Have You Seen Who He is With?


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You have been discarded in an unceremonious fashion. If that was not bad enough, word has reached you (naturally purposefully sent your way by our obliging lieutenants) that we have hooked up with someone else. You haven’t even had time to stagger up from the brutal dumping by the wayside that you have suffered and we have already invited someone else into our bed. Naturally, you want to see who has replaced you. Everybody does. This is not just a case of seeing who this person is but it is about your self-esteem and your self-worth to see who has replaced you. You organise a way to observe the replacement and through your own supporters you find some background information about this person. The combination of this viewing and intelligence gathering causes you to remark to your best friend,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

This is not announced out of breath taking admiration for the person who has replaced you. You are not looking on a stunning beauty who holds down a high-powered position in a major corporation, or who is a leader in her particular field of research. She is not known for her charitable work, being universally liked, someone who is committed to family and friends, someone who shines like a gilded trophy partner. She is the opposite.

You invariably undertake an inventory of your own selling points. I have witnessed this many times. You know that you are attractive. Many people have commented on this. Whether it is your glowing smile, your radiant eyes, your lustrous locks, your curvaceous figure, enticing cleavage, elegant shoulders and a score of other things, there is plenty about you that attracts the admiring looks. You may not be a Nobel Prize winner but you know you are bright, hard-working, articulate and have a keen interest in the world around you. You are well-liked by people. They praise your compassion, your wicked sense of humour, your wild side after a few tequilas or your competitive yet fun nature when it comes to sports and games. You are independent, aware and resourceful. You have an excellent job, you probably had money (until we appeared and leeched it away), a decent home and those trappings which denote the fact you are in regular employment and have good taste. You know you are a catch and that is not a boast. There is always room for improvement and you have your flaws, hey, who doesn’t? Nevertheless, you know you have plenty going for you.

But who on earth have we chosen?

You may not wish to be unkind to another member of the sisterhood but your jaw dropped when you saw that first picture that was posted on Facebook. We were stood there, huge grin on our face, arm wrapped around this new acquisition who is, well, everything you are not. If you are curvaceous, she is rake thin. If you are slender, she is packing some beef. Whereas you have long hair, hers is shorn short and looks as if it has been done in anticipation of her beginning a marine training course. Your elegant dress sense has been replaced by somebody who got dressed in the dark. Your eyes shine with intelligence. Hers are dulled from idiocy, drink or narcotics. Your nails are long and sharp, hers are bitten down and dirty. You learn she has no job, or is wearing an electronic tag, has a reputation around town for being a slut, had her children taken away from her, is known for shoplifting, comes from a notorious family on the other side of town and so on and so forth. Pick any combination and you will be left with someone who is not a patch on you.

You may have an initial surge of pride that you stand head and shoulders, metaphorically and possibly even literally, above your replacement, but we know that this is often overtaken by a sense of confusion and bewilderment. Why on earth have we chosen someone like her? After all the compliments that we gave you about the way you looked, how you behaved, the various characteristics that we praised and admired in you, why have we gone down market in choosing your replacement and why do we look so damned pleased about it?

There are a number of factors which you should have regard to.

  1. You may be witnessing a Panic Pick. If you escaped us and we had not embedded a new primary source of fuel, you will have forced us to rely on supplementary sources as we frantically sought out a new source of primary fuel. This is the result. We would ordinarily target someone who has the traits which we look for which align with the type of the narcissist that we are, however, the need to put in place some form of primary source is paramount and consequently we will sink our claws into the nearest half-decent (in terms of fuel provision) appliance we can locate, target and seduce. This person is the outcome of this. Your cessation as being our primary source of fuel, threw us into a panic and we have picked this person.
  2. It may be an Immediate Ego Boost. This also occurs when you have escaped us. Your escape is a huge criticism to us and wounds us. We need fuel and we need it soon. This person has not been targeted for the characteristics which we might purloin from them for our own use (as we did with you – claiming your successes and achievements as our own, basking in the reflected glory) nor have they been targeted for the residual benefits (money, status, good home and so on). This person has been targeted because they are so grateful to have someone take an interest in them that the fuel is gushing and pouring from them. It is likely, although not guaranteed (dependent on the type of narcissist that we are) that we will be a decent catch (or at least appear as one) for them. They feel extra special for having someone so good looking, successful, interesting and so forth take an interest in them. They cannot believe their luck at having traded up in the relationship stakes. Their reaction is one of total devotion, massive fuel supply and this makes us feel all the better after the wounding that we have received at your hands.
  3. It may be a Two Fingered Salute Triangulation (or a Middle Finger Triangulation dependent on where you hail from) which has been done entirely on purpose to undermine you. This happens where we have discarded you and we want to make you feel alarmed that we have chosen someone so beneath you but we chose them over you, so how bad will that make you feel? If you ever challenge us about this replacement and how unsuited she is, you can expect the exchanges to go something like this.


“You always told me that you loved my long hair.”

“I was lying. You took too long drying it when we wanted to go out. I have always preferred short hair and Sandy’s is just the way I like it.”


“You told me you didn’t like skinny women.”

“I never said that. You are just jealous because you are fat and I have found someone who really does it for me.”


“She doesn’t even work, you’ve always complained about people who are scroungers.”

“She looks after me. It is a shame you didn’t do that but you cared more about your job than me.”


“She is some two-bob skank whore. Everyone knows that.”

“She is a firecracker in the sack believe me. What would you know, you are an ice queen?”


Whatever part of the replacement’s appearance or whichever characteristic you identify as being undesirable, we will negate that, criticise you (even though we have always said we liked said characteristic of yours). This is done to upset you so you provide fuel, demean you and erode your self-esteem whilst making us look good in the eyes of your replacement. If this happens to you, you should consider that what is actually happening is that you are being given an early and brutal dose of the truth. What really mattered to us was your fuel and all that praise and all the compliments was solely done for the purposes of binding you to us.


  1. This arrangement provides the basis for a Triangulated Hoover to win you back which stands a greater chance of success.

“I was so lost without you, I lost the plot and chose her. I have no idea what I was thinking, she was not a patch on you, do you see how much you mean to me? I could not find anybody who came close to you. I made a huge mistake and she made me realise that it is you that I really do love. Let’s try again?”

The comparison between you and this less endearing individual and our apparent remorse and contrition is designed to maximise the prospects of this hoover succeeding. You will be shocked by how “off the rails” we appeared to go in choosing the skanky individual and you will be relieved by our apparent realisation that you are the one for us that you are far more likely to accept our overtures and be hoovered.


We will behave like we have found our soul mate (sound familiar?) in order to confuse you and make you feel utterly miserable that we are now happy with this person who we chose over you. You will invariably be caught in the grip of still wanting us and therefore to have been discarded and then replaced with someone like her, hurts you hugely.

Accordingly, should you ever find yourself remarking,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

On the basis of sheer amazement at the down-trading that has gone on, you will now understand the motive and rationale behind it. You should also keep in mind that whichever of the four scenarios detailed above has happened, your replacement will not be in situ for long. This person is a temporary primary source of fuel who will soon be dispensed with. This person is a stop gap to allow us to receive sufficient fuel in the interim while a more suitable and longer lasting victim is selected or is a method purely designed to lash out at you and hurt you until we find again someone more suitable and longer-term.

For once we are not reflecting you.


39 thoughts on “Have You Seen Who He is With?”

  1. Hahahaaaa!!! Read it again! Made me laugh, especially the “jealous because you’re fat.” Thanks, I think I needed to read it again.
    She lives in his neighborhood and I assume he was peddling around on his faggy bike and he spotted her bending over picking weeds in her yard and he was like… “Yeah! There’s a desperate woman that may allow me to pretend she’s a man!” Thanks H G!

  2. Hello HG….I am not new to this kind of abuse but new to the realization of what it actually is, hence the name EpiphanySmiles . 😊 I have so many questions and going through so much emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially. I have been, to what I now know as “discarded”. I have been reading up and listening to a lot of you tube videos on narcissism and came across “interview with a master narcissist” and it blew me away to actually hear honesty and truth from an actual narcissist! I believe I was involved with a covert narcissist and I am also realizing the depths of my codependency so as I’ve learned this is the “perfect storm” concoction for the both of us. Is your take any different on a covert narcissist or is the bottom line the same ? It’s all about the “fuel” ?

    1. Hello Epiphany Smiles and welcome on board, you will certainly receive the answers to your questions here and you are evidently gaining insight already. I don’t use the term cover narcissist. Not that there is anything wrong with such a description but I opt for others which I feel are more representative of the differing shades of narcissism which exist. The Mid-Range is close to a covert narcissist.
      The bottom line is the same for us all, as you state, it is fuel.

  3. My N is not on FB at all and has not been since he tried to hoover me in March. I know he hooked up with the chin beast shorty after. I believe he wont be spashing this one around for all to see. He is desperate and deathly afraid of being alone so any hole in a port will do for now.
    Thanks again for this article H G.

  4. This happened with narc #2 she was the complete antithesis of me. I remember feeling surprised and thinking that perhaps I was not really his type as he had gone back to his ex. But I didn’t feel bad for long as my friends proclaimed she looked like a transexual or a witch but best of all my son said “God she is one ugly bitch mum, you’re way better”. What was funnier was my son told him that too. After that I didn’t care.

  5. You promised you wouldn’t use my pic if I sent it….boo. Your phrases made me laugh. Panic pick…two finger salute…I lost the plot. So funny…and yet so not funny…but always informative.

      1. Fiona as in the green lady? Princess Fiona? Ah, that is where i have seen her…. narc ended up with someone who looked like her, minus the green. She prides herself on being “thick” but her thighs are large and through clothing, you could see dimpled with cellulite and lack of exercise. Uneducated. Penniless. A 17 year old child with no future but to hope she lands some man. And him boasting about her being his Boss. She is gone… but wow… I may not be young, but I am good looking, have decent income, smart, educated, articulate, creative and thoroughly rejected by him and most of who I am and how I live put down and belittled. What a bizarre thing to witness. Narc has been with many attractive women and he ends up with an uneducated Fiona like child? rotfl …. yeah, that pretty much speaks to how dead he is inside. And she and he are no longer… gee, wonder what happened there….I had to get help with this from someone because of the deeper pain in this for me. The person said, “Narc will do anyone.” So his rejection of me was even false. If you have no true standards, and are using anyone, then every reason he used to reject me was a lie. LIke him.

  6. So true, such amazing insight HG .

    I have to admit when I saw her I felt a whole lot better about myself. It was like WOW is that IT ?? !! Is that the best you can do ? .Calling her ” Skanky” would actually be a complement , bitchy but true.

    Thanks for this, another box ticked .

  7. I have heard exes putting the next one down like an ugly bug and other exes not carimg And being objective.. At the end physical beauty is subjective and things like social classes, jobs status dont bring hapiness or better said dont bring fuel..
    I wonder now is : how to apply value to a a person? Like when you go to see Polo .. For me all were so beautiful I never saw the difference..but there was a scheme to value them.. and Slaves were valued on the muscle mass
    I see it useless to compare. All have plus an minuses and nobody is under the other.
    Was fun to read 😘😘

    1. Well stated, Nikita. I agree. I never judged who he was with or replaced me with. I only questioned why he chose me. There was only one that upset me, but it wasn’t for how she looked. It was for who she was, the One he lied to me about for years in our relationship. It was that broken trust that hurt me, nevr what she or anyone looks like. Fact is. They all looked the same pretty much, except me. He went against type with me. Ask would ask why, he had no answer for me. Guess, HG summed it up..Fuel doesn’t not discriminate in such things. It just is. If we provide. It it flows continuously. Then it is worthy.
      I certainly don’t lord myself over another, I do not think I am better then anyone. My self esteem is not that soaring. I know who I am and as Alexis said, what my worth is. That is all that matters to me.
      As you said, we all have pluses and minuses another who we are.

      1. Yes we all have and at the end love is about feelikg that connection and not anything physical. I relember an interview they made to one of the too models in my country Carolina Cruz google her if you want. She is totally beIuriful succesful and all what you want and then the interviewer asked her I guess you have mever neen betrayed being one of the most beautiful womem of tjis country.. And she amswered yes lany times betryed and even left. … So in the mid term its just the heart

  8. Oh HG!
    I did enjoy reading this…You’re blogs are brilliant!

    …however…I’m truely glad to finally be over this narcassiatic crap…being indifferent and unaffected is definitely the way to go 😊

    Good luck to the poor souls who he ensnare. ..

  9. I was triangulated with a vacuum cleaner( a Dyson). He told me he found my replacement and gushed over it high and low. It struck me as an odd joke because it should have been light-hearted, but felt deeply painful. Went n/c not long after. He has no social media or any friends.

  10. Thank you HG! This was one thing I could just not get my head wrapped around!! Now it makes perfect sense!! Xxx

  11. Question about #3, please. (The Middle Finger Triangulation) If disparaging, yet truthful words were said to you by us about your newest traded-down, dented appliance – would that make you less likely to idealize her in your mind? Or make it harder to go through the idealization process and keep your interest on her?
    I have a feeling fuel is fuel, and our snide comments might even make your less glittery choice better for you.

    1. No. Your words are born out of spite and jealousy. The new source is supreme. You’re the failure. We will draw fuel from your nasty comments.

  12. This may be pure coincidence because I know it’s all about the fuel for narcs, but several people have pointed out how similar I look to G’s ex-wife. We could not be more different regarding “success” in life (not only does she have a job but she is a high powered executive), but I am pretty sure she must at least be a super-empath. (I think her field is marketing and even though “high powered” and “empath” don’t usually go together, most employed empaths I know who go into business wind up in HR or marketing.) Based on my research, G does seem to have a physical type. I guess where we live has so many empaths for him to choose from that he has to narrow them down somehow!

  13. Yes why did he ??

    Haha love this HG !

    Mine triangulated me with someone of a similar standard and to be honest I think he was lucky with both of us because it’s been all down hill from there !!

    I can’t be sure but I think the girl he triangulated me with also discarded him, he had definitely been devaluing her. And she went awAy, although not completely NC like me. He was way, way out of his league with both of us.

    Since then he’s had to grab any low hanging fruit he can and he does. I know I heard one guy say the girl he was seeing would, ‘put him off his dinner’ bit nasty that.

    It’s helpful to know though, that it’s abou fuel. I thought he would have gained his fuel from the comments he got from others about who he was with. But I guess as you point out HG it’s more about the fuel from the individual concerned.

    I know my worth, it’s validated regularly by others and I never let him get that far into the devaluation to affect that.

    1. Amen, Alexis. You know your worth. The issue arises when we don’t know such a thing and we allow it to weighed and scaled and calculated by another. Such things never balance In Our favour.

      1. Yes, we should never forget or undervalue our self worth. After all an N has no worth, they just pretend that they do. Xxx HG xxX love you loads xxx

      2. Agreed, Alexis. I never understood those who willingly give away such things, offer themselves up and thusly decrease their value. We must value ourselves, or others will continue to devalue us as well. Such an N’s.

  14. P.S. He had a fantasy of a romantic meeting in Paris. What a funny one that is. He lost the grand prize picking the wrong curtain. I know it and he knows it. But most important, I KNOW IT.

  15. How about that she looks like his ex-wife who looks like his sister. Riddle me this HG.
    I am the total opposite of his past females. Blondes with crazy eyes, Usually light eyes.

  16. Lol yeah mine got with a girl completely opposite of me last time and she got him hooked on drugs. He had her call me and tell me I was ugly and old..LMAO she’s ten years younger than me but she looks ten years older. Of course he dumped her and came back to me when he needed to clean up. Now I’ve been discarded again…but guess who is back on his facebook page…lol

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