Silent Ever So Silent
The use of and imposition of silence are two of the most powerful weapons in our abusive arsenal. Silence is easy to deploy and horrendously effective in securing our aims of compliance, control and fuel.
1. My silence is always meaningful
You may sit quietly because you have no need to say anything. You may remain silent because you are listening to somebody else or just enjoying the silence. We do not allow silence to be used in such a passive and redundant fashion. Our silence is used to convey contempt. It is used to draw concern and cause anguish in you. When we fall silence that pregnant pause is an indicator of the fury which will be unleashed against you. The longer silence is the imposition of our cold fury as you are banished to a sustained silent treatment. When we sit in silence we are not savouring the lack of noise, we are thinking, planning and plotting, calculating our next step. Our silences are weapons, they are our operations headquarters, our defence against your critical wounding of us. We use silence to hurt you, warn you, scold you and indicate you have overstepped the mark. Every silence has a meaning, it would be remiss of us to use it any other way.
2. Absence makes the silence longer
The deployment of an absent silent treatment where we remove ourselves from you, invariably with no warning or indication is a confirmation to you that this silence treatment will not be short-lived. The need to absent ourselves sends you a clear signal that we will be gone for some time. It is designed to have you come after us, try to contact us and beg and plead so that you fuel us. When we impose a period of absence by vanishing we are reinforcing how easily we are able to consider you gone from our lives. You may not even be able to contact us but we gather fuel from our knowledge that this sudden disappearance will cause you considerable consternation and worry. The absent silent treatment is also a key indicator that we are engaged in the seduction of a new prospect and providing this person with our false love and attention, which we have removed from you.
3. The silent gesture
Our silences are not just occasioned by us not talking to you or absenting ourselves for a period of time. We deploy silence through gestures. We may not turn up when we have agreed to a date with you, in order to reinforce how your mean so little to us and that we have any number of more pressing engagements to attend to than dine with you in a restaurant. Leaving you alone in bed, our side of the bed now empty and cold is also a hammer blow to your confidence and self esteem as we choose the spare room, the sofa or the bed of another in preference to being with you during the night. The silent telephone call from a withheld number, used when we are hovering you, is designed to put you on edge. Is it us calling you this late? It must be mustn’t it, but you cannot be sure? The failure to buy you a gift on your birthday, creating a gap which ought to have been filled stand out considerably and allows us to apply maximum hurt through such a silent gesture.
4. The silent presence
By giving you the cold shoulder when everyone else is met warmly and enthusiastically, we cause you to feel completely alone even when you are surrounded by others. You try to carry on as if nothing has happened but you know that people will be wondering why we are not speaking to you. You feel the flush of embarrassment as once again you try to speak to us and you receive only a glare and then we sweep away. You want to challenge us but as ever it is you that will be criticised for creating a scene. You want to upbraid us for our childish sulking but you have learned that the consequences of doing so are not worth suffering. We of course know all this and we know how powerful our freezing you out in the company of others really is.
5. Suffer in silence
You are never to speak of what goes on between you and I to anyone else. Should you ever do so you are committing an act of heinous betrayal and your punishment for such a transgression will be malicious and fierce. You are not to betray me and speak of what you are subjected to. You are to endure it so that you become a better person, one who is compliant and obedient. Do you understand? I also know that you fear the repercussions of speaking out and this enforces my curfew. I also know that you feel compelled to remain loyal because of the golden period and how you feel duty bound to remain and try to resolve matters, work this difficult period through and fix what has become somehow broken. Your indefatigable spirit teeters on the brink of misplaced pride at not telling tales and instead knuckling down, irrespective of what is thrown at you, in order to bring about a resolution to our problems. You cannot succeed but you do not know that yet. For now you must suffer in silence.
6. I speak, you stay silent
Never interrupt me, never talk over me, never steal my thunder. When I speak everybody listens because what I have to say is brilliant, great and of tremendous import. You would do well to listen to improve yourself, please me and avoid angering me. You are my sounding board, Horatio to my Hamlet, a listener and in my presence you only speak when it is required to honour my achievements and laud my greatness. You are to be seen but only heard when I deem in necessary. Who wants to listen to what you have to say anyway? You only get invited to events because of me. They are only friends with you because they are friends of mine. Nobody is interested in you. Nobody. So stay quiet and listen.
59 thoughts on “Silent Ever So Silent”
Would my Narc care if I went ultimate NC? Off the planet?
See How No Contact Feels Parts One to Three, DD
Saturday my narc of 2 1/2 years on and off went looking for condos to live together and sell both our houses. Day was incredible laughing fun super. It is now Monday almost noon and haven’t heard from him at all. This was his idea and i liked it. What happened from a fantastic day and weeks actually of getting along harmoniously to NC? Why??
There are various explanations but one would need to know your position in the fuel matrix, where you are in the dynamic etc.
we r exclusive and he gave me commitment ring on valentines day… i know he’s saddled with selling his business and put his house on the market to save money even though he didn’t discuss with either of his two boys who live with him. The two of them don’t communicate as there seems to be a great deal of anger towards him after the wife left (after she cheated on him)… moving in together was his idea and now silence after having a great day! I don’t get it.
A) HE SAYS she cheated.
B) Bring the house for sale without talking to the kids sounds like a terrible father
C) Nobody normal has a great day out and then gives you a silent treatment or shelves you.
We have been in a committed relationship since Valentine’s Day (ring and all) but I also think he has aspergers and I’m researching what looks like my narc is teeters on the border of narc and aspie attributes toward women …
I am devastated. After almost 3 years and multiple silent treatments He is gone once again…….I just discovered this site yesterday. My mind is still foggy I still want him back, I want to know if he will come back, and when? Oh the questions. The stress. I tried texting and calling him……and nothing.
Hello Kris and welcome. You are drowning in the emotional sea at present. You want him back because of the emotional infection and it is entirely understandable.
Will he come back? Yes if there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. If you are trying to contact him you will enter his sphere of influence and a hoover will follow if the criteria is met. It probably won’t be met at the moment because he has no need of fuel from you because he is getting it elsewhere. Since you know what he is, you need to work on not contacting him and crossing the emotional sea. Read this blog and my books. Specifically you ought to read The Post Discard Battles 1-3, The Spheres of Influence and Hoover Time! Sphere One. You should also immerse yourself in The Devil’s Toolkit, Black Flag, Smeared, Your Fault, No Contact and Exorcism as a minimum.
I think “Power of Illusion” is also really important to read at this juncture. It’s her whole world for her, not so much for him.
Good point Clarece, thank you.
This is so difficult for me. I know what he is……it is just so hard to except it. It hurts so bad that I gave 200% compared to his 1%…..if that. I know I should not be contacting him. I caved and tried texting him again today. Of course…no reply. We live in an extremely small town I don’t think that he is with anyone else…..maybe not “in person” I think he does all of his stuff online. He knows he still has a key to my house and I haven’t gotten it back. He leaves some of his clothes here every time I guess as a way back in the door? I don’t know. I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of this. I thank you all for your support.
Yes the clothes are ever presence. Have a read of Exorcism to understand more and how to deal with it Bashgirl.
He will return when he thinks he’s reasserted control over you with this absent silent treatment and/or he’s been well fuelled by his secondary source(s) . (Right HG?)
The best thing you can do is gather all his shit, put it in a box on the porch, and change the locks if you can.
You need out- you already know this. But take advantage of this time apart and devour the work that’s been suggested to you.
It gets better and you’ll be glad you found this site.
Oops just saw the date. Wonder how she’s doing lol
…oh yes, also remember that hoover fuel is the most potent for them. An interaction with him will power his seduction of his newest target. If he can’t get it from you, he will still get it from another appliance. It has to be up to us to choose to leave the dancefloor and sit out of the dance. It takes 2 to tango. Best of all, leave the building and don’t look back…
JN may have smooth moves, but dancing is no fun when our partner repeatedly treads on our toes and trips us up so we fall flat on our faces. When your energy has returned and you are ready, you will find a dance partner out there who will sweep you off your feet, albeit in a healthy way, and most importantly will catch you when you fall.
I’ve tried NC many times but because he lives so close to me he suddenly starts turning up absolutely everywhere I am. Some situations I can change my routine, others I can’t. He knows if I see him enough times it will wear me down. Another person said (rightly) that the only way to end this is to leave town. But that will cost tens of thousands of dollars to do.
This site has helped me so much. I love really getting into the mind of a narcissist. The past few weeks have really made me open my eyes to who he is, and he’s not a person worthy of me ‘winning him over’ (which is my issue, I need to feel validated by him wanting me, which is a whole topic in itself). He’s a bully, an abuser and a liar. He kept me around just so he could torment me. There’s really not much to idolise about somebody like that.
He’s been away this week, it’s been bliss. I’ve not cried once this week, nor have I been stressed, snapped at the kids, drunk wine to numb the pain. The town has been mine to wander around without fear of drive-bys from him. He comes back today. As I can’t go full NC with him, I am practising the art of indifference.
Not sure about all of that. I was the wallflower in school. I have to be assertive to be noticed. Guys have never pursued me. That’s just how it’s always been.
Thank you for taking interest and your kind encouragement. Means a lot. Have a great weekend!
This is response to Clarece as there is no “reply” option on her post…
Ha ha, you’re quite right, we can’t withdraw slowly. It’s a shame there’s no Narc rehab for us all!
There are people on here who know what their partner is, and yet they remain in a relationship. Whatever their reasons for doing this, that is their informed choice. However as you said “my brain accepts that this is 100% the best way to manoeuvre at this point”, I believe your best option is cold turkey. It will get easier as time goes on, I can attest to that. I have found that what has helped me is every time I get a hoover, I refer back to HG’s excellent book “Black Hole”, and identify which type he has used. I have ticked nearly all of them all off so far, and I play a guessing game of what the next one will be. My bet is that next time he will claim to have a (fake) serious illness…
Take it one day at a time! Eventually he won’t take up much of your headspace, as you will be too busy enjoying the rest of your life. Don’t feel bad about yourself if you relapse, just restart the counter to zero and maintain your resolve again. The more hoovers you can resist, the easier it gets.
It’s been 6 months for me now and I feel strong. My head feels so much clearer, and I am reclaiming my life. Nearly ready to start my next challenge now, giving up smoking, lol!
Thank you, SA, for posting this. I am looking for video that you had posted called: Crazy…not sure who it is by, but I cannot locate the post where you had this video up.
Wow Clarece, I love what your daughter said. That is amazingly accurate. I’m saving that quote.
My 13 year old once said ‘he’s wrecked you’, she’s seen the devastation he’s caused. He gatecrashed her 12th birthday (no idea why), and he said ‘most kids like me until they turn 12, then they go off me’, my daughter turns to him and says ‘I’ve never liked you’. You know sometimes your kids say something inappropriate but you are secretly high-fiving them? Hehe.
Even I laughed at that.
And they usually see and know the truth way before you do!
You are soooo right Alex!!!
They haven’t fully developed their filters yet and sometimes thank goodness for that! I asked my daughter where she came up with something so profound. Her school has in their curriculum starting with kindergarten, a program called Second Step. Twice a week they learn about emotions, how to handle frustration, anger, fear, bullying (as they progress in grades). She heard the candle analogy from her teacher. I wish to God I had that in my Catholic grade school curriculum growing up.
I appreciate your comment. She’s my ball of sunshine!!
I’ve always hated to be ignored. In the 18 months of being with the EN I did what I could to be as quiet as possible! He watched sports constantly and I had to be in the same room. When I put my foot down or he would verbally attack me I would leave and he would disappear for several days. I know now why he did that and what he was doing with his time. He would always come back like nothing happened or blow up my phone when he was done with his 3 day weekend!
I went no contact at first because I didn’t know what he was back in February! I just wanted respect! He had me replaced with a week. It was then that I googled “how can he move on so quickly” and it all came into focus. I’ve spent countless hours learning and reading and I got off the floor! It was not just this relationship it was every relationship I ever had and I realized it started with my Mother. No matter the level of success I achieved I was treated like an idiot!
In reading several of your books I realize that they know what they are doing! They are way more caluculating than I realized! It was your work that put the final piece of the puzzle to leave no doubt of what they are. I have my own theories as to why the tactics of narcissists are so similar!
Hello Victoria and thank you for your post. I am interested to read about you theories concerning the similarity of behaviour, perhaps you might share?
N1 called me a sounding board. Never heard that term and he was all…you are sitting there like a board while i bounce thoughts off you…that’s okay, the more you say about you…the less I say about me.
Looking back there were signs
My exs two favorite songs were called
Jekyll and Hyde
The sound of silence
Oh and he named his cat sneaky .
The x- bf liked wolves, and Spider-Man.
I see you “liked” my comment Clarece. I know you have been a reader/ commenter on this blog since it first began. I discovered it in March, just after I went No Contact without realising what he was and before I realised that this was the best thing to do with such a personality type. In my search for answers I have since greedily guzzled all the previous posts and comments since it began and continue to do so every day. I have already commented to HG that I am substituting my addiction to my ex N with this blog. I have also devoured most of HG’s books, and am left gagging for more. At least this is harmless to me and educational.
What interests me is why you “liked” this comment. It seems from your previous posts that you still wish to interact with your ex even though you know what he is. This has always puzzled me. And yet you still “liked” my comment about No Contact. This puzzles me even more. If you feel able to explain your thoughts I would be very interested. I have a lot of respect for you and value your comments.
I appreciate your interest and in asking about my situation. I very much liked your post. I agree with your post. My brain logically accepts that is 100% the best way to maneuver at this point. I liked your post because I really admire your ability to maintain NC.
That’s my downfall. I freaking SUCK at maintaining NC. Hence why I am still reading this blog daily. No doubt, there’s other readers shaking their head thinking, “no way, she caved and spoke to him again? WTH Clarece!!” I’d think the same thing. I’d tell a close friend or family member to stay no contact. I actually helped my best friend with ending a 5-year relationship with an lesser, alcoholic Narc. I even intervened and had a couple of exchanges with that one. I’ve actually connected the dots to a few other people in my past, over many years, that I disengaged with and maintain no contact with. At the time I just thought they were toxic people. Which they were. I’ve had the ability to do it before.
In H.G.’s book “Exorcism” he writes that part of what is so hard to come to terms with post discard is that you are grieving. And you think you are for the loss of the other person and the relationship you thought you had, could have had, whatever the case may be. In actuality, since everything was an illusion, you are in essence, grieving for yourself. The loss of the person you were when you thought you were in love, how good you felt and feeling you will never quite achieve that again. I know I won’t in the respect of how blindly trusting, innocent and naive, but how pure my intentions were and how it was just shit down a toilet. She was a great girl. And as long as I still have this raw, visceral anger and grief swirling around about it, I just know I will struggle each time he figures out a way to make contact. I’ve gotten very good since April, to not be the one to initiate contact. I can now stay away. But when he reaches out, oooohhhhhh, that’s still a toughie for me. But I can also tell in some of his statements following a heated exchange I am responding different and probably getting at 1 or 2 of his pillars as written about in “Revenge”. I’m not seeking out some master plan, but I’m prepared for him each time and that soothes some of that grief in me. This one is all about psychological mind f*ckery and winning. I’m still working on myself to figure out why it’s been so hard to let go. Yeah, so that’s where I’m at. Day 3 of a new cycle of NC. I won’t reach out, but H.G can probably call it when I can expect him to try again, since he’s nailed each 5 times I did get hoovered.
Hello Clarece, I relate so well to you. I was the same naive, trusting, and loving girl. We can’t feel bad for being that. Lol… Before I found this blog and HG’s books I still was contemplating going back to my relationship. HG stopped that line of thinking for me. I understand how important NC is. But just like you Clarece I don’t know if I could resist her reaching out to me. At least I am prepared on what I should and shouldn’t do. HG has given me the upper hand for a change. You have gained sooo much knowledge. Please don’t feel bad. I am sending lots of hugs and love to you.❤️🍎❤️
Awww, you’re too sweet! It’s nice to come here and feel “normal”.
My daughter never met JN. If he came over, it would be after she had gone down or wasn’t home. That has been quite some time as for about 2 years now he lives 2 hrs away. She had, however seen his name come across the phone especially when he was blowing it up with texts. She saw how he affected my moods. And she saw me be extremely down at times.
When she saw last week he had texted me when she was playing on my phone, she said not to talk to him. I asked why. She answered, “he always blows out your candle to make his burn brighter”. Ten years old. At least I’m not raising a sitting target! Lol
Perceptive young lady.
It is impressive.
Exactly what HG said!! Lol… They are soooo smart. They know a lot about us. My daughter would be furious with me if I broke NC. She tells me over and over again “I told you so”… She is at Ohio State and I keep trying to get her to major in psychology. Lol.. I remember you saying you lived in Ohio.
And speaking of tears, I had them in my eyes when you spoke of trying to have your miracle baby. Glad you got her. Awwww!!! They just come so easy for me.
She sounds like she is your rock. Mine is the person that HG speaks about that you need with you in “Exorcism”
I am extremely grateful that I have found somewhere to go to feel “normal”
Hi SW! My exact first thought when my daughter said that so emphatically was, “Holy Shit Balls”. She’s had him pegged for over a year. She gets visually upset if she sees his name come up in a text preview. I remember you saying you were very close with your daughter too. I wanted to give her a brother or sister very badly which is why I proceeded with my divorce when I did so I could have that time to start over with someone new. But in swept JN, and well…precious time was lost.
I grew up in OH by Cleveland. Been in IL since ’87. Very excited Cleveland Indians have gone to the playoffs, btw.
Hi Clarece, your daughter is very lucky to have you. You have come out on the other side a much stronger woman and a role model for your daughter.
First it was the Cavaliers and now the Indians! It shows there is hope for all of us. Lol😂😂😂
Thank you for sharing what is going on for you Clarece. You come across as a strong, intelligent, feisty and self-aware lady. Anyone who has experienced the dance with a narcissist will appreciate how they infiltrate our psyches like a nasty virus. I read an ex heroin addict’s story, she said that she had found it easier to get clean from such a highly addictive drug than to maintain No Contact.
My situation is a little easier I think, as I did not truly love him, it was a year’s fling with a married Somatic N. And yet I still experienced a painful withdrawal, dissociation and a complete shut down of all emotion for a time. I have battled with resisting his hoovers. Your daughter is wise beyond her years and so perceptive to pick up the effect that your interaction with JN has on you. I love her candle analogy, I think it describes these psychic vampires very well. However your flame burns brightly Clarece, and don’t you ever forget that! It may flicker, it may grow dim, but nothing will ever truly extinguish it. I know you will be aware that every time you interact with JN you fuel his flame. I pray for your inner strength to maintain No Contact, as this is the only way you will heal. It will give you the space and time to process the understandable grief, anger and pain inside of you. Every time you respond to him you are only stirring this up and prolonging your healing. Your wounds WILL heal in time. You have cut out toxic people in your life before, you can do it again. You have the self awareness to know that in this case for many reasons it is so much harder, and you have the courage to work on understanding why this is so. You will never ever get the answers or closure you need from JN, it is in his interests to keep you coming back for more crazy making interaction. You would be better off banging your head against a brick wall.
Surround yourself with people who make your flame burn brighter. Take comfort in the miracle of your wonderful daughter. Immerse yourself in activities that make you sparkle.
“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the light of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared” Buddha.
This is the case in healthy relationships. Don’t waste your precious flame on a hoover!
You are in the right place here to continue on your quest for understanding. HG is the perfect captain of your ship to steer across the emotional sea. You have the support of all the empaths on here who get what you are going through. You can always post here when you are tempted to re-engage with JN. Stay strong my lovely.
This is in reply to you but it also goes out to all others reading in a similar position.
Thank you again HG for your illuminating blog. More and more are seizing the power through gaining understanding of your kind. The opportunity for readers to interact with you and each other is incredibly valuable and healing.
You are welcome and thank you for contributing.
Thank you Rainbow! I’m deeply touched by your kind and considerate words! My daughter is my anchor in this world and I don’t ever take that for granted.
I liked the comparison to a heroin addict. At least they can have a 28-day program to try and detox. Lol
Yes very effective weapon of choice, for both. Yet for very different reasons for it’s use of it.
Now back to this wicked thunderstorm tonight to break the silence.
The silent treatment. A very effective and hurtful weapon for the narcissist. Until it becomes his/ her unexpected nemesis via a permanent No Contact.
The victim often wishes to express so much to bring closure. However No Contact is the ultimate closure. Its silence speaks volumes…This relationship is no longer worth my breath or my words.
The silence always said more then any words.
Hence its use Rhonda.
The dreaded silent treatment. I still remember the first time it was done to me. Feels like it was a test to see how I’d react.
What I am finding now is that after years of him using this as a weapon to punish me, I’m actually getting used to it and it’s losing its effectiveness. No longer am I a crying heap on the floor, but thinking ‘oh good, he’s not talking to me, peace at last’. There’s only so many times a method can be used before it starts to lose its effectiveness.
Ah silence… I remember the begging and pleading to please not leave, we can work this out. He would always tell me that he was still there and the only time I should worry is if he packed his bags and left… I learned that the silence was my friend for about 6hrs…it was my time, uninterrupted me time!
I was told the reason he would not listen to what I had to say is because nothing that came out of my mouth was important… Well, I guess it is now but now I feel the same about him.
Excellent yes !
The silent treatments brought her the most tears (FUEL) from me. I’m sure that’s why she used them so often. I recall how number 5 was used in the beginning. I was texting one of her friends and explaining how one day she wanted to be my friend and the next day she didn’t and asking for advice as to how to deal with her. He of course told her what I said. I didn’t think I said anything wrong. I got a verbal lashing and then the silent treatment. She taught me then to not say a word about any of her behaviors to anyone.
On other occasions I would spend weeks in bed crying because she wouldn’t talk to me. I begged and begged for her to stop. That’s one thing I will never do again is beg for anyone’s attention.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. At the time, it wasn’t that you were begging for attention. You were begging to communicate to resolve an issue like adults are supposed to.
You are right Clarece! Thanks❤️ I look back at all the reasoning I was trying to do with her and I was just talking for nothing.
I am thankful for his silent treatments. They were the key that enabled me to unlock the mysterious door he slammed in my mind. I was hurt and confused. Search engines led me to articles about Narcissism, which made me realize what I was dealing with.
Thank you for this blog post, Mr. Tudor & I hope Google indexes it towards the top of search results – so more and more people will find this post and will begin to understand. And can learn from you.
Thank you Hope and I entirely agree with you sentiments.
I’m glad that someone made the narcissism discovery prior to the discard phase! Sadly I did not and I was punished to an extreme. My punishments were hidden, not to be discovered until post discard. After a year I am just now discovering some of the punishments he had planned for me just recently. It’s terrifying. But I’m still unclear what exactly I was being punished for. The more I learn the more fearful I am of him.
I would never tell anyone what a Sociopath, and I, discussed together because I know the punishment would be more than I could handle. A Greater Narcissist is much different than a Lesser Narcissist. ..(nothing personal against the Lesser Narcissist, of course)..
A bit of generalization I feel…
Oh yes Your silence and then excuses. .. that’s the way it is, isn’t it? X