The Power of Demise




“As long as I have a want. I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death.”

So said George Bernard Shaw. To us satisfaction is not death but we derive satisfaction from death, the death of others. I wrote about how I rarely attend funerals and explained the reasons why, but that is not to say that we will not use the instances of dying and of death to our distinct advantages. Indeed, where the spectre of death looms waiting to cut that last slender link between the person and life, with his sharpened scythe, our kind come crawling from the woodwork in order to avail ourselves of the copious fuel that is available. Should you see one of our kind re-appear after an absence, there is a reasonable chance that the sickly sweet smell of death has attracted us.

Should we learn that a family member or friend is about to shuffle off this mortal coil, then this presents a marvellous opportunity for our kind. To begin with, the façade can be maintained through demonstrating false compassion about the circumstances of the person whose demise is imminent. We know all the phrases to rollout to the procession of visitors and comforters who are drawn to the bed of the dying individual. We delight in keeping a vigil besides this person even though we may not have bothered with them in years. Should someone be as bold to question why we have appeared now of all times after remaining away, we will seize on such an unwarranted observation to castigate the questioner.

“How can you ask such a thing like that, at a time like this?”

“This isn’t about me; it is about Uncle Malcolm.” (How we say this with a straight face still surprises me.)

“You can talk, what have you done for her lately?” (Which will be asked even if we know that the questioner has been a total rock to the dying individual)

Our response will be designed to draw an emotional reaction and allow us to drink of the fuel provided.

We will provide the rudimentary appearance of caring, although it is all for show. We will of course leave the heavy lifting work to other people. We are not there to change the pus-ridden bandages or sooth the fevered brow. We will not clean up after someone soils themselves or spills food and drink down their front from shaking, tremulous hands. Not at all, but we will do what we do best and shower words of empty kindness, false compassion and fake consideration towards the ill individual. This makes us look good in the eyes of all assembled and their nods of approval and muttered thanks not only provides us with fuel but adds to the façade’s maintenance. We are a good stick for travelling all this way (we were coming anyway for another reason) and offering such eloquent words of comfort to all assembled.

Watch us as we move amidst family members, friends, colleagues and neighbours who turn up to see if they can help as we position ourselves as gatekeepers. Nobody gains admittance without seeing us first so that we may suck in the fuel that comes with such a heightened emotional situation. Tearful siblings, stern-faced uncles, bewildered cousins all ripe for us to send a pleasant and supportive comment towards, purely to receive their thanks, gratitude and approval.

We will not allow the person whose sands of time are running out to inhabit centre stage one last time as we camp on to their ground, usurping them through an exhibition of apparent concern and compassion. Watch carefully and you will see that we do not actually do anything for the dying person, that is not our role, there are minions for that and it is all beneath us. Instead, we see this as a chance to draw fuel and appear to be a supportive individual who is pulling everyone together and ensuring that the dying person’s final days are as happy and as comfortable as possible.

We have seen enough times what needs to be said in order to produce the tears, the slowly dipped head and the weak smile, the attempt to be brave despite the heavy sadness. Inside we do not feel this as we greet each person. We feel empowered at the fuel that flows. We hover by the bed, watching over the new arrival’s interaction with our charge, commenting on what we have been doing for them (in fact it will be someone else who has cared for them but we are content to take the credit) so we gain additional approval and thanks. We regard these visitors as having come really to see us, to thank us for our work, our generosity and our greatness, rather than the dying, shrivelled person in the bed nearby. Like some morbid cuckoo we appear and take over this person’s final act, claiming it for ourselves, our fuel lines snaking towards anybody and everybody who appears.

Of course there even remains the opportunity to draw fuel from the dying individual. Though they may look at us through morphine-hazed eyes and mumble medicated words which are difficult to discern, the tightness of their grip on our arm or hand tells us plenty about how they appreciate what we are doing. As their time on this world draws to a close, we still see the chance to pull some fuel from this person as we trot out the familiar platitudes at a time like this. We do not say them to convey comfort, but only to ensure that appreciation, gratitude and thanks comes our way and in turn fuels us.

As guardian and comforter-in-chief we position ourselves at the centre of everything during this period. We do little but direct others and issue our spoken commands and observations, all of which being self-serving. We will endeavour to create yet more fuel by leaning in low and listening intently as the dying person speaks, perhaps their last words as we nod and gently pat them with our hand, the chosen one for their final speech. We will take these words and use them to our advantage. Should the grieving widow, let’s call her Emily ask what her now departed husband said, we might dismiss his actual words and say,

“He said, tell Emily I am sorry for what I did.”

Her look of confusion at our false utterance will provide fuel. Alternatively, we might say,

“He said, tell Rose I love her so, so much.”

Her puzzled look as she asks “Who is Rose?” generates a further dollop of fuel.

Then again, we may pretend that some huge secret has been imparted to us and that we cannot say what it is in order to draw questioning and attention to ourselves.

Indeed, there may be instances where there is that last chance to draw some negative fuel, to make those dimmed eyes flares one last time in shock, hurt and confusion. An opportunity to lean in close and whisper a final caustic sentence, designed to consign this wretched person to spend their final moments in torment, unable to respond effectively, their grimaces and clawing indicative of the discomfort that has been caused by the parting savagery that has been gently spoken into their ear. A parting burst of negative fuel which underlines our sense of omnipotence that we can still achieve this even at a time like this. Such an act is usually saved for someone who we truly believe deserves it.

I have watched in my time a master practitioner at such behaviours. From silent child made to sit and observe, through to knowledgeable adult who can see straight through this veneer and who knows what is really being done. I have seen all these moves, actions and behaviours meted out by this supposed bastion of compassion and all the while I knew what was really going on.

I may not have copied those behaviours extensively myself – usually because time has never permitted me to spend such days providing such a vigil – but I have seen it when younger and snapshots when older, as well as recollections from others which all fits together. I know what she does. When she arrives, immaculately attired, heels clicking away on the floor as she assumes centre stage, I focus on that click click clicking and know that the death watch beetle has arrived.

I have learned and I may yet choose to apply those lessons should the need arise, but I know for sure that I will seek that last fountain of negative fuel before the death rattle. I know who I will save my choice comment for in order to achieve that satisfaction from death.

11 thoughts on “The Power of Demise

  1. J says:

    Wow! This behavior is exactly what an old friend did recently as two people she scarcely knew passed this past year. She elbowed her way into the hospice as they passed and made a fuss. She is still boasting about how she was there for them in their final moments. I could not wrap my head around it and thought it was so rude to get in the way of the loved ones like that but now it is clear that she is a narc as many other pieces fall into place once I apply the HG logic. Will be avoiding her in the future for sure.

  2. Darkness Falls Again says:

    Thank you Indy, my life has trained me to deal with extreme circumstances. My husband death was my freedom for a crime I never should have had to pay. I stood up for what I believed in, my marriage was my punishment.
    HG thou has brought clarification to those circumstances, one I will always be gratful for.

  3. Jane Hall says:

    HG – my husband HAS changed. And it has been through a dramatic experience. Spiritual. Through finding a faith – I myself have always had (and one my husband used to deride and mock) – he has become a different person. When he is angry or feeling frustrated – he now can pray and find peace. he doesn’t have to berate me anymore. He doesn’t need to find fuel from me any more….he can find peace and all the fuel he needs from the creator. Do you believe in the possibility of this? I know you once spoke that you were brought up in a religious home. I do still find it hard to trust my husband. Though I have forgiven him. Regards.

  4. Choirpoetry says:


  5. Forgotten says:

    oh dear G…. You are so dangerous …. lethal and beautifully intelligent. ..

  6. Darkness Falls Again says:

    Indy I am so sorry you had to experence that. Yes people seem to change.

    I always said death brought the worse out of people, yet from experence and reading your works HG, I see it really can be a different story to. I never really understood why some acted the way they did.
    I had been to many funerals with my husbands family. So I was prepared when my husband went to CCU, I am not even sure how they found out.
    Bottom line I didnt let his sister run the show so to say at the hospital, the stories started. When I had to take him off life support. I was then called a murderer. Nothing better then hearing the wispers of how I killed my husband. At the funeral, things got even more interesting. They had his mistress attend and of course the spotlight was on them. Lets not forget they believed they were entitled to his assests. When they found out I controled all but a small portion, yes the stories got even better. i still remember the looks people gave. I was the abusive one, I kept all the money, I kept his family from him, I was the one having an affair, etc.
    Thank you HG, this one came at the perfect time. It all makes sense now from their perspective.

    1. Indy says:

      Oh DFA, I am so sorry you had to be in such a painful position of grieving the loss of your husband, making such difficult decisions and having such wicked things said. I was fortunate, the funeral I recently experienced had the exes, though the stories cracked me up(imagine at a formal affair these beautiful women sharing stories of getting “high” with my ex, behind diners, etc. I couldn’t help but laugh.). Yeah, there were the spot light stealers and the pity party folks and the money seekers, though I was not put in such a negative light, thank goodness.

  7. Indy says:

    Thank you, Love. It was and it did. It just astonished me that some people could be so self absorbed and uncouth.

  8. Indy says:

    Yes, this is the truth. I encountered recently several who displayed this during my ex’s (not narcicist) death and funeral and shortly after. Not only was I hovered by my recent ex (narcicist), but I had some of the most distasteful encounters by people wanting to know improper things, like if I was in the will, was my son, and pity stories about themselves. Day of the funeral!!!! I actually used what I learned here, HG and shut them down calmly and firmly. My deceased ex (who was raised with money but incredibly humble and giving) told me people act weird when it came to money and these blood suckers come out. Because I was not raised with it and take pride in paying my own way, I never encountered it. Now I see, it’s true. The experience felt tinged with narcicism.

    1. Love says:

      Hi Indy, I’m sorry you had to experience such negativity at such an emotional time. I hope the ceremony was beautiful and it honored his life.

  9. Love says:

    Thank you! Here I thought all of this was normal. Lol they truly are the ambassador of the dying, doing nothing worthwhile but seeking fuel from every person around, including the clinicians. I laugh when I think they will even argue and debate with the physicians for no reason other than creating drama.
    Yes, it is a grand show… Dressed to the nines, with only the red carpet and paparazzi missing.
    My dear Mr. Tudor, I hope you never have to use those choice words. I hope your heart will finally be open and you will be free of your lifelong torment.

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