The Post Discard Battle – Pt 1
Everything we do is regarding as a battle. It is a zero sum game. What you lose, we gain. There may appear to be a “win/win” scenario during seduction but it is not the case. Believe me, we are getting what we want, positive fuel in huge quantities and the repeated binding as we draw you closer and closer to us. You are made to feel like a queen but you will be deposed and beheaded or defenestrated in due course. You always pay for the golden period we shower you with. We draw up our battle plans when we ready ourselves to seduce you. The greater of us adopt the approach of every battle is won before it is fought. The lesser of our kind remain effective but they rely on being a blunt weapon, not possessing the intellectual finesse of us greaters. The lesser plans less and relies on the visceral (unknown) need for fuel to drive his battle strategy. His is all about reaction and immediate response, an automatic adjustment, which is invariably successful because he has been blessed with those tools, blunt as they may be.
Our engagement with you is not love. It is war. We conquer, overrun and blitzkrieg you into submission. We occupy you so that your heart and mind fall to us within moments. This army of occupation does not stop there as it raids the land it now resides in. Your resources become our resources and we ensure that our supply lines are fed from your assets. The occupation eventually takes a savage turn through devaluation as we slash and burn, looking to grind you into the dirt before leaving you a stripped, bomb-blasted shell and setting off for a new campaign against some unsuspecting target. The theme of battle and your entanglement with our kind being a battleground, is one which is repeated throughout your engagement with us.
This is especially so once the callous discard has taken place. It is then that you find yourself confronted with three battles which take place one after the other. Not only do you have us as our foe but in an especially unappealing turn of events you find that in fact you are actually fighting against yourself. The first battle following discard is the emotional one. You have been left with no explanation. If one was tendered it made no sense. You cannot reconcile where you are with what has been. The descent from gilded pillar into the dust has been swift and merciless. Every day you have run the gauntlet of scores of emotions, which has drained you, eroded you and taken a significant toll on your well-being. Your emotions are red raw, heightened and easy to trigger. Your pain is extensive, agonising and brutal and it is during this emotional battle that your ally of cool, detached thinking has not fled the battlefield, it never turned up to begin with. Your ability to assess, rationalise and consider your position with the necessary critical analysis evades you. All you are left with is a cauldron of emotion, which serves only to heighten your distress and your confusion. Nothing makes sense and you have not been left in a position to make any sense of what has happened. This is entirely deliberate. I know so many of you use the phrase “hot mess”. This is entirely apt. You are a mess. Your life is a mess. The heat comes from your raging emotions as you veer between hysteria and anger.
Of the three battles that you fight post discard, the emotional battle, the first, is the one which you invariably end up losing. This is because you are utterly ill-equipped. If you were an army your troops would be sharing guns, you would not know which way to face, your supply lines have been overstretched and in some places broken and the enemy seems to appear at will. The fog of war obscures your vision. Is that us advancing or just the silhouette of a tree? You cannot tell. Once you could, but no longer. It is a tortuous place and one which has been created through our design in order to ensure that when return (and we will) you will be in no position to resist. Weakened, governed by emotion rather than intellect you will be overrun easily. This is when the hoover operates. This battle, where all you have is emotion, means that you want the pain to stop. You want the golden period again. You give no consideration or thought to what might be the price of such desires, or whether it really is the golden period once more. You are ruled by emotion and this proves to be your downfall. We know this and this is why we ensure you are a churning, broiling scorching crucible of emotion. We create it, we want that. This is why your first attempt at no contact (without the benefit of specialist input) nearly always falls. You are not equipped to prolong it because in this emotional battle all it takes is for us to come galloping over the hill once again, offering terms of the golden period and you surrender in an instant allowing us to occupy your territory once more in the understandable but ultimately forlorn hope of a peaceful co-existence.
How do you win this emotional battle? You cannot. You are in such a position that we always win this battle. The key however is not to participate in this battle but rather avoid it altogether. If you know there is a battle you cannot win, why would you ever fight it? You would not. You would evade your foe, take steps to bolster your defences and seek to avoid this emotional battle. This is what you must do. Once you have gained awareness of the foe you are engaged with, possibly during seduction or more likely through the period of devaluation, you must then take those steps to prepare yourself. You either avoid the emotional battle altogether by escaping rather than being discarded. Alternatively, you steel yourself for the inevitable discard so that the emotional fallout is massively reduced and instead you find yourself transported to the second battle that takes places post discard which I shall expand on in a further article.
If you have been discarded, then you face the emotional battle and you will lose. You must avoid the emotional battle in its entirety or engage on terms in the second battle which follows post discard.
11 thoughts on “The Post Discard Battle – Pt 1”
I was just hoovered after 4mos NC, already had a relapse in April and am prepared this time. Do I just remain silent? And at what point will he completely leave me alone?
Maintain no contact.
He will never completely leave you alone Moonchild, you need to apply the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria to establish the risk of being hoovered so you can then manage it accordingly. If you want specifics to address your situation I can certainly assist you and therefore I would invite you to book a consultation. Please see the menu bar for more details.
Hello HG, I can’t thank you enough for this wonderful insight. You helped make perfect sense out of a senseless experience motivated by the narc’s deception. It’s true, I still crave for him. He has a way of opening my old wounds and insecurities. I had my first hoover after 7 months of no contact and silent treatment from him. I must admit I had that initial surge of thrill but after that the familiar feelings of restlessness and anxiety. It is indeed the emotional aspect that is making the recovery difficult. But I would rather admit defeat from this emotional battle rather than stooping to his level and loose my soul again. Thank you for your generous insights. Hope you can provide more helpful so I can finally recover from this addiction, especially with the hoover that I am dealing with at the moment.
You are welcome Seris and thank you for your kind comments.
The discard phase is still confusing to me. I’ve read each of your articles and the pain for the victim is explained perfectly, in a way I could never describe.
Does discarding mean when you ( the narc) leave the relationship? Physically leave I mean. Or does It refer to when “the switch” happens?
In my case, I left him. However I spent years of being ignored, verbally abused, physically abused, gas-lighted, manipulated, etc..
Thank you HG
The discard phase is understandably confusing and here is why; the reality is there is no actual discard, it is a dis-engagement. This is because we regard you as belonging to us forever. In a narcissist-primary source dynamic, we seduce you and then we devalue you (that is the “switch” you refer to, when we become unpleasant, distance etc).
The discard (I use it only because it has become a universally accepted phase of this dynamic) is when the Formal Relationship is ended by us (although we often do not tell you) and we physically are not around you at all (or less so). Later we hoover you and if this is to start the Formal Relationship again, you are sucked back in and it starts again.
Where you left him, you escaped.
I trust this makes sense to you.
Excellent advice for everyone out there.
You are the only one to explain it that accurately, how we feel in the emotional battle after the relationship is over. You experience every single emotion and it’s painful. Ending the relationship and going NC almost broke me but I’m still moving towards land with the assistance here.
This is a great Part 1.
I sure did pay the price. But she didn’t win me.
Thank you SW.
Funny…it is in these moments that I feel HG and Matrinarc bond the most…
STOP punishing us for Your Matrinarc….. You gave us weapons here in Your writing… can You win now? What if I show You, that You don’t need to win?
Reminded me of Bugs Bunny “Of course ya know, this means war”.