Where’s My Hoover?

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The hoover. The useful word that is utilised to describe the classic move of our kind to bring you back under our control, our spell and into our world once again. Of course we apply several different hoovers during the course of your entanglement with us, but let’s focus on the hoover which takes place following the cessation of the formal relationship between you and our kind. When I make reference to the formal relationship, I mean the concept (in your world) of you and us being together as intimate partners. Of course in our world, the relationship will last forever because of the unwritten contract you unwittingly entered into when you became entangled with us. This means we are entitled to draw fuel from you until such time as one of us draws our last breath and in that sense there is this Narcissistic Relationship and then there is the Formal Relationship, the latter being the conventional perception of when two people are involved with one another. Accordingly, once the Formal Relationship has come to an end, either through your escape or more frequently through the discard, there are then three potential hoovers which can occur.


  1. The Initial Grand Hoover;
  2. The Benign Follow-up Hoover; and
  3. The Malign Follow-up Hoover

You find yourself in the situation that the Formal Relationship has ended but where is the hoover? You have perhaps realised what you have been involved with and undertaken some reading and there is repeated mention of this hoover which is meant to happen but so far there has been nothing? Why is that? How come you have not been hoovered by your narcissist? Many of you would be delighted to find yourself in such a position, able to focus on yourself rather than worrying about being confronted by our kind and subjected to a hoover. The apparent failure of our kind to hoover however does cause victims to, in accordance with their nature, to then wonder why this has not happened and in turn blame themselves.

“He hasn’t hoovered me. He obviously doesn’t think I am worth wanting back.”

“I haven’t heard anything from him. I feel cheated that he hasn’t tried to hoover me.”

“I want him to hoover me. There are things I want to say to him now I know better what has happened.”

“There hasn’t been a hoover. That makes me feel invalidated.”

“He has been silent. I want him to win me back.”

Accordingly, if no hoover has been forthcoming you are still left feeling bewildered and miserable. The effects of our behaviour are far-reaching indeed. It may appear odd to the external observer that you would want to have interaction again with someone who has abused you, but there are several reasons why victims want that hoover to happen.

  1. You want the Formal Relationship to begin again. You are still caught up in the emotional sea of believing that things can be put right, that somehow the problems that occurred can be overcome and fixed. If we hoover you, you will willingly submit so we are together again.
  2. An opportunity to resist the hoover in order to let our kind know that you are not to be messed with anymore. A statement of intent, if you will.
  3. A chance to get things off your chest. You want to say your piece to us. It is often a case of asking “why” but you may also want to lash out at us as a consequence of the way you have been treated.
  4. An opportunity to let us know that you know what we are. That occasion to look us in the eye and tell us you know precisely what we are in order to gauge our reaction to this revelation and empowerment on your part.
  5. To tie up loose ends. There may be financial matters outstanding, there might be possessions to hand over, post and so on.
  6. The chance to be validated. Surely if we meant all those things we said during the golden period then we must want you again. That has to be right hasn’t it?

Subject to the school of narcissist you are dealing with, we have varying degrees of awareness about these factors which means we know that you are susceptible to our potential hoover and that it may well meet with success, leaving aside other factors such as the type of narcissist we are and the effort we will expend on the hoover.

You want the hoover to happen, but it does not appear to have taken place. Why is that?

  1. You may have been hoovered but not realised. The post escape/discard hoovers are not just there to bring you back to us. Sometimes we do not want that to happen but we would rather obtain fuel from you.
  2. The Initial Grand Hoover is always deployed to win you back and resume the Formal Relationship;
  3. The Benign Follow-Up Hoover (which comes after the IGH) may seek the resumption of the Formal Relationship but is also deployed purely to draw positive fuel from you and/or to fact find;
  4. The Malign Hoover seeks only to draw negative fuel

Accordingly, two out of the three post escape/discard hoovers may purely be about drawing fuel from you or fact-finding. Thus, if you think that a hoover is only about starting the relationship again you may have not thought that the telephone call which came from our number but we did not speak when you answered was not a hoover. It was. Fuel would have been drawn from the manner in which you answered (a nervous hello, an angry answer or a hopeful salutation) but it was also done to fact find. Would you answer? How would you answer? This is then used to formulate the nature of further hoovers. The sending of an invitation to sign up to a particular application does not cause the resumption of the Formal Relationship but it may draw Thought Fuel and is certainly a fact finding step designed to see how you will respond. Accordingly, you may well have been hoovered but not realised it.

  1. The hoover may not actually come from us. You may be hoovered by proxy through one of our lieutenants or a member of our coterie asking you questions about what you are up to, whether you have thought about us, how you are getting on and so forth. This information along with your reaction will be relayed to us and we gather fuel and a fact find from it.
  2. We may have contacted you directly and been charming but not encouraged you to come back to us or we may have been nasty. Either way, these are hoovers and are designed to draw fuel from you even though there was no attempt to start the Formal Relationship again.
  3. You may not actually be giving us any opportunity to hoover you. There are two instances when this arises: –
  4. You are contacting us so often and repeatedly in order to get answers and/or start the relationship again that we do not need to hoover you. You won’t leave us alone.
  5. You have placed yourself in a position whereby we are not able to contact you at all.
  6. It is too early. When you have been discarded we are infatuated and pre-occupied with your replacement as primary source of fuel. Therefore, we have no need to hoover you. We are focused on this person and they are meeting our fuel needs. You have been deleted from our mind and therefore there is no need for us to hoover you. This could last for a number of months before you even pop into our heads again. Many victims expect the hoover to happen within a week or so of discard. This might happen but it is more often the case that a longer time period will elapse between discard and hoover.
  7. You remain out of the spheres of influence. You do not do anything to come up on our radar. You either have not appeared in our sixth sphere of influence (our thoughts) yet or if you have we may have decided against instigating a hoover because it is less feasible, the energy involved is not something we wish to expend or we may have an alternative person to hoover who is a better prospect than you (for example the ex before you who lives nearer to us).

Thus there are many reasons why that hoover has not yet happened. Can you make a hoover happen? Yes, you can. If you want it to happen, you are best designing a way to enter one of our spheres of influence but understand, for the reasons outlined above, it may not happen when you want it to, but it will at some point. After all, in accordance with our total desire for control, we want the hoover to be when we decide, not you.


197 thoughts on “Where’s My Hoover?”

  1. Well, my fellow friends, my ex monster takes the cake! I am very attractive and successful and I fell for an unattractive, unsuccessful fake person. I believe he was jealous of me that is why he treated me so bad but I stayed because I liked the excitement. When he would pull his disappearing acts, I would too. I cheated on him constantly and had side boyfriends to dignify my insecurities of our “relationship” as the years rolled on and getting discarded over and over and ME always the one to call him and beg for him back, I finally gave up! He never hoovered or asked me back, he would pull a silent treatment till I gave in. All this time I had no idea he had “others” He tends to like the insecure, unattractive, desperate single mothers that are down on their luck. Poor ladies. (I still don’t know how he landed me) Apologies if I am sounded conceited but the fact that I lowered myself blows me away! He pulled a discard on me last year and I contacted him 4 months later and we got back together (I guess) 1 week later he pulls the silent treatment again. This time I just laughed and went on with my life after blocking him. 2 months later he writes me from JAIL confessing his love! I take him back! YES! Don’t slap me!! Anyway I get him out of jail because I am a wonderful person and like most of us we believe he/she is changed, LOL.. Long story short I support him with EVERYTHING for 7 months and the DAY he gets off probation he leaves me in the middle of the night while I was sleeping with a “goodbye” note playing the victim!!! OUCH! I called him crying and no response of course. I knew I had been had! Try that one on for a DISCARD! (of course I have had no contact, he is blocked and I just finished reading “ NO Contact, by HG Tudor) I DARE him to try and “hoover” me. He won’t see his next birthday!! I want NOTHING to do with him! It has been almost 3 months since this has happened and I hope the monster is happy with his “supplies” because he will NEVER get a taste my gorgeous, juicy, awesome supply ever again! Thank you for reading ; ) Oh and by the way fellow reader, it gets SO much better with no contact, not just blocking them but not EVER thinking of them. They NEVER existed!

    1. Hi Missy, good for you for finally ending it. I’ve struggled with forgetting mine and am reading Exorcism the 3rd time. How do you not think of him? I was crazy in love with mine. Mine was affair, but 1 week out of jail (meth, sex with 13 year old, he’s 54), he married his 3rd wife. He’s also had AIDS almost 20 years. Unbelievable what he really is. This is just tip of iceberg, there’s much more I found out. It’s been 2 years and I don’t think he’ll hoover, as I’m obviously not what he wanted, and he was forever dumping me. They find nice people who’ll go all out for them, and then treat them like trash. It will catch up to them.

      1. Hi ! When I do think of my ex monster I think ” I WON THE BATTLE” He lost! He is out there OBSESSED with getting supply from ugly, ,desperate skanks on dating websites and will NEVER have a happy, healthy relationship like can and will. Remember these people are constantly obsessed with control and getting fuel! I would hate to live like that! I enjoy being happy, free and in love. Yes, I am a kind hearted, loving person who got conned. I had to get over the fact that he NEVER cared and when he discarded me I was hurt for awhile but I was like …..OMG this dork is a LOSER! I am NOT! Have fun chasing sex, I don’t have to, it comes to me!! Mine won’t dare to hoover either…..he knows I am on to him and he knows better! Yes, I am conceited but you have to be when this kind dumps you, they WANT you to feel all sad and depressed and just wait for their return! NOT! Go out, get a hot young stud, or 2! do you girl! THEY NEVER EXISTED!! Put out that energy and they will stay gone! xoxo

      2. So him having AIDS is not enough to gross you out and scare you? Besides the other offenses? With all due respect I think you need urgent therapy

    2. Wow…. I am only 3 weeks post escape….I have deleted and blocked him off social media, however I haven’t blocked his phone number. I’m not quite sure why either. I have responded in the past, however over the past few days I have NOT responded to any of his texts…I met a girlfriend last night for a drink, and I got a text for him, he knew where I was. I freaked out…I hadn’t told anyone where I was…I still didn’t respond..then I got an email. didn’t respond..then 2 hours later I got another text, this one had a picture of me sitting at the table where I was…someone was there that had recognized me and took a picture and sent it to him…he sent it to me in a text and still was questioning why I am not responding…
      It’s never been like me to not respond..I always have, but for 48 hours, I have not.. It was very creepy to me… I desperately need to block his phone number because I NEED to move forward…nothing was real at all….. why is it so difficult to do the final disconnect of BLOCKING his number??

  2. That’s why I miss him. He was the one chance I took (not intending to). He was an amazing writer and lover and could overwhelm with “love” – or what seemed it. Without going into details, I’m staying in my marriage, not involved with anyone else. So no hot studs. No dating for me. Sir Tudor knows most of my situation. This is the right thing, it will work out and it was a needed lesson learned. Had it “worked” out with him, my life would have been ruined. Because I hadn’t planned/intended this, I didn’t guard my heart or do research. If I’d been looking to date, I would have quickly come across articles about con artists and love frauds. That one chance was the worst of the worst. Like winning a bad lottery. On a positive note, had he been normal, I could have wrecked a marriage and family that I need to stay in. May you find a great guy, Missy, but don’t sell yourself short. A great guy won’t want a lady that’s with many men. Save yourself for the right one. They are out there. I like you a lot.

    1. Hey Love, we both did not know what we were in for, we are hopeless romantics and that is why they picked us. I will never change that about me, I love being the way I am. You should not either! We got conned! It hurts but think about what a tormented mind and life they have! We may be hurt but we will move on, heal and find wonderful men that don’t use us and love us truly. At least yours was poetic and had some decent qualities, mine was a bum! Under average looking, no job, car, money…. I took care of him! He was good in the sack, that is probably what I miss.
      I was reading a book from Tudor and it kind of creeped me out, but mind boggling, I read it in an hour! It really helps to understand what you were dealing with to heal. I was trying to distinguish what kind of narc he is and he is not an elite, more of a lesser- mid range possible victim narc combination. I was reading about hoovering and he might just try! He knows I am a pretty angry, tough lady and I own weapons and I might shoot him if he comes near me. We have no mutual friends and no ties together. I do know he always reaches out to ex- lovers (he cheated on me with them)
      If anyone is reading, how do I get the message through his sick head that I am done with him forever? I have absolutely no contact with him and never will and he has no way of contacting me except where I live and the property management is to notify the police if they see him. Only contact I have with him is that I have flashbacks of his abuse sometimes and I know that is a form of contact. I am working on this and hopefully it will resolve in time.
      He discarded me almost 3 months ago and I usually contact him after a few months but this time I am finally done! I have this weird feeling he is just waiting for me to contact him so he can ignore me and get his fuel, which will never happen! I am really not expecting a hoover, because in time I am was the one who came crawling back. But I promise you all I NEVER will. Thank God I learned this time!!

      Any thoughts? Suggestions?
      Thanks ; )

      1. You are getting it through his head as you are doing something different by not coming back. And you’ve done all you could for him not getting near you. If he does, restraining order.

  3. So HG if you were in a long distance relationship with a narcissist the chances of you getting hoovered are smaller because he would prefer to hoover the ones closer to him?

    1. Distance may not be a significant factor because technology overcomes that. Of greater relevance would be how easy is it to perform the hoover. If the closer victim can be found in person very easily and approached very easily that would mean a hoover (all else being equal) would be more likely to happen with the closer victim. However, if the narcissist has no way of contacting the victim who is nearer (blocked, victim has moved address even though is heard of being in same city for example) but the long distance victim can be readily contacted by say telephone or Skype, the long distance one is more likely to be hovered. You of course have to factor in the various other elements from the Hoover Execution Criteria.

  4. Fuel observation: Narcs don’t necessarily go for people dependent on fuel, but also dependent on their self esteem level. If Fuel was the driving force, why would Missy M’s narc go for desperate, single, unattractive moms when Missy M is GORGEOUS, successful, and has many attracted to her? He was unattractive, no car, no nothing. She provided everything for him and is a stunning woman as well. If Fuel was the answer, he’d be with her and not others. In my case, the man I was so in love with likes young girls (as in 13-16 year olds). In Sex and the Narcissist, you say sex means nothing, just fuel, but if that was the case, what fuel does he get from a 13 year old as compared to a 30-50 year old who has more materially and is more experienced and fun? I think self-esteem is part of this. Both these men feel more comfortable and at home with “losers” or whom they can prey on more easy. My guy was very much into sex. I think he went for young girls because of the young, strong, tinier bodies. I think he was way more sexually attracted to them. There apparently was a lot of porn on his computer as well, and police were after it.
    So they do need fuel, but they also bypass some great fuel due to their self esteem and sexual interests. If fuel was the answer, they wouldn’t give up the great fuel they are getting and ultimately need. If they have nothing, negative fuel provides nothing. So that they are driven only by fuel isn’t making sense in some of these scenarios.

  5. At times I feel very resolved and assured that I’ve been dealing with a malignant narcissist, and at others, I wonder. It’s such a mindf*ck. He’s going through an ugly divorce, and blames strange behaviours on the stress of that. Love-bombed the hell out of me for the first few weeks. Little red flags here and there. Called him out on some texts (which he denied were what I thought they were. Strongly suspect he has another supply source) and I’ve been in an emotional tailspin ever since. Says he can’t deal with drama, negativity, or being questioned. He perceived every “what have you been doing” as questioning. Disappears for a bit and then comes back wanting to see me. I’ve gone NC recently after knowing he blatantly lied to me. Not my first go-round with a narc, unfortunately. But I still question and second-guess my intuition and wonder if the issues are truly just situational. Help.

    1. Oh. And if I’ve heard, “Im crazy about you but I’m not going to hurt you with my stuff” once, I’ve heard it a thousand times. What gives???

  6. Something is off key about missy m story. It’s almost as nauseous as her narc and beyond conceited.

  7. To those of you who were sidechicks, Dirty little secrets and friends with benefits to a married narc or those of who that is married and have had affairs with a narc…kharma surely got you…

    1. Thanks for your input. Karma will get you in the same way for condemning. One sin is not greater than the other. Enjoy!

      1. Yep indeed we all reap what we sow and I am not above that. Hence I dont go after married men. Honestly I just find it disgusting; thats just my opinion, me speaking my mind. I just cannot fathom why people embark on affairs and then expect everything to work out for the best. What about empathy, integrity, morals etc. Is that not what ab empath is about? Affair = trouble (IMO). If you can’t stand the heat…. dont do affairs.

    2. Kensani, you are right. All reap what they sow. And KT, @ 2 months ago a guy from where I went to school wanted to meet. We were raised in a school in a 3rd world country for expatriate kids. Every night I was strapped when 6 years old. I was there til 12. I was 1,000 miles from home, so no parents to protect- plus they put us there. We were separated from siblings. I didn’t want to meet him, but he insisted. He greatly suffered and he told me a lot more abuse/neglect that happened. School has now been shut down. I helped confirm for him a lot and he has worked very hard to heal. I presumed past was past, but realize how all this set me up to tolerate what I shouldn’t. Meeting him was an eye opener. I was in a world of hurt when I met this psychopath, wasn’t planning a relationship- otherwise I would have researched dating today, red flags. I also didn’t guard my heart and believed his false persona. When truth came to surface, I suffered cognitive dissonance. Why I’m on Sir Tudor’s site. I was saved from one of the most terrible persons. Unbelievable this evil person whom I deeply loved. I’ve come to terms with what happened and who I was dealing with. Sir Tudor says we have a need to understand it all, which I did. And while trying to completely forget him, I am curious as to what ends up happening to him and those with him. And KT, can you share which country/state you live? Just curious.

    1. Showing you difference is a mild malign hoover because that would be designed to provoke you into being hurt or angry.

  8. HG – After a 25 year marriage, I am not being hoovered, but he is dragging out the divorce. 8 hours in mediation and he refused to sign the agreement. He wants to ‘go to court’. I believe he wants to make me look bad and make himself the victim. There really isn’t anything to fight over, no children and no big expensive things. We live in a state that is ‘no fault’ divorce and joint property. It’s just math at this point.
    Is his refusing to sign the divorce agreement his source of fuel, since he’s not hoovering?
    I believe he is a Lesser with rage tendencies and addiction issues.
    He’s getting older and spiraling out of control.
    Any idea how could I get him to agree to sign the divorce and end this nightmare? He does have a girlfriend but still won’t let me go.

    1. The refusal to sign is being done to punish you, maintain a connection and to exert control.
      Does he have a new IPPS?


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