Scapegoat

 

scapegoat

 

“You don’t want to end up like him do you now?”

Years later those words still echo through my mind. They act as some cruel guardian which ensures that I will never stumble, never flounder and never fall victim to the injustices which this world has in store for me. I was shown what happens to those who are weak, those who fail to seize control and grasp the power for themselves. The consequences of failure were paraded before me on an almost daily basis to allow me to witness the full horror of what it was to be sub-standard, below par and just not good enough.

I knew that this fate must not befall me and that it became necessary for me to clamber higher than everybody else no matter what it took or what the cost was. So long as there was somebody underneath me on that ladder as I climbed, then, as they saying goes, the devil would take the hindmost.

Onwards and upwards, climbing higher and higher to escape the consequences of vulnerability, weakness and failure. I was given a swift induction into learning how to stay ahead and protect myself. There were two routes available to ensure that you stayed number one and the best. Strive to stay ahead of the opposition and by the opposition I was taught that this means everybody else and furthermore bring the opposition down so that they become subsumed into the quagmire of failure.

If your opponent is taller, chop him off at the knees. If he is better looking, fling acid in his face. If he is smarter, batter his brains out. If he is stronger, poison him into weakness. If he is wealthier, sap him of penny and cent. If he lives in a pleasant place, pollute the neighbourhood. If he has a good job, get him sacked. Figuratively speaking some of the time of course and that means to do all of those things, that it is necessary to play the scapegoat card. Become proficient at pointing the finger elsewhere, cultivate persuasiveness so that the allocation of blame falls on the shoulders of another, practise plausible deniability so the mantle of fault never rests on my head. Never be the one at fault. Ever. Those were my instructions.

The indoctrination continued. You are not to blame, you are not guilty, you are not the problem, you did not cause the problem either. Erase sorry from your vocabulary as you do not feel it, remove the idea of apologising as you have nothing to apologise for, do not express anything which might be regarded as guilt as that is an alien concept.

There is always somebody else who can be blamed. It does not take long for the repeated mantra of it never being my fault to engender that sense of impregnability and a lack of accountability. Since it is the fault of everyone else it is impeccable logic is it not that it can never be my fault? It therefore follows that if it is never my fault then such a fault-free individual is truly superior and stands above all others.

To facilitate this it therefore becomes necessary to identify a scapegoat or more accurately scapegoats. The role of scapegoat slots seamlessly into our thinking. Fault is an intangible concept but it exists. Someone is always to blame. I was taught that from the beginning. Things do not just happen, they happen for a reason and the reason that she was always crying, that he was always failing, that they were socially ostracised, that she could not pass her exam, that he never scored a goal, that they never went on holiday, that he could not hold down a job, that she was a single mother, that he had a drink problem, that she was ugly, that he lived in a poor area, that she was never invited out, that he died alone, that she was beaten, that he was arrested, that she was raped, that he was murdered was because they were scapegoats.

Make others the scapegoat and immunity from fault and blame follows and thus one can move without hindrance, barrier or boundary. Make him or her a scapegoat because if you do not get in first they will do it to you. Make sure you blame them before they can turn that accusing eye in your direction. Stay one, no ten, steps ahead. They deserve to be blamed. If they had any value they would not be stigmatised in such a fashion, it is their own fault.

I learnt that they may come with smiles but the blade of blame is held behind their back ready to strike, so plunger your dagger of fault deep into them first. Do not be taken in by the false proclamations of love and compassion, they are but veils to place across my eyes so a crown of accountability can be thrust on my head.

Soon, the lessons that I learned began to automatically teach me. Not feeling enough attention at a party? The guests are ignorant and impolite. Tell one that this is a case and see how the attention shifts. Served slowly at the bar? The bar man is incompetent and he should be reminded of this fact. See how he has responded now? Report not completed on time? Find a junior colleague and point out how he has failed to provide the necessary information. Criticised for not earning enough? Blame the bosses for running the company into the ground and failing to reward an achiever such as I. Feeling restless and unloved? Lash out at her so she seeks to make amends. Stuck in a traffic jam? Blame the department of transport for the ill-thought out road works. Struggling to sleep? Must be those damned neighbours and their late-night music, go and give them a piece of your mind and see how much better you feel when you point out they are at fault.

But what if it is not those things and it is because I am not interesting enough to talk to, or not attractive enough to catch the server’s eye, or not good enough at my job, or not hitting the targets because I cannot apply the required effort, or because I do not show her any affection any longer, or because I set off late from the house, or because I fell asleep this afternoon?

Never. That is what they want you to think. That is the control that they seek to exert over you. That is how they get inside your mind and try to make you think that you are weak, when you are not. Remember, they want you to be the scapegoat. They want you to be the failure, they want you to be the subject of their blaming, so you take the rap, take the hit and become the patsy. Yes, you are right, I remember now.

The diktat still resonates even now, reminding and emphasising. That is not your role. You are better than all of them. You will rise above them and to do that you must work hard at everything and ensure that they are the ones who are to blame, because they are. They are the ones who are trying to stop you achieving and claiming what is rightfully yours. They are the traitors, the insidious foes, the treacherous betrayers who spout sedition and practise disloyalty. Let them know who they are, scapegoat them.

Thus this carries into everything that we do. We find a scapegoat in every aspect of our lives. The put-upon sibling, the browbeaten colleague, the lambasted neighbour, the oddball in the local superstore, the subjugated underling, the butt of the social circle and most of all you, the intimate partner who becomes the ultimate scapegoat.

It is you that becomes the receptacle for our domineering, hectoring, nagging, bullying, blaming, intimidating, coercing, blaming, accusing, menacing, terrorising, bludgeoning and oppressive persecutions. You burnt dinner, you made the white shirt turn pink, you forgot to get that present that we wanted, you failed to satisfy our sexual appetite, you made us be unfaithful, you made us break that mirror, you made us slap you, you made us ill, you made our team lose, you cost us that promotion, you woke us too early, you woke us too late, you let us fall asleep, you kept us awake, you didn’t do it, you did it. Again.

This conditioning ensured that the only way to stay ahead, to win and to succeed was to find someone else to blame and that does not change because we know you are just waiting to try to blame us, well we know your game. We have you in our eyes and it is you who is to blame, not us.

The only way to prevent the hell of being a scapegoat is to make others a scapegoat instead.

And so I do as I do, I say as I say and I am what I am so that I do not end up like him, like her, like them, like you.

Can you really blame me for doing that?

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17 thoughts on “Scapegoat”

  1. You are now an adult, responsible for whether to continue this path or not. Unlike children, adults have power.

    Despite desiring such power and control, you give us so much power over you. “You made us….” An odd dichotomy.

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    1. Hi Indy, I can understand your point but I do not think narcissists are giving their power over us at all.

      People with Cluster B disorders are consciously aware of what they are doing and they feel powerful shifting their blame onto scapegoats and getting away with it. It makes them look perfect and it works. I have seen their smirk.

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      1. Hi EB,
        Great point that I somehow glazed over in my attention deficit mind. 🙂
        Indeed, this is about purposeful blame shifting and they do engage in this purposefully.

        With that said, to be the devils advocate, I think sometimes they do blame shifting so often that it becomes automatic and certain thoughts become “facts” in their minds and it becomes an unconscious mantra (“you make me”), which is, in my mind, a position that lacks not only accountability but also personal control/power. Those with cluster B tend to have emotional dysregulation due to making their emotions depend on external factors (external validation and availability of narcissistic supply/fuel). To me, that is giving up personal power.

        I, too, have seen that smirk! It used to get my goat though later in the relationship it made me laugh and I took it as a challenge. That was a mistake. Epic fights followed. LOL

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  2. But yes, “you don’t want to end up like her/him/them”. Service is too slow at the cafe? Well, the waitress must be a friggin idiot, or a lazy bitch, or both. No tip for stupid, lazy bitch. That gets the message across.

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  3. So, the Golden Child becomes an N and emulates the N parent to avoid being the Scapegoat. The role of Scapegoat goes to a sibling and the other parent. The Scapegoats win though. They don’t have to die inside to survive.

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  4. Blaming others is just avoiding the issue… it is an excuse. No one wants to hear excuses, ideally you just get it done.

    I always say, if you want something done right, do it yourself. I have no one to blame and no excuses.

    I do see many areas in my life where others like to place the blame on me for mistakes made, I will take the blame but don’t be surprised when it comes back to bite you in the @ss. 😉

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  5. Excellent article, HG. The *normals*, who are the majority and actually do not have much empathy and compassion for others, believe that “things do not just happen, they happen for a reason” (just like you have explained it in your post) and that scapegoats *must have done something wrong*.

    And what I find even worse, a group NEEDS a scapegoat to build a strong bond. I find this sickening. The *normals* are those who make scapegoating possible.

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  6. Idon’t blame You… I blame her… your matrinarc and your uncle… and other qho benefited into creation of someone they wished to be… it’s such a terrible thing to destroy child’s mind like this… 😢

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  7. It’s a terrible thing to destroy a child’s mind like this – crush their tiny spirits and turn them into people who will never feel real love or joy. I had two N parents who did this to my family. From a legacy perspective, I can see how it happened to my father. He had two N parents – His mother was badly abused by her mother and his father was a raging alcoholic. I don’t know how it happened to my mother – both of her parents were wonderful people. I often wondered who was the bigger N between my parents. My mother told us how much she hated children, toys, and girls. She said she beat us so that my father wouldn’t. She had all daughters and wanted sons. My father was a raging alcoholic who beat my mother and thought God punished him for giving him daughters. He married several times but always to beat and dominate his wives. He was a serial cheater too. My parents pitted my sisters and I against each other in everything. It was always a competition. They said they were building “thoroughbreds” with the competitions. We were useless at home and trophies in public. For some reason, I was lucky and could see what was going on in our home. I broke away. I spent years building the positive self-image that was never given to me. My sisters weren’t so lucky. They’re still tied to the N’s and they will pass the legacy down to their own children.
    The most important thing about staying with or escaping an N is the impact on the children. Is it a legacy worth passing down?

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  8. You say it distroys a childs mind, no it doesnt. It kills the childs means to empathize. HGs mind works perfectly, superior in fact, when times call for decisions that must be made, those with empathy and compassion will hesitate due to guilt. He can do it free from guilt.
    They killed his means to empathize, to be able to bond with another. That is the crime.
    To be angry at the one that brought this on, is very understable. Yet, this is a repeated cycle.

    Hate breeds hate
    Angry breeds anger
    In the end there is always a vendetta

    So the fact at being angry at the one who killed this part means you must be angry at who killed hers so forth and so forth.
    This is where HG is far superior then her, HE is bringing awarness, HE is bringing change, HE is doing what others of his kind fail. I said it once and I will say it one more time. HE is the best of the baddest, the one who understands and can present the information to enlighten all of those that will actually listen with an open mind and not just see him for what he represents and judge from that stand point. Where she is flawed, HE is superior, perfection at its finest.

    Excuse this rant, and HG if any criticism is found through out this I apologize, I tried to stick to the facts from my perspective.

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