Up and Down (And Back Again)

I have a see saw. It is very special and I only allow special people to climb on to it. You have to be special to get on my see saw, someone like you is allowed on because you are special. In the beginning you do not even realise that you are sat on it, but you are. Of course when I meet you, you will have some kind of burden that is weighing you down. You may be lonely, you may be recovering from a different lost relationship, you may be grieving over a bereavement. You might have money concerns, perhaps started a new job which is causing you apprehension or your children may be proving difficult. There will be something that is preying on your mind and weighing you down. Even when to the outside world you may appear happy and delighted, there will be something. Everyday things, deeper and more meaningful concerns or even something dark from your past, childhood traumas, a dark deed done some time ago or a difficult relationship with dearest daddy.Perhaps it is the burden of expectancy or the crushing weight of dejection, but ultimately there will be something which weighs heavy on your soul. I can tell because you are sat on my see saw and you are weighing it down leaving you sat at a low point.

Of course when I appear all that changes. As soon as I clamber on the raised part of the see saw I ensure that the weight of my integrity, my immense gravitas, my substantial presence and my massive love all lower my side. I cannot help but do this as I am a man of substance and importance. I carry great responsibility on my shoulders as I lead men, pioneer into new territories, task risks and shoulder so much on behalf of others. At least this is what I tell myself.

My arrival delights you because you now sail up into the air, carried high by the weight that has appeared on the other end. This see saw is fantastic because up and up you go, racing through the air up into the firmament.It is exciting and dizzying as you soar towards the rarefied atmosphere. You feel light, your feel elevated and those burdens have somehow vanished such is the effect of my presence. You recall from your childhood that eventually you reached the apex of the see saw and you readied yourself to come down again but this is different, there seems to be no end to your upwards movement. You can still see me below you, looking up in awe and delight at you and that only adds to your sense of delight. You wonder if you can do the same for me, whether you can send me soaring upwards and you try to push down but it is to no avail, you cannot muster any force and you continue heading up on high.

I watch you soar and your smiles, laughter and praise for my wonderful see saw pleases me, so I allow you to continue with your ascent. Your exhortations of thanks for this wonderful ride shower down on me and I accept it all with gratitude. Still, what goes up must invariably come down and with a violent application of force I begin to shoot upwards towards my rightful place above you. You are suddenly falling. Your descent is rapid and sudden and it is unpleasant. You can see the earth racing up to meet you and your screams come long and loud. I laugh at your distress and cause the see saw to move even more violently as I soar upwards and you plummet. You see me ahead of you, smiling and laughing as if nothing is wrong and confusion grips you. Why are you going down now? Why is it happening so fast? I pass you and wave as you grip onto the see saw, bracing yourself for the impact, terror and dread wrapping around you. You see me now above you as you close your eyes and wait for that sudden thud as you hit the ground once more but it never comes. You are just above the ground, way below me as you hear me pouring scorn on you from my elevated position. It seems so odd. I am no further away from you than when we got on this see saw yet I seem so distant, so far away that you struggle to even recognise whether it is me. You don’t like being down here. It feels horrible. You want to climb once again and so you push hard with your legs in order to gain some purchase that will send you up and me down but nothing happens. You shove again but there is no response. I am calling to you, my cat calls drifting down to you as you repeatedly try and force the see saw upwards but it is to no avail. Tears of frustration gather in your eyes as you push and pull at the see saw but nothing happens and then, without warning you feel a lurch and you start to climb again. The relief washes over you and you blink away the tears as that sensation of joy and delight begins again.

Up and down you go, climbing one moment without knowing how high you will go before then  you start to plummet. Sometimes the descent halts part way through and you are lifted up again, if only for a second before down you go once more. It is a tumultuous situation and you feel dizzy and disorientated. It is becoming harder and harder to know what is going to happen next or whether you are going up or down. You cling on, knuckles whitening, desperate to remain on the see saw because you have no idea what might happen if you try and get off. Will you be catapulted into the air and to freedom? Or will you plunge to the hard earth below and shatter into a thousand pieces? If only the see saw would stop for a moment so you can get your bearings. You need some respite from this up and down movement over which you have no control. All the time you see me across from you, seemingly delighted at this ride. How come I do not feel sick or anxious? How is it that I am enjoying this random ride so much? One minute it is all highs and then you sink to the lows before a sudden jerk halts the descent. You need to get off but you daren’t do so, so instead you decide to hold tight but this only seems to encourage me.

You call for help at the group of people you can see gathered below. You know they can see you but as you are lowered towards them, their hands outstretched ready to lift you from this nightmarish ride, you are suddenly wrenched upwards and away again. You are so confused. It feels better to be climbing, that wonderful lifting sensation sweeping across you, but this takes you away from those people who are trying to help you. You tell them to wait that you will be back soon but you can see them walking away as you keep on climbing again until they have vanished. You shout for them to stay but it is to no avail. You are isolated, alone and soaring once more.

Another lurch and you are falling but this time alarm seizes your heart. You cannot breathe and terror causes the scream to stall in your throat. You are falling way too fast, faster than ever before, hurtling downwards at such speed. You look across to where I should be but there is nobody there. I have gone. I have vanished without warning and announcement. There is nobody left to control this see saw and you are dropping, dropping, dropping. The hard and stony earth is rushing up to meet you. You are in free fall and there is only going to be one outcome.

18 thoughts on “Up and Down (And Back Again)

  1. OldSupply says:

    So, I’m a newbee to this site. Second time around actually, as I checked it out a bit awhile back (was too repulsed by the obvious flow of fuel from the commenters). I’ve also read a few of HG’s books, back when I had kindle unlimited. I recently heard an interview with HG that intrigued me to look into him again….can you do more of those? I like to hear your voice.
    I’ve read a shitload of books and articles on this topic throughout the last few years (Sam Vaknin being amongst the first). If Belong to too many support boards that have recently become way too annoying to me….bad sign as I’m back in school studying to be a therapist. Anyway, this post, this description of the utter hell produced by your kind, is THE best I’ve read so far (read 2-3 dozen archives so far). It’s brilliant! So simple And yet so much better than any of the eggshell descriptions I’ve read. You certainly have talent as a writer. And you certainly belong to the elite group of Greater Narcopaths.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello OS, yes more interviews are planned. No dates as yet.
      Tell me, why do you find the support boards annoying?
      Thank you for your kind compliments, they are appreciated and I hope you stay around to contribute further.

  2. I feel as if I am on a constant seesaw. I am forever on a seesaw.

    Up and down,
    and frown.

    Way up high;
    to the ground,
    I die.

    Seasaw, Seasaw,
    Will you
    Ever stop?

    Keep me
    Up here high;
    Don’t let me Drop!

  3. Maureen says:

    My question is when you have no one to play in the sea-saw, what goes through your mind, what are your feelings and what do you do with out supply? Does it get worse for male narcissist as they approach senior years?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If there is no primary source, then the provision of fuel is reduced, this weakens us and therefore we must find an alternative primary source of fuel as soon as we can.
      In terms of the effect of age, read No Time For Time, for a perspective on that element of narcissism Maureen.

      1. Maureen says:

        HG you said to read No time for time is this one if your books? I can’t seem to find it.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You can find it it More Confessions of a Narcissist, Maureen.

    2. Maureen says:

      Thank you HG, I love this blog

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you Maureen, so do I!

  4. RMG says:

    SA I just visualized that, And laughed harder then I should. Feeling a little mean today I believe

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    We called them teeter totters. They might be illegal now. Hell to the no did I ever play on one. People jumped off, leaving the other person stranded and falling Alternatively they gave bumps which made the other person smash face into the board. Nope.

    1. SA says:

      I loved them. We would jump off while the person was up in the air.

  6. SA says:

    Great visual.
    Mean as fuck you and your kind are. Remind me never to get on a seesaw if you are on the playground. And stay out of my sandbox!

  7. Cara says:

    There’s no even keel. Two narcissists dealing with each other (Mother and Daughter, perhaps) have a problem in that they each want to be at the top of the see-saw looking down on the other AT ALL TIMES, turning the sweet kiddie toy into a demented ride.

    1. That is probably so true with two Narcs which makes sense why HG says the fuel is never really that satisfying to each other maybe?…I never thought of it like that before…but, HG, is one smart chap…the one in control is always the one on the ground…that person can get off…the person dangling in the air with their legs wrapped around their seat – well, the only way to get off is to fall to the side or backwards and either way that is going to H-U-R-T like H-E-L-L!

  8. Loren says:

    Absolutely incredible. You nailed the past eight years of my life~Thank you! It feels good to have finally jumped~ Even tho I suffered many “broken bones” from my landing. My bones will never be the same, but they are slowly healing with time. This article sums it up and I no longer envy the person who was my replacement and now gets a turn on the see-saw. After reading this article I have actually decided to pray that she is able to come out of this with nothing more than broken bones as well. Thank You HG!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Loren and thank you for commenting.

  9. RMG says:

    My heart started racing at the very beginning, breathing coming in gasps as I continued to read more.
    Memories coming faster, swirling around my mind, excitement and joy, to fears and tears, to excitement and joy, to fears and tears, then the sudden stop.

    Love it HG!

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