A Brief Period of Rejoicing

 

 

The period of devaluation will feel like an ongoing onslaught against you as the various methods of manipulation are deployed against you. We know that is cannot be an unending assault, for no matter how tempting it may be to keep exacting the negative fuel from you as a consequence of your tears, fear, frustration and anger, there is only so much that you can sustain before you decide that enough is enough and you depart. Bringing about such a swift cessation of our primary source of fuel is contrary to our needs and therefore the abusive regime must be rationed in order to provide for the maximum return. Furthermore, if we were to maintain a permanent state of abuse then we would also bring about your failure to function as a reliable appliance. Either you would break under the onslaught or you would eventually become de-sensitised too it and no matter how hard we tried to up the ante, it just would not have the same effect. Whether broken or de-sensitised such a condition results in the interruption to our fuel supply and that is of the paramount importance.

To avoid this happening we will provide various periods of respite during the devaluation phase. This creates the push and pull factor that you become so familiar with. This is what creates the sensation of being strapped to a rollercoaster with no capacity to control its direction or speed. You will be subjected to a silent treatment out of nowhere. One moment you will be relaxing on a Sunday afternoon after a pleasant lunch and then you ask us an innocent question. There is no answer. You ask again in case we have not heard but we remain reading the newspaper. You ask a third time and we fold down a section of the newspaper so that we may peer at you from behind it as that ice-cold glare forms. You are immediately taken aback and your look of hurt and confusion provides the fuel as you ask us what is the matter. Silence. You ask again. Silence. You get up and come over to us and keep asking what is wrong, what is it that you have said, please will we talk to you. More silence. You replay the day so far, in your mind and then you engage in asking us whether when you did this was that what has upset us? Or perhaps when you said something else, is this what has brought this silence on? We of course give you now clues, we provide no answers and your anxiety increases. You move away, desperate to know what it is that has caused the sudden silence but you are wary of irritating us further. You fix us a drink but it is left untouched and then when you next return to the living room we have vanished. You call out through the house and search through it but we cannot be found. Our car has gone from the driveway and you ring our mobile ‘phone. It rings but there is no answer. You keep trying and you also send text messages but there comes no response. This lasts a day, three days or even more and throughout this your anxiety and worry has heightened. All the while we know precisely how you will be reacting and we also see the calls, the texts and we are told by friends that you have been in contact with them worried sick. It all provides fuel.

We then walk back into the house as if nothing has happened and smile at you. We see the relief flood across you and the tears of joy welling in your eyes as yet more fuel comes our way. We hold our arms out and like the child being granted access again to a once angry parent you dart into them, the surge of emotion rippling across you as you feel relieved, delighted and happy. This cessation of the silent treatment, or another form of abusive manipulation that we will deploy during the devaluation stage does not end there. We take it further. We reinstate the golden period so that not only are you so relieved that the horrible silent treatment has ended you become elated that this wonderful period has returned. We treat you like we did during the seduction, telling you how much we love you, we buy you a gift, we help out around the house and arrange to take you somewhere special for dinner. That night we take you to be and make love to you in that delicious way once again and you sleep soundly, feeling safe and secure once again. You give yourself a pat on the back for having endured the difficult period of our silent treatment because it has been worth it in the end. The golden period has come back. You gently scold yourself for having even been worried and rationalise that we obviously needed some space or it was a reaction to being under considerable stress at work. You may have asked us about why we disappeared and you will not have received the truth. You will have been give plausible platitudes such as

“I’ve a lot on my mind and I need room to think.”

“I had to get out before something terrible happened between us.”

“I need some space to breathe, things have been intense as of late.”

These are just excuses that we know you will accept because you are the forgiving type and besides, we are back and the golden period is as well, so you do not want to do anything to jeopardise that by subjecting us to some kind of inquisition. Indeed, there are times, despite your need to know, that you decide it is better to ask nothing and instead revel in the fact that we have come back. We will act as if nothing has happened and you are content to accept that. Peace is so much more enjoyable than war and what a golden peace it is too.

Whether it is the silent treatment, shouting at you, criticising you, intimidating you, messing about with other women or men or all of them, we will call a halt (and there is no logic as to when this will happen so do not think you can see a sign that it is about to change) when we see fit and end the awful treatment by providing you with respite.

This respite prevents you from upping sticks. It prevents you from failing to function. It maintains our source of fuel. This respite provides the contrast so that the positive fuel arising from your joy, delight and relief is powerful indeed. It also provides the contrast for when the devaluation will commence again and it will, so that the negative fuel that flows takes on renewed potency.

Moreover, this acts of kindness which are scattered throughout the devaluation period as a whole act to bind you to us. You feel relief. You also know, when the abuse begins again, that if you hang in there and try to work things out, the golden period will come back once again, you just have to wait and keep working hard to recover it. You are duped into thinking that its restitution is as a consequence of your clingability and something you have done to please us. It is not. You may as well roll a die and the number will equate to the number of weeks of abuse that you will endure before we switch and provide you with respite. Just like the terrorist who takes civilians hostage and frightens and beats them, he will show an act of kindness by allowing the captive to shower or make a call to a relative. The captive then feels warmth towards their captor, despite what they are doing to the captive overall and this engenders hope that another small act of kindness will be exhibited if the captor is kept onside. You are captive to our narcissistic wiles and just like a hostage you will await these moments of tenderness, kindness and the return of the golden period. You will do what you can to keep us onside so that they can return because we have imbued you with the hope that the golden period will return. Thus you remain bound to us and this will allow us to continue the extraction of fuel. This has to happen for the contrast is required to allow the devaluation to be protracted and to continue to provide the fuel.

You are duped into believing that you can influence us to cause the restoration of the golden period and keep it in place. You cannot. You may as well roll a die and the number that comes up will be the number of weeks that you will endure the particular abusive manipulation or manipulations before we suddenly switch back to a period of respite and the golden period.

You will rejoice when this golden period returns and you are given respite. The reality is that it will only ever be a brief period of rejoicing.

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57 thoughts on “A Brief Period of Rejoicing”

  1. Thank you HG. You have helped me understand so much. I always knew something wasn’t right but he was in such a bad place when I met him. I really was naive enough to think time would help. Now I know time gave him everything he needed.

  2. This is my current state. We have not spoken in a month. So when Ns vanish for these respite periods is it always with new supply? Then they give them the silent treatment and start to Hoover? Where do the secondary sources of supply fit in? In terms of intimate partners not family or friends. My ex tends to have neither friends nor family. He is very much a loner for what I have been privy to. He is a charmer though. It seems so exhausting to live this life. As he often was exhausted but when he seduced me he had the stamina;) he always surprised me.

    1. There are several potential scenarios in the instance you have described:-
      1. The narcissist may be ping-ponging between two people using one as a primary source and the switching to the other person who becomes the primary source and then back again;
      2. During the silent treatment the narcissist is relying on secondary and tertiary sources as well as any fuel gained from the primary source during the silent period; or
      3. The narcissist is cultivating a secondary source who will become the primary source and eventually the discard will happen.

  3. I agree I wish it had continue, might have if I hadnt done what I did. SMH in reality I kept a secert from him of my past and sadly I reacted to something he said, it was the tone, caused the nightmares to come back. I do know whats done is done. I cant change things.
    Thank you again HG. If I had come across you sooner maybe things would be different, yet with what I believe, we were not meant to stay together, I do hope him and who he is with works, she loves him very much, I suspect she knows, they can work the details out, its none of my business. I have my thoughts on narcissist/ empaths for me it holds many answers to things.

  4. I am curious HG the golden period how long does it last usually? I was with him for three years and all was amazing, we didnt see other every day yet was in contact all the time. It was in the last two months when he finally started to convence me to move in, that when he started talking about controling his environment, and other things.

    1. There is not set rule to how long it lasts but in the main it tends to be somewhere ranging from months just over a year, in my experience. It may well be longer in certain instances but these are rare.

      1. Because the primary source appliance malfunctions. It stops providing the fuel in the quantity, with the frequency and potency that is required.

      2. Indeed. Who could possibly keep up such a demand. People do get sick; life happens 🙁 Yet, some can last in 25 yr relationship, and others 6 months…

  5. I would have said “look what the cat dragged in” when you came home. I guess I am not a very good fuel source.
    In my 20’s my then BF went out after work and I could not find him but when he walked through the door, well let us put it this way, he never did it again. I chuckle now as I recall. I grabbed him and broke his glasses and destroyed his clothes and shoes he had on. I had to otherwise I would have hit him.
    I was waiting for him to take the first step inside and then I attacked. I was a very crazy bitch.
    His name was Von. Poor guy.
    All this before my kids when it was all about me.

  6. HG,
    you may as well be writing my story to a T!! Seriously! Please explain to me how this can be? Is this all done totally on purpose? How does someone with NPD know to do these things or does it come naturally? My ex was in the Marines briefly, so I had thought he had learned some of these tactics that he was using on me from them, but what you are describing is exactly how things were. He always told me he had a plan for me… what that was exactly, I am afraid to know. At the end he did admit some things to me. We separated and when he was dating about 3 women (that I know of) and one in particular that he recycled, he told me “I can manipulate you and I can manipulate her! He actually giggled about it! He asked me to take him back after he got the current gf pregnant, when I said no, he asked if I wanted to be the babies Aunt! We just divorced 4 months ago… I asked him if he was going to marry this girl and he told me that he didn’t want to, due to the future women! I am sure he knows what he is… he has had lots of therapy. I just didn’t realize the pattern was so common. Thank you for sharing your stories and advice. It really helps me to recover from all I went through, it was truly devastating. I hope writing is helping you as well. Could you possibly explain where these behaviors originate from please?

    1. Hello Kim, thank you for your post. It all depends on the type of narcissist. The Lesser is operates through instinct. The Mid-Range is mainly instinct with some calculation. The Greater has a degree of instinct and a lot of planning and calculation. I am pleased that you are finding the writing useful. in your situation you sound like you were involved with an Upper Mid-Range given the degree of awareness and calculation (a Greater would not admit it you even though he was calculating etc.)
      In terms of the behaviours do you mean with your ex, with me or with our kind as a whole?

      1. Hello HG,
        thank you for your response. I realize people are all different and are at different ends of the spectrum… I agree with you about the mid-range level my ex may be. I am lucky to have met him when he was 25 and were married through his age of 35. I believe he will become better at his manipulations as he ages. He has been in mental hospitals several times. I thought he was BPD at first… The domestic violence people told me he was possibly sociopath… oddly, I see more sociopath now that I am divorced. I had his parents read on BPD and they just said no, they didn’t think it was that. I think they know, but don’t tell anyone. He would say odd things under his breath allot during the relationship, but it wasn’t until after we seperated when he did this “tell all” (and I doubt it was all) and I saw very clearly what he was doing. I took classes through NAMI and he was very nervous of what I would find out. Once he said to me, “I am a psychopath”… He called himself an “evil devil”. When I tell you that you are explaining how our relationship went, I am serous. He is a pathological liar and I just got to the point where I just put my head in the sand over most of what he said. Major gas-lighting. His Mother said she doesn’t believe a thing he says. I have started to write my own story and I had to stop and make an outline because it is hard to remember exactly what happened and in what order. It is very cathartic for me as I hope you are finding as well. I suppose now I look at it and think, what the heck were you doing?? But I also know I had just come out of a very loveless, bad relationship and the love-bombing was what I craved. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I just joke to my friends that I may have a great lifetime movie here, lol Sad thing is that this was real to me and I took my marriage serious. That’s why I put up with all of the behaviors you outline. His Mother and I said we wished he could just keep being the good side of him. He worked himself up in his career while with me and then totally lowered his standards with the women and current supply. He is no longer the corporate conservative type (that he grew up in) he is now pretending to be a redneck… It is really strange. He lost his job due to them finding out all of his lies, womanizing and intimidating co-workers.He is only working part-time now as I think he is setting himself up to not have to pay much child support when he dumps her… yes, I think he has it all planned out. I am still dealing with him, due to constant court battles. He keeps trying to get out of paying me money he promised to pay me, when I was smart and got to a lawyer while he was still trying to decide which woman he wanted. Finding a woman in your bed on Christmas is not the present you want!! So, that’s another reason to understand what this was all about- I am still dealing with him. He is still trying to play on my sympathy, but I told him that I now know what he is and I would not be playing games with him any more. I hope it wasn’t a mistake to tell him that I know. I suspect he will move away and disappear and I will be out of luck one day anyway. I know if I really wanted to I could (temporarily) get him back, due to financial reasons. Except that he has this baby now that he said he didn’t want… it even says that on his dating profile, lol He is getting major supply from the baby… Sorry for the long story here, but I am interested in if you have any thoughts on his behaviors and then basically as a whole. You said they do these things instinctivly … that’s amazing to me. I am so afraid of people now that even if a woman that I could have a friendship with tells me that we have things in common, I tend to withdraw. I hope one day I can balance myself out. I think being overly charming and coming on too strong in the beginning is the best way to spot them, do you agree? I have been attracted to narcissistic people throughout my life oddly I have found that I like the quick wit, confidence and self awareness they seem to have. If you have any thoughts on my story, please let me know. I do not want to ever go through this again! My ex was a cutter (that’s why I though BPD) when he wanted attention and he was physically abusive at the very end. Thats why he said we had to part- too much had happened. Of course he said he didn’t think therapy helped him… now I know why. He does want me to believe that he is the perfect guy now, that it was all me. He is so soft spoken and kind, you would never know. It comes out eventually!
        Love your books!! I am currently going through them all one by one. I read a few awhile back, but as I have become more aware, I want to re-read them. They are very well done! Thanks for the input! Kim

      2. Hello Kim, thank you for your message. Firstly, thank you for reading the books, I hope you continue to find them helpful. Your experience reads like a typical sojourn through the experience of being entangled by our kind. You were ripe for the ensnarement, he did so and love-bombed you, taking you in so readily before unleashing the familiar forms of manipulation. You appear to have achieved validation from other parties such as his mother and it is interesting how they have seen through his behaviour and that they are not part of his facade. Does he have anything to do with his family. He exhibits the chaotic elements where he has failed to hold down jobs owing to his impulsive behaviours.You could use your experience as an exercise in ticking off the narcissistic behaviours and outcomes. From what you have described of him I suspect he may well be psychopathic as opposed to sociopathic because of the lack of control he exhibits and the impulsive behaviours. Did he have any criminal episodes? Reliance on drink and drugs?

      3. Yes to alcohol, drugs, porn and prescription drugs… yes, to criminal behavior. What did you mean by, “You could use your experience as an exercise in ticking off the narcissistic behaviours and outcomes.?”

      4. I thought as much. I mean that he exhibited so many of those behaviours and outcomes, one could tick each one as one read through your post.

      5. Yes, you are right on that one! … To answer your other question; His family lives a thousand miles away. His Father tries and has faith he will get better. His Mother has spells of not talking to him when she is mad… she doesn’t trust him either. She is very sad having a son like this. His Sister didn’t have much to do with me… figured I wouldn’t be around long term, I suppose. She doesn’t talk to him much. I think they all have minimal contact, get very nervous when he is visiting (as does he) and as his mother said, “she doesn’t know what he is capable of”… They can’t deal with his problems. They seem to think if he quit drinking, he would be better. I saw the person he was when he stopped briefly. It didn’t change, very abusive and evil. Just not as self sabotaging. He seems to do everything to get their approval. He just goes about it all wrong. It’s really sad. It like he thought by marrying me, buying a nice house and having a good job, they would approve… but he kept doing bad things and lost all of that. Then he went off and had a baby because they are all happy his sister just had one, but I am sure getting a married woman pregnant while he was married, is not getting the response he wanted ; ) Forget that I found a woman in my bed on Xmas and that wasn’t the same pregnant girlfriend! He is a mess!
        Do your parents know about you?

  7. Stop me, he had me convinced the loss of the golden period was all my fault. I remember telling him I just wanted things to go back to the way it was, and he replied then do it.

  8. You know HG i actually did look around to see if a gourgous man was sitting nearby yet a man with your talents wouldnt be seen unless wanted to be

    1. Rhonda, your words are so true…. ‘they wouldn’t be seen unless they wanted to be’. The ones with the greater intellect have that gift.

  9. This is true only a glimpse of the golden period. I fought so hard to get it back deep down inside knowing I never would. My education on this behavior has worked wonders HG… Keep writing, I will keep reading. Thanks

  10. When I moved in with my IP, He would hear me fight and scream and argue with my mother. I did this same thing in my relationships with men or girlfriends. Maybe an hour, hours, day or two passed and I would speak with them like nothing happened. My IP was amazed by this. I thought it perfectly normal as my mother and father did it to each other and to me. I thought everybody just flipped out and got over it. What happened happened. We said what we said, hurtful but released and then moved on. The emotion got out. Keep in mind though everything eacj party said would be remembered and used against said party at a later date. Now I read this post. Now I have to rethink my life. Thanks Mr. Tudor for the homework.

  11. I fell the ……out of my chair when i read the comments, of all songs HG, ROTFL
    It was playing at that very moment.
    Timing such timing with you.

  12. I was looking for a relevant place to post this question, but I will ask here. Thank you, HG Tudor, for your time that you might provide in answering it for me:

    Why is it said that if any relationship with a Narcissist might work, it might possibly do so with a Narcissist and a BPD? Does this include a Sociopath, as well as a Narcissist? I have been curious about this for about a year, or so.

  13. To me, looking back it was like being drowned in water only to be recessated and happy to breath again only to be plunged back into the water to be drowned again. Pure torture! When I first got brutally discarded and left reeling on the floor I had felt as if my soul had been raped. I got back up again and even through the hoovering emails to come get my expensive things that I left at his house repeatedly came I ignored them! He didn’t care if I got my things back… None of my friends understood that and I didn’t care. I felt
    Like it was my stuff or my soul! I knew ignoring him was the only revenge I would get! Besides, I wouldn’t have put it past him to set me up and call the police. He used to wake me up and tell me I had gone so crazy in the middle of the night he almost called the police I was so out of control. I don’t drink … Ever… as I have way to much to lose if I did! He could have left with the new supply and left me alone but now I know the splashing her social media was my punishment for never coming back and being he second string player! He thought I would come back… I know he counted on it!

      1. Every rose has its thorn,
        And yonder is a coffin
        That purple flowers do adorn.

        Soft, furry wolves bear bloody fangs,
        and well-fed princes
        suffer other types of hunger pangs.

      2. Lmao!!! Poison anyone?

        I would rather be the thorn than the rose. Thorns don’t die.

  14. HG I can not count the times you make my heart just stop, breathing come in gasp, and tears, darn tears, you so would have had me in so much trouble ;). Actually that thought hmmm never mind.
    Silence says so much and is so binding. I remember how the darkness would slowly wrap around me, even in the golden period. I find it interesting, cause i invite it.
    Conditioning. I see I was conditioned for your kind.

  15. That’s sounds like so much work and effort just to gain emotional fuel and make someone hurt . That’s time out of your precious life you are using just to hurt and emotionally torture someone . It just doesn’t make sense to me . I don’t think I will ever understand . Do you need people’s reaction and emotion because it is something you do not have and in a way it’s like you are experiencing the emotion as well or are you’ll fascinated and curious by others emotions you pick at them and study them because they are so foreign to you ? And even once you gain your fuel what is left ? How can provoking emotional reactions especially negative ones give you so much satisfaction and pleasure ? Surely you weren’t born wanting to emotionally provoke people . It had to have developed over time . Mr Tudor I think it’s safe to say I’m losing my mind trying to understand yours and my exs .

    1. We need the fuel because that is the way that we are. There is an emotional void inside of us. That does not mean we don’t have emotions (we do but fewer than others) but that there is a sense of emptiness which the provision of fuel from others fills up and makes us feel powerful. It is not so much that I need to experience someone else’s emotion, for example, I feel hatred therefore if someone is hateful towards me, I do not need to experience the emotion of hatred, I know it, but I want their hatred because it is fuel. I need to feel power and I need to feel less empty. Fuel is the way it happens, I am not entirely sure why it is, but fuel is what we want. It could have sweets, it could have been tiny wrapping paper but it is not, it is fuel and the provision of fuel makes us feel less empty, powerful and thus assists us in functioning.

      1. My ex told he he had a void as well . I tried to fill it with my love . It didn’t work

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