Mind Games – Part One
We love to conquer. Nowhere is off limits to our kind. Your mind is no exception to that mentality. The repeated application of mind games and the impact this had are both consequence which live long in the memory of those who have experienced them as a consequence of being entangled with us. I repeatedly state that the games are always being played. I doubt few would disagree with that statement. You ought to be aware however that the deployment of mind games, whilst always a factor in the narcissistic relationship, is not as deliberate as you may first imagine. In the case of the Lesser Narcissist, the mind games are collateral. They are a consequence of his instinctive behaviours, his reactions and pre-determined methodologies. He lacks the cognitive function to engage in the purposeful mental torment, but instead what arises as mind games is side-effect of the way that he behaves. As for the Mid-Range, well the application of mind games will sometimes manifest as deliberate but for the most part, he is similar to the Lesser and that these mind games occur as a consequence of the way he is engineered to think and to behave. It is with the Greater where the true twisted behaviour manifests as not only are the mind games a consequence of what we do, we also purposefully engage in them because we know how effective they are at achieving what we want and also because we are excellent at deploying them.
The imposition of bewilderment on a shattered and exhausted mind possesses a deftness of touch which is far superior to the brutish application of a fist to a cheek. The conjuring of confusion from the use of words alone is a highlight of the Greater’s manipulative repertoire. Accordingly, the mind games which arise from entanglement with a Lesser or a Mid-Range arise because of the various defence mechanisms those types of narcissist deploy. The Greater regards the playing of mind games as an essential part of the narcissistic relationship, one which is considered noble, important and a hallmark of his sophisticated abuse.
These mind games are varied and effective. Anybody who has been on the receiving end of them will testify as to the horrible impact that they have in creating doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, submission and a sense of helplessness. What are some of these mind games?
- Second Guessing. The act of making you forget about your own needs because you are conditioned to think about our needs first in order to avoid some dreadful repercussion if you do not so. You apply your mind over and over to assessing the situation and trying to gauge how you should respond, what you should do next, what you should organise, how you should look, how you should behave in order to avoid some other abuse.
- Pre-occupation. By making ourselves so central to your existence and the only thing which matters you find that you are always wondering about us. What are we doing right now? Who are we with? What are we doing? This does not necessarily occur just in the devaluation. As the seeds of addiction are sown during the seduction, you find your mind is focused on us more and more. This is the laying of the groundwork to have you forget about your own needs and indeed who you are as the focus of your attention becomes all about us.
- Mirroring. We convince you that you are falling in love with the most wonderful and fantastic person you have ever met. This is achieved by mirroring what you want in the object of your affection. By meeting this need on so many different fronts, you become helpless to falling in love with what you believe us to be.
- Obsessing. By engaging in the vague, the vapid and the amorphous we have you start obsessing over us. Once again the focus moves on to us as you ask yourself what did he mean by that comment? Why is he late? Why did he just do that? You look for clues which are non-existent and seek answers which are not there, reading too much into what are often innocuous scenarios.
- Gas Lighting. The infamous act of causing you to doubt your own reality and is invariably the cumulative effect of many different types of mind game. You end up doubting yourself and accepting our false reality as the true reality instead.
- Jettison. The act of having you think that you are about to be discarded. Comments will be made which suggest that we are dissatisfied with you, that we are tired of you and that we have interests elsewhere. Nothing is said outright, there is nothing concrete, but the signs are there that you are going to be discarded. Aren’t they?
- Jealousy. “But she is just a friend.” “How can I be having an affair when we only meet during daylight.” “You are reading too much into it.” The appearance of somebody who we talk about a lot, spend time with and appear to admire is designed to bring about jealousy in you and undermine your self-confidence.
- Mea Culpa. The complexity and absurdity of our behaviour means that you are unable to fathom out what is actually going on. This results in you needing to find some kind of answer in order to give you piece of mind and therefore since you have no ground to question us, you decide you must be at fault and being to blame yourself. After all, nobody gets furious for no obvious reason do they? You must have done something wrong to provoke us. It is your fault.
- Projection. The intentional movement of our faults and unpleasant behaviours from us to you. The accusation that you engage in the very behaviour which we undertake ourself.
- Character Assassination. The unmerited and savage attack on you, criticising you for any number of things; how you walk, how you talk, your hair colour, who your friends are; how you made the coffee this morning. Anything and everything about you will be attacked even though you cannot see the basis of doing so.
- Blame-Shifting. The defensive step of ensuring that we are never to blame or held accountable. Anything that goes wrong, any incorrect behaviour, any mishap is all down to you. You caused it, you brought it about, you made it happen. Even though you cannot see any factual basis for the accusation that has been flung your way, this will not stop it happening.
- Authoritative Denial. We do not just deny, we deny with such conviction, determination and authority that surely only someone who does this is someone who has to be right, yes?
- Gaseous Smear Campaigns. You are being spoken about, whispered about and slurs cast against your name, at least you think that is the case. You seem to be receiving strange glances and hear snickering when you walk by certain people, but you never hear anything concrete or certain. You might be mis-hearing, you might be mis-reading, it may just be paranoia. Trying to work out if you are being smeared is like trying to catch a gas with your bare hands.
- Silent Treatments. The staple of the narcissistic arsenal. Why is he silent? Why has he vanished? What have you done wrong? When will he speak to me again?
- Double Standards. We are so pleasant and wonderful to everybody else. People speak so highly of us, yet when the front door is closed we turn into a monster with you. Is it real? Perhaps you are taking it out of context and exaggerating or maybe you are doing something which causes this to happen and nobody else does?
- Amnesia. We deny having ever done something or said something even though you are positive, well fairly certain, okay, at least reasonably sure, we did say it. It works both ways as we accuse you of having a faulty memory as we tell you we told you last week we would be going out tonight, why can you not remember these things? Are you doing it in order to annoy us? Of course you are.
- Losing Your Mind. We label you as crazy, unhinged, a maniac who is need of help. Good Lord, everybody thinks it of you and we are a saint for putting up with this behaviour for so long. We tell you often, arrange for you to get help, see a doctor or a therapist and accompany you to explain to them how you are losing your marbles. Are we making all of this up in order to disturb you further, or then again, might you just be losing your mind after enduring all of this?
54 thoughts on “Mind Games – Part One”
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Thank you HG. I didn’t think of it that way, but it makes sense.
I hope the toothpaste does not burn her eyes too badly…
HG, I am curious as to how many of these mind games your good doctors were aware of before they met you. I bet they have gained extensive knowledge from your sessions.
I can now say that in the four months I have been in therapy, I feel like I am the one educating the therapist about narcissists. I think she looks forward to my stories. I wonder how many of my kind attend therapy and the therapist is at a lost as to what we have gone through. I need help with the PTSD I have and I don’t think she grasps the whole idea of what happened. I have learned more from you than I think I could anywhere else. I would still be at square one.
Thanks again
I do not know for certain. It is evident they had an awareness of some but not all and you rightly point out they have gained considerable knowledge as a consequence of our ongoing interaction.
I do hear repeated recollections from people that their therapist does not truly understand NPD, has not been able to give them the clarity that I have and so forth. There are so many different fields to address it is not surprising that some therapists are not familiar with NPD as they may have strengths in other directions. I am pleased however that you have been able to learn so much from me. You will continue to do so.
I am surprised by the lack of knowledge doctors have in this field. My ex narc husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It is no wonder I couldn’t understand him, as I was trying to connect the pieces to the wrong disorder. I knew even back then that his personality did not match this diagnosis, but rather something much more complicated. I suspect this is an easy and lazy diagnosis to hand out.
Hello HG,
I really have no reason to go anywhere else. You are the best teacher, therapist, humorist, and confidant that I could have asked for. I can be brutally honest here and I know you will do the same for me. You have provided me the answers I desperately needed and the skills for healing. Thanks
Thank you Snow White, I do appreciate that and I look forward to turning your quote into a sticker to plaster all around the world.
LOL!!! When you are ready I will assist in the U.S. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
HG , why do narcissists like shiney things ?
They are inanimate objects which do as we want them to without challenge or refusal and they look pretty.
They also allow us to see ourselves in them, furthering our idea that we control everything.
HG, ok thanks for that answer. I’m seeing him again we are talking a lot about personality disorders , we are not back together , I’m just observing him as I was never aware of any of this when I was with him. He’s behaving completely differently , the golden period you could say but I’ve never seen this before not even when first dating him 2 years ago. I did think he was possibly a mid range but I now think if he is a narc he’s either a lesser or narc traits only.
This is the narc stuff
With drawing
Over sensitive
Negative emotions more than positive
Shiney things , claims to have first been attracted to black shiney things in a book as a child
History of chaotic relationships
OCPD
Easily bored
I think his dad was a narc
The reasons why I’m not sure and it could just be traits and this isn’t gaslighting
Feels empathy
Loves animals
Has never been verbally or physically abusive to me
No interest in being centre of attention
Plays down any achievements
No bragging or grandiose just the opposite
Doesn’t really lie about stuff
Also he’s very open to looking at this stuff and has discussed it with his family
Says he thinks he might have traits but thinks he’s more avoidant but wants to work on that behaviour
He has been cheated on particularly in his first serious relationship , I know that’s true , because I went to school with him
I just don’t know what to think, he now wants to make plans book holidays and all kinds of other stuff, his actions are matching his words at the moment !!
He says he has emotions but they have been buried due to failed relationships and he had decided to remain single (he was single for 2 years before meeting me , no public girlfriend anyway)
He was also considering moving abroad but now doesn’t want to do that unless I want to go with him
Do you think it’s possible he has traits and is not NPD , can traits be worked on if that individual wants to work on them ?
Hello Lisa,
Thank you for this comprehensive list.
Firstly, by engaging with him you are providing him with fuel because you are showing you are interested in him (by discussing the issue of personality disorders etc) and this will provide him with positive fuel. It is also enabling him to build a platform for the purpose of further manipulation. You have even used the phrase “golden period you could say”. I flag this for your consideration.
Secondly, I can understand why you have some confusion about what he might be.
Thirdly, keep in mind that some of the behaviours which cause you to think he may not be a narcissist may be feigned and fronts to confuse you and this is the nub of the issue. If I may, I would like you to expand on certain points.
Feels empathy – how do you know? Perhaps you can explain more in this regard. This is naturally an important indicator
Loves animals – how? Does he actually look after any animals or does he just tell you that he likes animals or says “I love that dog” when he passes one in the street?
Has never been verbally or physically abusive to me – what about emotional, financial or sexual abuse? Do you know if he has been abusive to anybody else. Keep in mind you may not be a primary source and therefore you might not actually be the one who sees the brunt of the abusive behaviours
No interest in being centre of attention – is this just with you, or always with other people and if so, how do you know?
Plays down any achievements – see comment above
No bragging or grandiose just the opposite – see comment above
Doesn’t really lie about stuff – how do you know? He may lie regularly to you but you do not realise.
Also he’s very open to looking at this stuff and has discussed it with his family – again how do you know
I am not suggesting you are necessarily wrong but some “stress testing” of these points is required.
HG, I look forward to reading about them and finding out why your father stayed.
Thanks
I see you answered a question on how many of these tactics you mother applied to the family. It is a family affair when there is an illness with one of the members. Is your mother in therapy?
No she isn’t SA and nor will she ever be.
For the past few months I’ve been reading this blog with pure astonishment! HG you are brilliant with your introspections. Your unsurpassed definitions and scope of this disorder have helped so many …included me. For a period of time I have just sauntered aimlessly in a delusional fog. You have evoked clarity on many misunderstood emotions and behaviors. The journey has been painful, but now, I walk through life with far less trepidation. Thank you …is an understatement!
Thank you Holy Reality, that was most kind of you to share and I need that material to appear as a review to my books so I can use it for promotional purposes, if you would be so kind.
Thank You for letting me into Your head and helping me to understand You xxxx
Pleasure Maddie.
Right..aka trying to push buttons. N2 freely admitted to it. It was part of his game. Horrendous. On to Part Deux.
He must of known I was onto his mind games, before the discard I was put on the pedestal then came the doubts, he said he went for younger, said he’d got other interested in him, I’d only been dating him 3 mths, then the sudden silence, so I went silent. He dumped me. I’m fairly sure he told someone intimate details, again trying to get a reaction via a 3rd party. Then the profile pic on fb looking so in love. I’ll never give this man a reaction, I learnt too well from the last one. They are all so alike.
Oh the mind games. Number 4. That is me at this very moment. In the beginning I did not understand these games or even aware some of them where being played. After all “he didn’t play games” nor did he “put up with anyone’s bullshit anymore”. So what the heck is going on then? That’s when I knew if I wanted answers then I would have to find them myself. I wanted to understand him and the way he thinks. As time went on it seemed like these mind games were finally coming to an end or maybe I just learned them. What I discovered was the mind games didn’t stop they just change. With each silent treatment comes a new game with the return. I think it depends on the reason for which the silent treatment was given. If I were a mind reader this is how I would see it through his eyes…
Game 1 – She disrespected me by replying to a text she received on our first date. Yes she was honest with me and told me she was receiving texts from a person she previously dated letting her know that he was sitting at the table across the room. She wanted me to know the reason she wanted to leave and go else where as the harassing texts got a little too creepy for comfort. She wanted me to know that she told him to back off and leave her alone, but I am no chump she can play. How dare her get texts or reply regardless of the situation when she is sitting next to me. I will not bring this up now, but I will two weeks from now and everyday after that. I will make sure her phone never takes priority over me. This will go for facebook as well. She will not post anything and especially pictures that might get the attention of others. I will tell her how I despise all technology and make her feel guilty for using it. I will pick a fight with her and use it as an excuse to unfriend her on facebook and apply my first silent treatment.
Game 2 – She knows better to have her phone in sight or turned on in my presence now, but that does not apply to me. In fact I will make sure she knows this as I do everything I once said I despised. I will also make sure she knows that I am single, but she should not act as such. I will rub this in her face, but demand all of her time. She knows there is no one else. I do spend all my time with her, but I will make her guess what I want. I will laugh and say she can’t read my poker face. I will then dish out another silent treatment when she tries to use my game against me by showing me there are other guys who would date her. She is not as smooth as I. She will most definitely pay for this.
Game 3 – I will show her how she will never get a commitment from me after hurting my ego. She has hope for that and really all she wants in return. I will give her credit and tell her that her loyalty is the only thing that keeps me and the only reason she is worth a shit, but I will show her that she is not worthy of mine. She has never questioned me on it, but I will make her question it now. I will tell her I love her, but take it back by saying I was drunk and didn’t remember it. I will make sure I am on my phone texting and using facebook everytime she is with me. I have always told her who was texting, what they said, who I was texting what I said, but not so much now. I will tell her that my daughter is sending me the facebook messages as I read them out loud, but she knows my daughter doesn’t have facebook so how is that possible? I will plant a bottle of contact solution in the bathroom so she will question it, knowing I do not wear contacts. When she does question these things I will tell her she is stupid and that the contact solution was from when I was married (because I love to talk about my ex wife and the hate I have towards her along with marriage I once had) I will then tell her that I’m not going to stop talking to anyone for her because she is grumpy (I don’t say bitch any more since name calling doesn’t work) and because all she does is lie (even though she has never lied to me). Then I shall punish her with the silent treatment for questioning me.
Game 4 – Final game. I will release her from the silent treatment while her wounds are fresh, but just long enough to pour a little salt in them by making plans with her just to cancel at the last minute. I shall tell her “Tonight’s not going to work. Sorry another time. I’m sure you will find plenty to do.” This will of course get a reaction from her which I will reply “You’re nuts (I don’t use crazy any more since she told me she earned that title with pride) and then do what I do best. I will immediately block her from every source of communication. I need to play my best as this is the final game. Destroyer of trust and loyalty.
I know this was a long one and I apologize, but I have made my decision to depart. Funny how I can tolerate so much, but it is the loyalty that broke me. Also funny that he didn’t use this sooner. I’m sure it was my mouth that gave him the idea. I have been in denial for so long with all of this, but the longer I sit in silence the more I realize that it is time I accept the answers I have found and accept the fact that the hope I had does not exist. There is one comment that he made in the beginning that keeps coming to mind that I can’t quite shake. He said “You are too much like me, but you will never win” I told him I didn’t understand. I wasn’t trying to win anything. He just kept repeating it over and over. The only other thing he said to that was “I will go to my grave a lonely man before I will be the first to say or do anything.” HG any insight on that? You have answered so many questions and have truely helped me to understand a person who will always remain special and unique in my heart because of the knowledge you have given me. I will forever be grateful and will of course continue reading.
Hello B, thank you for your observations and it was very interesting to see you adopt his perspective in doing so. In terms of the comments:-
“You are too much like me, but you will never win” – he considered you a challenge but one which was surmountable, but this was done to cause you to demonstrate you were not a challenge to him and that you would do as he wanted by being submissive.
“I will go to my grave a lonely man before I will be the first to say or do anything.” – this was to evoke sympathy from you and to cultivate an air of mystery, both for the purposes of drawing fuel
Nice list. Yeah, my recent ex was well versed in many of these. I love the addition of authoritative denial. He was excellent at this as well as gas lighting, future faking, mirroring, projection, blame shifting, silent treatments and amnesia. so many techniques, Jesus.
HG again I am mesmerized by your words. Such a hold on me.
I remember going through all of them. The last brought the tears, to which flow freely now. They all believed him, and left me alone in the dark, he would send those to persecute me for things I never done. I was lost, afraid and all alone in the dark.
I once was deep in a cave, and all lights went out. I remember the feeling of such hopelessness and fear. I didn’t know which way was which, I was paralyzed with fear.
I never thought I would feel that way again.
HG you came along and like that light I finally got back on in that cave, You were my light through this.
Did either of MatriNarc’s parents play mind games with her?
Her father did Laura.
I got many of these with N2, but not all. I imagine if I had more interaction, then the remaining ones might have come into play as well. N1 was Lesser and some of these resonate, but he was also just very direct. He didn’t really play head games, so much as slam my head into the wall. Or me onto the bed. It’s interesting how with N2 the Pre-occupation and Second Guessing were rooted in truly wanting to please him, while with N1 the motivation was more about self preservation. As you say, to avoid further abuse.
Very much looking forward to part two.
HG , what do you think to this comment , he said always be with me not against me , I’ve had too many relationships where they were never with me always against me ( paranoid , insecure ) is this a narcissist statement ?
In itself, no but it is certainly highly indicative especially the reference to other relationships.
I said it at the time…there is nothing worse than to feel as if you are losing your mind and know that it is because of him….and he loves every moment of it. SICK BASTARD! I told him I would have rather he hit me than do what he did to me…I provided him so much fuel by being so transparent and open. I made it sooo friggin easy for him….until I didn’t anymore. Now, he is unbelievably pathetic looking to me. Still trying the same mind games, but none of them work anymore. He is just pure evil.
Old Supply,
Couldn’t have said it better myself. EVERY single one was used on me until they no longer worked and he started to look pathetic to me as well and his gas lighting started to lose “fuel”…good thing he had his secondary (now primary) source ready for backup.
Thanks HG
for making me see
that it never was me!
I wasn’t as perfect as I could be
but now I truly see
that I didn’t deserve any of these!
And these games (that I learned to play from my narcissistic mother) are less fun when the other person doesn’t play back.
I am living this right now. Hard to imagine a man I spent almost a quarter of a century with and a ‘loving’ father could be so cruel…
I wish my ex would have just beat me and slapped me a couple of good times . I would take physical abuse over mental and emotional abuse any day . If you truly hate your victims and are disgusted with them why don’t you just beat them ? My ex would have false memories of us doing things together and he told me I willingly gave him a key to my home after we broke up and said I just didn’t remember . To this day I don’t know if mentally he was off and had delusions or if it was straight up manipulations and gas lighted . He honestly believed at one point I went with him to take his sick cat who was dying to the vet and he begged me to go with him to the vet again because “I was such good help and support ” I told him I never went with him to take his cat to the vet in the first place that it was a false memory and he swore that I did and just didn’t remember .He had my mind all messed up . Or he maybe just got me confused with one of his other females that he would see since technically we are all the same to people with Cluster B personality disorders .
HG any thoughts or opinions on whether he really is mentally ill with delusions or is that just classic gaslighting and manipulation ?
I do not beat my victims because as I have mentioned before:-
1. I am more sophisticated that that;
2. I have more effective methods of achieving what I want than resorting to brute force; and
3. Physical violence lacks effective plausible deniability which is one of the tools of the trade.
It is likely, as you identify, that his recall of the event involving the cat was impaired because he failed to distinguish between you and other appliances.
It is a fact that with the Lesser and Mid-Range narcissists their perspective of fact which you might regard as delusional is the actual driving force behind the manipulations and gas lighting.
My mother had the same behaviours as your mother HG. It caused me huge emotional pain especially the silent treatment which she would carry out towards me for months at a time (and my father) when I was in my early teens and later years. I recognized her behaviours towards my father quite young and I was not in awe of them I was disgusted by them. I saw the hurt experienced by my father and it pulled at my heartstrings. She tried to manipulate me against him. I would never join her. I sound like your sister and the response she chose to having been reared by an abuser. My brother like you, chose to join my mother in her behaviours against my dad and subsequently against others as his life continues. He has caused so much pain. I too went on to marry a narcissist. You are not unique HG. The pattern in your family is repeated I would say in 1 in 4 families. Your sister chose to be hurt herself rather than hurt and cause another human being to suffer. You HG and my brother chose to side with the abuser/narcissist as this was easier. But thank you for telling the truth of who you are and your kind in this blog. It is healing me and empowering me so much. And I’ll give you a little fuel that you so crave in that I am really enjoying the way you write.
Hello LONC thank you for your observations and I largely agree (save of course I am unique). Yes, my sister chose to hurt herself and chose to give, I chose to defend myself and to take. I am pleased you enjoy my work and appreciate you telling me so. I am interested in your comment about 1 in 4 families. Is this anecdotal observation or based on some empirical evidence?
The is where my ex excelled!!!! She bragged about being able to read people and how she could pretend to be anyone through a text. She craved the attention from anyone and everyone. She boasted about her skills in the bedroom. ( lots of mind games in there)… I can check off every single one of those. No wonder I was such a mess coming out of this relationship. And I think that’s what puts her in the Greater category. She took pride in her skills. I don’t know how I thought our relationship was normal. Thanks for putting that list out HG. You can see how the games are played.
You are welcome SW
HG, How many of these did you see your mother use on your father?
All of them except losing your mind, she never suggested that to him. Of course when I witnessed what she was doing I did not know the labels back then although I knew the character assassination as she would badmouth him, the silent treatments (you would think our central heating never worked given how cold our house became) and the double standards. As time went on and I realised more about myself I identified the other behaviours as well.
During your mother’s silent treatments, was everyone in the family included and how long could they last? Were you envious of the power that your mother gained from her behaviors? Did you wonder why your father stayed with her? Thanks for answering.
Yes every one was. I will be writing more about these but I recall on one occasion she disappeared for ten days.
Yes I was envious and I was in awe of it, that is why I copied her.
Yes I did wonder and I also found out why.
HG I keep having flashbacks from the past about my mum. I was slready on UK around 6years not seeing her much as she lives in my mother country and I remember when she came over because my baby her grandson was due…the day before she made a huge argument about luggage that she blew it out of proportions to the point that she went back home! Left me just like that…she couldn’t handle that everthing was evolving around me n baby… I did not even cry anymore .. I wasn’t surprised. .. But leaving me in such state and need not the first time made me understand that it wasn’t normal… plus silent treatments for months…
Excelent by the way.. word by word a greater .
Thank you Nikita.
I know this one … 😢
Goodness HG. You literally make me want to go out and save everyone from your kind.
Well doing that will keep you out of mischief I suppose Alexis.
Is that because you’re scared HG ? After you’ve taught me everything you know ?
I don’t do scared Alexis.
Wow !
The lies !! And the mind games !!
Well HG!
Literally exhaustion has just washed all over me, followed by instant relief….