Ask Again

Ask 2: The Narcissist Answers by [Tudor, H G]

Fifty questions posed by those who have been subjected to the clutches of various narcissists. Fifty answers from the narcissistic sociopathic mind of H G Tudor.
Fifty insights.
Fifty enlightenments.
Fifty reasons to read this fascinating material

US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01JGO6OJG

UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01JGO6OJG

CAN https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B01JGO6OJG

AUS https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B01JGO6OJG

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13 thoughts on “Ask Again”

  1. HG, you have said that in your work with the doctors that you believe you experienced dissociation around 10 years of age. As you know, I am a huge proponent of establishing a secure, nurturing relationship between mother and child and that the blueprint for trust is imprinted from 0 months to 5 yrs of age.
    There is a biological need for a child to identify with a primary caregiver to establish a natural communication system with safety for the child at its core. The caregiver’s job is get in sync and in tune with the needs of their child.
    I am reading a lot at the moment on attachment research. Specifically, mothers who are passive, withdrawn to neglectful and abusing. A study by Karen Lyons-Ruth in particular, during a 20 year study, resulted in emotionally withdrawn Mothers had the most profound and long lasting impact on the children into adulthood. Maternal diengagement combined with misattunement (not honing in on non-verbal and physical cues from infancy) = one feeling disconnected and lost in the world, feeling unloved, unworthy and so forth. The child learns to cope by blocking out the mother’s hostility, but the body stays hyper vigilant. Body and mind function not being truly synched. Lack of safety and reliable attachment relationships create patterns for impaired sense of inner reality and connecting in other relationships.
    Have the doctors explored or would they like to explore getting you physically in tune with bodily sensations first that could maybe lead to positive emotions like happiness, compassion getting reintroduced to you?
    Like we know if they push you to talk about the Creature, you feel agitated for the rest of the day. How is your breathing patterns, blood pressure, any stomach discomfort on those days? Your body probably also does not enjoy those days. If your body could get reintroduced to physical touch with completely safe and trusting outcomes, maybe the brain would catch up and then a healthy balance of positive and negative emotions could start to be experienced? On days you feel the need to say, lash out at Andrea because something you heard or saw wounded you, is your body also reacting? I.e., stomach gets in knots the way it did when report cards got sent home and your mom lashed out she didn’t think you achieved high enough? So impulsively you act out to regain some kind of control as your way to self-regulate and cope?
    In addition to your experiment to go in solitary confinement (if that happens), it would also be interesting for the doctors to experiment with you from ground zero in establishing a truly trusting relationship with someone. Where they can observe or even work with you at the point when devalue could occur to head it off or buffer it from being malicious. But they could influence you and the other person on how to meet your needs. How to pick up on cues from you that you need soothing or reassurance and heed off if you’re being snappish.
    Just a thought.

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    1. Interesting observations Clarece. I have not noticed any difference in my breathing following my sessions with the good doctors when we delve into areas which I find uncomfortable. The discomfort arises during the sessions and once I am able to gain fuel shortly thereafter, I can assert control again. I would not be aware of any BP difference as I have not measured it afterwards, but I should imagine it increases during the period of discomfort. When I do lash out because I have been wounded I do not notice if my stomach is in nots but there is severe agitation, at times a roaring sensation in my ears and almost a sense of floating at times until I am able to gather the fuel and address the wound.
      It is interesting that you make mention about the reintroduction of physical touch because Dr O discussed with me the issue of holding hands with somebody and what I thought and felt about that. It was a difficult session. I will be posting what i have written about that in due course. She touched on engaging with people physically and doing so in an environment where I felt there was trust to cause my body to respond in a different way. At present, I do not trust anybody and for reasons which will become apparent and expanded on in due course, I have every reason not to trust people but furthermore I associate being touch with several traumatic events. Accordingly, getting over such an association between touch and trauma is something Dr O wishes to work on. I told her that she need not do so because I already have my way of dealing with it, but she is not be dissuaded as she explained she wants me to try a different way to that which I implement already.

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      1. Clarify for me when you say that Dr. O wishes to work with you on getting over an association between touch and trauma. In your other answer to me on “In the Middle”, you said the doctors have not brought up PTSD. This appears to be exactly what she is broaching with you. The level of healthy narcissism that everyone has, developed into being malign. Early maltreatment, beginning in infancy has enduring, negative effects on brain development. Body attunement in that a baby connecting to how its mother holds it, makes eye contact, vocal inflections, etc., begins. If that synchronicity and connection is not achieved and a baby is already dealing with a form of rejection, how can it ever learn empathy?
        I’m curious when you ran through your body parts in times of discomfort or stress. The roaring sensation in your ears leading to feeling like you’re floating – I’m guessing your mother was not one to get knee level and be eye-to-eye with you as a small child to talk, to guide, give direction, calmly correct you, etc. I think she always was above you and only got close to your face to bark in your ear at whatever she thought you were doing wrong. Your ears are harnessing that negative energy and I would guess that’s your body’s trigger to feelings of danger / high alert with anyone presenting you with an exchange that has your body prepared for what it endured in childhood.
        I’m curious also, another answer you gave to a different reader, you confirmed you are still in a relationship. Do you not hold hands with this person? If not, how do you finagle out of that one? You say you still cannot trust people. Has your ongoing therapy assisted at all in trusting this particular intimate partner more so than previous ones since you are much more aware of all of these behaviors?

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      2. I do not want the term trauma linked to me as that offends my sense of invincibility Clarece. Each time mention is made of me having suffered a trauma, it makes my skin crawl. I do not suffer trauma, I cause it. The doctors mention PTSD but I reject it. That is something which happens to other people and not I. It is clear that I have suffered terrible treatment as a child but rather than fall victim to PTSD or similar I rose above it. I identified a way of addressing the feelings of desolation and weakness, feelings which I absolutely hate and will do anything to keep at bay and this way has served me well for a considerable time. I have mastered this way,refined it,polished it and enhanced it.
        You are correct that my mother never “reduced herself to their level” (a comment she once made about my siblings and I to our father). I always had to look up to her, both literally and figuratively although that is why it pleases me now that I tower over her physically and I intend to do so figuratively also.
        I hold hands if that is the appropriate response to gain fuel or some other advantage but otherwise I avoid doing so. The rejection of hand holding is now serving its purpose.
        No, there has been no appreciable impact on trusting this individual any more than any before.

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      3. Highly sensitive material here for sure.
        I’m short on time so I’m going to break this up and respond to the easier one for me first.
        So MatriNarc didn’t want to be reduced to her children’s level? I wish I could put a Gif of Alec Baldwin impersonating Trump when he says “WRONG” and “she’s a nasty woman”.
        That is revolting and disgusting to me. Her precious babies that she carried inside her that she could view for you each to carry the best parts of her, that’s what she thinks? To be reduced to your level as if you’re not little humans but feral, dirty creatures? That remark, shows some real self-loathing internally on her part.
        It’s as if she is one of those women who had children to fulfill a perfunctory duty of marriage but not at all knowing how to relate or cherish her blessings she was given.

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      4. HG, to cause trauma you would have experienced it. But for discussion sake, I will refer to it as terrible treatment. I felt your pulsating discomfort with this abundantly so. I don’t know all the terrible treatment, only the snippets you’ve allowed here.
        All I ask is that you remember when I sent you this earlier this summer.

        The terrible treatment affected your body, mind and brain. That of little H.G., who you were so brave and protective towards and internalizing him so deeply. He wants you to feel restored so you can now feel real safety in your whole being.
        I’ll leave it at that for now.

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      5. I don’t trust anyone either. My touch problem is getting worse. I am flinching, taking a fighting stance, raising my arm in defense, etc. Becoming accident prone. My good doctor says it’s because so much talk of traumatic events as of late is triggering fight or flight and I have to reintroduce being touched in a safe environment. He gave me homework to do with my husband. I never had the problem with touch until now. I would not be bothered. I guess my trauma was buried so deep that I completely disassociated when touched. Now I’m more anxious about touch and did not see how much of a problem it was until I started talking in detail about the traumatic events. I’m doing it for the doctor but I like you feel like I was fine before, why bring in all this anxiety? He says my way of dealing is less healthy and he is going to reintroduce a healthy feeling of touch to learn not to associate certain forms of touch to the traumas. Thank you HG for writing this. It seems I am on the same path as you. I’m not the only one and neither are you.

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      6. Hi MLA,
        Very nicely put. Excellent reference as well! Her work is very much influential in those of us that believe these connections in development of BPD. I worked in a different lab briefly as part of research on maternal depression, attachment, mismatch in temperament and it’s relationship to long term development of depression. I am the product of a severely depressed mother (thus my research interest) and I know it had its influence on my personality and my ability to read minute nonverbal communication cues quickly. I had practice reading flatter affect. It also likely set me up to crave external praise for achievement and my developmwnt toward major depression disorder. Probably made me a better target too…now, weaponized. (Thank you, HG). It fascinates me that one person develops one type of coping wile another develops another and suggests a quite complex biosocial process.

        I would like to acknowledge what HG said below about being done to, a a “victim”. HG, I do not see myself as a victim either and have a strong reaction to the term. Some do not like survivor, though I personally use it as I see myself as a warrior in this lifetime. It’s my path. I know you are finding your path and I hope you find peace eventually with the past maltreatment and abuse it in a way that both empowers you and doesn’t wage war with the universe. But that’s me putting my values on you. A girl can hope.

        Experiencing mistreatment by using what ever coping necessary is survival of the fittest and strong. It’s maladaptive survival, sure, especially for those around you though I posit you have also felt the consequences of your way of coping as well.

        In the following, I’m not implying you have PTSD. These are views i hold regarding it. I view every person (military, civilians, children,etc) that shows signs of PTSD as strong as hell and not weak at all.

        it is a NORMAL response to an ABNORMAL situation.

        Some die from the mistreatments, exposures, however you wish to word it. I almost gave up. Depression almost got me. I chose to live and say f@$k you, beast (I referred to my symptoms as my beast, now it’s my teacher, my personal trainer in the boxing ring. It raises its head now and then but I’m better equipped now). It has made me strong as hell. I see you as choosing to live. Not a victim.

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  2. Well said and I agree wholeheartedly on your sentiments about having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
    I’m curious, if in your line of work if you have had exposure to EMDR therapy? It interests me in the respect that the patient can recollect buried memories and “view” them from a distance, possibly enabling a breakthrough with realizing the event is now a part of their past and not keeping their body and subconscious in a heightened state of always waiting to be ambushed again. The therapist enables this but it doesn’t have to involve a lot of “talk” therapy if the patient so chooses.

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    1. Hi MLA,
      Yes, I like those aspects too. EMDR has a lot of support in the PTSD and “trauma- informed” treatment community. The VA uses it a lot as well as certain trauma centers (like those who have been in car accidents, natural disasters, etc). I have had a former associate go through it and say it was amazing to their healing process (one was a friend who was attacked in a park).

      Have you read “The Body Keeps Score”, MLA? It is a good read on somatic based processing to help treat memories stored in the body and reflex sysemts.

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