You Fill Up My Senses – Pt 1

 

When I look at you and see the delight cross your face as you spot me across the room, I feel the flame of attention ignite inside me as the first sensation of power booms into life. I have learned that your smile, the widening of your eyes and your hurrying towards me is indicative of delight and happiness on your part. I feed from this allowing my eyes to drink in the fuel that emanates from your expressions. When I gaze at you beneath me, writhing against me, mouth open and flush of sensual desire spreading across your chest, the flames burn fiercer as I watch with such attentiveness the flaring of your orgasm. I study your reaction to our coupling, noting the detail of the way you twist your head, the slight flare of your nostrils, the flailing limbs. I watch and I absorb, committing your reaction to my memory as I avail myself of the fuel that you are providing for me. When I stand and stare at you, that baleful glare piercing you from my darkened ink-like eyes, I am savouring your trembling stance, the fear that you are trying to hide cannot be hidden as you clutch at the arm of the chair to steady yourself, your eyes welling with tears. I stand and I stare,my stare generating your fearfulness and at the same time absorbing the fuel that flows from your frightened state.

When I hear you call my name, that upwards lilt in your voice, the light inflection which denotes that you are pleased to see me, I feel the fuel embracing the fire inside me, allowing the flames to burn a little brighter and stoking the engine that provides me with my sensation of power. I do not feel delight,I do not feel joy, I will replicate the way you look in order to make you think that I feel them, but as I hear your fuel-laden words as they break upon my ears, all that I feel is power. Power than I cause you to feel so elated when you call out to me from another room or speak down the telephone to me on repeated occasions throughout the day. When I hear your shouted insults, the waves of fuel wash against my ears, emotion-laden labels which do not perturb me, unless I choose to feign that I do, in order to provoke you further. I hear the sound of birdsong, I hear the sounds of a cheering crowd and I hear the first strains of a piece of music that appeals to me, yet none of those things comes to close to making me feel the way I do when you shout, cry, laugh, scream, moan and sigh because of me. Your words of praise move me through the gracing of power far more than the strings of a famous orchestra. Your words of scorn generate a far greater reaction for me than the roar of a crowd as my team scores the winning goal.

When I taste, I taste so much more than the food in my mouth or the drink I have just taken a swig of. You bought me that drink and imbued within that mug of coffee or glass of beer I can taste your interest, your appreciation and your affection. Your empathic print is on all that you say and do, your actions and words are embodied in the cake that you baked for me. I tell you the slice you have cut for me is delicious and of course it is, you are an excellent baker, but what I really taste is the care and attention you dedicated to me as you made that cake for me. Every meal you place before me may taste of different ingredients but the one which always tastes finest to me is the emotion that you have imbued it with. Whether it is a lovingly prepared three course dinner or a slammed down plate of spaghetti bolognaise, the emotion you imbue into those meals always tastes better than the meals themselves.

When I smell that delightful fragrance I feel once more the power rising inside me as I latch on to the fuel that you provide to me. Your action in putting on that scent which I have told you is my favourite goes far beyond the pleasant smell of jasmine or sandalwood. The fragrance tells me how you want me to be please by your wearing it, how you wish to smell attractive for me and thus I am empowered by your action as my nose senses the fragrance. The smell of freshly laundered clothing or bedding, that clean scent is imbued with you caring for me, attending to my washing and the housework and once again the smell of this act of kindness, of affection and of caring provides me with the fuel that I crave. Even when I tell you that I no longer like a certain perfume you wear, in order to provoke a reaction from you, when you wear it as an act of defiance, you provide me with yet more fuel from this act which is encapsulated in the scent. When you stand fuming, cigarette in hand, the smell of the smoke contains your anger, your irritation and it smells as sweet to me as a blossoming rose might to you.

When I hold your hand and I feel you pleasure in me taking your hand in mine, the fuel flows once again. As I feel your skin beneath my fingers, I know that the emotions that erupt as I do so will fuel me further. From my lips against your lips through to moving inside of you, I feel as anyone would, but I feel so much more because I feel your emotion through my touch and your touch upon me. The emptiness that consumes me acts with the power of a huge black hole which sucks all the emotion you exude into me. When I feel your touch upon me, the fuel flows once again and you allow the simmering flames to rise higher because of the light application of your fingers on the nape of my neck. The pressure of your arms about me as you hug me tightly signifies the deep-seated love and affection which you have for me. It powers through me, invigorating and awakening, providing me with the power that I need to keep on doing that which I must do. The sting of your hand as it slaps my face, punishment for another of my transgressions as I sought out the touch of another outside our relationship, will hurt my face, I am after all human in the physical sense at least. The sting that you have left however is readily dwarfed by the surge of power I feel inside me at your emotion-filled violence towards me. Touch me, stroke me, hold me, strike me, push me and pull me, it all amounts to a connection between you and I that sends the fuel flowing from you to me. When I no longer tolerate the affectionate and intimate touches, I crave instead for the terrified grab of my arm or the defensive shove to keep me away from you. I may no longer want you to hold my hand, kiss me or place a delicate hand upon my brow, instead I will welcome the physical manifestation of your anger, your frustration and your fear.

     Everything that you say and do will be absorbed through my senses, what I see in you, what I hear you say, what I taste, what I smell and what I feel from your touch, they all provide conduits for me to gather fuel. I am a vast machine which is sucking the emotion from you through all of my five senses in order to try to fill this immense emptiness inside me. You make my senses come alive, albeit it for one purpose and this happens in a way that causes the sensations you feel from the use of your senses to pale by comparison. You truly fill up my senses.

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96 thoughts on “You Fill Up My Senses – Pt 1”

  1. Wow! Yes… I’m kinda jealous You can feel more and experience that on higher level… like a blind or deaf person… so intense… but You also know how You fill up my senses dear G…. when I hear Your voice whispering my name in the middle of night …and knowing that You notice all the tiniest changes in my voice and my body while under Your influence makes me want You even more. You make me hold my breath and You make my heart pound. You make me feel like I’m on drugs despite not taking any… You make my panties soak too! You are indeed the master of emotions dear G. Xxx

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    1. Maddie, do you not feel the emotional connection through each sense…yours should be a higher feeling than his! What he feels is he is taking from YOUR enjoyment, if you cannot feel more than him you will not be able to give him the satisfaction he so desires.

      I’m sure this will provoke a lovely response from you, considering our past posts, but if you want a higher feeling start with yourself first. Put on something sensual, Enigma usually gets me, then explore every bit of your being through YOUR imagination. Do it often…and lose those panties! Women are creatures of habit and we all require more than a man’s touch to get higher than a narcissist!

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      1. DC
        He’s obviously engaging her outside of here. Let her go. She can fill his non fillable hole, until she realizes she’s tertiary and low on the fuel chain she will continue to engage him. She’s married with kids too, so it seems like easy non commital fuel. Mutually beneficial. Stay out of it. He will drop it like it’s hot once the devaluing starts. Oh and remember, everything he says is a lie, so hating to be touched and not having to do anything physical is the perfect setup. He can phone sex, skype, email. She doesn’t know him. Let her go on. Let him go on. He needs the feeding. She needs the cheating.

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    1. There is a football club in the UK called Sheffield United. Their nickname is The Blades (Sheffield used to produce a lot of cutlery, knives and so forth). Sean Bean the actor is a big fan. They sing a song to the tune of John Denver’s song but it is called The Chip Butty Song (for our transatlantic cousins this would be called The Fries Sandwich Song). It is rather amusing when you hear 20 000 people singing it.

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      1. I have owned these blades. I recall the name. Now I use blades called CutCo. I have cut myself more with these knives than any other. Sorry off topic.

        I bet it would be amusing to hear this. The dry sense of humor of the English is interesting.

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  2. Dear G …I’m sat om my setee with my kids forced to watch Despicable me and…omg a tiny NARCISST IN THE CARTOON…yes. Gru. poor Gru just had conversation with his mum who’s always taking a mick out of him and has never been proud of him… his biggest vehicle on the street. bless him… I’m looking at this cartoon completely different way now lol

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      1. Yes true. They just need an incredible amount of love! ❤ I still believe in that! Despite the odds!

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  3. I felt everything that you just wrote it gave me goosebumps. It’s kind of creepy when you think about how much you learn from us by studying us that close. Everything we do from morning til night is viewed differently from you.
    I just thought she wanted to please me. I just thought she liked my cooking. I was just being helpful. I was just pouring her a drink. I just thought it all was normal. None of it was. 💔💔
    Beautiful writing

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    1. Me too Snow, it does feel spectacular at the time doesn’t it? Like time just stops for the two of you….enraptured in each other’s energy, intertwined souls creating one and those moments are the ones that keep our feelings so incredibly alive. This is why we hold on, this is why we fight till the end and this is why we stay…

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  4. Fascinated.

    After reading Tears, and then this post, I am seeing some similarities to my experience with those on the autism spectrum. No, I’m not saying you are on that spectrum AT ALL. You are far more aware of social nuances and perhaps to a degree that makes you superb at what you do. It just fascinates me, this overlap and wondering what this relates to from a neurodevelopmental perspective. For example, some of those on the autism spectrum that I work with will see things that most people do not see because the level of detail. Similar with flavors and smells (my grandson can tell you the difference between different vanilla flavors that I’d have no clue, and my sense of taste is pretty sensitive) Some will use visual cues to understand emotion, just as you describe.

    Just thinking out loud, needing a distraction and mental stimulation. I love how this place, your blog, delves into these things.

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  5. Hi DC, I will admit it felt great! That was a great description. I did feel sooo alive with her. And I felt completely safe and extremely comfortable in her arms and every minute I spent with her. I love the power of touch. I didn’t just want to sit next to her. I wanted to always be touching her. I could feel her pain too. I thought I could take it away.

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    1. Snow! Me too! When I am enamoured I want to touch… It doesn’t matter if it’s an arm or just to have my leg across theirs. I remember in the beginning with my exN he would tell me that he hoped I would still look at him the same way I was at that moment, or grab his arm when we were walking. Till the very end I wanted nothing less than to touch him or look at him with love… In between these times there were many that he’d try to push me away, it hurt my feelings but I kept showing my love for him regardless. I remember telling him that he was the one who stops showing affection… Where as he would say that we stop showing the affection after awhile. Assuming gets no one anywhere. 🙁
      I feel the same way you do in regards to feeling the pain and sadness… I want to heal as well and I wish I truly could.

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      1. All of that DC is eerily similar. Every word.
        I frequently was told “something has changed between us” and “have you noticed that we aren’t talking as much?” It would go on and I always told her nothing had changed and I loved her.
        It would be wonderful if we could heal them. I truly believed I was the one making a difference in her life.
        No wonder it hurts after we are without them because we can still feel how they touched all of our 5 senses too.

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      2. I just was listening to that cd in my car yesterday!!!. I like some of her lyrics. My ex did also. It’s funny to go back and listen to some of the words in songs that she would sing. They take on a whole new meaning. I bet yours had a list of them for you too.

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      3. I like some of Pinks stuff and also her back story with her husband and the fact it fueled a lot of her songs is pretty cool. My ex and I do NOT share the same taste in music. Actually there are not many men that I meet that even like the same type of music I do. I think I am just in the wrong place, lol.
        The exN had very little interest in music lists for me… until after we broke up. Then he seemed to remember everything I liked and even tried to use the songs to get me back… He had the nerve to tell me that he had no idea that I was so interested in music.
        I guess if he had listened to my excitement every time I played my playlists (which was every day), looked at my awards for the instruments I used to play… watched me dance and sing along while I cooked and cleaned… oh that’s right, he would just tell me he doesn’t want to hear my sh!t.
        Oh well, that’s why he can bite it… I am glad that I am really the only one who tied music to him… they are still my songs and I will listen to them happily without remembering how hard I tried!

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      4. OH and I have to announce…. since I have not been able to see one of my FAVORITE bands, since 2009, they are back in town and I will be attending the very intimate concert this week! WOO HOO!!
        I couldn’t imagine going with my exN before, he would gripe and complain the entire time!! Especially since he hated my music!!

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      5. Welp HG, I don’t view it as intimate. I completely understand the act. I like the act itself but I don’t care about me during it. I care about you. I care how you feel. I want you to feel good. If I get to feel good too that’s nice, but we both could use each other to have something different to work with right? I don’t feel some deep connection, I just like the act. And I’m an empath, I guess I could see an empath that way. Still wanting to get an accolade for performing to the standard. Never looked at it that way before. What do you think?

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      6. French, I can somewhat relate to what you are saying. I do not always feel a deep connection and I NEED to take care of the other person… that will make or break my reaction. I want mine but I know how to take care of me.

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      7. I also need to feel the partner being satisfied physically, but I come first. No pun entended. >

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      8. OH there has been some that did the double duty. Trust me, I do not let it slide. Oh honey it is OK, I am fine, HELL NO. The only time it is ok is if I am over it and have no desire to have a cookie. I had one guy who is a great friend for 18 years and we always play cat and mouse tell me he would be afraid of not doing it right for me. He is not kidding. I love Anthony! >

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      9. Sort of but I think they are less industrial rock… I am not sure how you’d categorize them… electronic rock… I just really find the music sensual and their on stage performance is excellent even though no crazy pyrotechnics! 😛
        I do LOVE NIN and when he goes back on tour I will be there too… I also saw the last concert before he claimed retirement from concerts! <3 I have tons of NIN friends all over the world though… I will travel for that lol.

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      10. God, I LOVE NIN!!!! I loved it when David Bowie collaborated with the lead singer as well….he did some dark stuff, loved it.

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      11. DC, I had to look that up ..Downward Spiral! Hurt was awesome. Reptile too. I love industrial along with many other genres. I think you are far more well versed in NIN than myself! 😊I loved Tren with David Bowie on his album Outside, the song Hearts Filthy Lesson…Strangers When We meet. …I became facinated by their blend.

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      12. 🙂 <3 I've loved NIN since I was in jr.high lol… Something I Can Never Have is my favorite…. While sometimes I like to refer to myself as Reptile. 😉 I think when I fall in love I'm not so reptilian though!

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      13. *dirty thought*
        Ummm. It is one place I will travel to within 6 months. I was thinking of starting in San Francisco and working my way down to Huntington Beach. Are you in that range?

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      14. Good idea FTW ****waves to HG****

        I was just out in Cali last month, though I could use a break again since my last break was hardly restful(hoover fest 2016–I need a T-shirt). I also love where to coasts meet the ocean with cliffs, rocks and trees (i.e. Humboldt/Eureka area in Cali)…

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      15. Hi FTW,
        Narcfest 2016. Hahaha…though we may look like a bunch of folks bragging about being a “narc” (a federal agent who enforces the laws regarding illicit sale or use of drugs and narcotics). We just might get killed. LOL

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      16. Oooh, I want to drive up to Big Sur! <3 I also want to visit Hearst Castle BUT I will have to schedule that in around work, my daughter and all of the other crap I do. LOL

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      17. Yeah, this would be a thing that would require some scheduling and planning for me too. East coast girl here 🙂

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      18. Hey DC, that is a great thing that the songs you enjoy are all YOURS and aren’t ties to him in any way. It sounds like there is always music on in your house. I love that!!! I love music and going to concerts. She was a blast at the bars. We enjoyed dancing and listening to music.
        Who are you going to see in concert and what instruments do you play?
        I have lots of trigger songs. I can still hear her voice. Not as strong though as it was in beginning.

        HG, were you and your siblings encouraged to play instruments?
        Do you have any good or bad memories from your mother playing music in the house?
        Music has a lot of purpose for you with your girlfriends and I know you listen to it when you write so I was just curious.

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      19. Yes we were. I can play the piano, my younger brother the trumpet and my sister the clarinet (although she is also rather good as a drummer). We were encouraged to learn music from around the age of 7 as part of it being deemed “a good thing” to do. There were many times I wanted to snap the metronome, I can tell you.
        With regard to MatriNarc she was curious in that regard. She knew about popular bands (for instance I would hear her talking about them with friends and at gatherings, but I never remember her playing any records by them) yet the only music she played was either classical or certain pieces form the 1950s. I remember that if Edith Piaf’s rendition of “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” was played (and it was often played over and over and over) we knew we must not disturb her. I always wondered what she was doing when that song started to drift through the house. I asked my father once and he just looked into the distance and said that it kept her calm. I think he was lying now when I think about it.

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      20. Huh? Was that you playing a note on the horn? Are you parping?

        Speaking of noise, just got another hang up from my favorite ex narcicist….eye roll

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      21. Explain parp please. At first I thought it was a bodily function (the unspeakable blow wind) but now…..whelp, confused…. Were you virtually shooting me, executioner style?

        ..Parp
        1. The sound theoretically made by the discharge of either a P-38 pistol or a P-08 Luger into the back of a kneeling victim’s head.

        2. The act of parping. This involves an elaborate and thoroughly unnecessary process that starts with the parper demanding in a high-pitched Prussian accent that the parpee knee…

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      22. The only song that reminds me of him, and I’ve always hated it, was Nickel Back – Rockstar.
        I haven’t played any instruments in years but I used to play the violin, viola and flute.
        I saw IAMX…last tour in America for now…since they are still lesser known here the venue was still intimate, less so than the last one I attended BUT still amazing and as always they are nothing short of spectacular! <3
        I hope you are able to get her voice out of your head…try singing at the top of your lungs to that song everytime you hear a trigger song! 🙂 Make it yours!

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  6. Beautiful writing! When you said, “I feel your emotion through my touch and your touch upon me.” Are you able to feel that or is it your perceived sensory perception of what the emotion feels like?

    Also, I remember you saying you were not a fan of intimacy during sex – is this because you can feel the other person literally?

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    1. It is the perceived sensory experience based on what has been explained to me and what I have witnessed.

      Intimacy reminds me of the absent emotions and feels like a criticism.

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      1. I am sorry you are reminded of the absence of emotions, that must be painful. When I experience intimacy, it is a feeling of being completely seen and accepted for who I am (flaws and all) and seeing the other person fully and honestly, accepting that other person fully. Truly deep communication for me.

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      2. Hi HG, I have a question about intimacy. This is another thing I thought I knew something about but now I find myself questioning more. I have read your sex book. You made me realize it was all about control and her getting fuel and feeling powerful.
        When you told Indy that it reminds you of the absent emotions, does that mean you realize that you should feel love, remorse, compassion, and the others that you don’t and that’s how you feel criticism and you have to take the control back instead of having to face that feeling? I thought I felt the most powerful love connection with her and I’m trying to figure everything out. She insisted on keeping on one article of clothing every time we had sex. This did bother me because I gave myself completely to her. Do you do this to control the situation and to not feel as vulnerable? Are you going to cover more about about intimacy in your follow up book? This is another part of the illusion that I am having a hard time accepting. Sorry if it’s too personal. You don’t have to answer and I know you won’t if you don’t want to and that’s OK.
        I never want to offend you or to cause you more pain.
        I appreciate everything you do for all of us.
        And are you aware of some victims having a hard time with intimacy after the kind of relationship we have with a narc? It’s almost like I can’t handle all the emotions that go along with it now and I don’t know what the answer is. I feel like my emotions are limited like yours after this whole experience.

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      3. Correct.
        Her keeping a piece of clothing on was to tell you that you are completely naked and exposed to me, but i am able to hide part of me from you, thus I am superior and in control Yes there will be more on the relationship between intimacy and sex in the follow-up. You are kind to express your desire not to offend but there is no need as you wish to learn and understand. It is not uncommon to feel the way you describe after an encounter with us. Think on, that is how we responded (and more) to our encounter with a narcissist when young, the difference is yours is a temporary effect, ours was not.

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  7. HG, I was with a narc who was Brazilian, quite sensitive and childlike but also arrogant and boyish. When we had sex it started off quite slow and intimate and I did feel connected because nobody was controlling or outpacing. It did seem like sharing rather than dominating and each of us seemed excited by it. At the point he was inside and supposed to go for it, I am not sure what happened but I felt that it had become incredibly intimate I didn’t feel dominated and both of us seemed to feel ‘safe’. In that moment he just went soft. He rolled over and covered his head and wouldn’t speak to me and seemed SO disappointed in himself.
    I’m not sure if he felt a loss of power or the fact our dinner conversation had involved a lot of our backgrounds with similar exes (i think his long term ex was quite similar to me).
    The next morning we tried again and an equally intimate physical conversation was happening, and he went soft again.
    I left the house and he left it a month before contacting me again after which I saw him at parties with a small and hideous female.

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    1. Hello Violet, the instance you describe may just be one of those occasions where this can apparently happen, or more likely, given what you describe, he was able to handle the intimacy to begin with as part of the seduction but then it became overwhelming so that it terrified him, leading him to lose his erection and engulfed in shame at his loss of erection, his inability to handle intimacy and the shame of not satisfying you, he felt horribly wounded and withdrew. hiding away since he could not absent himself from the bedroom.
      You evidently provided such a level of intimacy that he was unable to deal with it. He may now find, by selecting the small and hideous female that you describe, he is able to dominate here and thus issues of intimacy do not present a problem. Thanks for your post, that was an interesting experience to share.

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      1. DC, You are not a retard. I think I was replying to Ah Oh but Idk what happened. I thought she had said something about playing music and getting awards. Or maybe it was you. No matter. Just jibber jabber, must focus on HG.

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      2. DC,
        They use what you love against you. Incidentally I made a playlist last night vnv bruderschaft covenant rotersand….all goth industrial electronica. Should I call it Dragon creeper music? Oh and whole album of vnv resonance with the full orchestra. Like that best. Thanks.

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      3. I love VNV! Oh VNV and orchestra sounds amazing!!! I LOVE strings!!!
        It would be part of my collection! It would be on two different playlists though… I have play lists for many of my moods ;).

        Here is a song for you… for my lighter side but strings and a little piano! <3
        https://youtu.be/1k5lk-_lkBM

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  8. Thanks HG for the answer. I wondered if your mother viewed her children playing instruments as another way to show the world how wonderful a parent she was.
    (her facade)
    Is the piano something you enjoy now or is it something that you resent.
    It sounds like we are similar in regards to how we look back and wonder what was really going. What do you think she was doing when she listened to that piece?
    I think about our different perspectives and would love for my ex to write about hers from the beginning of the relationship and then flip the book over and there would be mine.

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    1. But of course SW, why else would she demand we practise so often?
      I hated it as a child. I don’t mind playing now, although I smashed my last piano up to infuriate MatriNarc.
      What was she thinking? She was raising two fingers to the world.

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  9. HG, the feelings you are talking about in you fill up my senses, is it reserved for the primitive source? And also is this what you are feeling during lovebombing?

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