You’re The One That I Want

I will have told you that I only have eyes for you, that you are the one, that I am completely dedicated to you and that I only ever want to be with you. You make me say these things. It is your expectation of such faithfulness to you and you alone, indoctrinated into you by the world, that causes me to have to say these things. I need to fulfil your expectations in order to capture you and then keep you. It is a ridiculous state of affairs. Since when can a person be sustained on one thing alone? It is impossible. At its most basic, you are given only water to drink and nothing to eat. You will starve. Then if you are given just bread to eat your body will be malnourished as it is not getting the nutrients it needs from fruit, vegetables, meat and so on. One food stuff alone is not sufficient. Take your job. If you had to do the same thing over and over again, the absolute same task you will go out of your mind with boredom. Either that or you would lose your job to mechanisation. One thing is not enough.

Have you only ever had one relationship? Unlikely. How else would you know whether this is right if you have nothing to compare it against? Can one man win a football match? Of course not. He needs his team mates. Where does your stimulation come from? Are you confined to reading just one book repeatedly? No. One film seen countless times? No, you like and prefer a variety of silver-screened entertainment. Do you have just one person you interact with on a social level? Again the answer is no. You draw your social nourishment from different friends, family members, acquaintances and so forth. One is not enough.

I am no different. The thing that sustains me is fuel. I must draw this from several sources. Yet, my necessary actions in acquiring this fuel subject me to moral indignation and disapproval. How is that fair? I do not tell you that you must only eat one kind of breakfast cereal for the rest of your life, why should I be expected to gather my fuel from just one appliance? I need the variety. Not only is this necessary to ensure that I have fuel on tap at all times, it is necessary to provide the catalyst for the provision of fuel from my primary appliance. If I have nothing by which I can provoke a reaction from you, your free-flowing fuel will soon dry up.

The result is that you and I are never alone. There is no singularity despite all of my words asserting that this is the case. When I first ensnare you there will be another who is being subjected to my vitriol. You are most likely warned of this psychotic ex. What I am less likely to tell you about is my ongoing campaign of denigration in order to harvest further fuel from this harlot who has let me down. I may even be faithful at first. Yes faithful by your understanding of the concept, namely that I will not physically consort with another. I am not faithful however in just being solely committed to you. I will be reaching out to others in order to bring them into my sphere of influence, most likely whispering the very same things that I have said to you. My lips may not lock with these new opportunities but that is more by accident than design. I have certainly locked with them in order to draw fuel from them. As I walk through the day those invisible fuel lines reach out and attach to most who I interact with.I am sure, judged by your standards, you would not be overly concerned about the methods by which I draw fuel from some. In other instances you would be most concerned. Yet, you must understand that I am only doing what everyone does. I am seeking variety. In your instance you do it because you prefer it that way. It is interesting. Maintaining a variance keeps things fresh and stimulating. In my case I have to do it. There may not yet be any lipstick on my collar but there are scores of fuel lines attached and in ways that you are always going to find distasteful. That is of course if you ever find out.

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65 thoughts on “You’re The One That I Want”

    1. I assume you mean I consider what sex was like with person A as compared to person B, rather than discussing person A with person B? Yes I do but inextricably it is the fuel that is compared.

  1. I dont think of anyone in particular being sad and lonely despite diagnosis or anything.
    I think people need to maybe be more open to the idea that we all have differing versions of what we think sad and lonely means as well as having different needs.
    You wont ever find yourself sad or alone if your continually getting your needs met in the ways you need them to met and thats what others may fail to see.
    Just yea… thought id share my thoughts there lol.
    Cheers HG (and working on a reply for you also!!).

    1. exactly Cj7. I Know that people like to describe our kind as always going to end up sad and lonely so it makes them feel better about themselves, schadenfreude. I am never sad. I don’t do sad. Nor am I lonely. I cannot be lonely because of what I do. I know people may say ‘you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone because you don’t let anybody in’. That may be true for others, fair enough, but not for me.

      1. Thats it HG…. just because I dont let you close at all or anymore, does not mean i am alone right now or I sad!!

        How does anyone else know how another truly anyway?! You can attempt to describe it byt you will not fully ever grasp it because you cant know!!

      2. Guilty as charged m’lord.. I think I said that to you at some point HG though It’s pretty clear now that it won’t happen to you ..

        However I’m still not convinced ex N has traits anything like yours & so the vision of him ending up in some piss soaked undies, disheveled, & lonely, wan%ing off to internet porn with Mr Flacid is one I’m going to keep, for now anyway .. Whatever the outcome, I might not have won the battle , but I certainly won the war 🙂

        Thanks for this as always !!

      3. Haha.. Ty, I am trust me HG .
        At the moment I’ve got an image of Albert Steptoe in my head .. Hughgh.. Dirty old man ..

      4. You may have been able to avoid sad and lonely for now. If you go through with your isolation experiment, I think both will be at the forefront of making your acquaintance bug time.

      5. It is not a case of avoiding being sad, I just do not become sad.
        If I proceed with the isolation then clearly I will be alone, but will I feel lonely? I will be without fuel, yes, but will I be lonely?
        I don’t understand what “making your acquaintance bug time means”.

      6. It was the stupid autocorrect. Should have read big time, not bug time. Lol
        Your mother would not respond to tears or sadness. Your child brain had to teach itself, in essence to bypass that feeling. Immobilization is at the root of most traumas.
        For example a priest abusing an alter boy. The boy wants to fight off the priest but is immobilized by the fear and threats of what further will happen to him if he does. So he does nothing. Internalizes it.
        The few times you cried, you were never shown a good response. A comforting response. Your brain shut that down.

      7. Thanks Clarece, now it makes more sense and my response fits with that correction.
        I cannot disagree with what you have written.
        I am also pleased I was not an altar boy although I had my own priest taking an interest in me.

  2. My your insights and way of breaking down the thoughts and actions of this personality type/subtypes seems so spot on. Would you have more you’ve written on how you compare and prefer primary girls? There are probably many girls who would like to be your intimate it girl and will tend to your needs, and then what matters most to you? Like if each girl gives similar amounts of adoring/sad/angry fuel by your equations 10×9, etc. then what makes one girls 9 response better than another’s? Like if quantity is about the same since each empath wants to tend to you, what are the quality aspects of the response and of the girl (maybe attractiveness, sincerity) that you prefer? Thx for your generous time and perspectives.

    1. Hello Sara, thank you for your kind comments. Let us say i am seducing two prospective primary sources. They are secondary sources at the time but I identify that they have significant potential to be installed as primary sources. There is little to distinguish their fuel, thus as you write, if one girl gives 9 and so does another, what makes one’s response better? The answer is, it does not. They are essentially equal. However in determining which one would make the better primary source one also considers:-
      1. The ease of the seduction in binding the appliance;
      2. Their “stickability” – how well are they going to stay with me;
      3. The frequency of the fuel provision. The both may give “9s” but one may do so more often than the others.
      4. Are their character traits which make one more appealing than the other – i.e. traits I can take and use as my own;
      5 . Does one have better residual benefits than the other?
      Fuel is the most important element but there are other factors to consider.

      1. That’s all fascinating – so what one thinks of as love is a sum of identifiable benefits more or less. And do you persist to use the traits after you devalued and discarded a person? Or do you also shed their traits bc you feel they are too beneath you once you discard someone. If you use their traits or sayings after a discard, does that mean they have entered your sixth state or you can separate something useful even if the source is devalued?

      2. Yes we will use the traits afterwards if it suits our purposes as they belong to us now, not the person who has been discarded. It doesn’t mean they have entered the sixth sphere because the trait is ours not theirs. I liked how you considered this application, thanks for the questions.

  3. HG, I have another question if you dont mind? After blocking and going no contact, what are they capable of? I have a horrible feeling one I haven’t had for 8 years. I should’ve died that night. I had this same feeling I had then. His sister called me to warn me earlier hes on one of his rampages because I wont respond. But I had this feeling long before her call.

  4. I dated a Narc, and during the devaluation stage we were supposed to meet up at a huge outdoor picnic of a mutual friend. When I started dating my narc he love bombed me so bad that I dumped my boyfriend and betrayed one of my friends ( who was dating my narc when he decided to go for me ) I am still ashamed of what I did to two innocent people but anyway: the outdoor picnic. So we planned to meet up there and made tentative plans for afterward. I arrived first and he was late. He then arrived with another woman!!!?!?? I was dumbfounded. She was beautiful and he was unapologetic and almost deliberate in strutting her past me. It was humiliating and my best friend ( who hated my narc ) convinced me to leave without a scene. I was bewildered yet I felt I deserved it for what I did to a friend and my ex boyfriend. The narc called me the next night but I wasn’t home. I was prepared to never see or talk to him again which made him seem to chase after me all the more. Eventually we spoke and he tried to blame me for making him bring another woman to the party. I honestly thought that everyone was in on some kind of secret except me. I told him I just wanted to be friends because what he did would never be OK with me, He seemed to become re- interested in me all over again. Now that I have been reading your blog, it makes more sense to me, but I could never understand why he deliberately tried to humiliate me in person. Did he think there would have been a cat fight over him? He ended up eventually giving up on me and launching a smear campaign. What a piece of work.

    1. Hello Lee-Lee, it is, as ever, all about the fuel. By causing a cat fight he gets two amounts of fuel and then can blame the participants and stand there blameless.

      1. Thanks HG. I tried so hard to make sense of what he did from the perspective of a normal person and it was mind numbing to say the least . I can honestly say that was the slimiest thing ever done to me. The narc was actually pissed that I didn’t react the way that he thought I should. In my book when you do that to someone it means ” I am done with you forever” this jerk was just getting started. I have one more question HG if you don’t mind. Is that the action of a lesser level narc? This guy thought he was God’s gift but other than good looks, he didn’t have much else to back it up except HIS delusions that he was good in bed and good at sports etc. It just seems like an amateur thing for a narc to do, putting it all out there like that. So many people knew we were dating ( except for the woman he brought apparently ) and he made himself look like a real creep. Im so glad I didn’t give him the fuel that he so desperately needed by pulling a stunt like that. My question: what was the worst thing you ever did for fuel ? If you can’t answer I understand. Also have you ever been rejected by a woman who saw through what you were up to ? If so what does that feel like to a narc? Thanks so much for all you do. I really love you ! ❤️

      2. He sounds like he is a Lesser Somatic from the brief information provided.
        The worst thing I have ever done for fuel? Wait and see.
        In terms of rejection, do you mean when I was trying to seduce somebody or did they see through me later and escape after we had been in a relationship?
        You are welcome and thank you for reading.

      3. Ooooh! I can’t wait to hear about the worst things you have done to get fuel!! My question was how does it feel to be rejected without any drama.? Such as a blow off from someone who you saw as a possible source of fuel, OR no contact from a current victim? What happens if you are stuck in a situation where there are no sources of fuel? I truly think that is what happened to OJ Simpson the night he murdered his wife and Ron Goldman, he was being rejected in spades with no one to pump up his ego or give him any fuel and he went crazy. That’s just my opinion.

      4. If I am rejected (rare as it is) by a potential source of fuel and it is done without any drama this of course is a criticism. This ignites my fury. I evaluate whether I should direct my fury against this non-compliant appliance to see if I can draw a reaction, usually a negative one, but negative fuel is also welcome of course, especially if I know there is no chance of seducing that person. I have to take into account potential damage to the facade by going on the attack, if you will, but often a blow off will result in some getting a Tudor Dressing Down to gain negative fuel so I can heal the wound caused by the criticism. If I evaluate that the person is unlikely to react further (which is quite rare since most people react if they are insulted – it is one thing to brush someone off with out drama, another when that person insults you for giving the brush off) then I will withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere.
        I understand the point you are making and you may well be right. This would mean a low control threshold of course to erupt in such a fashion.

  5. That makes perfect sence especially looking back at my previous relationship. One to be slow to anger and never liking drama or to hurt others feelings my ex new how to push me to the point I have never known. I would turn into this person that would try to run him over with my car. If he came at me i would make sure the bat by my door got him first. It always seemed to stop his rage quicker than if I didnt respond. Reading your blogs has helped me to understand much although there is still much to understand. I look forward to the new insight of a world I have always been a part of just never new it.

    1. I do not ever feel sad, I do not know how to.
      I am never lonely because I interact with people so often, I have to.
      I think people like to think we are sad and lonely as it makes them feel better about themselves.

      1. That is spot on, HG. Sadly, most people just don’t get it,

        People say that to me all the time. “It must be lonely being you.” How the hell can it be when I am always surrounded by people who, for whatever their reason, just can’t seem to get enough or stay away, even when they know it’s probably best?

        They think I am “lonely” because I “don’t know what real love is” or because all my relationships are so “shallow and one-sided.”

        These are the same people who immerse themselves in “real love” and attempt to have “meaningful and deep” relations with people and end up whining and crying about how their hearts have been broken (for the trillionth time). They don’t realize THEY are the ones who make love and deep connections look so bloody sad, pathetic and not worth the pain and aggravation.

      2. There is repeated mention of the Lesser through the articles Linda but you should not have too long to wait (a week or two) for a whole book about the Lesser Narcissist, it is the one which is being worked on the most at present.

      3. I agree. I have never found an undertone of you being sad and lonely. I recall one on again off again reader here, after hearing your radio interview thought you sounded sad and lonely and was pretty negative.
        You are definitely strong. No doubt about that. Almost like a trained soldier who fought a war and witnessed horrible, traumatic events. Except you were a child, dealing with a war at home with your own mother instead of foreign enemy. You were brutally violated by the single one person whose job it is to protect you the most. You aren’t lonely. You’re numb. You haven’t been able to surrender to an intimate partner because you are hyper vigilant to any cues that will set off reminders of emotional blows from your mother (basically you’re first intimate partner so to speak). And a strategy for numbness is the influx of variety of fuel lines to feel alive on the surface. Your coping strategy.

  6. By understanding and accepting a person You have a choice: to leave or remain. I choose the latter. No matter what. Why some people deserve acceptance and others don’t? We are all human aren’t we dear G.?

      1. Wow like a Terminators or these ones from Humans drama? 😉
        On the other site if I could switch off my emotions whilst being raped or silent treated that makes me one hell machine too…

  7. Movies, books, etc. have no feelings and are expected to be multiple. Intimate relationships aren’t (to include multiple). We were created to be with one other. Anything else leads to chaos. Many couples married a long time are happier and more content later than even at beginning. There’s something to be said for peace, contentment and purity.

  8. No judgement here on your polyamory. The thing is that you do it secretively, behind your primary’s back. That’s the issue. Variety is nice, why not be open about it?
    And why not be fair and let her do the same? I think you’ve said the answers before….something to do with double standards and being entitled? Any other reasons?

  9. This reminded me of a conversation I had long ago. How if you could see the wires connecting one person from just their cell phone to everything.
    I do believe he was saying something entirely different then the subject he brought up.
    Subtle.

  10. We all like variety when it comes to human interaction but it doesn’t mean that we can’t keep it in our pants, but what no one knows won’t hurt them…

    BTW thanks for the title…now I have that song from Grease stuck in my head!

  11. I understand you need variety… it is the spice of life. There is nothing wrong with that. However, you expect us to be fully available to you and only you. You state you want loyalty and complete dedication. Yet, if our fuel flows so freely, and we are of such a giving nature, then wouldn’t it make more sense for us to also give to others? Maybe this would prevent our fuel from turning stale to you. Perhaps then we would finally have a harmonious relationship. While you are out gallivanting and discovering other pastures, we can fill up our dead time by having others love bomb, play mind games, devalue, discard, and hover us. I have read that narcissists get along quite well with histrionics. Ever experienced a histrionic woman?

    1. Interesting points Love and I see the logic of what you suggest but I could not countenance one of my appliance being attached to someone else. That undermines my notion of control and superiority.
      Have I ever experienced a histrionic woman? Many times.

      1. And how were the experiences for you? Histrionics are quite dramatic and very emotional by nature – so I assume lots of fuel-filled fun?

  12. I need to speak with you. I have been in a narcassistic relationship off and on again for 21 years. Im only 35. I have been previously married, and it ended due to him finding me and planting seeds in my huabands head. After the divorce he persuaded me not even realizing what the hell was going on. That was 10 years ago and its been a nightmare ever since. After the last discard stage, 3 months ago, a light bulb went off and i figured it out. Now we have a child together. After about a month of him fucking and partying as much as he could the hovering started. I refused all attemps until a week ago. He asked if I wanted to take our daughter to the fair. I agreed because I wanted closure any kind I can get. In 24hrs I played every game he had to me. Then went home. I gave him a choice respect my boundaries or be blocked knowing he could never do this. Within minutes he broke the boundaries and was cut off completely except threw email. I know this was wrong but now hes getting worse. Stalking. He walked into my home yesterday. Im ready to move on. How can i get him to leave me alone and why wont he stop? Please your insight would be so helpful and thank you for your honesty on your blogs.

    1. Hello Elizabeth,
      Thank you for reading the blog and your kind compliment.
      To get him to leave you alone you need to stop the provision of fuel and cause him to realise that you are an unattractive prospect for fuel, as well as staying out of his spheres of influence so that there is less likelihood of the Hoover Trigger. He knows he can get fuel from you, this is why he keeps hovering. Stop providing fuel. Stop letting him think he can get fuel from you. Then he will be forced to go elsewhere. It will not be easy but it is achievable.
      You need to read my books and especially the following – Escape, Fuel, No Contact, Black Hole, Smeared and Exorcism.
      You need to go no contact, build your defences and keep him out. You will NOT get any closure from him by interacting with him. You must understand that.
      Keep reading and you can ask all the questions you like here.

      1. Thank you for your advice, I will be definitely reading what you recommended. Especially since this is all new to me, and reading takes up most of the little free time I have. I have a thousand questions. One impaticular if you dont mind. I was recently out with my group of supporters, yes after 10 yrs I refused to give them up. One guy pulled up a chair and start talking. He left than another. It was like i was taking interviews. Im in no rush to get in a relationship im having to much fun, but is there something they say or do right off for I can spot them easier. Or something i can do to turn off the neon light? They all seemed to immediatly cofide in me.

      2. You evidently attract them. You cannot switch it off as that would be to deny what you are. You need to spot them so you can evade them. Read Red Flag and use what is in Exposed Parts One and Two in that regard.

      3. Thank you HG for you’re insight. It is very helpful! Or should I show my gratitude with calling you some sort of insult knowing your kind prefers negative fuel. Im honestly only kidding but again thank you.

      4. Ha ha, no the praise will do. Remember it is the intimate source in a primary source role where the negative fuel is best. Outside of that, for reasons of effectiveness and the façade, positive fuel is preferred – save for the occasional scolding of a secondary appliance and the upbraiding of a meaningless tertiary source.

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