The 5 Hatreds of the Narcissist
The loss of our precious fuel weakens us. Criticism, when delivered in an emotion-free fashion wounds us and we need fuel to recover from such injurious criticism. If that fuel is not available or is reduced then we are placed in a perilous state which causes panic,chaos and a frenzied reaction to avoid this. Many things may send us to this place, a place which I call The Precipice. Here are five things we hate as they will start the slide towards The Precipice.
- Not Being Invited
Our massive sense of entitlement means that we should always be invited to events. Whether it is a birthday, retirement party, wedding or graduation we should be invited to attend. How can the host not want us there? We are the star of the show, the main attraction, the reason to be there. People are not there for the birthday boy, they want to see us. They are not really bothered about the happy couple, they prefer to be entertained by us and our tales of achievement or for us to exhibit our superlative dance steps during the reception. An event is not an event without us in attendance. We are the archetypal life and soul of the party. Fireworks fly when we appear, stardust is thrown liberally around and we turn the volume up to eleven. We cannot comprehend why we should not be invited when we bring so much to the party. This deprives us of a huge opportunity to extract fuel from so many people when emotion will be electrifying the air. It is akin to shooting a fish in the barrel and we have not been invited. This not only takes away a golden chance to consume fuel but it also suggests that we are not wanted, that somehow we do not pass muster to attend this event. That is nonsensical and as such is a massive criticism to us. How dare they not invite us? It is our right to be there. That is our audience, our crown, our delighted guests, not somebody else’s. We hate not being invited. So that’s why we will turn up anyway and act as if we were first on the guest list.
- Coming Second
We are born winners, pioneers, leaders and champions. Number one is all that matters. That is where the adoration is directed. That is why the winner’s podium is higher than the other two. That is why the winner gets the jackpot, the applause, the admiration and the plaudits. They all belong to us. We are destined to win and being the champion is our rightful place. Nobody wants silver. Who wants to be the runner-up? That means failure. That means somebody else has bettered you. That means someone else is going to get all the attention. Second is pointless. Second is redundant. I don’t want commiseration and empty praise for having come so close, I want to win. If I am second then I am regarded as inferior, not of the elevated state I know I am but that I need others to accept and reinforce. Coming second encapsulates all that is associated with the outcome which makes you who you are and is not something that should ever be rightfully associated with me. I hate to come second. I want to win. At everything and all the time, from being first in the queue, first to be served, the biggest biller, the biggest seller, the one with the best car, the one people always greet first, the one who wins the argument and I will do all of this at any cost to you and in any twisted and convoluted way which avoids the horror of being second.
- The Spotlight Shining Elsewhere
Why are you listening to him and not me? He is an idiot and he knows nothing. Listen to me. I am far more interesting. Anything he has done I have done already and then some more as well. He has a forehead? Yes well have you seen my five head? Don’t pay attention to other people, pay attention to me. The spotlight has to be on me all the time. I live my life as if I am starring in a movie with my personal soundtrack echoing in my ears as I move through my day. From the moment I rise from my bed all eyes need to be on me, watching me, admiring me and giving me attention. No matter what I am doing it needs to be seen by someone and the more people the better as their viewing is accompanied by their praise, admiration, hatred or anger. It does not matter what the emotion is that accompanies their attention so long as it is on me. Send that attention elsewhere and I am being told I am not important and even worse, someone else is more important than me. That is not right. That cannot be the case. How can you think that that person is more entertaining, better looking, more captivating than me? Train the spotlight elsewhere and you are telling me I am not good enough and I know I am. Aren’t I?
- Not Given Recognition
My arrival anywhere should be accompanied by a fanfare. I should be announced wherever I go. People should bow in acceptance of my greatness, kow-tow to my gravitas, salute, kiss my hand, go down on their knees and do whatever else is required to exhibit subservience to me. I must be given due accord because do you know who I am? I must always be mentioned in dispatches. I must always be referred to during a meeting. I must be pointed out, identified and highlighted in keeping with my superior status. I cannot stand it when I am not given my right to be recognised. I have that as a God-given right and you had better comply with your obligation to recognise me and all my amazing achievements.
- Being Alone For Too Long
People often think that my kind hate to be alone. That is not quite accurate. We can be content to be alone for a period of time when we are receiving significant fuel. There is always room, of course, for more fuel, but when we have received copious amounts then we are content to be left alone so we can revel in our own manufactured glory and turn our mind to our next conquest. This alone time allows us to plot, scheme and plan. When I mean alone, I mean away from people physically but also not in contact with them through technology. Complete isolation. If we have taken on board enough fuel we can endure it for a time. Therein lies the important part. For a time.
If we are left alone for too long and the effect of the fuel diminishes then we become restless, then anxious and then thrown into the panic as we edge towards The Precipice. Being left alone for too long means that people must not be interested in us anymore otherwise why are we alone? They do not want to contact us, interact with us, pour their praise towards us, make us feel wanted, hated, loved or adored. Their interest must be elsewhere if we have been left alone for too long and this is not something we can stand. We are being ignored, ostracised and excluded. We need people. We need attention. We need you. Please. Did you hear me? I said we need you. Open the door and let me out now. I need attention, any attention, from someone it does not matter who, just don’t leave me alone for too long.
38 thoughts on “The 5 Hatreds of the Narcissist”
Thanks to this post I know now what the hell was wrong with Captain Narc at new years eve.
Everything was (apperently) awesome until we went home. Boy, that dude unleashed his devil toward me. I thought he would murder me!
We went to the local pub where he made some friendship with the bartenders. The bartenders politelly said that I am a beautiful young lady and we fit perfectly together. Also they were very kind to me all the time, asking if I was doing good and feeling welcome. At this point he was already dead drunk! He has a massive alcohol problem!
As soon as my narc and I left the pub, He insulted me like never before. He punched the walls of the central station, called me names, yelled at me I am a [put another name for a prostitute here] in front of other people on the central station which was full at the time.
I sat there, starring at the floor, praying for not being recognized from anyone I know.
It doesnt end at this point. He pushed it further including pushing me and slapping me.
I asked him: why, baby? What is it? What went wrong? (I know I was pittyfull at the moment but I didnt knew better. Again, Thank you so much Mister Tudor). He said nothing!!!! No explanation!
But He cried a lot, his lips were blue and He was shaking and begged me to leave him before it gets worse. Also He said that He would crush me soon or later and I must leave since He wants me to be happy and I didnt deserve this. IMHO He cried because He was ashamed of what He is cappable of. Not because he made me suffer!
We broke up. He hoovered me for 3 weeks but I didnt come Back.. not this time!
As I didnt come back it was suddendly all my fault.
I made him do it (he didnt say why), I am the devil in desguise, I am the only problem, I have nothing but my looks and I am empty inside. (Massive projection, which I didnt realise at the moment.)
Oh, I almost forget to mention that He said I am useless. (Of course I am since I didnt provide him fuel as he tried to hoover me back in the relationship)
At least I know now that He was envious of me because his friends gave me some attention.
Its so sad that He wasnt able to recognise that his friends were nice to me because of him. They wanted me to feel welcome and loved because they thought he loved me. Poor guy! Its really, really sad!
I feel like I am talking to my self right now. But it doenst matter. If someone happens to read my post, you should consider that it is not your fault.
The narc will find a way to hurt you. If You are pretty, they will flatter you by saying you are pretty but nothing more. If you are intelligent, they will say you are arrogant, nothing more, nothing less.
If you have a good family, He will point out that its too good to be true and you should consider some perverse things going on behind the scenes (just to make you guess if there is something wrong).
If you have a good job, He will ask if you slept with your boss.
My Captain Narc asked (like if it was a normal question) if I slept with my cousin because he thought our relationship is too friendly and close! LOL
HG, I read somewhere here that you will be writing about borderlines ensnared by narcissists. Please feel free to email me if you would like to know about my experience. Due to space considerations, I did not write my entire story here. It’s very involved. But I would be happy to tell you more. I would be thrilled if I saw some of it in your writings. Of course I would want to remain anonymous. You are doing a tremendous service to victims. Thank you.
Hello PTSD, yes I will be writing about this. If you wish to share your experience with me, feel free to do so at firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for your kind words.
Can you expand on that KDay?
Oh HG I feel honored that I received a reply from you. I’m basking in glory 😊
I read ‘Revenge’ and ‘Fuel’ and cannot wait to read ‘Chained: the Narcissist’s Co-Dependent’ because unfortunately I’m borderline and co-dependent. After reading ‘Revenge’ in which you described in detail the narcissist mentality to preface, I felt so sad for my narc that I decided not to proceed with revenge. It is not his fault he is like this. It is a mental disorder and result of childhood trauma.
Thanks to your books and your blog, I am no longer suicidal. I owe you my life HG! 😌
Your expertise and the methodology in which you explain the narcissist mindset has helped more than 2 years of counselling sessions have. I finally have answers for why he used to seduce, then give me silence, over and over again. I no longer feel like the crazy one that is unlovable.
I alerted these people to an online porn site that contains his profile. I exposed him to 2 members of his immediate family, 2 members of his extended family, and 2 of his ‘girlfriends’ who he used to triangulate me with. In fact, one of the gf’s was shocked I thought she was his gf because she said he was nothing more than a friend and that she already has a boyfriend. I guess he lied there too. The extended family members said he is a disgrace. The immediate family was looking for excuses for his behavior. One gf was extremely angry, and the other one seemed not to care since she says they are just friends. He says he doesn’t talk to anyone much these days and wants to live in the mountains somewhere. The other day I texted him to know how he’s feeling and he replied ‘you should just let me go, I’m a failure’. Was this a discard HG? (By the way, this is post hoover.)
After half hour, he texted me ‘I’m really sorry it’s just that it’s hard to live like this. I don’t see myself in the mirror anymore.’ Why is he apologizing when narcs don’t have remorse?
He was abusing me for about 2 yrs before this (1st year was the golden period) and I had become suicidal whenever he was not around (which was often), but I still feel bad for him. Abuse amnesia perhaps.
He says he walks without a sense of direction and he feels like getting hit by a bus. I am worried about him😔
HG would you be able to find time to write a book about the precipice? I would be interested to know more.
Hello PTSD, thank you for reading. Yes, Revenge is not for everybody. Certainly everyone should read it as it provides a greater understanding of what matters to my kind, but it is not for everyone to implement, this might be, as in your case, you do not deem it appropriate or in others because they lack the capability to do so and are better served following an alternative route.
I read with considerable gratification the impact my writing has had on you and I appreciate you telling me this and it is pleasing to note how you have embraced the philosophy of my work and harnessed it for your own greater good. I know that nearly all who interact here adopt a constructive mentality and they indeed benefit from doing so, yours is considerable testimony in that regard. The occasional Cassandra that appears here invariably founds the accusations and brickbats on either a misunderstanding or more often a complete failure to understand owing to their entrenched views, which actually says more about them than it does about me. The vast majority however use this resource to assist themselves and why not, there is nothing else like it nor so effective.
His response to you was a pity play hoover based on his reduced fuel levels and the repeated assaults he has suffered as a consequence of your successful exposures. He was hoping to receive a sympathetic reply when looked at from EmpSpeak as he wanted you to feel sorry for him. In NarcSpeak what he was actually saying when he texted you was
” You are causing me pain, stop it, you are making me feel like a failure and you are making me look like a failure when I am not, but right now I am struggling to counter what you are doing.”
As for his second message, we are able to use the word ‘sorry’ repeatedly, but do understand there is no genuine remorse behind its use. It is a word and thus is to be used for our purposes. His second comment in NarcSpeak meant this
” I am feeling sorry for myself and you are making my life hard when it should not be like this. I do not feel powerful when I should feel powerful and this I your fault so I want you to do something about it.”
You feel bad for him because of your empathic nature. I would not be concerned for him. He is just trying to milk you for sympathetic fuel. Our kind rarely commits suicide. He will camp on to another fuel source and then lash at you instead, so be prepared for that.
With regard to the precipice that is included in the book The Creature which is in progress. Thankyou for reading.
Wow ….that’s me to a T. Amazing. Seriously . Great job !
My narc (not sure if he’s a lesser or a mid-range) hoovered me for 2 wks, then i did a smear campaign against him, exposed him to a few important people in his life for who he is, and i believe he went into a precipice out of shame. I finally texted him back after a few weeks of no contact asking why he hurt me. He replied that he never wanted to hurt me, n we engaged in a 2 hr long text session w so many questions from my side regarding his online profiles which I happened to find out about. He said he doesn’t like exposing himself to anyone, but now he can’t look those people in the eye that know about his behaviors, so he’s not talking to anyone these days. I was not satisfied with his answers, so after that i discarded HIM! I insulted him n texted to never contact me again n blocked HIM! Several days later, I unblocked him n texted ‘i didn’t deserve to be hurt’ (i am borderline so i panic when faced with abandonment, so I broke no contact) n he replied ‘please leave me alone i cannot take much more of this.’ I am wondering why he asked to be left alone when they hate being alone while low on fuel?
Thank you so much HG. You are helping me to understand my narc’s behavior, which is relieving my ptsd somewhat.
Hi, he sounds like a mid-ranger to me.
His declaration of “please leave me alone” was made for two reasons. One as a pity play in the hope of garnering some sympathy fuel from you, but also to ask you to stop his exposure because it was wounding him because it amounted to criticism.
You are welcome. It is interesting how you proceeded in this matter and had such an impact on him. What was the response of the people who you exposed him to and what did you say to them/show them?
…and alone he deserves to be, DC.
At least yours picks up real women. Mine has “skype sex” with random online strangers and chews the feet off of naked Barbie dolls…
Twinkletoes your stories are so funny.., tell me if you write a book about Tubby. I will be the first buyer no matter the price ..
If all happened for real… I still struggle to believe but I do believe you .
I love TT stories on Tubby. >
Eish… chews off the feet of naked barbie dolls? Does he do this while enjoying skype sex?
I would love to witness #5 for myself. I imagine it would come in the form of a call from psycho the next time Tubster visits the psych ward.
Well, he could go #5 like my ex-husband… just go to strip clubs and pick up girls who are about 3 years older than his oldest daughter… lmao I guess he thought his daughters would think it was cool… until he was hitting on their friends.
He is still alone… but sufficiently getting his fuel… trying for mine again. I never move backwards…
This is so sad..
How is Your matrinarc ageing affecting her narcissistic abilities may I ask?
With Your confidence I am very sure ageing won’t affect You dear G. But have You ever wondered what is the last thing You’d like from someone to do for You before You give away Your last breath? Xxx
She is just as bad as ever, there is no diminution in her capacity or capability.
That is a good question.I shall have to think on it. Leave that with me and remind me if I have not answered you.
By all means I will xxx thank You for the reply.
You are welcome.
Just so I know… when shall I remind You?
IN a week’s time.
I’m just tertiary but here just the same.
That’s not so bad…imagine MatriNarc…it’s much worse…I assure you!
Reblogged this on MARSHALL W THOMPSON, SR and commented:
ONE OF MY ” HUCKLEBERRIES “
I’ve met several people like you. I’m not sure if I should be afraid of how many people are like this or if I’m simply an unlucky soul to have stumbled into the paths of so many personally.
Does this picture represent how you feel? I never want to upset you. Honest.
To feel unwanted is awful and very tramatic. Leaves scars no one sees.
The end made my heart race, throat close up and tears to form in my eyes, so many out there that feel this way. Some hide it in ways only few will truely see.
Your not unwanted at all. Don’t ever think that.
He doesn’t ‘want’ anyone. Only what they can do for him and how they can make him look.
I see him.
Yes. All of him.
Dissolving before my eyes.
I know exactly what to do now.
Ignore, Block, Change Phone Numbers.
Done. Done. Done.
Delores… I admire your strength… Im not there yet but I will be. Great Annie Lennox tune to listen to “ERASED” for me says everything!
Begging isn’t very becoming of you HG.
You know you will never be alone due to your charm… But eventually you will have to give in to one of your intimate partners… Eventually looks fade… Then what will you have?
I will only become more distinguished. I can see that ahead of me.
I have my charm, my wit, my intelligence and my legacy. I have seen the effect on others and I am prepared. I have nothing to fear with the advancement of age.
I do like your confidence. If you can keep that mind set imagine everything else you can do. You are in control of your own life.. and that monster lurking and locked away inside.
If a lower narc does not have a way to collect significant fuel they will hit the bed in a fetal position. How long can a narc stay in this state without any means for fuel. Would they then turn to drugs and alcohol to drown the mind?
Thanks SII. Yes a Lesser Narcissist (especially if he or she is from the Victim Cadre) would hid the bed in a foetal position, just wanting to curl up and hope the pain that arises from the low fuel levels (and potentially having been wounded) will go away. He would risk slumping into a depression, listlessness, almost a stupor without further fuel being provided and crutches such as drugs and alcohol would indeed by tempting to an individual in such a state. They would try to gain some fuel, probably through waiting for some person to take pity on them or to reach out to somebody via text or telephone to gain some drop of fuel and then use it to gain more fuel thereafter.
HG, would a Mid-Ranger react to low fuel levels in a similar way? Can they lose touch with reality if they are in desperate shortage? Have you ever witnessed the effects of very low fuel levels on a member of your kind, if so what did you observe?
I am very interested in how your kind experience shame and what sort of situations would trigger this. Where in your writing can I find out about this in detail?
Thank you for sharing your expertise and brilliance through your writing. I am fascinated with this subject and hooked on reading your blog and books. Initially it was to gain understanding for my own healing, now thanks to you I am stronger and wiser and I am still reading your work for my enjoyment and continuing education.
Hello Rainbow, yes a Mid-Ranger is susceptible to reacting to low fuel levels in a similar way and thus is at risk of losing touch with reality. The risk is perhaps greater for the Mid-Ranger as they tend to use withdrawal and silent treatments as manipulations and would be prone to the effects of isolation if they are wounded and unable to garner fuel form other sources. I witnessed the situation with my Uncle Robert which I have addressed in an earlier comment to somebody asking about this.
If you want to read more about the nature and effects of shame in our kid the best place to do so is in my book Your Fault.
Thank you for reading. I am pleased that you find the subject fascinating and that my work is of interest and use to you.