You Want to Wake Up

Remember when you would wake up and reach for your mobile ‘phone and find that loving and uplifting message that I had sent you? I always rose before you and ensured that a delicious, tantalising text was sent to you ready for when you woke. Like a morning cup of tea on your night stand it was that little gesture which made you feel special. It told you that the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was you. This message of love, desire, passions and excitement would provide you with the first buzz of the day, a delicious reminder of how wonderful I am and how marvellous we are together. The first text of the deluge that would follow throughout the day, scores of little gift-wrapped presents which you open and smile, laugh and melt over. Little did you realise that these messages had been recycled from your predecessor and would be used again for your replacement. Little did you also realise that two other people were receiving these messages first thing in the morning.

Now there is nothing. There is no chime of that early morning text. There is no winking light denoting the text waiting for you to open it. It is silence. As your eyes open, the conditioning that I caused makes you immediately remember how you used to feel when that text arrived. Where once you woke with excitement in your stomach now it is just the sharp stab of pain as you know there is nothing waiting for you. You understand this is how it should be, the need to stay away from me, but it hurts. It hurts so much and how long will this pain remain with you? Will it ever go away? Those months of daily morning texts has ingrained a pattern and a longing inside you and no matter how hard you try the first thought of your day is always

“Four months ago he was still sending me those wonderful texts.” Last month it was the same sentence only it began with three. You roll on to your back and though you know you shouldn’t, you cannot help but allow me into your mind even further as you recall those mornings where we ended up late for week because of our passionate love-making. That quick dart to the en suite and then back into bed where I was waiting for you. You turn and look at the empty pillow and that all too familiar bitter sweet sensations sweeps across you. You know you should not do this. You know you ought now to seek refuge amongst the ghosts of once what was, but it makes the pain lessen, just for a while and it is just a memory isn’t it, thinking about me just the one time cannot do any harm can it? Just the one time. You give a twisted smile at that sentence which has somehow become your daily mantra as you struggle to escape the toxins that I have left inside you, the legacy of my oh so effective seduction and poisoning of you.Β Just the one time you check on my tweets and who is following me and who I am following. Just the one time you parked near where I lived and watched slumped in your driver’s seat to see who might appear at my door. Just the one time you sent a friend to watch me at an event you knew I would be attended and to report back on what she saw. Just the one time you re-read the e-mails I sent you. It was just the one time for them all and more, well one time a week then one time a day, but I dont know what you are doing do I, so where is the harm? Just the one time you return to my Facebook profile, scouring it, looking for clues like some desperate detective intent on tracking down the prolific killer. You check what I have liked, a picture here, a comment there, some meme about relationships which could be a dig at you but you are not sure. Any trace of you has been erased from my profile, gone are the messages, the comments and the pictures. Somebody else is there now, although there is some ambiguity. A red-headed woman appears in several pictures, laughing with me. You see one where her arms is draped around my shoulders and you feel the burning jealousy and anger and curse both you and I for this feeling. You fling your tablet to one side, muttering under your breath, just the one look having derailed your day before it has begun and vow not to look again. But you will. Just one look. A journey through the carousel of pictures, checking fingers to see if rings have appeared on them, of both me (it would be awful to see that rings on my wedding finger, something I always denied you) and of the women I pose with (it makes you feel sort of better if they wear a ring, that means that they won’t be with me, doesn’t it?)

You skulk amongst my twitter posts and return to my profile on my work website, reading the biography which you know off by heart. Your fingers rest on my profile picture as you see again the tie which you bought me for that particular photo shoot. Some days you wish it would be updated and then others days this once look makes you feel that perhaps I do not hate you, how can I if I still allow this picture to remain? You try not to think about me but somehow your mind just wanders there of its own volition, snaking through a thousand memories that spring up each day. Perhaps you will stay awhile amidst them, just the once minute of remembering. At the weekend you drove out to the forest path we used to amble along during sunny September mornings. Nobody else was ever there. Just you and I. You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand. It was meant to be just the one time but you have returned three times since, each time swearing that this time is when you exorcise those spectres.

What am I doing now? No doubt getting ready for work, perhaps showering and singing away as I once did in the shower we shared. Am I with somebody? Is somebody preparing breakfast for me or reclining in bed waiting for me to return to the bedroom towel draped about me? It seems so long since you have heard from me and so much remains unanswered, unsaid and unresolved. How would I react if you rang me? You cannot bring yourself to delete my number, just in case there was that one final conversation which could take place and put so many issues to bed, slay so many demons and close so many doors. That would all that it would take surely? Just the one conversation. Keep it business like, keep your emotions in check but just to get some answers so you can move on. Surely that is owed to you? You wonder whether I would answer if you rang me? How would I react if I saw your number on the display? You doubt I have blocked you, why would I do that? Your fingers toy with your phone, you need to know, just the once, just to make the hurt go away. You find my name. You want to hear my voice again, talk and no more but you feel anxious and the trepidation crawls over you. You need to know. You need the answers. What about ringing me and then stopping before I answer to see if I call back? Yes, that is a good idea, that would then show that I do want to talk to you, without the fear of having me hang up on you. That’s it. You will telephone me again after these months of nothing and let it ring and then this ever present agony can be eased. The questions can be answered when I call you back. You will not melt into my arms again. No, you are going to resist those sweet charms because you know what lies behind them. You have earned your stripes in that regard but you need to have this conversation, for yourself. You need to know I will talk to you. A text message isn’t immediate enough. I might not see it for some time or delay in replying, but a missed call, that brings a potential for urgency and immediacy and I am bound to respond to that aren’t I. You will call me. You will call and let it ring. Just the one time.

29 thoughts on “You Want to Wake Up

  1. imayeoman says:

    This is how I felt until I started educating myself. I’ve spend weeks reading. Engulfed

    The more I understood, the more detached I became and the better I felt.

  2. entertainment says:

    Every Morning for a few weeks, until I question him. How he treat other women with lack of respect. His response is that he wish he hadn’t shared his past with me and I am judging him. Pulled silent treatment for 2 days. He has a girlfriend that he says he’s breaking up with because she acts psycho. He God’s gift to women and the LD stands for ladies dream. I would say he’s a lesser because he inability to control his anger when I purposely criticize him. Thanks H.G.

    Good Morning my beautiful Penelope! I enjoyed talking with you last night it was really good to hear your voice more than so….
    I love to hear you laugh and how we just connect so easily. I do believe that we will have an “AWESOME FANTASTIC TIME ” When we finally lock eyes together and embrace a hug and a kiss!!!!
    I know some days or harder than others. But I’m not changing & I’m not going anywhere! You’ll have me as a true dear friend and more!!!! 😘
    Alright love hopefully I’ll hear from you later today. Drive safely and be careful out there!!!!
    Love your Big Guy LD!!!!πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜‰

    Good Morning my beautiful Penelope! Have a blessed day. And always know your true love awake for you and can’t wait to see you I love you and God bless you be safe and careful call me when you can .Talk to you Later mylove

    Good morning I’m at Latasha’s you know I’m giving you heads up!πŸ˜† Also I
    Just wanted you to know that I’m here for you “NO MATTER WHAT” I’m still amazed on how we connected but I truly value and love our connection! I know life have it’s challenges and ups and downs. This is when your heart and mind speaks to you and you feel like your love has even gotten strong or weaker for someone!
    So who do you follow the heart or mind!
    That’s when it gets difficult. So pray about it and be sincere and give it to the Lord in prayer!
    I love you and I’m waiting for you to be in my arms in another month.
    Alright I’ll talk with you later. By the way I’m off today.
    Kisses from my lips to your lips πŸ’‹πŸ˜˜πŸ’˜

  3. There it is says:

    Arghhhh ~ yes! The daily phone calls on his way to work between 9 & 10. In the love bombing stage, the calls, texts, as well as FB messages day and night were relentless. I actually felt a little uncomfortable that he wanted to communicate so much! In the devalue stage, these dwindled down to only a phone call twice a week for about 5 minutes each time and only then if someone else wasn’t calling, the call was cut-off with an “I’ve got to go, someone is calling me” & he would be gone, instantly. This on his personal phone ~ not business! Two months on & I still look at the clock between 9 & 10 ….. go away … get out of my head!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello There It Is and rather aptly, there is the Ever Presence as you succinctly describe.

      1. There it is says:

        Exactly HG. This is the reason I am ‘There it is’ ~ ‘Narcissism’ ~ the answer to the confusion. It was also a song dedicated to me … at least I think it was dedicated to me … :O

  4. Victoria says:

    Mine would call 15 times a day from the second I got to work. By the end I started to notice that it was less and less. Once I blocked him I never spoke to him again. That was 7 months ago. The NC on the phone was not hard. It was like the blocking of the phone stopped the energy from penetrating through the phone … Facebook has been another story. He splashed new supply constantly and I couldn’t stop looking.

  5. In the golden period DN would text all day long and if I did not respond within 15 minutes…he freaked!!! By the devalue period he had me freaked if he didn’t text me back in 15….then I woke up….again!!!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No who is mirroring who?

  6. Maddie says:

    Yeah… the mornings…. Lost myself in daydreaming.. will You please stop that teasing? naughty and cheeky You! Messages in the morning during golden period were awesome. . .during repeated golden periods after devaluations made me feel sick and wanted chuck my mobile into the toilet… I miss them tho… the first excited ones… the early morning and middle of the night one… in the end of the day made me feel that even if for 10sec he spent sending them he unfortunately had to think of me in order to choose the write receiver on his contact list ..

  7. Jessica says:

    Spot on once again HG… He does lurk in my mind but I have resisted the urge to contact him. I instead email my therapist and she gets to see the hurt pain and lonliness I cover so well. When I am at work all is good. When I am at home that is a completely different animal. Wondering how long the pain will last… Why won’t it go away…
    I just want it to go away and it doesn’t.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The pain takes some time owing to the infection we create, I recommend you read Exorcism for ways to address this.

      1. Jessica says:

        Thank you

    2. Victoris says:


      I thought that for several months but time does make it better. Reading and researching really helped me. In real life most people will tell you to get over it which invalidates our feelings and makes it worse. I stopped talking to people about it. The abuse can be so subtle that it can even be done in plain sight which is what makes it so wicked.

      I came to the conclusion it was the trauma bonds that makes us stay and keeps us stuck. I have a psychiatrist friend who called it chasing Jason like a drug. I worked out a ton to address the peptides. I read and read and read and watched you tube videos. I felt this was a community that could validate my feelings and they did. I’ve been low contact 7 months and watched him splash new supply in my face constantly. He got no reaction from me. His new supply has now figured him out and is probably on the floor now. It does get better!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you for adding that Victorois. I endorse your recommendation of reading.

  8. Lilly says:

    One guy also would text every couple of hours, “what are you up to?” Working. “Wyd sweetie?” yeah. Still working. I know you’ve talked about that behavior before on here too.

  9. Wha????

    You lost me after “towel draped about me.”

    1. Stef says:

      lol agree. it’s getting a little cheesy, with this excessive reveling in the fantasy
      Drama drama

      HG do you know when was your initial wounding?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Hello Stef, as in when it took place in my childhood?

      2. You misunderstood my comment.

        That`s what we do – we revel in the fantasy we create. The same one we destroy at the drop of a hat, just because.

  10. Rhonda says:

    HG you never cease to amaze me, you made me very uncomfortable when I first started reading due to the accuracy of your writings. Now I am grateful and admire you, have for awhile.
    You have helped me out yesterday with something I had to attend to, I am indebt to you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Rhonda, I am please to read that and you are most welcome.

  11. Lilly says:

    A few people tried to do the early morning text thing, but I just found it annoying. I’m trying to get ready for work, and then going to work, why are you bugging me? Of course now I know why.

  12. Indy says:

    Growls…bit too close. I know that conditioning too well. I got those texts like clockwork for nearly two years. Like an addict, I had the cravings, withdrawals, and the occasional wondering of what is he doing now….even though I left. Like a drug, that relationship red flag. During our last conversation when I reiterated it was over, he asked if he could still call daily….that he missed those daily contacts. I suppose he was addicted too, just to a different drug.

    1. Snow White says:

      Hi Indy, I received them too. I loved waking up. “Good morning beautiful” was there for two years on my phone. Even the sound of the ping was addicting. It was hard the first few months not to cry because I wasn’t receiving those texts. And my morning, lunch, and drive home phone calls were obsolete. The withdrawal of all the interactions on the phone with her was extremely hard. I still wonder what she is doing but it doesn’t consume me like it did. I won’t ever make the first phone call to her, it’s the call from her that will still be tempting. But I have come a long way, and you have too Indy!

      1. So hard to come to the realization that constant contact is gone. I spoke with my husband on my way to work, on my breaks, on my lunch, the drive home and most of the evening when he was working nights. We could talk for hours. About everything and nothing. He’d even keep me on the phone when we weren’t talking. And now nothing. He’ll text and ask about his one month old son. Here’s how that goes:
        Him: how’s the baby
        Me: good

        And that’s it. He never elaborates or asks for pictures. I guess the once a week visits are enough for him. (Totally different rant tho)

        But seeing as this talking constantly and texting isn’t “normal” behavior I worry about my next relationship as he has conditioned me to enjoy this type of contact. 😩

        1. Snow White says:

          Hello OCBF,
          It’s hard not to want that kind of contact again. I was excited to have someone to talk to throughout my whole day like that. I thought I was lucky. But once again I had people tell me that the nonstop messaging and phone calls were not “normal”. I didn’t listen.
          I hope you and your son are ok. It must have been a big adjustment for you.
          Best wishes to you both ❀️❀️

      2. Indy says:

        True, we have Snow! 🍎❀️

      3. Thank you Snow White. I am adjusting to the fact that he has no remorse. I left him at 6 months pregnant due to his affair and not wanting to end it. It’s been hard but I think I’ll survive. Learning from HG has helped. Now just to be strong enough to stay neutral and not give him fuel.
        One step at a time 😊

        1. Snow White says:

          OCBF, you are already a very strong woman. Leaving in the middle of your pregnancy must have been tough. I hope you have a good support system. Finding people who understand is hard, that’s why I feel comfortable on this blog. I also left mine and I didn’t want things to end either. I thought I was going to have her forever. Learning here from HG has helped a lot.
          You deserve a ton of hugs XXXxxx U too HG even though you don’t like them ❀️❀️

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