-OF-THESE! (I can say “effing” on here, right?)

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      1. I’m far from a stepford wife type… My point was that we victims are typically good loving partners, and have no idea why we are being “punished” when it happens. Hindsight now, we know that it was simply because we were not good compliant little prisoners, we questioned what was happening to us and tried to address it and change it, LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. But were fishes trying to climb trees. In other words, we were normal good partners to very abnormal people… Wonderful beautiful fishes… but fishes can’t climb trees properly. So we are devalued and discarded for that. Anyway… not saying I was perfect in anyway, just pointing out the twisted dynamic that happens.

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    1. Same here Sherry
      But when I look back I know I got devalued for talking to other people in the street or event, specially if they were men.
      Because I asked the wrong question, which indicated I was not listening and had a different opinion ( none of the two are true), and for many little things.
      The more I strived to be ” perfect” sometimes the worst it got…
      I saw it in the past and somehow knew but with this post was like a aha moment..

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  7. This gave me so much clarity on my ex’s cruel and inexplicable actions. He did things deliberately to annoy me, now I know he actually did. At the time of course, I had no idea why he would never listen to reason and I wondered why he seemed to take so much sadistic pleasure in making me miserable.

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  8. Has your ongoing treatment with Dr. E & Dr. O had any affect in your present relationship (Kim?)? At this point it is so extensive. Have you maybe found in yourself that your perception is evolving and you maybe don’t feel criticized or wounded as much which in turn would create the scenarios above for the IP to always try to remedy?
    The only 2 I haven’t done is confide to any of his friends or try to make him look bad to everyone. My close friends know, but his actions speak for themselves and they agreed with me.

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    1. No because there has been no transgression or treachery so far. Criticism still wounds but I have the ability to control the fury and actually find that I have improved in that regard.

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      1. With books going into paperbacks, requests to do radio talk shows, possible future trips to do in-person interviews, is it getting difficult to keep this double life hidden from your family and girlfriend? At some point do you want to even attempt to share with Kim what you’re in treatment for and the writing you do? If not, don’t you think at some point you would want your intimate partner to know all layers to you and still feel accepted? The next step in establishing intimacy? A conflict will develop at some point because you are constantly evolving now if you choose to keep all this hidden.
        That is impressive and great to hear that you are developing more self control with the fury deep within.

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      2. No it isn’t Clarece. The advance into paperbacks sits alongside the electronic works and whilst I am sure people will now want signed copies I have been practising writing my name in a different style of handwriting to avoid detection. Radio shows are great because I can preserve my identity. In person interviews, well we shall have to see what happens in that regard – I think I will need a Mission Impossible rubber mask for those. There is no difficulty with family because they know how I behave and have been gaining an understanding of what I am, so there is no issue there. It is not difficult to keep matters away from an intimate partner. I do not live with anybody and I have had a lifetime of subterfuge, misdirection and deceit so my skillset is well honed. Even if an initimate partner picked up one of my books I doubt they would realise it is me because I am in effect hiding in plain sight with them.
        Do I want to share? Not at this point, but given what I have seen happen over the last couple of years then I know that intransigence although articulated for its own ends is not actually a reality. We shall have to see what happens.
        Yes, the exercise of greater control is pleasing me. Though I suspect it ought to belong under an unintended consequence.

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  9. Interesting read. I read *Malignant Self-Love*, also written by a narcissist and it’s fascinating to see the difference in explanation for how to deal with a narcissist provided by that author and the explanation offered by HG. For example, “mirroring our behavior” in encouraged in the other book, HG breaks down what the effects of that are. I’m curious if HG has read this book, and, if so, what his thoughts are on it.

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    1. I tried “mirroring his behavior”, i.e. giving him a taste of his own (not replying when he finally contacted me after a silent treatment, making my own dating site profile and shooting him an email on there saying “thanks for the great idea” when I discovered his). It doesn’t work. They know us, and what we’re made of. They know what we’re doing is not real, that it’s about them and our attempt to “show them”. They are laughing and lapping up the fuel, or they are making their next move to punish us further, or manipulating their way around whatever it is we are implementing, or all of the above. We are not their kind, and they know this well. HG is right… it WILL have an unintended consequence. It will NOT work for the purpose of giving them any perspective or insight, not in a million years. I mean, sure… if you are mirroring their behavior just to get a little of your own sweet revenge before escaping, then go for it. But in this context, with having the intention of it doing any good, it will not. No way, no how. 🙂

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      1. That’s exactly what I was wondering. The other author’s information was interesting, but less practical than what HG provides. It would appear HG has more insight into what he is doing, particularly as it relates to the audience. Thanks for this answer.

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  10. NM, I think the other book you read is by Sam Vankin? Most of us on here have come across his work in our narc research, and most of us (typo, HG: ALL of us!) who decided to stay here agree that HG’s blog is superior for both learning and healing. I think SV is married and has some piece written by his wife about how to live with a narc. Which is really not what abused empaths need to read- because you know how most of us start the research journey with the desperate hope that “I’M the exception” or “he may be awful but can change for ME”. I know that reading SV actually gave me hope that with just the right therapist, G and I could get to the happily ever after he has been promising me – in between devaluing and silent treatments – since we met.
    And then, I discovered HG. And I never went back. Sam who? 😉

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    1. Really Cody!!!
      For me was a total contrary experience. When I rembember my SV times before I found HGs blog I wanted to run away from him. I was terrified and got the message from SV run away as far as you can and as fast as you can. He even has it in a video. How do you deal at best with a N. Leave him.
      With HG I got to see more the human part if it. When I read fuel and fury. I have to admit that when I read confessions and the first books I thought also .. Run away., but then the next books and the continuation if the blog gave me a more ” non run away” and confirms my non hateful approach to anybody that has a PD.
      Its here that I have learned otherwise.
      Look forward to hear more from you so that we can understand why we have such different experiences.

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      1. Nikita, I believe what HG writes here. And he makes very clear how he behaves in real life. He does not mince words and he does not spare us the truth.
        No one believes in the innate goodness of people more than an empath. And no one exploits this hope better than a narc.
        What do you honestly believe would happen if you and HG met in real life?

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      2. I think me and him would have lots of fun together 😃😃😍, interesting conversations, a nice dinner, etc.
        I would love bomb him.. 😂😂😂. Do you think that being here almost for a year now, I have not learned from the best teacher 😜😜

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      3. SV definitely mentions somewhere that it IS possible to live with a narc, and as evidence trots out his (no doubt long-suffering) wife. I think she may have a Slavic name? Anyway, this was all I needed to convince myself that yes! I CAN do this! I can make me and G work! Sure there’s a lot of scary stuff in his writings, but all I needed was that one little ray of hope.
        It was only after finding and reading and eventually posting on HG’s blog that I began to understand that that little ray of hope is going to be the end of me.
        HG is refreshingly blunt – kind of like sticking a pin in that hope-filled I’m-the-exception balloon. Which I actually really needed. Narcs don’t want to change. Their “system” or whatever you want to call it works for them. But I DO want to change. I want to one day be strong enough to get out of my non-relationship with G, and maybe even get to a place where I can find a non-narc and have a genuine, loving relationship. That’s my new little ray of hope.

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    2. I never read SV as closely as I have HG and never walked away feeling like I understood why what was happening was happening. I think to the recommendation that when the N rages, you rage back. I see, now, how that’s not the best choice and, more importantly, understand why. At the very least, I know what to look out for so I can prepare properly and not get sucked into the the black hole of the N (which, until now, I could never seem to avoid). In fact, just this weekend, armed with the information in HGs blogs/books, I was able to dodge a hoover which I, previous to reading this information, didn’t recognize the interaction as a hoover. I watched as the N amped up his hoover, trying to get me to interact and it just didn’t work. I felt awesome … there was punishment afterwards (unfortunately, though, it was aimed at the children we have together … so next task is to figure out how to protect the kids. I’m sure this will be a harder task than simply protecting me).

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      1. Well played with spotting and evading the hoover NM. Yes it is harder to protect the children because they obviously have no comprehension of what they are dealing with, so you you will need to extend your ring of steel around them on their behalf.

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  11. Point taken, but you suggest the narc is untouchable. I can see this for a greater, perhaps even a mid. Why is the case for a lesser? What am I missing here?

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      1. Not able to return the favor back. Hell if I can’t generate direct contact (due to distance as you say), I at least want to make him sip a little drano. He really could use a package of soap..,

        looking forward to the sequel hg.

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  12. Curious if anyone else has kids and the unintended consequence for you standing your ground is the N tearing devaluing/character assassinating/discarding the children?

    HG, any suggestions?

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  13. HG, At best, the narc father of my children is a mid. Any recommendations how to best him at his attempts at triangulation?

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      1. I may have misinterpreted a response you gave “triangulation at its foulest” ,with regard to my concerns that my ex N, father of my children, will tear down, devaluing/character assassinating/discarding the children.

        However, my children (boys) are 11 and 8. Their dad has them two times a month. He spends time talking about all the horrible things I did to throw him out. He occasionally tells them I liked my life better before they came along (repeated to me by my oldest – coincidentally after I had a phone call with a friend lamenting my single days/days pre-children as I had more time for myself, and a call I had when I was home alone [how the hell do you bug a phone?]). The children are more “bold” when they come home from visits with him; challenging the rules we have here. They let me know how much he pays in child support each month, and then demand they get more things (their demands fall on deaf ears). I see it the most in my oldest. He and I could be fine; right as rain, before a visit with his father. He comes home and has a nasty attitude and it can take a while for me to check him so he will get back with the program at home with me.

        I don’t talk to my ex N, at all, if I can help it. We talk about the children, but even that is at a minimum. If he has questions about the boys, I tell him to ask the boys. I don’t answer calls. Any information regarding sports events is forwarded via email, PDF attachment only, no words in the body of the email. Ex used to try to tell me how the boys preferred to be with him, not me, etc, that’s when I shut down all communication.

        The boys are loyal to their dad. I know there are other things said – and that he will devalue them, but they won’t talk to me about it. Anything I can do, provide them a tool box if you will, that would be of benefit. I ask because I see some traits in the oldest one and I want to extinguish that before it starts to burn in earnest

        Sorry, I prattled a bit.

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      2. Hello NM, it is a difficult situation. I suspect they are too young to be equipped to deal with what he says, they lack the resource and understanding to apply anything that you may equip them with and in a way you are asking them to apply adult techniques. He is their father and therefore anything you do which asks them to challenge or defend themselves against their behaviour will make them feel like they are having to choose sides and they will not want to that. Indeed they may resent you for causing them to feel like they have to. You are handling communication with your ex in the right way so he cannot obtain fuel from you. Since the boys see their father you have to deal with the fact that twice a month he has an opportunity to try to draw fuel from you. He does this in two ways.
        1. He says things to the boys knowing that it will be repeated to you and this will make you react. He doesn’t see this but anticipates that you will behave in this way.
        2. As above but the boys tell him about your reaction (because he will quiz them about it) and thus draws fuel.
        The massive advantage you have is that the majority of their time is with you. Therefore you will influence them the greater than your ex and over time so long as you maintain the right kind of influence and do not alienate them in any way or push them to him, they will work out who they prefer to be with. You have a “cool down” period which is challenging when they return from dad but you can deal with that, neutralise any attempts at gaining fuel and as you write they then get back with the program at home. If the spent more time with him than you, the concerns would be greater, but you evidently parent them in an effective and supportive manner and as you continue to do so, ensuring you do not react to the things that are said, your influence will outweigh his and cause the eventual shift and also he will lessen his behaviour as it will not provide him with the fuel he seeks so he will seek it elsewhere. I was always influenced by my mother, that is why I became,I understand, what I am. I had no counterweight at all. You are that counterweight and evidently an effective one. Keep doing what you are doing and the challenging behaviour will lessen as a consequence of your continuing influence and his lessening interest in gaining fuel this way. Do not cause the boys to have to enter the fray (even though I know your intentions are good) as this will back-fire.

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      3. Hi NM Its a very assertive suggestion FROM HG. Never make the boys feel that they have to take sides. This deeply hurts a kid.
        Good luck managing the situation at its best. When there are children involve try to ignore and forget any feeling of anger or resentment to your ex.

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      4. HG,
        Many thanks for your thoughtful and insightful reply. I am most grateful.

        I have worked to minimize any fuel my ex can obtain from me especially from the boys reporting back things he’s said to me. I’m neutral to dismissive of anything they report he says (now). It was after this last hoover dodge that I realized he jumps from me to the boys in search of fuel that prompted the question. I see, from you response, I have done all that I can and should continue to do what I am doing. I am not interested in the boys having to take sides. They are entitled to a relationship with their father, however it manifests. I only want to try to shied them, or lessen the hurt a bit, from the moments of devaluation/discard (I’m hearing about name calling (e.g., mamma’s boy); being chastised by their father for their close relationship with me (e.g., why do you have to tell your mother everything?!); refusal to be allowed to call me when they are with him; minimization of academic achievements. Because they’re children, sometimes they’re completely oblivious to his behaviors and that’s wonderful. Then, there are times when they are aware and are hurt. At this point, I try to assuage the pain as best as possible without maligning their father and without excusing his behavior (my oldest son once said to me it was “like Daddy has a monster mask on under his face”). I focus on what their experience is and try to push forward. Your input has been valuable.

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      5. You are welcome NM, you clearly have the measure of the situation. More than half the battle is knowing what you are dealing with. So often people do not know what they are dealing with and therefore are fighting blind and with both hands tied behind their back.

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  14. See HG, if I don’t kick them off the plane, then I am going to run out of fuel and crash anyway.

    The only way to end in my favor is to kick off the baggage and passengers.

    Intentions: Save Myself, Self Preservation

    Unintended Consequences: Bitter, Resentment, Sorrow, and Crazy

    Again the pain to stay is easier than the pain to change.

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